If that headline stopped you in your tracks because you can relate, you are not alone.
I hear from people who say how much they love their spouse but hate sex. And they aren’t particularly thrilled about this dichotomy in their marriage.
I don’t know your story. But I know my heart. And my heart seems to be hard wired to speak hope into lonely, frustrating, bewildering sexual struggles in Christian marriages.
So what’s a person to do if they love their spouse but hate sex?
First of all, just so we are clear, this post is not for people in abusive situations. I know that many people in an abusive situation may not only hate sex, but likely their spouse too. But some other people in abusive situations would say they do love their spouse, regardless of the abuse.
If you are in an abusive situation, please for your own emotional and physical wellbeing, at the very minimum find a safe mature godly Christian confidante. You need someone who can help you navigate next steps to protect yourself from abuse.
I’m guessing most of you reading this are not in abusive situations. You know things are off kilter in your sexual intimacy, and you want some tips on righting the sexual ship, so to speak. You want better sex in your marriage. Read on warrior, because I think these 3 tips may strike a chord.
Before you toss any one idea aside, I encourage you to read the whole post. You may be surprised at how something resonates — something that you can grab onto and use to baby step your way toward healthier intimacy with the person you love.
3 tips if you love your spouse but hate sex…
1. Figure out why you hate it.
If you already know exactly why you hate sex, then this is a bit of first victory in the battle for healthier intimacy. If, on the other hand, you aren’t sure why you hate it, give yourself some grace. Embrace that you just haven’t figured it out yet. But you will!
Many people are so entrenched in flawed sexual perspectives, painful past experiences or unhealthy sexual dynamics in their relationship that it’s really hard to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
But like I said, you just haven’t figured it out yet. But here were are, by the power of technology and a smattering of other nudges via God — and you are reading this blog post.
It’s like I’m someone you had a chance encounter with and we sat down for coffee or craft beer (figuratively speaking) and I’m asking you specifically why you hate sex. (No shocker here, but I’m totally the type of person who literally would ask you this question, even if we had just met and the topic of sex came up. Which it would.)
Why do you hate sex? You are worth figuring this out!
Is it because of past sexual abuse? Or skewed messages about sex you heard growing up? What about any sexual experiences back in the day when you were single? Or maybe it’s your spouse’s insensitively to you (sexual and/or otherwise). Are you experiencing physical pain when you have sex? Or emotional pain? Are you paralyzed by poor body image?
What. Is. It?
Because when you figure out why you hate sex, you are in a much better position to tackle the problem directly — to find resources and healing and hope and actual actions you can take. It’s all about inching our way toward seeing sex as a good thing to savor and pursue, rather than a bad thing to loathe and avoid.
2. Enlist your spouse’s help.
You love this person. That we already know. And this is huge, because if you love your spouse, I’m going to bet you view your marriage as something worth investing in.
Sex is part of marriage, and God’s vision for us as married folk is that most of our sexual encounters aren’t about procreation. They’re about experiencing a powerful and pleasurable oneness with the person we love. Sex for the fun of it. Sex for the pure joy. Sex for the deep soul connection.
Your spouse obviously has vested interest in you loving sex rather than hating it. If you both are loving it, then the benefits are like confetti and sprinkles and fireworks all around. You benefit. Your spouse benefits. Your marriage benefits. You’re happier, so everyone around you benefits. You get the point.
Have you talked to your spouse about your struggles with sex? If something they do or don’t do is part of the problem, have you maturely addressed this?
This is no time to rely on assumption and mind reading. Don’t assume they know the root of your struggles and discouragement about sex. If they love you, they are more than likely going to want to help you face those struggles and overcome them. Their support could be just what you need to stop hating sex and start loving it.
3. Find great Christian resources on sex.
This is going to sound super odd, but there is no better time than now to be a Christian struggling with sex. I say that because there are so many more resources now than there were even 5-10 years ago.
If you love your spouse but hate sex, I know there are Christian resources that can help you build better sex in your marriage. There are websites, books, counselors, seminars, podcasts, DVDs and more.
All of my fellow Christian intimacy bloggers have sites full blog posts and insights — free information with specific ideas, if you are willing to put the effort and time in. On my site, for example, I have a page with all my past posts at this link. a page with posts on body image struggles at this link, and a page all about orgasm at this link.
There are countless Christian resources too on specific topics like healing from infidelity, overcoming addiction to porn, healing from past abuse and so on. If you want hope and healing, you can find it from trustworthy Christian resources.
And even the resources that require investment are worth it. Think of all the other things we spend money on. Your marriage is worth investment as well, whether it be buying a book or an online course or professional counseling. If you can’t afford counseling, consider the ideas at my post 3 Ideas if You Can’t Afford Professional Marriage Counseling.
If you love your spouse, but hate sex, are you willing to do something to build better intimacy in your marriage? There are all kinds of ways to do that, and my heartfelt encouragement is that you cling to hope, you trust in God’s provision and you extend yourself lots of patience and grace in the journey. You can do this.
I’m in your corner. I hope you’re in your corner too, because you’re worth it.
For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.