Most of us want to be sexually mature, right?
You want a vibrant and healthy sexual connection with your spouse that you both mutually savor and enjoy. You wouldn’t be on this site if you didn’t.
I’ve long said that if there is nothing preventing a husband and wife from experiencing sexual intimacy regularly, then they should be!
Yes, I understand that some couples are in the throes of chronic illnesses, injuries or separation due to military deployment, but for the vast majority of couples, that’s not the case. Most of us married folk could be nurturing our sexual intimacy often.
Take a look at the below and see if you have room for growth. This post may even prompt good dialogue with your spouse.
5 Signs You’re Sexually Mature in Your Marriage
1. You see sex as vital to the relationship, rather than as an extra.
If I had a dollar for every time I have heard about someone withholding sex in their marriage, I would be wealthy. People know before they marry that sex is part of the package, and yet after the vows, some people treat it like a fringe benefit that is negotiable. And by negotiable, sadly sometimes this means “taken off the table completely.”
Sure, I hear more often from husbands who are frustrated by their wives who are not sexually interested, but I do hear from quite a few women as well who are sexually lonely in their marriage.
If you regularly withhold sex, don’t initiate, or view sex as an extra that you’ll eventually get around to when you have time, what baby steps can you take now to mature in this area? Sexual intimacy and sexual contact is vital to a marriage. It shouldn’t be treated as an extra.
2. You don’t use sex as a punishment or reward.
There are probably hundreds of different ways to say this, but essentially sex should not be a commodity in your relationship. If you find yourself withholding it out of spite or doling it out as “payment” for something like cleaning the kitchen, then eventually that system is going to leave you relationally (and sexually) bankrupt.
Mature lovers address their relationship struggles. And they don’t barter for sex.
Far be it from me to sugar coat how difficult it can be to keep this tendency in check, especially when you are in the thick of relational discourse. BUT if you want to be mature about sex in your marriage, you will resist using it as a punishment or reward.
3. You care as much about your spouse’s sexual pleasure as you do your own.
I personally find it a HUGE turn-on to arouse my husband. His pleasure is as important as my own (and I care a lot about my pleasure, so this is saying a lot). There is a mutuality in wanting to help each other climax, and that kind of wanting compels us to keep learning about each other sexually.
Does your spouse’s orgasm mean as much to you as your own? Do you intentionally take the time to understand their sexual arousal and desires?
What about if your spouse is being attentive to your arousal — do you embrace this or try to downplay it? If your spouse genuinely wants to help you climax, you are robbing them AND yourself if you minimize this generosity.
When it comes to sex, a mature husband and wife care deeply about each other’s pleasure.
4. You communicate well about sex.
Few among of us come into marriage equipped to have honest, specific and healthy dialogue about sex. So I get that this is not as natural as I probably make it sound.
But mature lovers in a marriage are able to say what they like and don’t like sexually. They are able to bring up concerns without fear of being judged. And they are able to be sexually vulnerable within the exclusivity, trust and safety that are cornerstones to healthy marriage.
If you and your spouse struggle talking about sex, the good news is this can be learned. The more you talk about it, the more comfortable you become. If you feel particularly embarrassed, a good technique is to shine light on the awkwardness. Simply start with a disclaimer such as, “This is hard for me to talk about” or “I don’t really know where to start, but I really want us to be able to talk about this.”
Talking about sex, whether it be struggles you are trying to overcome or passion you are trying to fuel, requires maturity, and the payoff is profound.
5. You own what you can improve.
In my years writing and speaking about sex in marriage, I’ve noticed that many struggles are exacerbated by one person refusing to do what they could do individually.
For example, if you know you could improve your physical health and that this would subsequently improve your intimacy, then that’s on you to own that — to try to do what is within your power to be healthier.
Another example would be pornography use. If you continue to use pornography because you haven’t been caught yet or because you feel like you “deserve” it, then that betrayal is on you to own. It’s within your power to not use it and/or to get help in freeing yourself from pornography use.
Another example would be if you have yet to face and find healing and help for any number of difficult things in your life (past abuse, addictions, anger issues, body image struggles, depression and stress, just to name a few). It can be monumentally hard to address these, but no one can do it for you. If you want to have a healthier outlook on life and marriage and sex (and everything, really), you have to do what is within your control.
I am not trying to sound harsh, but rather I’m trying to be a reality check. Take a good look at areas of your marriage or of your own personal life as an individual, and ask yourself where you can get healthier — not simply as a response to something your spouse does or doesn’t do, but rather as an individual choice.
Considering the above 5 signs of sexual maturity, where do you want to grow the most? There’s no better time than NOW to start growing.
Copyright 2019, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.