intimacy, marriage problems, passion, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Husbands Who Deny Sex and the Wives Who Suffer
Jul
Occasionally, people think I land too much on the side of husbands when it comes to denial of sex.
Many of my posts do indeed encourage wives to be more sexually available and interested.
I do have a page on my site, though, devoted to Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren’t Getting It.
Maybe a page isn’t enough, and I should write more often on this topic on the blog. I am sensitive to the pain many women are suffering when their husbands reject them sexually.
Today I want to hopefully give some insights to men on what happens when a wife wants more sex and her husband is either carelessly indifferent or blatantly antagonistic about such desires.
If you are a husband who denies your wife sex, have you considered the toll this is taking on your wife and your marriage?
The pain is compounded by the fact that a wife in this scenario feels incredibly isolated and alone among her peers. After all, every time she is in a gathering of women and the topic of sex comes up, the majority of the gals in the room are likely commiserating (eye rolls included) that they can’t keep their husbands off them. Their husbands want sex a lot.
A husband who wants sex a lot? That’s foreign territory to her. So she offers up a half-hearted laugh to give the impression she can relate.
But she can’t relate.
Her closest friends likely have no clue and she is hesitant to let them in on her struggle, because she doubts they would have any consolation to offer. Plus, she’s possibly embarrassed and riddled with self doubt.
While I know that husbands also experience self-doubt when rejected, for a sexually rejected wife the circumstances are tainted by the huge emphasis our society puts on women’s physical beauty.
Even with a boatload of common sense rationale, we women can easily slip into a mode of comparing ourselves against some completely unrealistic standard.
Weight, physique, hair color, hair style, clothing, breast size, muscle tone, complexion, make-up, eye color, and so forth… advertisers and entertainment seem to have an eagle’s eye on how to capitalize on a women’s insecurities when it comes to her degree of “sexiness.”
But nothing stings more than to have the very man she married not desire her sexually.
A husband may think that sex “is no big deal” to a wife, especially if he has believed wholeheartedly everything his friends and evening sitcoms have told him. He may even think he is doing his wife a favor by not expressing interest in her sexually.
For the wife who does want sexual connection with her husband, his indifference or unwillingness to address the topic is particularly baffling and exasperating.
She wants you. And she wants you to want her.
If you as a husband are struggling with issues that make sex difficult, please invest in your marriage and address these issues.
Is there a physical issue that could be contributing to your low desire?
Physical issues can range from low hormonal levels to the effects of aging to the use of various medications. Are you concerned about your ability to get and maintain an erection? Do you think avoiding sex all together will make this matter less taxing on your relationship? It won’t.
If there is a physical cause (or if you don’t know), visit your health care professional. Don’t be embarrassed. Be honest. Doctors are trained and are more well-versed than many of us realize on what could be going on inside the human body.
If your doctor does not seem to understand the depth of your concern and is offering no valuable insights, get another opinion. With regard to medications, certainly do not begin or stop any medications, prescription or otherwise, without consulting a doctor.
Are there emotional scars causing your lack of sexual interest in your wife?
If you were ever sexually abused and have never sought counsel and healing for this tragedy committed against you, I implore you to find healing. Many, many men have been sexually abused, yet some still feel hesitant to talk about this pain. But for the health of your marriage, you owe it to yourself and your wife to gain a right perspective on sexual intimacy and to heal from any past pain.
Are you struggling with pornography or sexual indiscretion?
Again, these are not insurmountable obstacles on the road toward healthy sexual intimacy with your wife — but, you have to be willing to walk in the direction of repentance and health.
Are you depressed? Overwhelmed? Stressed out about work?
Whatever is causing your sexual dis-interest, stop ignoring it. Start dealing with it.
To sexually-refused wives, I’m saddened by your pain. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to express to your husband (either verbally or through a letter or both) that you love him and are committed to the two of you working on strengthening all aspects of intimacy in the marriage.
Tell him it’s not just about the sex, but about feeling deeply connected with him.
If he is resistant to addressing the matter, go to counseling, even if you have to go on your own. It will likely give you some unbiased insights and will at the same time demonstrate to your husband that you are doing all you can to bring healing to the marriage.
Pray for your marriage, including sex, and find at least 2 other mature Christian women who will pray with you. These should be women who will not bash your husband and will keep all conversations in confidence.
The longer I speak and write about sexual intimacy in marriage, the more aware I am of what a sensitive area of marriage sex is. It can be the source of profound connection and understanding and safety — and a place of deep chasm and discord and miscommunication.
Whether you are a husband or a wife, if sex in your marriage is not a mutually-vauled and nurtured aspect of your marriage, consider what would happen if it was. I know that some of you reading this may think I place too much value on what sex means to a marriage.
I would argue that too many marriages place too little value on it.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
My husband and I had sex at least twice a day before we were married. He stopped drinking a few months before we got married, and the sex stopped. We’ve had sex once since we were married, and we’ve been married 4 years. Sad, huh? We go to church together every week, hold hands in bed & watch TV, spoon each other, and that’s it. He has been diagnosed with an AAA (abdominal aortic aneurysm), but hasn’t had surgery, yet, as his doctor says it must be at least 5.5 cm, and his is 5.2 cm. There’s no pornography (I’ve looked), no “other women,” and no night time erections – I’ve felt all during the night. I pray for the holy spirit to enter our marriage so we can “become one.” He is 60, and I’m 46. Thanks for positive vibes, and prayers our way.
i couldnt’ve said it any better. you’re right, men, so macho will just cut sex out completely hoping that will serve the problem but it wont, it’s actually selfish if they dont do everything in their power to please their wife esp if its a medical/meds problems. there’s ways to get around that. we know we’re aging and sex is not an everyday thing anymore but we still gotta have it, at least i do. its selfish on their part or if its a woman because they are violating their vows just as if they were cheating because they’re cheating us out of love and affection that they promised to give. omission is a sin too. i think you should keep at this topic ESP with the husbands not giving it up. stay on it every week. i believe thats why some of the health problems i have is because of lack of sex. he’s 54, im 45.
i know this is the thick and thin part, but this problem is not in curable, there’s things he can do, but he shows no interest in me or sex and its a miserable marriage because of it
all i can say is thank you. it has gotten to the point that i don’t bother asking or even try to initiate. i just sit back and wait. when it happens its great. just wish i didn’t get the sinking feeling of denial, before even asking for it.
Tasha – wow – I feel EXACTLY the same way. I will be praying for both of us. My husband and I are only a year apart (late 40’s). He was on several heavy duty high blood pressure meds until he lost weight and then the dosages went down and some removed and replaced with others. He went to the doctor about it when I let him know how I felt – he just thought I didn’t want sex any more. We go to the same doctor and have given him permission to talk to each of us about the other when we are not there and for a while the doctor would send us home with sample meds because they are so expensive even with our insurance. Then my husband told me after using the meds they made him really light headed and dizzy and he would spend the entire day in bed. After a while, he started saying “it doesn’t work any more”. It has left me with needing to be satisfied with maybe three times a year. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, and I choose to love and be with him for reasons other than sex (which is great when we have it), but more often would be nice…
Thanks for putting together a well-balanced and worthwhile article. So many of us, male and female, get caught up in the hectic day to day and sometimes forget that little things (such as making a bit of an effort in the bedroom) can do wonders. Denial of sex by some men can emanate from a sense of having to “get even” for a past feud or disagreement. This is even in the man wants it badly. I know this can equally apply to us females but I guess the important thing is consideration of one another and our varying needs and an understanding or empathic relationship that can deal with the bedroom’s ups and downs – no pun intended!
David Schnarch has a good way of putting it. When sex is regular and happening it’s about 10% of the marriage. When it isn’t happening it’s about 90%.
I am in my 30s and he in his 40s and are still somewhat newlywed; he loves my drive but says his is just lower. It has been an area of struggle and I am learning, in fits and starts, how to talk to my husband about this. Posts like this help. Thank you for writing on this topic.
Thank you for this article. I have always thought that I would love to know what it is to have a husband who wants sex all the time like my friends describe. I read Christian marriage books and all of them say, Men want sex. Give your man what he needs. It is so frustrating. My husband does have low T and gets shots every week. I still have to initiate almost every time. I am told that I am a very attractive woman and I see men look at me. I want to know what it feels like to have a man all over me. I don’t like the thoughts I have when other men look at me and I have to work on pushing them back. I have shared this with my husband but he just laughs. He doesn’t get it.
I always feel like I’m so alone in this struggle especially since the majority of my female friends tend to complain about how often their husbands want sex. I really wish I knew what that was like. I love my husband more than anything, but his lack of sexual desire for me has really taken a toll on me. Many nights I cry myself to sleep and I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I know that he loves me, but I don’t understand why he can’t show me in an intimate way.
I gotta tell ya, I think this topic is made up. Every single married man I know is always starved for sex by his wife. Some even quit asking (what you ladies may THINK is lack of interest) because his wife, knowingly or unknowingly, has trained him to quit asking because it’s not going to happen.
If you DO want sex more often, ladies (again, I don’t believe you), you must ask yourself about YOU – have you gained weight? Do you need to shave more often? Maybe shave more things than you used to? How’s your hygiene? Do you treat sex like a chore? All these things contribute to a man getting pleasure somewhere else (porn is only a few mouse clicks away, sorry to say).
Another thing – erectile dysfunction is a real problem for men over 40; I know, I have it. I was too embarrassed to ask my doctor for years. I had gained weight, had high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I got fed up with poor performance one day and got on a diet, lost 45 lbs, got off BP meds and cut my cholesterol in half. I still take ED medications but it has made a world of difference. Please urge your husband to ask his doctor for a sample of Viagra, he may see the awesome change in his lifestyle that I did.
For anyone saying they’re having trouble putting off their desires, or weakening resolve at putting off the advances of others, you only have ONE option. You MUST tell your spouse that if the intimacy issue is not resolved, you very well may make a bad decision in a couple of years. In other words, fix this now before a good person feels pressured into a bad position (like an affair). An affair – which is where you are headed – is a deal breaker, so treat lack of intimacy as the same thing. Do not cry yourself to sleep even one more night! Set a deadline to fix it, with the same outcome as if an affair had happened.
Wives destroy their husbands’ egos and then want sex. I gave up trying to build intimacy with my wife after 10 years of trying. She always thought she was right on every subject. She just wanted to be married, not be a wife. I finally decided that I didn’t want to have sex with her anymore; in others words my wife had trampled on my feelings and had been so abrasive towards me that I no longer want to enjoy her company. She now is sad since I ignore her weak hints to have sex. I read books., like The Five Love Languages and tried to get her interested. Now she is the one suffering….I don’t suffer cause i stopped caring a few years ago. Ladies….be smart….stop trying to be so right all the time…my wife is very intelligent but dumb in so many ways.
Tim,
I cannot emphasize this enough: do NOT let your marital situation continue the way it is. You have a “bear caught in a trap” relationship that you would never choose to be in if you weren’t already there. While prayer can do mighty things, Christians are people of ACTION, too. This emotional and intimacy damage that has occurred, is occurring and will occur in the future serves neither of you. You know what you get for denying your wife intimacy? An angry, bitter companion that you try to avoid. I don’t know about you, but I want someone that wants ME, and that I want back.
Please PLEASE examine your situation. You may need an intervention with your spouse to get her to stop belittling you…tell her it’s crucial to continuing the marriage. Tell her how her attitude has affected you, how it’s affecting the both of you. Once it stops, you can go forward with the relationship but starving her for affection will not have a good outcome. Set a deadline for her to resolve these issues!
By the way, the article’s phrase of “invest in your marriage” is a great one! For those spouses refusing their partner affection, consider a few moments of your time as an INVESTMENT. Is intimacy really THAT disgusting to you that you don’t have, say, 20 minutes to affirm and build up your spouse? Especially with everything they did for YOU today?
We have been married 17yrs, together 18yrs, and I have always had the higher sex drive than my husband. It’s always been when he wants it etc. now at 37 & 38 we have fallen into a sexless marriage. I tried to approach the topic etc with no luck. I did finally get “I’m just not interested in sex” a few months back.
I have always spoiled my husband and put his needs first but as I approach 40 I find myself weeping for all that I have missed out on the last 20yrs. We didn’t even have sex on our wedding night because he was tired.
I have been actively seeking help with no success yet.
As I read these comments I can’t help but cry. I feel so much of your pain and my pain as well. I have been married to my husband for 15 yrs been with him for 20. Sex life use to be great then after 2 yrs of marriage he started refusing me sex. This has continued on for the last 13 yrs with me thinking he had to be something I was doing wrong and not doing. Found out later that he was having an affair that started three years into our marriage and lasted for 4 years. We stayed together, got counseling and I thought everything would work out but I was wrong. Now 11 years later I have had sex once with my husband, I have heard every excuse under the sun for years. I have tried everything and talked till blue in the face. Two weeks ago out of the blue he says there is no excuse why we should not be having sex and blamed me with the problem. Said I never wanted it. I live in a state of want and where this came from I have no idea so I decided to make a move on him. I was told his stomach hurt and he was not in the mood. Cried myself to sleep that night and made a vow to myself. I am leaving the marriage. I am 59 years old and I want to feel love before I leave this earth. Sometimes you have to realize the battle let alone the war cannot be won and surrender which is what I am doing. Please ladies, stop blaming yourself and by all means don’t wake up when you are my age and realize you have spent most of your life feeling unloved and undesired. Better alone than living a constant reminder that someone cannot love you the way love was meant to be.
My partner withdrew sex and then intimacy from the time I fell pregnant. It has caused many arguments as I was going threw the pregnancy and after the birth feeling very disconnected. My son is 6 months now and my partner admitted to me last week that he can not be intimate with me because “he does not like big girls”. He swears he loves me as a person its just the physical side that he can not overcome. I am not sure how to deal with this. I do not feel I can leave for my childs sake and feel condemned to have to face him and the hurt by staying. Please can I have some mature advice. Many Thanks
@Wanita… I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. You didn’t clarify if this man is your husband. If he is, he is definitely being selfish and you should seek the support of mature Christians to pray with you about how to address this issue with him.
If he is not your husband, then you would be wise to not be having sex with him anyway and seek healthier boundaries that honor the Lord. You deserve someone who will honor you and cherish you, not someone who treats you disrespectfully.
We have been married for 3 years. The day we got married is when he lost his appetite for it. The first year we had sex six times, the second year only 2 times. This year we haven’t had sex AT All. No medical reasons. I have talked to him and honestly I got tired of crying and talking about it. I told him he was pushing me away and making me look else where, he said he was stressed but he sits on his butt all day and plays video games (he doesn’t have a job, I have to apply for jobs for him). Now when I see him I have to force myself not to hate him, he is so selfish. I had an affair and I can’t and don’t forgive him for pushing me away to the point I ran to another mans arm. I hate him for it. I have to mention the the only times he wanted sex during our marriage is because he was high. I don’t like the person I became, I am better than that and I believe he is making me this way. It is a dead end with him and although I do love him, I love my kids and myself more. I cannot allow a man to bring me down. Its 2 weeks before Christmas, our 3 boys don’t even have any gifts yet but he has a bag of weed and money for the methadone clinic. I would ask for a title loan but he put my vehicle title under his name and without my knowledge got a loan. I live in constant fear of having my only car taken away. I’m done, I’m loosing my faith. All I keep seeing me putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. I know I need to see proffessior help but he says he didn’t sign up for that. As if I signed up to be married with a struggling drug addict.
ABC123 – I’m a guy and I’ve never been in your shoes, but I can tell you that you deserve better. That you are strong and capable, and you can find a way forward. Don’t give into the lie that putting a gun to your head is any kind of a solution at all to your problem.
Generally, I’m a believer is sticking with marriage and working out your problems. But – it takes two to work on a problem. If he is not willing to work on problems, then to my way of thinking you have every right to remove yourself and your kids from a bad situation.
Turn to family or friends for help. If you don’t have supportive family, reach out to a women’s shelter. If you have a church, go talk to folks there. Don’t be bashful about asking for help.
Your kids need you. Be strong for them.
I am overwhelmed my situation to me impossibleyou male it sound simple os it
No sex yrs no job no money enraged from get up to go down no medical doctors will not near me I do not trust them. They will yell her she will retaliate continue mental emotional toy with me.feel worse on border of blow my head off. Why do you think I can find someone with hope. What os wrong with me that I can’t just get a divorce go back to my ways be very happy and escape this punishment?
@s.buc… I am so sorry about how overwhelmed you are. Please know, though, that harming yourself is not a solution. I encourage you to find one or two mature Christians who will pray with you, listen to you and provide you sound counsel.
I’ve been married for 32+ years and my marriage has lost all intimacy. I know that I’m partially to blame due to a medical condition that causes a low testosterone level and ED. I have medication but it takes too long and my wife doesn’t want to plan or wait for it. It’s very frustrating for both of us. It’s so sad, we both long for intimacy but can’t figure out how to get it. I pray for intimacy but don’t have the motivation to act on it. I’m embarrassed to try knowing I will likely fail at some point. She never tries. It’s hard to see a way out and yet it’s eating away at the foundation of our marriage. I wish I knew how to fix it.
I am twenty seven, and very happily married. I have two children, and we are expecting our first together in a few weeks. My husband and I have sex at least six times a week. I am so thankful for his drive, and his desire for me.
I left my ex husband, in a less than moral way, after being in a sexless marriage for nearly five years. Those were the loneliest five years of my life. He was never interested in sex, or touch of any kind. My body actually hurt from the tension in my arms and legs that I attributed to deep longing to be touched, by the man that was supposed to cherish me, in some way.
I spent years begging him to try, to talk to me about it, to see a doctor,a therapist. I got depressed and gained weight. I tried taking anti depressants so that I wouldn’t have a sex drive and maybe I could stop feeling so deprived. I lost weight. I dressed up and did my hair and make up, hoping he would notice me. I worked out. I tanned. I bought essential oil blends that are supposed to work as aphrodisiacs. I bought him supplements. I kept the house spotless and cooked his favorite meals. I made sure he had plenty of rest, plenty of me-time. Nothing worked.
I am one hundred percent sure he was neither having an affair or using porn. He went to work and came home, only. He always used a phone that was text and talk only, no data capabilities. Our shared computer had programs to block all access (because of the oldest child using it) and he never even wanted the passwords to bypass the filters. I know he had no printed material or DVD – goodness knows I got good at snooping. He just truly was not interested in sex, with me or anyone else. I always believed it was health related, but he never would consider approaching a doctor about it. It just was not a problem, in his eyes.
Eventually I got angry. I was angry every day, every moment that anger was bubbling under the surface. I wasn’t able to be a good mother; the resentment consumed me and ate away at my patience and my ability to show kindness. I grew to feel horrible about myself. I lost confidence in my career, in my ability to nurture my friendships. I isolated myself from the world.
He was a good man otherwise, an attentive father, a good provider and he never mined pitching in with house work when my work schedule became more demanding.
When we did occasionally have sex it lasted less than five minutes and was mechanical. I tried to be giving, I tried to make it so amazing he couldn’t help but want more. It didn’t matter. Nothing I did made any difference in his desire. I became pregnant with our youngest child in December of 2010. That was the last time we had sex. I left him in the early summer of 2013.
We stopped sleeping in the same bedroom about a year into our marriage. He said it was because I made him hot. It was really because he was afraid I would try and initiate sex.
I told him in January, last year, that I was done. I couldn’t live the rest of my life with a man who was obviously repulsed by me. I told him he needed to hurry up and get out, because as far as I was concerned, from that point on, I was single. I’m not proud of that, but at the time I felt completely justified. Five years of loneliness was enough and I want willing to wait any longer.
It wasn’t very long after that, my current husband just fell into my life. I am a much better mother now. I am so happy. We have a strong, Christian marriage and we have very open communication about our sex life and everything else. This is the way life is supposed to be. I’m so very sad for my kids that they won’t get to experience childhood with married parents. But I truly believe this was a case of divorce being the best for the kids.
It’s amazing how constant rejection by your spouse seeps into every aspect of life, taunting it with bitterness.
Hi,
My husband in 10 yrs of marriage has filed for divorce.Saying that I am abusive and he wanted to keep the child also.He is the one who has not had sex with me for 4 years now and says that I was avoiding it.
Actually 3 years back i came to know that he is watching porn and had an affair and still has so he wants to leave me.
Obviously if you dont get sex , husband sleeps in another room what should a wife do.His parents also stayed with us.It was difficult to explain to his parents as he would start the fight and create scenes.Now he has voice recording to show that I was abusive.I need help how to prove innocence.
I was married 3 years. I had sex with my husband maybe 5 times since we got married. He came home late from work since we got married. And everyday after that. All he wanted to do was eat watch tv and fall asleep on the couch. No sex no hugging no kissing not even a smile.
These posts make me so sad. Being in a marriage that has been celibate for five years, I really feel sorry for these women. I really don’t know what to say but I really feel for you.
I think the most frustrating thing is that by reading these sad posts by women and nearly identical ones by men, you would have two people that want the same things, but will likely never get it, with both left to suffer, when together they could be happy?
I am ticked off at the comment someone left about this article being made up. I have lived this problem for almost 10 years and am at my wits end. My husband and I had a very strong connection and love between us or I never would have married him. But he has never shown me that he desires me like a man normally would. I have thru the years tried talking, shed many tears, begged for couseling, him to see a doctor, layed naked snuggled to him to get a response only to be consistently denied the love and intimacy I crave from him. To the point of wanting to seek it elsewhere and I have never, ever cheated inmy life. There is nothing wrong with my hygiene and I shave every day. I take care of myself, our house, our pets, work and all he has to worry about is his work. So for the idiot who thinks this situation is made up, just because it may not be a problem with you that does not mean it doesn’t exist.
My husband is addicted to internet porn. He says it’s easier and faster and he gets variety, so it’s not boring. Recently it was 13 months without sex. The rejection and hurt that comes with this is hard to deal with. Men hit on me so I know it’s not my appearance. But I don’t want sex with other men, I want my husband to want sex with me. I know he is stressed out about life etc.. but to me that should be when you want sex more to try and have some enjoyment in life. But he prefers internet porn. I am very tech savvy and can and have blocked internet porn from his computer, but he gets very angry when I do that. So I just have to sit back and let him watch it???!! Does anyone know if I have a legal right to block porn in our home?
I think wives unknowingly condition their husbands to stop wanting sex. When wives say no too many times… husbands just stop asking. Then husbands will discover internet porn. They can find anything! Soon masturbation becomes as regular as brushing teeth. Next, sexual release is no longer associated with the wife, but rather the screen. With daily masturbation, especially as a man ages, there is no longer desire for sex. Romantic love turns to “puppy love”, or the love and affection you feel for a good hunting dog. Husbands will remain in the marriage fulfilling their provider and father roles. The wife will feel rejected and dismayed not understanding what happened.
Women control access. Men control the event. Early in marriage women think they have the power… they say NO. Sex is used as a weapon. Wives can deny access… “That will teach him!”. What wives fail to realize is that with no erection, there will be no penetration.
Later in marriage, after the man stops begging for sex, he discovers internet porn as described above. The teeth are brushed and the monkey is spanked on a daily basis. He goes on about his business providing and fathering. The wife no longer is a close confidante. Her denial of sex causes her to drift closer to all the other women the husband must deal with on a daily basis. She remains a good friend, a partner, but not of sexual interest. to him. What causes this? Why did this happen? I think it is the result of wives not realizing how important sex is to a marriage. They use sex as a weapon not realizing how it will ultimately backfire many years down the road
John Swanson,
You are an idiot! I have been married for 20 years, absolutely love my husband & have nothing wrong in my marriage except his low sex drive. I believe it’s a combination of stress & medical problems but can’t get him to go be checked. I have a somewhat high
sex drive. If I had it my way we would have sex at least a few times a week or more. I would be satisfied with at least once in a while. However, if you were my husband & thank God your not my sex drive would not matter. You would make me sick with that attitude of yours & I can guarantee you would be denied sex & not for punishment…just because you are a idiot!
So sad, tired of crying cant sleep at night. Married im 33 and he us 37,he has no sex drive he us very selfish thinks only about himself we have been married 5 years, and its like once a month. Im so hurt by this i not really anyone to trust in and have started to distant myself from family and friends because of it. I need prayer please
Dear so sad.
Of course you have our prayers! Have you tried counseling? Talking to a pastor? Send more details and get things off your chest. What are your goals? What will you settle for? Is he Christian?
I can relate with all of my sisters who have responded to this post. I’m 31 and have been married for 10 years with my husband, he is 37. We have 2 kids a boy and a girl .Our sex life was great when we just got married. He would want sex all the time and almost everywhere. He would even stop my house cleaning, just to steal a quickie. He didnt care about whether i was all sweaty from all the cleaning. He would just go down on me. We both had a high sex drive. He loved to give me oral sex. Oh we had a great time under the sheets. But all of this changed in 2013. He just seemed less and less interested in me and on sex. I confided in my sister and she advised me to buy new lingerie and to read the Cosmopolitan magazine to learn more sex moves and positions. I bought all of these even remember planning a romantiic evening , when the kids were at my mom’s place visiting during the school break. He came back from work and we enjoyed his favourite meal i had cooked. I then went to take a shower and walked to the bedroom in a very seductive way. He was lying on the bed on his back. I had my sexy lingerie on, he just took one at me and said :”Please switch of the light honey on your way to bed”, her rolled over and slept. I felt so hurt and ashamed. The sex no longer exits. I have to beg and cry for sex. Its so humiliating. I discovered late in 2013 that he was having an affair, i found a packet of condoms in his jeans(pack of 3 but only 2 was left) when i was doing the laundry. I felt so hurt, ugly and unsexy. I now knew the reason for our sexless marriage, he was getting it somewhere else. I asked awbout the condoms and he denied it being his. I just left it at that. Its 2 years now, and sex is something that dont know. I havr spoken to him, but he just keeps quiet or gets up leave whenever i talk about sex. I have resorted to masturbating in order to satisy my needs. I feel like a widow, he even moved out of our bedroom. I look after my self very well. I’m still a size 32 even after giving birth to two kids via C-section. I have prayed so many times with tears rolling down my cheecks , asking God to revive our sex life and to bring back the sexual desire my husband once had for me, but still nothing. I am hurting a lot inside because of this. I even hate scenes on tv of people kissing or making out. Divorce has crossed my mind, but i cant do it because i’m a Christian. Please help
@Amy:You dear lady.
Matthew 5:32 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mt+5%3A32&version=ESV
Of course you can. Jesus himself says so. You are loved by God, and he hates a divorce. But he hates an adulterer even more and does not demand you stand by them. Before Jesus came, they would be stoned to death. Being myself a victim of extreme adultery, I tell you, you sometimes need to let go. The pattern does not usually go away after long-term/multiple affairs.
If it is in your heart to forgive him, you must get counseling and put an end to the hurt. This is not your fault, you dear woman. I know how you are drawn even more to him now, feeling shame and despair, trying to fill that void, but that is just a not going to happen. He has to do it or you have to realize you need to let go.
Do not pray for your marriage, or your sex life, or your husband’s desire for you to come back. At this point pray for guidance to do God’s will. Put yourself in His hands and ask Him what is His will in this matter.
One more tip, I know it will be hard, but stop masturbating. If you are like I was, you are picturing memories of past good times with your husband while you do so, and that is clouding your judgement into thinking you can Go Back Too The Way It Was.
You can NEVER go back.
Just stand still or go forward. And in these cases, standing still is not an option.
My prayers go out to you.
We had wonderful, fun, fulfilling sex before & after our son was born. Now married 30 plus yrs we never even kiss. We sleep separate rooms can never agree on a comfortable temp, my cpap bothers him, if I slip into his bed for a visit he doesn’t want me to sleep there the entire night. I still cook, clean, contribute to the income, maintain my personal hygiene, grocery shop & pretend to be content but I am MISERABLE!! He stocked his bedroom with a refrigerator & flat screen tv ~ that tells me NO intention of returning to a marriage bed. We haven’t had sex nor been intimate in ANY way in more than 6 yrs & he says he doesn’t “need” me like that anymore! Trust me, I don’t ever want to be married again but I don’t know where I went wrong ! When I confront him he always says, I did nothing wrong. His tone is always so ugly & demeaning but when he raises his voice to me, I leave the room or the house ! He is not the man I married. If you are in my situation- run – very fast & faraway ! do not stay ! I’m 56 & he’s 71 ~ He was the love of my life at one time *
@so scared:I would suggest counseling. Starting with you–get yourself some room. Dear lady, what are you looking for? You realize that at 71, he probably can never be the way he was. Can you remember that last time you were intimate? Anything unusual happen? Something went wrong, probably long before that last time that you didn’t notice or didn’t think was important.
Wonderful, fun, fulfilling sex. What is *his* opinion? Maybe he wanted more, but you didn’t? Maybe he strayed without you noticing?
And this barely “touches” the surface. This is why you should get “live” counseling.
Pray for insight, scrutinize *yourself* with a cold eye and a male viewpoint. See what you find. Are you “taking matters in hand” when you’re alone? If you are, then I would recommend you stop.
1. It gives you more incentive to fix the real problem.
2. It only increases your sense of loss and loneliness.
3. It increases your resentment towards your spouse.
nothing hurts like a sexless marriage. its only God who gives one the grace to stay on.
This article ignored the #1 reason why men stop initiating sex with their wives, but many of the comments have mentioned it. And you ladies all know what it is: women try to use sex to manipulate men, and men aren’t having it anymore. All of your refusals and games have brought you to this point, and you deserve the consequences of your actions. Tell me, if you make sex a “reward” for him doing something for you, or giving you a gift, what makes you different from a prostitute? I don’t masturbate and I don’t look at porn, but I’ll be damned before I initiate sex with my “wife”. It’s not worth the hassle or the rejection. I’m no longer attracted to her and wouldn’t mind if she left forever. I’m fine, but she’s the one who’s suffering. Too bad; she made this bed, now she’s got to sleep in it.
I am so sad after reading all these comments. It has also opened my eyes a little more to my situation. I’ve been on both sides of the fence. My last husband wanted sex more than once a day. I did not deny him sex unless I was sick. I had many bladder infections due to so much sex. My doctor told us to cut back a bit on sex so; I could be healthy but, he didn’t care even though I was in pain. I just pretended to like it and would later cry when he was not around. He also had a couple of affairs of which he would never admit to. I spoke to one of the ladies husbands more than once because he kept trying to get his wife to end the affair. They got divorced because of the affair. My husband just kept lying about it and denying it. He also liked porn and wanted to do everything including anal sex. Later he wanted to try watching me have sex with another man. I never gave in to that but, we pretended many times. He always wanted more. I didn’t push back because I wanted to keep our family together and make sure he did not continue to cheat so; I pretended to enjoy it. Even though we had a lot of sex; we did not have intimacy because I grew to resent him for the affairs, the porn and pushing for me to have sex with another man in front of him. We went on a trip to Vegas and a partner of mine from work who was only 22 at time met my husband and I one afternoon at the pool. My husband made many comments about me and my body in front of this young man. I was not even attracted this man. We all got together the next day to and the man admitted that he was attracted to me and would have sex with me. My husband told me to ask him up to our hotel room so; he could watch me have sex with him. I was so upset about this. We are Christians and we should not have let this creep into our marriage but, it did. I did not do as he asked and the next day my husband had to fly back home. I stayed because I was on a business trip for 3 more days. That night I went to dinner with the man and a couple of his friends. We had a great time. Over the next few months we continued to talk and see each other for work. My husband would ask me about him and we would even pretend that he was in our bedroom having sex with me while my husband watched. After a while I started fantasizing bout having sex with this other man without my husband. My business trips to Vegas and our great conversations made relationship grow. I shared marriage secrets that I shouldn’t have and a few months later I found myself in this mans bed and really enjoying being the center of his world. Our affair went on for 6 months before my husband found out about it. My sex life at home was better because I would pretend it was with this man and not my husband. My husband said that he was only mad because he did not get to watch. I was sick inside from what I allowed myself to get into. I felt unloved by my husband. I mean what kind of loving Christian husband wants his wife to be with another man and when he is more upset that he didn’t get to watch than the idea that she had an affair. I divorce him. There were many other things that lead up to this but, the affair was the ending point.
I remarried 4 years later to a wonderful man who I told everything to. He was crazy about me and treated me like a princess. We had a great marriage and intimate sex life that was free from porn. We had been married 8 years and things were wonderful. Yes there were challenges but, nothing we couldn’t work through. We bought land and moved to the country. We were living in our camper. Everything in our marriage was good but, He was not happy with his job and changed them a couple of times. The last of my children went off to college and the camper was empty. That is when I started to notice that he was not interested in kissing me. He would back off from me when I would try to kiss him. He told me that he had a tooth that he lost the crown and was worried about his breath. Then I started to notice that he wanted sex less. I thought it was because of his job issues. He was under a lot of stress at work and frankly so was I so; I just let it go. After we moved into our new house it got worse. I noticed that he won’t really look at me when I’m naked. He always turned the lights out before sex. I could hug him and he would hug me back but push me away or turn his head when I would try to kiss him. Even laying next to him naked he would make no moves. Now he just goes to sleep so; he won’t have to have sex with me. On the weekends he invites friends over to fill the time so; he doesn’t have to be alone with me.
I am in very good shape. I still wear a size 4 and work out daily. Men hit on me all the time so; I know its not my looks. I am a people pleaser so; I always go out of my way to ensure that everyone in my life is happy and that is a detriment to me. I’ve tried to change so many things about myself to make it better for him. New lingerie in which he told me does nothing for him.
My husband doesn’t take care of himself and is over weight and always tired. When I asked him if he was still attracted to me he said yes I am but, you want sex too often. Once a week is enough. I stopped asking for sex because I’m tired of the rejection. Its not the sex I’m after its the feeling wanted and needed by him. I know something is bother him but, he won’t be honest with me about it. I feel him pulling away from me with actions but, with words he is telling me he loves me and is very happy in our marriage. He says that I’m too hard on myself. I’m so confused. Maybe I am trying too hard but, that does not justify the pulling away.
I want to fix this now before it is too late but every time I talk to him about it he says he doesn’t know what to do to fix it. He says he is not having an affair and that he is very attracted to me. The words sound good but, the actions don’t show it.
My counselor thinks he is either having an affair or has issues with sexual intimacy. I don’t think its an affair because things just don’t add up. I’ve done plenty of snooping and nothing adds up.
Frustrated, hurt and lonely…
Im lost. I don’t know what to do. My husband is 37 I am 23. I understand we have different sexual peaks. But at the same time I don’t understand why he gets so angry and annoyed everytime i initiate sex. I am young i crave for my husbands attention. Ive tried to explain to him that its emotional i crave hus touch it not just about the intercourse. When it does happen theres no “love” theres no 4 play. I saved myself for marriage he didnt hes had over 15 partners if not more. Hes been married and has children. We lost one and are still childless. I feel robbed. I saved myself just for him and put sex on a pedistool for marriage and he treats it like it’s so un sacred.. My heart breaks when i think about this. I feel isolated and lonely and insecure. We have conception issues and I’m sure that plays into it but i dont even mention it during sex. I do everything in my power to arouse him and to build up to the intimacy.. Lingerie, naughty talk, pics, text EVERYTHING. half the time when i try to initiate he gives in but porn has to be on. And it makes me feel like garbage. I can’t enjoy our sex during this time because i feel like even though im the one hes having sec with Hes cheating on me. I love my husband so much and ge tells me all the time he loves me and hes attracted to me but when it comes to love making we’ve always had different views i think its special he thinks it just a motion. It really makes me contemplate our marriage. I want to live happily ever after but weve been together nearly 3 years and its already a burden on me. It breaks my heart everytime. I want to leave but i want a family with him as well. Im so lost. Im so confused. He also has a drinking problem. When he drinks hes disconnected, mean, uninterested in sex unless there’s porn. He drinks everyday and if i recommend him not drinking its a fight. Help someone?
And I have NEVER turned my husband down for sex or any kind of intimacy. Not even when i was sick. Ive never said no to him wanting to experiment or try different things i used to be terrified of. I’ve always been open and said yes no matter the what the “new” thing was.
@confused… thank you for commenting. I don’t know what your husband is thinking or why he doesn’t show more interest in sex, but I agree with you that the pornography is sinful and not helping matters at all. As far as saying yes, no matter what the new thing is, please know that you do not have to agree to anything that would be outside God’s plan for sexual intimacy. So, if he is asking you to view pornography or have other people in bed with you or anything along those lines, I encourage you to tell him no. If you fear for your safety or what his reaction will be, consider talking first to a mature Christian you trust (preferably a woman, but a pastor or elder would be good too) and express your concerns.
Suggest counseling to him. If he won’t go with you, then I encourage you to go on your own. Not only will it give you the insights of a professional counselor, but also will demonstrate to your husband that you are willing to do whatever you can to strengthen the marriage. Try if you can to find a Christian counselor or one who shares your values.
I’m sad with you for what you are going through. From what you have shared, it sounds like he does not understand the depth of your pain. If you have not made him aware of that pain (in a loving, yet firm way), he needs to know.
@Lonely:Have you considered he might think you’re having an affair? Sometimes it is possible to tell too much. He knows your past, and he might be under the impression you are repeating it. How he gets that impression can be simply looking at your routine and an insecure personality.
If you are both Christian, then you might consider a more active spiritual routine, preferably together and in public. Spend less time away from him at the gym, maybe even visibly skip a few days a week. Make sure you find time to read the Scriptures daily, and that your husband has the chance to notice it, maybe even start reading them together (although this could take a while).
Another thing to consider, though probably less likely, is that not all “affairs” have physical consummation. Although this is typically more a female problem, it is possible he has formed a relationship on line or through the mail or telephone with someone else. Those are much harder to detect since they do not require physical absence, just opportunity, which I can assume he is getting plenty of. Even if not romantically involved, it can be something like one of his friends “whispering in his ear” for him not to trust you based on your past, which I am sure he has discussed with his friends. The Scriptures warn us (1 Cor 15:33) Don’t be fooled: “Bad friends will ruin good habits.”
We got married at age 19 and 20. Him being 20. We are now 53 and 54. I was head cheerleader and homecoming queen. Stayed fit, tan and very loving always until the past few years. Our honeymoon night was a ten timer. He had no problem and could have gone more but we both were then sore. That was pretty much the highlight of our sex life. From there on I had to initiate sex. I would be dressed in his shirt, unbuttoned with tiny panties on, waiting on him to come in from work. He ignored me. I had no idea about males masturbating at that time. He drove a tractor on a large farm and while riding with him once i looked through his magazines for reading at lunch he said. Top one was some farm mag. Then, numerous Penthouse, Playboy, Oui, and Hustler. He said they were his brothers. This sets the tone for my next 35 years. Since then I have had sex maybe once a week with him never initiating. Many times him turning me down. I thought he had a low sex drive. It was what he said. Then the age of cable, vcrs, dvds and internet came. I nearly caught him while coming home for lunch early once. I was 7 mos pregnant. He was naked, paper towel in hand and satellite on the nasty channel. Broke my heart as he had not been with me in a week. I NEVER turned him down, offered oral weekly, and was very active sexually. He laid there, would kiss but not great at it, and hurried the process to get through it quickly. It was the only affection i got from him and i loved sex. The past ten years or so, he stopped kissing, would not even have sex if i didnt push it and never touched me. Three years ago, he lost his long term postal job for stealing porn mail. He also was videoed masturbating in his postal vehicle daily. I was stunned and felt a part of me died. I now knew what i had suspected. I found so much porn in my home then that it was sickening. He had it in his deer hunting gear. No wonder he never killed one. Hes promised over and over he was done and could quit. But then i find more. He wont even try to make love. We do it basically to get him off but he has a hard time getting and keeping an erection and since his underwear has big white stains during the week i know what he does. I dont know what to do. All the kids are now grown and gone. Im so lonely and hate him but love him too. Is there any hope? He swears hes stopped but i know he hasnt. I dont trust a word he says and it makes him furious. I know thats his way to shut me up
I just need to know one thing from other wives. When they have a husband that comes home from the Navy after over three years being under water or out of touch. When he comes home and his own father requests you use your sex as the reward for future good behavior to the people at work and in society, when you have nothing else but sex to get him to cooperate for years, What other way to gain his cooperation than say you will one day get what you want just not until you continue to cooperate with people.
Two years ago after using this technic for 31 years and it has not been considered as gaining his cooperation since 2001, He came home after three years in rehab and decided since he was robbed of 31 years of life he was taking something I had refused from me, my right to say no to sex. then he proceeded to try to remove the lives of every person that tried to interfere with what he feels is his right, for what he feels was stolen in his life, ending with his father trying to interfere with going on the 11th overseas trip in 33 years I was invited my husband was not, He said unless he went I was not getting the funding from him I needed, so I was again forced into a corner, His fathers neck was broken for his interfering again.
I can’t face any one else hurt. My husband is the Bull Elephant with a cane in the room. If we try any interference in what he wants now we can be trampled. I don’t dare ask him to back off another time. He wont and he would make sure I get the max interference he can provide. I no longer know how to even him without the demand if I ask for any boon from him its what is in it for me. Like the make up vacation in a few weeks on a river cruse, again he is not invited but he wont cover my fare if he does not go to, The are other people that don’t want his inclusion but he could care lass what any one else wants I heard him tell the wife of one of his fathers friends, that she could plant her lips on his rear if she thought he was not coming if I did. It left her crying the way my husband spoke to her.
At first, our sex life was good. But now we are like roommates. He started sleeping on the couch about eight years ago. I’m now 49 and he is 55. He watches tv in a spare bedroom until he knows I go to bed, then he comes to the living room. He says he hasn’t been unfaithful, but we haven’t had sex in years. He doesn’t touch me. I feel like a burden to him. I have tried and end up feeling foolish. He gives me odd reasons for him not sleeping in the same bed as me, he calls it my room instead of our room, such as clothes on the floor on that side of the bed….his clothes. When we did have sex, he asked me if he satisfied me sexually, but then he got to where he was finished before he got started. Then about two weeks ago, out of the blue, he began telling me about women who became pregnant and he thought he was the father, but this was supposedly before we were together. He says he loves me, but his words and actions aren’t congruent. Does anyone have any words of advice or encouragement?
Wow. John you are right. Sleep well wives!
I got married around the age 18 to guy 6 years older then me. Anyways i am 24 and he is 30 now.i am really sexually frustrated. I am a person that has higher libido.just runs in family so does my hubby.im very much inlove and i am constantly seeking advice from people. My husband stopped having sex with me and its been about 5 years . We did it once cause he drank and woke up half sleep. The only time i get intimate with him is at night and he half wakes up and doesnt remember.we were always in beginning and i was tiny .he plaine out told me that he likes me skinny cause thats just how is type is he doesnt like the big look.i mean he is picky. I recently got fed up to the point i got him to be honest as to why he didnt want to and told me he wasnt attractive and is still inlove and wants to still be with me forever. He wants to work on ourself to get fit. I almost left him.i told some people and he found out i was thinking about and said well i am really inlove.he said did you just want to just do your own thing and have an open marriage.he like i cant handle it and i dont want u to. I am greedy as much as you are.he like i think it will make our relationship worse. I am saying this cause i love you i want to make u happy .i said no he like i was hoping you were going to say that. Just being next to you is enough. If you saw us we are really compatible like best friends. Sometimes it just feels like. it We talk stuff out .sometimes stuff gets bad then we talk recently we been better .you think i should work on my body and fight to the very end for this?i told him what if i get big later or have kids cause we will only have sex what… 5 years and then we stop and thats it.feels like it. He said he wants to do anything possible to savexthis marriage he hates counciling but he will for this marriage.his friends tell me he loves me the girls and guys so makes me think is it worth it. I am inlove. He does show me jist kisses .he also trying to change the way he think he says. Like notices stuff he attracted to about me. The more i hear that the more i want to stay.he hates wasting time he like if i wanted to leave u left u long time ago.thexproblem i am havig is intimacy and we dont even do side stuff.