marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
Is Your Spouse Begging for Sex?
Oct
As someone who blogs about sex, I see common storylines revealed through the comments and emails I receive.
Yes. I know.
Every marriage is unique with its own details, history, circumstances, plots and perplexities.
But today I want to talk about marriages where there are no huge struggles — except for sexual intimacy.
One spouse wants sex more often. The other spouse couldn’t care less about sex.
Maybe sex happens every now and then, but usually in these marriages, weeks or months will go by with no sex. Obligatory sex makes its appearance occasionally, just to keep the peace.
But eh, not always.
What then? Well, maybe you see your own marriage peek out from this sexual dynamic:
The refused spouse responds to the ongoing refusal by taking a practical approach. They logistically think that if they can just “win” their spouse over with good deeds and romantic gestures, the natural response from their disengaged spouse will be more sexual interest.
Sadly, that usually doesn’t happen.
So then the refused spouse tries to address the issue in a more direct way through conversations or questions about “what may be wrong” or “why don’t you want to have sex” and so forth.
This usually garners a bit of defensiveness from the spouse who is doing the refusing.
The spouse who doesn’t see sex as a priority starts to throw into the arena questions like “Is that all you think about?” and “It’s just about sex, isn’t it?”
A back-and-forth battle ensues. it’s intermittent, though, resulting in discouragement and anger, but rarely humility and hunger to draw close.
Classic passive aggressiveness from both sides may arrive on the scene too. Silent treatment. Manipulation. Withholding sex as a way to punish a spouse. Lack of respect. Sabotaging things that are important to one another.
The emotional chasm is like a sleeping giant just below the surface. It begins to define their new normal of little or no sex.
And then, if all of that doesn’t compel some positive change, they arrive at a crossroads.
I say “they,” but what I really mean is that one of them — the rejected spouse — has arrived at the crossroads. The spouse doing the refusing is oblivious that the crossroads is right beneath their feet (or right in the middle of their bed, as the case may be).
At this crossroads, the refused spouse makes a decision — to either shut down completely sexually (setting up unspoken emotional distance and boundaries at the same time) OR to begin begging for sex.
Shutting down. Or begging.
That’s usually the decision happening at the crossroads.
So, my question to you is, if the above scenario feels painfully and eerily familiar (like I’m literally describing what’s going on in your marriage right now), what is happening at that crossroads?
Is the refused spouse shutting down? Or are they begging for sex?
Those two options are not good. Like not good in a “huge red flag” sort of way.
None of us stands at an altar and imagines a day when we will shut down emotionally and physically to our spouse. Or a day when we will have to beg — literally beg — for sex.
These are hard hard things. I know.
You may be the spouse doing the refusing. Or you may be the spouse being refused.
Regardless, the status quo is unsustainable.
My hope is that somehow the two of you will move TOGETHER toward healing and strengthening your marriage, including your sexual intimacy. This blog post may just be your wake up call.
So, wake up. Please wake up.
“A year from now what will you wish you had done today?” — Liam Linisong
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Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
I’m the refused spouse and I’ve shut down. I’m not going to beg for sex from a man who is obviously not attracted to me in that way. He says he loves me, but how can he? I get the obligatory pity sex about once a week, but anymore, I don’t even feel. It doesn’t matter. I’ve resigned myself that feeling unattractive and unworthy of his love is my lot in life.
Let me say as someone who has walked this painful road please PLEASE don’t let it get to this point. To simplify 24 yrs down…we had compounding issues we weren’t working on with life’s stresses on top. It was tough home life. I was the refuser because I felt justified in not wanting to be with someone when I was exhausted/stressed and he was angry all the time. He was angry I was pushing our love life aside for stress. Vicious circle. My husband eventually shut down and a shut down spouse doesn’t make good decisions. They feel rejected and unloved. He found the attention he needed from me elsewhere. I found out three weeks ago he had been having an online emotional affair with a woman for four months. It was devastating. I confronted the other woman and told her it was done. My husband broke down in total remorse. Shame over his awful choice was evident.
And I don’t justify his actions or feel his horrible choice was all my fault. I did play a part in it though. I pushed him away. (Plus all the other problems we had that were two sided too…like he had anger issues and I was a controlling non submissive wife but that’s another topic) God did not intend for spouses to deny each other. Bible is pretty clear on that. I sinned too.
So through two straight days of no sleep, tears, yelling and awful, raw, ugly truths shared with each other….we realized we wanted to fight for our marriage. We were not going to let devil destroy us anymore. We prayed together and God’s unconditional love filled my heart. I felt God’s compassion for the shame and hurt my husband was experiencing. It became my compassion for him too. And in that moment God miraculously healed my wounded heart. Literal instant healing. I can’t begin to explain it to anyone. The pain was just gone. Makes me cry happy tears every time I say it. My Father loves us that much! (Side note: the healing pain doesn’t mean I forgot what happened or let him off the proverbial hook. It means that I was able to forgive my husband in that moment and that quickly after it happened so that we could move forward toward fixing ourselves. I truly believe without God’s healing we’d be walking thru divorce right now and God knew that. His mercy was with us because we believe He has a plan in this.)
So the good news is God be praised our marriage has been saved! God has worked a miracle in us thru this. It can ONLY be God to have changed us so radically in three short weeks. All our raw emotions, problems and baggage is all out there now and the healing is happening. We avoided so much and now no longer do. We have seen Godly counseling twice weekly and are in such a better place. Still work ahead but we are excited to do it together. The change in me has been radical. Everyone who knows me keeps saying, “You are so different. So happy and alive! How can you be so happy going thru this?!” And that has been my open door to share Gods love to many unbelievers, other broken couples and even Godly people who don’t believe God can work like that. Oh but I’m here to say He does! God is using this for His good!!! Hallelujah!
I’m not ashamed to say either that our sex life now is amazing!! God gave me burning desire for my husband and I gladly engage him daily for sex now. I want it as much as he does. It’s such a change and soooo worth it! I WAS missing out! Sex is so much more than the act. It is God’s pure love given to you thru your spouse. It is the most sacred, private moment with your spouse. No one should be missing out on this! It is the coming together of your one flesh union and filling your love tank so full the devil has no place to get at either of you. So to anyone refusing may I suggest asking yourself if whatever is bugging you worth giving the devil more of a foothold in your marriage? Because he’s already there and working. Don’t give him more ammo. Is it something that tou need to seek a doctor about? Go! Call today and go. Is it something that needs a good talking out or counseling to work through? If so PLEASE invest the time in working it out now before you go thru what we did. Broken trust is hard to work thru. It will always be a blip in back of my mind. Yes God healed my pain but the cold truth will always be in my mind. To keep my flesh controlled and be lead rather by my Spirit on it will always be a work I have to do. So I ask you to consider would you rather work through your current issues or let those issues keep escalating like we did until you have to walk the ugly road we did. Let me say dear sibling in Christ…don’t wait…nothing is too big or impossible for God to fix in your marriage. Nothing.
I am praying for anyone who reads this that God would prevail in your hearts and you decide to fight for your marriage too. It’s hard work but can be such a rich treasure to do that work together. It is WORTH the work. I also pray God will be glorified in your circumstances too so you can share His goodness and help others too!
Our marriage has been renewed! God is so good! Praise His name!
Ps – Thank you so much for your blog! It has been an TREMENDOUS help to me in the last three weeks. Love to you for sharing so openly.
I’m the refused one I have decided to leave her
Given up. I love my wife more than anything but I read this article and couldn’t help but think: this is my life. No matter what I do, it never sparks any interest from her. Frequency is less than 10 times per year and half of those are due to her feeling guilty. I just want her to want me but she never does.
I’m the refused one, and I shutdown almost 2 years ago. After over 2 decades of 4-5 times a year (and thats a really good year), and the arguments, I finally gave up. The last straw was in our last argument, I told her I thought it was normal if a 22 year old man and 20 year old woman to not only have sex once a week, but sometimes twice a week. Those were our ages when we got married (and we had sex 3 times in 3 years). She gave me a gross look and said, “If you thought I was going to let you ride me like some pervert, you were out of your mind.” In other words, desiring sex once a week, at 20 years old, is being a pervert. Never mind what a mid-forties man desiring at least once every 2 weeks.
I decided then and there I will never ask her again. If she asked, I would fulfill my duty, and thats it – but she hasn’t in nearly 2 years, nor even asked if something was up or anything. Not one word.
Funny thing is, she’s been for 2 minor surgical procedures, and each time they ask her if she’s pregnant. Once I had to stop myself from laughing, the other time I spat out and had to quickly change what I was going to say to:, “Hard to get pregnant….. when I’ve had a vasectomy”. Oh man the eye daggers I got.
I just don’t care anymore. We’ve been to counseling 3 times, and each time I get humiliated by her words about what pigs men are (and by implication, me), how she doesn’t care, its not the way she is, its not big deal. Oh, and she insults the counselers too: “Of course you think that, you’re a man!” or if its a woman, “It doesn’t matter what you think, you’re not me!”
Its really funny how she’s gotten several books on “drifting apart” – I’ve read them, and they all include chapters on sex (guess she skips those parts). I just want to scream at her that the reason I’m drifting apart is that sex, for 25 years, is held with no importance. We go for months and years without it, and I hear how busy and tired and unimportant she holds it, yet she always has time for everything and everyone else.
And its not just sex, either. Any kind of intimate touches or feelings are ignored as well. The only time we kiss is hello in the evening, goodbye in the morning, and goodnight. And most of the time not even then – and its always ME initiating it. If I didn’t go to find HER and give HER the kiss, it wouldn’t happen. How do I know? I once didn’t do it for 2 weeks – and we never kissed in that time.
Well, I’m done. Right now I choose to be cordial and polite. I meet whatever needs she asks for. But soon, I’m close to leaving the bedroom and sleeping elsewhere. And when the youngest moves out, so do I.
Thanks so much for this, it explains the issue perfectly.
And yes, marriages do end for “no other reason” but a lack of sex.
Hi, Julie…first, I should say that I came here on Paul Byerly’s recommendation, and second, that I am a “fellow marriage blogger”, though currently with a focus on helping the caregiveing spouse of a mate who’s terminally ill, because I happen to be dying. Nearly went for a Burton last night, actually. One of my Pit Bulls got me breathing again (I was conscious throughout, and it was the most frightening thing I have ever experienced).
But enough. I was the rejected spouse, and went through the begging phase. It was, of course, worse than useless, and I eventually shut down, and went back to my previous ’emotionless persona’ of a security contractor (think Kevlar and AKs, Blackwater before it was cool).
Which, of course, gave my wife justification for the rejection.
But the status quo works, at least here. Now that I’m circling the drain, it really doesn’t matter anyway, but even when I was still capable of some ‘desire’, I found that it, and the emotional baggage that went with rejection, got in the way of the kind of love that I promised at the wedding, and that I aim to keep doing.
Sexualy rejection is nothing. Keeping promises is everything, and being supportive and kind, if I can do nothing else, at least partially fulfills the vow.
Pint being that one can take rejection as justification, or one can absorb the hurt, and keep going. There are many different rejections in marriage, involving disrespect over the handling of finances, inlaws, raising children, etc. Sexuality is just one of these. There is always a modus vivendi.
If, that is, one cares to look for it.
@Melissa: It is called “Catharsis”
Kudos.
God’s peace be with you.
And so, the other commenters have just proven my point. They are all men! I am hopelessly abnormal, being the lone rejected wife. It is not an easy place to be, knowing there are all these men out there who love and desire their perfect wives, while my husband seems to not think about me that way, except to pity me once a week.
I wish I could talk to the wives of these men and tell them how blessed they are to have a husband that desires them. Wake up ladies! Being a rejected wife is far, far, far harder!
@B … I do have a page on my site specifically with posts about wives who want more sex and aren’t getting it. You may find some helpful info there: https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
@B, you are not alone. I’m in the same boat with you, although I did go through a period where my libido spiraled to where I had zero interest for a few weeks, but was still going through the motions when my H was interested. That was very rare for me not to have any desire at all for whatever reason. It seemed like something physiological.
Here’s something to make all readers laugh. So I tried to initiate last night, which I RARELY Do.
So he was sitting on the couch and both fully clothed, I climbed on top of him face to face. His reply: “I’m not ready”. My response: “You don’t have to be ready.”. And I proceeded to tell him how many times I’m “not ready” when he approaches me. So I tried again asking for an explicit request from him to which he responded, “Not tonight”. Which is why, I RARELY initiate. I did open up about the “double standard in our marriage”. It’s always on his terms, when he wants to be intimate. But what I didn’t share was that it often feels one sided, not always, but often. I make sure he gets what he desires and his needs get met, but I rarely feel any or much pleasure and I’ve told him what I need from him but for some strange reason he has some inhibitions but I am tired of learning to live with his refusal to please me like every wife should and deserves to be pleased. Sometimes I end up having to do things myself and I often feel some shame about feeling like I have to take care of my own needs because I have a H who refuses to make sure my needs and wants are taken care of. He knows I like intercourse but that’s not enough to cause me to have any fireworks. But a lot of times our intimate sessions are focused on meeting his needs. Oh he can be tender and affectionate in some ways, don’t get me wrong, but I often feel things are only going one way and not being reciprocated and I often have to ask God to help remove the bitterness and resentment that I often feel building up in me due to the lack of reciprocity. And thankfully since I have been making more of an effort to ask God to remove the bitterness and resentment and help me forgive H for his selfishness, that helps. It still isn’t fair and doesn’t make his selfishness right, but it helps keep those seeds of bitterness and resentment out but from time to time I have to go to the Father to seek help removing those weeds and negative seeds the enemy desires to plant in my heart to put a wedge between my spouse and I.
Thanks H, I’m in similar relationship. Love my wife dearly. After 42 years of marriage, with sexual intimacy less than 10 times a year, my wife recently told me the best part of sexual intimacy was when I finished ( note I not when we finished) and she had seen our sexual life as her duty. I felt totally appalled and deeply hurt. I had considered myself a considerate and thoughtful sexual partner, respecting her beliefs and ideas. Even today she believes “down there’ (her word) is dirty. I still desire my wife but she has no desire for me. My wife has refused all attempts to educate herself, seek counselling or to discuss sexual issues with me. She will start sobbing as soon as I try to open a discussion with her about our sexual intimacy.( Even when we agreed we would have this discussion the following night) Then I feel guilty for upsetting her, even though I believe the sobbing is controlling, to shut down the discussion. I really don’t know what I should do now. We do have a good life and enjoy each others company in a range of activities. We are both very fit and very health. But I still desire sexual intimacy. I haven’t sought comfort outside our marriage but it is starting to enter my thinking. I cannot see myself being celebrant for the rest of my life.
I’m the no-drive spouse, but my husband doesn’t have to beg. He just has to say, “Wife, I want to have sex,” and then we do. No effort beyond forming words to communicate a desire. Should be a man’s dream. No need to mess around with time-wasting foreplay, just get right to the part men want.
But here’s the thing, he only asks a couple times a month, when I know he wants it a couple times a week. I’ve told him a few times that if he wants sex, he just needs to let me know.
I’m not a fan of sex (too much work to get off, one more demand of me and my time, I’d rather sleep) so I could go without forever and be content. My husband isn’t the same way, and I respect that.
But he’s not happy with this arrangement. And that actually make me mad. He could be having sex every day if he wanted but no, I think he wants me to initiate or be into it. I’m getting even more angry when I think about it because hey, I may not be interested in sex, but at least I’m not rejecting him and saying no.
I’m not sure what the point of my rant is other than to feel better getting it out, but I guess the other thing is not all high-drive spouses have to beg, and I have no idea why my husband won’t take advantage of my generous offer more often.
I’m not a man so I’d like to know from men, which is better? Duty sex every day that you don’t have to beg for, or duty sex four times a year that you actually have to beg for? Can you agree that a wife never saying no to sex even if she doesn’t want it is better than no sex at all?
Most often, it is women who refuse their husbands sex. However, men who know their wive’s body chemistry or their physiology don’t need to beg their wives for sex unless they are not sleeping on the same bed.
I remember the early days of my marriage, one day i did something that really provoked my wife and she was so angry with me. But then i needed sex, and all i did was to use pep talk, telling her that i was sorry while one of my hand was caressing or touching or fondling her erotic zones.
All that i was doing even though she was trying to push me off was to get her sexually aroused. Before long, she got aroused and forgot that she was angry with me because she relaxed for me. In fact she even removed her pant for me herself and after we were through, that was the end of her anger and we slept off.
What i am trying to point out is that if your wife refuse you sex, don’t force her but try a way to get her aroused and once you succeed to get her sexually aroused, you will see her relax for you.
Again, a woman came to me sometime ago that her husband no longer show interest in having sex with her. I advised her that after they have gone to bed, that she should not talk to him about sex. I told her to go and shower and come back to bed naked.
The above suggestion worked because after the man turned and noticed that she was stark naked, he got aroused and started fondling the wife’s Brest. The man ended having a marathon sex with her.
Since then, anytime she needed sex, she will try and arouse the man and he will rise to to occasion once he got aroused. So couples should put begging for sex aside and do their home work by doing things that could get their spouse to get sexually aroused.
I have to say something. If you are a refuser, what you should be really afraid of is when your spouse has stopped begging for sex. This means that he/she has finally shut down and/or given up.
To The Wife ~
I understand you, really I do. But your husband does not just want sex. It’s not about his orgasm. If that is all he wanted, he could have that anywhere, with anyone, or even alone. He was sex WITH YOU. He loves YOU. He wants to be loved, to experience closeness and intimacy and friendship with his beautiful wife, the woman he fell in love with. Maybe he has not expressed this because it has never dawned on him that a man and a woman feel love differently.
Love is an act of the will, not just a feeling. When you married your husband, you promised to love him. Do you love him? Your husband’s perception of love is not the same as yours. He FEELS loved when you are willingly intimate with him and when it is your idea to love him this way. He feels loved when you initiate. When you turn him away he is rejected, unloved, and emasculated. What person wants to have to ask for love to be shown them? Why should he believe you love him if he has to beg you to show him that you do? It doesn’t matter how kind you are to him in other areas of your marriage. For a man, those expressions of love on his wife’s part are wonderful, but they don’t take the place of sexual intimacy.
When your husband makes love to you, he feels like he is giving himself to you. But you feel like he is taking something from you. A little mental shift could change this. Try being as generous towards him in your marriage bed as you are in other areas. He doesn’t just want you to just lie there and be willing. He wants to be desired! That is how he feels loved!
I didn’t understand this until I began to initiate regularly. I was afraid to. I was afraid to be loved passionately. Between us we had no intimacy, just occasional sex for his sake. But I needed intimacy, too. When I began, with a right heart, to consistently give what he needed, somehow I found my own needs met, as well. The sexual tension in our house was huge, but I didn’t even realize how it affected everything. It’s gone now. The change has been amazing, and it has even affected our kids though they have no idea why.
My heart aches for all you men commenting here, who have refusing wives. It took me 25 years of marriage to figure this out. I hope you don’t have to wait as long as my good husband did. He got through it by purposing in his heart not to be bitter with me, and he was faithful. I love him for that and I am so grateful that when he wanted to leave, he didn’t.
@Sally
Thank you for your support of loving husbands in the kind truth of your words. You have captured the feelings of so many of us and shown a light on them for all to see. If only your words could reach more people so more wives (and admittedly, some husbands) could see what their spouses feel.
Being a women and being rejected is harder. I see so many women wishing theor husbands would stop asking and I wish mine would simply want me. I wish I could understand what happend that all of a sudden I am no longer an option when before he couldn’t get enough of me. I have never felt so low in my life. I don’t want to leave but I have been waiting well over 5 years for him to make good on his promise to have sex more and it doesn’t happen. He wants me to have more confidence but how can I when he litterally wipes it away witb rejection daily? I see couples happy and in love older then us, together longer then us. There is no reason for this. I’m the only one trying here. I don’t understand why he deliberately hurts me. All he has to do is have sex with me. Most men would want that, yet he doean’t. It makes me feel like the most hideous women in the world. I feel used, ugly, and yet when I say I should go all of a sudden he says he loves me. What is that about? He just doesn’t want to be alone? I need love too! I need to feel wanted all the time not just 3 times a year when he gets horney. Why is it so different for women?
I think that begging is the worst thing you can possibly do. Doing so robs you of your dignity while making you look pathetic and weak to your already refusing wife – who obviously does not respect you enough to even attempt to be the partner that she promised she would be when you exchanged vows. If you want to give her 100% dominion over your life, go ahead and beg. Let me know how that turns out.
I guarantee that your begging will only need to increase as she further turns off the tap and sends you out into a sexless wasteland that she thinks you deserve because, as I said, she does not respect you nor does she want to be the partner she ought to be. Begging for sex is not going to fix that. Think about it.
Should you shut down? I don’t think so. That’s admitting defeat, and being defeated is yet another ten pegs lower for you to drop in her eyes. Anyway if you shut down, yet stay in the relationship and give her everything she wants, then she has 100% dominion over you just as she did when you were in the begging stage. You are in the exact same place as the beggar, except that you’ve chosen to silently beg or to be the martyr. Is that what you signed up for when you got married?
Sadly, I think the only situation that wakes a refusing wife up to the seriousness of what she is doing is when she realizes she is truly vulnerable to losing you. This is perhaps the only counterbalance that a man has when it comes to a perpetually refusing wife. And I can point to plenty of stories about how suddenly interested the wife becomes after her “near miss epiphany” occurs. I did not wish to believe this, but more than a decade of deprivation has bestowed upon me a modicum of wisdom about female nature if nothing else.
There is a lot I admire about women as a species, but one of their major flaws is their manipulative nature which manifests when they learn to use sex to wield power over their husbands – turning them into begging fools. Or worse – an asexual creature that is definitely not a MAN. The power to punish or to please. When did she get that much power in the relationship? Answer: when she figured out she had it.
I know that the reverse is also true. But I can point to 50 sex starved husbands for every sex starved wife out there. If you are a sex starved wife perhaps you are being made to pay for the sins of your many denying sisters.
It’s unfortunate that you have to take your entire relationship to the brink of destruction in order to communicate what words fail to do. At that point, she changes and you stay married, or she does not and you find someone who truly cares about your needs and who will lovingly attend to them. Ugly choices, indeed, but who put those two choices in front of you – you or her?
I must say that I have seen this circumstance between many couples and the results never ended well. First though the statement has to be made blatantly to the refuser “You are sinning” unless of course your spouse is abusing you in some form or fashion. But it’s true the spouse who is refusing is down right doing something wrong. 1 Corinthians 7 makes this apparent in completely sharing your body with the significant other 100% but my statement of seeing it with multiple couples is scary. I have had the unfortunate circumstance of seeing 17 yes i said 17 different couples (the saddest part is i’m only 23 years of age being the husband and just married a year myself and going through the same problem have seen such drastic situations) go through this and the end product of a scenario like such ended in 1 of 3 ways:
1. The refused spouse ends up having an affair whether emotional or physical. Let me make it clear that something like this happening is 100% wrong and is not justifiable by any means no matter the circumstance. However, in saying that I can still understand how a situation as such can drive a spouse to make such a decision. While i’ve never contemplated doing it myself the thought comes to me and I then understand why such rejected spouses end up making a decision like that in horrible scenarios as such.
2. The couple ends up divorcing. And 7 times out of ten spouses having problems with the first reason also ended up divorcing as well. But divorcing puts so much misery and unwanted baggage in your life. As a child of divorced parents I’ve seen the effect it has on both spouses and what it carries over of the former husband or wife if they so chose to remarry (Especially if children are involved).
3. The couple remains together but are miserable for the rest of their lives. Honestly I think this is the worst result out of all of them. Who wants to be stuck within what is suppose to be a Christian centered marriage only to have no sex, no relationship, no connection, and worst 9f all no happiness.
4. (I know I said only 3 but I thought I might add this as well) There is the slight chance that such a circumstance can change for the better if both spouses delve into the good Lord’s word, lots and lots and lots of prayer, communicate the dickens with each other, seek therapy/counseling both couples and individual, and last but not least initiate and build a sexually relationship that is strong and built with the foundation of God’s word.
But I say all of that to say this: if you (being either the refused or refused) are STUCK within a marital relationship that you are not satisfied sexually in then seek the right help first from above, then around from the right people (doctors, couselors, pastors, and so on) to whom can help you and your spouse find that happiness you both vowed you would keep between you on your wedding day. And if you don’t horrible repercussions will take place leaving both you and your spouse a lifetime of heartache, pain, and regret which so happens to be the enemy’s favorite concoction to mess your life up.
Young Man
“Sadly, I think the only situation that wakes a refusing wife up to the seriousness of what she is doing is when she realizes she is truly vulnerable to losing you.”
This quote from Dan is very powerful and I have often thought this is the case. There is always advice to talk to your spouse and perhaps they will understand. But sometimes the only time they will understand is when they feel the threat of loss. I don’t feel loved by my wife because she is not intimate with me. Is it manipulation? Perhaps and that is many times the case. However, every situation is different and in my case I think my wife just does not understand how important intimacy is to a man’s emotional needs.
A man understands his wife loves him when she shares her body with him. Even if she is a good wife in other ways, I believe the lack of intimacy cannot be compensated for and he will never truly feel loved. Staying in a marriage where you do not feel loved is very painful and that is what I am dealing with. Threatening divorce is the “nuclear option” but it does help bring into focus how important the lack of intimacy is. As Dan says, either the depriving spouse changes or the deprived spouse decides to leave and can look elsewhere for love.
My 22 year-old wife just doesn’t seem to think it’s important for us to have frequent sex. We have it about four times a month, all usually in a span of about ten days right after her period. The rest of the month she doesn’t seem to care. I can verify what many other commentors are saying, as a man, I don’t want pity sex. It makes me feel pretty unwanted when sex is a chore for my wife. In fact, few things make me angrier or hurt me more than the classic “(sigh) come on then, let’s do it”. I think to myself “oh, sorry to inconvenience you by wanting to make love to you honey”.
Of course this leads to me saying, “never mind” or “maybe later” and she gets all defensive and doesn’t understand why I ask for sex but don’t take it when she relents and (grudgingly) consents.
To the Wife, if he is like me he probably is fighting hard not to shout at you “I don’t want to f— you like some random hooker, I want to make love to the woman I asked to spend her life with me!”
If we just needed an orgasm we would do it ourselves. We need to be so close to you that we lose track of where we end and you begin! We need to pour our souls out into you and know that we are safe in the only place where we can not only vent the visceral lust that God hardwired into us, but we can revel in it with his blessing.
I believe that a strong sex drive is a curse to a single Christian. It is a wedding present sitting in front of us all our lives and the devil sitting behind us whispering in our ears that we should just open it now like everyone else. When we finally get to open it and figure it out (there are no instructions included) it’s like our lifelong curse is finally lifted and becomes a wonderful blessing.
For a man, sex with your spouse is kind of about orgasm, but the kind we get from enthusiastic, soul-tangling participation from the woman for whom we forsake all others is the kind that makes what was once a curse a blessing. “Duty sex” perpetuates the curse. We need you to make love back to make it a blessing.
I was forced to beg so much that one day I realized nothing is better than IGNORING and carry on with life…. today i beg no more, i ask no more, i say not a single word on relationship and sleep alone… i am soon 45 …
What should a husband do when he has to beg for sex and does not get it even then. Wife gives excuses like not well, back pain, feeling tired. Months have passed without sex. She does not even come forward for a visit to the psychologist. For me life has been tough as such. It is depressing when wife refuses sex.
My Wife Was very sexual when I first met her. The simple touch of her thigh would driver her crazy. Then, she came to the U.S., where we now live. & she now became a refuser. Don’t get me wrong, we both love each other very much. We would never consider divorcing or cheating. Since we first tried having sex, she had severe pain, which prevented us from having missionary style sex. Since then, we have found other positions in which she has no pain. However since our honeymoon 4 years ago, she has never approached me like before. My wife suffers from anxiety, allergies, random sickness’ which makes me feel guilty even to mention the fact that she is not sexual with me anymore. When we have sex, she just lies there…. It was so awkward I asked for her to fake orgasm … I constantly feel like I want to give up & completely stop asking her for sex… What do I do???
Being a woman who is constantly rejected by her husband its humiliating. We have sex less than once a month. I have asked but never begged. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t ask for fear of hearing him tell me no. I think the times he does give me sex is only as pity sex. I am unsure of what to do. I love him and we enjoy each other’s company but I’m starting to feel like I have a roommate instead of a husband. I’m just so depressed about this whole situation.
In my own life, I begged my wife for sex until it reached a point where in her mind, I must have looked like a sex addict. When that was put to me, that was when I started shutting down. That’s the risk that the low desire spouse takes. The opportunity for infidelity to occur. Why keep begging for a home-cooked meal when a freshly prepared platter is available elsewhere? That’s the point: When someone’s been begging for awhile and stops/shuts down, that’s the time to worry. It’s not just about one spouse’s need for sexual relationship, it can apply to a need for affection and affirmation.
I’m the refused on and boy does it hurt. I’ve went the rout trying to buy her everything she wants doing whatever she wants no mattwr how tired I am. I feel so unloved and unwanted. It also makes me feel very unattractive. I’m like in the friend zone but actually married. This is life nobody should have to live. All I can do is fight for my marriage that it appears she no longer wants. I’m realizing that God is the only way and I can’t rush him. I just to have to take it one day at a time.
From all the posts, we can agree that the spouse who gets rejected hurts deeply and struggling to go on with the day to day life. I personally accepted the situation now, but the struggle due to the rejection still persists and I do not want to destroy myself while coping with it. So, I prayed & did some research to find a constructive way to deal with it by myself. I found this book ‘Every woman’s Battle’ and it helped me to a great extent. May be the book ‘Every man’s battle’ helpful to the struggling men out there.
If two(husband & wife) cannot come towards healing together as it needs cooperation from both sides, is there a way for the spouse, who is struggling to cope better without destroying himself or herself /without cheating?
I am just wondering and hoping to share what helped me. If this get posted, it will also be a healing for the struggling spouse.
The book ‘Every Woman’s Battle’ can help a rejected wife and may be the book ‘Every Man’s Battle’ can help a rejected husband.
Dear friends,
I came across this website while searching on Google, to find others who, like me, as a sexually rejected husband in a marriage, and I thought I will share how I am trying to deal with it, with the hope it might help others here as well.
With a fortunate grounding in scripture and spiritual training over the last 19 years, and having suffered this fate of sexual rejection more intensely over the last few years, I have decided to try to see my situation from a spiritual angle of vision.
I prayed to God, studied scripture, talked to trusted spiritual guides in my life, and came to this conclusion:
Happiness between man and woman is only a perverted reflection of the real eternal relationship we each are meant to have with God. The former is called lust and the latter is love. However, since we are in this world, we try to satisfy our inate human desire through marriage, and usually find that this happiness in the mode of passion is short-lived. This is because we are looking in the wrong place. Activities in the mode of passion produces happiness in the beginning and distress at the end. This is a subtle divine law, much like the grose physical law of gravity operates. Instead we should use our marriage as a stepping stone to extending our love for God through completely busying ourselves in devotional activities: meditation, prayer, association with like-minded spiritualists where we sing hymns in praise of God and discuss scripture together, and spreading God’s word to others.
This is a sort of channeling, which we could also call dovetailing. We channel our lust to God by serving him more and more.
By doing this very diligently, this lust becomes transformed into love: Love of God.
Now, while practicing to reach this advanced stage of spiritual perfection, each of us will be on a different place on that continuum, but we must do our best and keep aspiring toward God through our respective paths of spirituality.
Yes, in my marriage I also begged for intimacy; I also shut down and decided not to ask for a long time, but both hurts.
When I begged, my wife felt pressured, and I felt like some pervert dog begging for the proverbial bone as I lay on the couch waiting for her to watch TV in avoidance, then if at all to give in to me, in a dutiful emotionally disinterested way. It was humiliating for me and felt horrible. When I instead chose to shut down and not approach her at all and sleep separately, my wife felt rejected and I felt vengeful and angry.
I am now trying the spiritual solution:
I try to see my wife as a victim of inevitable influence of time which erodes the passion of courtship into the eventual over-familiarity which often causes the rejecting partner to feel disgusted at intimacy.
I mean, why do we see divorce going on the world over? This is the nature of lust: it brings happiness in the beginning and distress at the end. That’s it’s general cource, and time is the wheel on which that course must inevitably travel!
You see, in this world the influence of time is that it degrades everything material. Relationship between man and woman, is actually material, not spiritual as some would want us to believe. That is why it is subject to the influence of time – because it is a material relationship based on the material body and then on the material mind. Think of it, if your spouce had the body of the same sex as you, no matter how compatible you were mentally, you would not desire sex from that person!
I now treat her as God’s property: sacred and deserving of care and protection,not for myself but for him. God has given her to me to care for and to guide her towards him. She in turn has a duty to make a home that I can come to after work, where I can practice my spiritual life nicely, and together we are responsible to make our children God-conscious and perfect future embassadors of God in this world.
I already had my short-lived share of sex that God allowed for me: I have my 2 children to prove it. I force myself to see my wife as a friend, not an enemy. We do sleep separately and I am sober and never become playful with her, for fear that my desires might flare up. When she feels rejected by my sober headedness I explain the reasoning and make her understand that it is not an act of vengefulness, and just as I tolerate feeling rejected, she should do so also, and together we must dovetail that hurt towards our service to God by very sincerely performing our respective devotional practice so that we can quickly reach that desired platform of spiritual maturity, where we can realize the Lord and our practical relationship with him, wherein we will ultimately find the greatest love that the soul is yearning for.
But, you might argue: Isn’t this a sort of shutting down in the name of spirituality? Are you not speaking overly lofty goals here?
It is lofty, but not unattainable. Besides, what else do we have left here in a sexually deprived marriage? As explained earlier, material relationships are eroded with time anyway. It is better to try attaining the lofty than reaching for the mirage in a desert. Secondly, it might appear like shutting down, and in fact in the immature stage of our spiritual practice it may even feel exactly like a normal shutting down, and yes we may still feel hurt and even angry in our rejected state.
But while we are still spiritually immature, we have to use the philosophy and take heart in it: We have to strive towards the higher thing: love of God, while tolerating the inconvenience of a sexless marriage, without blaming the spouce.
In time, we might become spiritually more mature depending on our spiritual practices. How would a spiritually mature person understand sexual rejection? Such a person would think: “God is actually being kind to me, because sex, which is actually dalliance with the body makes it harder to achieve self-realization which is based on the level of the soul. Those who have good sex life going for them are unfortunate as they will not be able to become self-realized and find the happiness that results from that self-realization. So this is God’s favoring me so that I can realize him more easily”.
God has been kind by giving us this apparent difficulty, because it means we are deprived the pleasure of the body which increases bodily identification and is the enemy of self-realization.
Self-realization is not the climax of sex-realization. Sexual climax is the height of bodily identification, no more. When man and women are united in their desire to enjoy that sex, it only makes that identification pleasurable because of the sharing in willingness to enjoy the body together.
Who is the actual self? That is the real consciousness me, the part that belongs to God and who is meant to relish pure happiness in his association.
Is it easy to think like this? Of course not. It is even more or less difficult for each of us, depending on our spiritual maturity. Personally I am struggling at a very low level of spiritual maturity but I know I must keep going because the end result is surely glorious.
In this way I offer my respect to my wife as a devotee of the Lord, and I keep myself on the straight and narrow path of devotional service to God, aiming in his direction with blinkers on, not allowing myself to digress as far as my capacity will allow.
Despite my lofty approach I am here reaching for, in my current low spiritual maturity I am still hovering between fanatical and angry, but I must tolerate this too, and let God do his work in my heart as I take on my devotional practices very seriously.
Am I at risk of cheating on my spouce?
Yes. Ashamedly so, I am, and currently there’s this beautiful young girl that started working at my place of employment who tries to talk with me. She and I are the only two Indian people working at this institution and I guess she feels a little more at home with me on a cultural level Etc. Being a little thoughtful, one should know that enjoying outside one’s marriage is sinful, and even if we choose the new partner over the existing spouce, the same influence of time will quickly erode the initial passion again into familiarity and disinterest. It’s not worth it. Even the children will suffer. But whatever happens the Lord knows my limitations and I trust in his protection, whatever I might do in total desperation, because he knows the extent of the trouble I am taking to do what is right, and the effort I am making in tolerating the inconvenience.
I also ask all you spiritualists out there to offer prayers for me, as I am just a simple conditioned soul trying to do right in God’s eyes.
With kind regards,
Anonimous
I am the rejected husband. I had already gotten tired of begging several years ago, and turned to drinking instead of another woman. I just threw in the towel, I guess. After a six-week split, she came back with some health issues & a bunch of excuses. I wanted to get our old sex life back and expand our overall relationship, including our sex life. When I told her that I had previously gotten tired of begging, she said it never happened like that, that she withdrew because I was drinking (which is backwards). We did have sex a few times in the first 4 months after she came back, but now it has been 2 1/2 months without sex, and she has used every excuse in the book: tired, it’s late, the kids, I’m busy, “is that all you think about?”, etc., etc. We aren’t old, she is 55, I’m close to 54. I told her we should take advantage of the time we DO have, before we are too old. She says it doesn’t really matter to her, it’s just not important. I don’t like this feeling, or going back to the way it was before. I don’t know what to do.
I appreciate that she cooks and cleans, but I can do those things for myself. I want to please her sexually and want her to do what I can’t do for myself.
I am also rejected husband but in a bit more complicated rejection embellished by manipulative wife’s tantrums
she calls me a pervert for asking sex at least once a week
she calls me animal who has weekly fits of sex
she never initiates a kiss let alone sex
all the time I have to initiate kisses, cuddles, embraces and eventually sex
but she is always as cold like a dead fish emotionally
I actually read many Internet websites and mastered sex positions to give her quick orgasm.but she is averse to changing positions
she always starts sex by saying let’s do it quick. mostly she keeps on wearing clothes. does not let me kiss kick her anywhere. lies still when I am done she will go out of room and that’s it. no after play, no foreplay
if I ask her for sex again within next one week she will say I am animal
if I try to kiss her she will say is it sex that I want all the time
want suicide for me now after ten years of manipulative wife.
The partners we have picked are wrong. We should never have got together with people who do not feel our suffering. True love is empathetic. It can sense the feelings of the other across the room. This includes things like your sex drive! They are supposed to get turned on when you are! And your personality should naturally entice them. Some say this attraction might ‘run out’ in some people but i know after 10 years I have kept myself interested. Too much rejection now is making me feel like some dirty creep and I am over trying. If i didnt get the odd look from a women Id break from believing I was a rotten corpse. Sex is a primal need because like food, water or shelter. I say this because people can go loopy without it. Especially when its right there but you cant have it. Thank god we are the animal that strives for self control.
I have never gone so far as to beg. I always took the initial rejection and didn’t press further. Now it just hurts too much to ask at all. I have been sleeping in a separate room now for a few weeks. It is the best sleep I have had in years. I used to lay awake for hours hoping either she would show me some attention or fall asleep so I could take care of my own needs. Now, I just do it myself and go right to sleep. It cost me many sleepless nights laying there with exactly what I wanted pressed up against my body knowing the whole time that I could never have it. I still care about her enough to stay so she has health insurance but the feelings of love have died. She used to be my reason for living. Now she’s just a reason I have to survive. Staying and providing is a responsibility. Staying alive is a duty. There is nothing else left in me. I used to get upset but now I just feel empty. I’m barely into my thirties and have lost all hope for a happy marriage. I’ll never leave or cheat but I hope I get some aggressive fatal illness so I don’t have to live like this.
I sadly sympathize with you. My spouse is a veteran, refuses counseling, his anatomy functions, but he despises intimacy. We’ve been married a little over nine years and have physically lain together one dozen times. Most in a one month period in order to conceive our child. Once birth was successful, he was honest with me. There would be no more attempts at conception.
There is no such thing as warm a embrace from him. He hasn’t kissed my lips since the day we stop before the justice of the peace. He shirks the brush of my hand.
I feel as though if I complain about him to anyone, they’ll ostracized me for condemning anything he does due to his injured veteran status. I don’t DARE bring this up again in family therapy lest the admonishing commence. He makes me feel like a devient when I self gratify on top of everything else. Or he’ll make me the butt of jokes in front of others.
i thought he would improve as a lover. That the akwardness would fade into closeness and mutual love and intimacy as we grew to know each other as sexual beings.
It saddens me to admit this, but I find myself dreaming of my deceased fiancé and the our lovemaking. It’s been over fifteen years but the dreams lately have seemed intensely real. It has shaken me to my soul! I don’t like feeling as though I’m emotionally cheating on my living spouse with my dead fiancé!
There are days I wish I would mercifully be hit by a boulder.
@John – I am a woman in my mid 30s n dealing with similar situation with my husband. After we speak he makes a progress but then we are back to same cycle. Our time is always 95%of the time is not priority on his list. We have 2 beautiful kids but i have always kept myself in shape and have a career and help him bug time financially with bills. I still feel same about my husband from the first say i lays eyes on him even after 13 years of marriage.
I have never denied him until lately since I have pulling back emotionally from him due to me being the initiator of everything in our relationship. When i ask for attention he ends up seeing my efforts as fights which i dont. I dont even yell during talking to him. He is the one raises his voice because he prefers his sleep more than health of marriage.
I recently found out that he has used porn to deal w his stress while i had been available.
I have many times told him how much it bothers me n my feelings get hurt. I am always open to anything as long as its not hidden ffrom me. I have come to the point where i am starting to sleep in seperate room. I refuse to sleep with a man in the same bed same room who has no regard for his wife’s love and care for him. Even if he sometimes shows affection and care i am just not into it anymore sue to pain he has put me through n thinks its k. Then he complaints we dont do this or that anymore. My reply inhave always been here.
I am emotionally done, i still love him because what we have been together n stood by each other through thick and thin. I dont have any ill will towards him.
Is ther anything that has helped you to cope with your pain?
@H – i am so sorry. I feel ur pain. I am woman in my mid 30s and i feel like i am dying inside. If it wasnt for my two kids i probably would have attempted to kill myself. Pain is too much. I also lay next to my husband to see if he shows some love and emotions physically. I have also started to sleep in seperate room and he hasnt even made an attempt to make things better.
I am not even speaking to him for now. Even if he is talking to me i stay quiet. I have nothing to say i have anothing left.
Everything seems to painful.
We are not nasty to each other because of our kids. There is no ill will towards each other. We both are taking care of our responsibilities and our kids.
Before he left the house this morning he tried touching my arm but i didnt want to be touched. There is is still deaper issue which he refuses to address. I am a very emotional person and this is effecting my work and other activities. I am lucky to have my kids to keep me sane and going.
I dont want to leave him because he wont be able to support himself w/o me. I dont want my kids to suffer either. He comes from divorced family himself so not sure if he just doesnt know how a married life should be w his wife. Its very difficult to leave someone aftwr 15 years being together. I hope you find peace in your situation.
I so wish I could find some answers. We use to just about every day but I developed a condition where intercourse became painful. I have also found lately that I just don’t have any desire to be intimate. I still love him dearly and enjoy loving on each other in other ways. The first thing he tells me when he gets home is “can we?” he’ll stand there for a few minutes and ask again. It doesn’t seem to matter if it hurts me and I have no interest. Is that all a relationship is bound on?
@ Other
Intercourse is painful for me also. I believe the messages I always hear are: figure out whats wrong and fix it.
Well, I’ve been to several doctors and have ended up on hormones which haven’t worked at all. Lube and moisturizers don’t work for me either. So, I just grin and bare it. Needless to say, the pain has caused me to lose all interest in sex.
Why would anyone want to engage in something they know will only cause them pain?
Because they are married.
Yes, for a lot of men, if there is little or no sex, there is no relationship…..other than that of a roommate 🙁
You are not alone in your suffering.
I pray you find a solution to your pain.
After many years of marriage, my wife finally told me that sex is painful for her. Our entire intimate relationship has been a lie. I told her that we didn’t have to have intercourse but we had to find alternatives so we could still have some kind of sexual connection. There are ways we can give each other pleasure and build closeness without the pain. Since that conversation, she has made no effort to compromise with me. We don’t have any kind of sexual relationship anymore. We are just roommates. Intercourse isn’t the end all be all of sex. Even a ‘helping hand’ now and then would show me she was at least thinking about me and cared about my need to feel loved. If intercourse is painful then I would urge wives to find an alternate compromise. Don’t just end all sexual activity or suffer through it. I never wanted to cause my wife pain and I wish I had known from the start but she never told me. Now our marriage is falling apart and Im not even sure I want to save it anymore.
@pb sorry to hear about your experience and thanks for the sympathy. Due to the extremely infrequent nature of our past sex life, we have no children. I’m glad you at least have yours so you get some emotional connection. After years of focus on her, most of my friendships have faded and gone. I don’t get along with my family very well. My wife was all I had. I’m glad that we don’t have any children though. I would never want to raise a child in the cold emotionless house we have. It would be scarring to force a child to grow up watching his/her father slowly die inside. I would never willingly end my own life but not seeking treatment for health risks seems reasonable to me. I’m at a point now where prolonging my life no longer seems desirable. Why bother taking care of myself if it means enduring more of this life? If I will never in this life feel loved again then why make that life last longer? Wasted effort. I quit exercising and make no effort to eat healthy anymore. Heart attack or stroke are sure to follow. A relatively quick although painful end are preferable to the slow gnawing death I feel every day. And best of all, if I died of natural causes then my provider responsibilities would be covered by life insurance so I can pass on guilt free. Don’t feel bad about it because I don’t. I don’t feel much of anything anymore. I’m a hollow shell of who I once was. To get back to the topic of the post though, I will never beg to feel loved. The only thing I beg and pray for now is an end.
My wife has lost interest in sex but occasionally gives me obligatory sex on a Sunday morning only if I decide to sleep in and if there is nothing else going on (no kid activity commitments). Im so depressed over this I finally decided to give up begging for it. This comes with a certain amount of freedom because now I don’t worry about making her happy by doing things with her or spending money on things I don’t want to in hopes of getting lucky, no date night , flowers, jewelry and anything special.
I found this on a website and some of it really hit home for me. Background: Been married for over 21 years, sex started to decline about 10 years ago, got really bad about 5 years ago, then got a little better, and now it’s getting bad again. This past year I’m convinced I’m depressed.
Combining sex with shame. For example, she labels you as “perverse,” “sick” or “abnormal” for wanting sex, when she’s the one who has a perverse, twisted sexuality and relationship beliefs—this is more projection. Typical statements include: “There’s something wrong with you. You’re a sex addict. You’re a pervert. All you want is sex.” Shaming you for the very natural desire of physical intimacy in your committed relationship is incredibly abusive and can leave emotional scars.
Will only have sex when she wants it, which is usually after you’ve been so beaten down that you no longer have any interest in touching her.
When you tell her that you’re not in the mood (go figure), she insults your manhood, accuses you of infidelity, of not loving her and so on and so forth.
She expects you to perform a thousand and one feats of devotion before she takes the lid off the cookie jar, yet expects you to perform on demand whether you want to or not. This is another example of her utter lack of empathy. Sex is about what she needs in that given moment and has nothing to do with you. You’re nothing more than object who exists to service her every whim, need and insecurity.
@ Other and An Other: After 8 years of marriage with very little sex, my wife finally informed me that intercourse was painful. If I had known, I would have been OK without intercourse until we figured out what was wrong. (We may know now with a recent diagnosis requiring surgery.) The problem is that we could have been doing other, non penetrative sexual activities this whole time that still would have met my need for connection. We are still both perfectly capable of climaxing without intercourse but she doesn’t feel like it. She experiences no pain from oral or manual stimulation and I am very willing and skilled at both. She has always immensely enjoyed those few times I have been allowed to use those skills. I just want to be with her more often but if I initiate, I get rejected, and if I wait for her to initiate, I just end up waiting. We have made love only about 8 times this year and likely won’t again this year. That part of our marriage means nothing to her. I’m not insensitive and I don’t want her to be in pain but I DO feel like just a roommate. I’m lonely and growing more depressed daily having to take care of my own physical needs while getting no emotional satisfaction from it. This is not what I expected after saving myself for marriage. I feel lied to, led on, the victim of a bait-and-switch scheme.
I have had a severe chronic pain disorder for 20 years along with several autoimmune illnesses and severe fatigue. I cannot tolerate laying down for very long especially at night when my pain is at it’s worst so I sleep in a recliner. I still enjoy sex and almost always reach orgasm..95% of the time. However I can usually only comfortably have sex in the morning when I’m in less pain and even then I often have to take a couple Tylenol 3s.
I initiate sex almost every Sunday (I know scheduled sex sounds horrible) as it’s my husbands day off but he often wants to do it again an hour later and I’m in too much pain. He also wants to do it more than once a week which is understandable but it’s usually too much for me. Some weeks I feel a lot better and I initiate more than once a week and in the evening if possible but lately I’ve had worse pain but I still did it twice last weekend.
His begging has become so bad I can’t stand it and he’s starting to gross me out with the things he says. He begs up to 6 times per day. I’m happy to give him a BJ but when we’re in the middle he pressures me for full intercourse even when he knows I’m in too much pain I can’t lay down (and having me on top doesn’t work for him even though he keeps insisting that I try. It has never worked for either of us for some reason. It used to work for me with my ex.) However when we are arguing he denies that he pushes for more when I say I can only do a BJ.
Another problem is that he insists on it being a very slow tantric process which is great if you’re not suffering in physical pain. It takes a minimum of 45 mins before he is done and over an hour sometimes. I always finish first.
I just don’t understand why he must specifically have intercourse so often and for 45 mins to an hour. He says he would like to have as every day and that he thinks about it every hour of every day. Even when we first met 3-5 times per week was the most often in our 12 year relationship. So he seems to need more and more since he’s been in his late 40s and 50s. He’s 58 now. He is also an extremely anxious person and he has hated and complained profusely about every job he’s had (and there have been many). I think this increase in sex drive may somehow be tied in with his anxiety and dissatisfaction with life. He has also been begging multiple times per day for a second electric guitar for the past two months as well but we don’t even have enough for rent. I don’t know why he doesn’t just put it on his credit card. It’s not like I can stop him it instead he keeps trying to show me guitars online which I won’t look at anymore. It sounds like a mid life crisis but it’s been going on for way too long and therapy doesn’t seem to help.
Well, that’s about it I guess. I’m not really expecting a happy ever after at this point. Any insights particularly from the folks who need more sex would be much appreciated.
A: I may understand how your husband feels when he begs for sex frequently. He seems very dissatisfied with the rest of his life and wants some reason to make it all worth while. If I had a fulfilling intimate relationship with my wife, it would be so much easier to handle the monotony of going through life when nothing else gives you meaning or purpose. Your husband may be depressed and looking for comfort and closeness (hence the slow 45 min plus lovemaking). He wants a reason to keep getting up in the morning. The guitar thing is him trying to include you in his life decisions. He shouldn’t be asking for things that you can’t afford anyway but at least he is (consciously or not) giving you a say in the decision and veto power over it. Be thankful that he is not hiding outrageous purchases from you. I have no way of knowing if your husband is like me but I feel like the intimate connection with my wife is the only thing keeping me going (and that has faded into non-existence). I hope that someday it may return and that hope is all I have left. My job is stressful, depressing, and drains my will to live. My family causes more stress than is worth dealing with most of the time. My focus on my marriage has led my friendships to fade to the point that I am lucky to see my friends a few times a year. My wife is all I have for human connection and I am lonely. Intimacy helps me feel like I have a reason to keep living. During a particularly long dry spell, I actually started having suicidal thoughts. The only reason I didn’t was that I still cared enough about her not to want her to lose everything. If I had, she would lose my life insurance, the house, and her health insurance. I would never do that to her but I still occasionally have those thoughts. That is how important intimacy is to me. It’s the glue that puts me back together when life rips me apart.
I used to wonder if it was an age thing. I’m 36 she’s 35 and I’m the refused. We might be intimate 2 to 3 times in a month and that’s a great month. These last 10 years I think maybe 1 or 2 times every 3 months. One weekend I initiated and got the response, “see this is why we don’t do this much. Because once we do, you expect it every week!” And that time was week 2. I laugh about the situation sometimes. I love my wife but her lack of intimacy really bothers me.
One other thing that bothers me is that in the early years of our relationship I’d hint about her trimming down there. She thought the subject was perverted. Then a few years ago, sometime at the end of a dry spell I find out she’s gotten waxed… Wasn’t her first wax either. Apparently she started getting it done a couple months back. And has been doing it monthly since. And we STILL only get intimate about 2 every 3 months.
I’m now at a point where I’d initiate once in a while and hope it was good timing.some is better than none.
Thanks for listening. Just felt like I had to tell someone, anyone.
I can relate and I’m so sorry Sal, I pray that she’s waxing for you, I’m kinda in the same situation except I haven’t seen my wife naked in 6 maybe 7 years, I’m not a bad man or husband I provide and don’t push her but because of this dry season my mind wonders if … Well you know what I mean I really hope not I do try but always get shot down, it’s to the point that I don’t ask anymore and we have been roommates for awhile now, it gets very lonely and sometimes I get so resentful, I do try to stay in shape and stay clean hoping today will be the day, I’m sorry I am making this about me, in fairness she told me she was molested as a child and for that reason she doesn’t want me, I wasn’t aware of this until 5 years into our marriage when she told me, I do go to counciling with her, but meantime I wait, and one important thing “I do love her” but how long is too long, I’m still hear with her but I want to be wanted it’s been soo long since I’ve felt that way
@sal I would really encourage you to seek out what’s wrong. I still remember the look of sheer shock – that just made me even more angry – on my husband’s face when I told him I was leaving. I tried and tried to tell him, refused to sleep with him, got badgered for sex, resented it deeply, and would once in a while give in, only to be furious when he would enjoy it and be happy about it. I inwardly felt like, “You hurt me so much every day. You don’t care. You use my body for your own enjoyment. And have the GALL to tell me you want to do it more – and tell me ‘See? We’re fine. We just need more sex. Then, our marriage will be perfect.'”
When I left, he told me, “I’ve done everything for you. You refused me everything. Our marriage is in trouble because of you.”
I countered with “Tell me the second child’s birthday….No? Okay. When is my birthday?….No? How many months old is the baby?…No. You’re off by six months. What do we have planned tomorrow?…Oh, so you told your friends you’d have dinner with them. No, I don’t care if you go out once in a while with the guys. Have a good time celebrating our anniversary. I won’t be here anyway. I’m taking the kids. And don’t blame this divorce on me. You don’t care. Underneath it all, you really just don’t care about us as people – only what we do for you. So, go find someone else to give you sex while you know nothing about them, but think you’re a wonderful husband because you pay the bills. Tell me how well that works out. I’ll give you a clue. Probably about as well as it worked out this time.”
We reconciled, but it was with a zero sex understanding. It took me six months to be intimate again – and hated every second of it for two years until our marriage and relationship problems were solved.
I’m not trying to terrify you, but before you resign it to “low drive” make sure it’s not like us – a high drive wife who would have rather lived on the streets than let my husband touch me. I was so silently unhappy in my marriage that sometimes I wanted to die, usually after sex when he was sleeping – and I was crying myself to sleep again.