This situation isn’t exactly unique, right? A married Christian couple. Who slept with each other before marriage.
But what is baffling for some couples is that the sex before the marriage was better than it is now.
“What’s up with that?!!” they may ask quietly to themselves, not really wanting to dig through the rubble to look for the answers.
Yes, some couples may chock it up to “life is busier now” or “that was when we were younger.”
Sometimes, though, I think couples land on a different answer — sadly, one that is incredibly short-sighted.
It’s one I hear particularly from women in these situations.
She knows they were out of God’s will with the premarital sex, so when sex in the marriage begins to tank, she assumes it’s punishment.
It’s their lot in life now, she thinks. God’s payback for doing things in the wrong order.
Consider, though, why that reasoning is short-sighted:
First, God is totally in the forgiveness business.
It’s His main gig. His calling card. His neon sign. His love letter.
So if you think the sin of sexual promiscuity and premarital sex is worse than other sin — some how beyond His reach of forgiveness — I beg of you to adjust your lens and turn it toward His heart.
Why is this so hard? I’m not sure. Probably has something to do with our innate struggle to humbly accept something we’ve come to believe we in no way deserve.
Any. Way. What I do know is this…
What He asks of you regarding your past sexual experience — even if it was with the person to whom you eventually pledged your life — is that you ask for forgiveness and repent of the sin.
The good news about that is the mere fact that your sexual activity is now in marriage shows that you do indeed know how to repent. You have left your sexual promiscuity behind you. Any sex you are having now is in its right and holy context.
Yeah you! Yeah God!
But you have to believe and accept forgiveness for it to authentically transform your life, your marriage and your sexual intimacy. Will you do that?
Second, when you get stuck thinking mediocre sex is God’s punishment, you put a big smile on Satan’s face.
Yeah, that enemy, he is a conniving, scheming, manipulative, sneaky jerk (and I’m saying that through my filter, so feel free to add any choice words that come to mind).
It delights Satan to no end to see your marriage suffer.
Satan hates marriage, something that is so drenched with God’s heart and vision that Satan can’t help but do whatever possible to sabotage it.
And here’s the thing. Satan is kind of a grassroots sort of guy.
Sure, we see glimpses of him in the larger social realm where marriage is being re-defined and maligned. BUT where does he really gain ground?
In individual marriages. Maybe even in your marriage.
And he has become so adept at spinning one particular lie that we are often unaware of his presence until long after he has been snuggled up at the foot of our marriage bed, possibly for years.
The lie? He tells singles to have sex because “Everyone is doing it!” and “It feels good and you deserve to feel good!” and “If something feels so good, how could it possibly be wrong?!”
Wait for it…
He tells those EXACT SAME PEOPLE after they are married that “Sex is boring! sex is duty! Your spouse is selfish for wanting sex! You sinned before marriage! God won’t let you have great sex now! You don’t deserve it!”
See what I mean?
Satan’s “go to” strategy is always division. Always. So whatever he can do to cause division and disconnect in your marriage and in your sexual intimacy, he will do it by any means possible.
The good news is that you can take back the ground in your marriage Satan has said is his. You can. Tell him he has to go.
“Well, how do I do that?!”
Ask for God’s help. And start shedding light on the pain and sexual disconnect and sexual lethargy between you and your spouse.
Satan works in the dark (a.k.a. silence, isolation, confusion, assumptions). God, on the other hand, works in the light (a.k.a. humility, honesty, transparency, conversation, tenderness).
Talk to your spouse about how you want things to look different — better — healthier in your marriage bed than they look right now.
Take baby steps to undo mediocrity and replace it with authentic and frequent intimate connection.
Pray. Seek God’s Word. Go after biblically sound resources that give you insights about sex.
Do all this enough and Satan will crawl right out of your bed, retreating to the shadows where his influence is nil.
If you had sex before you were married, even with the person who is now your spouse, those past sexual encounters do not define the course in your bed now.
You and your spouse define the course.
I don’t know if you think the sex now isn’t as hot because you’ve got a couple rugrats running around — or you think it’s not hot because you haven’t allowed yourself to truly walk in God’s truth.
What I DO know is that God’s vision for your marriage is nurtured and passionate intimacy all the way around.
You, your spouse and God define what’s happening sexually in your bed.
How about the three of you get together and come up with a plan?
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Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
13 thoughts on “Did You Have Sex With Your Spouse Before You Married?”
I just want to say thank you very much for being so very truthful and honest. I think you are very insightful and I can’t wait to read your book.
Way to nail this one Julie! Yep Satan is a jerk bent on destroying marriage by any means he can. It is time to say no more and center our marriage and sex life around God’s design.
God Bless sis,
The problem is that the churches never preach the dos they only preach the donts of sex so when people get married there brains are wired for donts not dos and people hit a mental block because teaching is unbalanced
Amen, amen, amen! And thank you for putting it out here in the bright light of day, in black + white. And you are 100% correct – our God is a forgiving God. And He is the God of NOW – He is most interested in having our love + attention right now. Yesterday is gone.
Related to this- I recently ran across this quote from Kin Hubbard: “Men are not punished FOR their sins, but BY them.”
Hubbard didn’t mention God, but to my believing heart, the obvious truth in this is that it is not GOD punishing us. I believe God grieves for us, and He yearns for us to reach to Him + heal. The earthly consequences of sin- together with the enemy’s evil involvement- often punish people, and often in their own minds as well, as you point out. But all this is not from God. God is yearning for us to reach to Him for healing and He’s working in our hearts to make us realize that and act on that. Work with Him! He will leap to join + bless + sanctify your every, your smallest, effort to reach to Him for healing.
“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin…” – Zechariah 4:10 (NLT) … from ~2700 years ago. God is good, and everything from Him is good. Everything evil is from the enemy.
My husband and I were virgins when we married, but I had a history of self exploration and fantasy. I found this post helpful because I think Satan has been whispering a similar lie to me – “your sex life isn’t great because of what you did / because you wanted it too much”. I struggle with orgasm, and his drive is not very high as well as occasional ED problems. We communicate well, but I don’t think we’ve really acknowledged Satan’s activity here. We just thought it was the way we are. Not anymore! Thanks for posting!
This is the first time I’ve heard of this blog and the only reason I’ve stumbled upon this post is because I’m procrastinating cleaning up my kitchen. I stumbled upon it while cruising Facebook because J from Hot Holy and Humorous shared it. If you only knew how much I needed to read every single word and how this very issue has weighed so heavily on my heart for almost four years. I love my husband! I don’t want to shut him out, I want to enthusiastically say YES to him and not punish both him and I for something we’ve already confessed. But the guilt always seems to weigh me down and ends up coming in full force when we end up getting to a good place with our intimate life. So thank you for writing this and thank God I procrastinated tonight — He most certainly shows us exactly what we need to see when we need to see it if only we open our eyes and hearts to Him.
@Noelle … thank you for your kind words! I am glad you procrastinated tonight too! Blessings to you!
We also need to ask for forgiveness from our spouse, for in participating in sexual activity outside of the marriage bed, we sin against one another… yes, even when it is consensual.
And lastly, choose to forgive yourself… for the wrong and sinful choices you made.
Then accept that forgiveness and move on and ask God to heal you and your spouse in the areas where you have been thinking wrongly.
We had sex before we were married, we were both Christians,we tried multiple times to make that time our last but …I really struggled after we got married. The guilt ate at me and I really felt like I had my fun before I got married so it was time for my punishment and I suffered with enjoying being intimate. Even our wedding night was tainted. I often found excuses not to have sex, way too many. It’s only been in the last 2-3 yrs ( we’ve been married 14) I have come to realize God’s design for sex is best but not following it and making mistakes doesn’t mean God is going to punish me. It’s about forgiveness and redemption and correcting those mistakes, making changes and forming a concrete relationship that centers around Christ. I love reading your blog and a few others, they have helped me come to terms with my past and totally enjoy being intimate with my husband. I got married at 21 and have often thought my best years were over but looking at sex as a gift and finding a Christian with advice on sex in marriage has been so uplifting and has healed so many wounds. Can’t thank you enough. My husband is grateful too:)
My husband and I before we got married were both are Christians…. Then I find out he’s cheating on me…long story short…. He left me when I was in the hospital…. We were divorced last year… But I’ve chosen to steadily walk in forgiveness… Even though I never wanted the divorce…. I was still trying to understand what I did to make him leave me…….for awhile…. But….I knew I was not guilty of anything….. Well…great news….He had an encounter with the LORD….he admitted to living a lie to his family for the past 50 years… He’s in the process of restoring his relationship with his son…. And….becoming friends with his first wife….who he divorced a long time ago…. We were married in 2008..he left me in 2013…..I still believe GOD will honor our marriage…. And am I wrong for Beliveing…Scripturally…. He had no grounds to divorce me….I was always willing to be submissive in every way to honor him…..but….he’s wondering and seeking God…if our marriage was…ever… BLESSED… And…can it be since he’s totally walking a straight line spiritually… He knows I still love him…but…we will be going to counciling in a very short while…. He’s allowing the LORD to remove layer upon layer of sin from his past….. Do you believe he should return back to me ?????Especially if I never wanted the divorce….. PLEASE RESPOND WHEN YOU CAN…..Ang
My wife and I were both virgins when we met and I had never even held hands with a girl, let alone kissed one, until we began dating. We remained virgins for one year, ten months, and nine days after we began dating and then, in a hazy morning after our engagement, we had sex. For about 8 seconds. I broke her hymen and the pain and blood shut her down completely. We didn’t do it again untjl our wedding night and had the consolation of “at least we didn’t have to go through that on our wedding night”. I was and still am honored that I got to be the one to “break her seal” as she put it.
We waited until marriage. I consider it to be the biggest mistake I ever made. My wife doesn’t like sex and never has. She has no interest in it either and no reason to talk to her doctor to find out why. She is content with how things are. Since I followed the rules, I didn’t find out any of this until it was too late. I followed the rules and all I got was a life of near celibacy broken up with a few occasions of guilt/pity sex.
He’s the one who must think of it as a punishment for pre-marital sex since he has refused to indulge for close to 4 years.