intimacy, orgasm, passion, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
He Falls Asleep After Sex? Take It As a Compliment.
Jan
One of the best compliments my husband can give me is to fall asleep immediately after we make love.
I’ve never quite understood why so many wives see this as a slight.
Just to be clear, I’m not talking about a husband selfishly getting his sexual pleasure first and then ignoring his wife’s sexual pleasure. Nope.
This post is about a married couple enjoying their sexual intimacy, and the husband just happens to fall asleep immediately afterward.
Personally, I am grateful my beloved is spent after we make love. It reminds me that he gave everything in those moments — all his energy, all his desire for me, all his emotion, all his heart.
“Good Lord, let the man sleep,” is what I’m thinking, as I smile. He is exhausted and satisfied. Exhaustion that happens on the heels of satisfaction is the best kind of exhaustion, right?
Think of all the times you’ve been exhausted in your life. What’s better? Exhaustion after doing something you love or after something you dread?
A tedious boring work meeting can leave you exhausted. So can a day playing on the beach with people you love. But certainly those two kinds of exhaustion are not the same.
If you’re tempted to be annoyed by his quick drift off to dreamland, consider these three points:
1. His physical response after sex doesn’t have to mirror yours.
So he can fall asleep quickly after sex and you can’t. These are merely different responses. One isn’t right and one isn’t wrong.
There’s a plethora of truth to that old joke that a woman can be having sex and mentally compiling her grocery list at the same time. A guy? Yeah, he’s having sex and thinking about sex.
These are generalities, I know. But you get the point. He maybe has an easier time compartmentalizing than you do. He has proverbial boxes in his head, and when he is in one, he doesn’t see the need in that moment for another box.
After you and your husband make love, he may be exhausted because his sex box is conveniently situated right next to his sleep box. He crawls out of one right into the other. And he hangs out there until something (like an alarm on his phone) tells him it’s time to get into a different box.
Stop seeing it as a character flaw that he falls asleep so quickly after he has sex with you, the woman he loves.
Imagine if he faulted you for not being tired after sex. Imagine if he tried to make you feel bad for being awake. Seems ridiculous when put that way, right?
His response is just different than yours. If he falls asleep and you still have energy, get up and go do something you want to do. Read. Watch Netflix. Take a hot bath. But don’t ruin the great moment you just had by berating him for falling asleep.
2. He truly is physically exhausted.
Sex is physically demanding. Nearly. Every. Time. Your husband possibly falls asleep so quickly after sex because he is literally unable to stay awake.
My husband and I have never experienced immense sexual pleasure by doing nothing. Sex takes physical energy. It’s fun energy, mind you, but certainly neither of us is getting over the edge by just laying there motionless.
And if your husband works a physically demanding job all day, he may arrive in your marriage bed already a bit spent. Or maybe he has a mentally demanding job, and he too is somewhat drained by the time you both crawl beneath the sheets.
But then he gets to enjoy his wife’s body next to his — this powerful connection that culminates with this unbelievable sexual release. Best. Feeling. Ever.
His body then wants sleep. In the best way, his body wants sleep.
3. The connection you’re hungering for after sex may not look like you want it to, but it still can be connection.
Not gonna lie, I struggled in coming up with a label for this last point. But let me explain and I think it will make sense.
Some wives hunger for tender connection in that moment after sex. There is something about this after moment — this moment where the feeling of intense love lingers across your warm bodies and wet skin. Something about this moment where the euphoria of climaxing keeps at bay having to shift gears to something else.
If you are a woman who hungers for connection in that after moment, you likely feel jaded when your husband literally cannot keep his eyes open, let alone have a conversation.
Instead of feeling frustrated, lay there close to him. And consider that this moment doesn’t have to involve conversation. Ask him to simply stay close to you and hold you, even if he is drifting off to sleep.
The silence and stillness and oneness of this moment can be powerful. And you may discover it can be the connection for which you hunger.
Instead of feeling offended by your husband falling asleep after you have sex, can you consider it a compliment? You exhausted him with the best kind of exhaustion.
You did that.
There’s power in that kind of love — passionate, irresistible, undeniable power.
Copyright 2018, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I love this! What a good reminder☺
I think this is a great reminder. Also, though you touched on the exertion required by husbands and wives, you didn’t mention the crazy chemicals that get released. Some of them are bonding–and maybe that is why some wives want to stay, linger, and talk. But some of them are incredibly sedative, and make people want to roll over and sleep. (a husband).
Whenever someone mentions all the physical exertion required or all the calories burned during sex, I just have to wonder. What y’all doing anyway? I fully realize that our sex life is pretty mundane and even a bit sedentary, but I just can’t imagine what it would take to be that worn out, break a sweat or roll over panting like they show in ‘Hollywood’ sex. Maybe I should be jealous? I guess I would like to hear (without going TMI) want is actually happening in a typical Christian marriage bed that involves so much effort. I mean, I usually roll over and go to sleep after sex but because I’m tired from the day and want to sleep. It certainly isn’t from all the energy expended due to sex. What say you??
I love this!
After many years of my husband falling asleep after sex w/out any regard to me, it is NOT seen as a compliment. It is seen as selfish. It is ridiculous to think that a husband can get his sex need met, ignore the wife & go to sleep. How is this any different than a man just using a woman as a penis holder? Not only that, it’s narcissistic for a husband to turn over go to sleep after getting his needs met. It shows the one-sided nature with him being benefited only. You mean a compliment as in letting the narcissistic husband use the female body of the wife to pleasure himself? This is no compliment at all! This would irritate me highly. Over the years of being done like this, one will start to HATE sex & resent it. This type of mentality of thinking this is a compliment does not see that the only emphasis the husband has after sex is about himself. It’s straight-up selfishness & narcissistic!
Thank you for commenting @Jeanie Williams. I’m sorry to hear about the pain in your relationship. Certainly I wasn’t suggesting that it is okay for a husband to be careless with his wife or to see her simply as a body to use. Early in the post, I write this: “Just to be clear, I’m not talking about a husband selfishly getting his sexual pleasure first and then ignoring his wife’s sexual pleasure. Nope.” I think if you have grown to hate sex and resent your husband, it’s likely a reflection of deeper issues in the relationship rather than him falling asleep after having sex. At any rate, I’m sorry you read the post as me saying it was fine for a husband to ignore his wife. That definitely wasn’t the message I was aiming for.
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This opened my eyes a bit. Yes as the wife I am looking for that after intimacy connection but I should enjoy the closeness of just cuddling together even if he’s asleep.