marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
Is Your Spouse Begging for Sex?
Oct
As someone who blogs about sex, I see common storylines revealed through the comments and emails I receive.
Yes. I know.
Every marriage is unique with its own details, history, circumstances, plots and perplexities.
But today I want to talk about marriages where there are no huge struggles — except for sexual intimacy.
One spouse wants sex more often. The other spouse couldn’t care less about sex.
Maybe sex happens every now and then, but usually in these marriages, weeks or months will go by with no sex. Obligatory sex makes its appearance occasionally, just to keep the peace.
But eh, not always.
What then? Well, maybe you see your own marriage peek out from this sexual dynamic:
The refused spouse responds to the ongoing refusal by taking a practical approach. They logistically think that if they can just “win” their spouse over with good deeds and romantic gestures, the natural response from their disengaged spouse will be more sexual interest.
Sadly, that usually doesn’t happen.
So then the refused spouse tries to address the issue in a more direct way through conversations or questions about “what may be wrong” or “why don’t you want to have sex” and so forth.
This usually garners a bit of defensiveness from the spouse who is doing the refusing.
The spouse who doesn’t see sex as a priority starts to throw into the arena questions like “Is that all you think about?” and “It’s just about sex, isn’t it?”
A back-and-forth battle ensues. it’s intermittent, though, resulting in discouragement and anger, but rarely humility and hunger to draw close.
Classic passive aggressiveness from both sides may arrive on the scene too. Silent treatment. Manipulation. Withholding sex as a way to punish a spouse. Lack of respect. Sabotaging things that are important to one another.
The emotional chasm is like a sleeping giant just below the surface. It begins to define their new normal of little or no sex.
And then, if all of that doesn’t compel some positive change, they arrive at a crossroads.
I say “they,” but what I really mean is that one of them — the rejected spouse — has arrived at the crossroads. The spouse doing the refusing is oblivious that the crossroads is right beneath their feet (or right in the middle of their bed, as the case may be).
At this crossroads, the refused spouse makes a decision — to either shut down completely sexually (setting up unspoken emotional distance and boundaries at the same time) OR to begin begging for sex.
Shutting down. Or begging.
That’s usually the decision happening at the crossroads.
So, my question to you is, if the above scenario feels painfully and eerily familiar (like I’m literally describing what’s going on in your marriage right now), what is happening at that crossroads?
Is the refused spouse shutting down? Or are they begging for sex?
Those two options are not good. Like not good in a “huge red flag” sort of way.
None of us stands at an altar and imagines a day when we will shut down emotionally and physically to our spouse. Or a day when we will have to beg — literally beg — for sex.
These are hard hard things. I know.
You may be the spouse doing the refusing. Or you may be the spouse being refused.
Regardless, the status quo is unsustainable.
My hope is that somehow the two of you will move TOGETHER toward healing and strengthening your marriage, including your sexual intimacy. This blog post may just be your wake up call.
So, wake up. Please wake up.
“A year from now what will you wish you had done today?” — Liam Linisong
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Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
I’m going through the same thing and my thing is everything is else is horrible. A cat that literally pees everywhere another one that vomits and leaves hairballs and orange spots everywhere on the carpets and couches, 2 teenagers that won’t do anything around the house, sitting up watching the damn news and CNN all day long literally. I’m 39 years old and don’t want to live life like a old man. I’m so tired and done and just want to save my money and leave. I think differently because I understand that someone doesn’t want to do anything with me that’s fine but why stay in a relationship? Then when you try and talk it just turns into a shouting match and I’m the one that’s sitting here looking like the bad guy for asking for something that makes me human. It’s not like I’m asking for something disrespectful like in itin other women into the bedroom I’m just asking for sex. Always tired but got time to clean up after teenagers, and wash their clothes, and drive them around everywhere but when I ask she is tired. I don’t have no children here so why do I have to stop my life and live like that. I’m so done and don’t know what else to do. I just want out.
Been there, endured that, for years and years, then got divorced. Forget it. If one spouse wants it all the time and the other one doesn’t, give it up. Get divorced. Spare yourselves. There’s no “negotiating”.
My survival mode was completely shut down, physically, emotionally, and every other way. I was dark, aloof, silent, and alone. It was the only way I could get through each day. I finally told her I had enough, and she didn’t argue. I wish I did it 10 years sooner than I did. The misery, the sleeplessness, the fatigue. All those years I could have been looking for somebody who would make me happy instead of staying in that marriage.
There are many things you can work out with your spouse – money, household chores, rules for the children, career changes. But sex is not one of those. You either want it or you don’t.
See.. I’m a 25 year old woman, and I got married when I was 22.. I’m a housewife and stay home all day cleaning and cooking. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE what I do, but there’s one thing missing… SEX. When my husband gets off work he just immediately goes to the bathroom (for at least an hour) then goes straight to the den to watch television for hours. Now don’t get me wrong, I get he wants to come home and chill, he’s been at work for 8 hours.. VERY UNDERSTANDABLE, But it’s every day! It’s so repetitive that I predict EXACTLY what he’s gonna do every minute! When we do have sex, it’s only one weekend day.. but I think the only reason why he does that is so I don’t have to “COMPLAIN” about not having sex.. which I believe to be very selfish. See.. I know I made promises the day we got married, but I’m sexually frustrated and I’ve been considering stepping out! UUUGGHHHH!!!!! Dilemma!!!!!!
Ashley I am in the same boat. We’ve been together for 6 years. We have sex maybe once every 2 weeks and I believe it’s only to shut me up. Because I complain about sex. I know he is…. how do I say this. I know he’s jerking off on his days off and days he works he’s too tired after work. I beg him literally beg him to not jerk off on his day off while I’m at work so than.. maybe just maybe. I might get some. And he gets mad and says ur always horny u always want sex. I’m like no we only have sex once every 2 weeks or sometimes once a month. I am 32 years old and a women in their 30s are more sexually active than ever and it’s driving me crazy.