marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex
Jun
Disclaimer: This post is directed at marriages where abuse is not occurring. I realize without this disclaimer, some people could assume I am saying that a wife in an abusive situation has no reason to deny sex.
If you are in a physically or emotionally abusive situation, I encourage you to find at least one safe confidante who will help you strategize on how to protect yourself and any children from the abuse.
Also, I recognize that some marriages are dealing with physical or mental illnesses that make sex difficult or impossible for a wide variety of reasons. This post is not written for those situations either.
My humble hope is that this post speaks to wives who possibly have been sexually denying their husbands, treating sex as something inconsequential and don’t realize the toll that could be taking on their marriage.
Recently I received another comment.
From another frustrated husband whose wife has been denying him sex. I get these regularly, so one would think I’m numb to them all. But I’m not. I’m grieved every time.
Because not long ago, in my first marriage, I was the wife doing the denying. I was the wife who thought it was “no big deal” that we rarely had sex and I was the one who thought that “someday” we would get around to figuring out our struggles.
Well, “someday” showed up in the form of divorce papers and another woman. If you are denying your husband sex, I humbly ask you to listen to me. One wife to another.
I want to share with you 5 things you MUST know:
1. If you deny your husband sex, you are missing out on what God has in store for YOU sexually.
I could start rambling endlessly about all that your husband is missing because of your sexual denial, but I want to first focus on you. Here’s the deal—the Cliff’s Notes version you might say—sexual pleasure is God’s idea for both a wife and a husband.
Orgasm, passion, foreplay, being turned-on, soul bonding—all that physical, emotional and spiritual stuff—those elements are all part of God’s plan for sex. And nowhere in His Word does He say he did all that just for husbands.
Nope.
His Word is clear that sex is a gift to both a husband and a wife. God wants you both to experience all the benefits of sexual connection. Orgasm feels good, and as I have often said, there is no other purpose of the clitoris except sexual pleasure in a woman.
Consistent and nurtured sexual intimacy endears you to one another, making it easier to extend each other grace. It has so much potential to be a place of tenderness, passion, fun and even stress relief! I wish I would have known all of this in my first marriage.
2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God’s heart.
Okay, I get that you and your husband have issues. At least I’m guessing that’s the reason behind all the non-existent sex. Or possibly you are the one with big issues that you have been unwilling to address.
Those could be physical issues with hormones, depression or poor health. They could be emotional issues, such as past betrayals, sadnesses, family of origin struggles, or sexual abuse from which you haven’t sought healing. Or maybe they are mis-information issues. You were always told sex was “dirty” or “obligation” or “wrong.”
Whatever the issues, whether they are within your marriage or within your own journey, if they are negatively impacting your sexual desire for your husband, stop pretending like they will resolve themselves.
Do something.
Pray and read God’s Word about marriage and sex. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Go to counseling. Read a Christian marriage book. Stop staying stuck in stagnant status quo.
I know that marriage is complex, and in some marriages, the struggles are deeply shattering. I also know, though, that as long as you are married, you are in a place where God implores you to do what you can to nurture the relationship.
3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.
Oh it sounds so harsh to say it this way, but it tragically is true. Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created. And division is Satan’s go-to tactic. (Divide husbands and wives. Divide families. Divide communities. Divide friends. You get the point.)
That being the case, why on earth would you give Satan any more opportunity to sabotage your marriage than he is already taking all on his own? When you regularly deny sex to your husband—or when you half-heartedly go through the motions sexually—you are opening your marriage up to unfathomable attack.
You are making it easier for your husband to fall into temptation and sin with pornography and adultery. You are watering the breeding ground of resentment and bitterness. In no way am I removing a husband’s accountability to obey God, remain faithful to his marriage vows and steer clear of sexual temptation. I’m just saying that if a man is starving, he will be drawn to any food within his reach, even if it is food that is dreadfully bad for him.
You give your marriage a much better fighting chance if you stop leaving so many doors open to Satan. Having and enjoying sex with your husband helps keep the doors from flying wide open.
4. If you deny your husband sex, you are setting a crappy example for your kids.
If you have kids, they are looking at you and your husband and constantly picking up insights about marriage. This isn’t about giving your kids the impression that marriage is always perfect, because let’s face it, it’s not. But I can only imagine that your heart’s cry is to give them the truth, and the truth is that marriage is a sacred union that is worth tending to.
“But my kids don’t even know what goes on with us sexually,” you may say. Sure, your kids are not privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, but I will bet my last dollar that they sense whether mom and dad genuinely care about each other.
They pay close attention to how you interact and how you show respect and affection. They get things that we don’t think they get. If you intend on training children up in the way they shall go, then don’t forget to live and breath what God says about marriage and sex.
5. If you deny your husband sex, you are hurting the man you love.
I don’t know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry. Yes, this is the guy who you entrusted with your heart and life. When you deny sex to him, suggesting with your actions or words that he is an insensitive animal because he wants to make love to his wife, you are hurting him. Why would you want to hurt the person you love?
If you are denying your husband sex, my heart goes out to you and him. Your actions are robbing you both of something profound. For more reading on this, check out my post What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me.
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5-video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I love your blog, Julie! I just have one pretty big quinkydink…I don;t know any other way to explain so here goes:
I love sex. I don’t always care if I climax or not, I want to do my best to please him. I think who he is and what he looks like and what a great father he is make him lovable, attractive and it all turns me on. I am more than happy to be his dirty fantasy girl, hot little love kitten and all that jazz…80% of the time. There is 20% of the time however when he thinks I am not interested, where he accuses me of denying him. When all I need is some romance. I am a woman after all. I raise kids and clean house 24/7. I have an infant, menstrual cycle and hormones that work against me and our “alone time”. There just happens to be a week or so out of each month where sending me sexy pictures, or shakin’ his “thang” at me, or even teasingly grabbing my breast is not sufficient foreplay for me to jump his bones. How do we get a guy to want to massage, caress and work up the mood a bit? I WANT THE SEX. I want to get down and dirty, hot and well you know….but I need help getting there, I’m not a racehorse waiting for the gate to be opened all the time, sometimes I am the deep well that needs priming.
Julie, you are so right, and I applaud you for speaking out on this important topic… but I am doubtful that any of the women you are speaking to are willing to own up to what they are doing.
There are always “reasons” to choose not to be close to their husbands. No husband is perfect, we all make mistakes, and those become bulletproof justifications for freezing us out.
And if we are on our best behavior, there are still extraneous things that happen (bad day, upset with her mother, kids were misbehaving, headache, exhausted) that we as husbands cannot overcome. Even if we are patient, those reasons to postpone can easily last longer than we can go without making a mistake.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to stop fighting for more loving marriages. You are wonderful, and you are trying to make the world a better place. I admire that so much. Unfortunately, women simply have a limitless list of reasons to excuse their choices. Some are legitimate and some are manufactured. But all of them deflect the need to fix the situation. 🙁
Thank you “MamaB” and “Amen!” for the comments…
MamaB… sounds like you and your husband have a healthy sex life which is so encouraging! As for helping him understand what a little more foreplay and compassion would do to get you in the mood, my only suggestion is communication. If he doesn’t respond well to face-to-face talking, maybe try to have a “side-by-side” conversation where you talk while on a walk or while doing something else. ANother idea is a letter that lovingly helps him see what those other things mean to you… massages, helping out around the house, etc.
“Amen!” — I agree with you totally that some women have an endless list of excuses. You’ve actually given me an idea for another blog post that really starts to shine light on this aspect happening in too many marriages… a spouse who always has excuses for not having sex. I’m sorry to hear that things are not better sexually in your marriage. Thx for taking the time to stop by and comment on my blog…
I’m probably one of those women who “withholds” sex from my husband, but it is so much more complicated than simply me choosing not to have sex with him as frequently as he would like. And the various things that complicate it are heart-breaking both my husband and me…discouraging…disheartening..wearying… and don’t ever go away. Probably will never go away. In fact, some of the “hindrances” will only hinder our sex life further in the years to come.
I would love to see more articles that talk about how to maintain intimacy when sex isn’t an option very often–or even at all–for couples. We are lucky to have sex 3-4 times a MONTH. And even then it’s not passionate, not spontaneous, and often ends in disappointment and even tears for one or both of us.
I suspect that as the current generation of bloggers ages and things like peri-menopause, menopause, erectile dysfunction, impotence, and physical limitations (due to aging or disease) become more common, we’ll start seeing more blog posts that address these issues and how to maintain a healthy relationship despite it. (Because, heaven knows, plenty of Christian couples manage to remain chaste during their dating and engagement phases, so it IS possible to live without sex and still feel close to one another.)
Thank you Anonymous for your comment. I really appreciate you stopping by!
In some regards it is a little confusing to me… you say you are probably one of the wives who withholds, yet at the same time you point out some very valid experiences that happen to couples… particularly with aging. Does your husband feel like you are withholding? Have you been able to have open conversations about changes in your intimacy? You say it often ends in disappointment and even tears… it sounds like one or both of you hungers to be able to talk more openly about what is happening so that you can encourage one another and not feel defeated sexually.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that dynamics within marriage and with simply the passage of time do indeed affect intimacy… and I do think that there are circumstances when couples can’t actually have intercourse or even bring each other to orgasm other ways… whether it be because of distance (like couples separated because of work or military deployment) or because of health reasons or disabilities.
In the case of age-related factors or health reasons, a couple can certainly maintain close physical contact that is intimate. I think this would by all accounts be considered sexual intimacy in my book… meaning a husband and wife are nurturing their closeness even as they navigate things like erectile dysfunction, perimenopause and menopause, etc.
Regardless, all of those things don’t have to be roadblocks to intimacy…they can be opportunities to really talk about what is going on. And of course I wouldn’t rule out talking to health care professionals about options to still maintain sexual intimacy even as you age. Unfortunately, too many couples simply wait for things to get better or they are too embarrassed to address the issues.
Is it possible to live without sex and still feel close to one another? Well, yes… but I would add the caveat that it all is in how they define sex and whether the couple is in agreement about what intimacy looks like for them. If intimacy is regularly ending in tears or feeling disappointed, then there probably is room for more closeness and conversation and compassion.
I don’t think comparing a married couple to a dating or engaged couple really is an apples-to-apples comparison, but I hear what you are saying. It’s just that sex is a part of marriage and it is not supposed to be a part of a couple’s life before marriage. Again, I would add that what sex looks like changes for a married couple over the span of a marriage… but it still can be endearing and foster closeness.
Anyway, thank you so much for stopping by… I am glad you did… you’ve given me some ideas for future blog posts. My heart always is to be sensitive to various situations.
I know that a lot of Christians don’t have a problem with orgasm outside of sex (for the man), but I struggle with that. I’m not Catholic but do share some Catholic sentiments in that arena. And our “birth control” of choice is Fertility Awareness Method/Natural Family Planning, which results in periodic abstinence. It just ends up being more abstinence that my husband is happy with, and when we CAN safely have sex without the risk of getting pregnant, it’s complicated by his neurological illness and ED. Even “orgasms outside of sex” for him are a lot of work for us both and not always successful, which leaves him sexually frustrated and me feeling like a failure.
We have talked over and over again (probably at least once a month) over the years, and we’re both on the same page: ED takes away the spontaneity, and it sucks when he loses his erection in the midst of sex or manual stimulation. As the wife, I try to work my magic and bring back the erection, but all of the fun and joy is gone for both of us at that point. We’re just holding our breath and praying that “things work” long enough for an orgasm for him however we can make it happen.
Unfortunately, with some neurological illnesses, there’s not much that can be done (affordably, for those without insurance) to treat ED. 🙁
This is why I think it’s important to help couples find ways to maintain intimacy that don’t require or involve sex/orgasm.
We’re also raising three small children, so add in fatigue and interrupted “couple time,” and even the 7-9 days a month that are “safe” for us to have sex are not always usable days.
This is a great post! A must read for all wives, it makes you think about your own sex life even if you aren’t withholding.
Thank you Valerie for the comment! I appreciate it!
Anonymous… thank you for commenting again and adding more about what you are experiencing in your marriage. My heart does go out to you. My encouragement and prayer is that even these difficulties will be an opportunity for God to reveal Himself more and more and for you and your husband to continue to refine and strengthen your relationship.
You definitely have circumstances that make nurtured intimacy challenging… I’m so sorry for that, especially the aspects that feel overwhelming.
I would encourage you to try to learn more about different Natural Family Planning Methods if you think you only have 9 “safe” days per month. It should be more like 9 “not-safe” days. Even if you have a long menstrual period of 7 days, that leaves 14-15 days when you aren’t menstruating…and some people do still have intercourse on light menstrual days.
Julie…another issue, which I suspect is less common, but still is an issue…is when it is the husband who is holding back. So far in 2012 I think my husband and I have had sex 4 times (one of which resulted in me getting pregnant when we really didn’t want to). We have recently learned that my hubby has extremely low testosterone, which if course is part of the problem and we can’t afford hormone replacement therapy. This is a problem for me as the wife.
Thanks “Anonymous 6:41” for the additional insight… very helpful indeed.
And definitely there are situations where it is the wife who desires more sex and the husband is not willing. I have blogged about this less common situation before (as have other bloggers I know). I tend, though, to lean toward addressing the more common scenario. Thx so much for sharing vulnerably about your own situation. You are right that low testosterone can be a factor (for men and women actually)… and the thing about low testosterone is it usually happens gradually over time, so a couple may not initially think to get tested.
I write this with a heavy heart I am and have been married to my wife for 16 yrs in that time we have been thorugh our share of struggles and trials and some in our marriage I love my wife with all my heart I am struggling to write this as I dont want to be seen as talking about my wife in bad way and or sharing things that are private between us. But this blog hit a nerve with me and I feel should share. Unfortunately my wife has never I think in our marriage considered sex as a major inportance frequency is at times a cause of some quite heated discusions and or heated arguments I would be lucky to have in some form once every two weeks yes we have it and she says she enjoys it but it is not something she thinks about she always has her mind on all the other things that has to be done with running a family and kids. I am always the one who instigates the intimacy at the moment she is suffering from constant pain due to a health condition, so intimacy is the last thing on her mind it is something I am struggling with in that I want to be supportive to my wife who is in constant pain and not hassle her about wanting to have sex with her yet my needs are not being met as a husband. I have many a time tried to talk to her about the lack of but I think she seems to think of it as not a big Problem
Thank you Julie for such a great blog and website
sex and christians is such a usually tabo subject you talk and handle it with great class and sensitivity
great work
@Anonymous 6:41 – FWIW, there are inexpensive herbal supplements that might be helpful in restoring some of your husband’s testosterone levels; one of which is DHEA (a precursor to both estrogen and testosterone). But it does come with a number of warnings, so it would be good to talk to your doctor about it first.
Also, if your husband can increase how much exercise he gets, that is also very helpful in raising testosterone levels.
This is a subject where I have some (painful) personal experience.
A large part of our problem was, I think, my bride’s battle with perimenopause. This transition can be brutal. For her (well actually for us) things got much better once her Dr. sorted out some hormonal issues. A lot better.
For me, it was the rejection that was the most painful. To be rejected by the woman I love most in the whole world. To have my sexual requests/advances rejected out of hand. Painful.
The other extremely painful part of that long episode in our lives – the lack of affection. My bride would shy away from me if I tried to hug her or kiss her. That hurt. A lot.
It is not exactly the lack of intercourse that is the problem, although intercourse is important. It is the lack of attention to affection, the message that rejection sends. Ultimately, the lack of affection in a marriage eats away at the fabric of the marriage.
To those faced with this kind of problem, I pray that you will work on this part of your marriage. Ignoring the problem is destructive.
It is an immutable law of humanity: we find the time and energy to do the things that are important to us. If you are too tired or busy for frequent sex with your spouse- it takes no more than 60 to 90 minutes a week to have a sex life that any sexual being would find sufficient and fulfilling- it is because you don’t really believe it is important.
Adults find time to do their chores; and their approach to them is a function of maturity. You don’t skip dishes, kid care, and laundry (or car repair, snow shoveling, etc.) because it is too tiring or too much work. And your consciously adopted attitude is what makes it a pain in the neck or just something that is important to life. Id married sex a chore? No- but if you find it to be, tackle it like an important one.
And you can “have sex” in a lot of different ways for those times that you are really “just not there” for traditional coitus. Of course, that applies only if you think that your promises and duties toward your spouse are meaningful.
Another awesomely insightful post.
As Kurmudge said: if you deem it important then you go for it, even if you’re no big fan of sex. But, as Julie repeatedly points out, sex is not a chore — on the contrary: sex is a painkiller and a stress reliever of much higher effect than all the pills on the market.
We raised four kids and had to cross low valleys and hard times together in life — all these strengthened our love and intimacy. The hardships brought us closer and not apart. Do you know what’s the greatest chore in a married couple’s life? Raising the kids!, educating and preparing them to think with their own heads, to swim throughout the ocean of public lies without drowning for common chimeras. It is not just about physical feeding/growing the kids, but also about building their spirit the way our Lord wants to — because, after all, He gave us our kids and we have to answer to Him about how we prepared them for adult life.
Couple this crucial responsibility [to God] with the numerous immediate ones [to society] and you realize the stakes are high, maybe too high, for you and your spouse. But what you can’t fathom is what Jesus gives you in the morrow so that you can make it — because He never fails us.
Now, how on earth can we beat all this stress out of our minds and bodies? Stress induces cortisol and high levels of cortisol make your body burn out — yes, that’s the name of the disease!
In order to relax, you beat cortisol out with a flux of pleasure-hormones. Some come from chocolate but eating too much [of any food] would eventually ruin your metabolism — to such a degree that you’ll have much greater issues than cortisol high levels.
The CLEAN and HEALTHY production of pleasure-hormones is a process we commonly call SEX! Sure, promiscuous sex brings in your body a host of parasites that will kill you young, plus it will ravage your mind and soul down to tragic levels. But sex in marriage is [to cite Julie again] what God has planned for us to get fixed and live happily for another day. From this perspective, when you live with your loved one, when you’re married to the father of your children, then it’s crazy NOT having all the sex you can get together.
And yes, not all sex goes in missionary position. Hubby needs sex almost every day [actually we have more sex now when we’re “old” than when we were young and busy] and my needs would fit a two-three times a week. But that’s not an issue for us because I don’t mind giving him oral sex and, when I’m too tired even for that, he is happy to take the business into his own hands.
Here’s a new thing that happened to our sex life, starting this April. Some of our kids drove me on the brink of burn out — yes, even with two or three washing orgasms a week, your health can be knocked out by the stunts of your kids! Because of our intensive supplementing and balanced nutrition, the docs didn’t find any physiological cause and they diagnosed what I deemed a heart attack to be just a “panic attack.” Sending me to a psychiatrist. But when reading their papers, hubby said that going there will make things only worse, for me and for us, given that docs would pour synthetic pills in my body. And when he decides against something, then he also comes with a solution. His take is to make me the Domina in the bedroom, to empower me, to make me feel that I’m in control. This already made me way more confident and masterful in dealing with kids-generated stress [by day], plus it fulfills one of his fantasies [by night]. So yet another win-win situation.
All you need to do is treat sex from an intellectual perspective, to consider that sex starts when you communicate with your spouse. Yes, in some particular cases, it can end there — like chaste couples would “talk” sex instead of “doing” it.
And if you thank God for the hardships of life, why not thanking Him for the wonderful gifts? Because sex in marriage is an outstanding gift to us.
But what about when it’s the husband denying the wife! I NEVER see anything about that! It goes both ways!
I totally understand. My husband had to go through the same thing until God delivered me, healed me, and is continuing to make me whole. The bible states, ” what the devil meant for harm God will turn in to good(paraphrased). As a result of the devil trying to destroy my marriage in the area of intimacy, God has now turned things around. My husband and I are enjoying the best intimacy ever and we have been married for 27 years(and we are believing God for it to get better and better). God has given us a H.E.A.L.T.H and W.E.A.L.T.H Ministry to inspire, encourage, and equip Husbands and Wives to enjoy and love each other. I know what is like to have no desire to be with my husband, to promise to be with him and then deliberately pick a fight so that I did not have to “do” what I promised I would do. Because of a bad experience when I was nine years old, God had to heal me and give me understanding about what true intimacy is first with him and then with my husband……….
Jody… I am so sorry about your situation and I assure you that there are other wives who desire more sex than their husbands.
The reason my site and many others don’t address this as often is because it is the exception not the rule, and we tend to write for the masses. For every one comment/email I receive from a wife who has a higher sex drive than her husband, I probably receive 20-40 comments/emails from men who feel they are being sexually refused.
That being said, I in no way want to minimize your pain. It is real and heartbreaking. Even though it is not as common, I and other bloggers have addressed the issue.
Below are some links you may want to glean from. Also, you have inspired me to begin work on a resource page on my site that will specifically focus on resources for wives who want more sex and aren’t getting it.
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2010/10/04/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/
https://intimacyinmarriage.com/2011/08/09/wives-who-are-sexually-refused/
http://hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com/2012/04/he-doesnt-wanna-but-i-do-help-for.html
http://hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com/2012/04/he-doesnt-wanna-but-i-do-be-brownie.html
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/i-cant-remember-last-time-my-husband-touched-me.html
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/i-cant-remember-last-time-my-husband_13.html
http://site.themarriagebed.com/problems/desire/how-to-get-him-to-want-sex
There also is a book called “The Sex-Starved Wife” by Michelle Weiner Davis. I haven’t gotten all the way through it, but you may find some helpful information in it.
Again, I am so sorry for your pain.
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Goes both ways. My ex husband constantly refused me, for up to a year at a time. Guess what….we’re divorced.
I agree with you totally B. And all 5 things I would say to any husband who is denying his wife sex… all 5 apply either way.
No matter how any spouse who is doing the denying tries to spin it, the truth is that sex does matter in a marriage, and when it is neglected, the fall out can be tragic.
Thanks for taking the time to comment…
In the 17 years we’ve been married, I’d say we average having sex perhaps 2x or 3x a year—on a good year. There have been several years where we never had sex. My wife has made it clear to me that she is NOT attracted to me in “that way” . . . As a result, I’ve gained weight which makes the “act” of sex more difficult which, in turn, adds another reason why she pushes me away. Furthermore, she’ll tell me we’d be able to enjoy sex more if I’d lose weight (she says this during the rare moment when we’re having sex). Let’s set aside the fact that we BOTH have gained probably 50 pounds since we were married. But somehow I’m the problem. I’ve been working out for the last 18 months trying to get fit, but it sure would be nice to be loved unconditionally by her just as I try to love her and cherish her without strings.
I’d like to send her a link to this article, but I know it wouldn’t be well received. Since divorce isn’t an option (although I think about that far too often) because of our kids at home and primarily b/c God is opposed to it, I’m left with no hope. More than anything, I’d appreciate your prayers for a breakthrough. Only the hand of the Lord can make me “attractive” to my bride so that perhaps one day we’ll enjoy the oneness and intimacy that we were designed for. Thanks.
“We are lucky to have sex 3-4 times a MONTH.”
I wish I had your luck!
Men, listen up (and women too)
First of all, you need to make sure you are working on being a man your wife wants to love (and if not her, some other woman would if you were in the market which you’re not). Women want to be pursued but not chased. Don’t be too soft as that is offputting. Be manly, but be balanced. Be an alpha male with plenty of gentlemanly qualities to back it all up.
Second of all, women who can’t seem to figure out why they don’t want sex may have some legitimate reasons, but the main one to cross off the list is TESTOSTERONE LEVELS. Get checked out ASAP by a practitioner in the field. Don’t mess with OTC supplements, online offers for hyped-up crud, or even Rx creams. If a woman’s T-level is well below 100 or so, there is a pellet that can be inserted in the muscle tissue during an office visit. It hurts, it heals, and it can take about a month or more for T-levels to rise. And she can’t forget to take it or apply it: It’s there. This can be dependent on other factors: It is not a silver bullet, so see a hormone specialist about this option.
If these two factors are addressed, then I suspect things can change, especially through communication and collaboration. All the testosterone in the world won’t make a woman more attracted to a man she’s got issues with. And you may think you’re one of the best catches in the world and can’t figure out why she doesn’t dig you and it may be largely a hormonal reason.
Do not underestimate either. For me, my wife and I had sex less than once a month over the past few years. I worked on me and saw little change in the bedroom. She found out last fall about her low T and got the pellet and…
DAY AND NIGHT DIFFERENCE! And not just in sex, but in real godly intimacy. If I weren’t a Christian I’d say I don’t believe it but God is good (and he came up with testosterone, right?). Frequency is irrelevant, but lets just say after that first month of ‘waiting’ we pretty much out-did our first month of marriage, let alone the previous 5 years combined. Not because “she got repaired and fixed” but because we both cared enough about God’s plan for marriage, including sex and especially intimacy, the work on this together.
No links here, I’m not selling. Just sharing.
@Justin and John:
It’s not about luck. I feel for you (as I noted above – less than once a month for me, but that’s in the past). Your wife is not attracted to your weight: Are you? Do you love it more than sex? It’s hard to lose it, but lose it. Now. A few suggestions:
1. Drink water, nothing else (except maybe chocolate-based milks around your workout).
2. Take 1 or 2 30 minute walks per day (don’t linger, but don’t jog either unless you want to. Heart rate matters more than speed). ALSO: Got a desk job? Get a stand-up desk (your employer may provide that if you ask).
3. Stop snacking, and eat smaller portions at meals. Use gum instead or brush your teeth (this tells your brain you’re done eating for a while and it tells the rest of the body the bad news). Eat a good breakfast: That sets your metabolism on fire if you’re not eating junk – or skipping breakfast altogether.
4. Sleep is just as important to weight loss as diet and exercise: Get at least seven hours and be consistent (and not more than 8 – get up and live!).
5. As you lose weight, buy some sharp clothes from time to time (formal and casual). Don’t break the budget, but get someone other than your wife to help you pick out nice outfits that you’ll only wear on dates with her.
6. As you become more attractive, your wife will notice and that will incentivize her to do the same. As she does, support and appreciate her efforts. If she doesn’t, be a testimony to how good you feel and encourage her to consider the simple efforts you’ve taken to get there.
7. Read books on Julie’s list about marriage or get audio books if you’re into that instead. If you read secular books (which I don’t recommend) then get a brother for accountability. There is a lot of garbage to sift through.
I could go on, but I’m tired of reading about “luck.” Choose, don’t excuse: Take control of what you can control (Gal. 5:22-23). Sex is in the head, yes, but not ONLY there. It’s also a physical celebration of intimacy that God designed. And I can honestly tell you all, my wife and I have been having a wonderful celebration of intimacy and marriage over the past few months. It takes effort, but IT IS SO WORTH IT because she is so worth it! I love her, so what am I supposed to do? Stoke her inner passions by watching SyFy and ESPN or working 10-12 hour days?
My brothers and sisters in Christ –
My heart breaks for each of you – being refused hurts on so many levels. But there is hope! Jjoin the forums on http://www.themarriagebed.com; signup and subscribe to the married sexuality forums. There are forums specifically for those who are refused, for those who chose to refuse, and dozens of other topics. There are hundreds of users giving good, Christian based advice. It has helped our marriage in so many ways!
Can you give me some bible verses to read about how sex is for the both of us…thank you
michelle…
the most significant verse is 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. Also check out the entire book of Song of Songs in the Old Testament. The book is very allegorical and metaphorical, so if you are not familiar with the book, I would encourage you to read it in a study Bible or with a commentary on the book so that you can see the meanings behind the images. It is full of descriptions of marital sexual intimacy from the perspectives of both the husband and the wife.
Hope this is helpful…
julie
Julie
I am in the opposite situation. I havent had sex in almost 5 years, since the birth of our only child. Before that, it was 5 years of marriage where I honestly thought I couldnt stand it anymore. The first 6 months were ok, and we were virgins, so we didnt really know what we were doing, but we were enjoying getting to know one another. I was discovering a part of me, a fun and playful and naughty side that I was very curious about. One time we went on a holiday and i was the one initiating and suggesting sex in unusual places, and now, looking back, i think i was more ready to experiment than my husband was. There was a moment in our first year where i think i put him off or shocked him and we never bounced back. At least, thats what i think it is. I have been racking my brain and heart and memory all these years trying to work out what i did that was so wrong or what i could have done differently…But in the end it adds up to the same thing- a sexless marriage. For ten years. before we got married we didnt think we were gonna be able to hold on until the wedding night, and then the unthinkable happens…far from me being the one who denies him…its been me, all this time, asking for us to see a counsellor, a therapist, have prayer, meet with pastors…and to his credit, he has gone along, but has never put into action any of the advice he was given. My childhood background was filled with abuse of every kind so i knew i was going to have to work at the sex in our marriage…I NEVER thought the work i would need to do was TRYING to get my husband to touch me! You are so right about the enemy having a field day with marriages where sex is denied. by either partner. Ive struggled for years with thoughts of other men… any that would pay me any attention. Ive been starving for affection and connection and while ive never done anything, and i never will, the only loving i get ive had to give myself. this flies in the face of everything i believe and ive sought Gods help and He has helped me. However, its a struggle i dont want to have, and i believe i shouldnt have to work so hard at suppressing what is actually natural desire for my husband. if you had told me 10 years ago when i was making my vows that i wouldnt even want to look in the mirror anymore, that i would not know how to be a strong and confident role model for my daughter and that i would be tormented with fears of my husband leaving me, or fantasising about other women or worse, actually having an affair. That i would beplagued by suspicion and fear and that i would also secretly walk in shame and at my secret, that no one wants me, and that my wedding photos would make me cry one day…
Do you have any advice for someone in my sistuation???
Julie, I am new to your blog as of 5ish minutes ago…I am married 4 times…I was told it was dirty and only a duty…with that I wanted to do anything to please a man…I have in the past put on the sexiest little nothing and laid in bed hoping it would stir the monent…but that is the past…I have been married 10 years this time…he does not have a romantic bone in his body…there is only one way he will do it because of the Bible…and I love to climax but have not been able to do to orgasmic headachs and let me tell you they hurt so so bad you stop in your tracks…I have even tried to do it on my own and still get the headachs…it has been a year if not more from the last time we came together…I do have other health issues but have always loved making love…some of my problem is that after we married I found out 2 years into the marriage he went to the Phillipens looking for a woman…we all know that most of the women from there are subserviant…and I am not…he does not like fathers day cards or anything of the sort because he is a step-dad and feels it is not nessary…which hurts me, we came as a package even tho the two boys were grown…Help!!!!!!
Alicia
My story is a confusing one, first it was my husband who denied me sex, not only denying but sending me out of bed, the reason being he had found another lover with whom he has a child now. He constantly abused my private parts with ugly descriptions that indicate it wasn’t useful to him, not good at all, not enjoyable etc….Due to that and many ugly scenes in our marriage, i lost interest (naturally) and started fearing him.
I was hurt in the true sense of the word, and during that time, I kept wondering why after 12 years of marriage my husband discovers how bad (my private parts) i was? Wont he start comparing me with his current lover?. I had many an unanswered question rotating in my mind.
Any how i was locked up in my thoughts and for him, he wants showing any interest at all.
After two years, he woke up to start demanding for sex in a very harsh way, i found that unacceptable, especially to a heart that is broken, i thought he needed to have performed better than that. He now accuses me of denying him sex and yet it all began with him!!!!. His approach is bad, he is still living half way with the other woman, honestly, where can a person get strength to do this? Given all his activities, I really believe he is taking me for granted and i keep hurting!
Which way now?
Hello Jane… sorry it took me awhile to respond. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably.
Is your husband willing at all to go to counseling? Refusal to have sex can be for a number of different reasons, and sometimes getting to the heart of those requires a willingness to open up — which can be facilitated by a counselor. Your husband’s lack of interest may also be due to medical reasons (such as low testosterone), so it would be worth going to a medical doctor for a full check up.
If your husband refuses the counseling route and holds to his ground of simply ignoring this challenge in your relationship, then I highly encourage you to go to counseling on your own — not only to find ways to navigate, but also to show him that you are highly committed to improving what has become a huge source of division in your marriage.
You may also try to write your husband a letter… not as a way to avoid face-to-face conversation, but sometimes sharing your feelings and concerns firmly, yet lovingly, in a letter can give him time to process… and to see that this is not a light issue for you. The goal of the letter of course (and you would want to express this) is that it is a starting point to move toward more conversation, more solutions, and more transparency between the two of you as to what is going on and what you can do together to grow closer sexually and in the relationship in general.
I hope some of this is helpful. Keep praying and seeking solution. You may also want to look into the book “Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage” by Michael Misja and Chuck Misja, who are Christian psychologists.
Julie
Celine… your husband is committing adultery and being abusive. If I were you, I would seek elders in your church to go with you to confront him with this to see if he will be repentant and begin to honor his marriage.
At the minimum, I encourage you to seek counseling to find support and insight on how to navigate.
I am so sorry you are in such a painful and harsh situation… this is not God’s plan and your husband is clearly walking in sin.
I just want to say THANK YOU! for your website and your openness about sex within a Christian context.
Though there are many points in this article that I relate to, the single most important point (to me) is one I think many people overlook.
I was one of those who was raised in a home where sex was dirty and embarassing and was only for procreation. That had a long-lasting effect on my marriage and because of that I appreciate women like you who tell of the true gift it is when enjoyed as God intended it.
It was probably six years into my marriage before I finally realized that it was OKAY to enjoy sex with my husband! I remember being absolutely shocked and embarassed when some of my Christian girlfriends dared to talk openly about having sex with their husbands. I honestly didn’t realize there was this whole other world.
And now, boy do I ENJOY having sex with my husband!!! 😉 And I LOVE that I can feel “naughty” without all the guilt.
I tell you all this just to express how grateful I am for people like you and this blog that are honest about the beauty of sex within the right context. I hope many women (and their husbands) are helped by your blog.
“Very Happy Man Now,” those are all excellent suggestions.
One thing that I don’t think that I see here is a concern for thyroid issues. People with thyroid issues can often lose interest in sex. Luckily that was one of the few symptoms that I did NOT have when I was DX’d with hypothyroidism, so it never occurred to me that my husband’s, ahem, diminished interest had anything to do with his TSH level. We recently found out that his thyroid issues are far worse than mine. I’m hoping that getting his TSH level corrected will have an impact on his drive! I’ve been the initiator for the majority of our marriage, but after reading the comments here, I see that I’m blessed. Our sex life may not be as active as I’d like, but at least it is active!
But what is a wife to do when her husband denies her sex? he claims that he is stressed out due to his job and we are struggling a bit financially. But I have tried everything to spice things up. I have been patient with him but I am getting frustrated. There is no passion left in our marriage. Don’t these 5 things apply to husbands too???
@jd… yes, these five things apply to husbands too. Sexual intimacy in a marriage will not take care of itself. I’m sorry for what you are experiencing. Have you tried to talk specifically about the struggles? Sometimes a letter can be a good way to raise awareness… written in a tone of love, of course, but clearly communicating that sex is a vital part of the marriage and that you long for the two of you to really nurture it.
God bless you. Keep saying it.
Very informative article. Unfortunately my wife doesn’t subscribe to your way of thinking. We haven’t had sex for months because she says we aren’t connected anymore. We have spent 14 yrs. raising our family and pursuing various personal accomplishments, school and in our careers. Now she feels withholding sex will bring us closer. It’s having the opposite effect. Besides being constantly upset, I find myself withdrawing emotionally and struggling to remain close to someone who has intentionally pulled away from me. She says she cannot put a time table on when or if we will have sex again. She says she loves me, and denies any affairs.
I feel the gap widening not closing.
Oh man if ONLY my wife could see this article. But of course If I am the one to bring it to her attention, she will automatically dismiss it as just another link I send her to get more sex.
Sex in my marriage is infrequent at best, and most if the time it feels like she’s just going through the motions. Part of me longs to go back to being just boyfriend and girlfriend, to being unmarried. Because even though I abstained form sexual intercourse, there was so much passion at that time.
After abstaining from full fledged premarital sex with my first wife, who left me for an Exboyfriend, and with my second wife, who seems to just put up with sex on occasion, there is nothing that I as a Christian male regret more than abstaining from sexual intercourse before marriage.
Abstaining was the right thing to do, but there is no pay off. Quite the opposite. I never had the wild passionate nights that both of my wives, and most other people had. And I am left with complete emptiness and loneliness. You really have no idea!
Abstaining was not worth it, and it has me seriously doubting that the other things I do for God will be worth it either. Yeah, sure there will be some reward, but some investments have just a small return on them.
Being abstinent, and being faithful to my wife have been extremely agonizing. And the pat on the back, or the “Attaboy”, that God will give me as a result just seem like such a slap in the face.
“How long oh Lord, HOW LONG !!!” Ok I’m done whining.
I’ve never had sex with my husband but we love each other so much. It’s just out of my own belief that sex has nothing to do with love and he later shares the same view with me too. Before meeting me, he’d want to sleep with many women and used ponorgraphy but after meeting me, he has done nothing like that. He said all he dreamt about is me, to hug and kiss me forever . I know my individual example can’t discredit what you wrote here but allI want to say is to open your mind to see new posibilities. My husband and I can finish each other’ sentences and know how one feels because we connect through body and soul. It might sound funny to you when I use “body” but it’s true, we embrace each other in love and we don’t care what others really think. We haven’t invited any demons in our house either if you wonder. We pray and meditate together. We share our love and life with purpose and goals. We will build more orphanages to have all the homeless children in the world. Our love is not just for us. It will hopefully warm up all the other unfortunate souls whom can’t find the love we have for one another.
Bu… interesting perspective. I’m curious if there are other parts of the Bible you choose to ignore as well. My point is that if God tells married people to have sex, I think His wisdom is worth listening to. I don’t doubt you and your husband love each other, but I’m not sure if your marriage is all God envisions it to be.
I appreciate you stopping by and commenting though. Thank you!
My wife and I have not had sex since June 2012. For the last two or three years we probably had sex two or three times each YEAR. Pretty much since we got back from our honeymoon in late 2001, I have had to beg for sex. About three or four months into our marriage, she suggested that she should just leave. we are still together, but our marriage is quite strained. I read Dr. Laura’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” a few years ago which was great but also painful because I could relate with the husbands mentioned in it. When I left the book out as a hint for her read it, she threatened to divorce me.
We have had some financial difficulties in the last few years which were primarily my fault, but I have gotten a grip on them now. even so, I cannot believe that that issue alone is the problem. I do not know why it has been a struggle since almost day one.
I will never leave her. I made a vow to God and to her in church, and I will not break that vow. However, I am at my wits’ end. I do not know how else to convince her that sexual intimacy is such a great need for me and for our marriage and that it is NOT just a physical need but an emotional, relational/martial, and spiritual one.
Ok maybe there is no God Satan or one u love but how do u deal with the kids now that they all going to be over 18 and have seen u not saying hello for the past 5 years not sleeping in the same room not eating together.
I need help, I discovered that my husband has been cheating on me with another woman in whom he fathered a child in front of my eyes and denied it for almost six years. In those years I was yearning for my husband but he was always having reasons why we couldn’t be intimate. I was hurt emotionally (sexually). After this discovery, I struggled having intimacy but as a Christian woman I continued to try. I had so much pain, bad feeling and thoughts when being intimate with. The original beautiful and pleasant feeling of intimacy turned into an awful bad and painful experience. Up to now I am still struggling to have intimacy. I regularly made bad discoveries even after the exposure become even more scarier. I lost trust in him and l have’t have intimacy the last ten months. Please advise me and pray with me. I am a pastor as well as him . He is currently not leading any church due to the aforementioned. I want to obey God and am struggling in this area. I am afraid of intimacy.
“I don’t know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry.”
I don’t mean to offend, but that statement is very ignorant. I agree that withholding sex is wrong, but making such an offensive statement towards arranged marriages shows your lack of knowledge in regards to other cultures.
Thank you Anonymous for the comment. Appreciate you stopping by! No offense taken. I certainly wasn’t trying to make a negative comment about arranged marriages.
I was simply pointing out that people who are not in arranged marriages typically fall in love first and then marry. So the premise that they love each other is there on the front end… and why would they want to hurt someone they love?
Anyway, motive of my heart was in the right place.
Thanks again for the comment!
@Grace… I apologize it has taken me awhile to respond.
Your husband’s adultery certainly has taken a toll on your marriage. I encourage you to seek the help of a counselor… even if your husband won’t go, then possibly go on your own to gain the insights of a third person and to seek your own healing. If you have any reason to believe your husband is still having sex with other women, you have a right to protect yourself and to set boundaries sexually.
At any rate, if you and your husband are both committed to healing the marriage and rebuilding trust, then I encourage you to understand that this isn’t just about sex… yes, sexual intimacy can be healed between the two of you, but certainly the healing and reconciliation and hard work of strengthening the marriage needs to extend into all areas… communication, how you do life together, accountability, etc.
Continue too to seek the support of wise Christians around you. You need female Christian confidantes who will pray with you, offer you insights, pray for your marriage, etc. Your husband needs wise male Christians around him who he can be real with and pray with, etc.
I hope some of this is helpful. I’m so sorry for what you are going through…
Again, I am sorry it took me awhile to respond… In Christ, julie
My wife and I have been married for 25 years. I am 54 and she is 44 and i was previously married before without children from that marriage. I got remarried to my “now” wife because I loved her and because we both were Christians. Once we got married, I got the feeling that something wasn’t right… we had or tried to have sex the night of our honeymoon but from that time on we seemingly didn’t “connect” for whatever reason. I began to notice that my wife wasn’t really an “expressive communicative” person and it became un-nerving to me but when I would ask her if anything was the matter or if she was thinking of something, she would just reply “no”.
As time went by, we decided to try to have children and when it came to the act of intimacy, for my wife anyway, it was so robotic in nature that I was the one who felt we just preformed a “job task” and I told her as much but got no real response. I just felt like I was a means to an end for her to have children.
As time went by, whenever I would try and approach her to engage in husband/wife relations, almost always she would make me feel like I had to “jump through hoops” and then “maybe” give in but even then I never felt that she was really “engaged” in love making. It got so bad and made me fell so humilitated that I final decided to stop trying with her due to my frustration. I would ask her repeatedly if anything was wrong but she would just kind’a pass it off as her being tired raising our kids, which I figured could be real but as time passed I knew that she couldn’t be that tired by never approaching me to ever intial sex. I started to become very frustrated with her and her lack of communication concerning this and almost everything in our lives to the oint that I just decided that if she didn’t want to show me she loved me than I would just “emotionally divorce her and try to “ride this thing out”.
Two years ago, I just couldn’t take that our
marriage” was seemingly so sad and lacking in any kind of intimacy (communicative, emotional, sexual, spiritual) that I final let out my frustrations to her and told her that I wasn’t going to continue to “walk down this road of relationship death any more” and that she had better figure out what was going on either with her and/or us or things were going to change. During this point, she still couldn’t express her thoughts or feelings to me except to become mad and frustrated and cry.
we went to our pastor and discussed the situation (or in reality, I was the one eho did most of the discussing since my wife wouldn’t utter more than a handful of words to make up a couple of phrases) then we were directed to a marriage counselor but over the weeks the same thing happened were my wife wouldn’t openly discuss her/our issues. Our kids our pretty much out of the house and I knew this point in time would come when reality would stare us in the face since we never experienced “oneness or real intimacy as god ordained.
On a side note, my wife is an only child and she has such a extreme close bond to her mother that I have never felt she separarted from her when we did get married and I never had felt I was second (God is to be first) in her life. Her mother got word she has cancer when I decided to “let the cat outta the bag” and voice my displeasure with our marriage and now that has clouded our issues where she still is more focused on her mother.
Didn’t mean to go so long with my rant but as you can tell, I am very frustarted because I just wanted to try to have as “normal” of a marriage as possible but never thought something like this could’ve happened. She just doesn’t open up about her feelings or desires and doesn’t express love in a physical way to me. I am expressive and would love physical intimacy and feel I’ve been ripped off all these years… I’m about to contemplate separation or divorce if things don’t get fixed fast. I’m just so depressed and frustrated. Soory again about the length of my rant!