Do you avoid sex in your marriage?
Do you make excuses to kick it off the radar quickly?
Do you love everything about your marriage… except the sex?
Do you just go through the motions — even faking orgasm — to get sex over with quickly?
Suffice to say, when someone like me blogs about sex, I hear from a lot of people who don’t like it. And I hear from plenty of people who are beyond frustrated because their spouse doesn’t like it.
Sure, there are often complex reasons behind a person disliking (or even hating) sex. I get that.
Maybe that’s why I’m so passionate about continually digging into this topic further — not only to better understand sexual intimacy in marriage, but also to speak hope into desperately lonely and confusing places.
There is no quick fix answer that is going to work in every situation, but I offer up these 3 things to do now if you don’t like sex:
1. Figure. Out. Why.
I know. Seems obvious that this would be a good place to start, right? If you don’t like sex, figure out why.
But for some people, it is not obvious. That’s not a character flaw. It’s the truth.
Let’s face it — we’ve all been through crap in our lives and sometimes the scars and rationalizations that resulted are deep and skewed. Sometimes we feel like collateral damage from stuff that happened long ago, and we don’t know how to dig ourselves out of that.
We are horribly confused and exhausted.
But — and this is an important but — if you are married and you don’t like sex, you have to give it your best shot to figure out why. You have to (at least if you care about your spouse and want to give your marriage a fighting chance).
If you don’t like sex, figure out why and resolve to do something about it. Be courageous.
2. Go to the One who created sex.
Yup. If you don’t like sex, my guess is it is partly because you haven’t been listening to the Lord enough and you HAVE been listening too much to a few of His misguided followers. (Oh, don’t even get me started about the damage done by some people in the church, particularly some Christian women, who have painted sex as gross, obligatory, duty, etc. Heartbeaking.)
Anyway, time to go to the source. If you don’t believe me, dig into your Bible thoroughly. Here’s the crash course of what you will find in His Word: God says sex in marriage is good and right and holy and sacred. It is to be pursued, savored and thoroughly enjoyed.
NEVER does He say it is for procreation only. NEVER does He say sexual pleasure within the exclusivity of your marriage is a bad thing. And NEVER does He say that sex is a fringe benefit — an optional “extra” that you can take off the table or put on the table at whim.
(Did I create a little visual there with that table analogy? Not sure if I should say “I’m sorry about that” or “You’re welcome.”)
Our Lord is a sexy God. All the good sex in the Bible? It’s happening between a husband and a wife who appreciate the gift it is.
One of the best forms of worship within a marriage happens when a husband and wife mutually value and protect time to live out their oneness sexually. Go God.
3. Talk to your spouse.
Your “Come to Jesus” moment may actually be the prelude to your “Come to Your Spouse” moment.
I don’t know your circumstances, your back story, your ups, your downs.
I don’t know the idiosyncrasies of the story you’ve knit with the person who put a ring on your finger.
I certainly don’t know if there is deep pain that’s been lobbed from both sides — or maybe even deeper betrayals committed behind closed doors.
I don’t know if there was a time when sex was amazing between the two of you. And I don’t know if small slights, rogue calendars, isolated agendas and whiney little people in your house have completely sabotaged sex with the person you lay next to each night.
I. Don’t. Know.
What I do know is that if you want sex to look better, healthier, more pleasurable and more frequent, ya gotta talk about sex with that person you do life with.
Are there guarantees they will respond positively? Well, the short answer is no. Life generally lacks the guarantees we hunger for most.
But the long answer is that you stand a fighting chance of getting to healthier sexual intimacy in your marriage if you at least get all the cards on the table.
(There I go again with that “table” analogy. I swear. We’ve never done it on a table.)
So there you have it — 3 things you can do NOW if you don’t like sex. The only question hanging out there is, “Will you?”
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Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
10 thoughts on “3 Things to Do NOW If You Don’t Like Sex”
I would add one to the list– consider your hormones!! Birth control is a real sex drive killer for me because it shifts my hormones too much. (Unfortunately, I’m still working on a way to remedy that.) Thyroid disorders and any hormone-based health disorders can also make sex no fun because your body won’t turn on. So if you don’t enjoy sex, consider if your medications/health disorders might be causing problems– and then seek a doctor’s help on how to fix it.
SEB – Considering hormones falls under Category 1: Figure out why. 🙂
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Another thing that is very important is just to “have sex anyway” (desire is unreliable and fickle) and do it consistently as often as your wife or husband will be willing. Fear can be pushed through and is a horrible master. If it is painful see a doctor or better still a good midwife as she will be more knowledgeable about this than most doctors. If you have pain look up the o-shot a very safe procedure that is very simple and find practitioner in your area that will do it for you. Also read the book “Just do it” not from a christian perspective, but very informative about the importance of having sex whether you feel like it or not and how it is important to having close marriage.
I’m not sure I agree with have sex anyway even if I don’t feel like it. A person could be used that way & resentment built up with possible explosion that does not end well. Each situation needs to be examined & weighed on its own.
After years of “having sex anyway” and hating it and praying myself through it and crying (my husband didn’t know) through it. My very loving husband and I took a sabbatical for almost 4 years. Getting therapy for many years has not helped. It all comes down to my body…I hate it and can’t change how I feel about it.
Jean, I am so sorry that you hate your body. Is there anything that you love about your body? Maybe you can start there and build on that. I am just trying to help.
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Thank you for this advice. It was hard to talk to my husband but I did it and now we have been able to work some things out, I’m hopeful and believe God wants our relationship to grow to a deeper level of communication and intimacy.
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