authentic, intimacy, Uncategorized
Great Sex in Marriage All Comes Down To This…
Jun
If you were hoping for a post on mind-blowing orgasm techniques, you’ll have to wait for another day. (I promise. Because as we all know, I do like to write about pleasure).
Today, though, I’m going to bear my serious side a bit on a post I’ve wanted to write for awhile.
Maybe because it’s the time of year when a lot of weddings happen.
Maybe because I was just digging through my deceased grandmother’s photo albums and came across the sweet wedding images of what are now four failed marriages (My first wedding. My brother’s first wedding. My sister’s wedding. A cousin’s first wedding. Eh.)
I began blogging about sex six years ago, and I learned quickly to check my naivety at the door.
And the longer I’ve been married and the more I scroll through the emails and comments in my inbox from readers and the more I glance out at society, I’ve grown numbingly alert to what it takes to build great intimacy in marriage.
Numbingly alert.
Sounds just like clever word play, but it’s not really. When you speak and write about one topic as long as I have, a few common themes emerge.
In my humble opinion, great sex in marriage all comes down to a husband and a wife walking in that direction.
Ta-Da! There you have it. (I know. Mind blown, right? I make it all sound so simple.)
The recipe for great sex (mutually nurtured, valued, satisfying, tender sex) is the exact same recipe for — wait for it — a great marriage.
And great marriages are hard to come by. Trust me. I have a failed marriage on my resume, and my current marriage has had its fair share of ups and downs.
Great marriages are hard to come by, because they take effort — ongoing effort. Sure, some marriages begin with and journey through easier cards than other marriages, but even the “easier” marriages take a fair amount of work.
And truth be told, no marriage is great all the time. (Two sinful people just aren’t equipped to pull off that kind of phenomenon).
The hopeful part is that if both people want indeed to put effort in, they will see progress. Even greatness.
Who among us hasn’t heard of marriages that were mediocre or on the brink of disaster that then were healed, redeemed and strengthened, all because the two people took even baby steps in the right direction — and kept walking (sometimes crawling) in that direction?
My current marriage is evidence to this, with its own periods of greatness that ebb and flow and encourage me and humble me.
Of course, the excruciating part — the flip side to what I just described above — is that if one person wants to nurture intimacy (emotional, physical, spiritual) and the other person does not, the quandary is deafening loud in the heart of the person who is hungering for intimacy.
Deafening loud.
Sometimes there is a third scenario where neither the husband nor wife really care about the marriage and neither wants to stack their odds in the direction of growth. I don’t put too much faith in these situations, because few survive for long.
Where my heart grieves the most are the marriages where one person wants growth. And the other does not.
And I will be honest. I never have easy answers.
I have no magic words that will spur action within a marriage to compel both people to both want healthy growth at the same time (or at least in close proximity to each other’s timing).
The insight I offer is what virtually every other Christian marriage writer and speaker offer. When I blog or speak about sexual intimacy in marriage, I’m simply saying try this or try that.
Nearly every post I write has some element of try this or try that.
And there are no guarantees that this or that will work (I know. Another excruciating reality).
Yet, sometimes what I write or another author writes or another person speaks into the marriage or the way God motivates a person does indeed bring about healthy change.
Hallelujah.
Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.
Lord have mercy.
Progress. Hope. Glimpses of goodness out of what seem like impossible scenarios.
And those are the reasons I still write and speak on sex in marriage. Because — not gonna lie — I’ve been tempted to throw in the towel on all of it. All. Of. It.
But then I get an email from someone sharing that God used something I wrote or said to help their marriage grow in intimacy. I’m inspired to carry on. To keep speaking hope into desperate places.
Great sex — great intimacy of any kind — in marriage all comes down to a husband and a wife walking in that direction.
Whether you are single and want to be married someday, engaged or currently married, aim for greatness in marriage. Go into it (or begin where you are if you are already married) with the raw recognition that it’s going to take effort.
Because. Well. It is.
A lot of effort.
But the reward for all that effort? Wow. Just wow.
Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
This might well be the best post I’ve read in a month. So. Very. True. Thank you for keeping on keeping on. Marriages are worth the effort — ours and others’. Blessings!
I would just like to know how to deal with a husband who NEVER wants sex. Over four years now. I’m over it.
Julie,
I can TOTALLY relate to your words: “And those are the reasons I still write and speak on… Because — not gonna lie — I’ve been tempted to throw in the towel on all of it. All. Of. It. But then I get an email from someone sharing that God used something I wrote or said to help… I’m inspired to carry on. To keep speaking hope into desperate places.”
Being involved in a ministry, I think that we can all relate to being at that place in our mind from time to time… :>)
Keep up the great work! Many blessings to you!
Thanks Julie for your honesty and transparency. As a husband who wants to grow more deeply each day and face rejection regularly, particularly in the area of physical intimacy there are times when I have felt like giving up. However knowing that Christ did not give up on me spurs me on to be a better husband, loving my wife as best I can (Ephesians 5:25). God bless you.
Well, I am one who has been helped by your marriage ministry. My wife and I had no physical intimacy for years, then I found your site (and others you pointed me to). We have the best sexual intimacy that we have every had in our 50+ years of marriage. I had to read many blogs over several months before I had the courage and words to say to my wife. What encouraged me the most were stories of couples who were healed, and stories of how they were coming together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I became jealous and wanted that for our marriage. When I confronted my wife, she immediately changed toward me and since then we have been the happiest we have ever been. I just wish I had found your site years earlier. – Mike
Between menopause and prostate surgery, I was ready to “throw in the towel” on our sex life. Even though, physically, sex is often impossible for us, your ministry has helped keep me from distancing myself from my husband and has encouraged me to work with him to build our relationship through other forms of intimacy. Which, by the way, are great alternatives.
Even poor replies may actually be helping someone see the light.
When I come here, I keep what I need and leave the rest.
You have no idea who your words will encourage. God works in mysterious ways.
It is very tough and heartbreaking when you are the only one who puts in the effort. I am the opposite of Morgan ^. My wife and I just celebrated 17 years of marriage. The last full year has been O intimacy. 0 sex, 0 kisses, 0 hugs. We have two great children and she is on the couch while I am in our marriage bed…waiting. I am a praying man, but life is short and I have a lot to offer one that reciprocates love.
Julie, don’t give up. You are a GREAT writer and have so much wisdom to share about marital intimacy! Keep up the great work.
I have been helped by your words and the word of others in the christain sex blogosphere.
I struggled w lack of desire, I struggled w initiating, I was afraid to bare myself to my husband physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We had sex at best once per month.
And that was BEFORE children.
Now, we’ve had 2 babies and Im muddled through no desire due to breastfeeding hormones and pain after sex plus babies in our room but the articles that Ive read and continue to read remind me that sex is important, not to give up, keep being vulnerable, push pash the fear of rejection, speak up and be bold w initiation versus the subtle cues I attempted before, be active in the moment, be enthusiastic, that sex is for me too, ect, ect, ect.
Things are not where I hope them to be but Im continuing to press forward and walk in that direction.
Your words have helped me.
This is a wonderful piece of writing on sexual matters. I equally view great sex as a sexual relationship in which both husband and wife enjoyed it to the fullness. In other words, both reached an orgasm.
I am so grateful for your blog postings and your fantastic book PURSUIT OF PASSION! It is the BEST book about intimacy in marriage that I have read. Thank you for persevering and reaching out to those of us who have been struggling to achieve complete intimacy in our marriages! And thanks to everyone who posts comments and shares their stories–they are helpful! It took my wife 10 years to have her first orgasm, yet over the years, and especially after menopause, great sex deteriorated into “quickies” out of duty. I plan to introduce her to the material in your book and see what happens! “Love Never Fails” I Corinthians 13:8