body image, marriage problems, sexual intimacy, Uncategorized
From Sexual Brokenness to Authentic Sexual Intimacy: One Reader’s Story
Dec
Our post today comes from one of my readers, Zinnada Hodges, who shares so genuinely about her own journey.
This post is so powerful.
If you have ever harbored skewed perspectives about sex, struggled with body image or simply been too tired to have sex, her story will resonate with you.
Through God’s guidance and provision, she found a way to embrace and celebrate the beautiful gift sex is in her marriage. Thank you Zinnada…
Hello, my name is Zinnada Hodges and I have been married for 11 years. My DH and I have 5 children with the oldest being 8-years-old and the youngest 2-years-old.
My husband introduced me to your blog and encouraged me to read it whenever I can.
God has blessed us to be a couple that values sexual intimacy in the way God intended it to be. We are always seeking His word and other biblical edification that will continue to teach and challenge us to minister to one another in a our marriage.
I’d like to share with you how the Lord is working in my heart and attitude to sexually satisfy my husband.
Pre-converson:
I grew up in the city. My parents loved and cared for me and my older brother. In spite of their love for us, during my childhood and teen years, I saw, explored, and experienced many unhealthy things related to sex.
One of those things that formed my thinking of sexuality was pornography. When I found it, I was taken captive by it. As I got older, I would see it in many places. Porn was everywhere.
Not only did I deal with pornography, but I was molested during my childhood. I also looked at R-rated movies that were very detailed in showing nudity and other sex scenes.
So, I was exposed to unhealthy sex very early in my life.
Since being exposed to pornography, I did things to arouse myself just as I saw in the R-rated movies and pictures in the pornography magazines. I also began masturbating after watching the movies. I did all of this at a very young age.
When I became a teenager, I would often do heavy petting and touching with my boyfriends. Thankfully, I never had a boy enter me. As I look back, the sovereign hand of God protected me from engaging in sexual intercourse. So, I was a virgin physically, but mentally I wasn’t.
Salvation:
One day, I went to a church service and heard the Gospel and that’s when I believe I received Christ as my Savior.
As I began to learn more about Christ, His word, and being discipled, I realized more and more the importance of sexual purity and I daily strived to “put to death” sexual sins that I did before I was saved. It was hard and at times discouraging, but by God’s grace, I was able to stop masturbating and I definitely stopped looking at porn.
I learned to cover my eyes at certain immodestly-dressed women and I learned other methods and habits that God showed me to help free me from desiring to look at it.
After salvation:
Although, I was exposed to sex early, the Lord protected me from having ill feelings about it.
As I continued growing in my faith, the Lord blessed me with beautiful godly women who taught me a biblical view of sex — that God made it and it was good within the marriage.
As God was growing me in my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I was being prepared to be a wife who saw the beauty of sex which would allow me to be ready and willing to be available for my husband. My DH has a very high sex-drive and the Lord prepared me to minister to him.
Sex and kids:
When God began to bless us with children, things began to change in our marriage. Nothing drastic praise God, but I was changing. You see, I wasn’t happy with my appearance. When my DH and I got married, I was a size 4. We had 5 children (no twins) from 2003 to 2009, and during this time I became a size 16!!
I vowed to NEVER be overweight. But, I let myself go. I ate a lot, stopped exercising, and didn’t have any motivation to change my lifestyle.
Although I gained the weight, my husband still desired me, which at times made it hard for me to want to have sex as much as he did. I made love to him, but I HATED my body!
I was also very tired. After being with the kids, I was simply TIRED! Sex was NOT on my mind, but I forced myself to do it.
After child #5, I came across a challenge. It challenged wives to wear lingerie for 30 days to bed. When I tried it, my husband really loved it. Although it was still hard seeing a large body, I enjoyed seeing him happy and it helped a little with me being more interested in sex.
About a year ago, God gave me the desire to lose the weight. I went from a size 14 to a size 7/8. Since I lost the weight, God has given me a greater zeal to show off my body to my husband. Exercise and time to unwind have given me the energy to have sex.
I’ve come a long way with sexual intimacy issues and I’m still growing.
But I have the desire to share what I’ve gone through and how the Lord has brought me through. I posted on Facebook one of your posts, Happy husbands come from Wives who put out. From that came a facebook group called “Relationship Talk For Christian Women, Married and Single” where we discuss different topics related to relationships for married and single women.
So, that’s my story. I hope that I can challenge and strengthen other ladies in the faith.
Thank you so much, Zinnada, for being real. Your story does encourage other women! I have no doubt that many parts of your story will resonate with so many readers.
For all you reading this, if you can relate to Zinnada’s story, please have the courage to comment… not only to affirm her in her journey, but also to shed light on the way God moves in our lives when we ask Him into our deepest pains and regrets.
Thank you, Zinnada, for sharing your story. It’s so helpful for those struggling to hear the testimonies of those who have overcome. I also like that you highlighted how it was not a one-time thing, but an ongoing approach to enhance physical intimacy in marriage. This line captured my attention: “the Lord blessed me with beautiful godly women who taught me a biblical view of sex.” That’s exactly what I would hope we Christians would do. And now you, Zinnada – along with Julie, of course – are one of those beautiful godly women teaching others.
Zinada – thank you for being courageous and sharing your story.
It is a joy to see my wife write about how the LORD been working in her life. Thank you Julie and Gina for your encouragment to her. I’m a happy husband 🙂 and pray that this post will be an encouragment to many to enjoy the wonderful gift of sexually intimacy the LORD has given to married couples to grow in and enjoy. LOVE YOU Zinnada and keep writing!
Thank you. This was so on time for me. I was on a getaway weekend with my husband. We started talking about this issue. This was a great encouragement to me. Blessings.
Thank you Zinnada for sharing your story. I am very encouraged. May God continue to bless you and lead you. 🙂
Thanks for being so open. That in itself is encouraging. May you continue to find healing in this area.
Where did you find lingerie that you felt comfortable in at size 16? I am an 18 🙁 I know hubby would like lingerie, but I also know he DOES NOT like the jiggly parts, which makes me more self-conscious and less aroused. It is very hard to want to look sexy but avoid “slutty” as our brokeness will take us to places we don’t want to go and regret /taint the moment afterwards. Thanks very much for sharing.
I thank you as well Zinnada. I struggle quite a bit with body image and have had similar past abuses. It has effected my relationship with my Christian boyfriend and future husband greatly- in some ways good, and some ways bad. It has been good in some ways because we are deeply bonded and I trust him greatly. I have been able to talk about my body issues with him more than anyone else, even my best (girl) friend and women who have counseled and ministered to me. It has effected us negatively because even though I trust him sometimes I have a hard time believing him when he thinks I’m beautiful and desires me- desires we are waiting to fulfill as husband and wife. Obviously he can’t show just how much he desires me yet, but I’m afraid my body issues will effect our sexual intimacy after we’re married. Through other inner healing I’m starting to believe the beautiful part, but often times I just don’t feel sexy. I have a thyroid disease and find it extremely hard to lose weight. Even on medications I have to be practically anorexic and exorcize obsessed to lose any weight. As you can imagine this has also affected my relationship with the Lord. I used to struggle with why He has made me this way, but through discipleship and counseling I know now He never intended this but because of sin, whether my own or a generational curse, I am this way. My particular denomination believes in “faith healing” and indeed the Lord has healed my womb, but now I struggle with “why hasn’t the Lord healed the rest of me yet?” I know He desires me to be healed just as much as I desire to be healed but I do wonder. I have managed to keep myself between size 16 & 18, but I know after we have children I may be twice that. It scares me. If I can’t be comfortable with myself and possibly sex now, how is it going to effect me then? I feel so hopeless and helpless sometimes about my weight.
This post touched my heart. I need healing in the area of body image. I want to be settled in my heart about my appearance. After seven children I need Gods heart about stretch marks and extra skin and fat. I am honored to be a momma its just my Human mind needs renewing concerning how I look now. Prayers and encouragement/insight are appreciated.
About 18 months ago, my sister made a comment that the Holy Spirit used to nudge me into necessary action: Addictions are most powerful when they become coping mechanisms for deep hurts. My overeating habit had become an addiction and food and my urge to consume it in binge episodes had great power over me. Several journeys with Weight Watchers had taught me some helpful management techniques, but the time had come to peel off the bandage and do a bit of surgery, so to speak.
I stopped the overeating and as you might expect, the deep hurts began to surface. With the help of a competent therapist, I am learning self appreciation. My husband has learned the importance of complimenting me in sincere ways. Most of the time (there are still struggles now and then) I believe he desires me. That’s different than believing he needs sex. And much better and more fulfilling!
I encourage anyone struggling with body image to consider counseling. There are countless images in our culture to which we compare ourselves and it is a tough battle to conquer. But with prayer, support and determination, we can become the lovers our husbands long for. It really is less about our outward appearance and more about our attitudes toward our husbands. They need to feel respected and wanted.
As for lingerie, again the effort and attitude speak volumes. Look for pieces that speak of femininity, softness, silkiness. And for things that are easy to remove! Think of it as gift wrap on the best gift your husband can ever imagine.
I was not very comfortable with this at first, but wearing something that feels alluring helps put YOU in the mood for sexual intimacy. Candles provide soft lighting, which can be helpful as well. And don’t forget, breasts are to men what chocolate is to women.
Wishing you well in your journey.