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No one wants to feel unsure sexually in their marriage. And yet a lot of people do. They just don’t know where they stand with their spouse when it comes to sex.
For today’s post, I’m not talking about marriages that are in deep relational discord. I get that sex suffers—sometimes profoundly—when a husband and wife are not working to heal and repair their relationship. I doubt the 3 ways I’m unpacking here would work too well in those fragile situations.
They’ve drifted. One or both have downplayed the importance of sex, and such complacency has left a lot of uncertainty in its wake.
Does she even want to make love to me?
Does he even find me sexually attractive?
What will happen if I express I want to be close to her?
Why has it been so long since he touched me?
Do you see uncertainty along those lines in your marriage? Do you have insecurities and doubts about sexual intimacy with the person you love? Does your spouse have similar uncertainties? Maybe reading this post together would help to shed light, open up communication about sex and offer some reassurance.
Even if your spouse won’t read this post with you, what can you learn from the below?
I was going to simply make this point “initiate,” because I know that is a big issue in a lot of marriages. Only one person is initiating and/or neither are initiating very often. But initiating just for initiation sake is going to grow old. Your heart needs to be in it.
A common complaint I hear about faltering sexual intimacy in marriage is that one person doesn’t feel desired. “I want you to want me” is not a selfish plea; it is a core felt need that is completely reasonable and expected in a marriage.
So when you initiate sex with your spouse, truly mean it. Don’t just go through the motions.
How do you respond when your spouse initiates sex or expresses sensual affection? Do you pull away or brush them off like you don’t have time for it? Or do you stop and actually give them attention?
Obviously, as husband and wife, you have to learn the nuances of timing and sensitivity. We are often distracted people with full complicated lives, and we don’t always switch gears as quick as our spouse would like. That being said, make it a priority to continue to grow.
Don’t be so quick to downplay sexual affection. Resist the urge to always put sex off till later, especially if you know your tendency has been that later turns into rarely or never.
Ask yourself how you can respond more enthusiastically to your spouse’s expression of sexual desire.
More sexual spontaneity can be a great boost to reassuring your spouse sexually. Let’s face it. After being married awhile, it’s so easy to fall into sexual ruts. You follow the same predictable pattern for foreplay. You find yourself making love always in the same positions. Spontaneity has fallen by the wayside (if it was ever there to begin with!)
So what are you to do? Raise your awareness. Be on the look out for times, places and ways you can be more sexually spontaneous. You know your spouse best, but even so, you may have to take a few risks as you strive to become more sexually spontaneous.
For example, if you’ve never spontaneously come up behind your spouse and passionately kissed their neck, that may feel like quite the risk—but it also may be just the spark to ignite some arousal.
Sexual spontaneity does not have to always come from grand gestures. Small expressions sometimes have a more lasting effect. Gentle unexpected caresses. Public displays of affection. Romantic notes. Small surprise gifts. Drawn out foreplay. Making the most of small windows of opportunity for sex.
Just be on the lookout for times, places and ways you can be more sexually spontaneous. This can go a long way in reassuring your spouse sexually.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.