Wives Who Want More Sex. And Aren’t Getting It.

Are you a wife who wants sex more than your husband?   This can feel so isolating. Not only are you not getting your sexual intimacy and emotional desires met, you also may feel incredibly alone among most or all of your women friends.  Their husbands, it seems, want sex all the time, right?

When a casual conversation about sex comes up at a gathering of your gal friends, they more than likely are lamenting about their husbands who constantly want to have sex.  Meanwhile, you try to fake a smile, as if to convey, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

In reality, though, you don’t know what they mean. You silently are suffocating beneath unbearable pain, unable to share about the circumstances in your own home.  You want to have sex with your husband. You really want to. And it’s not just about sex. It’s about wanting to feel emotionally and physically close to the man you married.  It’s the whole one-flesh dynamic.

Try as we may to say it’s really no big deal, it really is.  Sex matters.  And your husband seems either indifferent or downright resistant.  The anguish and confusion leave you feeling sad and frustrated. Maybe even steaming mad.

And the pain can be quite spiraling.  You begin to wonder, “Why doesn’t my husband desire me?  What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with our marriage?”

If you find yourself swimming in this murky pattern of thinking, take heart.  First, receive some affirmation from me, another Chrisitan wife who cares deeply about your circumstances and who also happens to really appreciate sex as well.

1.  It is not wrong to desire your husband sexually. Contrary to some false myths that have been perpetuated among Chrisitan circles, it is not lustful or promiscuous for a wife to desire her husband sexually.  1 Corinthians 7 clearly conveys that God’s intention for sexual intimacy within a marriage is that neither a husband nor a wife would withhold their body.  Desiring sex is part of God’s design for marriage.  I know that you may already know this, but I wanted to say it anyway.  You wanting sex is a good thing. You initiating sex with your husband is a good thing.

2. God cares about your pain. You may be rolling your eyes right now because the last thing you want is some pat answer about God being acquainted with your pain (about sexual intimacy nonetheless).  But it’s true.  And it doesn’t hurt to hear it again — that you can pour your pain out to Him and know that He too is grieved about your husband’s indifference.  We all need allies in our worst struggles, and God is definitely your ally. Sex was His idea, after all.

3. The “reasons” why your husband doesn’t want to have sex likely don’t have to do with you. Let’s chat more about this.

As much as society wants to portray men as these simple creatures who need nothing other than a yummy cheeseburger, a TV remote, and ample sex, the truth is that they (like us) are more complex.  Obviously, I don’t know your husband, but here are some possible reasons “why” your husband is not showing interest in sex:

1. He’s stressed and tired. If he is feeling overwhelmed or is questioning his ability as a provider, husband or father, then his interest in sex may be on the back burner.  Or not even on the stove.  Or maybe not even within the vicinity of the house.  You get the picture.  If he is stressed out and tired, he is likely consumed with thoughts of responsibilities rather than thoughts of pleasure. And it’s real easy to get in a rut with this.  One week of no sex turns into one month turns into several months and so on.

2. His testosterone is low. Testosterone is the hormone responsible for libido (sex drive).  Both women and men have it, and if it it takes a plunge, an obvious result is that interest in sex takes a dive as well.  Fortunately, a doctor can check testosterone levels and offer a prescription to raise these levels.

3. He is afraid he won’t be able to get or maintain an erection. If he has struggled with impotency even once or if he is concerned about the effects of aging on his ability to get an erection, then he may simply avoid intimacy all together.  Yes, I know, it’s a weak reaction.  Honestly, though, we all have found ourselves reacting in poor ways when we are afraid.

If we take to heart that our battles are spiritual ones, we know that Satan delights in lying to us — partnering with us in our fears, to the point that we feel paralyzed to walk a different path.  Add to this the fact that Satan really doesn’t want you enjoying sex with your husband, and wow — lots of variables are playing into the scenario.

If your husband is questioning his ability “as a man,” then he is likely feeling incredibly vulnerable and afraid.  What do we do when we are afraid?  Sadly, we often retreat, rather than turning to our spouse for comfort and reassurance.

4. He has medical conditions that can affect sexual intimacy. If your husband is overweight or struggles with diabetes, cardiovascular issues, breathing problems, mobility, etc., then it could be his health that is taking a toll on your sexual intimacy.  Again, this is an important reason to visit a doctor.

5. He has unresolved issues either from his past or within your marriage. Again, I know we like to think that things just don’t get to men the way they get to women. A better approach, though, is to recognize that possibly there are relational issues that are rooted in pain he hasn’t shared with you.  Instead of opening up, he is withdrawing.

6. He is wrestling with sin. I share this with a word of caution, because obviously the last thing I want to do is add to your anxiety.  But I’m all about being real, and the reality is that some people (men and women) withdraw from sexual intimacy with their spouse because they are seeking sexual release elsewhere.  The most obvious situations are infidelity and/or pornography.  Certainly, I would encourage you to explore all other possibilities before considering this possibility, especially if you have no reason to suspect such circumstances.

Okay, that’s a lot of info.  Take a deep breath.

So what should you do with all this information?

First, pray. Bathe everything in prayer (obviously a good rule in general, but particularly with regard to marriage struggles). Second, try to talk to him when you both are well-rested and have some time to really talk.  I would not initiate such a conversation in a sexual setting, such as right as you are going to bed or right as you are at odds about whether you should have sex in that moment.   Tone means a lot, so as with any difficult conversation in marriage, approach with a tone of compassion, respect and patience.

Here are some conversation initiators:

“I know our intimacy has been a struggle.  I just want you to know that I desire you.  Can we talk about this?”

“I realize that you have a lot on your mind and this could be why we haven’t had sex much lately. I want you to know that I am here to listen.  You don’t have to keep your concerns to yourself.”

“I don’t have all the answers as to why we don’t have sex as much as we used to.  But I want you to know I love you and I am committed to us together working through this.”

“Please share with me why you think sex is a struggle for us.”

The key to all of this is staying in a place of not getting defensive.  If you have said and/or implied that you are “a safe person” with whom he can bare his soul, then you need to strive to really hear him and ask calmly for him to receive you as well.

“So,” you may be thinking, “what if all that doesn’t work?”

My deep heartfelt encouragement is this… that you continue to seek the Lord, pray, rely on His Word and find at least one woman Christian confidante who will genuinely listen.

Some of the difficulties of marriage are not easily resolved. They are not wrapped up in a neat package, like a one-hour talk show.  Sometimes, marriage feels a lot more like a pile of loose ends rather than a neatly-woven tapestry.  This sucks.  I know.  In the valley of struggles, it can help to have a good female friend to lean upon — someone who will listen even when solutions seem few or non-existent.

The optimist in me leans toward hope, though.  I lean toward healthy changes and renewed possibilities. I have spoken to women who have found themselves hungering for more sexual intimacy with their husbands, and over time and with concerted effort, have seen their husbands become more responsive.

If you are a wife who has wanted more sex, what advice would you give other wives?  If you don’t want to post a comment, email me at julie@intimacyinmarriage.com and I will compile the comments anonymously and post them on the blog.  Thank you…

66 thoughts on “Wives Who Want More Sex. And Aren’t Getting It.

  1. AlwaysNeedingMore says:

    So sad to see how many others are dealing with this. And I truly cannot imagine dealing with this for 30 years… My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We are both in our 20s.. We didn’t have premarital sex. He was a virgin and I wasn’t. We dated long distance and for the first few months of marriage were long distance. The week of marriage and the time I visited him after we married it was awesome sex, back to back sessions in a day we couldn’t get enough of each other it was amazing. He was everything I was ever longing for back before I got saved and was promiscuous.. Then he moved in and it’s like he is a different man (sexually). I think he is good with only once a week and we don’t go as long anymore and he cant get it back up again after he goes like he could when we first got married.. For the longest I would get mad, I didn’t want to believe He really couldn’t preform as before. I felt like he tricked me or was holding out so I kept pressuring him to perform better how he used to.. He would get mad and eventually I got tired of being rejected or sex being over too quick for me so I shut down. For a few months I had no sex drive at all.. He would try to initiate and I literally didn’t even feel like I could make myself want it… Eventually I went to the doctor and made some adjustments in medication and my drive began to come back.. But now I remember why it really left.. Its hard being the one wanting it more… It makes me wonder what’s wrong with me, am I addicted, am I being selfish? I’m supposed to be understanding of him but how when it causes me to hurt so much. To be understanding I have to withdrawal and pretend I don’t want sex all the time… I feel like he gets annoyed when I say we don’t do it enough… Granted sometimes we may do it 2-3 times in a week but I still want more… I think it’s because it’s always shorter now.. Its like I feel like I’m just getting started and he finishes so it’s over.. I know it’s bad because I have to hide that I’m crying when he goes because I don’t want him to feel bad.. He usually catches me crying tho and asks what’s wrong but I never open up fully because with this subject he always seems to get annoyed or mad like I’m nagging him for sex and “We just did it not too long ago”. I cant go 30 years like this.. I feel like I’m going crazy after 3. I love him deeply so I Am trying to pray more and talk to him about it less but I have just been so upset and feeling needy it comes up sometimes.. I don’t want to be bitter or resentful towards him so I try to pray a lot to keep my heart right… I just don’t know what happened when we had sex before it was so perfect.. It was everything I had ever dreamed of.. Now I have to beg or try to seduce him.. I started buying lingere online.. He really came after me one day when I wore the new outfit but I probably enjoyed that day the least.. I guess it made me wonder why he couldnt always want me like that or maybe it was just the outfit he likes because he doesn’t respond to me that way usually… He doesn’t masturbate that I know of or look at porn or cheat… The only thing from these articles I can think of that could be affecting him is stress, providing for the family, or maybe he thinks I nag him too much… I just find myself nagging more recently because I’m few up with telling myself it’s ok if he finishes quick be understanding.. I’m tired of telling myself it’s ok for me to feel deprived… I need things to change this year… I appreciate everyone a comments but really I feel like it’s out of my hands… There is no way for me to talk to him to make him understand my perspective I’ve tried.. And honestly I can’t understand how he is ok with not having sex all the time.. I can’t comprehend it because I want him all the time… Really 2016 I will be praying on this… I need to find a way to calm down when he says no.. Recently I end up starting an argument or have to just leave the room to calm down and stop thinking about sex…I literally went and folded close last night at midnight because it’s hard to pay next to My husband wanting him so intensely and knowing I’m not allowed… Its painful… I know he doesn’t withhold from me purposefully to be mean or anything.. I just really feel like he doesnt understand my needs and thinks I’m overreacting or complaing… Its in God’s hands now.. I cent fight this battle in my own.. I have needs and I’m tired of feeling ashamed of them or like I’m selfish and wrong.. God has said a few times this is the man I’m supposed to be with so I have faith he will fix this area of my marriage too.. I was made with this desires and I know my spouse has the ability to fulfill them.. I refuse to turn to sin just because I’m not getting it from my husband.. God will turn it around! Many prayers for all of you as well. My heart broke reading some of your stories.. Y’all are stronger than me! Last time we had sex was on Tuesday and I’m going crazy because he won’t give it up again..(it’s now Friday night and he is sleep…he said we already did it just this week so he doesn’t see why I’m thinking about it so much and stressing over it and me doing all that just makes him not want to have sex now for real because I’m making it stressful…)

    Idk I could go on and on… I have no one to talk to about this because my husband gets mad and I don’t like talking about marital issues with other people.. So prayer is my solution. Stay strong ladies!!


  2. Jen says:

    I am very glad I found this. While I have been in tears sitting here reading through the comments, it does make me feel better to know that I’m not alone.

    Chase, when you see her masturbating, join in with her and help her. She will be surprised, but I could see it leading to more 🙂 are you providing her with foreplay? That is a major area that my husband tends to forget. So I’m not as “in the mood” as I could be a lot of times.

    My husband is on depression meds. He has been every since we’ve been together. He’s tried coming off of them, but the result is NOT pretty. We did have sex before we were married and it was great! We did have sex at first even after we got married. I’m not sure when exactly it got to where we didn’t anymore. I went through like 6 months to a year of depression myself so maybe that is when? We’ve been married 7 1/2 years. We do still have sex at least once a month so it’s not as bad as some of you are saying. I pretty much always have to initiate it. And I know if I try to do that too frequently, it will just end in a fight. I couldn’t tell you how many nights I have cried myself to sleep because he didn’t want me. At times, he could be down right ill/mean about it. After about 4 years of marriage, I did something that I never thought I would do and had an affair. We had fell into a routine of drinking and parties and I had kissed 3 different guys, and ended up going all the way with one. I knew it was wrong and after about a month, I told him about it and told him I wanted a divorce because I couldn’t live that way. We talked and talked and cried and cried and decided to work through it. He did try very hard (so did I) and it was a lot better for about 6 months. Then I got pregnant. We got back into church and were saved and baptized. Things have been a lot better since then, but sex still isn’t very frequent. Our son is 2.5, and I am 17 weeks pregnant again. When I first told my husband, he said it wasn’t possible because we hadn’t had sex. But after much thought and consideration, we did remember one time that we did (I knew that I hadn’t been with anybody else!). Luckily since my son has been born, I haven’t want to as much. But I still feel rejected quite a bit. I think we’ve had sex 3 times since I’ve been pregnant. I hear my friends and co-workers talking about their husbands wanting it and different spontaneous experiences they have, and I’m so jealous. I don’t like feeling jealous, and then I feel guilty. I do try to initiate it at different times, but he says he’s busy or tired or can’t cuz of our son. When we do it, it’s maybe 1-2 times a month, at night, in the bed, without much foreplay (other than me trying to get him in the mood to do it). And lots of times, I will lay here and think about it and try to send clues to him that I want to so that he will initiate it (shave, fix up before bed, try to pose when he comes in the room, sexy outfits, etc.). But more often than not, it doesn’t do any good. And sometimes, I will go ahead and try to get him in the mood, but other times, I just cry myself to sleep or masturbate (hoping he will join in–tho he rarely does) because I don’t want to have to work hard to make him want me…. I just want him to want me because HE does, not because I got him worked up. At least, he’s gotten better about not pushing me away or being mean to me when I try to get him in the mood, but still, that’s not fun to have to do all the time.

  3. Scott Coles says:

    This article has been so informative and has brought a great conviction to my own heart.
    I never wanted to deal treacherously with my wife of 12 years. I am 42, 7 years older than my wife and what I thought was a good sex life in our marriage my wife would say the opposite.
    I love having sex with my wife and find her just as attractive and beautiful as when I first met her an fell in love with her.
    We come from very different backgrounds. She grew up in a strict religious home and I grew up in a divorced home raised by single mom who did everything she could to make ends meet when my dad left us. I was also a drug addict for many years before encountering God and becoming born again.
    I know that when I resist my wifes advances for greater intimacy and sex it crushes her and at times I have been indifferent and not wanting to discuss during the time. I never mean to reject her as I love her and she is amazing and the mother of our three children. I make excuses like I’m too tired or I didn’t know she wanted to, or I have to get up early to get to the gym in the morning. It seem like sexual intimacy has been mostly on my terms. Mornings on the weekend and when I desire which is wrong and causes my wife to feel rejected leaving us both in a state of sin and lacking peace in our bedroom and home.
    My heart is to continue to look at solutions to satisfy my wife’s emotional needs as Christ has given me to her and her to me.
    I have no eyes for other women or any interest in porn or masturbation. This could still stem back to when I was a child or due to low testosterone levels but by Gods grace my wife and I will breakthrough this issue and our love towards one another willgo deeper at every level spiritually, emotionally and physically.


  4. Ohna says:

    So, I actually read every comment here. So, so sad. I’ve come to the conclusion, many years ago, that every “problem” is caused by selfishness. Even the men who have illnesses. If they truly put their wives first, nothing would stand in the way of satisfing her. A penis isn’t the only way, right?
    Right now, my husband is feeling rejected, while he’s dressed, under his clothes, in a bra and panties. Perhaps I am rejecting somewhat. It’s been 19 years of a destructive marriage. This year I am finding myself. This is one of them. I am very creative, passionate and a little crazy ? This is not something wrong with me. I sent this article to my husband, his response, he felt like I was saying our sex life, or lack of, was his fault. I didn’t really respond.
    At the beginning, sex was, I thought, great. I was a very passionate, adventurous, virgin. First mistake, we had sex before marriage. Then I realized that I was the only one really investing. I did all the initiating and foreplay. After awhile, it hit me that he had never even touched my breast, let alone my vagina. At first I thought it was because he was shy. I thought it would be better once we were married. Second mistake, I asked him. So the cycle began. I pursued, he hung back. Then, he confessed, when I was pregnant with our first child, that he was a cross dresser. He had fantasies of us being out together, him as a woman. I was devestated. If I had known, I would have never even been interested in him, let alone married him.
    since then, our sex life has been erratic, unhealthy and a great source of pain. Right now, he’s going to counseling for healing. But at the same time taking medications for breast growth. I seriously want some sexual loving, but at the same time I can’t stand to touch him. He knows this, kind of obvious, and, again, feels rejected. His bucket, not mine. I’m learning to take care of my emotions, and let him keep his. Besides all this, it’s also been very similar to many of you stories.

  5. Niki says:

    I am married for 3 years and hardly had sex may be 4 times a year I guess… I always want more n he doesn’t.. it’s so depressing

  6. Arielle says:

    I think I may be alone in this. My husband would like sex a maximum of every 2-4 days. It drives me insane. I would really prefer a minimum of 3 times a day. I really thought once a day was a good compromise. We used to have sex all the time. He used to perform orally. Nowadays I have to initiate and it takes me HOURS even then. Foreplay never happens. The closest we get is me getting him worked up. He lasts 5-10 minutes and then he’s done. I cry sometimes afterwards. Orgasm has always been hard for me to achieve. I accept this about myself. But sex should be about us, that includes me. Not just him. He is very selfish in bed. I am left needing and sometimes it is so bad it causes me physical pain. Or if it’s been a few days and my skin is starting to itch and burn because I need him and he just won’t because he’s not in the mood, it hurts. My sex drive has not changed since I became sexually active, ever. We met when we were 14. We fooled around a bit, all above-the-belt. I took his virginity when he was 20. I lost mine when I was 13 against my will. I became active by choice when I was 14. That story is very sad and I don’t like to dwell on how broken I was. But at first my husband wanted me all the time. Now he barely does. He won’t tell me what gets him going. I have to guess. This is very frustrating. I have been given every excuse he can think of, for him not to want me and gets mad when I press him for sex, ever.

  7. Angel says:

    My heart aches as I type this .I have been married for 5months.It is a long distance affair and has always been. We dated for 5years and now married.we live in different countries because of some circumstances beyond us.He b early has sex with me when we meet.He is only interested in the first day and the rest if am not strong enough to tell him then it is time spent together without sex (I come from a background that a woman never ask for sex)we are liberal about this but despite that I still find it hard asking him for sex.This is getting hard for me to deal with and I have countless times spoken about it with himbut to no avail.
    I really don’t know what to do

  8. J.B.H--StayAtHomeWife&Mom says:

    This article is amazing… I know the issues in my marriage is from stress and my husband porn and lust addiction. Im always making a move…and he is always tired…then when he is ready he wants me to please him first then its super quick…smh.. There are times I wish I could reject him how he rejects me…but i dont know when…he will make a move again… It aches my heart so much to hear him battling between his wondering eyes and porn addiction… I am just really fed up trying.. I wish I could just be selfish like him sometime and fall asleep or just watch porn to release myself… Sigh.. Im praying it gets better.. It will be 5years for us in August.. Im 23 and he’s 27…and i feel like im with a old man. Smh… (Just Being Honest–Stay at Home Wife and Mom)

  9. Sue says:

    I think the majority of men who don’t want sex as much as their partner is because they watch porn and masturbate. And most of the time women have no idea, and we believe them when they say they don’t do it. If your man used to have alot of sex with you and he doesn’t anymore it’s most likely he enjoys his hand and his porn more than you. Fact.

  10. G says:

    I’m sorry for writing on this post soo much it’s just that I can relate to you all and I pray that God would mend, restore, fix, replace, and open eyes n hearts to our issues because they are SOO hurtful, my wife is in our bedroom now relieving herself , you see she won’t allow me to sleep with her, and regarding intamacy it’s been way over seven years, I’ve been on coach or other bedroom for about 11/2 , she thinks I can’t hear her when she does her business but I can all the heavy breathing and moaning and to be honest it’s just not fair I e been told that I’m handsome, I pay bills do housework and all the things a good husband should do but I don’t receive intamacy in return not as much as to sit with me , I m stuck I don’t know what to do, I’m retired now at 56 and still bring home more than she but I dudes she just doesn’t respect me and as all us men know respect is something that is essential regarding marriage, it’s a little after 4:00 am and I couldn’t sleep knowing what she’s doing, it’s ripping my heart out! This happens at least 3 times a week and I’m tired of no intamacy none, well I e gone off track again I’m sorry what I really wanted to say is that all you ladies and husbands going without please keep your faith in Christ, because we are hurting yes but I know that something better is waiting for us who stay strong in faith I know it soo hard but it will be worth it ? Well GodBless you all and hang on to your faith

  11. RozG says:

    I too desire my husband more than he appears to want me. He will have the grandkids stay over, or when we are alone started asking for pain medication because his kidney stones or knee is acting up (but he will go to the gym, yard work or help a friend move, or take extra hours working a security job). He is a good husband, but there is no intimacy- only a peck on the cheek (not the one I sit on) before work. I am frustrated. I know he has problems with erectile dysfunction, but he will blame me and get defensive. This is my 2nd marriage and his 3rd. We have been married 10 years. I don’t like confrontation, but I will pray and tell him how I feel.
    Glad to know I’m not alone ?

  12. God's Girl says:

    This is tough for me to type, but I’m happy to have came across this blog. We have been married for 3 years, and I was a virgin. I was under the impression that I was going to be chased down by my husband from my honey moon until the end of time. Not the case. If anything, I am the one chasing. After a year of wanting sex more, I stopped trying. It went from once a week to maybe once every two weeks. There is no romance…. Just sillyness. Tonight I asked to dance with him in our living room… Thinking it would be passionate. But he turned it into goofing off and pecks. Nothing sensual or intimate or romantic. Just silly. I long for some passion. I have so much to give, and I feel as if this marriage has drained me of my desires. It hurts me so much. I become ashamed of myself and think I’m abnormal for wanting it more. I cry about it, and he just falls asleep in a minute not caring. I feel so bad when I want to bring it up to him, because I know he blames himself. He is my best friend, a great provider, sweet to me, and he does love me. But, I don’t feel like he wants me like how a man would want his wife. We have spoken so many times about it, and it just doesn’t get fixed. So many women talk about their exciting sex lives, and I feel left out and fooled. Once every two weeks and basic. I prayed that God would take the desire away from me, and it actually happened. We blame it on being busy, but we can make it. We blame it on being tired, but we can go to the movies, play soccer or go to church events. I wonder if it’s me. If I’m not appealing or if I smell. I’ll keep praying. That’s all I can do…,rely on my Father in heaven. He will always meet my needs. He will heal this hurt. I know He will.

  13. Tanalle says:

    So glad I’ve come across this. I’ve read all comments and to be honest, I am glad I’m not the only one. I’ve been married for 9months now and our sex life is so boring! I love my husband so so much(sometimes I feel like I’m obsessed with him) but I don’t get the same in return. I know he loves me truly and he would do anything for me but when it comes to bring intimate, I feel so deprived and unwanted. He gets so angry when I bring this conversation up, doesn’t want to talk about it or anything.
    I thought I was the only woman but I’m so happy I came across this page.
    Today I had asked him if he could please make love and he rolled his eyes! That was so hurtful. I never in a million years thought a man would turn me down, but I guess I was completely wrong. Lol.
    I don’t know what I did wrong and I know it’s his work load that stresses him and he comes home tired but there’s days where, be comes home early..I mean that’s when it would be nice to have an intimate day together. He says I love sex too much(maybe I do) but we only have sex maybe ONCE a week and it will be so short. I won’t feel satisfied when ‘his’ done. I’ve asked him before to make me orgasm but he says no, he only wants me to orgasm while he is in me and I feel that is very selfish of him.
    I love my husband deeply but I’m dying inside.


  14. Depressed says:

    I do not know what to do. I guess because we had premarital sex, it is a sin. So we are punished. My husband has a very low libido. We have sex like 3 times a year only. I know he is faithful to me. However, I could not tell him what I truly feel— that sex is God’s gift and I want it. I do not know. I just masturbate. This is depressing. Please help.

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