I heard recently from a husband who is tired of begging for sex.
It made me wonder how many husbands are tired of begging for sex.
(Yes, I know there are wives tired of begging for sex too, which is why I have several posts on an entire page titled Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren’t Getting It.)
Today, though, I want to talk about what to consider if your husband has been begging for sex — maybe even to the point that he is tired of begging.
My goal always is to encourage and to help married couples nurture authentic sexual intimacy. I humbly ask that you read with your defenses down and your hearts open as to what could be going on in your marriage.
Not to bore you with disclaimers, but for purposes of this post, I am not talking about marriages where illness or injury or other extenuating circumstances are hindering sexual intimacy.
This post is geared toward anyone in a marriage where sex really could be happening; it just isn’t because of indifference or lack of attention or other common everyday stumbling blocks.
If your husband has been begging for sex, have you…
1. Been honest about why you are struggling with sexual intimacy?
I get that you may not be withholding sex as a way to intentionally hurt your husband. I get it. I really do.
As a woman, I know there may be a number of reasons why sex is a struggle for you, whether it be pain from your past, tiredness, low sex drive, other physical reasons, body image struggles, relational struggles, misconceptions about sex, little or no physical pleasure, miscommunication and so on.
BUT if you have not had a heart-to-heart with your husband about what is going on AND also been intentional about addressing the sexual struggles, then can you see why he may be sexually frustrated?
His sexual frustration is a normal reaction in a situation like this. He wants sex. He wants it with the woman he loves and to whom he pledged his life. And he knows he can’t ethically go fulfill that desire someplace else. I just encourage you to see things through his eyes.
Talk with him about why you struggle and then take steps toward resolving those struggles.
2. Really studied God’s Word about sex?
I know. I. Know. It looks like I’m just playing the Bible card here. But believe me when I say I’m not trying to sprinkle spiritual fairy dust over what I imagine is a complex and cumbersome issue in your marriage.
I’m trying to shed light and spread hope and speak truth.
As Christians, we can be very selective about which parts of the Bible we take to heart regarding our marriage.
We are giddy teenagers over the parts that look like the backdrop to every wedding we’ve ever attended — covenant, sacred, one heart pledged to another, “a man shall leave his parents and be united to his wife,” and “husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church.”
Falling in love and deciding to say yes to that guy down on his knee is mesmerizing and can cloud our vision a little on all that marriage entails.
BUT God’s heart and Word spell out this mystery of marriage not only from a chivalrous standpoint, but also from a sexual standpoint. And suffice to say, when we dig into God’s Word, we discover He is a zealous and passionate fan of sex in marriage!
His bumper sticker would say “Got Hot Sex in Your Marriage?”
His Super Bowl ad would include a smiling married couple headed to their bedroom at halftime. Emblazoned across the screen would be #GreatSexInMarriage.
His leaflets dropped from a plane would proclaim, “Protect Your Marriage NOW! Live Song of Songs!”
His go-to wedding gift would be matching his and her t-shirts bedazzled with, “Of course I Enjoy Amazing SEX! I Am Married!”
I offer the above with a bit of jest, but I think you follow what I’m suggesting.
God has always declared that the potential for the most passionate, fun and captivating sex is in marriage. Sadly, it is often married folk who miss this point the most. Sexual oneness, foreplay, arousal, orgasm — God designed them all, and married people should be the strongest advocates of such.
Sex is intricately woven into marriage; it is a primary way God actually defines marriage. Too often, though, one spouse will view it as optional, to the detriment of not only the denied spouse, but the denying spouse too! And, of course, to the detriment of the marriage as a whole.
If your husband is begging for sex, is it because you’ve never embraced or have lost sight of what God says about sex?
3. And lastly, if your husband is begging for sex, have you considered the two of you might actually get along better with more sex?
I like my husband better after we make love. I just do. There is something about sex that sets the whole tone in our marriage and home. When we mutually enjoy and pursue sexual intimacy and make love often, we are a calmer and happier couple.
And to build on point 2 above, I think God designed it this way. I think He knew that if we pay attention to what happens when our clothes come off, we would be better equipped to function when our clothes are on.
More harmony. More grace. Less stress.
Much of the division in other areas of your marriage possibly could be lessened or eliminated all together if you get on top of the sexual disconnect between you and your husband.
And when you and your husband nurture all forms of intimacy, including sexual intimacy, you are setting a good example for your kids. A hugely popular post on my site is Your Teens Can Hear You Having Sex? Why THAT May Be Totally Fine.
So, if your husband is tired of begging for sex, what could the two of you do to turn that dynamic around? What will it take to offer up even baby steps toward authentic sexual intimacy?
For more reading, check out these fabulous posts:
A Body That Never Quits (MUST-READ post about body image!)
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.