A young married couple emailed me recently, admitting that they were both aroused by using certain obscene and/or slang language during sex.
They wondered if I thought this was okay.
Some of you may think the couple’s quandary is a rare exception among Christian couples.
I would argue otherwise, though.
If more married couples were candid about this, I think we would discover that many face the same dilemma.
As Christians, they would never use the F word or other “cuss” words in their public conversations or even in private casual conversations in their own home.
Yet when it comes to being in the throes of passion in their marriage bed, they find the use of such language surprisingly arousing.
Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.
I’m simply shedding light on something that is worthy of discussion, especially if a married couple is feeling angst about whether something is right or wrong in their marriage bed.
I mean, it’s kind of my wheelhouse to talk out loud about these things rather than allow silence and darkness to fuel uncertainty and struggle.
Just for clarification, I’m not talking about using language that is done with the intention of berating the other spouse or when one spouse has clearly said they are not comfortable with it. I think we can all agree those scenarios do not exemplify love.
I’m talking about when both of the spouses find the use of vulgar language arousing. They are not turned off by it, but are incredibly turned on by it and find it heightens the intensity of the sexual encounter.
What is a couple to do?
Below is what I told the young couple (Spoiler alert, you probably aren’t going to like my answer).
I told them I could argue it both ways — that it’s okay and that it’s not okay.
In one regard, I believe we must consider the spirit and context of such conversations.
When a word — even what most people generally consider is an obscene word — is used within the context of mutual, exclusive and passionate sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife, in the privacy of their lovemaking, some would argue this isn’t damaging to anyone or anything.
In another regard, though, when we hold everything up to scripture, some would argue that an obscene word could never, in any context, meet the standard of…
“whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8); or
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
Of course, we could take this deeper and cause all kinds of theological debate by posing the question:
“Is obscenity that is mutually enjoyed by a married couple in the privacy of their lovemaking actually an example of the above scriptures being upheld — rather than an example of the scriptures being violated?”
Ornery of me, I know, to try to come at this from all angles. I’m mischievous that way. I’m just trying to get you to think.
And suffice to say, I can’t answer these questions for you.
They are “wrestling with God” matters. If you and your spouse are struggling with this issue of certain obscene words being a turn on during sex, then I encourage you to seek God on it.
The Holy Spirit is faithful. And He will reveal direction for you.
I will say this, though:
Don’t beat yourself up if you have used obscene words during sex and found it arousing. It’s wise to seek discernment, yes. But it’s not helpful at all to wallow and get stuck in self defeat.
If you want to stop using certain obscene words, then find other expressions and words that can be equally arousing.
Honestly, I think the more descriptive a husband and wife can become in telling each other what they like sexually, the better.
You don’t have to use the F word.
You and your husband may be surprised you both are just as turned on when you say to your husband, “I need you in me” or “I like when you ________ with the head of your penis.”
You both may be turned on when he tells you in vivid detail what he likes you to do with your breasts or your hands or your mouth.
Anyway. You get the idea.
If you and/or your spouse are not used to talking or making any sound of ecstasy during sex, then becoming more descriptive may seem awkward or distracting, especially at first.
But I think this is a great aspect of lovemaking to explore.
I think staying completely silent during sex is frustrating (and, in my case, almost impossible. Not gonna lie.) But I have had to, at times, stay quiet in certain circumstances so that the exclusivity of our lovemaking wouldn’t be compromised.
I’m guessing that’s a topic for another blog, though. Quiet Lovemaking When There Is No Other Option. (I can assure you it will be a short post. I have so little practical experience to write a post like that).
Your turn to chime in. Have you and your husband struggled with wondering if it is okay to use obscene language during your lovemaking?
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.