marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Boring Sex? Here are 3 Tips.
My husband and I have made love hundreds and hundreds of times.
Have we ever been bored with sex?
Sure. Not with each other per se, but we have had less-than-satisfying moments in our intimacy where the sparks weren’t exactly flying.
Hey, it happens. I doubt we are unique in this regard.
(There I go, speaking out loud the things that so many other people silently wonder to themselves).
While boring sex may be an occasional stumbling block, it doesn’t have to turn into a full blown road block. It’s not a sign that you don’t love your husband or that your marriage is headed for disaster or that you will never be able to enjoy sex again.
Nope.
Could be you’re just kind of bored. Which doesn’t take much for any of us these days, seeing how we live in a noisy, chaotic world of over-stimulation. We have such easy access to anything and everything that keeps us entertained.
We just don’t have much patience for boredom, do we?
If your sexual intimacy has felt boring, here are 3 tips:
1. Resist the urge to step outside God’s plan for sex.
If you are bored, it can be tempting to try something fringe, like casually looking at porn together or inviting a third party into your bedroom (pick your jaw up off the floor… this sort of thing happens in mainstream suburbia more often than anyone would care to admit).
If I had not an ounce of Jesus Christ in my soul, I’d be a prime candidate to be a bad girl in every sense of the word.
But I’m not that gal, and I know that when God lives within us, He lovingly offers us a check in our spirit on something that may look enticing, but leads to death. (For some light reading on this, mosey on over to Proverbs… you know, all the verses about the way of the adulteress and embracing another man’s wife and so forth).
Anything that clearly compromises God’s sacred design for exclusive sexual intimacy between you and your husband is not going to spice up your love life. It’s ultimately going to damage it. Maybe even destroy it.
If you walk in the counsel of the wicked, you’ll never find blessing. (Psalm 1:1)
So, if the worldly plan for invigorating a love life is clearly not an option, then what is?
2. Get generous. Get selfish.
Have you ever given your husband free rein over your body to satisfy you sexually? Has he ever given you free rein to ravage him sexually?
If you are bored with how you routinely engage sexually, one way to add some excitement is to have an experience where it’s all about you… or all about him.
Key to making the most of this is to enjoy extended foreplay, where you truly can take your time and creativity in arousing him. With your hands. With your mouth. With your breasts. With your touch. With your words. With your caress.
Shut the bedroom door. Undress him. And have your way with him.
Then on another encounter, let him return the favor.
3. Change up the location.
The bed sometimes can be soooo boring. Other alternatives?
Couch sex can be totally hot, but you gotta have the reflexes of jaguar if you think any wee little children could quietly walk in on you.
Maybe keep a blanket or sheet over you if you think this is a possibility. (He is your husband, after all. And it is your couch. It’s not like you’re doing anything wrong. Now if you want to get crazy on someone else’s couch… hmmm… be wise. Make sure your exclusivity won’t be compromised. Bring a towel. Ask permission to use their place when they are gone, but spare them the details.)
Another option is a vehicle (one that is not moving preferably, although I have heard of some people doing some pretty crazy things while driving.)
Maybe have a rendezvous in the back of your SUV. Parked securely in the garage or in the middle of a forest on land you own.
Just make sure it’s a vehicle with plenty of room for comfort, because sex in a Smart Car or Mini-Cooper just sounds painful. But never say never, I guess. In fact, if you managed to have sex in a Smart Car, I’d likely consider you my hero on some level.
Having sex somewhere other than your bed can lend itself to some adventure and fun.
For some really candid reading on this, be sure to check out the always-funny Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous, who shared ample ideas in her posts Where to Have Sex Part 1 and Where to Have Sex Part 2. That girl has mad writing chops. Hilarious.
Just remember to think twice if you are considering having sex in a public place (parking garage, elevator, etc.). Even the most “private” of public places are usually anything but private. (Thanks to 9/11, there are now security cameras everywhere).
Getting arrested for indecent exposure would certainly knock the boredom level down a few notches. But I’m guessing it would also kill the mood. Not exactly a good trade off.
Suffice to say, your sexual intimacy doesn’t have to get stuck in a lackadaisical rut. You have it in you to change things up a bit.
Let’s share ideas! What are some ways you have turned an ordinary encounter into something extraordinary? (You can share in the comment section anonymously… just put in bogus info for the name. Your email address doesn’t print).
Have you ever been bored with sex? What did you do to turn things around?
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I think the key for me and my hubby is to be straightforward and HONEST with each other … whether it’s what’s working really well or what didn’t quite do the trick … and lots of trial and error and after almost 21 years of marriage we are still learning alot about each other in the bedroom 🙂
which to me makes it all the more hotter … we have gotten over the awkwardness and urgency stuff … and so now we can really “enjoy” each other and learn more about what trips our triggers … he-he … we have had to extra creative in the past year as my dear hubby has had to be placed on some blood pressure meds. which then caused ED issues, which he was and still is NOT happy about as he has never had this issue … but like I told him thank goodness for what we call Vitamin V (Viagra), I asked him, what do you think other men did before Vitamin V? That makes him feel a little better … but dang it’s EXPENSIVE and not covered by our insurance … $20 PER PILL …
“If you managed to have sex in a Smart Car, I’d likely consider you my hero on some level.” I nearly fell off my chair laughing.
LOVE your suggestions! Here a couple of other fun things to do.
Grab just about any game in your house and turn it into foreplay: strip Checkers, naked Twister, romantic Scrabble (words that have meaning to you), etc.
Dance: Slow dance, tango, strip tease, etc.
Cheap and easy. (Not me, the ideas!)
Thanks a lot for the tips. They sure can turn around any couple’s sex life, bored or not.
All very well, Julie, if both of you want to move the excitement up a level,but when one says “Yes, please!” and the other says “It’s all too much trouble” you do have a road block
One of the boredom relieving things we did was enjoy each other on the road. With a good dose of ADD in my system I love doing my wife with one hand while i am driving. Helps keep me awake too. This works best if she is wearing a dress commando… Gives plenty of time to explore and half of it is done with words (and moans of pleasure) about what you’d do if you had half a chance to do it right. It really wild to want sex but not be able to do it right right here. When your not in heavy traffic (now be careful) and the kids are sleeping just use your imagination and let your fingers do the talking. Keep a blanket handy for when a truck passes. If its dark and we are by ourselves we pull off on a deserted side road or into a pasture or field lane and in a few minutes and some heavy panting…later we are both satisfied and smiling, and back on the road. It a highlight for us.
It wasn’t easy to begin with, and it took years for me to accommodate, but finally posing for hubby proved to be an excellent turn on. Boring sex? Not anymore. Mainstream porn? False and ugly and disgusting. No thanks! We have all we need in-house.
As a loving wife, you have all it takes to fulfill his daydreams with the reality of your presence. The third party fantasy is a common temptation with many men. But if you openly address this evil with your hubby, then you can wash it out through simple conversation.
It’s enough for him to realize, again, that he truly loves you and such temptations, that are unacceptable for you, will be unacceptable for him as well, because he loves you for who you are and not for what he “thinks” he wants you to be.
It’s a matter of giving him the FREEDOM to fix the boundaries of your sex life in a healthy manner. And he won’t fail you. Especially when noticing your courage in facing your insecurities. He is haunted by a host of worries and insecurities as well, and this is where the evil one creeps those fantasies in. So be brave and step in, don’t leave the space empty, because someone else may take it from you.
“If I had not an ounce of Jesus Christ in my soul, I’d be a prime candidate to be a bad girl in every sense of the word.”
Oh, my goodness!!! I can so relate to you in this post! And I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at several points…except I couldn’t because the kids would have come running to see what was so funny. 😉
I came looking for some sort of blog like this on the request of my husband to “spice things up” a bit. Boy, did I find the right place! You have a new fan, seriously.
I am pretty insecure in the spice area — I like a proven formula — so when I asked him too many times what he wanted he said, “honey, it’s not a checklist.” Haha!
I’m pretty sure some of these will be just what the doctor ordered… 🙂
Hubby is pretty content keeping it in the bedroom, but I would love tackling him in his truck when he comes home from work, or doing it outside feeling the breeze on our bare skin. I like making love in hotel rooms, too. But, it takes two to tango and hubby is not really too keen on those adventures.
We made love in a vineyard. Our youngest of 4 kids, just started youth group, so that means we have the house to ourselves every Wed. night. The first week, we made a picnic of wine, cheese, fruit and chocolate and went for a walk. I fulfilled one of my husbands fantasies and wore a skirt without any underpants. Across the road and back into the woods is a small lake and behind the lake is a vineyard that is very secluded. The property owners have given us permission to go for walks on their property but I don’t know if this is what they meant. It was one of the most intimate and erotic sexual encounters of our 24 years of marriage.
Introduce sex toys that you both agree on.
In the 16 years that the beautiful Alisa and I have been married I would say we’ve gotten bored with our sex life every few months. We like to try new things and yet the daily tasks of life stop us from doing something new.
We’ll usually get to a point where we know it is time to get outside of our bedroom and go somewhere else. Since we have younger kids we usually do this during the day time or we’ll make sure to take care of a date night and the back of the car.
Some time back we decided to talk about all the places where couples could have sex on the ONE Extraordinary Marriage Podcast, http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/120-oh-the-places-youll-go.
We came up with a number of places as well as had many from our listeners. If you need ideas make sure to listen to it as I’m sure you’ll get lots of ideas.
Cheers.
You gotta be open in communication if your ever going to have a successful anything. Ask and you shall receive. Neither will ever know what the other is thinkin or wanting unless you open a conversation up on it. If your spouse loves you they’ll be eager to do whatever it takes to put a smile on your face. After all, No one wants to know that they’re wasting both of yall times and not doing it right !!
I would like to do it at a rented home that has a secluded, but private pool. However, she is not willing and claims it unhealthy due to the sun, instead she wants to go away to basic hotel where she traditionaly sleeps most of the time and I sit around bored. Sex is a chore for her and I am done with it. As the sex goes, so does my stress relief, spiritual well being and overall hapiness. It goes deep, I wonder if women know why men usually die first.
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My elderly parent lives with us so we are basically confined to the bedroom. I switch it up when it’s “my turn” with one or more of these ideas: change the cotton sheets for satin, add a mosquito net, put the mattress on the floor, light a candle, add music, flower petal trail leading from the bedroom door to the bed … Anything to make it feel like a different location!
There are two kinds of people in marriages; One kind of person is teachable and has few inhibitions. Regardless of that persons experience, they can be quite adventurous. They read or communicate to and from resources that help them become better as the spouse they need to be.
The other person is limited in teach-ability and claims superiority in all areas of knowledge. This same person claims they are low “maintenance” when they are really “high maintenance” which tends to be the worst kind. (sound familiar?) Sex is limited while this same person claims to be adventurous and claims to be uninhibited when in reality they have redefined all the terms that describe them. Reasons for these two types does not matter here in my definition.
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My husband of 51 years is the extreme, he gave up with being with me about 40 years ago and moved to our basement. We never speak to each other, all he did with his life is work every chance he could and work in his garage on his car and build things. In the summer month’s he’ll sleep in the garage. He’s now retired And now he lives permently in a new cabin thing. We don’t have family but I busy myself with things I like to do. I guess we did our own thing and not worry about each other.