authentic, intimacy, marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
What Was Your Biggest Misconception About Sex in Marriage?
Apr
A comment on another post spurred my thinking on this. Certainly we all come into marriage with preconceived ideas of how things are going to be. This is true in all aspects of marriage, including sex.
Sometimes, there are no so surprises, and the preconceived ideas meld nicely with reality.
You’ve maybe talked extensively about how to handle the finances or about whether you will have children or not.
Possibly you had already had lengthy discussions about each of your respective family’s holiday traditions and whether you would continue to participate in those, as well as develop a few of your own.
But what about sex?
What preconceived ideas did you have about sex in marriage?
And what turned out to be huge misconceptions when you actually were married and having sex?
I’m going to list a few misconceptions here. If you see ones that you think would be worthy to explore in conversation with your spouse, then do!
If preconceived ideas and misconceptions are wreaking havoc on your sexual intimacy, then what will it take to move the two of you out of that place of disconnect and into a place of connection?
Okay, here’s the list.
I thought sex would come naturally. I was surprised at how awkward it was for us.
I thought he would want sex all the time. When he didn’t, I thought there was something wrong with me.
I thought having an orgasm would be easy.
I thought sex would look like it does in the movies.
I thought we would be able to talk about sex.
I thought we would understand each other’s bodies better.
I thought we wouldn’t really have to talk about sex in our marriage. It would just happen.
I thought we would easily agree on how often we should have sex.
I thought we would have an easy time fitting sex into our life.
I thought sex would be great every time.
I thought we would be adventurous with our sexual intimacy, as far as positions and locations and techniques.
I thought I would have an easy time switching from resisting sex prior to marriage to embracing it after marriage.
I thought that because we had a hard time keeping our hands off each other before marriage, we would have that same level of intense desire after marriage.
I thought the things my friends had told me about sex would pan out to be true.
I thought my spouse would take the lead on sex and I would just follow that lead.
I thought once we had sex, I would stop thinking about any past sexual experiences.
I thought sex would feel more spiritual.
I thought we would be on the same page about foreplay and what we each found arousing.
As I said, this list isn’t comprehensive. I’d be curious to hear what other misconceptions you would add to the list based on your personal experience.
Most importantly, I’d be curious if you believe you and your spouse are in a place to make peace about any sexual misconceptions…to reconcile them and stop letting them hinder authentic intimacy between the two of you. Depending on where you are with intimacy in your marriage, I humbly recognize that may not be an easy task.
But my hope is you are ready to put to bed any misconceptions. Are you?
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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This is a great list that covers a lot of what goes on inside our minds.
There are three listed sentences that kind of connects many of the other sentences together, well at least in my mind. “I thought we would understand each other’s bodies better.” and “I thought sex would look like it does in the movies.”
It took awhile to get there for us to begin to understand one another’s body (and mind). For me, I first had to mentally appreciate and embrace this sentence: “I thought sex would feel more spiritual.”
In my view, once my spouse and I combined the spiritual, understanding one another’s body it seemed like it exacerbated more raw desire between the both of us. (better than the movies) We are still learning more about one another’s body, even to the this day.
I’ll admit, at first she was way more spiritual than I was when we first met and I was more physical. She is still more spiritual but every bit as physical.
Both of us turn 60 this year and I think her sweet, nice and friendly personality compliments to her spirituality as a believer, which makes her intimate passions even more thrilling to me.
I wish I hadn’t taken so long to realize that.
We are graying a little and my hair is beginning to thin, but it does feel adventurous for both us to proclaim that the intimacy with one another is way better than what is portrayed in a movie.
Sure we may not be as athletic or as agile when it comes to certain positions like we use to, but when I take the liberty of expressing to my wife that she is the real “star” inside the bedroom, it becomes an emotional rush for the both of us, even though it is a bit risque’ to make such a comparison.
I think husbands and wives need to be adventurous enough to realize that the act of making love to each other (at any age) is still very raw and very personal.
Intimacy together is real and movies are fantasy and mundane as they are acting and some of them are on drugs to numb their minds.
But then having a mirror at the head of our bed, adds some reflective visual spice that stimulates our eyes.
It seems like we are discovering ways of being creative and adventurous, but more importantly discovering a more powerful love for each other, that has nothing to do with making love.
I thought my wife would enjoy receiving as well as giving sexually. 30 painful years of evidence.
That there would ACTUALLY BE some!
Question for the “experts” out there. What do you call a marriage with NO SEX? DRUM ROLL………DATING!
Well if your marriage has been turned into dating without your consent, why aren’t you allowed to date whomever you choose? I mean if you are dating it is fully acceptable, even encouraged, to be dating as many people as possible before you make such an IMPORTANT decision, right?
If you are being FORCED INTO CELIBACY, without your “mutual consent”, for NO REASON GIVEN even when asked, for YEARS on end, you no longer HAVE a marriage. By definition.
I thought there would be more sporadic moments.
Great job Julie I really enjoy your blog.
I didn’t realize how many misconceptions I had about sex until I got married. Here’s my list.
Sex wouldn’t be painful. Sex was painful for my wife for 1.5 years.
Sex would be desired by both.
Honeymoon sex. Ya didn’t happen.
Since both of us were virgins I thought we would both be wanting to explore each other’s bodies and see how they respond.
I thought women slept in a chemise or baby doll, not an old baggy t shirt and short.
I thought women would want to look good sexually for themselves and for their husband.
I never thought that sex could be major source of conflict in a marriage. Sex is still the number one thing we argue about after 17 years of marriage.