marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Is Your Husband Tired of Begging for Sex?
Jan
I heard recently from a husband who is tired of begging for sex.
It made me wonder how many husbands are tired of begging for sex.
(Yes, I know there are wives tired of begging for sex too, which is why I have several posts on an entire page titled Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren’t Getting It.)
Today, though, I want to talk about what to consider if your husband has been begging for sex — maybe even to the point that he is tired of begging.
My goal always is to encourage and to help married couples nurture authentic sexual intimacy. I humbly ask that you read with your defenses down and your hearts open as to what could be going on in your marriage.
Not to bore you with disclaimers, but for purposes of this post, I am not talking about marriages where illness or injury or other extenuating circumstances are hindering sexual intimacy.
This post is geared toward anyone in a marriage where sex really could be happening; it just isn’t because of indifference or lack of attention or other common everyday stumbling blocks.
If your husband has been begging for sex, have you…
1. Been honest about why you are struggling with sexual intimacy?
I get that you may not be withholding sex as a way to intentionally hurt your husband. I get it. I really do.
As a woman, I know there may be a number of reasons why sex is a struggle for you, whether it be pain from your past, tiredness, low sex drive, other physical reasons, body image struggles, relational struggles, misconceptions about sex, little or no physical pleasure, miscommunication and so on.
BUT if you have not had a heart-to-heart with your husband about what is going on AND also been intentional about addressing the sexual struggles, then can you see why he may be sexually frustrated?
His sexual frustration is a normal reaction in a situation like this. He wants sex. He wants it with the woman he loves and to whom he pledged his life. And he knows he can’t ethically go fulfill that desire someplace else. I just encourage you to see things through his eyes.
Talk with him about why you struggle and then take steps toward resolving those struggles.
2. Really studied God’s Word about sex?
I know. I. Know. It looks like I’m just playing the Bible card here. But believe me when I say I’m not trying to sprinkle spiritual fairy dust over what I imagine is a complex and cumbersome issue in your marriage.
I’m trying to shed light and spread hope and speak truth.
As Christians, we can be very selective about which parts of the Bible we take to heart regarding our marriage.
We are giddy teenagers over the parts that look like the backdrop to every wedding we’ve ever attended — covenant, sacred, one heart pledged to another, “a man shall leave his parents and be united to his wife,” and “husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church.”
Falling in love and deciding to say yes to that guy down on his knee is mesmerizing and can cloud our vision a little on all that marriage entails.
BUT God’s heart and Word spell out this mystery of marriage not only from a chivalrous standpoint, but also from a sexual standpoint. And suffice to say, when we dig into God’s Word, we discover He is a zealous and passionate fan of sex in marriage!
His bumper sticker would say “Got Hot Sex in Your Marriage?”
His Super Bowl ad would include a smiling married couple headed to their bedroom at halftime. Emblazoned across the screen would be #GreatSexInMarriage.
His leaflets dropped from a plane would proclaim, “Protect Your Marriage NOW! Live Song of Songs!”
His go-to wedding gift would be matching his and her t-shirts bedazzled with, “Of course I Enjoy Amazing SEX! I Am Married!”
I offer the above with a bit of jest, but I think you follow what I’m suggesting.
God has always declared that the potential for the most passionate, fun and captivating sex is in marriage. Sadly, it is often married folk who miss this point the most. Sexual oneness, foreplay, arousal, orgasm — God designed them all, and married people should be the strongest advocates of such.
Sex is intricately woven into marriage; it is a primary way God actually defines marriage. Too often, though, one spouse will view it as optional, to the detriment of not only the denied spouse, but the denying spouse too! And, of course, to the detriment of the marriage as a whole.
If your husband is begging for sex, is it because you’ve never embraced or have lost sight of what God says about sex?
3. And lastly, if your husband is begging for sex, have you considered the two of you might actually get along better with more sex?
I like my husband better after we make love. I just do. There is something about sex that sets the whole tone in our marriage and home. When we mutually enjoy and pursue sexual intimacy and make love often, we are a calmer and happier couple.
And to build on point 2 above, I think God designed it this way. I think He knew that if we pay attention to what happens when our clothes come off, we would be better equipped to function when our clothes are on.
More harmony. More grace. Less stress.
Much of the division in other areas of your marriage possibly could be lessened or eliminated all together if you get on top of the sexual disconnect between you and your husband.
And when you and your husband nurture all forms of intimacy, including sexual intimacy, you are setting a good example for your kids. A hugely popular post on my site is Your Teens Can Hear You Having Sex? Why THAT May Be Totally Fine.
So, if your husband is tired of begging for sex, what could the two of you do to turn that dynamic around? What will it take to offer up even baby steps toward authentic sexual intimacy?
For more reading, check out these fabulous posts:
Why God is So Thrilled When You and Your Husband Make Love
What is Better Than Falling in Love?
3 Truths About Sex in My Marriage (#3 is the Best)
A Body That Never Quits (MUST-READ post about body image!)
3 Ways the Church is Wrong About Sex (And How We Can Get It Right!)
Want Better Sex? ONE Thing You Must STOP First.
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I quit begging for sex over 30 years ago. I just wait now until she is willing to have sex. The results are not to my liking but I rather take the high road…
If you schedule a once/twice a week date, hubby can count on sex (no asking, no begging) and wife can mentally prepare, get in the mood ahead of time, and get in the habit of having regular sex.
What’s not to like about scheduling a regular sex date?
I stopped begging, asking or even hinting for sex a year ago. She does not care what anyone says about the benefit of sex to a marriage, she will not seek any medical advice for the dryness she experiences, she does not care what God’s word says about the denial of sex by a spouse and she will not see a counselor to discuss any of the above. Unless God brings about the change in her heart nothing will change in our marriage of 38 years.
Five years into my second marriage and the frequency of sex has dwindled down to an average of 11 times per year. Early on I asked for three times a week hoping for two and would settle for one. She laughed. Sometimes we will go 90 days without sexual intimacy. I just wish my wife really understood the importance of frequency even when the quality is outstanding. I’ve been neglected and refused to the point of masturbating to thoughts of her in those times she has wanted me. I refuse to beg like I did in my first marriage but this is ridiculous. Maybe by the time she is in the mood I’ll have ED or prostate issues. A real excuse to not be sexually intimate.
Wives when your man quits begging its time to really worry. When he quits begging he has resolved to not need it from you. That has many devastating effects on your marriage. Funny how I’ve heard “I wish he didn’t want it so much” and when he quits begging they get mad that he shows no interest in them sexually well DUH.
I am one of those “I wish he would stop begging for sex” wives but I have no idea why I am that way. Sex used to be fun but now it’s more of a chore and I am terribly afraid of my kids hearing us to the point I’m embarrassed and wouldn’t even do it if they’re awake. HELP!!!
My wife and I had an active, healthy sex life for 12 years before our daughter was born. Since the birth of our daughter 4.5 years ago, sex has been on a steady decline. Down to 7 times in the last 2 years; only twice in 2018. She claims to be tired and busy all the time. I can understand that to an extent, but when do WE become a priority? I used to ask, even beg, but when I realized I was being turned down more than 95% of the time, it became too depressing and I gave up. I still try and initiate when she’s in a good mood and I think there’s a chance she might be interested, but I’m still turned down. On the rare occasions we do it, she makes comments like “how come we don’t do this everyday?” I say I’d be glad to, but by the next day, she’s lost interest again. If I mention that it’s not healthy to have a sexless marriage I get “there’s more to marriage than sex” or some comment implying, of flat out saying, that I’m a pervert for desiring to make love to my wife. Resentment grows and the marriage suffers, and she wonders and complains why I seem irritable in our marriage. I try telling her why, but then I get the old standby excuses again. Now we barely talk or touch and I’m always on edge. I don’t want to give up on a nearly 17 year marriage, but I’m at a loss for what to do…
All those years without a sex life . I don’t know how I ever did it .to be a young man and know that your wife doesn’t want you . In 1990 I worked nights to pay cash for a new car special ordered just what she wanted .I came home to find her reading the owner manual .no thanks for me . That’s my thank you !
I am growing tired of trying to initiate and all I yet is my hand tossed away or later or I am busy. It is high frustrating when you’re begging for sex and nothing happens. It is also extremely unsatisfying and depressing to beg for it. Its humiliating.
Me and my wife just got married she said right before our wedding night that she needed time so I gave it to her and now it’s been two months it feels terrible i’ve done everything I can to you I’m not ever going to give up loving my wife and doing what’s right praying for trying to do everything I can to be the best husband I can be for my wife I just want to know why why do I need to go to This I do everything I can Bible study After Bible study tried to build a great foundation before we got married she says she gets it but there’s no actions and your words even went to counseling and yet there’s no action I believe in love you unconditionally and I always well I will always do my part because That how Jesus loves And he Endured pain for us are we due for my wife But so desperate for healing I know this is long not like I’ve been married for years sometimes I wonder if she would’ve been more happy if she had been married to some else I don’t ever feel like I’m good enough I feel like I’m a failure
Me and my wife before we were married and before the birth of our first child would be having sex roughly 3 times a week. We made time for each other, I’m not stupid I know from having a child, sex will deminish its natural but scoot forward 5 years and 2 children later, my wife doesn’t instigate sex. I always feel like I beg for it and I feel so disheartened by the rejection. She actually said to me the other night, “well you have a hand don’t you, so use it”. My wife never asks for it, I think we have been at around 10 times a year for roughly 4 years now. I feel unwanted.
If he’s begging for sex, rest assured, he won’t beg forever. He’ll give up, the two of you will grow cold, apart, and bitter, and then he wil leave. Or worse, he’ll stay, and the two of you can live miserably until the day one of you dies.
Wake up, people, both men and women. If your spouse is miserable because you don’t want sex with them, it’s a ticking time bomb.
— Been there.
My wife and I have been married for about 10 years. My son was born 7 years ago and started noticing around that time that sex was less important to her. Totally understandable.. to a degree. Now she acts like it’s gross and that me wanting sex more than her is somehow just me treating her as an apparatus to fill some base dirty desire.
Awhile back I got into the best shape of my life 8% body fat for years and looked like a Greek statue; I thought she might be more attracted to me.. She raised her brows but that was it. I tried being extra gentle and nurturing, taking an interest in things she found interesting or helping her succeed in her endeavors. I tried suggesting changing things up in bed. I tried asking if I could get her anything that she could wear that would make her feel special.. nope.
I tried cultivating love, acceptance, and trust through everything I do for or say to her. I tried working 2 jobs to provide more for her and my son thinking that woman want to feel secure and again.. no increased interest. Now I’m doing PE exercises thinking that I can perform better in bed and she looks at me like I’m a pervert.
Wealthy, wise, sweet, caring, affectionate, good lover, Godly in as much as I can follow God.. what can I do to connect with her the way it use to be.. where’s her thirst for more than the obligatory sex to shut her husband up.
Honestly it’s not the rejection if sex that hurts it’s the insinuation that I’m on par with some wild beast during mating season that just needs to propagate the species, actually I might even take that as it doesn’t only mildly reflects her true feelings.
It’s rough cause my drive to have sex is literally my drive to connect with my wife but she seems to equate my sex drive as gross.. I know she isn’t saying this but the message that I get is that my desire for romance is gross. It’s rejection that cuts to the core and she seems to find it obnoxious that I have feelings like this.
Sometimes I feel like our marriage is the frog that slowly gets boiled.
I wish she wouldn’t be so cold hearted about it like my feelings and the subject of conversation is just down right illegitimate.
Women often don’t get to marry the guy they were first “in love” with. More often, after they do marry a “good enough” second place guy, she realizes that it was the idea of getting married that thrilled her, but not so much the groom himself. She can’t bring herself to desire and give herself to this guy she has married, regardless of what the Bible says. She will often conveniently only select the Bible verses she wishes to pay attention to, ignoring the rest, and blame the husband. Talking doesn’t work. Chores don’t work. Money doesn’t even work. Sure, he might be able to donate his seed to her to have babies at first, and maybe he can provide resources, but many times she just does not see him in the loving way that the husband thinks that she should. But be warned ladies. Some other woman WILL give him the desire and love he NEEDS from a woman. Refuse or neglect his needs and see what happens.
Been married almost 12 yrs to the woman of my dreams.. We have 2 beautiful children that are now 10 and 8.
Sex before was almost everyday for the longest time… She went back to her home country few years ago where she heard rumors that I was cheating on her from relatives whom to this day I still can’t understand why they would try and hurt us lime this.
I did everything i could to prove my innocence even doing a lie detector test proving my innocence..
I love my wife.. She is gorgeous.. A beautiful woman inside and out.
I just wished she understood how deeply hurtful it is being rejected sexually is when it comes from the woman you love
I just don’t know what to do.. I feel like she doesn’t love me anymore..
You know there’s an old saying that says… Women, you complain alot that your husband wants sex often..
You use sex as a tool for negotiation or reward.. but let ke ask you this..
What happens when one day your husband has enough of begging you for your love.
What then?? When your sex tool that you use for getting what you want has no more power..
If you really love your husband.. Better start seeing it through his eyes