I think most people head into marriage with this overwhelming assumption about sex:
That it will be easy. That everything will happen naturally. That there won’t be any significant sexual struggles.
Okay. That was two… kinda three… assumptions.
But you get the idea, right?
Maybe you can even relate, because you packed those assumptions into your marital suitcase and called it good.
And then you were married for awhile, forced to look closely at everything you had put in that suitcase.
Or, if you are like many people, you did the opposite — you shoved that suitcase under the bed. You chose to ignore the ways your assumptions where going head-to-head with your realities.
Your realities were winning the battle and your sexual intimacy sucked.
And you proceeded to tell yourself these lies about sex:
LIE #1: “This will work itself out someday.”
Oh my, did I tell myself this lie big time in my first marriage. We had sexual struggles, and I knew it.
But rather than call those struggles out, get transparent and try to have an honest conversation about those struggles, I banked on the elusive “someday” instead. “Someday” never arrives on its own. You have to walk in the direction of health if you want healthy improvements in your sexual struggles.
And that’s hard, sometimes incredibly painful and filled with anxious moments. But living in the status quo of sexual mediocrity isn’t exactly a cake walk either. It is better — and wiser — to get courageous and look at what is suffering in your lack of intimacy.
I think you will discover that your marriage is suffering, your spouse is suffering and truth be told, you are suffering.
LIE #2: “I don’t deserve good sex in my marriage because I was promiscuous in my past.”
No news flash here — many people, including many Christians, come into marriage having already had sex — maybe even having had wild drunken “can’t remember his name” sex.
And here you are, a Christian wife, trying to figure out how to have passionate sex in its right context of marriage. When sexual roadblocks come, you feel completely derailed.
And you start saying things to yourself like, “Well, maybe I already screwed all this up. I was so careless with sex in the past. God can’t possibly forgive me. Bad sex (or no sex) in my marriage is my punishment.”
Best to combat that lie with the truth. Otherwise Jesus’ blood means nothing. The truth is that if we repent of our sins, including our sexual sins, and ask for forgiveness, we are indeed forgiven.
You can build amazing sexual intimacy in your marriage on a clean slate — but you have to accept the clean slate.
You are not being punished for your past promiscuity (and my hope is you are not punishing yourself or your spouse for past promiscuity either).
LIE #3: “Enjoying sexual pleasure is sinful, even in my marriage.”
If this false tape is rolling around in your head, my guess is it was originally recorded at the hands of well-meaning, yet slightly delusional, Christian adults who never told you that sex in marriage is good.
Instead, all you heard was an over-generalized message of “sex is bad” or “sex is wrong” or “sex is gross” or some other version of that lie.
Well, time to toss that mix tape and replace it with an updated truthful playlist.
(If you are too young to know what a mix tape is, that’s adorable. I’m guessing, though, that you completely know what a playlist is, regardless of your age).
As a married woman, your playlist needs to include hits like “Sex is Good!” and “Sex is from God!” and “Orgasm is One of the Best Things Ever!”
The Lord, Master Creator that He is, designed sex. Orgasm was His idea — part of the Master plan; not an “extra” tossed in at the last moment.
I’ve heard people say, “Well, God had to put orgasm in or otherwise people would never have sex and procreate.”
Uh, last time I checked, we don’t serve a Lord who is hip on trickery. That’s not His gig, and my guess is, deep down, you know it.
He is a generous Lord.
The vast majority of sexual intimacy in marriage is not for making babies. It is for bonding and pleasure and covenant and remembrance of the oneness you share with your spouse.
To call something sin that is indeed NOT sin, in my opinion, makes this the worst of the 3 lies.
If you’ve believed the above lies about sex in your marriage, what will it take for you to shed light into those caverns of darkness?
There is great sadness that such lies even exist. But the real devastation happens when we cling to them and protect them — as if they are our identity.
Maybe give truth a shot instead.
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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7 thoughts on “3 Lies You’ve Maybe Told Yourself About Sex (#3 is the Worst)”
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I think that #3 lie is still prevalent in many churches today. In my own marriage, my spouse will say sex in marriage is not a sin but will certainly act in our marriage bed as though it is true. My spouse limits sex to once every 4-6 weeks, 2 positions allowed and only intercourse is permitted (no oral, etc). My spouse’s Mom emphasized that sex was for the man….and so many other bad teachings. I am so sad that my spouse and I are missing out on God’s wonderful gift for married couples. Keep preaching the truth Julie!
Great article. I appreciate the comments in #2 about forgiveness. We are forgiven. Every day is a new beginning. Truly.
Number 2 is indeed correct, and we are calling God a liar if we do not believe and utilize it (I John 1:9). However, there is another Biblical principle that definitely is in play in this situation. Galatians 6:7-8 tells us that there are consequences for sin. Although God is not punishing, there are residual effects from sin. What has been sullied in our minds must be cleansed. God’s desire for every believing husband and/or wife is to be a loving, generous, enthusiastic sex partner (I Corinthians 7:1-5). Therefore, those that sinned before marriage must renew their minds (Romans 12:1-2). First, recognize that God will happily forgive any sin (I John 1:9). Second, each time you associate or remember your pre-marital sin, set it aside and think on good things (Philippians 4:8). Third, frequently thank God for the gift of married sex, and rejoice in His designs for it: Proverbs 5:18-19; Hebrews 13:4; I Corinthians 7:1-5. This is God’s will for you.
#3 is still taught to many young girls. I was raised to believe that sex is ok in marriage, but that it is sinful outside of it… That in itself if good, but the other messages I received are more on the lines of sex is dirty, its for porn stars, etc… I was “slut shamed” byt my mother even though I was still a virgin! I am now nearly 38 years old, been with my husband for 16 years, and still struggle with this. I enjoy our sex life, but many times feel guilty about it.
To Anonymous poster above.. I recommend that you read a blog called “the Forgiven wife” maybe try to get your wife to read it too… She speaks to women and men about denying their spouse sex and what it does. Keep praying and persuing your wife… learn her love language… seek christian counseling.. it will get better!
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Why does it seem that one of the two will have an enormous (don’t even think it…) sexual appetite, or libido; while the other has zero to no libido? I tried for 40 years to be patiently teaching, but still I feel like the loneliest married man in the world.