No one is born sexually confident. And even being in a healthy fulfilling marriage doesn’t automatically translate to being confident when you make love.
I know happily married people who occasionally confide in me that they aren’t overly confident or secure about fostering authentic sexual connection.
The clothes come off, the lights go down and they are unsure how to make this a genuinely passionate experience. They feel awkward, hesitant and maybe even paralyzed in what to do.
We aren’t born with sexual confidence, but the beautiful reassurance is we can build it.
And just to be clear, this isn’t merely about sexual creativity. Someone can get creative with their body and not surrender their soul to the experience.
How do we get to the point where sexual confidence is way more about building authentic and vulnerable sexual connection than it is about only building a repertoire of sexual techniques?
Here are three ideas:
1. Invest emotionally.
Nearly every night after our younger son has gone to bed, my husband and I sit and talk and laugh and reflect about the day. Sometimes we’ll discuss an issue going on in the news; sometimes we joke around about something that is meant to be serious but we find comical; and sometimes we’ll talk about our own relationship or our kids or something else in our life.
And at this time of year, we also watch and talk about baseball. We love baseball.
Usually this nightly soiree in our living room is a combination of all of that. The point is we do better sexually the more we invest emotionally by actually talking and spending time together, even casually in our sweats in the living room after our kid is in bed. We both feel more confident and connected sexually if we have built good rapport in those hours before we make our way to the bedroom.
Regularly-nurtured friendship can help you feel more sexually confident.
2. Make mutual feedback the rule, not the exception.
Sexual confidence is a natural outcome of healthy mutual feedback. When you help each other understand what feels good sexually, you each build a mental log of what works sexually. I feel confident in the specific ways I arouse my husband because he has made it clear he finds those specific things arousing. I know what turns him on and it is a huge turn on for me to do those things to him.
Make mutual feedback a standard when you’re naked. Welcome each other’s input. Ask for it. Do you like it when I do this? And if he says, “I would like it even better if you did it this way” and then proceeds to coach you, don’t take offense to his feedback.
If you are a husband reading this, don’t assume you know what will arouse your wife. Yes, you can certainly try different touches (I encourage you to do so!), but also emphasize to her that her pleasure is important to you. Ask her to tell you what feels good. Invite her to show you.
And I hope it goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway), don’t hold back in expressing you are pleased. Both of you have the freedom to use sounds and words and movements and facial expressions to show the intensity of what you are feeling.
Within this safe and exclusive sexual playground of your marriage, it’s easier to build sexual confidence when your spouse affirms that what you do sexually is amazing.
3. Deal with your body image struggles.
If you struggle with body image, I’m not going to downplay the reasons behind that (for most people, it’s a variety of reasons; some self-imposed and others caused by things people have said or done).
What I will say is that why you feel self conscious about your body is not nearly as crucial as what you are going to do about those feelings. So what are you going to do? It’s up to you to change your thought pattern about how you view yourself. If you have deep-seeded unresolved pain that is the root of your body image struggles, it’s up to you to courageously get help in unraveling that and healing.
Do some people need to exercise more or eat better or wear clothes that best fit their body type or pay closer attention to personal grooming habits? Well sure. Are there some people who don’t need to do any of that and still feel crappy about their body? Well sure.
The point is that the first and best decision you can make about improving how you see your body starts within your mind and heart.
Sexual confidence is more likely when we begin seeing ourselves in a more positive light. God thinks you are gorgeous inside and out. It will do you and your marriage a world of good to agree with Him.
Sexual confidence is not a one-and-done decision, but rather a progression in the right direction.
I am way more sexually confident now than I was when my husband and I married years ago, and it’s because of intentional choices I have made in that direction. For more reading on body image, I have a whole page of posts you can find at this link.
So what are you going to do to become more confident sexually? You build sexual confidence. You aren’t born with it.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.