marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Has Your Husband Stopped Initiating Sex?
Dec
It wasn’t until he stopped initiating that it occurred to her something could be wrong.
And it wasn’t that she was necessarily concerned he was “getting it elsewhere” (although, she knew that wasn’t such a far-fetched possibility, if statistics told her anything.)
Even so, him no longer initiating sex did have her thinking. Wondering if indeed her marriage was what she had always envisioned a marriage to be.
Wondering if it was what he envisioned it would be.
Anyway. He had stopped initiating sex with her.
And now she began to recall all those times she avoided sex. Came up with excuses as to why they couldn’t make love. Made him feel guilty for even attempting.
All those times she pulled away from his touch when he crawled in bed. And the times she even snapped at him when he wanted to get in the shower with her. Convinced herself that he was selfish and insensitive for ever wanting it in the first place.
And what about those times she was too tired for sex? Yes, there were times she was exhausted. No doubt about it.
But she was often plenty awake to tend to the kids’ needs, church activities and her favorite TV shows. She vaguely remembers him pointing that out. Something about him always being last (or never) on her “list.”
Yes, him not initiating anymore really had her thinking now.
She almost cried when she considered the irony.
Him no longer initiating meant she had arrived at what she implied she wanted — no more sex. But she felt anything but victorious.
She felt empty.
There was a chasm between them that she couldn’t quite name. Couldn’t quite put her finger on. But it stirred just beneath the surface nonetheless.
They did life. They exchanged pleasantries. They moved through their own agendas and managed to keep things functioning.
Kids got fed. Bills got paid. Birthdays got planned. Lawns got mowed.
If there was tension — and in moments of brutal honesty, she could not deny there was — she simply rationalized it away.
“We’re tired.”
“We’re busy.”
“This is what happens to all married couples.”
It had been a long time — a long time since he last initiated. So long that she couldn’t recall with any clarity the last time they made love. It was hazy at best. And “going through the motions” for sure.
She recalled feeling relieved at first when he stopped initiating. She finally could stop feeling anxious about sex.
But now. Now she started to wonder.
Did she have a hand in the collateral damage in their relationship? Were they really as close as everyone else viewed them to be?
It felt like forever since they had done anything alone together.
He stopped initiating sex. And in a way, they both stopped initiating everything.
He stopped initiating sex.
And now? She felt anything but victorious.
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After trying for nearly 35 years, I have basically stopped initiating. Too many rejections over the years. However my wife is not comfortable with initiating (she has told me this). So she will give me hints that she is open to sex (once every 2 months now). She has told me during one of our discussions on sex that my strong sexual drive is a weakness to overcome. I love my wife. She is a wonderful Christian woman though and I am fully committed in my marriage (until death do us part).
Wow. I am that husband. The pain of constant rejection is crippling. Sadly I have never ever heard a sermon on this. Rejection of your spouse sexually, should be named as sin. A deadly sin that is straight from the pit of satans hell. When a wife stops having sex with her husband, what is a godly mans option. Porn! Divorce? Adultery? How many men have fallen into sin, because of the ungodliness of sexual rejection by their wife?
The christians are neglecting one of the greatest evangelism tools ever. Married sex. Unbelievers should envy christian men for their sexual satisfaction and intimacy with their wives. Because their marriage demonstrates the love of Christ. Unfortunately Islam is the obvious option for men who want to have married sex. Unlimited sex, and the wives have no say in the matter. Obviously not as fulfilling as a willing enthusiastic partner, but Satan does provide the counterfeit.
@TheWaterBoy Langley’s description of Stage 1 brings back some vivid memories. She nails it, as far as the feelings I had. I would say that once that stage or cycle begins, it becomes more and more powerful with each passing day.
I think a lot of women would feel most loved if there were no need for sex with their husbands. Men tend to need sex to feel loved, and for many women, sex makes them feel anything but loved. Sad truths. I pray the new year brings some healthy change for you and your wife.
In my case,I got tired of initiating because a lot of times when I do,which is most of the time, this might sound embarrasing, he falls asleep! So i just stop what im doing to him and try to sleep.but it really hurts me..I stopped initiating and he doesn’t either.. I don’t remember the last time we had sex..am I doing the right thing?I know I have to talk to him about it..but it’s so hard..need some expert advise please
Reba:
Re: “I think a lot of women would feel most loved if there were no need for sex with their husbands. Men tend to need sex to feel loved, and for many women, sex makes them feel anything but loved”.
That sounds so true. I think there is more than not wanting to have sex at play here.
I have a friend whose christian wife wanted nothing but to be a wife and homemaker – and then after having children went out partying, getting tattoos and moving on with other men.
It seems that women are so liberated – and it the ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ scenario – where women wake up one day and say “I do not want to be married anymore!”
Why is it so that many women so eager to get a guy to commit to marriage, have the great husband, the house, the kids – and then so unhappy several years later?
As a husband, I don’t envy our wives. What we men are looking for is not an action… (more sex)… but rather a *feeling*… more desire. We want to feel wanted, and Liesl makes a point: a woman can’t generate desire if she constantly feels shamed and guilty for her lack of desire. I fear that, by openly and honestly sharing my heart with my wife, (without judgment), all I have accomplished is to make her feel guilty for something she feels she can’t control or influence… a low libido. Then we read in Jeff and Shaunti’s “For Men Only” that, “when it comes to sex, her ‘no’ doesn’t mean you.” And, yet, if her ‘no’ doesn’t mean us, then neither does her ‘yes’; you can’t have one without the other. If we want to take credit for turning her on, we also have to take the blame for turning her off. So, our only hope, it seems, is to abandon all hope. Our efforts to create desire repeatedly fail, and she is happy to accept her hormonal decline as normal and unavoidable. So, we give up… or rather, we learn to accept those things we can’t change. In love for our wives, we learn to accept them as they are… low libido and all. That means we stop initiating sex, not (just) because it’s futile, but because, as Andrea points out, that’s what they want. We learn other ways to love our wives as Christ loved the church, regardless of whether she responds with the sexual desire we crave. Perhaps this is part of the very self-denial that Jesus constantly preached.
@anonymous – Your wife may be a wonderful christian woman, but she has no idea what shes talking about when it comes to biblical Christian marriage.
I’m sorry its so tough bro.
LS
e2 says: And, yet, if her ‘no’ doesn’t mean us, then neither does her ‘yes’; you can’t have one without the other. If we want to take credit for turning her on, we also have to take the blame for turning her off.
You make a strong point from a logical perspective. There were times when my “no” had nothing to do with my husband. Rather there were too many other demands on my time and energy and because I am wired differently than he, sex was not something I desired. But there were also times when my “no” had much to do with my husband. Not only did I not want to have sex with him, I didn’t want to be married to him or even live in the same vicinity.
As far as taking the credit or the blame, we both played parts in our situation. The same is true today. Me being turned on or off can be affected by his words and actions and also by my attitudes and decisions.
Does my saying “yes” to sex mean I’m saying “yes” to my husband? It does, but perhaps differently than a husband might hope for or imagine. My “yes” means I understand he needs sex with me to feel loved and accepted. It means I understand he needs sex to feel physically well and at peace. It means I understand he needs sex before he can focus on an intimate conversation with me.
Should it accomplish those same things for me? I don’t think so. And we should be okay with that because that is God’s design. Perhaps this is a better way of seeing how husbands love their wives as Christ loves the church. Not by giving up sex, but by understanding women are created differently and embracing those differences.
The Water Boy says: Why is it so that many women so eager to get a guy to commit to marriage, have the great husband, the house, the kids – and then so unhappy several years later?
I am no expert and can only speak from my own experience. I married because I thought I was supposed to get married and I didn’t think I could support myself financially. In other words, I married to meet others’ expectations of me and out of fear. Some women are fulfilled with husband, home and children. Others have additional or different callings. If we do not honor those, we suffer. Not to mention the many, many confusing and conflicting messages we hear about our bodies, our femininity, our sexuality.
I believe that women who know they can support themselves financially are more likely to marry for the right reasons.
Reba, thank you for your comments. I have learned much about an honest female’s approach to sex. I would only add one comment. You said that you understand how your husband needs sex to feel loved and accepted and at peace. I think that is only partially right. We not only need sex (or “it” as I think you earlier put it), but we need to know we are desired sexually. Like you, my wife understands my need for sex and she is more than willing to accommodate my desires by taking care of me. And, although she is fully and powerfully orgasmic, she has also told me she has no real desire for sex, and that she could live happily the rest of her life without it. She says she wants to keep me satisfied, but she refuses to hear me when I tell her that my satisfaction is tied to *her* pleasure and desire. Song of Solomon begins with the *bride* saying, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth,” an expression of her desire. Those are words that would never cross my wife’s mind, let alone her lips; she has no desire to be kissed, but she’ll do it to keep me satisfied. We men have been repeatedly told that a woman’s love and emotions are responsive, so we measure our success as husbands by our wife’s emotional response… and we measure our wife’s emotional response by her physical desire. That’s why your husband boasts when you receive pleasure; at that moment, he feels sexually fulfilled and, more importantly, like a marital success. And, that is why we husbands tend to blame ourselves when our wives lose interest in sex. And, quite honestly, I prefer it that way. When she says her “no” isn’t about me, then I feel hopeless, as if there’s nothing I can do to correct the problem (and it *is* a problem). So, yes, I find myself not initiating even at times when I’m starving for physical affection, only because I know she’s not interested. In an earlier post, you said that women say “no” to choose safety over vulnerability. That’s exactly why a man stops initiating. I can’t be rejected if I don’t initiate. I can still love her in other ways, hoping that she will respond with sexual desire, but to avoid the pain, I have chosen to stoically avoid putting myself in a position to be put in pain.
e2 says: “When she says her “no” isn’t about me, then I feel hopeless, as if there’s nothing I can do to correct the problem (and it *is* a problem). ”
Hopeless is how I felt/feel about my husband’s inability to NOT notice another attractive woman. To acknowledge it has nothing to do with me means I am irrelevant to the situation. Whether he lusts after another woman is up to him. I have no control over it. And as a husband might feel he’d rather have no sex than pity sex, I felt I would rather be alone than be inadequate.
e2 also says: “I can’t be rejected if I don’t initiate.” I would think “he has less power to hurt me if we are not bonded and connected by sex.”
and e2 says: “We men have been repeatedly told that a woman’s love and emotions are responsive, so we measure our success as husbands by our wife’s emotional response… and we measure our wife’s emotional response by her physical desire.” We woman have been told that our sexual response should not be driven by our emotions, that our love is to be given unconditionally. I hear you saying that if I express sexual desire for my husband, he is likely to translate that as everything is fine with us and our relationship. Furthermore, he is likely to take credit for it.
Thinking about the cycle implied by some comments above:
Her sexual response reflects her happiness with him and their marriage
Her happiness reflects his ability to provide
His ability to provide reflects his competence in the workplace
His competence in the workplace reflects his self-worth
His self-worth fuels his confidence
His confidence fuels his ability to provide
His ability to provide fuels her happiness
Her happiness fuels her sexual response
Her sexual response reflects her happiness….
And around and around we go
Is this kind of dependence on another person healthy? Should a wife have so much power over her husband and his sense of self-worth?
My happiness on any given day may have nothing, little, much, or all to do with my husband and our marriage. Perhaps I aced an exam, or got a big raise, or a significant promotion, or found out the lump in my breast is not cancer. Same goes for unhappiness. I may have failed the exam, gotten fired, or learned the lump is indeed cancer.
Reba says: “We woman have been told that our sexual response should not be driven by our emotions, that our love is to be given unconditionally.”
Oh my, I’m so sorry if you have been told that. I certainly hope I have not conveyed that to my wife.
I sense you and I may both be operating under some half-understandings. I want to believe that I am fully responsible for my wife’s sexual response or lack thereof when in reality, as you rightly point out, her response is often as much about other forces beyond my control. To some extent, her “no” isn’t about me, as much as I don’t like hearing that.
Likewise, I believe you may be only half right about love being unconditional. Yes, the unselfish “agape” love of the will is unconditional. It is the love Jesus commands us to have for all people, by which we serve their needs regardless of how we may feel emotionally. It is the same love Jesus commands us to have for our enemies, people we don’t even like. But, that is far different from the passionate (and, yes, very selfish) “eros” love we have for our spouses. If I may be so bold, erotic love is *very* emotional and also somewhat conditional. I earlier quoted the bride in the Song of Solomon. The full quote is “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine.” Her desire to be kissed was (at least partly) in response to his love. So, yes, sexual love *is* conditional, responsive, and emotional. You are right to be turned off emotionally and sexually by your husband’s alcohol breath and roving eye. To attempt to manufacture a sexual response in the presence of such emotions can only create conflict in your soul. I would think that it would only cause you to resent sex that much more.
The last thing I want is for my wife to engage in sex solely out of an unselfish sense of unconditional agape love. I want (need) her eros, a very conditional and emotional response to what I hope are loving actions on my part. And, yet, through this blog and your comments, I acknowledge that her erotic love may be affected by forces beyond our marriage. This is where I believe agape love comes in. In her sense of unconditional agape love, she can choose to pursue thoughts, attitudes, and behavior that may have a positive effect on her sexual emotions. In my unconditional love love for her, I can choose to not feel hurt when her hormones aren’t as raging as mine.
Perhaps there’s hope yet. Thank you for sharing openly and candidly. You have helped me process a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings.
Reba asks: Is this kind of dependence on another person healthy? Should a wife have so much power over her husband and his sense of self-worth?
Ah, the age old question. Life would be so much easier if we didn’t need other people. So much easier if other people didn’t affect the way we feel. But, that’s not the way God designed it. “It is not good for the man to be alone,” he declared. I don’t think God created Eve to cook his meals or wash his clothes (what clothes?) I believe she was created to touch him emotionally, to give him that boost of confidence that he so desperately needed. So, yes that means Eve has enormous power over Adam, and Adam over Eve. We have this ability to lift up, to empower, and along with it, to tear down and destroy. You can’t have one without the other. Perhaps you aced the exam *because* your husband kissed you for luck and told you how hot you looked. Perhaps your husband got the promotion *because* of the great sex you had that morning. When it all goes well, we embrace it and rejoice; when it doesn’t, we wonder why it has to be this way. I often feel the same way; I wish my sense of well-being wasn’t so tied to how my wife feels about me. But, if I disconnect my emotions from her, then we are less than mere friends; we are only roommates; business partners. Ugh, I hate even thinking about it. So, yes, I’ll take her power over my self-worth, and continue to work hard at understanding how I have power over hers, to make sure she never feels inadequate.
@e2 Likewise, you have helped me understand myself and my husband a bit better.
As far as conflict in my soul, I did experience that when I first returned to the bedroom after several years of no sex. Had I waited to work through and heal my emotions first so that I could desire him the way you describe, we would still be in a sexless marriage.
In some ways, the regular sexual activity opened the doors to conversation which helped begin my healing process. There were times I sobbed during and/or afterward, but I was determined my husband would not continue to suffer because I had issues. I trusted that my emotions would follow my behavior. It has been a painful road, but one worth traveling.
@e2 We were created to live in community and are called to lift up, build up, and encourage one another. But we also have responsibility to care for ourselves and create healthy boundaries. We affect one another and contribute to the other’s sense of worth, but should be careful how we use our power to influence and how we allow others to influence us. We are not called to dominate or manipulate nor are we called to allow someone to mistreat us.
If I ace a test, it is because I invested time and effort preparing and knew the material. Not because my husband did or said anything. Likewise, I cannot blame anyone other than myself if I fail the exam. If he is promoted, it is because he deserves the promotion based on his work performance, not because we had sex that morning.
e2 mentions needing his wife’s Eros (sexual desire). I understand that, generally speaking, a man’s sex drive can be so strong he may have difficulty experiencing the other parts of the relationship or expressing other kinds of affection until that need is met consistently. Further, he is able to have just one “box” in his brain open at one time, so even if there is a major life event going on that affects his emotions overall, he is able to close that “box” and open the sex “box.” Lastly, he feels physical desire consistently, with the exception of the early part of the refractory period after sexual release.
Women are more likely to have trouble “finding” their sex drive or desire because all parts of life are prominent for them. In fact, it is not uncommon for ALL the “boxes” to be open ALL the time. And women often feel desire AFTER arousal. So for a wife to initiate sex or respond to her husband’s bid for sexual intimacy out of Agape love may not be uncommon. She knows that Eros is just around the corner, following arousal.
e2 has somewhat solved the mystery of why men feel confident in all areas of life when their sex life is fulfilling. A sexually responsive wife = happy wife = successful husband. If sex is good, he believes wife is happy and that he caused that happiness.
I would caution husbands against insisting their wives only engage in sex when they feel all is well in the relationship. Given our talent for a broad range of emotions on a given day (hour), frequency might very well decrease rapidly.
While I would never want to diminish the power of one’s own hard work in acing an exam or getting a promotion, the support of a loving spouse can be very helpful and influential. Perhaps “because” is too strong of a word, but I know that I am much more confident in all areas of life when I know my wife wants me sexually. It’s no coincidence that successful, powerful men tend to have active sex lives while depressed men don’t.
@Reba said, “And women often feel desire AFTER arousal.” I’ve heard this enough that I have to believe it’s true, and certainly my own marriage bears it out. But, here’s the catch-22 for us guys. Because my wife only feels desire *after* arousal, she actively resists any attempt on my part to arouse her. Even though she knows its pleasurable; even though she knows Eros is just around the corner, she pushes me away because she’s not yet aroused. She doesn’t enjoy the types of foreplay that would tend to arouse, such as playful flirting, light kissing and touching. And, this is where I feel hopeless and like a failure as a lover. I am unable to arouse her because she has no desire until she’s aroused, and without desire, she doesn’t want to get aroused.
I’ve also heard about the open boxes (or windows) that women wrestle with. But, in my experience, the boxes tend to immediately fly open right when I’m trying to make love. At other times, during other activities, my wife can concentrate with the best of them without the distractions of life. But, as soon as I start kissing her, distractions pour in. I appreciate the reality of the female brain, but I honestly think my wife subconsciously exaggerates it during love-making. I end up getting frustrated because no matter how many boxes we close, more pop open. Unfortunately, my frustration shows, making love-making that much less attractive to her.
While I never embraced the delusion of a trouble-free marriage, I did go into it with high aspirations like everyone else. With Jesus on our side, everything was going to be fine. We got married way too fast, and regardless of what the chick flicks profess, that can have dire consequences. Things were rocky but okay the first few years. I read the books, I listened to the sermons, I prayed, I hoped, I served our Lord, I tried to learn from my mistakes, I went to counseling, I provided a good steady income and insurance, I paid the bills, I was affectionate without expecting sex, I made and gave surprise gifts, I planned date nights, I did chores inside and outside, I pursued her sexually and often, I communicated my innermost self, I learned to listen better, I worked diligently at finding common hobbies. I had successes and failures, but at least I would try. I worked at changing me, because I knew even then that I was the only one I could change. And an improved me should equate to an improved marriage relationship, or so they say. There’s a nauseating amount of “I’s” in all of that, something as a reader on the outside I’d quickly zero in on and probably discredit.
But one day reality grabbed me by the throat and stared me down. If “I” didn’t put forth the energy and effort into “us,” there wasn’t much of an “us” happening. She was happy to respond to me, but rarely ever did anything to reciprocate. When our first kid arrived, things really took a turn for the worse. She had all kinds of energy and time and effort to devote to becoming a great mother (and she is a great mother). But where was all that before our son entered the scene? As time passed by, I would joke that our son was treated more like a “husband” than me. Like any good joke, there was a degree of truth to it. But inside, I was devastated. I couldn’t shake feeling of being unloved and unwanted. I tried telling myself only Jesus could really meet that need, but that’s easier said than done when you’re married. I decided to press on, making the same efforts towards “us” while trying to learn to be a good and attentive dad. Fast forward a couple of years. We had a second child added to the mix, things were going well on the parental front, but considerably worse on the “us” front (aside from a few highs here and there). Efforts to communicate my frustrations received little more than a sympathetic ear and a promise to change. Reality had me in its grasp again, seeming to mock me and my desire for a mutually intimate marriage. I loved my son and daughter dearly, and thankfully did not resent them for the affections and attention they so easily warranted from my wife. But I resented her for making me feel like little more than a dutiful roommate and ATM.
Who can’t fill in the next part of the story? Right around that time, I met someone at work through a freak chain of events. It was the perfect storm. All of a sudden, someone was attracted to me for me. Someone wanted to have fun with me. Someone was open and communicative with me. Someone put time and energy into me. Someone challenged me. Someone received my attention and genuinely longed for it. Someone was sexually aggressive towards me. Someone was into “us.” And someone didn’t sit around waiting for me to initiate and do. Someone didn’t have to be prodded or coaxed. And it was like a proverbial first hit of heroin. Morals and Jesus-walk and all of that other crap be damned, I thought. I loved it. And I went after it with fervor. I put one hand around reality’s throat, and with the other I gave him the middle finger. Of course, within about a month the music got louder and more dissonant. I got found out. My house of cards came tumbling down. So much for the good life. Yet, somehow I felt relieved. The double life had taken one hell of a toll on me in terms of stress. It turned out my single digit salute didn’t faze reality in the slightest.
And then a really strange thing happened. Actually, several strange things happened. Even though I was sorry for hurting her and lying and a laundry list of other things, I still expected to get tossed to the curb. I braced myself for the horrors of divorce, single parenting, custody issues, financial ruin and providing for a single, stay at home mom with two kids. I was instead transported to the Twilight Zone. After the initial confrontation and agreeing to call it quits with the femme fatale at work, the following month was unlike anything I’d ever experienced with my wife, including the time before we were married. She immediately became that someone who was interested in us. All of a sudden she was communicating on a daily basis beyond her typical small talk and events pertaining to the kids. All of a sudden she was sexually aggressive. I mean, in a way she had never been, even before we were married. She wanted to do things together and be my true companion. She made me feel like a real husband. We were both so thankful. This was a mutually awesome thing. It went on for a couple of weeks. I told her that I sincerely hated how it came about, but after seven years of being together I was glad we were both finally on the same page. She agreed. She proved she could be more than willing and able to step up to the plate and put effort into “us.” And life was good, real good, for about one month.
As soon as she felt secure in her old world again and free of competition, the party quickly and quietly faded into oblivion. If college taught me anything, it’s that I’m a slow learner. It took me a long time to put my finger on it, but I finally figured it out. My wife wasn’t motivated by love to step out of her shell and comfort zone and direct her attention and affections towards “us.” She was motivated by jealousy, fear and desperation. Nobody can deny that those are very powerful motivators, but they don’t run the course.
Fast forward another thirteen years and here we are, except our children are teenagers. They provide tons of wonderful, meaningful distractions to a marriage. But they’re also old enough to give back some precious free time, since they’re more able to fend for themselves. If I put energy and effort into “us” both in and out of the bedroom, my wife is still enthusiastic and responsive. If I don’t, our relationship comes to a grinding, lifeless halt. In my mind it likens to some twisted form of earthly-hyper-calvinism (which repulses me). Is she unable to do anything towards “us” without me having to put it there first? Well, sure, so long as there’s a strong dose of jealously, fear and/or desperation involved. But who wants that kind of love? So I must accept that she is either too lazy to love me beyond lip service, or not really in love with me but rather the cozy life I’ve worked so hard to provide for her for nearly two decades. Regardless, I’ll keep weathering the storm, at least until the kids are off on their own. Because once her other “husbands” have flown the coup, it will be too late to right this ship. I maintain a sliver of hope, but I’m not holding my breath anymore.
XN Perhaps you should print this and share it with your wife. Ask her to go to counseling with you. If she won’t go, you should go anyway. If she agrees, keep going regularly until death parts you.
@e2 I wish I had more to offer than I have already shared. I see myself when you describe your wife. If I could speak face to face with her, I would urge her to let you love her the way you need to. If her lack of desire is just that and only that, meaning there are no underlying issues, then she is being cruel and manipulative. If there are underlying issues, she needs to address them and involve you in that process when appropriate.
No marriage is perfect for we live in a broken world. When I reach the end of this earthly life, I want to know I did my part to love my husband. I promised before God, family and friends to be his loving and faithful wife and to treat him with tenderness and respect and to encourage him to develop God’s gifts within him. Refusing sex undermines all of that.
it was October 2012 when I stopped initiation. Haven’t had sex since. She proudly announced to our therapist that she never refuses! True. She knows the Bible by golly! Who would want to have sex with someone who just lies motionless and does not touch you at all. Its less painful just going cold turkey than feeling the pain of a completely unenthusiastic uninterested wife. How sad. I have given up.
Wow, this thread has generated a lot of responses. I pray for the husbands and wives who are hurting in this area as well as I read over the many comments and responses. I pray for healing for these hurting spouses and hurting marriages.
Maybe I am just becoming numb or getting used to the idea of a sexless marriage. It hasn’t always been this way, but 2015 hasn’t started out all that great in the intimacy area. We are getting along well, communicating well, but yes, my husband has stopped initiating and it concerns me. I know it’s his health. He has ED and doesn’t want to go to the doctor. He says he is on enough pills for this and that and he is concerned about side effects. I do get this, understand, and support him. I miss the connection and closeness. He doesn’t want to do anything other than snuggling/cuddling, but I am grateful for at least some affection and that he is not totally ice cold with me. He mentioned a few years back when we were going through some hard times that he felt I pressured him in the area of sex. Didn’t mean to make him feel “pressured”, just a wife wanting and desiring to be close and connected to her husband. I wish he was willing to get some good Christian counseling in this area, but I sense he is ashamed due to his health problems. It makes me really sad on one hand. He doesn’t want to please me anymore. Again, thankful he is not totally ice cold to me and that he is still somewhat affection, but I do miss the sex and closeness that only sex brings. Praying for all of those hurting in this area with either spouses who refuse for whatever reason or whatever the issues are.
Frank (Dec 18th)
Thanks for the very personal reply! Sorry for my late reply!
The thing is, I have brought this up now twice and both times it has essentially been dismissed by my wife. I have also discussed it with a good friend from church (elder) and he has been very upset about it (on my behalf) and even tried to get his wife (who is a good friend of my wife) to talk to her about it.
But still nothing has come of it. No response from my wife, no acknowledgement of the problem. No acknowledgement that there is even a problem.
I had a conversation with a bloke who is one half of another couple in our church who have no kids and consequently are the “super-spiritual” double income no hassles types who can spend all their time on spiritually minded things without the hassles of family life and trying to hold finances together. I was told by him that this is a problem with me, that I just need to “pray more” and be more spiritual and God will sort it out. Thanks. That’s really helpful… like I haven’t tried that for the last 8 years….
He also said that “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but your wife is so helpful and giving of her time in the church”… insinuating that I’m somehow some kind of a lesser person because I have to work during the day and my wife has her days free to contribute more time to the church. Well excuse me for trying to provide for my family Mr & Mrs. Double Income No Kids.
I’m thinking that my wife likes the idea of marriage but isn’t really interested in the physical side. Even hugs and cuddles are out the window now. It’s devastating for me because I need that kind of stuff. I didn’t get married to become celibate or just to have a room mate.
I am however kind of resigning and reconciling myself to the fact that this is never going to change. And what can I really do about it? You can’t change someone. They first have to acknowledge that there is a problem and that they are a major contributor to the problem.
One of the side effects is that I find myself just tuning out now from things that my wife wants to do because hey, why bother? She obviously can’t be bothered on the sexual/physical side anymore so why should I be bothered about things that interest her? I’ve had 8 years now of sexual neglect and indifference, all the while whilst trying my best to provide for my family (often in difficult circumstances).
I’ve also moved halfway around the world, given up all the family and friends that I grew up with and am now left in a nether world of constant work to provide and essentially zero friends because there just isn’t the time anymore to make the connections. I’ve had more meaningful conversation with one of my friends from my home country in the last 2 months than I’ve had with the locals in the last 2 years. It’s kind of depressing.
She’s talking about where we might go for our 15th anniversary this year and I just think to myself, well what’s the point? We are roommates now because YOU have chosen to just disconnect yourself from the physical aspects of marriage. I’d rather actually spend a weekend taking our kids somewhere fun and interesting because at least I’d feel some connection with them.
I am not the perfect husband by any stretch but I am trying to do the right/best thing most of the time. It feels like a betrayal, because I was faithful in virginity before getting married and stuck to the ideal that sex with only my wife would be something wonderful that we could treasure for the rest of our lives and would elicit some kind of blessing on our marriage. It really feels like a bait-and-switch on God’s part. But I know it’s not God’s fault. My wife has to take the responsibility in this and acknowledge the problem. But she’s too busy doing church stuff or having coffee with her mates/mom or watching netflix or playing candy crush. It’s devastating.
I just don’t get how someone can arrange all sorts of things for church and be involved with all sorts of “good works” and still not “get it”, that she is essentially destroying her marriage and the intimacy there used to be.
This is not the life I wanted to live. But I cannot change my wife. She needs to reach that realisation herself.
Oh we “get along” fine, like good roommates. But I wanted a wife, not a roommate. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I leave it in God’s hands now and try and get along with my life as best as possible.
If I sound bitter in parts, then yes, I guess I am in some ways. I felt like I’ve been sold a lie… an ideal that doesn’t actually exist.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. Prayers much appreciated.
DH.
The way I deal with it is to not expect her to change. I’ve had all the tough, painful, open, and honest communications one can have, over the course of about six or seven years since she froze over. It’s a total waste of time. If I want sex, I have to leave our marriage. If I want our marriage, I have to give up sex. Gee, which is the less catastrophic choice?
I’m disappointed, yes, but in no way feel remorseful though maybe I should. Sure, sex in marriage was the biggest lie I’ve ever been told and I, like a lot of decent men, were stupid and naive enough to expect it. But that’s water under the bridge isn’t it.
I now work out regularly and in great shape. May as well, since being around her isn’t going to do anything positive for me physically. I’ve rekindled a few hobbies that I had given up. I now have those back in my life. I work hard and am successful in business. I’m actually living a pretty good bachelor life, though I am stuck in a marriage and have four mouths to feed aside from myself. I do it. It’s my duty. I’m like an ox plowing the field.
The good thing about giving up is that you no longer have to worry about getting to the point of simply giving up. You’re there. Life goes on. it’s just not the life you wanted or expected.
It’s in her hands and in God’s hands, not mine. I never wanted to believe that, and fought hard to change mysel, change her, change our relationship. Absolute and utter waste of time, all of it. But I had to do it for this to really sink in: sex is over. Now that I know that, for real, I can get on with my life and stop waiting for her.
DH
“But still nothing has come of it. No response from my wife, no acknowledgement of the problem. No acknowledgement that there is even a problem”.
Your wife knows that there is a problem, but because her sin is ‘passive’ she will not feel that it is as wrong as say catching you having an affair or looking at pornography.
What I am thinking is that many women:
1) Wanted a wedding – not to be married.
2) Do not know what they really want – yet they think that they know what they are missing (hence the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey).
3) Are comfortable to deny their husband of sex – but will have romantic and sexual desires for other men. (I read a women’s advice column in a magazine that that is “natural for them to desire the young Barista at the local cafe … long after (you) will want to stop having sex with your husband!”. (As if this is natural and acceptable – go figure!).
4) Want you to be a S.N.A.G (‘Sensitive New Age Guy*’), to help with the housework and takes-over many of the traditional roles held by women.
5) Become insecure and are subconsciously repulsed and disrespectful of their acquiescent husband when they become a S.N.A.G!.
6) Are not happy with their God-given submissive role (see Gen 3:16b) and will use ‘subtle feminine wiles’ to test and control their husband using all the levers available to them (including denial of sexual favours).
7) Deep down yearn for their husband to respond to the test and to stand his ground, push back and to assert his authority – as they will find security and be attractive when the husband “man’s up”.
As tough as it is – maybe men need to draw a line in the sand and provide the wife with an ultimatum – be prepared to leave if things do not change.
After all, denial of sex in marriage is after all a form of passive adultery and domestic abuse. It WILL ultimately lead a man into temptation.
(Would not a woman leave a man who refused to take on his responsibility to look after her needs and go to work to do his best to support her?).
So I’m a man who was in a similar situation to alot of the men posting here. My wife and I have been married for going on 12 years. Our sex life was pretty good prior to marriage. I mean, not the quantity I wanted, but at least I was having pretty good sex a couple times a week. After baby #1 our sex frequency went to 1-2 times per week. Instead of having it a solid 2 times per week, it went down to most weeks were only 1 time per week with only a few 2 times per week thrown in. After baby #2 it got even worse. I was lucky to make love with my wife 1 time per week. Going 2 weeks without sex was now not uncommon. It wasn’t from my lack of so called trying though. We’d get the kids off to bed, sit down in front of the tv, and I’d nervously ask if she wanted to make love tonight. More times than not I got a simple no, or and excuse. I was getting very frustrated. We were becoming simple roommates raising kids together.
Then I read Ephesians Ch. 5 in the bible. Then I re-read it. I studied the heck out of that Chapter of the bible. It revealed to me that maybe I was the problem. The husband-wife relationship is compared the relationship of Jesus Christ and the Church. Jesus died for the Church. Loved the Church above all else. His whole reason for coming down and dying such a violent death was because of his love for the Church. In Ephesians Ch. 5 Paul states that we husbands are suppose to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. So was I loving my wife the way I should? The way God calls me to love her? Nope. Not even close. So I changed my whole out look on her and our marriage. Here are some of the changes I’ve made:
1) My wife is absolutely the most important thing to me in this life. (behind Jesus of course) I cherish her, and put her up on a pedestal. Her needs come even before the needs of my two children or myself.
2) I touch her not expecting sex. I noticed that the only time I was touching her was when I wanted to have sex. That had to make her feel awful. Like I only wanted sex from her. So now I make sure I touch her face when I kiss her. I touch her in the morning for a while before we get up. I rub her feet while we’re watching tv together. I try to touch her non sexually as much as I can.
3) I surprise her with small gifts and pre planned dinner dates. I get her some flowers on my way home from work. I set up a sitter so we can go get dinner together alone. I found this to be a huge deal for her. Alone time with me is very very important to her.
4) I lead her. This is probably a bit controversial, but I’ve found my wife craved it. I never made a decision on anything. My wife has a very type A personality. Because of this I had always deferred to her. Now I make all the important decision for our household. That’s not to say she doesn’t have a say, she absolutely does, but in the end I make the decision. In a way I feel like I was a teenage boy who never grew up and became a man. Turns out that even though she is a type A, the burden of solely making decisions was a great burden for her. I mean simple decisions like what we’re having for dinner. If she asks me what I want for dinner, I make sure to give her an answer.
5) When it comes to sex now, I lead in that department too. When the kids have gone to bed, instead of sitting down and nervously asking he she wants to make love tonight (an example of me giving the decision making to her), I now simply go for it confidently. If she really doesn’t want to that fine, but 90% of the time it happens.
So I would encourage some of men here to look inwardly. Are you loving and cherishing your wife the way you should? Do you put her needs above all others? Do you spend most of your time with her? I encourage you all to read Ephesians Ch. 5. My whole way of relating to my wife changed. Good luck!
btw…we’re now having sex 4-5 times per week with 2 young kids in the house. Turns out it wasn’t her like I thought. It was me!
@xn It sounds to me like your wife may be similar to mine. I suspect that she’s not lazy to put effort into “us”, but that she is a natural submissive. Submissive women crave to be led.
I stopped initiating sex because the pain of continual rejection was too much to take. I have tried not initiating before: (1) the first time was 8 months before I finally had to beg again; (2) the second time was 12 months to the day before I begged again. This is my third attempt at unwilling celibacy – 7 months and counting.
We have been married fifteen years. Before marriage we had sex 3 – 5 times a week. We got married did not have sex on the wedding night, no sex for the two week honeymoon and no sex until our first anniversary. After that, we averaged 4 times a year until we had kids (which was six years after marriage). With kids we dropped to once or twice a year at most. In every other respect, we are fine – we get along.
This time, the non-initiating is different – it is not a test. I really am too hurt to try anymore.
I stopped initiating intimacy because it became too much work, dont get me I love a challenge but being married for 16 years to an aggressive woman, there was no it’s your turn then my turn. She just stopped and all the little things I used to do to get her excited got pushed away. While having a romantic dinner I asked was anything wrong and explained that her initiating intimacy has stopped and did it become stale. She said no and that was not what she did meaning initiating intimacy. So I stopped for feeling that I was I forcing myself on my wife of 16 years. I know people change but the main ingredient that is missing is communication. Most men want the same thing most women want and that’s to be wanted and loved. I dont even try to inititiate anymore, I am not even looking to bring another woman into this.
i gave up initiating sex with my wife after years of being continually rejected, and the odd time I got a yes it was “ok hurry up and get it over with” and then afterwards feeling like I had just raped her and feeling violated myself and then kicking myself for even bothering again.
I have no doubt she is on some website complaining that her husband never wants sex with her or never initiates.
@Kat: “This means if the guy wants sex he will need to sacrifice his nature to meet her emotional needs.”
I really have no idea what you are talking about here. My impression is that a lot of women want their husband to be just like their girlfriends; all empathy and hugs and no solutions. Guys solve problems instead of reveling in them. It is their nature and that is as God designed them. Where would we as a society – and as marriaged couples – be, if no one ever took initiative to actually eliminate problems instead of looking for sympathy?
My bride and I were a little older than is typical for new parents. She was 36 and 38 when our kids wer born, while I was 39 and 41. She has always said that if our son was the first he would have been an only child. He was a very active little guy and wouldn’t sit still like our daughter did. Together they wore mom out! But she was burdening herself with about 50 pounds of extra weight which she insisted on carrying into both preganancies in spite of my and her doctor’s counsel. Of course after kids came along there was just no time or interest on her part for taking care of herself. She was the perfect victim mother and wife. At least it made a good sounding cover story. So any remaining interest I might have had in sex with her was greatly and persistently discouraged by her size and shape. I wouldn’t say she rejected me actively but nevertheless it hurt me because she was so good at playing the victim, while ruining her health with a poor diet. Not just her diet, as the kids followed suit. I thank God now that they are very healthy young adults. But they still turn their noses up at healthy foods I suggest. Their time in coming I suppose. My wife eventually got so sick of being overweight that she went through several weight loss programs supervised by doctors. And each time gained even more back. So then I had to fund her bariatric surgery becaue she was not really bad enough for insuraance to cover it. I don’t understand why she could not just manage ger diet, and go exercise thrity minutes a day like most other moms in our neighborhood. I guess it is easier to post on Facebook then to go for a good strong walk. So she is somewhat better now but still has no muscle tome and cannot shake the last 30 pounds or so. Not that it bothers her. So the sex is still sort of there, although I went through a period of a year or so where I just felt so bad about being intimate with her I refused to initiate it. Now though I still have ED and I cannot get interested in her unless I spend some time thinking lusty thoughts based on fantasy or some other woman. In spite of my Christian upbringing. This is pretty much the ONLY way I can make it work with her. But I do whatever I can to show her love and affection in other ways. I just feel so empty sometimes because what God has designed just is not there for me. I speak with Him frequently on this topic but so far there has been very little resolution. Nothing but grace.
@WFO: So what exactly are you praying for? I would recommend compassion, tolerance and understanding. Read your post with a cold, rational eye.
“Christian upbringing” means *SQUAT*.
Christian actions are what matters. Her pain, doubts, insecurities, frustration and fears are just as real as yours. But she is the “weaker vessel.” I wonder what her posting would read like.
God has entrusted this woman into your care, a gift just for you. You freely and (more than likely) enthusiastically took up this responsibility, joy and privilege.
Carefully read 1-Cor 13 (the whole chapter; it is not long, but it is very deep) and 1-Peter 4:8.
That should put you on the right path.
Thanks for this thread. I’m finding this very helpful. Like many wives here, I feel the pressure to “work up” a sexual appetite to match my husband’s. He is a normal guy who wants intercourse a few times a week. I have now to come to understand that I am normal and want it a lot less.
My first mistake out of the box was that I left the sexual matters to him. I had no sexual experience before our marriage but he had. I thought he knew what he was doing but he didn’t. When sexual issues started creeping up, I made my second mistake by insisting we didn’t need counseling because that’s what people whose marriages are heading to divorce do. I will always regret that as long as I live.
Things got very real when he confessed an affair to me by our year 6. That took us to counselling because we were definitely headed for divorce. He claimed it was a one night stand and it would never happen again.So far I have believed him and he has been consistent with “fruits consistent with repentance”. He has become far more considerate and kind over the last 2 years than I have ever seen him.
My take on this situation? Indeed, sex is the lowest on my priority and emotional intimacy is the highest. Sex is the highest on his and emotional is the lowest on his list. The only time this works is when we BOTH deny ourselves and work on the other’s priority list. If any one of us backs out, we have a problem.
I had denied my need for emotional intimacy because we were always focusing on the elephant in the room (sex). I was puzzled why I could never work up a sex drive. I thought I never had one but I got pregnant and my sex drive increase was crazy. But my husband still couldn’t satisfy me even then because it wasn’t sex I wanted (sex was great), it was emotional safety and intimacy.
My primary love language is words, then touch. When we were dating, my husband gave me tons of this. But when we got married, the words dried up immediately and touch became “corrupted” by him only touching me when he wanted sex. He mentioned several times that there was no point in touching, kissing or foreplay if there wasn’t sex attached to it. That was translated to me as, ” all he wanted was sex and not me”, just like my mom and pastors had told me years before. He tried to show me affection by HIS love languages, spending time and acts of service but those don’t make me feel loved. He would not die to himself and make himself vulnerable by giving me the love I needed.
Likewise, I started rejecting him sexually A LOT which wounded him A LOT. It was never a good time and I never felt like it. I later on found out that the more sex I had with him, the more used and ashamed I felt. Partly because, like Reba said, the narrative of youth where boys only want sex and not you. Partly because of my resentment of having to give my body up to do things that were against my will. My husband was unaware of this narrative and couldn’t articulate that it was ME he desired. He tried but could articulate his need to me in a way that I understood. He also made some unfortunate statements in the depth of his hurt that strengthened mt negative beliefs. When I gave my husband of myself sexually even when I didn’t want to, that fed my “martyrdom” complex. All my positive beliefs about sex being full of laughter, playing and “romantic” stuff died a slow death and gave way to serious, “lets get on with it” sex. I naturally fed his primary love language which is acts of service but, being an introvert, didn’t feed his desire for us to go and do things together. I’m an introvert and his desire to have adventures only made me more terrified to do anything with him.
So we are currently at a point where he is so hurt that he doesn’t initiate sex and asks me to initiate. I am working on my body esteem issue after having a baby. i would look to him for words to encourage me but I now know that those aren’t coming and now look elsewhere for support. I’m also an introvert. Those together make it difficult for me to shed “myself” and initiate. I check sex off like a regular schedule. I initiate under the very real knowledge that if I don’t, we will not be married very long (another thing my pastors are very clear about). I have let of my right to enjoy sex every time. Don’t get me wrong, we have very good sex 80% of the time. But if I come to it with the mind of I must enjoy it, we wont be having very much sex. So yes, I have started faking organisms and the smiles when he rubs my back at night. I’m not always smiling (I love my sleep) but if I’m at a stage where I can’t say no to him without wounding him deeply. My feelings don’t matter because I’m a big girl and I can suck it up. I can’t keep feeding my “self”. Thanks to my pregnancy induced sex drive, I’ve been recently made aware that I’m a very sexual person but I have had extensive training while being single on the art of chastity. So yes, I can go without sex far easily than my husband.
It takes too much emotional effort on the part of my husband to “fan up the flames of desire” for me. He also lacks the emotional motivation to do so since this daily flame fanning might only increase my sex drive from maybe once every 2 weeks to once a week…which still isn’t enough from him. So he gets discouraged.
I take care of him, as much as I can “work up” from thinking about sex and listening to music. I refuse to watch romantic movies or read novels because I think its female porn… sending an unrealistic message that my husband will always fall short of.
So there we have it, two people who have made several mistakes along the way, still muddling on. Sometimes, i do wish this would go away cuz otherwise, we make a great team. We treat each other great, like we are the best of friends. It feels that for one person to feel sexually happy, the other must be miserable sexually.
But out of sheer selfishness, I think… He gets to have sex weekly ( on a good week) to biweekly (on a bad one) but I only get sex (my version of it) biweekly (on a good week) to every 3-4 months (on a bad month). Why is he complaining so loudly when he gets more than me?
@StillWorkingAtIt: Why do you think he is enjoying sex? Even gay men have fathered children. Think they enjoyed it?
Towards the end of my first marriage, when my ex would occasionally come home looking for money she always started the request with sex. Basically get on all fours (this way she didn’t have to look at my face) and keep saying hurry up until I finished. And, perversely, my lack of desire for her made me last longer and climax stronger.
And I hated myself for it.
So your husband might be complaining because he has the same opinion as you.
Stop having sex and start making love. Do what you do out of love, and you will see changes. Pray for insights into your man. If he’s not initiating, he might still feel your inaccessible.
Go to bed naked. Nothing special. Pay attention. Even something as subtle as his foot resting against yours could be his way of initiating after a long denial period.
If you feel something, escalate a little. Softly put your leg against his. And so on.
But the question is: How much do you want? How much will you give? Make sure you communicate.
Prayers go with you.
Not only will I never initiate or bring up the subject of sex with my wife ever again, I will never believe anything she says about sex happening, until it is actually happening. She will have to initiate it all if its going to happen at all. I see no difference in betrayal between cheating on your spouse, and starving your spouse.
@WFO: Yes, and the solution to “how do I stop being rejected and feeling so awful” is “stop initiating, you’ll never be rejected”.
I am now in the 8th year since last having sexual relations with my wife of 44 years. Sex has never been a priority for her (we didn’t consummate our marriage until the 4th day as she was “too tired and emotionally stressed.”) Throughout our marriage I can think of only a few times (less than 5) of her initiating our lovemaking. Usually, it was me making all the moves, suggestions, and near begging. My wife is orgasmic, so it’s not an issue of being satisfied sexually, but she has this nagging feeling, to quote her, that she’s “being used.” That we just aren’t close enough personally and as a couple … with the result being that she just doesn’t feel like having sex with me. Of course, that feeling of being used doesn’t extend to her spending my income, living in the house my money bought, driving the cars my money bought, vacationing with the money I made, etc., etc. We have pretty much become like sister and brother, with little to no physical touching (hand holding, kissing, snuggling, etc.) … she wyles away the hours playing candy crush on her smart phone and spending hours talking with her two sisters. Needless to say, I constantly fight my urge to indulge in porn … and have recently fought off the urge to have an affair. I love my wife .. and I do not want to leave her. And I don’t want to go another 8 years without any sexual intimacy with her.
My decision to stop initiating sex with my wife was the best thing I ever did. You see, she (like most women) tried to use sex to manipulate me. And I’m not having it. She needs to treat me like an adult or get out. Once I stopped initiating, her leverage and power was gone. Poof! Just like that. Since I can’t please her, I just do whatever I want. She can no longer manipulate me, and I ignore her nagging, silent treatment, and constant criticism. I’m not going to file for divorce, but if she does I’ll be one happy guy.
Sept. 2015
I am always ready to have sex with my husband unless its that time of the month. Otherwise, I am ready willing and able. However, he is not even pursuing me at all. It’s like I always have to mention it or tease him into doing it and frankly I am tired of it and now I am losing interest in sex all together because its so rare far in between that I am getting used to not having it anymore. So what now ?
You guys are all crazy! My marriage went in to the sex less marriage mode. I gave it years! Then I filed for divorce! Yes, we have two kids. But, I don’t care, I’m just as tired from working 50 plus hours a week for my now ex wife to stay home. Then making me feel bad about wanting sex! Been divorced for two years and I have met another women who wants the samething as I. She believes sex is fun and wonderful. Funny part is once I filed my wife wanted to then work it out!! No way!! Sad part is I really loved her and still do! But sex is not a weapon or yaaa I was a good boy so I got a present
Please take my advice! Leave now if you’re in a sex less marriage! Before you both end up hating each other before it’s too late!
This can work both ways. I am a woman who has been rejected by her husband more times than I can remember since we married.
Everybody comments on my appearance, I’m not unattractive, nor am I bad in bed.
However I’ve discovered after 6 years that he was a pornography addict and had been since a teen. I couldn’t live up to what his brain has been trained to enjoy as it was so extreme.
It shattered my world, but the pieces of the puzzle *finally* fit together.
We have been working on things, trying to move forward with counselling and special measures in place. However this is not the point of my comment.
My points are
(A) men stay so far away from porn. Avoid it like the plague. Put measures in place to reduce temptation and see it for what it is. It annihilates you, your wife and your enjoyment of proper sex. It turns everybody into a victim similar to most addictions. It invades your marriage and puts a wedge between yourself and God
(B) that I identify with the rejected spouse and I cannot emphasise enough how damaging it is to a person if they receive constant physical rejection (which comes in many forms).
From my experience, the rejection was like a real life nightmare, it made me feel regularly depressed, it caused me to focus on sex and desire sex more than I would have ordinarily. It made me question everything about myself, devalued my perception of myself, my sexual performance and appearance, regardless of the fact that I receive countless compliments from both friends and strangers. I have developed deep insecurities which I only pray will dissipate over time.
I think it is 100% wrong to reject your spouse unless there is a real reason for it (ie genuine fatigue, illness, or for simple and normal reasons) if reasons for rejection are pure, they will not become habitual and cause damage or pain. Both partners should respect the fact that it isn’t always possible. However frequent sexual intercourse is so important for many reasons, both physiologically and emotionally. It brings you closer together and builds strong intimacy.
If your wife rejects you – perhaps take the time and ask in a sensitive way if you are doing something wrong, what she likes….you might find that you need to pay better or different attention to her sexually, embrace her needs more and perform in a different way. Also remember that women take more time to build up to feeling aroused, so be sensitive to this. Also, there might be unresolved tension or disputes which need resolving before a woman can give herself to you.
We both have our parts to play.
However, regular rejection is abuse as far as I’m concerned: you don’t want your partner going elsewhere but the one way they can enjoy sexual pleasure you put a stop on. Not right.
I stopped initiating a long time ago. The rejection just hurts too much to risk it anymore. We have been married for 7 years now and our low frequency (10 time a year or less) has been like this since the second month of our marriage. We did not have sex before we married and at the time, I think we both believed our marriage would be better for it. Now I feel neglected all the time. I try to do things for her to show I care about her but nothing has any effect. Granted, we both work 2 jobs and often are tired but I cook all the meals and do laundry to try and take the pressure off of her. I don’t feel like she even cares about me, let alone loves or desires me. I truly love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life but I have lost all hope in that love being returned. All I have to look forward to now is another 50-60 years of loneliness and rejection. Maybe I deserve this. This may be my punishment for being a horrible person in some way I have yet to figure out.
My christian wife swore to me several times before we got married, even despite our immense clashes back then, that she will be absolutely caring, submissive and faithful whether she does or does not understand my motivations or reasons behind decisions in life, and that she will be supportive “no matter what” in good and in bad times.
After we got married, the second night of our marriage I was tired from walking up and down the city on our honeymoon island, and fell asleep while she made herself ready for bed. I cannot describe the immense pain, terror and fear I felt when I she tore me out of my sleep by screaming and yelling at me what an insensitive “a-ho” “mf” I am not to acknowledge her sexually on our honeymoon. It was so terrifying that I developed PTSD regarding sex in our marriage which makes me lose my drive very easily if my wife does not make honest efforts to prove the authenticity of her love, faithfulness and and care beforhand which when it happens causes her to think we are “incompatible” and we should not have married etc. I do make sure at my end that she’s never left alone with her problems and also that she is never overwhelmed with chores, hence – I keep the house from a to z excluding cooking for both of us since she is an extremely particular eater.
When I try to talk to her she is usually acting up and seems incapable of controlling herself when my opinion or solution does not match hers and starts screaming and threatening with divorce most times when she is confronted with her actions even in the most humble and loving way.
She was also diagnosed by some shrink with bipolar and send which I think happened so the doc being incompetent to truly help my wife, can make her come back and rip off her insurance and since my wife lived her youngster life like a kinky, to make some money selling her the garbage drugs that alleviates the symptoms but without them makes everything even worse. My wife truly repented e om her horrible young early life and made immense progress since but some selfrighteous church people who couldn’t stand her anointed life dragged her down digging in her past and disreputed her at that church which caused my wife lose all hope and foremost trust in Church community and any “pastors”, consequently she stopped going to church which makes her deprived of God’s Word weak and vulnerable to the world and its schemes and she ended up seeking comfort in sex and demanding me to fulfill her spiritual needs and contentment which only one’s relationship with God can do. I am past all fasting, prayer, counseling books, websites etc. I came to understand that knowing the Truth (God’s Word) does not help without repenting, believing and practicing it by the healing power of God’s Holy Spirit and therefore am praying and am looking forward to Jesus revealing Himself to my wife and His healing miracle as it is written that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever! My wife needs to own up to her faults and errs and accept that through her extremely promiscuous life style she opened herself to extreme demonic influence that cling to her and skew her desires and emotions to secure their presence by urging and forcing her to act them out, and unless she acknowledges her sin and confesses it these evil demons refuse to leave.
She was raging this entire morning that I couldn’t keep up with her sexual demand without her actively participating to make it happen ie. at least kiss or hug me as opposed to laying there waiting for me to make her “happy”.
I don’t see how a wife can reject her husband so many times. I wished my husband wouldn’t reject me. We are a young couple married for two years, our sex is great and I love my husband very much and I’m very attracted to him. I cook for him, I do everything around the house, I wake him up with BJ’s sometimes and I initiate sex, almost all the time. I know he is tired and I get it, he needs rest too, time for himself. But he doesn’t know that I feel so rejected by him, not loved, is he not into me? He is very touchy when we do have sex and he tells me I’m sexy all the time, but I just don’t know why he is not sexual with me. I don’t mind initiating but I would love for him to try. I have said no to him before very rare probably 3 or 4 times and has always been a good reason, he knows I never say no. And I don’t want him to think I’m just lusty but I need that connection with him, he seems to have time to be on his phone at night right before bed but as soon as I start kissing him or grabbing him he is suddenly sleepy, or too tired, or he needs to get up early. Cheating is out of the question so is porn, my husband is committed to our marriage and so am i. I just want to make this work so that I don’t feel so rejected. Meet in the middle, we have talked about this plenty of times and it’s always, of course I want to be with you, I love you, you are my wife….. but it doesn’t improve. Women go though this too, I think why didn’t I get the man that wants sex all the time, I’m shame of even thinking that. But there are women out there that want sex and be intimate with their husbands. I don’t know what to do, I get fixed up for him, I wear sexy clothes to sleep, or no clothes, I try new things or at least want to and he always thinks I just want sex all the time almost like it bothers him. I don’t want to have sex everyday but I want to have a good night where he makes an effort where I still feel sexy and wanted by him.
Also, he was my first I was a virgin when we got married and that’s all I known and that all I want, he tells me he loves our sexual life but it doesn’t seem like it to me. Advice anyone?
Some valid points were made here, but I must say that I’m tired of people constantly implying that the WIFE is the one who rejects her husband’s advances.
I’ve been married for nearly 7 years now and my husband refuses to be intimate with me. We might have sex twice a year if I’m lucky…and when we do, it’s “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am!” type of sex. There is no romance or real love in it. We had sex for about 10 minutes the other day (sorry if TMI) and it was extremely painful and just no emotional connection during the act. It was like he doesn’t care about whether I like it, as long as his needs are met until months later when he decides to touch me again.
I adore him; I see him as my best friend, not simply as my husband.
And I appreciate his positive qualities as a helper, kind, caring, generous, hard-working, smart, funny, brave, etc…he is just a wonderful person in general.
But something is definitely missing in our marriage. I’ve often asked him to talk to me about it, whatever “it” is.
Am I not pretty enough or thin enough? Don’t I love him and treat him well enough? Is it stress from his job? What is the problem? But he won’t open up and talk about it.
When there is no communication, how can anything be fixed?
Not to mention that I want at least one child and he doesn’t want children at all…but he was dishonest with me about this from the start. He told me he wanted kids when in fact, he never did. So maybe this is part of the reason he won’t have sex with me anymore. Which is both hurtful and a disappointment, because sex is a very important part of marriage, even if children aren’t part of the plan.
I’ve also wondered if his needs are being met elsewhere, either with online porn or an affair with a real live person.
I can’t prove this but I have my suspicions. A lot of men cheat, including the “nice” ones.
They could have a wife that is nearly perfect…sweet, gorgeous, smart, etc…and they will still cheat on her.
As to myself, I was a very pretty girl when he met me. I was 23 years old and a size 4 with long dark hair. I used to be able to wear almost anything. Now I’m overweight and not so pretty anymore, but this isn’t entirely my fault. I try to exercise and be mindful of what I eat. I still wear makeup and try to fix my hair and I care about looking as good as I can.
But apparently, I’m not attractive since I’m not a “hot” cheerleader type or rail-thin anymore. I’m heavier than I used to be, but I’m still the same loving person he married and I never nag him about anything. Some men complain about their wives nagging, but I never do that to my husband, even when I feel ignored and unappreciated.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there is something about me that turns him off, or if there is something more complicated. I feel so ugly now because he rejects me sexually…and my self-esteem has always been low because I grew up in an abusive environment.
I’m trying to lose weight and fit into nice clothes again. I want him to want me. But nothing seems to work.
And it doesn’t help that he is a good-looking guy and there are so many women who don’t care if they ruin somebody else’s marriage.
@MB … I’m sorry for the pain in your marriage, and yes you are right that it is not always the wife who refuses.
From what you shared, I don’t think the issue is about you (weight, looks, etc.), I think it’s about your husband. It’s sad that he won’t be open and honest about why he doesn’t want to have sex.
Even more sad is that he would treat you as his wife with such lack of compassion and concern. I know you say he is your best friend, but this isn’t how friends treat each other.
I do have a page on my site with many posts regarding wives who want more sex and aren’t getting it. It is at this link: https://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
I know it takes courage, but if I were you, I would suggest Christian marriage counseling to your husband, explaining that you are concerned about the lack of intimacy and you want the two of you to work together toward more intimacy (sexual and otherwise).
If he refuses to go, then go on your own. Not only will it give you the insights of a professional, but it will also demonstrate to your husband that the status quo of how things are now is not okay with you and you’re going to do whatever you can to strengthen the marriage.
Again, I am sorry for what you are going through.