He Wants Sex to Be Fun. You Just Want it to be Over.

marriage bedI received a comment the other day from a husband sharing about the lack of sexual intimacy in his marriage.

He made an observation that I think prevails in many marriages regarding sex:

“Many husbands want to have fun, but many wives want it to be over.”

Does that sound familiar? Reflective of  your own marriage?

You roll through the motions of sex, maybe even building up resentment toward him along the way.  And maybe it’s not resentment toward him specifically, but resentment at sex itself — that it is even a part of marriage.

Possibly you wish it were different.

That sex was just for procreation and nothing more. Or that it was listed in the Bible as optional for married couples, a “take-it-or-leave it” proposition.  A mere suggestion.

If you feel that way, then likely when you and your husband have sex, you simply want it to be over, right?

And the quicker it’s over, the better.

Meanwhile, the man you married had visions of something else in the marriage.

And his resentment is growing as well, because the one person with whom he is allowed to have sex seems to consistently be the person least interested in sex.

It’s a vicious cycle, this spiral of him wanting sex.  And you wanting it to be over.

And after awhile, that kind of bitterness and tension and division seeps all over the marriage, showing up in unexpected ways and in hidden corners that look like contempt.

Rather than safe haven.

What is ironic is that in many of those marriages, what each spouse truly is hungering for is authentic intimacy.

Contrary to what many wives believe, there are countless husbands out there who readily say that sex is never just about sex.  It’s about being deeply vulnerable and emotionally naked with the woman he married.

The degree to which his wife enjoys sex, seeks it with him, looks forward to it and yes, even has fun with it, speaks to him greatly about the depth of her love for him.

And I have talked to countless wives who say they want a husband who is more emotionally available — someone who wants her for more than her body.

She hungers for a man who is as interested in the inner workings of her heart and soul as he is in the feel of her breast in his hand or her body against his.

But don’t you see — doesn’t it start to make sense — that emotional desire and physical desire in a marriage are intricately connected?

It is difficult — almost impossible — to authentically experience one without the other.

This weave of physical and emotional intimacy is one of the ways God made marriage unique from any other human relationship.

And don’t even get me started on the spiritual intimacy a couple is missing out on when sex is reduced to nothing more than a bargaining chip.

If your husband wants sex to be fun and you just want it to be over, neither of you will likely ever have your thirst for emotional intimacy or physical intimacy quenched.

Think. About. That. For. A. Moment.

If the normal in your marriage is that sex is a battleground rather than a playground, then it is time for a new normal.

Yes, it’s either you both move toward a healthier new normal in your sexual intimacy or you continue on a path of the status quo of disconnect and discord.

When you look at it that way, does it simply grieve your heart?

Or does it actually inspire you to make a change?

Copyright 2014, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

73 thoughts on “He Wants Sex to Be Fun. You Just Want it to be Over.

  1. GoodDad says:

    Gosh, Amber, what pain you are experiencing.

    I’d give you the same answer I give males in the reverse situation: force change. Tell your spouse everything you’ve taken the trouble to tell us, except that you’re not accepting his behavior in this area any longer. It’s clear you’ve done all you can and been more than patient in waiting for results, but without a push you’ll be right where you are now in 50 years. Older, bitter and angry.

    You need a sexual partner in a spouse (everyone does) and it’s possible your spouse can become that kind of person you so much enjoyed with your first husband, but there’s a time where action needs to be taken. You’re there.

  2. JulieSibert says:

    @GoodDad… you are quick to say “force change” but the reality is that we cannot force someone to change. We can communicate our concerns and desires, but it’s pretty strong to say “force change.” The other person has to want to change.

    I agree that we cannot expect someone to read our minds, so open clear communication about the problem is of utmost importance.

    I just want to encourage you to realize that every marriage is different in that some spouses respond (like I believe yours did when the situation came dire), but that’s not always the case.

    Also, we have to be careful to not assume there is a blanket answer for all marriages where sexual intimacy is a struggle.

  3. GoodDad says:

    As the son of an addict, Julie, I know all too well that one person cannot change another. All you can do is change yourself and your environment, but change must nonetheless happen.

    As married Christians, however, many of us fall into enabling an unacceptable situation by not requiring a change in situation, or…else. No one leaving comments on this website is describing a 3-week old problem…it’s years old, sometimes decades, in the making. Action is required if the transgressor is to correct the damaging behavior. AA will tell you that if you wait until the alcoholic has lost everything and is lying in a gutter to force change, you have no leverage. It’s when they still have a home, a family and a job that the loss of those things are the incentive to change.

    Waiting until you’re 50 to demand a healthy physical relationship is too late. The damage is done, the children are gone, the bitterness may be permanent. I know you want the best for your followers. I will always defer to your judgement as far as posts go, of course.

  4. Dave says:

    Two boxers come into the ring ready to win. They both are on guard and both are looking to land punches. This is the mentality of us wanting our way in any relationship. We guard against the opponent & we want to knock them out. Our problem is that we mistake team mates for enemies. We mistake our way as the highway. Marriage is different from an individual addict. Many times it’s two self addicts trying lead the marriage down the path that the single person walked before the marriage. So, how do you stop the fight?

    Surrender. My marriage is getting better everyday. It is not my call to give ultimatums when I vowed to Jesus to give my life up for her as He did the church. Jesus the ultimate boxer went into the ring & kept His arms at His side & let the enemy pummel Him to death. Yes, surrender can lead to death. Yet, Jesus says that if we lose our life for Him He’ll give it back. Surrender isn’t to the enemy though. It has to be to Jesus, as He did to the Father. Surrender is not without truth. Jesus never compromised the truth while giving grace. Surrender is meekness. At any time Jesus could’ve called down armies of angels to stop the proceedings but didn’t because He knew that this is the only way it works. Example the love to death.

    We as human can walk by faith & will sin along the way. But, as we walk it by holding the Saviors hand through it, we will become a different person. Able to get through the day to the next without the agony that was once there. Eventually, the peace & purpose will shine through as we never knew it could. Then spouse will be standing all alone in the middle of the ring, because you stopped. They won’t have anymore reason to throw punches or guard against you. My wife is looking around right now. Looking for me. She finds me, now, in her corner. Not the man I used to be.

    True story people. The way the truth the life is for us to be for others as Jesus is for us.

  5. Daniel says:

    I agree with Julie, you can’t force change upon the other person. You can communicate and be brutally honest about your problems and your needs, and hope your spouse will be moved to do something. If things remains the same, well then what?

    GoodDad, I also understand what you are saying. You have to stand up for yourself. However the ONLY lever that remains at my disposal and perhaps others’, after months perhaps years of communicating on the issue, is to threaten to push the thermonuclear button. I must threaten to leave and destroy the marriage, the family, everything we have invested and built. My relationship with my kids. Our extended families. Our life. Implicit in your advice is to make that threat, and then assume that the threat will cause change. Maybe it will. However what if it does not? It seems a very dangerous gamble, and not one to take lightly.

    Perhaps I have misread you, and if so please do clarify.

    On the other end of the spectrum are the comments by Dave above. He has decided to accept his situation. Maybe that is the right course of action and ultimately the only proper one in a Christian marriage. Live without sex. It can be done. We’re doing it now.

    Sex is a destroyer. When you are single, sex is readily available, but it is wrong and something that can take you down some very bad paths with very bad consequences. When you a re married, sex is unavailable. That unavailability can take you down some really bad paths with very bad consequences. So, sex is a destroyer. Plain and simple. It saddens me and I hate that I have come to this miserable conclusion, however I see no other way to view it.

    For those with sexual fulfillment in marriage, you are so lucky, lucky beyond words. Two individuals having a nearly equal sex drive that lasts years into the marriage, even after kids, is luck. Or having a spouse who has a lower sex drive but understands it’s important to the other and actually does their part anyway, is luck. Or a blessing if you wish to think of it that way. In this area, I have not been blessed. And I am certainly not lucky.

    I am not a victim. No, I am not. I am a devoted husband in a sexless marriage. I have needs that cannot be fulfilled. That is all.

  6. Dave says:

    Wow, Daniel, thanks for the honesty. That is a very possible outcome to all of this. Not possible for you or Amber above, but reality. I went into my change of heart with Jesus with two things that could happen. 1. I would be a better disciple of Jesus with a greater relationship with Him & a better marriage/sex with wife. Or, 2. I would only have a better relationship with my Savior better able to be in my wife’s life whether we stayed married or not. I went into it knowing that God hates divorce. On my side that wasn’t an option. If she chose that she was free to. I learned also that faith is often connected to reward. That meant what ever the out come, I was going to be better for it. My prayer was no longer to save my marriage or sex, it was to be a better disciple of Jesus. I prayed for my wife in this way too. Prayerfully leaving the marriage in His hands.

    Through this, almost 20 yrs later, I can say that God rewards those who diligently seek Him. Sex is now better, marriage is now better. Yes, Daniel, I was willing to give it all up & have no sex if that were to happen. But, as the process went on I not only changed but my wife changed too. Now, where there was a marriage plagued by sexual drought now we are still growing together with sex more frequent & engaged. Still far from where I picture it but on the road to where ever God leads.

    Yes I see the reality of no sex & that being the reality that won’t go away. I thank my Lord though that His promises are greater than that. For those who see a dead end sex life, I feel your pain. Christ, more than I, does too. He wants to get you through it. Either with or without sex we can have an abundant life with Him.

  7. William says:

    Wow…this hits too close to home. So many people in a similar situation. I am in my early 40’s and the high desire spouse. Wife is in her early 30’s.

    Things fell apart after the kids came about. I have been battling this for 4 plus years…I have made progress from sex monthly or every 6 weeks to weekly…..however due to her health issues….anemia etc its slipping back to every once every two weeks.

    For me every other day or every 3 days is ideal. I get moody, cranky irritable…..I get tired of being told NO more than yes, and get tired of her never instigating.

    Yes she wants it to be over…..I get angry as I tried to explain that how can you expect someone who is starving to death, to eat a 5 course fine dining meal? I have explain that increasing frequency will be beneficial….longer times, more romance etc…

    I get called selfish for wanting sex more than her but she does not consider herself selfish for withholding..

    I threw out the article about would you want your spouse to cheat….the one where the low desire thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to withhold sex from your spouse, but not acceptable to go elsewhere…

    I am no saint….I bring home 80% of the household income and do about 30% of the household stuff….dishes….etc….I work 40plus…she about 25-30 outside the home.

    I am desperately trying to convince her that yes money, and chores are not split equally….and who cares……but I do not want to live like roomates……

    We did go away for my birthday 6 months ago just the two of us…..it was awesome…..

  8. The Wife says:

    So… How do you fix it? How does one go from duty sex to “good” sex?

    My husband and I have been married over 10 years now and we have four children (the youngest is three, so we’ve been past the sleepless night baby stage for a while). I homeschool and do almost all the cooking and cleaning (the kids all have their chores, but because my husband works outside the home and my job is the house, I refuse to let him “help me out” around the house). My days are a long list of to-do’s, but I am happy to raise and educate our children and make our home a restful haven (as restful as a house full of children can be, ha ha!) for my husband.

    I am exhausted most nights. I see sex as yet another line on my list, another chore to check off. I never refuse my husband, but what I have left for him isn’t good enough. I admit that what I give is duty sex, and I RESENT that my duty sex isn’t good enough. I tell him that at least I’m not flat out rejecting him like other women reject their husbands. But he wants me to be one of those overacting, screaming orgasm women from the porn movies. I’d love it if we never had sex again, but that’s not an option according to the Bible.

    Sex is work. I have to work really hard to get into the mood (him touching me is actually really counter-productive as it puts pressure on me to get in the mood faster, which kills what little interest I have drummed up at that point), I have to focus really hard to orgasm. He doesn’t believe me that I can enjoy sex without orgasm (I used to enjoy sex at the beginning of our marriage). After working hard all day, the last thing I want when I’m in bed, looking forward toward well-deserved rest, is more work.

    We usually have sex about once a week (his choice, I keep telling him if he wants sex all he has to do is tell me, and I resent that he doesn’t take advantage of my offer more often. It IS for him, after all), but now it has been over a week and a half, almost two weeks, and he hasn’t asked me. It makes me sad because I know he likes sex, and I don’t understand why he would deny himself, especially this long. I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want to hurt him by bringing it up. I suspect it’s because he resents that I don’t like sex, and that the sex I do offer is out of duty.

    So, I wonder, how do I fix me? How do I go from “just wanting it to be over” to actually enjoying it at least enough to make him happy? I didn’t see any suggestions in the post.

  9. Reba says:

    @TheWife Your post resonates with me because I felt the way you do for many years. What I have come to understand in the past year has been instrumental in changing my attitude. Sexual intimacy (aka lovemaking) is an opportunity to communicate love, respect, acceptance, admiration, affection, approval, etc. to my husband in HIS language. Were it just about physical release, it wouldn’t be so important to him. Wives can say and do all sorts of supportive and appreciative things during the day, but if those statements and actions aren’t reinforced in the bedroom, it’s like we’ve been lying to our husbands. Sexual intimacy is the only way they have of expressing their masculinity. Our full engagement and enjoyment is crucial to their feeling confident in all areas of life and to their sense of health and wellbeing as men.

    The bonding and connection that come along with frequent and regular sexual intimacy will help you feel your husband is your partner, not another person who needs something from you. There must be something you can change up in your daily routine to allow for more rest. I know of one woman who intentionally napped during the afternoon so she would have energy for her husband in the evening. That may be a challenge with homeschooling, but it is not impossible.

    Closeness with your husband should help you feel less pressured and more supported overall. It should genuinely make YOU happy, not just make him happy. He loves you and at the end of the day, longs to hold you, caress you, embrace you, and see you in ecstasy. When you vowed to love, honor, and cherish, forsaking all others, that includes housework, homeschooling activities, and childcare.

    When I think back to the days when I felt as you do, I now realize that if I had moved toward my husband instead of away, I would have had much needed love and support during a very challenging and difficult time in my life. I hope this is of some help for you and others who read this.

  10. Reba says:

    @TheWife I have continued to think about you and your post all morning, realizing I didn’t really offer many tips. Here goes:

    You mention your refusal to let your husband “help around the house” because he works outside the home and the house is your responsibility. If you manage the household and homeschool, you are working two full-time jobs. If he is offering, my advice is to accept with gratitude.

    I imagine you are highly organized, so it might even work for you to have a schedule. Perhaps two or three nights a week, he cleans up after supper, bathes the children, and puts them to bed. You could use this time for some solitude–take a walk, spend some time at a coffee shop and read a book, shop some clearance racks, take a bubble bath, etc. Lack of solitude might be one of the reasons you are not in “the mood.” Know that your husband may have a little different way of washing dishes and putting children to bed. That does mean his way is wrong–just different from yours. That is good for your children and it is good for him!

    If I am right about your being highly organized, you and I may be alike in that clutter depletes our energy. Make sure the one uncluttered room in your home is your bedroom. Novelty can also help put us in the mood–perhaps rearrange the furniture, purchase some new bedding, some new candles, etc.

    Regarding exhaustion, I have found it helpful to work on something for a given amount of time and then let it go until the next day. If I insist on finishing too many things and strive for perfection, I am never satisfied and feel a sense of failure at the end of the day. Progress is a healthier objective than perfection, as Julie stated so well in another post.

    Instead of expecting your husband to ask anytime he wants sex, start initiating, even if you don’t feel like it. I literally behaved my way into different thinking–emotions tend to follow actions. When we tell our husbands we could be happy for the rest of our lives without sex, we are telling them they are irrelevant. Ouch!

    Most important, pray for insight about these things. Seek a mentor (older Christian woman) who will pray for/with you and help you in this journey. Pray with your husband about this. When you awaken in the morning, ask what you can do to make your husband happy he’s alive and happy he’s married to you.

    Hope this helps some.

  11. The Wife says:

    @Reba It’s not really a challenging/difficult time for me. I love my life, and almost everything about it, just not the sex thing. He gives me plenty of support in my day-to-day activities. Our second son either has ADHD or is somewhere on the spectrum, but I’m not sure if I really want to label him so he doesn’t have an actual diagnosis, but either way, our son recently had an almost two week period where he was really hard to reach and it was a nightmare to get him to do his schoolwork. He does NOT do well in a school setting, so putting him in school is NOT an option. During that time, I told my husband how frustrated I was and he said loving, reassuring words letting me know he believes in my ability to teach and he believes in our decision to give our son the best learning environment for him. Normal, minor bumps in the road, yes, challenging period, no, plus my husband backs me up 100%. I feel loved and supported by my husband. He is my partner and my best friend. Everything other than sex is dang near perfect. Sex is the ONLY time I feel like he’s just “another person who needs something” from me.

    My problem is the sex I can give him either isn’t good enough, or he doesn’t find me attractive enough to have sex with me more often. I don’t like sex, it is a chore, but I’m always available to him, and I’m annoyed that he doesn’t take the sex he needs, because I know he needs it way more often than once a week. Sex had gotten to be boring long before it became a chore, and despite trying to “spice things up” (which didn’t do anything for me), it has stayed routine. When I have sex with my husband, it doesn’t foster this closeness you speak of, it puts the pressure on me that you claim the closeness will take away. I’m not young and adventurous any more. I’ve experienced all there is to experience (I’ve had A LOT of sex over the last 15 years or so, tried just about everything legal, and yes, I have repented of my promiscuous ways and I have let my past go), but my husband seems to think that we should have porn sex (with those stupid unrealistic positions and the fake orgasm screaming– it’s over-rated, by the way).

    Anyway, I’m out of ideas and I was hoping there would be answer to, “HOW do I FIX ME so I enjoy sex enough to make him happy?”

  12. landschooner says:

    @dave – Jesus scarified for us to save us. he knew he was going to be raised in three days and he knew that the father would lift him up and seat Him at his right hand. His letters to the churches DO have ultimatums and warning of discipline. That”s how Jesus loves the church. With sacrifice and discipline.

    To love without condition does not mean no conditions are placed. God make a VERY big deal of sin. Paul in 1st Corinthians 5 says that we ARE to judge those in the church. Jesus in Rev 2 and 3 warns His bride. he says “Do this or else” That’s not my opinion. That’s Christ to His bride.


  13. Reba says:

    @TheWife Sounds like your husband needs some “fixing” (as you put it) too. If his expectations were more realistic, perhaps you would feel less pressure and eventually begin to find pleasure and satisfaction in your lovemaking. It also sounds like he wants sex with person you used to be, rather than the woman you are today. You seem to be taking this on your own shoulders. Perhaps he needs to make some adjustments and move toward loving the new you. I am sorry for your pain and wish you well.

  14. Dave says:

    Thanks for the reply. You are correct. There is an ultimate ultimatum that is non-negotiable about Gods Word to us. And that is exactly what that word is, to us. God, the Great I Am, speaking to us. Creator to created. Sinless to the sinner. The way to the lost. Truth to the liar. Life to the dead.

    When I responded to GoodDad it was the context of sinner to sinner. Yes, God is in it all, & we must reflect that, but there are plenty of instructions for us to heed when we deal with eachother. Created to created. A place where I have no room to demand anything from another that I havnt applied to myself first. A place where I am told by God to forgive the lesser debt because He has forgiven my greater debt.

    Bottom line is that we need to check ourselves before we go speck hunting in other peoples eyes. We do a lot of damage with the lumber in our own eye, while speck hunting. God promises that the help goes better without the lumber in our eye. If we get it out first, then we see clearly to help get the speck out of our spouses eye.

    That is the sacrifice, or at least part of it. Many times that plank in my eye irritates me so much that I want to be distracted from it. I also like that plank to a certain level, so again I want to be distracted from removing it. That’s the sin within that protects ourselves. It protects itself. Sin puts one over on us and we are deceived into thinking we are correct when the plank tells God different.

    We are not correct to demand & force change or give ultimatums. The misconception about the plank eye verses is that we are the ones removing their speck. If God wants us to remove our plank, then the end result is that we help them but they remove the speck, their own plank to them. We have to apply Gods Word to ourselves first. Then, in that process, we learn to become support in helping spouse go through that same process.

    No disrespect to GoodDad. I don’t think he means abuse or threats of violence. So, he is correct as long as the “force” is in Jesus style of humility & gentleness. Jesus longed to take Israel under His wing but they wouldn’t come. If there was anything there to force their hand it was the cross. The act of Jesus not fighting people but submitting to His God. That’s different than forcing, because ultimately we are free not to turn to Jesus. Is the opposing spouse free to make their choice, however wrong, to not have sex? & am I growing in the Lord to be at peace with that to the point that it doesn’t wreck my life or witness?

    I can’t say this enough. IT WORKS. If the worst my marriage was at was a 1 to me. It is now at a 6, give or take.

    Ours is not to ask God to take away the fiery furnace but to be His image as we walk through it. That changes lives, but it won’t happen if I don’t start with me.

  15. GoodDad says:

    @Daniel, yes, let me clarify. I’m sad that it would even take considering the “thermonuclear” option to make your relationship what it should be…but you have a choice. If you are in a sexually starved position, I predict that you could very well fall into an affair, which if discovered, would produce the same results. The point is to head the problem off before that happens. You cannot pray away your sex drive. Yes, you could very well lose a home and savings (I have personal experience with this through a relative). But the alternative is a sexless, frustrating marriage that forever puts you in the path of temptation. I can’t make your choices, but I’d rather be single that live like that.

  16. GoodDad says:

    @Dave, OF COURSE I mean no abuse, I have no idea where you get that. Forcing change means telling your spouse that their behavior is unacceptable, and that changes are coming from them or to the relationship, their choice.

    And you most certainly CAN impose standards for behavior that will result is positive change. In my marriage, my business and all my relationships I have found that REQUIRING proper treatment ENSURES proper treatment. I simply will never have the problems most people have because those around me know they must treat me, and mine, with respect or we’re not in the relationship for very long.

    The “you can’t judge others” approach almost always encourages abuse or neglect. Which approach is better – one that eliminates marital issues, or one that is forced to deal with such things over decades? I eliminate the problem before it even starts. Unfortunately, too many Christian marriage partners depend on the “do nothing but pray” approach to allow them neglect, abuse and addictions. My wife and I both know that if we fail to treat each other the way we should, the consequences are real. And guess what? It’s just about 30 years of continuously voluntary marriage for me, lots of sex, lots of courtesy and respect, lots of mutual consideration and appreciation.

  17. JulieSibert says:

    @GoodDad… I recognize your heart is to help and encourage, but the reality is that it is easy to say what someone else should do even though their particular situation may not mirror yours.

    Each marriage is unique and ultimatums that may work in one marriage may not be the best approach in another.

    I can’t say what is or isn’t right in the situations represented in the comment section on this post. I can offer insights and encourage, but ultimately those two people in the marriage have to navigate it.

    Anyway, I am grateful you stop by and comment, but I think sometimes your comments come across heavy on “you should do this” and aren’t tempered with empathy and compassion. Ending a marriage is not a decision to be taken lightly and rarely is something that can be hashed out and resolved easily.

    That’s my two cents worth.

  18. GoodDad says:

    Actually, Julie, that is the crucial perspective concerning my approach to marriage. I’m well aware I make more action statements than sympathetic ones, and your comment is well deserved.

    But as the son of a drug addict, there’s a time for sympathy and a time for positive steps to be taken. I would very much appreciate it if you could publish the success stories of marriages where the low-drive or sexually denying person changed their intimacy behavior WITHOUT an affair, divorce or threat of a divorce. I’ve not read of a single one! Asking, praying, begging and pleading just doesn’t work from my observation.

    Please get your readers to publish their change of sexual behavior stories. I’d like a more positive view of Christian wives and Christian marriage. I’m not being nasty here, I’d just like to see how much it truly happens without a catastrophic event.

    Your website is a Godsend, and I’m glad it’s out there.

  19. Dave says:

    GoodDad, I was agreeing with you in context when I said I didn’t think you meant abuse.

    Also, I see my story as a success. Not without work or crises, but success. Going from arguing about sex while having it once a month to talking about it & agreeing to have sex 2 or 3 times a week is a success.

    That, through the example of how Jesus loves me. I didn’t allow sin or just sit back & pray as my only hope. I didn’t compromise Gods will nor give into a demanding wife. I just stopped pouring gasoline on the fire. I actively searched out the style of Jesus. I learned that I am just as much a problem as she is. I actively conversed with my wife about sex in a more gentle patient way. I came to grips with not having sex anymore. Which could be a way of life in Christ. Thank Jesus it’s not His answer for us. & I’m learning to lead. By conquering my own battles & not demanding that she get hers out of my way. Now, thank Jesus, she has a husband in me that she wants to follow. I’ve grown up & now she is too. To the point now that we are growing together.

    Some people mistake this as weakness. When it is meekness. I have the power & authority to force change but I see my pride will do damage within that. So, I let Jesus do it. While He does that I go learn about my sinful self & how He wants to help change that.

    Congrats, GD, on having a wonderful life. But, it took Jesus 3 years of gentle ministry to get His disciples to a place where they could just wait through a crucifixion. It took 25 years of Him being patient with me to get to a place where I could just start letting Him be in charge. Out of honor to my Lord I will show my wife the same mercy He has shown me. Truth & grace.

    Thanks for the discussion.

  20. GoodDad says:

    @Dave, this thread has gotten amazingly long, so please pardon if I don’t start at the first post and research all the responses both you and I made to each other.

    If you’ve gone from a sexless- or near-sexless marriage to multiple events in a week, you’re not only a success story you’re the star player, pal! I wouldn’t be more pleased on your behalf if that is, indeed, what has happened.

    I think something that many Christians miss, however, is the “love & grace” approach isn’t an answer to many situations. Almost ALL Christians forget that Jesus used a whip and turned over the money lender’s tables in the temple. He didn’t just pray or lecture – he took action that the clergy refused to do. Requiring proper behavior from your spouse, your children or anyone else isn’t a lack of grace or love.

    The point I’m trying to make here is that good marriages – mine included – don’t just happen, they’re MADE. I’m in constant re-evaluation of how I treat my spouse because I could lose her. Same goes for my employer – I do a good job or they fire me with just cause.

    Wives all too often want to completely drop the ONE THING their husbands need from them, yet demand that their husbands continue with EVERYTHING the husband brings to the table. And I think that’s the point of this website…

  21. Davey says:

    Of course it is infidelity to defraud a spouse, it is being unfaithful to terms of the marriage covenant. When a wife defrauds her husband she puts him in a lose-lose situation. If he complains he is accused of not loving her like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, yet she is turning him over to Satan to be tempted. His desire for a pure and holy marriage bed accompanied by the ever-present pain of rejection might lead him to live with his wife in an understanding manner (understanding she dies not desire him) not forsaking her yet in order to peaceably co-exist turn to porn and masterbation. That is my story, it cost me my ministry. I am now living out the rest of my days as gelding being shamed for not being a man my wife desires and for enduring 25 years of defrauding by self-satisfaction. It is no exaggeration to say that marital defrauding has contributed greatly to the breakdown of the Christian family and the eviscerate on of the Christian male.

  22. D Sneed says:

    So true Davey. I throw no stones–I too have a story similar to yours. For the same reasons I shipwrecked my ministry and my marriage. I’ll also say that maritial defrauding also emasculates husbands.

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