Intimacy in Marriage

BETTER Sex in Your Christian Marriage

Sexual Freedom In Marriage: Are You Enjoying Sex to the Fullest?

How much sexual freedom do you think a Christian husband and wife have? I strongly believe it is way more freedom than many married couples are experiencing.

Are you and your spouse missing out on sexual freedom that could be yours — all within the exclusivity of your relationship? What do you most want sexually?

When I speak to groups, a common question that comes in during the anonymous question time is, “What is permissible sexually?”  Many Christians want to know what is “okay” biblically for a husband and a wife to do sexually.

This may surprise you, but this is an incredibly easy question for me to answer. Below are the three guidelines I offer up right off the bat:

1. Are you maintaining exclusivity?

Sex in marriage is meant for only the husband and wife. There can be no third parties involved, meaning no one else is participating in your intimacy, no pornography is involved, no one is watching you have sex, and you’re not fantasizing about someone other than your spouse.

2. Does anything in the Bible say it’s clearly off limits?

Interestingly, God spends a lot of time talking about sexual no-nos outside of a marriage covenant, but He devotes virtually no time addressing what is prohibited sexually FOR a husband and wife within their covenant.  Study God’s Word closely if you are wondering if something is wrong sexually for a husband and wife.

3. Is either spouse getting hurt?

The foundation of marriage is love, so it would not be loving to force your spouse to do something sexually or to harm your spouse physically, emotionally or spiritually, for your sexual benefit.

Now if I could wrap up the Q&A right there, I know it would still leave a lot of people perplexed. Most people want me to unpack it further, which I’m always happy to do —mostly because of a point I made above in #2. God simply does not have a long list of things a married couple can’t do sexually to please each other.

In my study of God’s Word, I find a God who is a big fan of sexual pleasure and oneness and frequency in marriage. Let’s not forget that He designed arousal and orgasm. There are countless sexual touches and techniques within marriage that glorify the Lord rather than dishonor Him.

With the three guidelines I mentioned above in mind, I think it becomes much easier to talk about the sexual freedom a married couple has, rather than what they can’t do.

What do you most want sexually in your marriage?

Want to have sex in a position other than missionary position?

Want to enjoy receiving and giving oral sex?

Want to role play?

Want to use your hands, mouth and every part of your body to arouse your spouse? Want your souse to use their hands, mouth and every part of their body to arouse you?

Want to have sex someplace other than your bed?

Want to talk erotically to each other during sex?

Want to masturbate during sex? Want to watch your spouse masturbate?

Want to use sex toys, lubricants and lingerie during your lovemaking?

Want to undress your spouse or have them undress you?

Want to have sex with the lights on (or at least some light coming into the room)?

Those are just a few ideas that I believe fall within the freedom a married couple has. Sure, the list isn’t comprehensive (and yes, I do know that not everyone would share my viewpoint that the above are all permissible).

Regardless of what you think of the above list, I think it’s not a stretch to say that we certainly have more freedom than missionary position.

I can already hear the pushback some of you would give me. Coming up with ideas isn’t the problem, but rather you and your spouse can’t agree on what is okay sexually. Or you can agree something is permissible, but that doesn’t necessary translate into it being something your spouse wants to include in sex.

What is a couple to do? I think this is where a husband and wife have to decide how sexually mature they are going to be.

Whether you are the spouse requesting something or you are the spouse refusing something, have you prayed about it, held it up to the three guidelines, and determined if your stand is reasonable?

Sometimes the impasse can be solved by reaching a compromise.  For example, if your spouse is requesting something sexually that meets the three guidelines, yet you aren’t quite sure how you would feel doing it — could you try it once to see how things go rather than completely take it off the table?

Also, if one of you wants more sexual adventure and one is holding fast to tight boundaries, can you meet somewhere in the middle?  Can the more inhibited spouse loosen up a bit and the more adventurous spouse rein in their expectations a little?

Ultimately, sex should be a good mix of fun, passion, comfort and reassurance, all drenched in love, commitment and oneness. Sexual intimacy should be a foundational part of your marriage in such a way that not only do you intentionally desire your spouse sexually, but you also seek to understand what turns them on.

There is no cookie cutter approach to sexual freedom that will work for every married couple. BUT I do think God gives a married couple more sexual freedom than they may realize. And He is faithful in equipping a couple to determine what lines are right for their relationship.

Could you and your spouse read this post together and have a conversation about how you can better honor sexual freedom in your marriage?

For more reading, cruise through my list of past posts. as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.

Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.

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January 5th, 2019 by