marriage problems, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles
How Much Time Does Sex Really Take, Anyway?
Mar
So, my husband was off work the other day.
After we meandered through mundane errands, we found ourselves with a small window of opportunity before having to pick up the kids from school.
By small, I mean 15 minutes. We made the most of it, if you know what I mean.
I don’t really understand the argument of “not enough time” for sex. Honestly, how much time does it really take, anyway?
Don’t get me wrong… there certainly are a lot of positives about sexual encounters that are drawn out experiences. Hey, what’s not to like about sexual anticipation and foreplay that stretches throughout the day?
But… if having an entire day (or even 2-3 hours) to devote to sexual allure is always a prerequisite for sex to actually happen, we’d be missing out on some amazing opportunities.
(Like opportunities that show up as 15-minutes before snagging the kiddos from school). Honestly, it was the best 15 minutes of our day. Indescribable, I tell you.
So, back to this “there isn’t enough time for sex” argument. If “time” prerequisites are holding your sexual intimacy hostage, do the courageous thing.
Stop telling yourself (and your husband) that there isn’t enough time for sex. Walk instead in a healthier direction.
Push the laundry off the bed, lock the bedroom door, and make the most of the opportunities you’ve been waltzing right by. Truth be told, there is enough time for sex. (If you ask me, there’s always enough time for sex, but hey, that’s me. I might not be the average everyday housewife in that regard. Hard saying.)
Can a marriage really be nurtured in 15 minutes? Absolutely!
Now that I have your attention on this, I want to tell you about a resource my pal Dustin Riechmann is offering. Dustin blogs on his site Engaged Marriage, and I’ve followed him long enough to trust him.
The man is an inspiring force of goodness when it comes to encouraging marriages. This guy is sold-out in love with his wife and kids, is humble, and is dedicated to speaking hope into broken places. Plus, he speaks out of his own story, which I always appreciate much more than lofty theories. (Lofty theories annoy me more than they inspire me).
Like a lot of you (and like me), Dustin’s life is full and busy and a wee-bit overwhelming at times. So he gets it. And he’s put together this eBook about a 15-Minute Marriage Makeover. He shows you how just 15 minutes a day over a month can radically improve your marriage.
As a blogger, I am asked regularly to read stuff like this. Dustin even gave me the opportunity to read his eBook before he was ready to release it. (He didn’t even mind when the journalist in me caught a few of his typos. Gotta like that kind of humility.)
I only recommend items that I think have enough meat to them to really make a difference in someone’s marriage. If you and your spouse could spend 15 minutes a day and experience closer connectedness, wouldn’t it be worth it?! (Come on… please say “yes” to that, even just to humor me).
Dustin’s tips are spot-on. I was pleasantly relieved as I read the entire eBook to discover that Dustin isn’t afraid to be real. And his tips are specific enough that you and your spouse could really gain some healthy ground in your marriage.
The eBook costs $27. The price really is a very small investment and bargain when compared to what you are spending on other things in your life. What are you plopping down for high-speed internet? What about the weekly trips to Starbucks? What about pizza after your kid’s baseball game? You get the point.
Because I’m committed to being up front and honest, if you buy the eBook through this link on my blog here, I get a portion of each sale. Why is this so great? Because it means Dustin has done the wise thing and taken steps to make sure as many marriages as possible benefit from his eBook. That’s his heart, people. I’m just saying.
Your marriage is worth it. 15 minutes a day. (Think what you paid for your wedding. Or your honeymoon. Or the rings you put on each other’s hands. Or your last haircut.) We’re talking about your marriage. My husband and I are going to do the eBook. (Yes, even people like us who have amazingly hot sex still have lots to learn about marriage. Trust me.)
So how are you going to spend 15 minutes today making your marriage better? You could go the sex route. Or you could read lesson one in the eBook. Or you could get wild and crazy and do both! Don’t hold back now.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
This article is great … now how do I convince my wife to read it ?
We have not been intimate for the last 6 weeks, and even the last time it did happen, I felt she was there just for a sense of duty. Granted, right now in our marriage there is much tension and stress, due to problems with our oldest daughter (18). Right now we are cordial, talkative, heck we even do the cuddle “thing” . For 5 minutes. And then it stops right there. It feels more like having a roommate. We spoke about it, and she said she, really, can go for months without sex. I am not on the same frequency, and that is a recipe for disaster. I work hard to not simmer in resentment, or not to look at pornography, but I am running out of self-control, so to speak. It’s not ( OK, it is) only about “the sex” but the need for pure intimacy. Feeling the warmth of her skin, sensing that for a few, rare, minutes it is only us, no kids, no phones, nothing else but her and I. What am I doing wrong ?
Roberto… thank you for the comment. I’m sorry for what you and your wife are going through right now.
Every marriage is unique, but I can offer some general insights. First of all, I don’t think it’s a matter of you or your wife doing something wrong. It’s usually more of an issue with miscommunication or lack of communication.
You say there is stress in other areas of your life. Women tend to have a hard time compartmentalizing things… meaning, while you may be able to focus on sexual intimacy, she may be having extreme difficulty tuning out the internal dialogue that frankly goes on inside a woman’s head constantly.
I think you bring up a very valid point, though… that what you are hungering for is actually connectedness in the midst of all that stress. You want closeness that re-affirms that you both are in it together. Have you said this to her?
If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to express to her again that your desire for sex isn’t just about sex. It’s about needing to feel close to the woman you married. Also, ask her what could help her feel more interested in sex… does she need to talk more about things that are concerning her so that she feels emotionally closer to you, does she need to be held more, does she need more foreplay, etc.
If expressing how you feel to your wife is difficult face-to-face or escalates, you may consider writing her a letter with the hope that it will generate dialogue later. Be sure to drench it in a tone that is compassionate and conveys how deeply you love her and that it’s not just about sex for sex sake.
Also, don’t be afraid to share how you are feeling… that you feel resentful, that you feel rejected, etc. Again, do it in a kind tone, but honest as well.
I also encourage you to encourage your wife to visit her doctor to share about her low sex drive and to see if there could be any medical conditions behind it (or side effects of medication, etc). I am not a doctor, but I always encourage couples to explore physical reasons as to why sex drive could be low.
Hope this is somewhat helpful. You are not alone in how you feel… I get many emails from husbands expressing many of the same experiences you have shared. My prayers are with you and your wife that you can get back to an intimacy that strengthens your relationship.
Thanks again for the comment. Feel free to comment again if you’d like…
julie
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I have to admit that I was interested reading your plug for the eBook until I saw the price tag — $27 for an eBook, something that has no overhead costs, is ridiculous, no matter the subject or author. I am an avid book reader and eBook reader, but if you want me to spend that much money on something then I want something tangible, something that I can loan to others, etc. I have nothing against authors offering their wares and expecting to receive payment for their efforts, but I do have issues with expecting the same payment for unlike products. Thanks for your time and for writing your articles.
Thanks Joe for the comment! I appreciate it! There are lots of theories out there about the pricing of eBooks. I can’t say I really know the best approach, because whether a book is released electronically or hard copy, a lot of effort still goes into it on the part of the author.
What I think will be fascinating is to see if hard copy books will even be produced a few years down the road. With the popularity of eReaders growing, I wonder if the day will come when all books will be electronic?!! Personally, I hope not. I love the feel of a book in my hands.
ANyway, thanks for your comment! Julie
Roberto, I have walked in your shoes brother.
There are no easy answers, and I have come to believe that extreme amounts of patience are required. I wish I had brilliant advice, but I don’t. But, you are not alone.
I’d suggest you start by talking to your wife. Talk again, and often, about just what sexual intimacy means to you, and how it means far more than just a physical release. Tell her you love her, often. Be patient.
I understand the pressures and stresses that come from kids. I might be walking in your shoes on that one too. I suspect that men and women are often wired differently in their reaction to those kinds of stresses. Stress prevents many women from being able to feel sexually intimate. For me, life’s stresses are soothed and pushed back a bit when my bride and I are sexually intimate.
Of course, look at yourself hard. Think really carefully about whether you are doing (or not doing) anything that is causing your wife stress or putting barriers between you. Be brutally honest with yourself, and get to work on anything that needs fixing.
Love your wife the best way you can. Communicate lovingly and honestly, and hang in there.
I know a lot of us wives feel like doing “it” is just another job that we would rather not do, at least when we are not in the mood. And from what I can tell from talking to my friends, we want to do “it” 2 or 3 times a month and the guys can do “it” every day. So most of the time when they want “it” we avoid it. So when I saw your title about how long does it take, it reminded of a friend’s wedding shower I went to before I got married. The married ladies at the shower each gave advice as a gift. One “gift” was “How to get it over with ASAP when you are not in the mood.” My friends and I have used it MANY times, and I don’t think we have heard any complaints from the guys (: It is great because you don’t even need 15 minutes, 5 will do. Just put baby oil or mineral oil on his penis and start stroking it with you hand; as soon as it gets fully erect you can start playing with his testicles and he will ejaculate in a flash. If you know you can get the job done in a flash you won’t mind doing the work a little more often.
Hi Sarah! Thanks for your comment! I agree that there are some great ways to still reach fabulous sexual satisfaction in situations where one spouse’s desire is a lot different than the other spouse. The idea you shared is a good one.
My only addition to your idea would to be sure that the motive of the heart is truly a generous one… I’ve heard from plenty of husbands who are discouraged if their wives have a tone of “just checking it off their list” or “getting it over with quickly.” It can be a real blow to a man’s self-worth if he feels like his wife rarely desires him.
Communication is key! I think the hand job is fabulous if both the husband and wife are open and willing and gracious… if the sexual experience is enhancing their intimacy, not detracting from it.
Thanks again! I love it when readers comment and offer ideas.
Sex takes an hour for us. Is there anything that can be done about that?
Hi Sadie… thank you for your comment.
You mention that sex takes an hour for you and your husband and I’m guessing you are wondering how to speed that up to get to the point of climax?
While I don’t know if I have one perfect answer, here are my insights…
The more you can relax and enjoy the journey as much as the destination, the better. Also, if you are able to get to the edge of climax, but struggle with completely climaxing, I really encourage you to communicate more about what feels good. Usually a wife will have more difficult a time climaxing than a husband, but not always. Either way, the more a husband and wife can really understand their own bodies and communicate what feels good, the more likely climax will happen.
My last insight would be spend more time on foreplay. Sometimes couples jump to the main act so quick that the wife in particular is not aroused enough. Really spend some time caressing, relaxing, kissing, oral pleasure, etc., enjoying each other’s touch and so forth before actual penetration.
Hope some of this is helpful! Don’t give up!! Keep nurturing your sexual intimacy… you may get to the point where you love it that making love (and all that goes with it) takes an hour or longer!
I understand it doesn’t always have to be a long drawn out thing but honestly, my hubby and I both tend to be just a little dissatisfied if I can’t go all the way…and there’s NO WAY I can in 15 minutes especially if there’s a time constraint. We’ve had several mornings lately where we wanted to have some fun before showering and taking off for work or whatever and if I feel a time constraint my brain and body refuse to work together. I NEED time for foreplay as well for the whole thing to even FEEL good (as in comfortable and not hurt). Soooo yes, some of us need more than 15 minutes. But I am not using time as an excuse to not have sex either, we are pretty much having it once a day. But I can imagine some women (mothers of lots of children etc) feeling overwhelmed that it takes a good hour to make the whole experience a positive one for herself as well as hubby. I’ve told mine that when we have children in the mix I will definitely want to schedule time in the evenings for him!
Sorry I know this is a very old article, but wanted to leave my two cents here. 🙂
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