marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Has Your Husband Stopped Initiating Sex?
Dec
It wasn’t until he stopped initiating that it occurred to her something could be wrong.
And it wasn’t that she was necessarily concerned he was “getting it elsewhere” (although, she knew that wasn’t such a far-fetched possibility, if statistics told her anything.)
Even so, him no longer initiating sex did have her thinking. Wondering if indeed her marriage was what she had always envisioned a marriage to be.
Wondering if it was what he envisioned it would be.
Anyway. He had stopped initiating sex with her.
And now she began to recall all those times she avoided sex. Came up with excuses as to why they couldn’t make love. Made him feel guilty for even attempting.
All those times she pulled away from his touch when he crawled in bed. And the times she even snapped at him when he wanted to get in the shower with her. Convinced herself that he was selfish and insensitive for ever wanting it in the first place.
And what about those times she was too tired for sex? Yes, there were times she was exhausted. No doubt about it.
But she was often plenty awake to tend to the kids’ needs, church activities and her favorite TV shows. She vaguely remembers him pointing that out. Something about him always being last (or never) on her “list.”
Yes, him not initiating anymore really had her thinking now.
She almost cried when she considered the irony.
Him no longer initiating meant she had arrived at what she implied she wanted — no more sex. But she felt anything but victorious.
She felt empty.
There was a chasm between them that she couldn’t quite name. Couldn’t quite put her finger on. But it stirred just beneath the surface nonetheless.
They did life. They exchanged pleasantries. They moved through their own agendas and managed to keep things functioning.
Kids got fed. Bills got paid. Birthdays got planned. Lawns got mowed.
If there was tension — and in moments of brutal honesty, she could not deny there was — she simply rationalized it away.
“We’re tired.”
“We’re busy.”
“This is what happens to all married couples.”
It had been a long time — a long time since he last initiated. So long that she couldn’t recall with any clarity the last time they made love. It was hazy at best. And “going through the motions” for sure.
She recalled feeling relieved at first when he stopped initiating. She finally could stop feeling anxious about sex.
But now. Now she started to wonder.
Did she have a hand in the collateral damage in their relationship? Were they really as close as everyone else viewed them to be?
It felt like forever since they had done anything alone together.
He stopped initiating sex. And in a way, they both stopped initiating everything.
He stopped initiating sex.
And now? She felt anything but victorious.
Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
Never want to miss one of my posts? Subscribe via email on this page. And be sure to join my more than 9,000 followers on my Facebook page and 10,000 followers on Twitter.
My husband rarely initiates sex. I have stopped initiating because the rejection is too painful. We have been married less than a year.
I’m fighting the distance as my soul cries for intimacy. I realized this week that whenever we make love, the sadness I feel as we’re cuddling afterwards is because I know it will be a week or two before we have that beautiful time of bonding again. And I’m trying to get my head around him initiating when he knows it’s been a long timne for me. He is attentive and loving. Yet I wonder why he doesn’t initiate. I turn heads when we’re out, yet the only head I want to turn doesn’t notice me.
Excellent post, Julie & I fit the bill completely. I stopped initiating last year, as a test, to see how long we could go without my wife at least questioning it and sadly we went 106 days, before I gave in out of fear of total emotional abandonment. This year, her lack of desire or need has caused me to just give up, we are at 70 days so far without a peep. She likes to cuddle in bed before she goes to sleep and as a good husband I don’t deny her that. Probably the past few hundred times have been boring obligatory, no oral, no foreplay, just the bare minimum to satisfy me, which no longer works. I guess I hope she will get to the point as the woman did in the article and at least want to talk about it, but I’m not holding my breath. She has become asexual, with no desire to even get pleasure herself. My massages and backrubs I give her more than pleases her, that is our only intimacy, if you want to call it that??
This really resonated with me, Julie. Although my husband didn’t stop initiating, he definitely slowed down. What especially threw me was that when I said no, he didn’t even seem to care anymore. The apathy scared me more than all the years of arguing about sex did.
this is my marriage to a “T”. 20+ years of a very sexless marriage (average once every 4-6 weeks), promises of it will get better, hundreds of “NO” at the first hint I’m going to bring it up, the countless “you just had it last week” comments and eventually, you just freaking give up.
Done.
And yes, yes, yes just as you say, she has gotten what it appears she always wanted – a no sex marriage. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too = you cannot tell your husband “NO” over and over and make sex about 14th on your priority list and expect an intimate marriage. I’m not talking about sex intimate, I’m talking about a “best friends, were in this together, you are my priority” kind of intimacy that I think all women (and I KNOW that is what I want as a man) crave from their spouse. How can we come to the place where a wife shuts sex off and just expects her husband to just get over it and yet still expect him to be close, snuggly and always there to listen to all her problems and issues? How can she shut this down and expect him not to fall into the temptation of porn or worse? Men crave non-sexual intimacy just as much as you ladies do but a healthy sex life is the avenue to bond the two of you together. The sexual explosion is chemical and powerful and it releases bonding hormones in men. It isn’t “Just sex” or “just a release” for a man – it is bonding, chemical and powerful and it is just as God designed.
You simply cannot obtain a healthy, vibrant marriage by shutting down sexually with your husband. It is robbing him and robbing you. It just doesn’t work. It isn’t God’s design. This is one of the prices of the fall. We have taken what God designed and twisted it to fit our needs and that never works. Normally I don’t comment on posts but this one is incredibly accurate. It IS my marriage so thank you for posting it. I’m sad that we have been unable to fix this in our marriage and that apparently so many people are making the same devastating mistakes we’ve made.
This is a very sad post. I don’t know if it is true or just based on a real story. Either way, it is so sad that so many people neglect their spouses for years then kind of notice it.
As a husband, my perspective is from the male end of this issue. I know that many wives get weary of men begging, demanding, and constantly badgering them for sex. But really, this is a sign that their husbands are still hoping that someday they will accept advances. However, when a husband stops asking, it usually means one of three things: 1- He has found someone else, 2- He has become weary of the constant rejection, or 3- He has stopped thinking of his wife as a sexual being. In my opinion, number 3 is the most sad. There may be hope for the marriage if one of the first two are the issue, but if 3 is the issue, there is really not much hope left. It is incredibly difficult to go forward in a marriage to a woman when you no longer see her as a woman.
Very sad indeed…
How about.. writing a sequel, describing how she can remedy and turn the situation? and how he should encourage her?
My wonderful wife shut-down sexually in our first year of marriage (turns out this was mostly because of her child sexual abuse). I just barely endured over thirty years of almost nothing sexually. In the last five years of it, I finally and completely stopped initiating. At last, God was merciful and we worked with the most wonderful therapist. She helped my wife with talk therapy for her misguided opinions and EMDR for her abuse (and me for my anger, bitterness and sense of entitlement).
We’re totally healed now, thank God. But, even though I -can- initiate now. I still -very, very- rarely do because I am not successful and I have wounds, pain and scars that aren’t gone just yet. Although our beliefs and priorities are different now; old habits die hard.
Keep loving your spouse. Just keep loving them.
I am afraid this story is so often true in many marriages. It is always the man who has a higher sex drive? No, but that is the case more often than not. After kids come along, for many women, they often forget about the needs of their husband and focus on the needs their kids. Because after all, they need their mom desperately and their husband is an adult and can look after him self. My kids need me, they will state. Yes they do, but what the kid needs is a mom and a dad demonstrating a great marriage. If one spouse gives up on sex, it opens up the possibility of a severely damaged marriage, that very much will impact the kids. When a person rejects their spouse many times in a row it has a divesting impact, especially the husband and his ego. More often that not the rejected spouse shuts down sexually and it quits becoming an issue far to often as Julie states. If your spouse still argues about the amount of sex in your marriage, consider yourself blessed because it at least on the table. Often it is the woman, after the kids get older, her sex drive bounces back but by then, it is often to late. He has checked out of the marriage in that regard. Again, this opens up the danger of an “intruder alert” because it just isn’t the physical aspect of sex but also the emotional intimacy it creates. It really bother’s me when Christians act in this manner. We should no so much better because of what the Bible teaches not only from the way we conduct ourselves but also as it teaches about sex and marriage. Yes, she is tired. Guys, take care of the kids and let her nap or just have a day out. Help around the house, be flirtatious and physical at all times and not just in the bed. But, generally speaking, without a good sex life, a great marriage is more than likely not possible. How do you have a great marriage? The same way you have a great sex life. ON PURPOSE!!
While I think it’s important to discuss issues of intimacy from both sides, I think this post is misguided. You bring up a good point — if you stop saying yes, you’ll stop getting asked – but this dramatic vignette of guilt and shame does little to get an overwhelmed and exhausted wife excited about sex again. All it does is make her feel bad about herself. That may result in some pity sex, but it’s not very effective long-term.
The comments are these posts are also a turn-off. It’s nice to hear from men, but some use these posts as an excuse to vent about their sexless lives. (Counting the days, portraying their wives as ice queens, acting like frequent sex is their right. etc.) This just feeds into a woman’s perception that men are like children when it comes to sex — needy, whiny and selfish.
I’m not saying that a woman should deny her husband sex for long stretches at a time, but a wife who is disinterested in sex usually has real physiological and emotional reasons for it. Like, she’s exhausted at the times of day you initiate sex. Like, she chooses TV, not because it’s more important you, but because it’s mindless and easy, unlike everything else she did that day (and there was A LOT). Like, she appreciates all you do for her, but doesn’t want to feel like she has to get naked to show her gratitude. Like, she feels stalked like a wild animal because you’re ready to pounce if she gives the slightest bit of interest. Like, she enjoys it once she get into it, but there are lots of other things she enjoys as much or better that don’t require the time and vulnerability. Like, having sex when she doesn’t want to can actually make her feel sick.
These are not excuses – couples obviously need to make an effort to have a sex life that best compromises their two desire levels. (In our case, that equals out to once or week, more or less.) But asking a woman to get over her biological and emotional lack of sexual desire and initiate sex is no easier than asking a man to get over his bruised ego. He can just as easily work on controlling his desires as she can on increasing hers. Both need to work hard and compromise, And if your wife is physically repulsed by sex, maybe every 100 days isn’t so bad.
I’ve gave up. Last 4 years, 8 times. Currently at 324 days right now (last time, January 18th).
Not a peep from her. I know for a fact if I asked her when did we last have sex she would have no idea, or really even care. At best, it would be my fault anyways.
I do my best to keep the peace, stay “happy”, and wait til the last kid is out of the house. Then I’m gone the next week.
I think it would be a good suggestion to tell a wife how to turn around a situation like this.
I would say that she needs to cultivate her femininity. Become the cute, coquettish, attractive female again. There is nothing more attractive to a man than a feminine woman. In this case, where she rejected his masculinity for years, it is going to take quite a long time for him to respond to this.
Second, she does not need to complain to her female friends. It is possible that they will just tell her that she is very attractive, and he is an idiot for not wanting her. This is going to make things even worse. Instead, she needs to read books and find out what men find attractive and specifically, what her husband finds attractive.
Contrary to what most women think, a woman’s primary attractiveness has little to do with her looks. I have known many women who seem beautiful at first, but as I got to know them, they are very angry and rude. Consequently, they begin to look less and less attractive. By contrast, I have known many many women who were overweight, or had a plain face, but because of their sweet, feminine nature, look absolutely beautiful.
Lastly, actually listening to a husband without judgment will make a wife extremely attractive. A woman who will hear what her husband says, actually try to understand, and will never betray his confidence will be a very very attractive woman indeed.
This post is heart-wrenching, even though my wife and I are still physically intimate. Sex means so much to a marriage. I am so puzzled that women (and some men) can miss that. One time after a particularly good time of physical closeness, I told my wife, “This just makes my whole week better.” For us, I think it’s more on my part than her part, that this is needed. I think for guys, it affirms the relationship. It’s not that the relationship is over if it doesn’t happen regularly, but it’s so important and uplifting when it does: “Bam! we’re a couple; we’re together; we’re a team.”
When something bad happens at work, I remember: I have a partner. I don’t want to mess that up. I take it, and I survive and thrive. I belong to someone else. If I can make it at work, I have someone at home. I can even anticipate the lovemaking and get through a do or die at work because of it.
I don’t think I’m alone in thinking this. In Shaunti Feldman’s books, “Just for Men” and “Just for Women”, this is brought out. Sex is fundamentally different for the two sexes. A cliché statement is, “Women need to feel loved to make love, and men need to make love to feel loved.”
And I am definitely not saying that the men who are sexually refused aren’t making their wives feel loved. They probably are. It’s just that some women don’t have sex on their radar… at all.
My wife has a friend who told her, “We don’t do that any more.” I just can’t believe there is still a marriage present, in that case. Roomies, yes; husband and wife, nope.
One thing is that when a guy does stop asking, that’s a problem too. Counseling is needed by a competent therapist. If a guy has stopped asking, he’s basically accepting that it’s ok for his wife to violate her covenant with him to take care of his sexual needs. The fact that she appears to have no sex drive is a sign that there is something wrong: hormonally, past abuse, or some other physical or emotional problem. It hurts to keep asking and getting refused, but it must be done, I think, to save the marriage.
Sex can be on a guy’s mind, when it is the furthest thing from his wife’s, even when they both agree it’s important. I bought and read a book after attending a conference called “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage”. The book was called the “Bead Method”. The lower drive spouse gives the beads to the higher drive spouse as a gift and part of a promise. If you give me a bead–in a bedside bowl or wherever–I will make love within a 24 hour window. (Maybe not that night, but the next, to give him / her time to get used to the idea.) There are 40 beads gifted. Once those are used, you start over.
The things that have been good about it for me is that it let’s me know, “It’s going to happen!” I don’t need to worry about it. If not tonight, then tomorrow night (or day). I don’t have to ask and risk refusal. For my partner, she isn’t surprised. Women typically have lots of things tracking in their mind at once, whereas men think about one thing at a time. (Work, food, sex; then work, food, sex; oh wait sleep, work, food sex.) We’re not that simple, but in some ways, we pretty much are. If sex is left out, then it can become an obsession.
For the lower desire spouse, this case, the woman, it lets her objectify things. I got a bead. I need to prepare my mind and body for sex. I have a 24 hour window to do this. Also, I can collect beads and know that I am fulfilling my covenant. There’s no, “You never make love to me.” Well, yes, I do, and I have 13 beads to prove it.
Read the book, guys and girls, and see if it might possibly work. Here you can get the book, beads, and a cool bowl to put them in. http://shopping.laughyourway.com/collections/bead-method
What young women learn from family, church, society, peers:
Sex is bad
Sexual pleasure is bad
I am bad
Boys only want one thing
I must dress provocatively to attract boys
Boys don’t respect girls who have sex
Boy’s don’t like girls who won’t have sex
Boys don’t stick by girls “in trouble”
I am not enough
I don’t look the way I should look
I am fat
Boys cannot be trusted
I am expected to marry
What married women are expected to know:
Sex is good
Sexual pleasure is good
I am beautiful
I am more than enough–I am awesome
I can trust my husband
My husband respects me
Etc., etc., etc.
We have so much unlearning to do before we can begin to embrace the truth about ourselves and our marriages. We can’t just flip a switch, anymore than a husband can just turn off his sex drive. The unlearning and embracing require painful, exhausting, frightening work.
Leisel,
You throw out some good points (and some not so good ones) in your post….but little in the way of answers. No doubt many women feel exactly what you describe. I’m curious what you would recommend for long term solutions for improved intimacy for a husband with a wife who may feels like what you described.
Thanks.
When a man stops initiating sex, it is because the hurt has finally become greater than the sex drive. He has tried everything under the sun and is forced to give up to save himself. To battle the rejection, he will withdraw emotionally from his spouse as well and in his eyes they become “just friends”, even though they may still share a bed, to her, the marriage is still great, just now no more sex stress. All the many reasons, excuses for a non sex relationship really don’t matter, it is the end result. If you can go without, then you’ve lost each other.
I hope you keep this anonymous… I am that husband. Why bother any more…. If I try to bring it up it is my fault for being emotionally distant.. But How can I be open and connected? I am denied a primary conduit for closeness and if I start trying to be close it makes me desire her… The one thing she seems to make sure she doesn’t want me to do. Except she wants to be wanted but I better not try anything… Every night its stomach hurts, head hurts, sinuses, or I or the kids made her upset… Or she is too tired, or it is just too late… And the shower is her only alone time. I want my wife, I want to be closer. I am tired of fighting my frustration and temptation and feeling like I have a bed mate and not a wife. I want to scream and am so angry about it at times.. Other times I am just tired and ready to give up… We have 4 kids and I promised and vowed to be there for better or worse till death… I know I have problems.. Porn is a real issue for me at times… No excuse but it is so much more difficult… It hasn’t always been like this… I remember when we couldn’t get enough of each other… But that was years ago now.
very good read! But my Dilemma would be Ive never turned my husband down ever always available for him. But he still doesn’t initiate unless I tell him how I feel and he will that night and days and days go by with nothing 🙁 I feel robbed
This really hits home for me. My wife has initiated only twice in the last 4 years. She’s made me feel shameful for asking and I’m tired of being rejected. We recently went about a month with no sex which is the longest in our 13 years of marriage. I love my wife tremendously, but I will no longer be made to feel bad for wanting to express my love and closeness through sexual activity.
I think there are several thing that come into play in this conflict. First, you have to understand that little girls learn core beliefs about female sexuality from their parents and they often learn those beliefs from parents who are anxious about sexuality and hyper controlling over their daughters sexuality. These beliefs become embedded in their unconscious, so they may not remember the messages that they picked up on, but they are active in their unconscious none the less. Secondly, Girls begin to grow up (teen years) and learn that in order to attract a boy they must look attractive and somehow become irresistible to boys/men, and at the same time are getting pressure from parents to conform to parental standards and beliefs about sexuality. So, as they become women they struggle with repressing their sexuality in order garner approval from their parents (this is unconscious), yet measure up to images in society and what they believe men want, all in order to not be alone (alone from parents and from potential mates. So, for all intents and purposes, they are severely conflicted about sexuality. Then they get married and are expected to be open and free about sexuality. As they experience increasing pressure to perform, they begin to shut down, not because they don’t want their husbands, but because of conflicts with childhood beliefs and how trespassing those beliefs makes them feel about themselves. Our foundation is built in childhood and we live life based on that foundation (consciously and unconsciously)
As far as men, we often grow up having much more freedom sexually. When boys have sex we are called “studs” where as girls are called sluts. That’s a big difference in the esteem of men versus women concerning sex.
Men often feel guilty for asking for sex because we believe that our wives are not able to handle our sexuality (that somehow women are victims), that we have somehow hurt her. This is often the reason that a man needs his wife to be a full participant in the experience and not “doing it for him” because if she is not a full participant and wants it, we believe that we are somehow hurting her/taking advantage of her, which triggers men to feel guilt and shame and therefore withdraw from initiating. In reality, we are not hurting them, we are triggering childhood beliefs about what it means to be a woman and to be sexual.
The reality is, if you look at the statistics, in more than 50% of couples seeking marriage counseling it is the man who loses interest in having sex with his wife. It is not simply because he doesn’t want to initiate. It is because sex requires him to engage emotionally with his wife. It’s the sacrificial part of marriage for the guy (primarily). She’s happy not having sex because sex requires sacrifice on her part. God designed us to get our primary needs met in marriage by the unselfishness of our spouse. This means if the guy wants sex he will need to sacrifice his nature to meet her emotional needs. If the girl wants emotions and conversation she sacrifices her less sexual nature (not in all cases) to meet his sexual needs.
Sex is highly intimate for each party but for differing reasons. It requires a vulnerability likely to send each into hiding or building walls to protect themselves. There are deep root issues in these cases. Not initiating sex as a ‘test’ to see how long the woman will not initiate is not only wrong, it’s manipulative.
If a man stops initiating because he is hurt and feels he’s tried everything I am suggesting he probably hasn’t allowed himself to be totally transparent and vulnerable in the marriage which is what she must have to feel safe sexually. Please understand I place no blame or innocence on one particular sex.
The marriage bed is where unhealed wounds in our hearts will be most visible. It either becomes a place of healing or the location where our walls become our fortress.
There are lots of issues that can come to play here, but don’t forget hormones are very biological. Lori, your husband may need to talk to a trusted counselor, but he also may need to have a blood test and look into supplementing with testosterone.
Yeh, it happened to us too…
Pornography for all the years of our marriage. He likes to leave his life the way he wants to … no space for me in it… No time or attention for me…
Belittling, telling me that no one will need me… But still, wanting me in bed once in a while.
I am young, and i enjoy sex and intimacy with it. But enough is enough!
I used to give in, because I really need it myself…
But about 6 mo ago, after I went through something hard (health issue), and he didn’t care, I made a decision – no more. He won’t use me like that any more.
Well, I am deprived, I do not feel even married… I envy any couple that hold hands, that look at each other lovingly…
Christmas season is such a romantic time for me, and I imagine myself sitting on the couch in front of fire place with loving, kind man….
Yes, we do have a fireplace …but no loving man around…
We are just a roommates.
But I cannot sleep with the man that mistreats me most of the time…
Sad thing is – it’s even doesn’t bother him. He stays on the computer most of the nights, just like he did before.
Very thought provoking article.
In reply to Cliff How we raise our children in the US is problematic. We ought to stress that sexual love is good and is God’s gift that He intended for marriage. Avoid the harmful consequences of sex outside of marriage. End the double standard: If promiscuity on the part of a woman or girl is wrong then it is also wrong for a man or adolescent boy. Let’s give our children a sex positive message so that when they marry they will not suffer needless and harmful inhibitions in this area.
Kat: Great insights. Withholding sex and/or not asking for it within marriage is itself harmful to the marriage in addition to being a symptom of hurting spouses. The couple can not wait until all hurts are healed before engaging in lovemaking. Sexual intimacy can be a key ingredient in a healing process. Agreed, the lovemaking is both emotional and physical.
Andrea: I have seen many comments (on various blogs) suggesting supplementing with testosterone. Might I encourage men and women to research the safety of this? It is not as safe as you might think. A husband could take steps to have his body make more testosterone naturally through eating the foods that help with that. As well, regular exercise, losing some extra pounds and getting enough sleep will contribute to better overall health and more sexual desire in a man.
I am “that wife”. My hubby has stopped initiating sex and I’m glad about it. At the risk of being hurting the male ego, I will address the elephant in the ‘chat’ room;Women can enjoy sex too, if it is enjoyable. As a wife, I am tired of sex being another act of “fulfilling my duties”. If it is enjoyable, you won’t have to beg.
It’s ironic that most women say, “if you ask me for sex it puts pressure on me, and that makes me not want to have sex.”
Yet, if the man does not ask, she has no interest in sex and it therefore never happens. See cases above 100+ days, 300+ days, etc. Heads she wins, tails he loses.
Ask and you don’t get it, don’t ask and you don’t get it. Ladies, is it so difficult to comprehend why the husband eventually stops asking?
A lot of women think it’s “childish” to keep track of things, such as the number of no-sex days since, say August for example (it’s now December). But if you took something important away from them, or denied them something they needed, even for a short time, you can bet your bottom dollar she would know the last month, day, time, and second they got it.
It’s kind of sad when the husband finally surrenders. She wins, but she loses a husband and gains a room mate. It’s not what he signed up for when he said, “I do” and he was unfortunately too naive to know this is the likely “…for worse” category of occurrences that most marriages create. It wasn’t what she signed up for either, but she is permitted to change while he is expected to remain the guy who performs happily all of his marital duties until death.
News for the wives: Be careful what you wish for. Once you send your husband across this bridge he’s not coming back. Blame him all you want, and you probably will, but the fact remains: his male nature requires sex. There is nothing he can do about that. However there IS something YOU can do about it.
Most of the men in these circumstances are good men, men who work hard, provide for and take care of their families, and hold up their end of the marriage covenant including loving their wives and being monogamous (well, celibate really, but what’s the difference?)
My husband and I were fortunate enough to receive some critical wisdom and counseling in this area before we were married. God designed marriage to be an intimate covenant between a man and a woman, and sex is very much an intended part of that process. Coming together physically renews that covenant and that strengthens that oneness. It’s not a bad thing! God desires for us to have a personal and intimate relationship with him, to know him, to trust him, to be vulnerable with him. If marriage is designed to be a reflection of the way Christ loves the church – and according to Ephesians 5, it is – then our marriages were never intended to be “roommate” situations. They were intended to be flourishing, thriving, growing, intimate, joyful relationships! It is EVIDENT throughout Scripture that God very much intends for sex to be a part of that (see Song of Soloman, for starters!). But marriage, also, is supposed to be selfless: if both partners are asking, “how does my spouse feel loved? How can I show them love in a way that they feel loved?” Then there is a cycle of selflessness and serving each other.
Sometimes there are issues or past abuse, or other emotional traumas that both men and women have to face. But for the sake of loving your spouse, that person that you promised to cherish and love forever, the husband and wife need to see that the correct counseling takes place for the effected spouse, while the other is going to have to practice abounding love and patience and give their spouse protection and trust….
My heart breaks reading this story and these comments. This is not how marriage was intended to be. Sex is beautiful and intimate and unifying. Women, as a woman, I challenge you to love your husbands in a way that shows them that you honor and respect them. How can we empower them to love and lead us and our families in the way that God calls them to do so if they feel like we don’t love them, don’t support them, don’t cherish them, and don’t want to be on their team? I’m not saying that sex is the whole of this. I am saying that sex is an important part of it. When ALL of this comes together…and there is selflessness, honor, respect, love, communication, transparency, trust towards one another…..the marriage flourishes.
Oh, and my final note: do not bring your own doom upon you by buying into the lies of the this culture which say that a marriage like I’ve just described doesn’t actually exist, or can’t happen in real life, or only happens in romance novels or movies. No, my friends: I am living it, and know couples are living it, some of them married over 50 years now. Get good information, seek out couples who ARE thriving in their marriages and ask for help, turn to our Father who desires this kind of marriage for you and ask for help! And, it may require a hard conversation with your spouse, letting them know that they’ve hurt you in this and you’re asking them to love you in this way, and can you you seek counseling or help together…..keep fighting, my friends.
I agonized for days, wanting to post a comment, and have read all the other comments, and I really would like to add my opinion as well. I am 52, married 24 years, 4 kids. My wife and I just few days ago, after a painful conversation, decided for a ( hopefully ) temporary stop to physical intimacy. She told me that on he side, “there is nothing there” No emotion, no connection, she feels nothing. She could go weeks, months, with no sex. The desire just is not there. She also told me that in a way, for the past few years, she kind of went through the motions, half lying and half trying to convince herself that if she tries long enough, something will improve. I felt this coming a long way, and just as Julie says, right now the frustration and depression about it has reached the point of just not even trying. We live like roommates, good friends, no benefits. Outside of the bedroom, all looks fine. She is nice, cordial, every now and then we cuddle. And that’s it. She seems to have a hard time understanding my position. It is not “physical intercourse or release” that I am after. What I would like to do is find my wife next to me, not an asexual woman. Connection, refuge, recharge, escape. Out there it is hard enough to keep going with bills, kids, career, carpooling, etc etc,. we all know the drill. A couple must, MUST, be able to “meet emotionally” to shut out the outside for just a small fraction of time, and find each other, connect again, validate each other’s existence, be one for a while, and then go out there again.
If that is not present, if a spouse cannot have that, then things start to fall apart inside one’s heart. I do not watch porn, the temptation is there, but for now I refuse to “cheap out” like that. Yes, she went to the doc, hormones are OK, blood work is fine. She herself recognizes that it is in her head. As a family we ha a traumatic experience a few years back, that almost broke us. We came out of it “holding hands” and she had told me how she felt that it all strengthen our relationship so much. Few months later, it was all over, and her feelings and emotions were gone. Now I am puzzled on what to do. 6 months of no intimacy are gonna be hard to manage. I could go on for hours, but I just wanted to vent. Thanks Julie for the forum.
An excellent post that really hit home. As the husband in a sexless marriage I know first hand the hurt and damage the constant rejection of your advances can do. my wife and I have been married for 30 years and our sex life has never been one to write about, but it has always met our needs until now. My wife was sexually and physically abused for years as a child from 4 through her teenage years. She has been through counseling and therapy and we worked our way through that. Then 5 years ago a bout with breast cancer for her and a year later a massive heart attack for me seems to have set things back to the start again. We have not had sex now in 3 years.
Her opinion now is that kissing and sex is gross and disgusting and her “wifely duties” are over. Any mention of sex is met with anger and storming off, refusing to talk about it at all. I have suggested counseling but that is met with the same anger and refusal. Right now I’m at my wits end. I miss the intimacy more than anything. Until you can’t hold your wife or kiss her the pain can’t be described. I am so tired of living alone in the same house. I still love her and she is still as desireable to me as she was 30 years ago but I have no answers to this. she does not even attend church with me anymore Thank you for your site, I know that Jesus is the God of miracles and I have put it in his hands. Prayers
Wow. This article just hits me completely. I wrote here about 2 years ago about my marital situation, which has since deteriorated. My wife has emotionally and physically almost completely checked out of our marriage. It started with her not really reciprocating or initiating the basic stuff like the “I love you’s” etc. but over the last 7 years has moved into the bedroom to the point where we hardly ever make love any more (our record is 6 months without sex, which happened a few years ago). We make love, on average once a month now (So I guess we are doing better than some here) but it seems to me that it has become “pity sex”, as there is no real engagement on her part. It’s just like something that needs to be gotten over with. Mostly it’s around when she’s ovulating, so I know it’s just hormones skewing the norm.
Just over a year ago I sat my wife down and went over everything with her, after having talked to a friend of mine (an elder in our church) to try and find the best approach. At first it seemed like things were getting better, but that did not last long. Again, a couple of months later, when we were on holiday, I brought up the issue again. I asked her what the problem was, what she thought it was. She said she didn’t know – in all honesty, she appeared to not think there was a problem. I asked her if she would try and find out, whether it was medical, past issues or what. She was totally noncommittal and has not done anything (from what I can tell) about it since then.
I’ve recently brought the situation up with the same friend again that I spoke to earlier, who is upset about what is happening, but what can one really do when your wife is not interested in engaging or sorting things out? I’m the one who has brought the situation up, she doesn’t seem to be at all bothered whilst I am being completely eaten up inside. There is literally not an hour in the day that I am not dwelling on it in some size or form. We are almost at the point now where we are the proverbial roommates who happen to have 3 beautiful children, but not much else in common. Oh for the most part we get on fine. But hey, I thought marriage was more than just “getting along” and being barely connected by anything aside from shared parenting responsibilities.
My wife is actively involved in our church (she is a stay at home mom so has more time for this than most of the woman I know, who have to work). There is always time for organising church stuff, having coffee with her friends and doing all sorts of activities. There is always time for the latest series on Netflix. There is always time for arranging and coordinating the regular missions meetings at church. But it seems that when it comes to working on our marital life, intimacy and sex, this is at the bottom of the list.
I’ve reached the dangerous point now that Julie has spoken about in the article where I’ve stopped caring. I love my wife, but I’ve just stopped caring or being bothered by the situation, because she doesn’t care and is clearly not interested. I love my kids too, and I find myself putting all my energy into their lives instead. I want them to see that being hugged, being told “I love you” and emotionally looked after is normal and right (although funnily enough, my wife does not have a problem expressing this to our kids). I’m checking out until my wife wakes up and starts checking back in. I cannot fathom or understand how we can limp along like this and she can find it “normal” and not care enough to even be bothered to initiate a conversation about it.. I am just literally stunned that she doesn’t see the problem and the damage being done.
As the article says, I’ve stopped initiating, so I am not initiating in other aspects of our lives either. What’s the point after all? I;ve had years of proof that it doesn’t help anything.
I am not initiating sex anymore, because inevitably it will be met with a half-hearted response or even annoyance. Wives out there: you really need to know, us husbands can tell straight way that you don’t want to be there with us and that you have mentally checked out.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
“andrea says:
December 11th, 2014 at 12:18 am
I am “that wife”. My hubby has stopped initiating sex and I’m glad about it. At the risk of being hurting the male ego, I will address the elephant in the ‘chat’ room;Women can enjoy sex too, if it is enjoyable. As a wife, I am tired of sex being another act of “fulfilling my duties”. If it is enjoyable, you won’t have to beg.”
That may be the reason you refuse your husband. But it isn’t true for most people.
LS
One thing people seem to miss is this. yes, there is more to marriage than sex, but without sex, marriage essentially becomes a brother/sister relationship. I love my sisters more than I can express. I would literally die for them if I had to. I care about them. I love them. I “click” with them. I understand them. I grew up with them. But as a grown man, I have no interest in living with them. I’m fine seeing them once every few months. We talk here and there when we can. But Daily living together. No thanks! The only person I want to do that with is a woman who I’m in a sexual relationship with. I never tire of being with my wife because there is that basic sexual connection. We are lovers. But if that’s removed, I’d rather be alone most days. Not out of animosity or spite. If I was single, I’d want to live alone. By myself. Not with my sisters or my brothers. So if a wife or a husband is CHOOSING asexuality in their marriage, they are choosing to be alone.
LS
I’d like to chime in here and say, I feel my parents gave me a very balanced view of “what a woman should be”. Some of the things my dad might have said MIGHT have been a little off, but I grew up with parents who very jealously guarded my sexual life, and at the same time gave me a good view. I don’t know how they did it either, but I am thankful. I do understand what many of these commentors say so many young ladies don’t know. Yet, I would have grown up in a rather strict family/christian setting. (at least by most peoples standards)
This is to the wives and it may hurt, but please (I beg you) to read my story…..
This is my 3rd marriage of 15 years and I brought alot of baggage, alot of junk into our marriage. We are both believers in Jesus Christ, my husband pastor’s a small church and we are very active in our church and our community. I have had so many health issues and emotional damage that I really wanted nothing to do with sexual intimacy. In fact, if he never intiated, I was fine with that!!! We looked good, active in things of the Lord and why would sex have to be present anyways??? That was my reasoning!!! BUT GOD!!! Through the many years of pain, God has been speaking to my heart that I (as the wife) need to die to myself and give my life away to my husband. I know this may cause many wives to cringe and stop reading at this point, but again please hear me out. When we got married, it was “for better or worse,” the worse could be our sex lives but it doesn’t have to be that way. Read Rev. 2:4-5, repent and go back to your first love, repent and do the first works. We are not just hearers of the Word, but doers also. Happy are those who do!!! Yes, its hard!!! I’ve been there so often in my marriage that I believe it truly made me sick, sick of myself, sick physically, sick of life!!!
Sexual intimacy in marriage is a form of worship to God!!! He is in the room with you and your husband. Go back, remember the things you did together, come up with new things to do together, write love notes, love texts, think about your husband during the day. Don’t allow your thoughts to be so bombarded with the kids, work, ministry, etc…. Our first ministry ( I believe) is to our husbands!!! The family being the first institution which represents the unity of God. As believers, we all know this but happy are those who DO!!! We must act upon the things we know is pleasing to the Lord!!! It’s a decision that we all have to make. Me too, daily!!!
Switch the genders and this is us completely. I long for my husband, but can’t stand the rejection anymore. So I dream of something else, someone else…hoping something will change.
to DH – I hear you, I’m there too. I posted above but I will tell you that part of the issue is mine. I’ve worshipped sex. “What you feed grows, what you starve dies”. The lack of sex led me to focus on it, daily, hourly, etc. The more I didn’t have, the more I focused on it (fed it) and that beast is insatiable. I say “beast” because here is where the enemy REALLY shows up especially in Christian marriages. He just loves it when you and I obsess over this and he’ll wreak havoc. Second point … you need to take it to your wife (again) but this time in a direct (not “what do you think the problem is”) manner — take it directly to her. Tell her this is causing enormous problems in the marriage and tell her that you have resigned yourself and that you have now decided to never initiate. In other words, that you’ve given up. Then tell her you want to take this to the next level and go into counseling. You are right, this is not the way marriage is to function. It is dysfunctional and if you had a dysfunctional kid who couldn’t make it in school, you’d do anything to get him/her right and healed and on the way. Your marriage is more important than that because if the marriage is checked-out and resigned, it won’t be long before the kids feel it too. This is URGENT. Do not fool around with this stuff – it is fire and it’ll burn you. Your manhood is bestowed upon you by God, not your wife. Don’t take your manhood to her because if you give her the power to validate you as a man, she can also take that way which it appears she has done. No, it comes from God but you need to be dead-level honest with her, in love, and tell her that while she might not have a problem with the intimacy in your marriage, you do and that it is crushing you and dividing the marriage. Honesty is the best policy. Bring it into the light. In the darkness, it’ll eat you up and Satan loves the darkness.
Well, landschooner just about summarized the situation between me and my wife. She seems to be indifferent to having physical intimacy or not. So, in a way, she chose to be alone, and apparently seems to be fine with it. And here is where things get fuzzy, and I have a question for Julie and the others..
While talking to my wife about physical intimacy, I told her that in a way, I needed our little parenthesis of the two of us, being alone. Regardless if that is to have sex, cuddle, or just .. hold hands and what not. Because I like it, I feel that I need it.
Her reply to me was that “you should not need me to meet your emotional needs. You need God to meet your emotional needs. God meets *ALL* my emotional needs. I am fine with God, I do not need physical intimacy to meet any of my emotional needs.”
I nearly fell off the chair. two decades of marriage and I hear this… Now, in a way, she has a point. We should not lean or rely on our spouse to meet all our needs, some needs are to be met by God and God alone. I am sure, however, that there is a little verse somewhere in Genesis that say something like “it is not good for man to be alone..” Apparently my wife is at a point where she does not need me anymore, and she just told me that and I should not “need” her.
Is my thinking upside down, or this reasoning is beyond absurd ? There is a whole entire long back story to this, and I am not sure Julie wants me to dump it here, but… OK, everybody, here it is: is it unreasonable for a spouse to say to her/his dear spouse “I really enjoy when we are together, and I need that in order not to go insane in this world, and I like it when we re together, because it helps me, because I feel better when we are together”
Is it wrong or a sign of weakness to say that ?
Am I gone crazy ?
Landschooner, I’ll bite, if that’s not the reason, do tell, what is?
@Mark F… In my opinion, your wife is being careless with what God’s Word says about marriage. Her reasoning is absurd. You are not crazy for wanting to be intimate (physically, emotionally, etc.) with the one person God has said you should be intimate with in that way. God cannot meet your sexual needs. You are a married person, and married people are commanded and encouraged and blessed by the Lord to have sex and to have it often.
This sounds like my wife and my life. She blames me for the lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage. I will admit in the past I was not the nicest person emotionally. I will not try to justify my actions because I understand I could have chosen to react to her in a more positive way. In the past year I have worked really hard to be much nicer and loving toward her even in the midst of complete rejection from her. I have been living in a sexless marriage for about 4 years. We have not slept in the same bed in about 7 years and we have been married for 9 years. Anytime I try to have a conversation with her about our lack of a sex life she shuts me down and tells me not to talk to her about sex. I am trying to be nice and understanding with my wife, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I constantly pray about our marriage and ask for God’s will to be done and I believe that God does not want us to get divorced. I just don’t know where else to turn or how much more rejection I can take. Why do women and men get married only to relegate their spouse to the position of least importance in their lives?
Julie, thank you for your kind comment.
There is a longer back story to this situation, as it happens in all marriages, and especially after 23 years of it.
My wife is extremely spiritual. Bookshelves of books, DVDs, material, spiritual conferences, she has done it all, and is always, always on the lookout for more “on fire” conferences around the country. I cannot count the times I would be in bed, waiting and hoping, while she was feet away, looking at the like of her favorite “healing, spiritual, on-fire devotional” speaker.
Let’s make one thing clear, however. During the 23 years of marriage, I have NOT been the perfect husband. OK, I often missed the mark for the “good husband” . We had our very dark moments, and with God’s help, came out of it, together. Or so I thought, judging from her comments of how much stronger our relationship had become, having endured struggles together, hand in hand. Turned out that was not quite. Now she said that all of her emotions for me are gone, no feelings, no emotional connection whatsoever. And it has been like that for 15 years. Fo all this time she says that during our intimate moments she would “dissociate” and go somewhere else with her mind. Does not want to consider therapy, and for now we agreed to stop sex altogether, for sis months, so we can work on our marriage. I do not want pity sex, I do not want her to be absent when we are intimate. I do not want to feel like I literally ask for permission to hold her hand or cuddle, while in bed. She never makes any attempt to initiate even the smallest gesture of normal couple affection, and I feel like I literally have to beg to hold her hand or hug her. This is absolutely killing me as an individual. Shredding my spirit. I have worked on my issues for years, as she requested, and I keep on walking on eggshells, not to repeat attitudes and behavior that in the past have done damage to the marriage. My question is for how long do I need to pay the price. Apparently she is very good in explaining forgiveness to others, but if she forgave me, she sure has not forgotten, and I cannot stand anymore having to ask “may I give you a hug?” to my wife of 23 years. She is otherwise very cordial to me, and the kids, off course. However, she wants me to be completely self-sufficient emotionally ( sex is way out there… we are talking basics here..), and in that regards, it is like facing a huge wall of rejection. I am not the perfect theologian, but I am sure it isn’t supposed to work that way. Being married and absurdly lonely, and having to feel guilty on top of it , is not the way it should be.
Thanks again, and Marry Christmas .
Mark F,
I agree with Julie. Your wife’s reasoning is absurd. My response would be, “You’re right. God does meet our needs, but it isn’t always directly through God. Sometimes it’s through people. I THOUGHT God put us together to help each other with our needs. It’s now very clear to me you don’t see it that way.” I will warn you that you’re not going to get a favorable reaction from her. If she gets angry, I recommend you remain extremely calm, but don’t apologize. That’s my $0.02.
“andrea says:
December 11th, 2014 at 12:18 am
I am “that wife”. My hubby has stopped initiating sex and I’m glad about it. At the risk of being hurting the male ego, I will address the elephant in the ‘chat’ room;Women can enjoy sex too, if it is enjoyable. As a wife, I am tired of sex being another act of “fulfilling my duties”. If it is enjoyable, you won’t have to beg.”
Andrea – let’s not ignore the elephant in the room for the sake of we refused husbands – could you please openly and transparently describe what factors would need to change (or be introduced) so that sex is enjoyable with your husband and make you more willing?
@TheWaterBoy Some things that had to change for me:
I needed to understand my husband wanted ME, not IT. (Actually, I’ve begun to wonder if these are synonymous for some husbands)
I needed to understand that sex is how he feels loved, respected, accepted, appreciated, approved, etc.
I needed to understand why sex made me feel otherwise. When I first returned to our bed, I compared sex to jumping into the deep end of a pool with no ability to swim and no one to help me. Another time, I said I felt like a child being told to go play in heavy traffic. Another time, I likened sex to being dangled out of a top story window in a high rise building. Long story short, I didn’t feel safe emotionally, so I had no motivation to be close with my husband.
I needed my husband to limit his alcohol consumption. Heavy consumption led to really bad breath and me turning my face away from him as well as a yeast infection EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I needed him to stop ogling other women and commenting emphatically on their beauty. I needed him to compliment me instead. I needed to let go of feeling inadequate.
I needed to believe he was not imagining another woman when we were together.
When I began to enjoy sex, I needed him not to boast and take credit for it.
When he uses the bathroom before coming to bed, I need to hear him wash his hands VERY THOROUGHLY.
I need him to be okay with me not having orgasms.
I needed him to stop taking unnecessary risks that jeopardized his health and wellbeing.
Every woman has her own story. I hope you and your wife can begin to peel back the layers and come to know one another.
This hit hard its
My life told by a stranger I honestly doubt that anything I do will make her need me the way I honestly need her so I just stop trying a man can only take so much and I would rather be dead than without her and I real a big part of me is dead all I ever wanted was for her to be happy
@waterboy…that’s just it, I (sorry to say) couldn’t answer that because I’m not your wife; every woman is different, just like a fingerprint or a snowflake. However, I do know who does know…your spouse! Talk openly and honestly with her…You initiating that conversation; and most importantly LISTEN and use that
info as the two of you explore…
@waterboy…that’s just it, I (sorry to say) couldn’t answer that because I’m not your wife; every woman is different, just like a fingerprint or a snowflake. However, I do know who does know…your spouse! Talk openly and honestly with her without judgement…You initiating that conversation; and most importantly LISTEN and use that
info as the two of you explore…
I echo so many other of the comments here, as an otherwise happily married man in a sexless marriage. We’ve had it…once…in the last year. She seems to recognize it’s not good and has no other complaints, but nothing happens. It’s painful because everyone who knows both of us doesn’t, of course, know this story at all — this is actually my first place to comment about it anywhere…and assumes we are this super happy couple. In some ways, it’s great — we never argue or anything, but…in our 7 years or so of marriage we’ve had sex…probably 10 times, if that.
andrea — Men try that, it doesn’t work. Short of divorce, the situation never changes. I see a ton of advice on this site and others about how we need to be open and honest, but most men have tried that. They’re just doomed in a sexless marriage barring lightning striking.
K – the openness and honesty need to come from both husband AND wife. In my case, I did not know what I felt or why I felt that way. It took the help of a professional to guide me, and the process was EXTREMELY painful.
I would guess that most wives who refuse are not doing so in an effort to hurt their husbands, but rather, to protect themselves. We find safety and security in solitude and detachment. We would rather be alone than be “not enough.” We choose safety over vulnerability and intimacy.
Hi folks
Reba – thank you for your response. I wish it was as easy as thoroughly washing my hands, staying off the turps or keeping my head straight as a beautiful woman walks by or letting my wife think I am imagining another woman in bed. Those particular issues really do not apply in my case as I am an intermittent drinker and acceptably clean and well groomed.
Andrea – thank you also for your response. I really asked the question what would make it more enjoyable for you.
We all know we need to speak to our wives about this – however the response is usually “Its not you – its me” and the issue is not to be discussed in depth.
When it becomes a big issue and I threaten to take this to marriage counselling things will be OK for a while until the threat of marriage counselling is over.
My wife did tell me once that she is not longer attracted or “in love” with me like we were in the beginning and this occurred after the birth of our second son.
She has said that she no longer has any real interest in sex apart from taking care of my needs. She wishes there is no need for sex in marriage as we are a great team in all aspects “apart from this one thing”. However I have occasionally seen my wife look longingly at other men – although because of my wife’s social, religious and moral convictions desires are not followed through.
Julie – I am wondering whether the theory espoused by Michelle Langley of womensinfidelity.com holds true as the pattern seems to be true – and many men who have lost their wives report a similar pattern of behaviour. The difference is many Christian wives do not physically act on their desires and stay married due to their convictions.
The husbands that write here could certainly relate to:
“Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them”.
Michelle runs through the following stages of real and emotional affairs, leaving husbands to report that the cycle continues:
“Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship”.