What if My Husband Wants To Do Something Sexually That I Find Degrading?

Recently, someone anonymously asked me how to handle “golden showers” — a sexual act she found degrading.

While I wasn’t familiar initially with the term, I was familiar with the act itself.

A “golden shower” or “golden bath” is the act of urinating on another person or in another person in order to derive sexual pleasure. (I have heard it referred to as “water works.”)

For those of you who have never heard of this, you can take a deep breath and pick your jaw up.  I know.  This is a lot to take in.

Please keep reading, though.

It is important to address this matter of one spouse being turned on by something that is humiliating, degrading or just plain mean to the other spouse.

Golden showers are one act on a spectrum of fetishes or behaviors that would hardly be considered mainstream, yet still do happen.

(Don’t even get me started on a few sexual terms that one of my high school teachers openly shared in casual conversation in class one day, assuming that a room full of 16-year-olds would be well-versed in such terms. Awkward. Inappropriate. Probably grounds for dismissal of the teacher, but I digress).

What do you do if your husband wants to do something sexually that you find degrading?

Here are my insights:

It is okay to say no.

Certainly God desires that we as wives be sexually available to our husbands, but sexual availability does not involve subjecting ourselves to humiliation.

And I think the vast majority of people — particularly women — would agree that being urinated on does not endear spouses to one another.  If anything, it causes division, anxiety, confusion and isolation (all of which are the exact opposite of what God desires sexual intimacy to do to our marriages).

Plain and simple, it is not a loving act.  The foundation of marriage — and therefore of sexual intimacy — is love.

I recognize that actually saying “no” is likely going to take a tremendous amount of courage, especially if the sexual act in question has been in your repertoire of sexual activity for awhile.

But I can’t emphasize this enough — you are free to change your mind!

I encourage you to talk to your husband in a non-sexual setting about your concerns. Speak with a tone that clearly conveys your boundary, yet still emphasizes your desire for nurtured intimacy.

Here is one suggestion:

“I know that you find ______ arousing, but I do not.  It makes me feel embarrassed and degraded.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before, but I’m telling you now.  I don’t feel loved when you want to do that.   Sex is important to me, though.  I want us to enjoy sex.  Can we talk about other ways to be creative in bed without either of us feeling bad afterward?”

If it is too difficult to initiate this conversation face-to-face, then I suggest writing it in a letter, with the added note that you want to talk about in person soon.

I know that changing unhealthy patterns in sexual intimacy is not easy.  Believe me, I get emails regularly from people who are desperate for their sexual intimacy to be a place of safety and oneness.

But if your husband is doing something that you find degrading, I implore you to start grasping how treasured you are by the Lord.  It is because you are treasured to this degree that you are worth being treated with respect.

And if your husband — the man who stood at an altar and vowed to protect you with his very life — continues to demand or force sexual acts that you have clearly said you will not do, then this is abuse.

You need support.  I don’t know what that looks like for you, but I implore you to seek it.

Speak with a counselor?

Seek the intervention of church leaders?

Lean upon close female Christian confidantes who will listen and pray with you?

At any rate, don’t keep going along with sexual acts that are destroying your self-image. You are worth so much more than that.

Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage blog.

29 thoughts on “What if My Husband Wants To Do Something Sexually That I Find Degrading?

  1. FatherOf4 says:

    I don’t know the circumstances of the request and, as I was not a recipient of the email, I know even less than you. But as a husband, I feel your response is humiliating and degrading to the husband. If I had requested my wife to participate in something she initially thought was degrading, I would hope she would probe deeper to find out why I am interested in this, from where this request originated (most likely, it’s porn), and what it would mean to me. From here, once she has listened and accepted my request (not accepted to participate, but accepted to listen), she would be welcome to state her objections and the reasons why. If the object is to be one flesh, would it not be better to have a couple draw together?
    It may have taken quite a bit of courage to be vulnerable to his wife and a response of “We need counseling.”, shocked disbelief and instant refusal, or “I can’t believe you are so perverted!” would also greatly harm the relationship. Those kind of responses would ensure such vulnerability would not happen again anytime soon.
    Lastly, I would encourage any women (including my daughters) to be
    “Try-sexual.” If the Bible doesn’t exclude it and it remains soley between the husband and wife, both parties, in my opinion, should consider trying it and decide together.

  2. JulieSibert says:

    Hello FatherOf4 — thank you for the comment!

    I agree with you on some fronts, but disagree in other regards.

    I totally agree that a couple needs to be able to have safe vulnerable conversation. If one spouse suggests something that the other spouse doesn’t want to do, this is an opportunity to enter into open dialogue that is marked by good respect and a willingness to listen. (I believe the response example that I offered in the post does have a tone of respect and not a tone of shock).

    Sexual intimacy is such a sensitive issue, that a married couple does need to be willing to really hear each other. That respect has to go both ways though.

    So if a spouse suggests something that the other spouse truly does find offensive, then the spouse doing the suggesting needs to receive the “no.”

    I’m not saying these are easy matters.

    As far as your reference to being “try-sexual”… simply because the bible doesn’t forbid something, I don’t think that means a spouse has to be willing to try something and then decide.

    Also, I don’t think all sexual acts fall on the same place on the spectrum.

    For example, I think more women would be willing to consider oral sex than they would be willing to consider being urinated on. I guess I don’t have studies to back that up, but if I asked all the wives I know, I can guarantee that nearly all — if not, all — would not find it endearing to be urinated on by their husband.

    I’m pretty adventuresome in the bedroom, but if my husband said he wanted to urinate on me, I wouldn’t be up for trying this. I already know that I don’t want to be urinated on and that I wouldn’t find it arousing or endearing.

    The goal should be one flesh, as you say, and whatever a couple is doing should be drawing them together. It does not draw a husband and wife together if one of them is coercing the other past boundaries that clearly do not fall in the realm of generally-accepted sexual acts.

    All that being said, we can agree to disagree on this point. I do appreciate that you took the time to read the post and to comment. Thank you!


  3. Jco says:

    OK, fine: I’ll say it: Urine? REALLY??? How about “No.”?
    Maybe, if you’re using “KY Jellyfish” or something…

    Seriously: this is not hard to figure out: Urine is a waste product of the body, as is fecal matter and menstrual blood. The bible has specific prohibition against the sex during menstruation but not of sex involving the former two because it doesn’t need to. Who in their right mind would find either substance to be associated with pleasure or comfort? I’m a 40-something male and heard of this practice over 20 years ago while in college and it’s disgusting to think about. And that’s not an opinion — it’s pee.

    Really? “Darling, I’m yours… have you way with me! How about 69”
    “Actually, honey, let’s start with #1…”

    Someone turned on by the intentional use of waste products in sex, especially in a Christian marriage, really have their priorities messed up. It’s quite different if there’s incidental fluids with oral sex, and the couple should wash before going there anyway. At least we find references, veiled though they may be, in the Song of Solomon describing oral sex in a positive manner.

    Wow, Julie, you handled a tough topic quite well. If the two are in agreement, then that’s their business. But if either one does not feel loved or aroused by the act, then prayerfully leave it at the altar. Keep your spouse’s interests above yours. No direct disrespect to FatherOf4, but on this specific matter I see no place for it.

    (PS: Urinating on a person stung by jellyfish can save their life as urine does indeed counteract the toxins.)

  4. T333 says:

    This idea makes my skin crawl–yuk! I don’t care which partner would offer this as a suggestion of sexual intimacy–it absolutely is NOT!!! God gave us His Word yes, but He also gave us common sense–He built things into our fiber that we just ‘know’ to be right or wrong. This is clearly in the ‘wrong’ category. Now, if you need to check it with the Word, go ahead, but REALLY??!!

    In the context of sexual pleasure giving/seeking, one thing I think most women will say, is that in all circumstances(especially the marriage bed) they want to feel safe and protected. Most men would probably say they want to please/take good care of their wives. At the same time, both would probably say a bit of adventure sexually is optimum too–we all want to keep things passionate/spicy in the bedroom!! On this I think we can all agree?! My husband and I have been married for 18 years, and there are seasons of hot n’ spicy to tired n’ mundane, and everything in between, The point is, it takes time to nurture and cultivate sexual intimacy–and the willingness by both partners to communicate with one another, and sacrifice our own self pleasure at times(I said, at times, meaning sometimes, not all the time).

    But when it comes to those who want to call ridding the body of waste a ‘sexual act’–that is all together another discussion. There is a wire that has gotten completely crossed somewhere, and I pray the Lord would help anyone with this thought life to be set free from it, or anything like it. Which brings me to another point, EVERYTHING including our sex life, needs to be bathed in prayer!!! God created it and included it in the bonds of marriage to be a source of oneness and pleasure for both partners. This means He cares deeply about it–so if your sex life with your spouse is either wonderful, or not so great, PRAY–TALK TO HIM–HE LOVES YOU BOTH, AND WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU BOTH–ESPECIALLY IN YOUR MARRIAGE BED!!!

    Thanks Julie, once again, a great source of help!!! 🙂

  5. J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says:

    I have heard of this practice as well, though not the names given to it. It doesn’t sound “golden” to me at all. You deftly handled this difficult topic, Julie. Communicating about your sex life can clear up a lot of issues. A couple must be willing to discuss perspectives, desires, values, etc. when it comes to the bedroom. Yes, it can be uncomfortable. But it’s worthwhile.

    @JCo – Nicely worded. And if I am ever stung by a jellyfish and my hubby must pee on me to save my life, the LAST thing either of us will be thinking about is sex.

  6. Bob says:

    This type of thing (“fringe” sexual activity) is definitely an emotionally-charged topic…especially in Christian circles.

    My opinion is that anything one spouse has to coerce the other spouse to do against their will is outside the bounds of the marriage-bed. I agree with the comments above that coercion doesn’t draw the couple closer.

    What I would find encouraging is that a couple would feel free to bring up fringe activities like this one to the other and not feel like a “no” answer is a rejection of them…just a rejection of the act. That to me is a couple who is allowing themselves to be vulnerable to each other completely, which DOES draw them closer together.

    Having said that, I would be careful stating your own opinion as fact (not saying you did this Julie…but there were two comments that said this is “wrong” pretty emphatically). Not too many years ago this post could have been about oral sex and gotten a very similar “that’s disgusting and wrong!” response from people (probably still some who would say that). If you find it wrong for you then steer clear. If a husband or wife both find this practice (or any practice which takes place completely inside the boundaries of their marriage bed) acceptable and even enjoyable…who is anyone else to tell them otherwise? The Bible says that anything not done in faith is sin…this leads me to believe that anything done in faith is not a sin (obvious listed sins aside…people can deceive themselves to believe they are murdering or having an affair “in faith” so it still must line up with scripture).

    God gives each married couple a large area of sexual freedom in which they are free to explore and decorate as they see fit (again…lining up with scripture is a must). No others should have any entrance or influence inside that area and the boundaries should never be crossed by the couple…if that remains the case and they are both in agreement then more power to them.

    I understand this post was about a request the wife received and was even coerced into doing…communication is always key…foundational to a flourishing sex life for a married couple. I pray that all of God’s married kids feel free enough to say no when they feel uncomfortable about something…and that dialog will always be completely open and honest.


  7. JulieSibert says:

    Thanks for the comments Bob!

    I definitely agree that God does give a married couple tremendous freedom within the marriage bed (as long as exclusivity is being maintained… no third parties… and no one is getting hurt emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc).

    What I find fascinating, though, is that I have not heard any women speaking up that they find this act of being urinated on as something they would welcome into their marriage bed. In other words, I guess I’m just curious if there are indeed wives out there who are not only open to this, but actually enjoy it.

    I would welcome the insights of a woman who appreciates the golden shower.

    My guess is that I’m not going to hear from anyone. But hey, I’ve been surprised before.

    You’re right that the context of my post was in a situation where one spouse is doing something or requesting something that the other spouse finds degrading or humiliating.

    Would I say that God would absolutely forbid urination as part of sexual intimacy if both the husband and wife were open to this? Hmmm. I guess I couldn’t say that.

    In my opinion, though, it doesn’t sound like this would endear a spouse to each other. Plus (and maybe this is just the wife in me)… what a mess. Urine? On me? On the bed? Doesn’t sound appealing.

    Thanks, though, Bob for the comments. Always appreciate the dialogue!

  8. T333 says:

    With the interesting comments you’re getting on this topic Julie, I have to throw this in too…

    Urine is for the TOILET–as is vomit. Is anybody willing to say that vomiting on your spouse could be considered a sexual act as well?

    While I agree that what 2 married people decide is pleasurable is their business, I can’t even believe this would be on the list anywhere of possible things that could bring one another pleasure!!!

    And I too, would like to know if anyone–male or female–WANTS to be urinated on–I just can’t see it–at all–ever!!

    I’ve only heard of such things in relation to pornography. It is unfortunate that porn is running rampant in the body of Christ. Seems the lines are getting blurry even in places where they ought not. We are to be set apart and look different from the world–our private time should be no exception.

  9. Doris says:

    Well, think I’ll throw my two cents in this dialog. A “golden shower” is a sinful excess practiced by deranged people; if they find pleasure in it, then it’s first a deceiving one and second a very unhealthy one. As mentioned above, porn is the vehicle that brings such enormities from the dark corners of society to the light where decent, normal and blessed people walk around. And let me say that to find pleasure in urinating on someone is not even considered to be mainstream porn!!! So even by those standards this practice remains weird…

    As I do watch porn together with my hubby, we stumbled on this at some point (again, not easy to find it in porn-land either). Hubby never asked to pee on me because he’s too much in love with me, so much in love that once or twice (when he lost his mind coming… ahem) he asked me to pee on him. Then I let him cool down and started a nice and serious discussion. “Did you really mean it?” He thought a couple seconds and said to me “Nah, actually I was taken away by exploding hormones and crazy imagery.” He then jumped on his laptop and Googled about the chemical compounds in urine. There’s uric acid and other waste poisons that can harm the human body. “See, no reason you pee on me. It was just an ugly fantasy and I deleted it in a flash of reading.”

    What did I learn from here: (1) that today the internet gives us access to whatever sick minds hide down there in a dark spot; (2) that keeping accidental and detrimental fantasies in your soul is the worst you can do, so best is to speak them out together with your spouse, in the most intimate and open way, like you do all things in your marriage; (3) that there’s always a better answer than a plain “no” and this is “give a Google after it” and read some science on the topic, this will show you that it’s no good whatsoever; and if you find no good in it, then here’s your reason to dump the ugly fantasy away from your mind, for good!

    Now about oral sex: give a Google ( 🙂 ) to find out the compounds in sperm. I find it highly nutritive and healthy. This is how he convinced me (after 20 years of oral sex) to swallow. Yes, sperm is healthy only if you share it inside your marriage, with your sole partner, who married you and is raising your children. So this makes “public” sperm unhealthy, for various biological reasons.

    God put nature on auto-pilot and allows us to play with it so we can better learn about good and bad (on our own skin!). Terrible diseases occur when people can’t figure this separation. We’re actually souls having to live inside our bodies and not bodies tagged with souls. We should take care of our bodies, right?

  10. JulieSibert says:

    Thank you for the comments Doris.

    While I don’t think watching any porn is healthy, I do appreciate that you took the time to comment. You do make some very valid points.

    My issue with porn is that it invites third parties into something that is meant to be sacred and exclusive… even if those third parties are not actually present. Plus, it creates unrealistic images of women, which then have the huge potential of wreaking havoc on a wife’s self esteem and/or a husband’s expectations (this can go the other way too, as it can create unrealistic images of men, leaving a husband feeling inadequate).

    Anyway, we can agree to disagree on the porn issue.

    Like I said, though, I think you are spot on that a couple needs to bring out into light healthy dialogue. (And I too read that sperm has some benefits, where obviously urine does not).

    Thanks again Doris!

  11. Pingback: Lather, Rinse, Repeat? A Follow Up Post on the "Golden Shower" | Intimacy in Marriage

  12. Bill says:

    Activity A is physically harmless yet your spouse refuses to even entertain the thought of it.
    What if activity A is kissing?
    You see the problem with granting absolute power of refusal?
    You have hit upon something that I think is one of the single most destructive pieces of advice you can give to married people and it has nothing to do with golden showers or sex but with the structure of your argument. It is overly focused on the specific and not the general and it does not in any valid way take into account that there are two people in the marriage.
    Ok, I admit that is a very strong statement but let me explain.
    When you give the power to either spouse to refuse anything, sexual or otherwise, you have created a tyrant. Not that they don’t have the right to refuse but that with great power comes great responsibility or if you will, absolute power corrupts absolutely, so be very very careful with that refusal thing.
    For instance, what if a husband for whatever reason tells you after you are married that the only way he will have sex is for the sole purpose of procreation, you will both remain fully clothed but with an opening in the appropriate places, the lights will remain out and the wife’s face will be covered. So you have a husband that thinks that to have sex any other way is degrading and he will not budge. He refuses the degrading way his wife wants to have sex. Now what?
    The answer is not about refusal but accommodation.
    Absolute refusal shuts down the conversation before it starts.
    To use your example of a golden shower, which is to the vast majority of us would be degrading, humiliating or at least a bit odd even though physically harmless. And since it is physically harmless a refusal would need to be explained even if most of us would want no part of it. I bet you all can think of other examples of where one spouse or the other thinks something that most of us consider normal is degrading. Your advice must of necessity take this into consideration and I do not feel that it did.
    (By the way, urine is sterile and cannot be compared to other waste products.)

  13. JulieSibert says:

    Thank you Bill for your comments! I appreciate you stopping by!

    In my opinion, though, I think you missed the point of what I was trying to say.

    Certainly I think a couple should nurture the kind of safety in their dialogue whereby they each feel safe in expressing what they desire sexually. The other side of the coin, though, is that there needs to be safety in declining certain acts that one spouse finds degrading.

    I don’t think we can even begin to throw kissing into the same category as the golden shower. If a wife told me that she is refusing to kiss her husband simply because she finds it degrading, I would challenge her to look closely at why she feels that way — and does her why fall in line with God’s Word.

    Ultimately, we all must give an account for how we conduct ourselves within our marriages. We know if our motives are loving and if they are reasonable. Would it be reasonable and loving for a wife to refuse to kiss her husband? In general, no… that would not be reasonable and loving.

    On the flip side, though, is it reasonable and loving if a husband is offended that his wife won’t try a sexual act that is clearly outside of mainstream sexual practices (like the golden shower)? No, that is not reasonable and loving. I’m not opposed to the idea that it be suggested… what I’m opposed to is the expectation that one spouse must try something before they can decide they don’t want to do it.

    As I have said before, I do not need to urinate on my husband or have him urinate on me to know that this is something I personally would find degrading. If he then tried to coerce or guilt me into trying it anyway, all the while arguing that my body is not my own, then I think he would have a lot to answer to God for. I’m not sure how loving his motive would really be.

    Absolute power does corrupt absolutely, but we gotta have some common sense with regard to sexual intimacy in marriage.

    When God told us not to withhold our bodies from each other, I believe his goal was building a foundation of trust and oneness. If a couple is sabotaging that by either their unreasonable refusal (i.e. “I will not have sex with you ever”) or by their unreasonable demands (i.e. “You must try every sexual act I request”), then I think we are missing the point of 1 Corinthians 7).

    Thanks again Bill for your comment. I appreciate the dialogue.

  14. Bill says:

    Thank you for your response and thank you for doing this blog. You are doing a great job.
    Now, as to your response I do get your point and I completely agree with you. I personally in no way have any desire to participate in that particular fetish. What I am talking about is the law of unintended consequences.
    There will be a large portion of your readership that will walk away with only one concept:
    “I have the right to refuse any time I think that my spouse is asking me to do, feel or say anything that I consider degrading, demeaning, humiliating or just plain wrong and if they persist it is abuse.”
    This will grow in power until the spouse in question becomes an absolute tyrant in the home.
    I know you tried to cover that aspect of marriage but in my opinion you focused too much on the fetish in question and not enough on the larger more destructive force of unilateral refusal, which should be used very sparingly and only after much talk and maybe more than a little counseling if the issue is as extreme as the fetish in question.
    Living with a tyrant is no fun at all. Especially one that has sees themselves as “authorized.”

  15. netta says:

    This act of golden shower is degrading. God created sex so that the husband and the wife could feel good. The bible says the husband is to love his wife as Christ love the church and gave himself for it. I dont see any love in this act that would bring the wife closer to her husband. Sex is suppose to bring the husband and the wife closer together. Its not just a physical act it is spiritual.

  16. landschooner says:

    Not arguing with you here at all Julie. Addressing some of the responses here.

    This act isn’t degrading just because you say it is. It’s degrading to YOU.
    I have no problem believing that most people DO find it degrading. I have no interest in this activity, but if a couple together find it enjoyable, by all means, they should shower away. If for some reason my WIFE wanted this, I would oblige her. Why not? I can’t imagine it and I have no desire for it, but why wouldn’t I do this for her?

    I agree that a spouse should be able to refuse acts they find objectionable, but I agree with the cautionary advice of Bill here. There really ARE some spouses that refuse almost everything. Missionary-only, same time, once a month, same spot on the bed, same, same, same for 20 years without variation…….(My marriage has been like this more or less by the way.)

    If one spouse craves variety, even within very common norms, and the other demands a very strict unvaried routine, this should be examined in love.

    “I want to talk to YOU, but I don’t ALWAYS want to talk about the same subject every single time”

    “I want to go out to dinner with YOU, but I dont always want to go to the same restaurant and order the same meal, every single time”

    “I want to go have fun with YOU, but I don’t want to (fill the the activity – bike riding, playing trivia, whatever) every single time.”

    “I want to have sex with YOU, but I don’t want to do the EXACT same thing every single time”

  17. loveof9 says:

    what if “no” isn’t enough. What if lines of communication are always hampered by tender egos? What if “people grow and change” isn’t acceptable and counseling is out of the question because it is too private and there’s that ego thing again.
    What if you get told “but you like it because you don’t say no and you get so into it” or you can always say no but you don’t so it is you wanting it….but sometimes saying no just seems more hurtful, than allowing myself to be hurt.

  18. Randy says:

    My spouse and I had this talk last week. New Testament writing tell the wife to submit to the husband. Pretty simple
    Yet, you are telling spouses that it is abuse if what the husband desires is an act the the wife feels is degrading. Who is to say the wife is right. Golden showers are disgusting to me, but who am I to say what is degrading and what is not. You are on a slippery slope and you will answer for statements like the one above.
    The correct answer would be for the wife to ask for Gods strength in performing the acts her husband desires of her.

  19. JulieSibert says:

    @Randy… I think you missed the point of my post.

    It is not loving to demand or force certain sexual acts… I do believe that is abusive. Where is the love in demanding or forcing someone? Sexual acts like the golden shower are not necessary for a nurtured intimate relationship. If, though, both spouses enjoy such act, then obviously that’s a different story… the demand and force is not there and the context is love.

    So, you and I will have to agree to disagree on this one. Thanks for stopping by and commenting though.

  20. Gianna says:

    If a man loves his wife as Christ loved the church, than he would never do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable, communication, submission does not mean you are a slave to someones elses will. Respect and trust is a must.

  21. Want2pleasehusband says:

    As a woman I can say that I personally would not be turned on by a “golden shower”. However, I can maybe see where some people could potentially find it arousing simply because of the area in which it comes from which of course is very sexual. Having said that, it makes me feel as though my problem, that caused me to stumble across this blog, is even more ridiculous. My husband and I are about as close as you can get in every way possible, seriously a match made in heaven. We have been married for almost 6 years. Recently though it seems to annoy my husband that I close the door to pee. He just makes little comments like “seriously? You’re really gonna bother to close the door?” I don’t believe it is really a sexual issue at all, just more that he has seen every inch of my body up close and personal a million times and yet I close the door for something as simple and natural as peeing. I think he likes that we are present for things, as husbands and wives should be, that no one else can witness and he just wants to feel like there’s nothing we can’t do in front of each other. I’ve thought about leaving the door open a million times, but I just haven’t been able to do it. I don’t really know why… It’s just that I feel like me sitting on the toilet is the complete opposite of sexy and I always want to be attractive to him. Am I being completely weird and ridiculous? Is it weird that he even cares that I always shut the door? Is it maybe even wrong that I haven’t just left the door open for him to see since it clearly seems to bother him?

  22. JulieSibert says:

    @Want2pleasehusband… thank you for your comment and question.

    Have you shared with him that it’s not an issue of hiding something from him or not being open with him, but rather that you just do it out of habit (after all, you close the door other places when you go to the bathroom… restaurants, friends’ houses, public places, etc.)?

    Also you could tell him that you don’t feel very attractive when you go to the bathroom and you would just prefer to be more modest.

    My guess is that he is misinterpreting why you are closing the door.

    Also, it could be a difference in how you each were raised? Some people are raised in homes where the bathroom door is regularly left open when it’s just family in the house, whereas other people are raised in homes where the bathroom door is always shut (privacy, modesty, etc.)

  23. Scott says:

    To simply say “if your wife finds it disgusting then don’t do it” is not always the right answer. For example, 9 years ago my wife decided that sex was disgusting and she told me she never wanted sex again. I would have left her but we had a 3 year old son at the time. I didn’t want to lose that joy of being a father to him; however, with no sex with my wife in 9 years my resentment towards my wife is sky high. Your advice puts ALL the power in a relationship entirely in the hands of the wife. Poor advice Julie.

  24. Kaitlin says:

    Woman here who enjoys golden showers in my marriage: My husband and I actually love the act of pee play with one another and neither one of us sees it as degrading, but rather, inviting, intimate, and erotic.

    He confessed to me during our honeymoon phase that watching me pee and wanting to be pee’d on was something that aroused him, and through hearing his heart on the matter I realized that I enjoyed it very much as well.
    We are both serious Christians: I am a worship leader and he is a teacher and we are not “sinful people,” as we live lives of repentance and hate sin because it harms our relationship with our Heavenly Father. we want nothing more than to please God in everything. Urine is sterile if both people are healthy and it is actually 96% water. For my husband and I, we both enjoy it for the following reasons: It is very intimate and something you don’t share with someone else, it is a part of the person you love, it is warm, and sharing it with one another gives a strong sense of connection and trust. It’s engineers 100% openness and no judgment… to take something so ostracized in society and in the world and embrace it with the other person is beautiful to us both in the marriage bed.

    It is low-risk for health problems, it is sterile and in a healthy person, it doesn’t contain bacteria in the way excrement or vomit does. It’s actually cleaner than saliva in some people, and people kiss all the time. Many studies go so far to state that urine actually has healing properties. It is private, and urination creates a bond through the psychological concept of losing control of yourself in the act and urinating on the other, so it is like female squirting for him he mentioned, also.

    We are both very hygienic type-a people outside of sex and we make sure that we are cleaned and washed well. We keep our bed and furniture spotless–we mostly engage in pee play if we are in the shower or outside in a private place in nature. We eat healthy and drink lots of water of course before engaging in any acts of showering.

    My reason for sharing this is to not encourage other people to do this if they are not interested, but only to supply more understanding on the matter in other marriages.

  25. Mike says:

    If your partner/spouse wants you to pee on them, than suck it up and just do it. Who cares if it’s not your thing. Pee is harmless. If you really love your partner, you would do it because it turns them on. It’s not like they are asking to stick you with needles. It’s just pee people, get over it and quit being selfish.


    I’m blown away at the fact that Christianity got brought into this topic. If someone refuses to partake in pee play simply because they are Christian, than that person clearly has mental issues and that is a loud and clear sign that you should leave now before you have too much time invested in them.

  26. John says:

    Somehow or other the topic became “the man peeing on the woman”. I have never cared for the idea of peeing on my gf, wife or, for that matter, any woman. I love my partner’s female parts and that happens to include her urine. I have been married for almost 25 years and my wife has been willing to indulge me and, lol, deluge me. This is an act of love (and lust) for me and has zero to do about anything degrading. A real question might be: I feel the need (compulsion?) for her urine but she is unable to accomodate? Are we simply incompatible?

  27. Zoe Stent says:

    Hi Julie,
    Great blog and I like your style.! Could you now list off some adventurous bedroom activities that aren’t sinful or degrading? It seems like most are to a lot of people.

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