marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Has Your Husband Asked God to Take His Sex Drive Away?
Oct
I receive more emails and comments from men than I do from women.
This does not surprise me.
What did initially surprise me, though, when I began blogging is the depth of pain expressed in these emails from men who hunger for more sexual intimacy in their marriage.
Notice I just wrote “sexual intimacy,” rather than using the word “sex.”
Nearly all the communication I receive from husbands clearly shows that sex is not just sex to them (contrary to what popular culture and stereotyping would lead us to believe).
They aren’t just looking for a release.
Because let’s face it, they could get that from their own hand. Sure, some resort to secret masturbation on a regular basis, because they see no other option afforded them. Yet most would gladly admit that what they really want is to make love to their wife.
Sex is never just about sex. It’s about wanting to feel connected, affirmed and one with the person to whom you’ve pledged your life.
Some marriages are high on conflict about sex and incredibly low on resolution and healing. Two people slowly drift away from each other sexually, either because healing the disconnect is not a shared value or because one or both spouses believe the marriage is irretrievably broken sexually.
My God, marriage is hard, isn’t it? I get that. I know.
I don’t minimize the challenge it is to build an intimate marriage. Being married is a high and holy calling and it is hard, hard work. And so much impacts sexual intimacy, from hormonal and physical issues to relationship struggles to betrayal to life circumstances to skewed views about sex.
The list goes on.
But it is tragic commentary in a marriage when either spouse has prayed for God to take away something that is inherently woven into the very design of marriage. God’s design for marriage.
I am grieved any time I read an email or comment where a husband has resigned to defeat, thinking there is no longer any viable option but to pray — even beg — for God to take his sexual desire away.
The devastation of laying next to a woman who neither pursues him sexually nor responds lovingly to his initiation is just too much. Too much.
To frame this in another perspective, consider if you as a wife are feeling emotionally neglected by your husband.
Do you pray that God remove your desire for emotional oneness with the man you fell in love with and married?
Some of you may pray this, but my guess is that most women in that situation do not wish for their desire for emotional connection to go away.
They would rather see the relationship healed and strengthened, right?
Deep down when a husband has prayed God take his sexual desire away, what he is really screaming from the caverns of his soul is that he desperately wants the relationship healed and strengthened.
He wants — genuinely wants — authentic sexual intimacy with the woman he married.
If there are struggles in your marriage about sexual frequency, do you ever wonder if your husband has prayed for God to take his sexual desire away?
Well, here’s the deal.
God probably isn’t going to answer that prayer with a yes.
And even if He did, would we really consider that a victory for your marriage?
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@I’ve done this. How can you train your body to crave your wife less? I desperately need to get rid of my desire before I lose my mind. My marriage can be described as a short burst of affection following a long stretch of neglect and then followed by more of the same. She has been ignoring my needs for about 2 months now and I don’t know how much more I can stand. Frequently, she has taken to telling me in the morning that she was in the mood the night before but I missed my opportunity. She gives no hint when she is in the mood but feels the need to tell me after and it just kills me inside. I want to stop feeling like garbage all the time. I just want it to end. I can’t live like this any longer. I need to get rid of my need for physical intimacy before the unfulfilled need drives me to do something I will regret.
Not only have I asked God to do so, but I am actively seeking herbal remedies to severely curtail my drive. Especially since my wife had rejected me years ago and I’m told had labeled me a womanizer and sex addict before marrying me. Why marry me anyway I wonder?
To H: (Hang in there, man, I feel you.)
You may wonder,”why would a man feel this way?”
I can’t answer for all men, but for me, I’ve always had a high sex drive (sometimes too high, I think). You look at the rules of polite society. 1. you know leering, touching at the opposite gender is wrong. 2. It’s inappropriate
if you respond to a woman at work, school, the shopping market, or most anyone else. 3. when a man’s hormones are raging, as you alluded to in some comments, he’s more likely to seek out a opportune moment with a female. 4. How many times we,ve heard that some man has sexually assaulted a family member or child. 5. And as a follow-up, I wonder how many men that are incarcerated would state that they were neglected sexually by their mates or mistreated by some woman in their past. 6. I’ll say that the laws are not God, yet nowadays, an unwilling spouse can cry out “spousal rape”, and in so doing, a man can be fearful of having his life ruined. 7. Thank God for you and this site! It helps me to not feel that I’m not the only one. 8. I sympathize with “H”. That’s the reason I wrote these replies. I’ve read some of his earlier ones. There have been some occasions where I’ve been extremely depressed to the point of commiting suicide. Thank God I’ve had to raise my daughter by myself (my wife left us) since she was 11, and that was 15 yrs ago. That’s what kept me going. 9. I like to think that if you’re a stand-up guy, maybe there are times you question whether or not women are right when they tell you things. You think, maybe I should work hard at straightening my thought life out and seek God, but sometimes you DO wish there was something to take to make it easier. 10. I think that no sane and loving man really wants to do something he’ll regret. And sometimes these unmet needs can be hell on a man’s nerves. I really wish women (wives) would get that.
And I as a follow-up. In some ways I felt woreser than H. Pardon me for any potential shock value, but I’ve had the thought of having myself castrated (and I don’t mean chemically) just to put an end to this torture, because some women have no sense of the impact their words have on the psyche of a man. (But I haven’t done that because I’m a coward.)And some of us really do get that we’ve hurt women in the past, and don’t want to repeat it. Sometimes when we marry or date someone, we’re dealing with their baggage. And I don’t want to add to another woman’s baggage so a future mate will have to deal with.
all couples should try and be flexible and avoid refusing one another.your bodybelong to yourhusband and vise versa.allow him t o enjoy the sweet waters
I did this for a while. I really did. It was not an answered prayer and didn’t help. So, I got smarter (maybe that’s not the right word). I approached my doctor (who trusts me and I can speak freely to) to prescribe anti-depressants for me. I did this knowing full well that loss of sex drive is a common side effect. In fact, that was my plan. My doctor was willing to let me try them – more because she thought I was showing signs of actual depression. Side note: sexless marriage was probably part of the depression. Anyway, it seemed like a good plan.
I never ended up taking those pills. I considered it too great a risk for my brain chemistry. I didn’t want to screw up whatever is going on in my head because my wife had shut off sex.
Time took care of it naturally (see recent related post). Well, sort of. I still have a sex drive. Just not for my wife. I don’t care to even touch her. She could walk past me buck naked and I wouldn’t even look up. She’s not unattractive. But the fire is dead I think.
Now, divorce consumes my brain. I think about the details (good and bad) of what that means. I don’t pray for that. It’ll just happen. And when she is (probably) blind sided, I’ll remind her of the many years now of sexless marriage. Of how I specifically communicated that as a need and it was consistently and steadily ignored. All of this bums me out but I’m growing tired of feeling trapped.
I prayed almost daily that God would take away my sex drive from the onset of puberty for the next fourteen years (ending a year before my marriage). I frequently considered either castration or suicide to get rid of the burning, but I was too chicken to do either. I stopped when I talked about it to my pastor, and he said “Jesus is not going to take away what God the Father has given.”
I wish I could say I haven’t prayed that same prayer (that God would take away my drive) often in my marriage, but that would be a lie.
All the articles and all the podcasts mention it being the husband. What about the wife? I’m a wife that has this struggle. I initiate with him most of the time. I’m the one that gets rejected and turned down for sex. I’m the one that wants to be intimate with him more frequently than we are. I actually just googled searched how to pray away my sexual desire for my husband and this article came up. I’m always reading how it’s the husband that has the higher sex drive and she’s turning him down or rejecting him. It’s me the woman though. What do I do? I feel completely lost and alone. I’m super frustrated and often cry because of the lack of sexual intimacy and frenquency. It’s emotionally overwhelming. Please help!!!
@Shawna B … thank you for your comment. I’m saddened to hear what you are going through, and I do hear from other women in similar situations.
I do have a page on my site with many posts on this topic. You may find some helpful insights here: https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
Man H I know how you feel as I have been married over 30yeRs and can count on both hands how many times she actually wanted me, in all fairness she was abbused as a child and now has issues but she failed to mention that when we met then married later in fact she told me she was a virgin, wow! Now here we are NO intamacy at all it’s been 6yrs of none, I understand when you say you’re mind wonders I try not to but I’m a man who’s been denied for several years I wish sometimes that I had a friend you know a friend who would want to be intamate with me as I’m starving sexually no maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but I can’t understand she n others say I’m handsome I’m not overweight I try to look good for her in the hope that she would want to be intamate with me but we now don’t even sleep in same room I’m lonely and getting depressed ?
I have never considered suicide but I have prayed for my sex drive to go away. That has not happened so I have tried ACCEPTANCE. And……I have accepted that I will never again have passionate intimate sex with my wife. Actually, I now think we never did. She just acted to get what she wanted. Am I angry about it? Every single day! But she has no idea because displaying the anger will not change a thing. The few sexual times we have had for years are obligatory. Nothing intimate or passionate or exciting as God would expect. It slowly erodes the intimacy and friendship of a what could be a wonderful marriage.
I googled the question “Do men ever pray to lose their drive” and was surprised to find this excellent post.
Problem is, most women who happen on it are honestly looking for answers too.
Men who have been duped into marriage to a low drive spouse–a woman looking for security, legitimacy, a family and a hundred other reasons other than a reliable and passionate sexual partner– have fallen into a trap. The woman gets the ring and the game continues until the marriage takes hold. Children are often involved. Then the guy realizes he’s been had. She has all the power. Excuses and years pile up. He’s a pig. Maybe he becomes an adulterer also. Then he’s both and in a poor position for a divorce.
Move into a separate room and let it slip at every opportunity that your wife is in name only? Then you are even worse than a cuckold. You ARE castrated.
I have no solution. As David Schnarch asserts, the high drive spouse always controls the relationship. That’s money, family, and sex–there’s just not much sex. No way out of this one.
My wife is going through the change of life and has told me she has no desire for sex. How does a man just turn it off? I am 53 and still have the desire to have sex 3 nights a week. We have not had sex in 3 months and I am about to lose it. Why does God let us be miserable? This is a natural desire that he designed. I need help.
I just want this to end. It has been months since we last had sex and years since we last made love. I don’t even remember the last time I felt loved or desired. I tried herbal supplements with only limited, temporary relief. If anyone out there knows how to suppress a male sex drive, please let me know. I can’t take antidepressants or mood altering drugs due to work requirements. I just want to turn off the desire. I need for the need to end. I would rather not feel anything at all than continue to feel this constant urge that never goes away and is never satisfied. Are there foods I can eat more of or foods I should avoid eating? Has anyone tried hypnosis? I already have a high stress job and that’s not killing the drive. Are there drugs I could get prescribed that stop testosterone production? I’ve also read that excessive alcohol use curbs sex drive but that’s apparently wrong too. About the only time I am sober is at work. The stress at work prevents the desire but it comes right back when I get home and no amount of booze will kill it unless I keep going until I pass out. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I have been married for 37 1/2 years no love making for about the past 12 to 15 years.
I have pretty much accepted it is gone l know how you all feel l feel that pain of desire, passion every day.
I have thought of divorce l have thought to just get into my truck go east or west anywhere to start a new life.
But l love my wife so much after months of prayer l have decided to accept romance and our sexual relationship is long gone.
But l will stay with my wife and remain faithful to her.
I wouldn’t want to be with any other woman. We are Basicly like best friends living together and l accept that I dought the future will change but l come home to the best woman in the world every day and love her to death it is ok if we never have sexual or romance times again l love my wife that much.
My word to all men going threw this or women if you each other as much as my wife and l do that love should be enough
Jim
Jim – you sound like a wonderful man. May God richly reward you for your loving commitment, not only in the life to come, but here and now!
May He also open the eyes of your beloved wife so she might see what a treasure she has in her life.
I know how it feels not to be needed or wanted it’s been about 7years of no intamacy none, not even to sit with me, as I stated before she was abbused as a child, but she didn’t tell me about it until 5 or 6 years into our marriage, infact she had told me that she was a virgin, so I guess I was dupped I do love her but I’m just so lonely in this marriage she’s never home , you see I’ve just became retired I was able to retire at age 55 so here I am at home tryn to stay in shape making hobbies and hoping that she would give me some kind of sense that she likes me I do housework, yardwork and get paid more in retirement than she brings home working, my point is that I pay bills I do all that is expected of a good husband, I’m just soo darn lonely, she won’t let me sleep with her she says she’s more comfortable without me so I sleep on couch, she’s never home she volunteers for overtime every week so she’s home on Sunday but even then she always goes out to the store or somewhere, two days ago I gave her some money and asked if she could get a little groceries as there’s nothing to eat here at home, well I’m still waiting so I asked her if she still has the money I gave her she said no I only have 27 dol left, I asked her where did it go? She gets really defensive and says I don’t have the receipts but I’ll look for them if you need to see them ofcourse they never surfaced , so here I am starving for attention from a woman I love but I’m starting to think that she just doesn’t like me, I’m not a bad man I don’t even curse at her but I think I’m being takn advantage of in so many ways, I have caught her lying to me several times, I’m sorry people I’m just venting as I have no one to talk to, and I wish she would at least show me she’s interested in me we have been married over 30 years and she never has initiated sex with me so you can imagine how it is here sometimes I just want to get in my old truck and just drive away somewhere nice and rent a small house and maybe make new friends who knows even someone who would be interested in me WOW wouldn’t that be something, because my wife with her words has cut me to my soul, like “I will cook n clean for you but for that I’m not that girl”! Or what about this one “I don’t need you” or how bout this one ” I never wanted you! You just always hung around ” those words cut bad and I’m still trying to get her attention I guess I’m a fool, it’s okay I said it cuz that’s how I feel. When I was younger a long time ago there was a girl who was so into me and I her and because of that I think I can say I know what intamacy should feel like, I know its wrong to take your own life but sometimes I actually think about it, who am I to think that anyone would want me, oh how I wish I had a friend to talk with I have tried and she found out and blew up cuz I put our business out there I told her that I didn’t know it was a secret, I have no relationship with my sisters cuz she doesn’t like them and viceversa they don’t like her, so there we are my life in a nutshell, retired, unwanted, unneeded, no intamacy in several years and oh SOO lonely I’m not ugly I’ve been told I’m handsome and I’m only 212 lbs at 5’11” … Look at me I feel like I’m trying to sell myself I’m so sorry bout that, please can someone who understands respond back I don’t know if it’s allowed but I can leave my email address here for talks… Please help and say a prayer for all of us
Count me in as another husband who has begged and pleaded with God to take away my desire for my wife. We are a rather young Christian couple with 2 amazing kiddos. My wife lost much of her sexual desire before we were married due to some hormonal treatments she was involved in at the time, and also due to relenting, non-stop messages of “wait until marriage”. So, we did. Immediately after our wedding I knew there were problems. I was always told that the honeymoon is a time for intense passion. Ours was a time of no passion and lots of sleep, by her, not me. I was devastated. I don’t know what I would have done if I knew that our entire marriage would be filled with intense sexual frustration, as my wife is shows little to no physical affection. It’s my primary love language, not hers. We “waited until marriage”, so this was something new to me post-wedding cake. I love her, I don’t want to leave her ever, and I don’t want anyone else. She’s all I want and all I need, but she wants nothing physically do to with me in return. Except when she wanted kids and needed me for the biological realities. Other than those seasons, 2-3 times a year is a “good year”. Not a week, not a month, a year. That’s insane and definitely not what the church prepped me for during my single days. My nights are spent watching TV after she goes to bed as I can’t stand laying there next to her, aching for her, while she snores the night away. She snores and I ache, literally. My face and chest ache from the constant rejection. I cry out to God most every night, but get no relief. Worst of all, she has no clue of what she’s doing to me and has no desire to talk about it or face up to her part in this. In counseling, she told the counselor that I needed to not be so angry and short all the time. Gee, possibly if she wasn’t constantly refusing me and would show an ounce of desire, I wouldn’t feel so hurt, depressed, betrayed, and angry. I’ve pleased for God to either heal her or take away my desire for her. Years and years I’ve been praying this, and so far, nothing. Zip. Nada. It seriously makes me question teachings in the Bible that tell us that God is all we need and can satisfy the emptiness in our lives. In this case, I fail to see how that’s possible. I wish it were, but I’m not seeing it. Reading around the internet, I know that I’m not the only Christian husband in the boat. But why? Why aren’t churches addressing this? Why are women’s ministries full of feel-good emotional talks with doilies and flowers, instead of some reality checks on how the lack of affection is killing their husbands? I’ve never heard a sermon on this. Not at any church we’ve attended nor from other pastors I listen to online. I’m depressed, empty, and am finding it harder and harder to put on a happy smile when I’m at home. I’m out of gas. I don’t know what else to do. One who does not see a need to change will not change. Right now, she sees no problem with this at all. But, I still love her.
@Brad: I feel for you. I’ve been married almost nine years and nearly sexless the whole time. There has been so little sex that we have no children. I have been lonely, depressed, angry at my wife and the church. I don’t have much hope that things will change. She has no desire for me at all. We waited for marriage and it turns out that I waited for nothing. Our honeymoon was similarly uneventful. I wish that we had heard just one sermon on this issue before we got married. Now I have nothing left. I’m running out of reasons to go on. I don’t bother faking a smile anymore.
Some men don’t have a strong sex drive
and don’t need sex very often.
Some men have an over active sex drive and need sex all the time.
If Sex is not just about sex, but it also fills an emotional need for affection, affirmation, and connection,
Are we dealing with two entities or one?
There’s the physical need/drive for sex.
Then there’s the emotional need sex fills.
I think this is where a lot of women get hung up. Is it the physical need for sex or the emotional need for sex their husband has?
Which need is the driving force?
Are men with higher sex drives more emotionally needy or just more physically needy?
Are men with lower sex drives less emotionally needy or just less physically needy?
If a man only needs sex once a week, does he love his wife less than the man who needs sex 4 or 5 times a week?
If a man wants his sex drive to go away, is it the physical drive or the emotional need he wants to decrease?
If his physical drive decreased, would his emotional need for connection and affirmation decrease?
It’s all so confusing for a woman at times.
If my “husband” (really my roommate) has asked God to take away his sex drive, it is to make it easier for him to punish me for not being his version of the ideal wife (i.e., I am “MEAN” to him). Over the course of 42+ years of a sexual relationship (36 years of it within marriage; we started dating at 16; first had sex at 18. We are both the same age), he has periodically withheld sex. First it was because we weren’t married (a valid reason), then after marriage, as a way of behavioral modification. If I am his idea of “nice” to him, he’ll give the shrew a break. Of course, he would break down once in a while, when the urge would overtake him, and actually sacrifice himself to the ogre. It is now close to 4 years since the last encounter. In all that time, I guess I have never been “nice”; have been “mean” 24 hours, 7 days a week (of course, including holidays) for all these years. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? No one can be “mean” all the time. Ah, but if he has no sex drive, then, voila, how much easier it is to continue the punishment until I turn into his version of the perfect wife! No arguing, begin to adore domestic duties, continue to work for a wage. But guess what? He has now found a church which makes him happy! He has found “true” fulfillment! He doesn’t need a wife anymore! He always had God; now his holiness has a church! Hallelujah! Who could ask for anything more.
I have done exactly this for over 2 years now (married for almost 3). I pray daily for God to remove my desire toward my wife…with little, if any success. She’s made comments when I ask why she’s withholding intimacy from me that she’s angry I am not able to feel the same intimate connection to her without sex. I go through life now feeling guilty and thinking there’s something very wrong with me because I feel such a strong physical attraction to her. I feel now that it’s wrong of me to feel any type of physical attraction or sexual desire toward her. I’m tired of feeling rejected. Am I praying incorrectly? What’s the proper way for one to ask God to remove sexual attraction and desire from one’s heart toward their spouse?
It hurts different to see that there are some kind honest men that are living in sexual denial. As a female with a high sex drive, I’ve often prayed for God to take my desire away , it feels pointless and futile and makes me needy, something that is apparently wrong nowadays. I just need it to go. AND NEVER RETURN.
Before my wife and i got married my wife said to me “if i wasnt a christian i would probably be a slut because im horny all the time” I was a fool to believe that. As the old line goes “what food reduces a females sex drive? Wedding cake!”
We have been married 10 years now and we do have 2 kids under 5 this hasnt helped things at all, in fact i didn’t know think we could get worse but here we are. I never wanted children but i couldnt withhold this from my wife as she really desired them. I love my children dearly, but i now wonder if im a chump because where i didn’t want to withhold children from our life experience together. Now i feel our intimate connection that we had is being withheld. Please someone give a straight answer to how to get rid of this sexual desire. Im falling appart, i feel like a child for the way i feel and im contemplating childish ideas like running away in the night. Only 2 things stopping me and those are my kids.