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I remember a long time ago talking to a woman who mentioned that she didn’t like having sex at night before she and her husband went to sleep.
This surprised me.
I mean, I don’t know the statistics, but I imagine the majority of sex is happening at night before a couple goes to bed. I could be wrong. But I don’t think I am.
She said she didn’t enjoy sex at night because sex amped her up… it got her all excited and awake. So she wasn’t too interested in an activity like that right before turning in for the night. Sex for her was not conducive to a full night’s rest. She was more interested in having sex in the morning, but her husband was more interested in sex at night. It was a bit of a quandary for them, for sure.
Some people think morning sex is the best. As for me personally, my philosophy on morning sex has always been, “Not a big fan. But I can be convinced!” One advantage of morning sex, of course, is that a man’s body may be particularly responsive in the morning. Some husbands and wives like morning sex as a great way to start the day.
Middle-of-the-day sex is probably not happening that often, primarily because of people’s work schedules or little kids being awake and needing to be supervised. But there can be some nice perks to middle-of-the-day sex, and I have heard of some married couples that have made this standard in their Sunday afternoon routine, as in, “Time for our Sunday afternoon nap. Wink. Wink.”
Middle-of-the-night sex is likely the rarest, because it usually involves one spouse waking up the other spouse—which may be received well occasionally, but not on a regular basis. I suppose there are times when both the husband and wife wake up and mutually agree getting busy beneath the sheets is some good recreation at 2 a.m.. As for me and my husband, I think we’ve done this once in all our years of marriage.
As I mentioned at the top of the post, I do think most sex in a marriage is happening before a couple goes to sleep for the night. There are a lot of advantages to this, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a few of the difficulties some couples may encounter.
If they’ve been drinking alcohol, this can actually inhibit sexual response. Men in particular may have a hard time getting an erection, depending on their age and how much they’ve had to drink. Yes, I know that consuming alcohol can happen at any time; it just seems more common that if a couple is going to drink, it will be in the evening after the workday is done.
Evening/bedtime sex also can be a challenge if a couple is too tired after a long day. Again, I don’t think this is insurmountable, but it has to be managed. Better sex is more likely when there is a bit of energy reserve in the tank.
Ready for my highly-anticipated answer? I think the best time of day for sex is whatever works for you and your spouse.
What I don’t think is a good strategy is to think sex will “just happen” without the two you being intentional about it. The more a couple is open in discussing their sexual intimacy and in expressing sexual affection, the more likely it is they will have sex. Plain and simple. The healthiest sex in a marriage happens with some intentionality.
I also think a husband and wife need to compromise with each other. It’s not okay for one of you to call all the shots as far as when you’ll have sex. This shouldn’t be too hard of a compromise, because as I have often said, a lot of good sex can be had in 20 minutes.
So if your husband occasionally wants to have sex before you both begin your day, it’s not such a stretch to make that happen, right? Or if your wife wants to take a “nap” with you on Sunday afternoon, it’s not too hard to adjust accordingly, right? Give and take on when you have sex, and you’ll end up having sex. That’s a good thing for your marriage.
For example, if you find yourself always feeling too tired by the time you are dragging yourself into bed at 11 p.m., then you need better coordination to make it to the bedroom sooner. I don’t know what that looks like for your situation.
Maybe it means you need to work together better as a team early in the evening to tame the chaos of dinner, kids, homework, baths and so forth. Or maybe it means resisting the urge to binge watch “just one more episode” of that series on Netflix. Or maybe it means you pick up take-out for dinner so that you have more time for foreplay.
The last thing I would add about best time of day for sex is that maybe your definition of sex has been too narrow. If you are thinking intercourse is the only thing that counts as sex, have you considered adding to your sexual repertoire?
I know some wives who aren’t too enthusiastic about sex in the morning if they’ve already showered. Could sexual pleasure for your husband in that instance look like a hand job or oral sex?Or if as a husband you know there is no way you have the energy for intercourse when your wife approaches you late at night, could you stimulate her with a sex toy or with your hand?
Sure, those shouldn’t be the rule, but they are nice exceptions when the two of you don’t have the timing right as far as making love.
How would you answer that question? And how does the answer show up regularly in your sexual intimacy? If you have never talked about what you each prefer as far as timing, maybe now is an ideal time for that conversation.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.