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There is a little girl in my younger son’s class who always says “Hi Bradley’s mom” whenever she sees me.
It is so cute.
And each time she does it, I think how it makes me feel good to be called “Bradley’s mom.” Even with all the struggles of parenting (there are pa-lenty), I am humbly grateful to be his mom.
I was thinking about how such identity markers can stir either positive or negative feelings in us, particularly when it comes to those relationships that are closest to us. Those are the relationships that carry the greatest costs — and the greatest rewards, so to speak.
As for my marriage, I feel it is an honor to be introduced as “Randy’s wife.”
I can see the feminist activists squirming in their seats right now, as if me embracing that part of my identity as someone’s wife is a slam against equality.
For the record, while I think the women’s movement has raised valid awareness and change in some regards, I think one of the greatest detriments of the movement is this sometimes blatant breakdown of the qualities that truly do differentiate men and women.
I think a lot of exasperated women discovered that they were sold a bill of goods when they were told they could “have it all” — at least in the simplified way that was so cleverly depicted in a very polished 1980s’ Enjoli perfume commercial. I’m not against women who work (I work), but I am against this idea that a woman’s and man’s experience should be (or even can be) identical.
I’m digressing. Sorry. I do that sometimes. Hang around my blog long enough and I’m sure I’ll do it again. Ha!
Back to this phrase of being called someone’s wife — does that make you feel treasured and thankful? And for you husbands — do you embrace being referred to as your wife’s husband?
Intimacy shows up on the landscape with various calling cards.
It cannot be compartmentalized or cornered as one dimension of our marriages. Intimacy is a tone that permeates the crevices, shines light into otherwise mundane happenings.
I am Randy’s wife.
I’m more than that of course too, but I’d be lying if it doesn’t make my heart jump a bit to be his wife. It’s not that marriage is easy (because let’s face it — it’s not. Just like parenting, there are ups and downs). But after nearly 9 years of marriage, I continue to relish being Randy’s wife. It is a sacred part of who I am and it fits my soul well.
When you look at your life and your relationships, are you encouraged? Do you embrace being your husband’s wife, your children’s mom, your friends’ friend, etc.?
Reflect this day on those identity markers, and seek to understand their significance.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
I have to admit this one strikes a chord with me. I remember the generation where women signed their names “Mrs. Hubby’s Name.” I HATED that! It always looked to me like the woman had none of her own identity, but was only seen as the current wife of what’s-his-name.
So I resisted some of that. But now — while I do NOT sign my name that way — I’m a-okay with being Spock’s wife. In fact, I enjoy being Spock’s wife. I’m proud of my choice of hubby and believe that I complement him well. It is certainly one of the roles I play and part of my identity. Being linked together by name demonstrates more of that one-flesh identity we have together.
Great thoughts, Julie!
Creating men and women to be identical (as society would like us to believe) is NOT what God intended. God values men and women the same, but we have very different roles. We need to embrace our differences! I’m with J on the whole Mrs. Hubby’s Name thing, but I am super fine with being called Scott’s wife. AS a matter of fact, I am honored and humbled to be called Scott’s wife because I know that God has joined us together… and together, through our marriage, we can glorify Him!!
What a coincidence! Just a few days ago, I received a birthday card addressed to “Mrs. Hubby’s 1st name.” My husband handed it to me and laughed knowing I would not appreciate how it was written. Granted, it was sent to me by a lady in her 80’s (and she really prefers my husband over me!), plus I think it’s a generational thing.
I relish being my husband’s wife, however, I still have my own identity. On the flip side, my hubby has endured being called “Mr. Pearl” on many occasions. In some of our social groups, people know me better than him.
Even after 26 years of marriage, I prefer my own name. But, as long as my hubby and I embody Eph. 5:21, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” I think either one of us will be OK being called by the other’s name.
This is a very topical post.
I just noticed tonight that my wife has changed (hidden) her relationship status on Facebook profile so that noone can see that she is married, and the link to me is now hidden.
I feel really hurt. I am a good husband. I run and work out and am in shape. I spend time with the kids and take them (by myself oftimes) to Church and sport. I am the main bread winner and keep her in pleasant environment.
We have been married 14 years and have three beautiful kids.
What could be going on in her head? Am I wrong to be hurt and offended? How should I approach this? Should I just leave (I am fed up with the lack of passion and sex in our marriage?
It’s an interesting point you bring up here, and it’s one that I’m sure a lot of people have thought of, whether consciously or not. Being referred to as someone’s wife or husband instead of as themselves usually strikes a chord, but this is especially true for women. There are plenty who would take offense at being referred to as someone’s wife instead of accepting that that role is a part of who they are. And I hope more and more people, not just women, who are married would do just that — accept their role as someone’s spouse and not feel undervalued by it.
Thank you everyone for the comments! Really appreciate you stopping by.
Richard… I understand that you feel hurt by your wife’s actions on facebook. I encourage you, though, to simply have an open conversation with her to give her an opportunity to not only hear how you feel, but also to respond as to why she would have hidden her relationship status. As for the other dynamics in your marriage, (lack of sex), this too is an area that needs to be addressed… I realize such conversations can sometimes escalate, so the key is to speak in the “I” as to what you are feeling and then also express your desire for a stronger marriage… that you care deeply for her and that’s the reason you want to continually work on the relationship, including sexually, but also companionship, etc.
As for social media in general, I just think a good policy is that husbands and wives have access to each other’s accounts and that there is a transparency about the interactions going on with other people. Doing this just puts good safeguards around a marriage, while still allowing some of the fun that social media can be.
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Hi Julie,
First time here and found you through CMBA and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE your ‘What I Believe’ page! While I write on marriage….the path the Lord has me on is to help the wives grow in their faith, build their friendship, respect, submission, etc. with their husband before we get to intimacy. I will definitely send them over to you for the more specific details they’ll need for the marriage bed.