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If you are like a lot of married Christians, you may be stumbling over some lies about sex in marriage. Maybe the angst you’re feeling is because you need to see these lies for what they are—and then stop believing them.
Consider this your wake-up call.
Society does a number on us with this one. As we glance around, we are bombarded by messages that single people are having all the hot sex, married people are having boring sex, and married Christians are having the absolute most boring sex of all.
Whether the messages are flying in from social media, advertising, media, or entertainment, they tend to have a pretty consistent thread. Singles have hot sex. Everyone else has subpar sex.
A few ways to combat this lie. One, stop being so mesmerized by what is presented out there, nearly all of which is filtered, contrived and manufactured to boost ratings, garner likes, and sell products or a lifestyle. Boring sex in marriage can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you just keep locking your eyes on the false narrative the world is selling you.
Two, go to the source of your faith.
What do God and the Bible say about married sex? For example, immerse yourself in Song of Songs and see where you arrive. Is it a depiction of boring sex between a husband and wife? Or is it a captivating sexual storyline? If words can paint a picture, Song of Songs is a masterpiece worthy of the finest display in the finest museum. It paints quite the erotic picture—of married sex.
Married Christians who are having the hottest sex have laughed in the face of the lie that Christians have boring sex. Don’t lose sight of where you get your truth.
I think this lie finds its roots in erroneous teachings on submission, where a husband’s headship in marriage equates to his wants and needs always taking precedent.
Or maybe it finds its roots in this idea that since it is often easier for a husband to reach climax, he must need that sexual release more. I’m not sure.
At any rate, the lie exists that a husband’s sexual pleasure matters more than his wife’s. But the truth is they equally hold value. There is undeniable sexual mutuality conveyed in 1 Corinthians 7, which clearly tells us a husband and wife are not to withhold their bodies from each other.
If you are a wife reading this and you have consistently downplayed your own orgasmic pleasure, it’s high time you let go of that narrative. Your pleasure matters just as much as your husband’s.
If you are a husband reading this and you too have downplayed your wife’s orgasmic pleasure (or you have come into agreement with her narrative that it doesn’t matter), it’s high time you man up. Stop being that guy. Stop being the guy who treats his wife’s orgasm as an afterthought or a fringe benefit or a “Well, if it happens, cool. If not, so be it.”
God designed sexual pleasure for a man and for a woman. It’s a lie that a husband’s sexual pleasure matters more than his wife’s.
Speaking of orgasm, what more can we say? A lot, actually. Orgasm is unlike any other feeling, and God designed it. He is the creator of that intense sexual pleasure. And what a concoction it is, right?! Wow, God. Just wow. I have often been left speechless by an orgasm, and I can’t help but believe God delights in me experiencing that kind of intensity with my husband.
How can we possibly think intense sexual pleasure in marriage is wrong? Probably because somewhere along the way, we bought into the lie that something that intensely pleasurable is forever tied to sin. Or maybe because if we experienced intense orgasm outside marriage, then even an intense orgasm in marriage is nothing more than remnants of our past.
If you are struggling embracing intense sexual arousal and pleasure with your spouse, it could be because you have lost perspective. Context means everything. Intense sexual pleasure outside of marriage is wrong. But intense sexual pleasure in the beauty of your marriage? That’s isn’t just right. It’s holy.
In some Christian circles, modesty for women reaches almost an idolatrous level. It becomes the badge of all things Christian, and if you are not a card-carrying member, then there is great cause for concern. But is it possible we’ve taken things too far?
Now hear my heart on this. It’s not that I am not a fan of appropriate modesty. Where I become skeptical is when modesty causes tremendous inhibition for a wife sexually.
The lie perpetuated is that if a wife were to be uninhibited sexually and thoroughly enjoy making love to her husband, even being the pursuer at times, then on some level she must have a promiscuous spirit.
But in the exclusivity and covenant of the marriage bed, God gives both a husband and a wife freedom. They are free to explore touch and pleasure and to express themselves sexually within the context of love. Let’s just say there is more than one way to reach orgasm. And there are positions other than missionary to have intercourse.
There’s a lot to be said for being an uninhibited wife in bed. For a really good read that is doing wildly well, check out the post Has Modesty Killed Sex in Your Marriage?
Oh the irony. Satan and society are crafty, leading us to believe that it’s a free-for-all sexually when a person is single and that we should turn a blind eye to consequences and sin. Live it up! Sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want! No strings attached! If it feels good it must be right!
But then the tables get turned, and once you are married, Satan works like a banshee to convince you that you have messed everything up. “There’s no way God could forgive you,” the enemy whispers. And there is certainly no way you can enjoy sex now.
I have even heard from wives who believe the reason they are struggling sexually in their marriage is because they think God is punishing them for their past sexual choices. But that’s not how grace and redemption work.
If you have sexual struggles in your marriage, you need to approach them as struggles to be solved, rather than evidence of punishment. You are not being punished. If you are letting your past sexual behavior ruin sex in your marriage now, don’t you want to start walking in redemption and leave the past behind?
It’s up to you to walk in forgiveness and stop replaying the tapes of the past.
Hey, I love a romantic movie as much as the next person, but they are a lousy tutorial on how sex happens in the real world. I mean, if I had access to a lighting director, props manager, wardrobe assistant, hairdresser, make-up person and script writer every time my husband and I made love, I could create quite the perfect scene as well. It would look flawless, I tell you. And the sex would be super easy.
You get my point. Sex in the real world is messy and awkward. It takes a husband and wife practicing a lot to figure out what is going to bring them incredible oneness, passion and pleasure. It’s going to take some time.
Don’t buy into the lie that if things don’t come easy then there must not be much chemistry between the two of you.
A sister version of this lie is that if you were virgins when you married, God will reward you with amazing sex from the wedding night going forward. The two of you won’t even have to work at it. There will be no physical discomfort or emotional misunderstandings. Cherubs will adorn your room, you both will know exactly how to bring each other a wonderful orgasm, and you will drift off to sleep blissfully in each other’s arms.
Sex in the real world doesn’t work that way. Authentic sexual intimacy in marriage takes a ton of intentional effort, heart and humility. You have to be willing to build chemistry and learn each other’s bodies, as well as your own, if you want an enduring and enriching sexual connection.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.