What’s the Secret to Great Sex in Marriage?


secret-to-great-sexIt would be convenient if indeed there was a secret to great sex in marriage, right?

Secret handshake. Secret password. Secret bedroom door knock.

Once you knew all that, voila!

But alas, there is no secret. There is, though, a few strategies that boost the odds on having great sex in your marriage. And I’m not just talking about sex techniques, although… let’s be frank… you’d be wise to develop some mad skills in that regard, too.

So what’s the “secret” to great sex in marriage?

Here are 5 “secrets” worth considering:

1. Take care of your friendship already

The moment a husband and wife get laxed about their friendship is the moment life starts to chip away at their intimacy. The two are intricately related.

Take care of nurturing genuine friendship between the two of you and it will be wildly easier to enjoy getting naked with each other.

This person you married was your friend first. And at some point, the two of you decided to become husband and wife. You decided to be more than friends. But in doing so, you didn’t stop being friends, right? If anything, marriage by its very design is meant to accentuate and deepen the bonds of friendship between a man and a woman.

Mutually pour into the things that make for good friendship—being kind, helping each other out, spending time together, talking vulnerably, building trust, treating each other respectfully, having fun together, laughing, shouldering each other’s burdens, listening.

Deep abiding friendship is a “secret” to great sex in marriage.

2. Stop believing what everyone else has told you about sex

Well…stop believing what they told you if what they’ve said doesn’t jive with what God says about sex in marriage.

My observation has been that when a husband and wife have a mediocre or non-existent sexual connection, it often can be traced right back to a bunch of skewed and outright wrong stuff they were taught about sex.

And sadly, in Christian circles, it often can be traced right back to the people who should have practiced what they preached as far as digging into God’s Word. So many Christians were brought up believing sex is always a sin or it’s nothing more than a duty in marriage.

But that’s nowhere near the complete picture of what the Lord graciously lays out in His Word.

It’s no wonder that when many young Christian adults marry, they come to the union ill-equipped and ill-taught on how to embrace sex as a holy privilege. Why? Because the very people who should have equipped them and taught them about God’s gift of sex in marriage didn’t.

If that was your experience, I’m not saying becoming consumed with blaming your upbringing is the solution. And if you weren’t raised in a Christian home, but you realize you too were fed a lot of misinformation or lies about sex, there’s no reason to blame that upbringing either.

Along those same lines, there is no reason to pour frustration into the skewed information you heard long after you were raised.

What should you do instead?

Take stock of what you have accumulated over the years as far as what you’ve heard about sex, and lay it all up against God’s Word. Sift through see where you land. Grab onto God’s truth and let go of the rest.

Embracing what God has to say about sex in marriage is a “secret” to great sex in marriage.

3. Face and deal with sexual struggles

They aren’t going to magically go away on their own. They just aren’t. The two of you are going to have to talk about your sexual struggles, whatever those may be, and then do something about them.

Sexual struggles can run the gamut, from minor misunderstandings to deep lingering pain.

Maybe one or both of you experienced sexual abuse in your past and that has wreaked havoc on sex in your marriage.

Or maybe there is a struggle with experiencing orgasm, such as only one of you experiencing pleasure. This has subsequently set up a bad dynamic in your lovemaking where the one who climaxes is satisfied and the one who does not is frustrated and resentful.

Maybe your struggle is one or both of you have used sex as manipulation. Weapon sounds like a harsh word, but in some marriages sex has most definitely been used as a weapon to punish or bribe or guilt or influence a spouse.

Maybe your struggles are rooted in adultery or pornography or past promiscuity.

Or maybe your struggles are more subtle. You’ve just drifted apart from each other sexually, becoming indifferent or disinterested in sex. The struggles could even be brought about by aging or  illness or injury that make sex difficult, but sexual touch and affection still possible.

Whatever the struggles are, don’t just wait for them to go away.

Facing and dealing with sexual struggles is a “secret” to great sex in marriage.

4. Show and tell what feels good

Real sex isn’t like movie sex. Movie sex looks instantaneous and intuitive, where neither person gives any feedback, and yet the experience is nothing short of heavenly. Real sex doesn’t work that way. If you want to have real sex and have it be great, the two of need  to show and tell each other what feels good sexually.

Let go of this idea that men and women naturally know how to have great sex. Sure, you may know how to have intercourse, but intercourse in and of itself isn’t the equivalent of great sex.

There is a lot to be said for mutuality here. When it comes to sex, the best gift we can give our spouse is a humble heart and willingness to learn. Sexual intimacy in marriage should be a place of love, safety, respect, and joy.

Showing and telling each other what is arousing and pleasurable is a “secret” to great sex in marriage.

5. Enjoy giving and receiving sexual pleasure

Authentic sexual intimacy in marriage allows you to appreciate your own pleasure and your spouse’s pleasure. It’s exciting and fun to turn someone on, and that’s a sweet perk of marriage! And it’s exciting and fun to be turned on.

Foreplay, arousal, orgasm, pleasure, oneness, touch, passion—they all are there for your discovery.

Enjoying giving and receiving sexual pleasure is a “secret” to great sex in marriage.

All of the above confirm that great sex isn’t as easy as a secret handshake or password. Even so, you can still get in on great sex! Follow the above “secrets” and you are well on your way to phenomenal sexual intimacy.

For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.

And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage!  You can find out all about it at this link:  Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.

Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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3 thoughts on “What’s the Secret to Great Sex in Marriage?

  1. Bill Johnson says:

    I follow at least a dozen “sex and marriage” blogs. Most of them come from a Christian POV. Most of them you’d know. I’d say 90% of all relationship stem from less-than-enthusiastic, or non-participating wives/women. Occam’s razor would indicate that women’s attitudes toward sex is the nexus of the problem. Fix that and you fix 90% of the problems. Just sayin’…

  2. A says:

    Yes I agree!!! #1 be each other’s bests friends. If you wake each day to the same person of the opposite sex why not be best friends. Write out 5 things you would love your spouse to do that would increase friend ship without spending money. #2 what other couples do sexually is amazing. But they only have great sex following the same rule. Think about your spouses needs not your own and what works for one couple tectnque wise is impossible for an other no two are the same. That’s the way God made you accept it because it won’t change by complaining. #3 I sure there are as many problems as there are couples you just don’t know others but yes talk about and keep a heart of forgivness. #4 For us this was the most fun. There is nothing more refreshing than lights on. No shame approach. If you have trouble with this just do it anyways it will grow on you both. #5 It’s always fun and exciting to turn each other on. If you wait until you are both in the same mood don’t be surprised you won’t have much action. Obviously

  3. A says:

    We have a lot of time on our hands these days. I love know other people. Today it’s from a distance no human contact except the person you live with. Closeness with the person you are married to is extra special. Even if the kids are home. Show affection it’s healthy.

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