Where Great Sex is Hiding…

do not disturb

I have forgotten nearly every wedding I’ve attended.

Including my own. (And it was a mere 11 years ago).

Sure, I remember snippets here and there; moments that stand out.

A particularly mischievous ring bearer.

A humorous speech at the reception.

Or this one time when a pastor said something particularly shocking — yet so spot on — during the actual wedding ceremony.

For the most part, though, the further we get away from the day of a wedding, whether it is our own or someone else’s, the hazier the details become.

Wouldn’t you agree?

(I mean, are you thinking of your own wedding right now and realizing you can’t even remember what your tux looked like or what you said during your vows or what was served at the reception?)

Yes, I’ve forgotten nearly every wedding I’ve attended.

Marriages, on the other hand — particularly of people I know well — are emblazoned on my heart and mind.

How closely do you watch the marriages around you?  How closely do you watch your own?

Awhile back I used to speak on abstinence in our local public schools, and at one point in the program, I offered the young people this suggestion:  “Learn from the marriages around you.   Learn what you don’t want in your own marriage some day.  And learn what you DO want.”

I knew statistics would show that a good portion of those kids would get married eventually.

And I wanted them to understand that a healthy marriage is not a fairytale wedding.  Nearly all marriages begin with some semblance of fairytale.  Rare, though, is the marriage that sets up camp in the fairytale.

Most move on from there, and the two people who stood at the altar must decide if they are going to build a relationship characterized by trust, friendship, vulnerability, respect, commitment, kindness, love, compassion, patience, forgiveness and selflessness.

That’s a tall order.

Not for the faint of heart.  Which is exactly why I tell teens to choose wisely someday.  Marriage is not for the faint of heart … the quick to run in the face of adversity… the drama queens… the selfish lovers… the easily angered… the jealous whiners… the “I want things my way.”


It’s for the ones who are willing to invest in trust, friendship, vulnerability, respect, commitment, kindness, love, compassion, patience, forgiveness and selflessness.

All those characteristics are possible — and if we look closely at the individual marriages around us, we either see those traits or we don’t.

So where is the great sex?  Which marriages is it hiding in?

I’ve thought about this a lot.

Lucky for me, I’m not too hesitant to ask people about their sexual intimacy.  Usually, they are volunteering information before I even ask, once they find out my passion for encouraging marriages in this area.

More often than not, when two people are building a healthy marriage — characterized by those qualities I mentioned earlier — then they are also having great sex.

Great sex hides in healthy marriages.

It is a byproduct of two people putting in the heartfelt — and sometimes painstaking — work of forging something that began with vows.

I’m always a little leery when someone says to me that their marriage is “great” but they are rarely or never having sex.  I don’t doubt that they believe it is “great.”  I just question if it is really all it could be or if their spouse would say the same thing.

Great sex hides in healthy marriages.

We are a society that likes quick fixes and immediate gratification. We are conditioned that way — to get a lot for little.  But the healthiest of marriages are far removed from those kind of principles.

Look at the marriages around you.  Look at your own marriage.

Where is the great sex hiding?

Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

8 thoughts on “Where Great Sex is Hiding…

  1. Chuck says:

    Our Pastor that married us used to say, “If there are problems in the marriage it will show up in the bedroom first!” After 30+ yrs. it still holds true today. Good article.

  2. Reba says:

    I am one who remembers her vows: I take you [NAME] to be my husband and I promise before God and all who are present here to be your loving and faithful wife, to serve you with tenderness and respect, and to encourage you to develop God’s gifts in you.

    As you indicate, ’tis a tall order.

  3. no way!...just call me Mike says:

    Might be the wrong place to put this but I’m doing it because this blog post is new.

    Quite frankly, I’m looking for some sympathy and understanding. I can’t discuss this with my buddies (guys who are having trouble in the sack tend to be looked down on by other guys)….I can’t discuss it with girlfriends (A-I don’t have/am not allowed to have any, and B-If I talk to her’s about it it will likely get back to her and then she gets mad because she feels humiliated).

    The biggest problem for me is I’m 51 and my drive is still high (3 times plus a week would be ok with me), her’s is MAYBE twice a month and that’s only because if more than two weeks go by I tend to start getting hostile (yeah, my fault, I’ll own it). I fully understand she has had a total hysterectomy and that has absolutely removed/killed any drive she might have. Also intimacy is so scripted, I can recite the plan from memory and almost set my watch by it. I crave diversity/excitement, she doesn’t. I will apologize upfront for the sorid details but I consider myself a pretty good lover. I think I’m pretty good orally (her squirming all over the bed and asking for more make me believe that). The problem is I have pretty much had to beg for reciprocation and even then is is mediocre is quality and duration. She absolutely refuses to hear any constructive requests (could you do this, touch here etc) those request cause the “I’m not good enough for you” response which then leads to tears and “you’re going to leave me” fight. I am NOT going anywhere…yet, but I cannot and WILL NOT spend the next 20 years of my life living in a marriage where intimacy and needs are all on her terms. I hate that I feel this way, and have told her as much, but my needs and wants count for SOMETHING. I’m a guy…no apologies…I know what turns me on…what feels good…why am I not allowed to ask for these things? In the past I have had women absolutely rock my world (FWIW I DON’T want to count those as notches in my belt and I’m not really proud of some of my history, at all). I realize that everyone has limits of what is and is not ok with them and we should respect those limits, but when things are dismissed out of hand, resentment sets in.

    Even something like deep passionate kissing seems to be missing. Again, I apologize, but the intertwined tongues, sucking lips IS enjoyable. Light tongue / lip touching DOES convey “I love you” (I DO get that) but deep passionate kissing IS a turn-on, makes you feel good, and conveys a deep “I love/want you” message. FWIW we didn’t start out this way. Thirteen years ago we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Other than our sex life our marriage SEEMS to be doing reasonably well (I will give the disclaimer that is MY point of view…I don’t always know what she is thinking). I will also admit that she does have other stressors, health, work, etc and I try to take those into account, but the longer this goes on, the more I perceive those being a crutch or an excuse.

    In closing, I know I started this post asking for sympathy, but I AM looking for feedback that I can’t elicit from mine or her friends….thoughts?…suggestions?

  4. Reba says:

    @noway In regard to the total hysterectomy, in my case that has not affected my drive. If anything, the improvement in my overall health has made a positive impact.

    Regarding “you’re going to leave me,” I wonder if your wife has some deep fear of abandonment issues that need tending. Mine didn’t truly surface until this past year, and I am 55. It is very difficult to engage or even want to engage when these underlying fears are wreaking havoc with your sense of worth. I instinctively knew that more sex would lead to a deeper emotional connection. I felt safer being alone.

    I pray you find some guidance and direction and healing.

  5. No way!...just call me Mike says:

    Reba, I think you nailed it! She often says she has abandonment issues, that anyone who ever loved her left (mom, dad, sis, fiancé, etc) says she needs me but I dont need her, that I wouldnt fall apart if she left (i cant, my upbringing taught me to shutout reliance on others). You make a very good and valid point and i thank you for that. Now all i gotta do is remove her anxiety, oh well, i’ll figure that one out at some point i guess.

  6. gloriousniyi says:

    Well having sex is one of greatest enjoyment in a marriage couples must have time for this ministry in marriage

    you can’t continue fighting when you always have sex married is not all about sex but without sex married will not last

    bible said can two walk without agreement

    And one body can never worm itself

    marriage is for two people

    Bible said in the book of ecclesiastic that the only gift you can get from God is to eat good food and enjoy your wife

    pls people let us know this that marriage is a blessing from God so is Sex in it


  7. Pingback: 5 Marriage Realities No One Ever Tells You | Intimacy in Marriage

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