authentic, marriage problems, sex, sexual intimacy, Uncategorized
10 Easy Steps to Destroy Your Husband’s Manhood
May
Just for the record, I gave equal air time in the post “How to Destroy Your Wife’s Womanhood in 10 Easy Steps.“
Here’s how you can destroy your husband’s manhood in 10 easy steps…
1. Ignore him sexually (or just go through the motions).
Sex matters. And many husbands are dying on the inside, wishing their wives understood how much it really does matter.
If your husband is like most, he wants a wife who is not only sexually available, but also sexually enthusiastic. If this is a big struggle for you, figure out why. And then do something about it.
2. Desire things that are not realistic purchases with his salary.
It is a tremendous responsibility to be a financial provider for a family. Some guys shoulder this completely alone.
But whether you and your husband both work outside the home — or he is the main breadwinner — strive to be partners in financial responsibility.
Don’t intensify financial instability in your marriage by desiring things that are not realistic for your household income.
If you struggle with this, find a mature sister in Christ to pray with you about getting your heart aligned with God on all things financial.
3. Fake orgasm.
I know you may think that you are helping his ego by faking orgasm, but you are harboring a lie in your marriage bed. That’s bad spiritual mojo, if you ask me.
Be sexually vulnerable with him instead and show him how to sexually please you. Your orgasm matters. God designed it and He wants you to experience it. I’m guessing your husband wants that for you as well, which is why I wrote the post 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax.
4. Consistently run to your family every time you have a marital struggle.
Leave and cleave. If ever there was a key ingredient to marital success, it has to be this. Leave and cleave.
I’m not saying you don’t need safe confidantes when things get rocky. You just don’t need those havens to be your family. It is impossible for them to give you impartial advice.
5. Expect him to be like one of your girlfriends.
He’s a guy. He doesn’t need endless conversation about endless details. Yes, you and your husband need conversation and it serves a vital role to the health of your marriage.
But don’t expect that conversation to look like the camaraderie you have with your gal pals.
6. Immediately say “no” to what are reasonable sexual requests.
Obviously, if he is requesting another woman join the two of you in bed, or that you watch porn with him, or that the two of you take up “swinging” with the neighbors, you definitely need to say “no.” Activities like this compromise the sacredness of marital sexual intimacy.
BUT, if he is desiring sexual variety for which you have no biblical or reasonable justification to deny, then don’t be so quick to say “no.”
Sex in a position other than missionary position? Oral sex? Sex on the couch? A quickie when he comes home for lunch?
My goodness, these are not so far out of bounds that you should be so quick to shut him down.
7. Never thank him for what he contributes to the life you share.
One of the ways my husband shows love is acts of service.
He mows the yard, changes oil in the car, hangs pictures for me, repairs broken stuff and so forth (not to mention works full time and does part-time work on the side). He contributes tremendously to our life.
It would be easy to just take all this for granted. And honestly, I did for awhile.
But I’ve gotten better about thanking him, because I know what a positive impact it has on him to know all his effort is not in vain.
8. Expect him to parent like you parent.
Dads are different than moms. Better at some things, worse at other things; but different nonetheless. Yet, what they offer children is of value.
If your husband is a good dad — even if he parents different than you — stop getting in his way. He’s giving your children something you can’t give them.
9. Become hyper-sensitive to what are normal male behaviors.
Trust me, I completely get that you don’t want him farting and burping at Easter Brunch at your mom’s. But in the same regard, you need to have reasonable expectations of how he behaves in the privacy of his own home.
For the most part, I just think guys are rougher around the edges. But is this really such a monumental thing?
Who cares that he wants to lay around in his old college shirt and sweatpants and watch the ball game. If he wants to eat an entire plate of nachos. At 11 p.m. In his underwear. Is this really cause for alarm? Probably not.
And gals, he will never be able to wrap a present as well as you. If you ask him to wrap the present, be grateful he wrapped it. Don’t re-wrap it.
10. Use his lack of Bible knowledge to your advantage.
This is spiritual righteousness.
It makes your husband feel like crap when you point out that you understand the Bible better than him.
In many marriages, the wife has a better understanding of Scripture, whether it be because she takes more Bible studies, was raised in a stronger Christian home or has been a Christian longer than her husband.
It’s not that having a thorough understanding of God’s Word is bad. It’s actually good. But if you have such a deep understanding, then you likely recognize how much God talks about the character quality of humility.
Your husband possibly already feels inadequate as the spiritual leader in your home. Don’t add to his insecurity. Find ways instead to build him up, including in your private quiet time with the Lord.
Yes, every marriage is different. And I imagine if we brainstormed awhile longer, we could come up with other ways to destroy a husband’s manhood.
But let’s not be those types of wives. Instead, let’s be wives with an authentic responsibility to help our husbands be the men God has called them to be. Let’s be all about building manhood, not destroying it.
Copyright 2013, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I think all are good, but #4 is crucial. Communication in the marriage is something that most marriages don´t have. When there is a problem in the relationship it should be resolved between the two, comments are allowed but the final decision has to come from the couple.
Agree that # 4 above is very important. When you take marriage vows you do not love your parents and siblings any less, but you are obligated to love your spouse more. (Love is not a zero sum game.) Be mature enough to resolve differences with your spouse and not go running to your parents. This is a big stumbling block for some spouses.
Number 6 above – “Immediately say “no” to what are reasonable sexual requests.” – is also important. A certain amount of variety and spontaneity as to positions and occasions for sex is normal, healthy, and to be expected. As well, oral sex is not forbidden within marriage and can (and ought to) be enjoyed by both spouses.
The moral of the story, at least as I see it, is wives: do not humiliate or belittle your husbands. And, even if you are not doing this purposely or consciously, be aware that you may be doing this in ways that you are unaware of. Julie’s essay covers this very well.
I’ve just read this by a link at The Marriage Bed Facebook profile. It’s very good. Simple, straighforward, concise. Thanks!
I don’t think I’ve ever read a better post about how men really think… from a woman.. ever. Most men would never voice these things aloud. You have captured it. My own wife wouldn’t even get most of this.
What if your orgasm isn’t important to him and he has told you that it is a pain to take the 5-20 minutes to get you there?
I don’t know about #4, that has never happened in my life. If anything, she runs to me whenever there is family trouble. But I’d say #1 is in a good place, though the entire list is very poignant.
@anon… My heart grieves for you that your husband has told you that it is a pain to take the 5-20 minutes to get you to orgasm. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he just doesn’t understand the pain and devastation he is causing, , but honestly… he sounds insensitive and unwilling to hear you.
Even so, could you consider writing him a letter, explaining how hurt you are that he is concerned about his own orgasm, but doesn’t show as much interest in yours? Maybe stress to him that if he put effort into having lovemaking be enjoyable for both of you, then you would like be more interested in sex more frequently (not to mention you would feel more valued by the very man who vowed to love you, honor you, etc.)
I’m sad with you that he is being so careless with sexual intimacy.
These are all good. #6 especially hits home. Being comfortable to fully perform oral sex on him to completion is demonstrating that you love his manhood, and you love that “toy” God gave him for you to enjoy too. His issue isn’t disgusting, it’s a love serum that as his wife, only you should be able to extract from him. He leaves it in you. Don’t gag or spit it out, please.
#10 is dead on to. Too many men are lacking Biblical understanding when compared to their wives.
How do I get my wife to read this without her feeling I am attacking her? We are struggling with numbers 1,2,4, 5, 6, 7, 9.
@Chris…. possibly write her a letter, expressing how there have been things in the marriage causing you pain and that you are desiring that the two of you work together toward having a really good marriage. Say that you are hoping the letter would be a springboard into more face-to-face conversation and that you want to hear her ideas too on how to strengthen the marriage, etc.
If she is resistant, suggest marriage counseling because there are some things you really think are struggles and you want to make things healthier. If she resists, go to counseling on your own… not only to get the insights of a trained professional, but also to demonstrate to your wife that you are committed to doing whatever you can to improve the marriage and that you had to talk to someone about the pain you’ve been going through.
I think these are not yes/no situations.
On a scale of 1 – 5, (5=huge)how much of a problem is #? in your marriage?
1 = 3
2 – 5 = 1
6 = 4
7 = 2
8 = 3
9 = 3
10= 1
I’m looking forward to the one for wives.
I like the Julie’s comments after each one.
Do I dare ask my wife to rate these? Hmmm!
How would her #’s compare?
This post is monumentally good! I will definitely be sharing it.
“And many husbands are dying on the inside, wishing their wives understood how much it really does matter.”
Julie I would give anything for my wife to know how I am dying on the inside, as you have described. And when I did actually have a chance to break down in front of her about 4 moths ago, her response was “I don’t know how to meet your needs so maybe you should find someone else”.
Thoughts?
@Kwala… I wish I had easy answers. I guess I don’t know if her comment to find someone else means she thinks you should leave the marriage or if she thinks you should have an affair, yet stay married to her. Anyway, obviously having an affair is not a biblical or wise option.
Suggest marriage counseling to her. If she won’t go, then go on your own… not only to get the insights of a professional, but also to demonstrate to your wife how committed you are to having a healthy marriage.
I am saddened by the pain you are going through.
Thanks Julie; she won’t go to counselling; I recommended it and she said no. She says I’M the one with the problem because I want sex so much. Anyway I’m relatively pessimistic about what a counsellor is gonna do in this instance now anyway – what will they suggest that I haven’t done? Leave??
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GREAT article… thanks so much for sharing! 🙂
It’s painful for me to read this list as I am engaged to a man who has very little interest in sex. When I read how important sex is to just about every man on the planet and I am willing and eager to do anything to please him. (Not including bringing others into our bed) We are not that old. He doesn’t have a physical problem. I’m considered very attractive by him and most people would agree I think. It’s just heartbreaking that the love of my life and my best friend does not want to have a fun, adventurous, erotic sexual experience with me. This almost broke us up but I’ve realized that we have too many good things to let lack of sex destroy us. I’m hoping as I age that I will lose interest as alot of women do. Thanks for listening.
Amber,
Perhaps if your fiancee is a believer, he seems not interested in sex because you aren’t married yet and God blesses sex within marriage. Many Christians, myself included believe that engagement is not the same as marriage. Just a thought 🙂
@Amber… lack of sex will destroy you, in my opinion, because your marriage will be void of an intimacy that is exclusive to marriage.
While it is not good to have premarital sex, it should be a HUGE red flag to you that your future husband has “very little interest in sex.” Even among Christians who remain pure until their wedding day (especially men), the “desire” for sex is still strong.
I encourage you to humbly approach him and try to have dialogue about this very important topic. Seek God’s Word together and you will find that sex within marriage is something that should be nurtured and held in mutual value by both the husband and wife. God goes so far as to say married couples should not withhold their bodies from each other.
If you and your fiance are not starting out on the same page with what you envision marriage to be (sex and otherwise), then you are bound to have unfathomable problems.
Society is doing enough already to destroy any semblance of manhood, but now the wife is on board with the onslaught.
The power to control and the power to punish come directly from the power to withhold sex. I often wonder why God gave wives this much power in the marriage relationship. It seems designed to make the man revoke his sexual nature (which he cannot do) or cause the man to make a mistake that will destroy the marriage and which he will then bear 100% responsibility for.
Unfortunately the “10 Easy Steps” are becoming a “how to guide” rather than a warning.
I agree with this list. It’s a hard lesson to learn but once learn, it can definitely benefit your marriage.
This is a good list– I took a class on Biblical Marriage (through my church) and several, if not all of these points were given. Although I disagree with one of the comments here– Oral sex is fine, can be fun, and he appreciates it, but you have no obligation to swallow. You don’t have to make comments like “Ew, this is disgusting,” but there’s no rule that says you have to choke it down– what if you have a bad gag reflex or just don’t like the texture?
Okay, that’s my 2 cents 🙂
It all sounds wonderful. I’m looking for solution. We have been married for 40 yrs. Yes were healthy and long time Christians. Raised 3 wonderful kids ect. Proublem? Were both almost 60, many post proublems menapase brings along with life’s presures. We read a Christian book and along with the love and respect cycle, had a wonderful 2 mths. Things went south and shes refused sex for 2 years now. Ive begged. Shes walked out of 2 counslers offices leaving me sit and then insist I leave the counsler. God? What are you thinking. Well haven’t heard back yet. Any ideas?
Great list! Seems like you perfectly know what you are talking about 🙂
I also liked the other article about destroying womanhood.
It is truly amazing how spot on you are. Incredibly insightful and encouraging to read.
All 10 steps are very true and accurate. As a man I would say #1 and #6 are paramount in significance. Sexual intimacy is very important to most men and it is connected with their sense of masculinity, self-image and self-worth. Sex is a main reason (Godly reason, too) that most men want to get married.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/understanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs.aspx
Any wife who often denies her husband sexual intimacy is destroying the bonding glue of marriage very quickly, and his wrath will strike back at her in various ways.
Top need of a husband is that his wife respects and affirms and appreciates him, and submits to his leadership.
Proverbs 14:1 and 1 Corinthians 7:5 and Ephesians 5:21-33
@Amber – You are in a serious predicament, but at least you know about his very low interest in sex before getting married. I suggest you seek wise counsel and possibly even break off the engagement. With very little sexual intimacy you might never become pregnant, and most women I know always want to have a baby eventually.
This article brought tears to my eyes. I’ve lived with at least 6 to 7 of these through over 25 years of marriage and now we’ve signed divorce papers. I don’t want a divorce but my wife won’t face that we need help.
I turned to the unrealistic lure of porn since I was very young and the hold is very strong. When some of these issues came up In my marriage I would go back to the fake. This was my ongoing response to not feeling my needs were valued. I tried to meet my wife’s needs but they were very limited and I’m sure I hd a lot of resentment.
Over 3 years ago I told my wife about the deceit to stop my lies and it has exploded our marriage. I’ve found that I don’t need porn and have been free for over 3 years through SA. Unfortunately our marriage hasn’t changed.
Wive’s take this advice and enjoy the gift of sex the way God intended it to be. Build up your husbands and they will go to any lengths to snow you how much you are treasured. Men turn from porn, get help- it’s possible.
Gene
“… 10 easy steps” are becoming a “how-to guide”.
Well spoken, Daniel! Throw in a healthy dose of manipulation, emotional abuse and de-humanizing treatment to the mix, and they downright KILL us- a “broken sense of manhood” just doesn’t seem to cover it.
After 22 years of just “laying there” coma style by my wife, it has just about extinguished my “manliness”, feel like bottom of the barrel not king of the hill. 4 doesn’t exist…….I love my wife, and in so many other ways she enhances our marriage. But because of the lack of truly feeling that she cares (and sexual closeness is more than just the act). She feels more like a nice roommate that I have. Oh to have the feeling of being the husband who’s “world was rocked” by a wife that desired him…..I would slay the giants at work with one fell swoop, leap tall buildings, and feel like God intended a Man to feel, just once.
My heart breaks for each and every one of you men out there. My rule is this: if you ever find yourself saying “had I known it would’ve been like this I’d never have married (or married her)”, you’re at a crisis point. If you don’t make your love life a make-or-break issue with your spouse, it’s your fault from then on. I just hope you never let it get that bad. Many wives use the security of Christian marriage to get away with this kind of treatment to their husbands, and it devastates married men. It usually ends up with an affair, porn or both. Never think you can pray away your sex drive, and demand action rather than words from your spouse. If you just wanted a woman around so you could pay her bills, you could move in with your Mom.
these certainly will bring a man’s self esteem down. making him feel not loved and appreciated. 1,3 and 6 can make a man cheat on his spouse. great writeup!
My problem is with #5…. I don’t have gal pals to run to. Which takes its own toll on my marriage because I don’t have anyone to talk to about him and to bounce ideas off of or be encouraged by.
I really enjoy Julie’s writings and I think she is on target 99.9% of the time. These ten things are very good but I think I would replace number two with a different point. Husbands want their wives to believe in them. When a man shares his dreams with his wife and she shoots them down right away she is doing incredible damage to their marriage. When she does that, he learns, I can’t be open, honest, and share my deepest dreams/feelings with this woman. Usually that is when another woman will hear an idea and compliment him. Now, you have a real issue and I know this happens quite often in the work place. But for me, no matter how much others compliment me, the compliment that means the most comes from my wife. It is like oxygen to me and it builds me into a man who thinks he can accomplish anything.
The reason I would replace number two is because so many families rely upon two incomes these days. Please don’t take this as a criticism for this post, it is just an opinion.
1 and 6 are where my wife struggles. And by struggles I mean STRUGGLES almost to the point of non-existance. And when you say that it’ll destroy our manhood you aren’t going far enough. Dying inside? Yes, and it’s manifesting on the outside 🙁
I struggle with number 5 and 9. He was my best friend before we got married and I LOVED talking to him about everything, and well he was very attentive and listened.
Now I feel somewhat cheated because he changed. I know it’s normal because a lot is expected from a woman,a nd he went on his provider role.
I can see that I’m hyper-sensitive when I feel like crying because I think He DOESN’T CARE about my feelings and acts like a pig when he farts alll the time!
But I will ignore it and stop wanting to talk to him so much. Just accept him, like those Christian books I read. I probably just need to make some friends that are girls and DO my job as a wife.
Come up with more Practical ideas pls, i need to deal with my mean husband
Sorry but, oral sex is a sin..
@Nice Person…
Sorry, but we’ll have to agree to disagree. I don’t believe oral sex is a sin.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting though.
Love your tips. Would like to read dialogue from men having problems with ED and what the wife can do to make the difference in overcoming this loss. A book with very specific insight, and include things like can a faulty back cause this? Husband and I are interested in having sex and continue to have sex tho have this change and this has become a problem for us. Who best to diagnose him?
@Rachel…. thanks for your comment. I definitely would love to find someone who would do a guest post for me from the husband’s perspective on dealing with ED. Great idea.
Has your husband been to his doctor? Many doctors are fairly well versed in ED now, so I think his doctor would be a good place to start.
Thank you for this list and its follow-up. My husband and I struggle with number 1 as I am sure many do. The issue I believe causing most of the intimacy problems are the expectations of having the same feelings towards intimacy as couples did when they were first married. If couples married before becoming Christian, their bodies may remember lustful originations of their intimate times. Even if they were Christian, there were no children and life was simpler for most. People change as they age, both physically and emotionally. We may gain weight or have sagging in areas. We may be slower to respond with desire. We need to feel appreciated and cared for in other areas of our lives to have the closeness that is necessary to have truly intimate emotions. If my husband and I are not getting along and not attending to the needs of one another, such as communicating and being a parenting team, or if he is reverting to his hyper-critical ways, it is physically impossible for me to respond sexually to his one-dimensional efforts at intimacy. Women normally cannot become sexually aroused when anxious or stressed as our physiological responses for both are separate. After being told what a horrible parent and wife I am (I am by no means perfect but not horrible), and everything that is wrong with me, it is really difficult to want to please my husband or even get my body to feel anything close to sexual desire. Without truly caring for and about your spouse, the advanced stages of intimacy can never be reached. I believe being spiritual together, best friends, parenting partners, cheerleaders, supporters, helpers, and actually caring and wanting to know about dreams, desires, and everyday challenges are all areas that deserve attention. They are also necessary for women to be secure enough in their marriage to actually want to have satisfying sex with their husbands.
As a christian I find many of these “tips” ridiculous. They are all geared to pleasing a man. The oral sex comment by one reader is quite disgusting. Semen is not something designed to swallow like some kind of drink. I find it humiliating to having a man put his “thing” in my mouth. I also work hard at my career and have been successful, often making more money than my ex husband. Yes I said ex and I couldn’t be happier.
I truly thank you for this. It is very embarrassing to admit, but I have been thinking about this for some time. My wife and I are 55 years old. About a year and a half ago I discovered my wife was having an affair that went on for about 3 to 6 months. I will spare the ugly details, but it was bad. The guy was just a true lowlife. He was homeless. She rubbed it in my face too. We were going through a very tough time, but that is no excus. I moved out. We began to talk after a couple months and agreed to try to work it out and I moved home. It’s been rocky. To say my Manhood has been destroyed is an understatement. I continue to search for ways to get through this and move forward. I know my wife is very remorseful. This was totally out of character. But she wants me to get over it and move on. It’s not that simple. These 10 ideas ar awesome, but may be to late. I pray constantly, but I think I am still to messed up to listen. I guess my point is that all of these points as well as the one for women will make or brake your life. Chrerish and nurture your mates. Quit being selfish and love each other. You don’t want this kind of pain. And if you get a spare minute, i would be tuly appreciate your prayers. God Bless you all.
why would you need to know this and why would you share it? men have enough going on without her making it worse with all our performance worries, and provisional worries just to name a few? im sry but articles like these are whats wrong with relationships. ppl capitalizing on the battle of the sexes instead of focusing on the things that nurture a lasting relationship. its just sad, really
Just found this site recently. Makes me sad because I can identify with so much of what has been written. For Ken, you are more dedicated than I would be. An affair is the ultimate betrayal. I would walk. Rid Yourself of that situation and start over.
This is an excellent list… Numbers 1 and 6 were prevalent in the early years of my marriage. My wife was consistently rejecting me for reasonable requests in the bedroom (#6) and then just going through the motions the rest of the time (#1). I had thought that this would get better over time… it didn’t.
But I’ve learned that the problem wasn’t with her… it was me. I wasn’t the kind of husband that made it safe for her to express herself with me. I neglected her throughout the day and then I wanted intimacy at night. I probably did half the items on the “10 thing to destroy your wife’s womanhood” list.
I truly believe that when a husband and wife are both not giving each other what they need… that SOMEONE has to make a move to raise awareness to the situation. That wasn’t me. My wife took brave step and slept on the couch for three months. She adamantly refused to be my wife until I learned how to be unselfish. She was absolutely right. I took control of my life, my ways, and started leading like a man should.
Now she feels safe enough to express herself fully, in and out of the bedroom.
Thank u for this site. Point1,5.6.10. Are important to me. Currently having feelings which started since marriage. Very very reduced sex.like once in 2 weeks . difficult to get any thing from discussion. Always complain of lack of modei.i will have to complete sex with masturbation on my own due to lack of a second tound of sex most times. Would masturbation in the morning after she left for work due to some visual memories of her inner body that morning as she dresses . postponement of sex is frequent without regard.Sex must be prepared like cooking food before it can occur.No fast one ,never.i now consider looking for sex outside.Can hardly bear this any more.advice.
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