marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
Is Your Spouse Begging for Sex?
Oct
As someone who blogs about sex, I see common storylines revealed through the comments and emails I receive.
Yes. I know.
Every marriage is unique with its own details, history, circumstances, plots and perplexities.
But today I want to talk about marriages where there are no huge struggles — except for sexual intimacy.
One spouse wants sex more often. The other spouse couldn’t care less about sex.
Maybe sex happens every now and then, but usually in these marriages, weeks or months will go by with no sex. Obligatory sex makes its appearance occasionally, just to keep the peace.
But eh, not always.
What then? Well, maybe you see your own marriage peek out from this sexual dynamic:
The refused spouse responds to the ongoing refusal by taking a practical approach. They logistically think that if they can just “win” their spouse over with good deeds and romantic gestures, the natural response from their disengaged spouse will be more sexual interest.
Sadly, that usually doesn’t happen.
So then the refused spouse tries to address the issue in a more direct way through conversations or questions about “what may be wrong” or “why don’t you want to have sex” and so forth.
This usually garners a bit of defensiveness from the spouse who is doing the refusing.
The spouse who doesn’t see sex as a priority starts to throw into the arena questions like “Is that all you think about?” and “It’s just about sex, isn’t it?”
A back-and-forth battle ensues. it’s intermittent, though, resulting in discouragement and anger, but rarely humility and hunger to draw close.
Classic passive aggressiveness from both sides may arrive on the scene too. Silent treatment. Manipulation. Withholding sex as a way to punish a spouse. Lack of respect. Sabotaging things that are important to one another.
The emotional chasm is like a sleeping giant just below the surface. It begins to define their new normal of little or no sex.
And then, if all of that doesn’t compel some positive change, they arrive at a crossroads.
I say “they,” but what I really mean is that one of them — the rejected spouse — has arrived at the crossroads. The spouse doing the refusing is oblivious that the crossroads is right beneath their feet (or right in the middle of their bed, as the case may be).
At this crossroads, the refused spouse makes a decision — to either shut down completely sexually (setting up unspoken emotional distance and boundaries at the same time) OR to begin begging for sex.
Shutting down. Or begging.
That’s usually the decision happening at the crossroads.
So, my question to you is, if the above scenario feels painfully and eerily familiar (like I’m literally describing what’s going on in your marriage right now), what is happening at that crossroads?
Is the refused spouse shutting down? Or are they begging for sex?
Those two options are not good. Like not good in a “huge red flag” sort of way.
None of us stands at an altar and imagines a day when we will shut down emotionally and physically to our spouse. Or a day when we will have to beg — literally beg — for sex.
These are hard hard things. I know.
You may be the spouse doing the refusing. Or you may be the spouse being refused.
Regardless, the status quo is unsustainable.
My hope is that somehow the two of you will move TOGETHER toward healing and strengthening your marriage, including your sexual intimacy. This blog post may just be your wake up call.
So, wake up. Please wake up.
“A year from now what will you wish you had done today?” — Liam Linisong
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This is very hard for me to speak about I’m engaged and me being the woman being refused don’t understand when I have done wrong to be refused. I would beg and complain about us not having sex. To the point it made me more mad. Saying to myself why am I begging for this man to love me touch me feel me. I would do everything and anything to please him in bed dress sexy and show him I wanted him. But it got to a point why is he not wanting me what is wrong with me. It’s made me very sad and very upsetting because I enjoy sex I enjoy the closeness and the bonding, but with him he doesn’t show me anything.. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I even tried to spice up the sex life by watching porn with him to at least get him in the mood and show me something.. but I am always the one to show and give affectation I don’t get it back… really need help …
I’ve been married going on 30 years. Most of the years have been with zero intimacy. As of now its been 3 months. I end up begging just to have her sleep in the middle of the bed. That’s a win for me , as long as I don’t touch. Advice to all , is to get it fixed fast. Living like this for 30 years is miserable , I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Its too late for me but maybe for some of you some research and counseling may keep it from stretching out this long. Trust me, buying her jewelry in order to get a hug or kiss is just as demoralizing and embarrassing as begging. Just more expensive.
This is exactly where I am right now. My husband and I (married 6 years) just went away for a weekend kid free getaway. We stayed a a cute bed and breakfast in a neighboring town and had a wonderful weekend…except it was without sex. I am constantly the partner that wants more sex. Right now, we hover around once every 1-2 months. I rely on masturbation just to get me through a day without shooting someone in the face. I’ve tried sending him sexy text messages in advance, giving him compliments, sending sexy pictures. I’ve asked him directly what he would like for me to do sexually (he says he does not know). I even bought a new sex toy for us to try together on our weekend get away. Nope. We didn’t even hug or kiss all weekend. I feel undesired and like a nuisance. I don’t know what else to do anymore.
To Michelle n Lauren, I am so sorry that your husband isn’t being as loving as he should be, I cannot fathom saying no to sex cuz you see I also am in a sexless marriage except I’m the husband, we are now roommates as she will not let me sleep with her in our bed, it went from once every 2 or 3 months to zero last seven years, from sleeping together to her sleeping with my head at her feet I know sounds wierd but she wouldn’t sleep on the same end with me now she’s asked me to sleep on couch or other bedroom, I guess what I’m trying to say is Please try to find out what is going on and the both of you fix it that means a lot of prayer and more prayer believe me when I tell you that you don’t want to end up like me, I know that Adam in earlier post mentioned it’s too late for him I personally don’t think so I believe that there is someone for everyone, but my point is you are both probably still young and beautiful ladies so at this point there are still options for you and for Adam however it comes down to a desicion, I chose to try and try and try with my wife unfortunately I’m still trying I feel like a train trying to go uphill and the wheels are losing tracktion so it’s going backwards as she won’t or can’t respond to me, I’ve imagined me driving away and by chance meeting someone who actually wants to hold my hand or sit with me maybe even cuddle I know sounds strange coming from a man but when a person is starving for affection he tends to dream of things he’s starving for, anyway I’m going off track I want to ask God to bless you both and Adam and your marriages and that he blesses your husbands so that their eyes open and they realize how beautiful you both are and his passion for you is reignited, I don’t want you to end up like me with only dreams left and a roommate who is rarely home, it is very very lonely at times maybe she just doesn’t want me no more I don’t know I’ve asked her and she says that she loves me but she also says that “she will cook n clean but she’s not that girl” ( for sex ) I don’t know what kind of love that is but it sure lonely on this end lol , I’m afraid that we all need to make a choice I thought I had chosen long ago but my choice seems to be killing my soul because it hurts SOO much and I don’t want that for any of you, and even though I’m older 50 there may be someone who has eyes for me that will help me feel like a man again I wish so much it was my wife, well anyway GodBless you all and I’m praying for you ?
I’m nearing 50 and I am the husband that does not need or want sex. Hormone problems. Also can not keep erection. Hormone replacement nearly killed me I was so sick. I tried Viagra and now have permanent vision problems due to elevated blood pressure and resulting pressure in eyes. Cialis does nothing. I really have not had much of a sex drive since late 30’s, early 40’s.
Not everybody likes sex. Not everybody can perform. People who used to like sex can develop medical issues and then sex becomes a turnoff and physically impossible.
What then?
Are people like this bad people? I don’t think so. The human body will fail everybody eventually. Some sooner than others. Also, everybody is not created with the same sexual desire or wants.
It is what it is. Sex is not everything folks. It’s not even at the center of everything or anything. The big problem I see is how the world has elevated sex to God status. It’s an idol. A false idol. Make somebody do what they don’t want to do or can’t do and you are putting the idol before them and God.
Joe, you bring up an interesting perspective. I am the wife of a very uninterested husband. He’s very loving, very supportive of my career goals, an AMAZING father, a great friend. We laugh all the time and tell each other stories about our day. We cook late into the night and celebrate each others wins. Everything is AWESOME, except we do not have sex as often as I want. We may get to 2-3 times a month. But mostly, it’s 0-1 times per week. I AM FRUSTRATED. I am looking for options where I can feel sexually satisfied. I have expressed many times my wants and desires. I even offered to be available to him to blow off steam after work when he comes home – a quicky to relieve tension. He’s never taken me up on it. I’m looking into sex toys and masturbation to help me stay sane and release my sexual energy.
I don’t believe sex is an idol; however, I do believe that husband and wives need to find a way to please each other. Otherwise, the neglected partner is vulnerable to outside forces.
I am not alone
I am a married christian man who loves his wife sooo much but I get refused 8 out of 10 times. There are times I had to beg profusely because the urge was literally ‘killing’ me. I have resorted to just driving to nowhere and she says I shouldn’t threaten her with that. I had to indulge in masturbation just to relieve myself but I feel guilty overtime I masturbate. I resorted to online flirting whenever I feel pressured and I know asking my wife for sex will be a NO. I feel a little less than a human being when I beg for sex and I am told NO. If I married and I can’t have enough sex, then why marry? This one thing is putting a lot of pressure between me and my wife. I don’t know if being horny leads to death but that seems to be the way out for me and I am out of options. I love her so much that it pains that I had to cheat on her.
I deal with this before we got married we used to always have sex but when we got married we rarely have it ?
I am a married wife who begs for love attention and sex from my husband it makes me feel horrible and unloved been married 20 years and together for 26 we are in our late 40s at least reading this kinda helps me out
I appreciate reading the comments as much if not more than the article because it tells me I am not alone. I am mid 40’s male, married for 9 years. My wife has fibromyalgia which makes physical touch unbearable much of the time. I can relate to Adam’s post above – begging just for some level of physical intimacy, even non-sexual. I do not want my wife to do anything that causes pain for her, but I sometimes think that she has shut down even trying for fear that it will hurt. We have recently started marriage counseling to help us address the problems. I want physical intimacy – both sexual and non-sexual – but for her both are painful which leaves me feeling unwanted and unloved. I am hopeful that we can work thru this to find solutions for both of us.
Unfortunately, it’s me that does all the begging. I would be lucky to get it twice in a month. It’s always excuses. When I confronted her and asked her about it, all I got was defensiveness from her. There are a few times I have voiced my frustration that she just screams at me that we can do it. Talk about intimacy!!! I HATE begging for it.
I want to start off by thanking all of you who have responded without all of you I would feel alone
sexual or non-sexual relationships all have two thing in common they all have Needs & Wants and we all receive love differently I myself believe it comes down to trust respect and validation I can only speak for myself and at one point in my past I thought I did Trust respect and validate and I could give numerous examples to my spouse so I knew I was being understood and that became the way I begged long story short cuz we all know not only did it not fix the problem it created more problems confusion and pain I started blaming myself to the point I questioned everything in life( AKA depression ) we all know how hard and damaging that is/ can be to our perception of life and reality and to think all that because our spouse doesn’t want to have sex with us and that’s true it is because of that but it’s the perception of the non-sexual is different than ours everyone can agree we’re all different so that’s where respect comes in just cuz we want sex and the other doesn’t want sex both are wants we both want to be trusted we both need our feelings validated so it takes both spouses to fix any differences and I mean any big or small relationship is a partnership a team to work together using each other’s strength to truthfully trust one another and I mean truthfully I truly can’t express that enough Trust is everything to lie in a relationship doesn’t just hurt it keeps problems from ever getting fixed properly and respectfully don’t rush it but don’t not do it you both must do your part for the both of you to move forward and live a respectful fulfilling life that both of you will agree on and I speak from experience it wasn’t easy but it was worth it through our journey of ups and downs it brought us closer and now I am truly proud to say we are both in an intimate sexual relationship with each other never get up on one another it’s so worth the fight to fight the fight for each other and all that we’ve been through we both are enjoying sex remember you must do something stop trying start doing. Thank you
Right after I submitted my comment I had this to say
I understand and respect that some people may not agree or even understand what I was trying to communicate to someone in need of help
Take your time don’t be hard on yourself try your hardest to be open minded with reasonable expectations
You may not feel or see your spouse doing their part we all apply ourselves differently keep that in mind
You can only fix you you cannot fix others you can just help be there for them as you would want them there for you
Pay attention to what you’re feeling get the validation from your heart
Remember your mind we’ll try to trick you for selfish reasons
Educate yourself on how to be a better you it will help you process more correctly
You must fix you first before you can help fix others
Learn from your mistakes
Don’t stop doing what’s right when you start to feel things are getting better keep bettering yourself it’ll be worth it
You got this for the both of you
I can relate to your story Kelly, I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore it’s been over 7 years without intamacy from my wife, I’m not a bad man I provide for her I do all the things that are expected from a husband I’m told I’m good looking I just don’t understand, initially she had told me she had been abused as a child and I understood and never pushed her into anything we went and still go to counciling together but I feel nothing from her, since over a year now she has asked me to leave our bedroom and sleep on sofa or other room she says she’s not comfortable with me, and now I’m to the point I just want to leave and be by myself because during the night when she thinks I’m sleeping shes relieving herself in our bedroom where I’m not wanted I’ve even walked in and saw her doing it, I don’t understand she says she can’t be with me but yet she does this almost every night!!! I’m tired I just want to leave…G
Brian
I like sex, I enjoy to see my wife touch me , kiss me and have great passionate sex ,but alas she never does ,I try to cuddle her. She says she wants to sleep, I am always home with her, cook for her, take her out for shopping , buy nice things for, humorous, always together but she’s not into sex. It’s killing me ,have tried to communicate about this to her but no change.
we met in our late 30s ,she would drive to see her ex in the neighboring country, and I always ask myself, was it the same way.
I feel unwanted, unloved, when we do have sex, I am told finish quickly say in 2 minutes
I f
My husband rarely initiates sex. We have been married for almost 5yrs. I have tried communication about our intimacy issues and it only leaves me feeling like I’m begging for sex. I feel like giving up. I’m tired!
I haven’t been with my wife in about 7-8 years her choice, and now she’s asked me to leave our bedroom that’s been about a year now I sleep on the couch or other room, she just doesn’t want me in any intamate way, and I really don’t understand is I’m not a bad man I provide n take care of her, and now well about it year now I wake up to this sound of heavy breathing n moaning at least 3times a week I’ve sneaked in and actually caught her relieving herself but I haven’t said anything yet, I’ve started to record her so that when she denies it I can play it back , my point is if she really doesn’t need sex like she says why is she doing this to me, granted I’m no cuppy doll but I’m not bad looking either I try to takecare of myself for her, oh n I haven’t stepped out on her either, some women have actually said I’m handsome, maybe someone out there can share some advice, I don’t know what to do anymore because I’m tired of this and what makes it worse that I’m 56 I’m getting up there in age I wonder does that mean I just need to shut up n take it now, cuz I really don’t think any women will be knocking down my door trying to get at me, maybe when I was young but not now, well anyway ThankYou for your time and for listening, please if anyone has some advice please let me know
Wow, it sure is nice–albeit very sad–to know there are a number of others whom are struggling with the same thing I am dealing with. While I both understand as well as respect what Joe said, I also have to say that individuals who either, cannot perform, or those whom do not wish to have an active sex life with their spouse, need to speak up. My wife and I are in our mid-30s–together for 10 years, married for 4–and we had so much activity and intimacy in our dating-years, I seriously neared my capacity for sex. Now we are down to approximately once every 10-20 days, as compared to ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that we were having sex every night, and most weekends included a minimum of one extra daytime session. I have attempted to speak with my wife, on countless occasions and inform her of my needs, as well I ask of her needs. All I have requested is some form of her showing an interest in me–i.e. Foreplay! and I want it to go both ways, as I love giving her oral but she won’t let me. When we dated, she would give me oral every time we had sex, now it’s MAYBE once in a two-month stretch, not to forget that she shows absolutely no interest in that one sacred time, and it lasts a maximum of two minutes. I have begun to look down upon myself, and I constantly consider the idea that she simply does not want me, sexually. She claims that she loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me; yet she shows me everything but those things. We have most-certainly relegated to roommate status, with an occasional ‘high-school-esque’ sexual encounter. I have been a loyal, God-fearing husband, albeit not without my own faults, but I think I have reached the point where I can identify the writing on the wall–our flame has turned to smoke rings in the dark. Good luck with each and every one of your struggles and God bless each and every one of you, hopefully someday each of us will meet a partner with the same sexual desires we possess.
Best Regards,
-agreenmonster
I’m 28 years old and have been married for 6 years. We first attempted sex on our honeymoon but realized my wife had severe pain to the point we weren’t able to have sex. After a few months (both eager to have sex) we started trying different positions that was comfortable for the both of us. We managed to find a couple positions suitable to have sex. We would have sex at least 3-5 times per week the first year of marriage (mostly initiated by me) but I noticed she quickly began losing interest in sex. Today I feel foolish asking her for sex 1-2 times per month. And when we do have sex, most of the times she lays there quietly, making me feel even more foolish asking her to “fake” enjoy the sex. Sometimes I feel rejected or think Something is wrong with me for always thinking about sex. For the past few months I’ve been resorting to masterbating every day to releave my sexual desire, but then I feel guilty… I believe this situation has caused me to be many times passive aggressive by losing respect or even ignoring. Sometimes I try to withhold sex from her hoping to trigger a desire on her behalf, but unfortunately this almost always goes unnoticed. On days she is on her period I try “begging” for oral sex. After being refused I “beg” for a hand job only for her to also refuse… many times this is very frustrating & I don’t know what to do. My wife says her new medication makes her have ZERO sexual desire… I need help.. Any advice would be appreciated.
David I feel your pain. I’ve only been married 18 mos. And I always want sex. He works long hours and I understand that. I am 40 and he is 43. He used to give it to me everyday and I craved it. He always only would give it to me at night so I would have to wait all through the day to get it . Now I am lucky to get laid once a month. Now I know why his ex cheated! I have talked to him about it and he’s always too tired or worn out. That’s not an excuse anymore for me. I get myself off at least once a day but I need someone to touch me or penetrate me. I’m about to lost my mind!
Thank you all you have all spoken my mind. Am confused as anything. Just do not know what to do..
Wow makes me want to move to Florida
It’s nice to at least know I’m not the only one going through this. He masturbates regularly to porn and it makes me feel invisible and demoralized for continuing to want him. We used to make love every night but now it’s like I don’t even exist. He doesn’t seem to be bothered when guys, even his friends, flirt with me and tell me how pretty I am but of course I only want him, would never ever step out on him. I need to make a better decision for my future and my sanity. No, sex isn’t everything but it CAN make things better
If you are married to someone who needs sex and you refuse to give it to them you should release them and end the relationship. Sex may not be everything but it’s a big part in a relationship. Don’t hold your spouse hostage by refusing sex. Besides if you do then don’t be surprised when they look for sex elsewhere.
I am 31 and have been in a sexless marriage for the past 2 years 8 months 3 days we have been married for 3 and a half years. I need to feel like a woman. I want to be desired by my husband. Other men have shown and consistently show sexual interest in me despite my weight gain but my husband does not. He doesn’t even want to sleep in bed with me platonically. I beg him to just come to bed. No sex no cuddle just sleep in bed with me. I am so broken and torn. I love the idea of what my husband used to be like. I feel like I’m living a nightmare. He is interested sexually as he masturbates daily to porn. But his porn is always geared to white, Hispanic or Indian women. I’m a black woman. I was so sad and frustrated I sent him a long text asking why don’t we have sex. Are you cheating, am I fat, do I smell bad. My God I just want to know if I should cut my losses and move on.
I like to share my story, I met my husband for 13 years and married for 9 now. We haven’t have sex on any of our holidays or wedding day or honeymoon. I try to engage the sex and I told him it is very important for a marriage and it can create bonding and closeness for each other, and I told our marriage will not be good if we don’t have a good sex life, and we never really have aex even after we married, we may only have less than 15 times…. I try talk, tease him, I told him I don’t know if u love me or not, I said I will feel more sad and frustrated . On top of that he have couple times of emotional cheating that made me totally lost my confidence in my marriages and I start looping the patterns and no sex at all until to he point I totally fedup. I try make up many times I try talk to him once a in a while and he promised and never delivered, it made me a miserable marriage, and in 2015 I try to ask him again, on my birthday he told me he don’t know if love me anymore and I totally breakdown and I’m so sad and mad for thinking who iam really to him. Now he is gone for fee mi tha leave everything behind and want to restart his life. And left me all things in the house to handle. I’m devastating for all these abandonment, passive aggressive behavior, and neglect my feelings and he turn around and said i never worry about him, and I pour my heart and soul in this marriage work hard, be to a good wife, love him care him the most, try to sexually please my husband, support him, and he turn around and saying all negative things in me and blame me, I’m became a crazy woman. I really need professional help.
I have been married for 27 years and my wife has hated sex for nearly 25 years. Marriage is a two way street and after 20 years of near celibacy I had an affair with a close friend – I do not feel guilty as my wife has not fulfilled her wedding vows to me
There are lots of valid reasons but at the end of the day , sexual desire is natural and healthy – the lack of it is very stressful and heartbreaking.
Last yearI had a nervous breakdown – a key reason for this was my inability to release my sexual tension and the fact that I had ‘cheated’ on my marriage (not on my wife – important distinction). If you are the one withholding sex, think carefully about what you are doing to the one you supposedly love
I consider myself lucky in a sense. My husband and I have been together four years, married two. late 40’s and we have great sex. He has just taken it to a level I cannot handle. Constantly groping my breasts, grabbing my butt. I cant do anything without a sex comment. I cant simply take a shower without him cornering me. When we are just talking and I bend down or whatever, he starts in on the comments. Its not just comments, he will start stroking himself and then want me to just be on the same page immediately. He wakes me up every morning to tell me he is aroused then wants to jack off on me and he does. It has come to a point that I feel disrespected and when I say no i feel guilty and when i give in its not a happy moment for me. Hes always happy and never thinks twice about what state of mind he has left me in. He gets home and its starts all over again until he gets his way. I actually dont even like to sleep next to him anymore because it is constant. I feel harassed in my own home. My mom says to just enjoy it while he still can. I understand that yet why cant there be a happy medium????
There have been a few times he had to wait but never more than a week. When those times happenned its because I was sick. He will complain that its been two weeks after four days. This doesnt make me want him. Im frustrated and lately just dont even want any part but I do just to make him shut up. Right after we have sex he can talk to me like a human being. By then I am angry and no longer want to have a conversation with him. I just want to get away from him. I cant do yoga while he is home. I cant stretch. I cant let him rub my feet anymore because I get relaxeed and then before no time he pulls it out and starts rubbing and begging. Where is this mans restraint? Sure he loves me. I love him so much when we have a buffer around like his kids or my kids, company, phone calls. Why be pushy about sex when your not deprived at all?
All these men and women that tolerate years of no sex and I am complaing. I know its difficult to understand. Balance in life is what I am craving! I just want to relax and have sex when it feels right.
There are so many times when we are just talking and I am so attracted to him but he never lets me come to him. He is on it 24/7. If I give him even the slightest notion that I want him, he takes over and its over. He gets what he wants, Im just not sure he knows what he is getting as an end result.
I am getting more and more distant and turned off.
I certainly would not want to bein a sexless marriage, that would drive me nutty, however, I do know from experience that when I start wanting something so bad and dwell on it. I get irrational and sabbotage myself with detructive behavior.
maybe he is pushing so hard that I cant breathe or think straight. Maybe I am pushing away so hard that he cannot see or think straight.
Thanks for letting me chat!
There is a good person out there for you Sn . Someone who can really appreciate all you have to give and reciprocate. God bless all of you. You were not meant to suffer in this way. Life is full of all kinds of suffering, but suffering emotional neglect or abuse from your spouse is not something Good wants for us. I hope you all find a trustworthy lover who will gives as much as they get, and get on with your sexual healing so you can get on with the rest of your lives. I’m hoping for the same for myself.
I can tell you one thing… I’ve had it… Same conversation with Her for 12 years… This is nonsense… I will cheat and I hope I very caught!!!
Don’t even know where to start but this main article hit home for me I’m a 28 year old male and wife(38) gets pissed anytime I try n bring sex up its definitely hurting and building resentment with me I can’t even be a good father or husband anymore cause I’m sad and stressed out its like my wife doesn’t even care for my existence we use to have sex all he time toll recently about another ago she started trying to tell me she’s never gonna have sex with me again I’m getting tired of hearing that let alone the way it makes me feel hearing that
So my husband and I are newlyweds. We believe to stay virgins until we are married. That is what we did, however…… my husband hasn’t always been the most chase. The girl he had dated before me use to cuddle with him naked, no sex. They would do this often and he felt like he should stop and broke up with her. A year later he had met me. With my previous sexual issues, I was sexually abused when I was a child. I have also dealt with weight problems as well. When we were dating he wasn’t the most affectionate person. And after a while he just stopped giving me any sort of affection. I would be the one to always do it. Well when we got married, he thought he would want to have sex with me all the time. You would think because we just got married he would want too, but no. I want to be physical intimate with him and he rejects me all the time. When I talked to him about it, he just told me to just find a way to turn myself on and him too. To be completely honest I just feel like that is placing all of the responsibility on me and it’s selfish. It is hard enough for me to reach out and ask because of my horrible experience in the past and how I look. So I try…… but he rejects me over and over again. I have tried so many things…. and I just feel fat, ugly and unloved. Sometimes I think I made a mistake some days because, I never had to fight this hard with anyone before to show me any sign of affection. And today we haven’t had sex for a over a month. I am getting really tired of this. His excuses are that is tired, but then goes and plays video games until 1am and gets up for work. People say the first year is the hardest….. but I don’t know. I am tired to crying by myself.
-T
I am a 34 year old wife. Weve been married 4 years and we make love maybe once a month. And I have to beg to get that. He never initiated anymore like he did when we first got together. I understand that things sometimes change. There’s kids, bills, work,etc that stress a man out. But I seriously have to ask sometime for 2-3 weeks before he finally “gives in”. And it really makes me feel like that’s exactly what he is doing, giving in. He’s a great husband and father. But when it comes to us, I feel like we are on the bottom of the list. I have to ask him to take me on a date. I have to ask for sexy. It leaves me feeling completely unwanted, not desirable. I’ve tried waiting it out to see if he will initiate but if I do that it will be close to 3-4 months before he will. I really don’t know what to do anymore. He always says it’s not me, says his sex drive is low and it just isn’t that important to him. I feel like an idiot half the time. I feel like a child that is repeatedly asking a parent a question. Makes me feel small.
Darcy, what you have described is akin to sexual harassment and sexual assault. He is not giving you any space to just be a person. He sees you as a constant source of pleasure and if you keep on caving in, you are not being true to yourself. You are just keeping the peace while he walks around with a perpetual erection. Where’s the respect? For you from him? For yourself?
Call me judgemental but I see it as I see it. Harassment and assault. Life for him is one big fat double-entendre. Even wearing a burqa won’t protect you. I left a man just like him because I couldn’t even go to the toilet without him wanting to ‘cop a feel.’
You are too good for him.
Of all the comments I have read, yours has made me both angry and sad.
I love my wife and am truly obsessed with her and her happiness. When we were dating, she couldn’t keep her hands off of me and wanted me at the slightest touch. We moved in together and things stayed about the same. Lots of passion and loving. She would always tell me how hot I am to her and reassure me and acknowledge me. Now, we ha e been married two years and have a wonderful son who is 1. I know that being a parent is exhausting because I am the stay at home parent who works from home at my job while raising our son. I am 42 and she is 35 and we are dual military. I do my best to stay fit and strong and keep looking on point for her. I spoil her with more affection than I knew I had in me. And we both do our best to hold and reassure each other of our feelings and love. I love treating her like a queen. It makes me happy to see her feel like royalty.
But what kills my spirit at times is when I do everything in my repertoire of patience, skills and love to make her feel sex and attractive with no acknowledgement or intimate contact reciprocated.
It hurts when she tells me not now because we don’t have time when she is in her smart phone chatting or Facebook. We both know parenting is exhausting and she is a soldier so I know firsthand how difficult it can be. I do my best to support her emotionally and verbally with everything I have. But it kills me that when we do make love. She makes comments like ok go ahead or she is giving into my wishes when in fact, she was the one begging me for it just a year ago.
We have talked about it and I have talked with my counselor who reassures me that children change a women’s libido and drive. But my love language is touch and physical contact. I can’t deny who I am as I did in my first marriage. She knew what lie beneath and I held nothing back.
My heart and soul belong to my other half. Make no mistake. But I want my wife to look at me the same and want me as I want her.
I understand unknown we have been married over 30 years, at first intamacy was maybe once a month, now we haven’t touched in over seven years, we don’t sleep together cuz she says she’s not comfortable with me there, so I sleep on sofa or other bedroom, we are now roommates little over a year, and what hurts even more is when I get up to pee at night I can hear her as if she’s touching herself, I don’t understand if she wanted sex all she needs to do is ask, I’m afraid to ask what is going on she gets really rude and defensive, sometimes I think she doesn’t want me, well to unknown I am sorry to you and wish we could talk
I have been single for over ten years because I am indifferent to sex. Whether is the meds I have to take or that fact that simply am not interested in sex at all, I have the best solution. Stay single. I don’t have partnered female friends because my singularity seems to be a tacit criticism of their choice to be in a sexual relationship. I avoid people who crave sex or relationships because, mostly, they think I have no heart. Women can sometimes be envious of my need for solitude. I don’t even masturbate. Don’t feel the need. But I am happy and that pisses some people off.
I have a heart. I just have no libido and I wouldn’t put a man in a position where he feels guilty for wanting sex.
Begging is a turn-off. Sexual innuendo is a bigger turn-off. The idea of someone just sleeping and breathing in my bed makes me fume. Sometimes I wish for romance but without the sex. That rarely occurs.
That said, I am keeping myself attractive in my ’50s because I have a feeling this might all change and it won’t be because ‘the right person’ will come along. It will be because I want to be in a relationship.
Being single has so many more benefits than being partnered. Within a week of my last relationship I felt suffocated and after six weeks he ended it because he found my lack of neediness to be a challenge.
The crunch came when I called him and could hear merriment in the background. On asking where he was, and him saying he was in a strip club, I said “Well, just have a shower before we meet again. I don’t like the smell of other women’s sweat and perfume. He was like WTF?????????????
So yeah, call me a heartless, unfeeling, humourless, androgynous b****.
I understand.
My answer is just to be faithful to God and His word, pray, and suffer faithfully in the marriage even if it is the rest of my life. Heaven is not worth losing.
I am not married but been with my partner for 2 years. I am 22 he is 26, we use to have amazing sex! It was hot and heavy and full of intimacy, we both enjoyed every minute of it. Now it seems I’m the only one who initiates it and 90% of the time I’m refused. I try so many things to turn him on and get his attention, none of it does anything. It’s ljke he’s not even attracted to me anymore. I’m young I don’t think I’m ugly or unattractive, but he is definitely making me feel that way. I know I use to please him in bed why won’t he let me anymore?he watches porn often I see it on his phone, why resort to that when he has someone that is wanting his affection laying right next to him. I make it known how much I need and want him but it’s like I don’t even turn him on anymore. It’s honestly to the point i feel ugly unwanted and just unhappy. What do I do.
It’s so depressing to see that so many people are in the same boat. I’ve been married to my wife now for 10 year and with her for 14. We are both 33 and healthy with 2 children. In the beginning sex was a nightly activity that we both knew was going to be there. Initiation was 50/50. Obviously it slowed down after a year to about 2-3 times a week but initiation was still 50/50. It didn’t slow down once we were married. Sex was still good and often until about a year after my 2nd was born. It slowed to about 5-6 times/ month. Initiation slowly started to creep up on my part. Now we are in the present. She has zero interest in sex. Shows me no affection whatsoever. If we have sex more than once in a month, that’s a lot. And it’s always me who initiates. I am constantly rejected, and often times quite harshly. I have to beg for sex, and often times for more than a week before she finally gives in. She only participates in sex maybe 1 out of 10 times, otherwise it’s “hurry up and do what you need to do”. It’s so embarrassing to beg for something that I need. I am a good husband, I bring in a good income and I always try to meet my wife’s needs and desires. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much to be rejected time and time again. She has recently been making me feel guilty for asking for it. I’m putting too much pressure on her when life already puts enough pressure on her. But of course if I shut down and don’t ask for a while I get questioned about if I’m cheating because I haven’t asked in a while. I’m so frustrated and at my wits end.
i have given up initiating. and I’m shutting down. I feel like she’s not into me and I’m so depressed inside.
I’m the refused. I’ve tried everything. I’ve both shut down, and I’ve begged. I’ve been pretty clear with what I wanted and he still doesn’t want me. He’s had cyber Affairs and I’m not even sure that he hasn’t had physical Affairs I don’t even know anymore what he’s had but it’s not me. It never is me I never a choice ever. The humiliation is so overwhelming and hurtful and anger overwhelms me. I try to be Godly but it’s so hard because I know he’s not so how can I possibly say something when I don’t really truly even trust him? We’ve tried counseling before and this argument has been the same argument for 20 years. He always promises to change. We’ve gone years without any sex at all. I’m amazed that we actually even have any children which came about the few times that I can count on one hand. I laugh when people complain about getting it once a week or even once a year. I’m not sure how anyone can complain at all that that sexless. Try yours try having your husband not even want to look at you. I don’t think that I’m any more unattractive then say someone like Donald Trump or a meth head or somebody like that and they were able to secure some sort of sexual satisfaction. I feel robbed, disgusted, and pretty low that I have had to resort to begging and still he refuses me right to my face. I’m pretty sure that no matter what I’ve done in my life I don’t deserve this. He tries to tell me that I’m unapproachable but I guess after so many rejections you get to a point where you get real sick of it. I’ve tried dressing up I’ve tried dressing down I’ve tried makeup I’ve tried less makeup I have tried dressing up sexy I tried dressing less sexy I’ve tried putting on nightgowns and lingerie I’ve tried just full outright being nude believe me I’ve tried it all and he still just says no. Trying to get him to come to me is never going to happen and the one time he ever did it was unsuccessful and he never lets me live that one time down, but keep in mind the one time he did actually come up to me it was after 6 days straight of begging everyday and crying to him and he finally made a promise that he would come to me but he could not complete the task. I thought maybe he had low testosterone or something but he refuses to get tested for that denying that there’s any problem. He must be addicted to pornography or maybe he’s just a low life cheating bastard I don’t know or maybe he just likes to hurt me. I don’t really know what the problem is but he does not obviously love me enough like he says he does and really I don’t believe a damn word he says cuz he’s taken it upon himself to lie to me so long. So much for loving me and honoring me and cherishing me and keeping promises. I feel pathetic and I feel like if he doesn’t get his s*** together the divorce is going to have to happen, it’s just that I’ve been somewhat financially dependent on him and we do have children that I’ve been trying to raise, but I feel like at this point I don’t know what is worse, staying together for the sake of the kids and letting them see this s*** or leaving and being homeless. I’m so resentful and I hate everything about our marriage and everything is becoming more and more irritating even the small stuff. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time on nothing and all we are is roommate at this point. If I wanted a roommate I could have somebody that could live a parallel life to me and annoy me so much less. I really did not get married in tied to somebody so that way they could be like everybody else. I thought marriage was supposed to be somebody that you were in an intimate relationship with that you love and that you wanted to be with that way and that sex was supposed to connect you that one way that you are not with everybody else. Boy was I ever wrong. Sometimes I wish I could just go have an affair, but two wrongs don’t make a right and I don’t want to do the wrong thing that I am so sexually frustrated and unsatisfied it is pathetic.
Hi everyone,
I have been married to my wife for almost 3 years now, and we have a 15 month old baby now. Here is my situation regarding intimacy issues in as few words as I can say: we had great sex leading up to the birth of our baby last year. In the last trimester it got trickier of course but we persevered. I have always been the one with the higher sex drive, even though she had a period of about 4-5 years after her first marriage where the bulk of her relationships were sex driven.
But sex never really became a huge relationship issue until after our baby was born . I admit the second my wife told me the doctor ok’d her to have sex, I practically jumped at the opportunity (maybe 6-7 weeks after the baby was born). And this is where the problems started. I didn’t realize until several months later that I was too pushy with sex in the beginning after the baby was born. I tried my best to go slow and be sensitive to her requests to stop or not go so deep. However, it was honestly very difficult to stop once we were midway each time. She would oftentimes say things like “this doesn’t feel good, I can’t wait for you to stop.” And to the point that she felt she was getting raped since it felt so uncomfortable. Our sex life felt highjacked since I was trying to ease back into normalcy and she was shying away from me. We were probably having sex 1-2 times per week, and this went on for several months. It wasn’t until we were on vacation a few months ago that we finally got serious about this. She admitted that she felt taken advantage of and sometimes even raped. I’m a nice guy, and have always been respectful of my wife’s needs, but I honestly admit I did get out of hand with sex. This deeply hurt to hear she felt this way and I sincerely still feel bad about it . It has been 3 months since we had these difficult discussions, and I still feel like our sex life has not improved at all. I have tried my best to not ask for sex much at all, and I ave focused much more on being a better husband in other ways and a better father to our son. My wife says she appreciates all this, but she still cannot get the negative images out of her head of me taking advantage of her sexually after our baby was born. I know I messed up several times, but I honestly don’t see it as severe as my wife describes it. It just seems like we had a difficult time getting our sex life back to normal after the baby. Although I admit I went about sex in some bad ways (asking too much, not going as slow as my wife wanted at times, and finishing after she told me it didn’t feel good and she felt used). But now my wife doesn’t feel any sexual attraction to me because of how I went about sex after the baby.
Can anyone relate to me in this situation? I love my wife deeply and want to fix this situation as best as I can. We have a wonderful marriage otherwise. Thanks!
I have been married for only 8 months. I got pregnant in jan. But we lost our baby girl at 17 weeks. Since then my husband hardly ever initiates but I know he is watching porn way more than we have sex. He told me all I think about sex. I will accept twice a week but would love more. It has now been 2 weeks without sex and he says he doesnt want it as much as I do. He swears he isnt depressed and he doesnt act like it but Im depressed. I just want to feel wanted. We are newlyweds! This shouldnt be happening. All past relationships, the men always had higher sex drives. Then I marry the guy who could go weeks without. And he wants to have kids still. How am I supposed to get pregnant if he never wants sex. I feel lost, unwanted, ugly, the list goes on and on. Maybe we shouldnt have kids. Maybe this marriage is doomed. We are only 38. I just dont see how I can go the rest of my good years like this! I have never felt this depressed. Help!
T, you are an idiot, you have destroyed your wife’s trust in you because you couldn’t control your urges. All you’ve done is show your wife she doesn’t matter, her feelings don’t matter, the fact she’s a new mother to YOUR child, doesn’t matter. All she is, is a body for your sexual gratification. Trust and sex go hand in hand for women, they need to feel safe and loved to enjoy it and you ruined for your wife. You have no idea what a woman goes though emotionally and hormonally after giving birth, and you hurt her deeply. Now you are trying to minimize it, your wife should have been treated like a queen, YOUR queen, after having your child, you should have been patient, loving, supportive, but instead you were selfish and only cared about your own needs. I realize men need sex far more than women, but for the love of God, give her time to adjust to being a Mom, I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
One commenter said, “making someone do what they don’t want to do…”(sex) yep, that is EXACTLY what he doing to his wife. Making her do something she doesn’t want to do (go without sex).
If the ‘equipment ‘ won’t work, the brain and the will still do. There is a lot more to sex than a penis—creativity, variety, effort, meeting your spouse’s needs. Any spouse who demands having it “their way” all the time is selfish. End of story.
To everyone on this site I have been going through the same things that everyone here goes through I have been married 40 years I feel like an idiot always begging and get no where last time I had it. It was like really bad like it’s a job or a task.
I’m finished. I can’t keep doing this.
I don’t know what to do my husband normally has the high sex drive and I am the one who always telling him to leave me alone. But lately he has been working overtime and not wanting sex I normally have a decent appetite of 3 times a week my husband would love 3 times a day. But now I am on new meds that gave me a new higher libido and now my husband never wants to have sex unless it’s oral or the rare occasion I don’t want have sex and if so it’s literally a 5min quickie and I’m left even more frustrated than when we started. I’m in my thirties and He’s forty. I’m tired of feeling used and unwanted and I don’t know what to do.
Lost Alley Cat
My husband and I have been married 16 years. And I am so so tired of this broken record…the one where I am begging for the one thing that should come natural, in fact it’s biblical. I’ve been thru every one of these scenarios discussed in the previous comments. I would joke to keep from crying and call our sex life quarterly taxes cause it would happen about 1 time every 4 months. After 7 years I cornered him & he finally gave me an answer…1st it was he was addicted to porn…well that doesn’t make sense because our quarterly taxes were BASIC…BORING…A+B=C EVERY TIME!! His rule not mine. Ok so 7 more miserable years roll by and I cornered him this time he needs medication…ok almost 2 years later and the original prescription still has 20 something original pills!!!🙄🤬 All this being said and a lot more not…resentment is my new middle name and I am tired of hoping this butthole is gonna want me tomorrow. He has broken me!
I have been made to beg for sex not literally for far too long, I feel belittled and weak as a man when all I want to do is make love to the woman I love.
I’m so done, I will find me someone who will understand my situation and share intimacy with, period.
We live once and can let this pleasure of life pass me buy.
And guys let’s not beat about the bush, if a man or a woman doesn’t want your touch get someone who will appreciate you otherwise you’ll be miserable in this all ready miserable life.
Thanks