Each time my husband and I go to a wedding, I want to pull the couple aside during the reception and give them at least a few helpful tips on what it takes to have great sex in marriage.
This seems wildly inappropriate. I know. Even for someone like me who is a poster child for talking about healthy sexual intimacy.
But why does it seem inappropriate? Isn’t that part of the problem — that we collectively as the body of believers haven’t done a stellar job generating authentic dialogue about sex, which is such a vital part of marriage?
Shouldn’t we be as comfortable encouraging a newly married couple in their sexual intimacy as we are in the way we encourage them about their financial management or their time management or their prayer life or their ability to prioritize date night?
Did anyone tell you early in your marriage what it takes to have great sex?
If I randomly asked 100 Christian married couples, “What kind of helpful advice did you get about sex when you were newly married?”, I think the silence would hang heavy in the room. (Although that gives me an idea for a blog post or book. I should start randomly asking this question.)
Fortunately, sex has become less of a taboo topic in Christian circles, thanks to the efforts of bloggers, authors and speakers who continue to champion the case for healthy sexual intimacy.
My fellow sex champions and I definitely recognize that as far as authentic dialogue and genuine willingness to address sexual struggles go, things are moving in the right direction among Christians (even if we humbly recognize at the same time that there is still a long way to go).
How can we all become better about talking about sex? Maybe a great place for you to start is within your circle of influence.
If you are a wife reading this post, could you go through a book with a group of other wives? Below are a few I would recommend:
Hot, Holy and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design by J. Parker
Awaken Love: The Truth about Sex that Will Transform Your Marriage by Ruth Buezis
The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Ethridge
Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love are You Making? by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire
As husbands, could you gather other husbands and go through one of the below books?
The Married Guy’s Guide to Great Sex by Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner
Crazy Good Sex by Dr. Les Parrott
And of course there are books you as a husband and wife could go through:
Pursuit of Passion by me and Jeff Murphy
Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman
Pillow Talk by J. Parker
Lovemaking by Dr. Dan and Linda Wilson
Turn Up the Heat by Dr. Kevin Leman
When Two Become One by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey
If no one told you what it takes to make sex great, you’re not alone. The good news is that there’s no better time than now to start learning.
We can’t change the past, but we can grow going forward. And we can be positive voices for sexual intimacy to newly-married couples. Maybe you’ll be the one to tell a young couple what it takes to have great sex in marriage.
For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts. as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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4 thoughts on “Did Anyone Tell You What It Takes to Have Great Sex in Marriage?”
You are right Julie…many of us Christians were not told how to have great sex. For us (4 decades ago), we were told NOTHING about sex in our pre-marital counseling sessions. Our parents and church told us no sex before marriage but NOTHING about sex in marriage. Needless to say, our sex life has been less than stellar. I pray the next generation of Christian men and women will do better then our generation…
How much information did we get – very very little! And yes it has cost us dearly.
And now, I want to invite you to my son’s wedding, just so you can pull each of them aside at the reception. Lol. Thankfully, my son and future daughter-in-law have had many people encouraging them on this issue, and I agree it makes such a difference. With all the resources now available, we have no excuse not to at least try to speak truth into our own lives and theirs. What a difference that would make to so many marriages!
And thank you for the mentions.
I am so, so thankful to have had a beautiful couple mentor myself and my husband before and after our wedding, both one on one and together. Their perspective on sex was so godly, helpful and fun, and I feel like our honeymoon and early marriage (we’ve been married 2 years now) have been so blessed for their wisdom and input. The wife spoke to me about sex in a respectful way that made sex seem exciting and fun at the same time as a beautiful, profound way to grow in intimacy and to practise selflessness.
In contrast with that, leading up to our wedding a family friend took it upon herself to share countless tips with my younger, unmarried sister, for her to pass on to me. These ‘tips’, graphic suggestions of ways to spice things up, were unsolicited by me, really not necessary for us going into marriage both being virgins, and wildly inappropriate for my sister to be hearing. So not helpful!
The only book I read on sex that I liked was Sheet Music. The others I read made sex seem so clinical and dutiful.
I hope and pray that we can be a blessing to other couples one day, like that couple was for us.