Does Your Marriage Need More Sexual Spontaneity?


spontaneous-sex-in-marriageJust to head off any push back I may get on this spontaneity matter, let me clarify that I don’t think spontaneous sex is inherently better than planned sex.

If you and your spouse are enjoying sexual intimacy in your marriage, that is what is important—regardless of whether it is planned, spontaneous or a combination of those two.

That being said, I do hear from people who desire more sexual spontaneity in their marriage, much to the chagrin of their spouse.

Or the spouse who desires spontaneity hasn’t expressed such desire, so there’s no way it would occur to their beloved to fulfill such desire.

Clearly communication is key. And it’s probably going to take a good mix of nonverbal and verbal communication to up the spontaneity quotient.

But before I get to the communication piece, let’s peel back the layers on why spontaneous sex often gets star status treatment.

Why is it that we easily believe spontaneous sex is… well… sexier than planned sex?

One reason is because spontaneous anything tends to be presented as a positive experience. We spontaneously decided to go on a road trip! We spontaneously went out for dinner and dancing! We spontaneously got in a water fight at the picnic!

We associate spontaneity with a flood of excitement; an exhilaration of the senses. Sure, spontaneous has a bad rap in some scenarios. But for the most part, we as a society hear “spontaneous” and we think “fun”—maybe even more fun than planned fun.

So it’s no surprise this same viewpoint befalls spontaneous sex, too. Spontaneous sex is clearly more fun than planned sex, right? Well, maybe. But maybe not.

We need look no further than all the planned fun we experience in life that is indeed incredibly fun. Weddings. Birthday parties. Vacations. Romantic evenings. Big purchases. First dates. Grand openings. Accomplished goals. The list can go on and on. There is a lot of planned fun happening in our lives that we scrumptiously adore.

So just so we’ve set the record straight. Planned sex can be just as (if not more) fun (depending on the circumstances) than spontaneous sex. Plenty of couples out there have humorous stories of spontaneous sex that didn’t exactly tip the pleasure scales.

But what can spontaneous sex offer your marriage?

Well, for one thing, if your spouse has expressed a desire for more spontaneous lovemaking, then what it offers your marriage is the opportunity to bless the person you love. How cool is that?! They hunger to be loved by you in this way. In that regard, spontaneity can be affirming and nurturing.

Spontaneous sex also can broaden the ways in which you please each other sexually. When we seize a moment without overthinking it, we give uninhibitedness a longer leash. We may try positions or locations or techniques that otherwise wouldn’t have occurred to us in a planned scenario.

And finally, spontaneous sex may help break you out of a relational rut. I’m not saying it’s a panacea for all that ails a marriage. But sometimes a little impulsive foreplay and arousal and “seeing where this leads” can reinvigorate your connection with each other—a wake-up call of sorts to evoke a deeper attraction and appreciation.

My point?

Only you know if you want a little more spontaneity in your lovemaking. Does your spouse know? If not, then talk to them about this.

And as far as non-verbals, if your spouse with their touch or body language is expressing sexual desire, don’t be so quick to brush it off. Maybe that moment is the perfect time to make love. I have often said that a lot of great sex can be had in 20 minutes.

One thing I would add, though, is there is a way to be spontaneous and still be sensitive to reservations either of you may have about spontaneity. 

While some spouses may be open to being late to a gathering because of some friskiness right as you were about to walk out the door, other spouses would find this beyond aggravating. So plan your spontaneity accordingly. Ha! Maybe get the friskiness going a little earlier. You know your spouse best.

Also, remember that spontaneous sex doesn’t always have to involve intercourse. It could be one of you performing a sexual act on the other one. Oral sex. A hand job. Or it could even be some foreplay where you get all hot and bothered… simply as a taste of what’s to come later when you have more time.

Some married couples have a good mix of spontaneous sex and planned sex. Keeping in mind 1 Corinthians 7, both a husband and a wife have the freedom within a God-honoring marriage to pursue each other sexually, and certainly spontaneous sex would fall within this parameter.

In your marriage, what do you each prefer? Spontaneous sex? Planned sex? Or a good mix of both?

Maybe this post is a perfect springboard into conversation with your spouse on this very topic. You may discover you both are open to a little more spontaneity in your intimacy!

For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.

Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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2 thoughts on “Does Your Marriage Need More Sexual Spontaneity?

  1. Kristina G says:

    Both of us love being spontaneous with sex… trouble is, I have some factors that make it harder right now. A 2.5 year old and a 1 year old, so they need to be sleeping or otherwise things are much more likely to be interrupted with little chance of resuming. I’m also pregnant and dealing with chronic illness, of which fatigue is a key symptom, so I need to budget my energy accordingly to have any oomph left at the end of the day. My husband is resistant to much planning, bit it would make things easier for me instead of mostly being asleep when he comes to bed and them he decides that sex would be a good idea…

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