To Cuddle or Not Cuddle After Sex? What Do You Prefer?

It seems like a silly question, doesn’t it?

But it has the potential to be a source of huge misunderstanding in the marriage bed.

Have you ever found yourself feeling hurt or offended because your husband didn’t want to cuddle or “remain in the moment” after you make love?

Or possibly it’s the other way around, and he’s the one who is feeling a bit rejected because you didn’t want to relax in his arms after that incredible orgasm.

Sex by its very nature puts us in a vulnerable place emotionally and physically. In a loving context, it’s a good vulnerability for sure.

But in those moments after orgasm and connecting so intensely, our emotions definitely are heightened.

And if we haven’t communicated our expectations of what we desire right after sex, it’s easy for misunderstanding and resentment to take root.

Is there offense happening that neither of you has wanted to bring up?

Maybe it’s just human nature, but we tend to assume that others will recognize when we find their actions upsetting.

“Doesn’t he know that I feel cheapened when he just rolls over and falls asleep right after we have sex?”

“Doesn’t she know how painful it is when she just gets up and throws on her sweats and t-shirt right after we have sex?”

I know that this isn’t a hard issue for some couples, because they have comfortably fallen into a shared understanding of what happens in those moments after making love.

But if you are not in that camp and find yourself irritated after sex — or if you sense your spouse is a bit disappointed in your post-lovemaking behavior — by all means, get courageous and talk about it.

It could be a tremendous opportunity to extend grace, reveal your desires, or simply express that you had no idea you were causing pain to the one person you love most intimately.

And you both may discover that there is not “one right way” to wrap up a lovemaking session.

Rather, there are countless ways — be them short and sweet or lengthy and drawn out —  to continue to bond as you are drenched in the release, relaxation and reassurance that come with hot and heavy sex.

Or maybe you’re just drenched in sweat and you want to go take a shower together.

Now there’s an idea!

Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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7 thoughts on “To Cuddle or Not Cuddle After Sex? What Do You Prefer?

  1. D says:

    Most times my wife and I kiss and cuddle for about 10 minutes after making love. We both expect that is what will happen and would both be disappointed if we did not do it. On a few occasions the kissing and cuddling has actually led us to ‘do it’ again. After we have gone to the bathroom to clean up we get back into bed, pray and then go to sleep. It is every bit as important as the 20 minutes of foreplay before the act.

  2. kat d. says:

    I think the laying together afterwards does as much if not more for closeness than the actual act. There is something about laying naked, sometimes still connected genitally, almost sticking together from the sweat and coming down gently from that high together. Sometimes it is worth it to not bother getting cleaned up (if your body can handle it without possibility of infection) and just fall asleep “dirty” and together.

  3. Amy says:

    We always lay cuddled up together afterwards and it’s always my husband that draws me into him. I’m usually still breathing hard and coming down from the intensity of our lovemaking, but he will put out his arms and bring me to him. At risk of TMI, I do usually cuddle for a few minutes before making a quick trip to empty my bladder because of recent problems with infections, but we never “clean up”…guess I’m one of those odd women, ;), but I actually like laying together all messy and sweaty, and I like the smell of our lovemaking on us. We will cuddle and talk and talk, sometimes about our lovemaking, always affirming how fantastic it was, how much we love one another and then we talk about anything else too, unless we fall back to sleep in one another arms. Usually our lovemaking is in the early mornings on the weekends because of my husband’s odd work schedule during the week…getting up at 3:30am and going to bed around 7:30pm…and with two kids in the house it is not possible for me to go to bed with him early at night.
    Cuddling is such a great way to keep the connection going after making love, and what a great way to start the day or to get a good night’s sleep, depending the time of day you have sex.

  4. Robert says:

    As one of the guys who lurks around here, let me offer the perspective that this is important for some guys too. Those moments of cuddling afterwards are very important to me. Very.

    I may be a caveman who zonks out afterward, but at least my bride is all spooned up to me and wrapped up in a bear-hug when I do conk out. Part of the time she drifts off to sleep before I do. I enjoy that.

    This is certainly an area where good positive communication can avoid hurt feelings.

  5. Hannah Williams says:

    It’s always nice when we can linger in the moment. In fact, since we’re both relaxed, we often fall asleep in each other’s arms for a cat nap. Sometimes I’m too “hot” from the lovemaking act to cuddle immediately, but my husband has learned to give me a few minutes time to cool off before we cuddle. It’s an essential part of our lovemaking act because it affirms all the wonderful feelings and connections we just experienced.

  6. Eric V says:

    I just love the cuddling afterward, followed by ‘spooning’ before we fall asleep, typically still naked (unless it’s winter). I really need the cuddling and so does she. Particularly after her climax she needs kissing and hugging. Words can’t describe what it means to me. We’re not fussy about the sweat etc and leave clean-up til morning.

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