5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex

Posted on Thursday, June 14th, 2012

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From another frustrated husband.

Whose wife has been denying him sex.

I get these regularly, so one would think I'm numb to them all.

But I'm not.  I'm grieved every time.

Because not long ago, in my first marriage, I was the wife doing the denying.

I was the wife who thought it was "no big deal" that we rarely had sex and I was the one who thought that "someday" we would get around to figuring out our struggles.

Well, "someday" showed up in the form of divorce papers and another woman.

If you are denying your husband sex, I humbly ask you to listen to me.  One wife to another.

I want to share with you 5 things you MUST know:

1. If you deny your husband sex, you are missing out on what God has in store for YOU sexually.

I could start  rambling endlessly about all that your husband is missing because of your sexual denial, but I want to first focus on you.

Here's the deal -- the Cliff's Notes version you might say -- sexual pleasure is God's idea for both a wife and a husband.  Orgasm, passion, foreplay, being turned-on, soul bonding -- all that physical, emotional and spiritual stuff -- those elements are all part of God's plan for sex.

And nowhere in His Word does He say he did all that just for husbands.  Nope.  His Word is clear that sex is a gift to both a husband and a wife.

God wants you both to experience all the benefits of sexual connection.

Orgasm feels good, and as I have often said, there is no other purpose of the clitoris except sexual pleasure in a woman.

Consistent and nurtured sexual intimacy endears you to one another, making it easier to extend each other grace. It has so much potential to be a place of tenderness, passion, fun and even stress relief!

I wish I would have known all of this in my first marriage.

2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God's heart.

Okay, I get that you and your husband have issues.  At least I'm guessing that's the reason behind all the non-existent sex.

Or possibly you are the one with big issues that you have been unwilling to address.  Those could be physical issues with hormones, depression or poor health.   They could be emotional issues, such as past betrayals, sadnesses, family of origin struggles, or sexual abuse from which you haven't sought healing.

Or maybe they are mis-information issues.  You were always told sex was "dirty" or "obligation" or "wrong."

Whatever the issues, whether they are within your marriage or within your own journey, if they are negatively impacting your sexual desire for your husband, stop pretending like they will resolve themselves.

Do something.

Pray and read God's Word about marriage and sex. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Go to counseling. Read a Christian marriage book.

Stop staying stuck in stagnant status quo.

I know that marriage is complex, and in some marriages, the struggles are deeply shattering.  I also know, though, that as long as you are married, you are in a place where God implores you to do what you can to nurture the relationship.

3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.

Oh it sounds so harsh to say it this way, but it tragically is true.  Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created.

And division is Satan's go-to tactic. (Divide husbands and wives. Divide families. Divide communities. Divide friends. You get the point.)

That being the case, why on earth would you give Satan any more opportunity to sabotage your marriage than he is already taking all on his own?

When you regularly deny sex to your husband -- or when you half-heartedly go through the motions sexually -- you are opening your marriage up to unfathomable attack.

You are making it easier for your husband to fall into temptation and sin with pornography and adultery.  You are watering the breeding ground of resentment and bitterness.

In no way am I removing a husband's accountability to obey God, remain faithful to his marriage vows and steer clear of sexual temptation.

I'm just saying that if a man is starving, he will be drawn to any food within his reach, even if it is food that is dreadfully bad for him.

You give your marriage a much better fighting chance if you stop leaving so many doors open to Satan.  Having and enjoying sex with your husband helps keep the doors from flying wide open.

4. If you deny your husband sex, you are setting a crappy example for your kids.

If you have kids, they are looking at you and your husband and constantly picking up insights about marriage.

This isn't about giving your kids the impression that marriage is always perfect, because let's face it, it's not. But I can only imagine that your heart's cry is to give them the truth, and the truth is that marriage is a sacred union that is worth tending to.

"But my kids don't even know what goes on with us sexually," you may say.

Sure, your kids are not privy to the details of your sexual intimacy, but I will bet my last dollar that they sense whether mom and dad genuinely care about each other.

They pay close attention to how you interact and how you show respect and affection.  They get things that we don't think they get.

If you intend on training children up in the way they shall go, then don't forget to live and breath what God says about marriage and sex.

5. If you deny your husband sex, you are hurting the man you love.

I don't know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry.   Yes, this is the guy who you entrusted with your heart and life.

When you deny sex to him, suggesting with your actions or words that he is an insensitive animal because he wants to make love to his wife, you are hurting him.

Why would you want to hurt the person you love?

If you are denying your husband sex, my heart goes out to you and him.  Your actions are robbing you both of something profound.

For more reading on this, check out my post What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me.

Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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182 Responses to
“5 Things You MUST Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex”

  • MamaB says: June 14th, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    I love your blog, Julie! I just have one pretty big quinkydink...I don;t know any other way to explain so here goes:
    I love sex. I don't always care if I climax or not, I want to do my best to please him. I think who he is and what he looks like and what a great father he is make him lovable, attractive and it all turns me on. I am more than happy to be his dirty fantasy girl, hot little love kitten and all that jazz...80% of the time. There is 20% of the time however when he thinks I am not interested, where he accuses me of denying him. When all I need is some romance. I am a woman after all. I raise kids and clean house 24/7. I have an infant, menstrual cycle and hormones that work against me and our "alone time". There just happens to be a week or so out of each month where sending me sexy pictures, or shakin' his "thang" at me, or even teasingly grabbing my breast is not sufficient foreplay for me to jump his bones. How do we get a guy to want to massage, caress and work up the mood a bit? I WANT THE SEX. I want to get down and dirty, hot and well you know....but I need help getting there, I'm not a racehorse waiting for the gate to be opened all the time, sometimes I am the deep well that needs priming.

  • Amen! says: June 14th, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Julie, you are so right, and I applaud you for speaking out on this important topic... but I am doubtful that any of the women you are speaking to are willing to own up to what they are doing.

    There are always "reasons" to choose not to be close to their husbands. No husband is perfect, we all make mistakes, and those become bulletproof justifications for freezing us out.

    And if we are on our best behavior, there are still extraneous things that happen (bad day, upset with her mother, kids were misbehaving, headache, exhausted) that we as husbands cannot overcome. Even if we are patient, those reasons to postpone can easily last longer than we can go without making a mistake.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to stop fighting for more loving marriages. You are wonderful, and you are trying to make the world a better place. I admire that so much. Unfortunately, women simply have a limitless list of reasons to excuse their choices. Some are legitimate and some are manufactured. But all of them deflect the need to fix the situation. :-(

  • JulieSibert says: June 14th, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Thank you "MamaB" and "Amen!" for the comments...

    MamaB... sounds like you and your husband have a healthy sex life which is so encouraging! As for helping him understand what a little more foreplay and compassion would do to get you in the mood, my only suggestion is communication. If he doesn't respond well to face-to-face talking, maybe try to have a "side-by-side" conversation where you talk while on a walk or while doing something else. ANother idea is a letter that lovingly helps him see what those other things mean to you... massages, helping out around the house, etc.

    "Amen!" -- I agree with you totally that some women have an endless list of excuses. You've actually given me an idea for another blog post that really starts to shine light on this aspect happening in too many marriages... a spouse who always has excuses for not having sex. I'm sorry to hear that things are not better sexually in your marriage. Thx for taking the time to stop by and comment on my blog...

  • Anonymous says: June 14th, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    I'm probably one of those women who "withholds" sex from my husband, but it is so much more complicated than simply me choosing not to have sex with him as frequently as he would like. And the various things that complicate it are heart-breaking both my husband and me...discouraging...disheartening..wearying... and don't ever go away. Probably will never go away. In fact, some of the "hindrances" will only hinder our sex life further in the years to come.

    I would love to see more articles that talk about how to maintain intimacy when sex isn't an option very often--or even at all--for couples. We are lucky to have sex 3-4 times a MONTH. And even then it's not passionate, not spontaneous, and often ends in disappointment and even tears for one or both of us.

    I suspect that as the current generation of bloggers ages and things like peri-menopause, menopause, erectile dysfunction, impotence, and physical limitations (due to aging or disease) become more common, we'll start seeing more blog posts that address these issues and how to maintain a healthy relationship despite it. (Because, heaven knows, plenty of Christian couples manage to remain chaste during their dating and engagement phases, so it IS possible to live without sex and still feel close to one another.)

  • JulieSibert says: June 14th, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Thank you Anonymous for your comment. I really appreciate you stopping by!

    In some regards it is a little confusing to me... you say you are probably one of the wives who withholds, yet at the same time you point out some very valid experiences that happen to couples... particularly with aging. Does your husband feel like you are withholding? Have you been able to have open conversations about changes in your intimacy? You say it often ends in disappointment and even tears... it sounds like one or both of you hungers to be able to talk more openly about what is happening so that you can encourage one another and not feel defeated sexually.

    I agree with you wholeheartedly that dynamics within marriage and with simply the passage of time do indeed affect intimacy... and I do think that there are circumstances when couples can't actually have intercourse or even bring each other to orgasm other ways... whether it be because of distance (like couples separated because of work or military deployment) or because of health reasons or disabilities.

    In the case of age-related factors or health reasons, a couple can certainly maintain close physical contact that is intimate. I think this would by all accounts be considered sexual intimacy in my book... meaning a husband and wife are nurturing their closeness even as they navigate things like erectile dysfunction, perimenopause and menopause, etc.

    Regardless, all of those things don't have to be roadblocks to intimacy...they can be opportunities to really talk about what is going on. And of course I wouldn't rule out talking to health care professionals about options to still maintain sexual intimacy even as you age. Unfortunately, too many couples simply wait for things to get better or they are too embarrassed to address the issues.

    Is it possible to live without sex and still feel close to one another? Well, yes... but I would add the caveat that it all is in how they define sex and whether the couple is in agreement about what intimacy looks like for them. If intimacy is regularly ending in tears or feeling disappointed, then there probably is room for more closeness and conversation and compassion.

    I don't think comparing a married couple to a dating or engaged couple really is an apples-to-apples comparison, but I hear what you are saying. It's just that sex is a part of marriage and it is not supposed to be a part of a couple's life before marriage. Again, I would add that what sex looks like changes for a married couple over the span of a marriage... but it still can be endearing and foster closeness.

    Anyway, thank you so much for stopping by... I am glad you did... you've given me some ideas for future blog posts. My heart always is to be sensitive to various situations.

  • Anonymous says: June 14th, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    I know that a lot of Christians don't have a problem with orgasm outside of sex (for the man), but I struggle with that. I'm not Catholic but do share some Catholic sentiments in that arena. And our "birth control" of choice is Fertility Awareness Method/Natural Family Planning, which results in periodic abstinence. It just ends up being more abstinence that my husband is happy with, and when we CAN safely have sex without the risk of getting pregnant, it's complicated by his neurological illness and ED. Even "orgasms outside of sex" for him are a lot of work for us both and not always successful, which leaves him sexually frustrated and me feeling like a failure.

    We have talked over and over again (probably at least once a month) over the years, and we're both on the same page: ED takes away the spontaneity, and it sucks when he loses his erection in the midst of sex or manual stimulation. As the wife, I try to work my magic and bring back the erection, but all of the fun and joy is gone for both of us at that point. We're just holding our breath and praying that "things work" long enough for an orgasm for him however we can make it happen.

    Unfortunately, with some neurological illnesses, there's not much that can be done (affordably, for those without insurance) to treat ED. :-(

    This is why I think it's important to help couples find ways to maintain intimacy that don't require or involve sex/orgasm.

    We're also raising three small children, so add in fatigue and interrupted "couple time," and even the 7-9 days a month that are "safe" for us to have sex are not always usable days.

  • Valerie says: June 14th, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    This is a great post! A must read for all wives, it makes you think about your own sex life even if you aren't withholding.

  • JulieSibert says: June 14th, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Thank you Valerie for the comment! I appreciate it!

    Anonymous... thank you for commenting again and adding more about what you are experiencing in your marriage. My heart does go out to you. My encouragement and prayer is that even these difficulties will be an opportunity for God to reveal Himself more and more and for you and your husband to continue to refine and strengthen your relationship.

    You definitely have circumstances that make nurtured intimacy challenging... I'm so sorry for that, especially the aspects that feel overwhelming.

  • Anonymous 6:41 says: June 14th, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    I would encourage you to try to learn more about different Natural Family Planning Methods if you think you only have 9 "safe" days per month. It should be more like 9 "not-safe" days. Even if you have a long menstrual period of 7 days, that leaves 14-15 days when you aren't menstruating...and some people do still have intercourse on light menstrual days.

    Julie...another issue, which I suspect is less common, but still is an issue...is when it is the husband who is holding back. So far in 2012 I think my husband and I have had sex 4 times (one of which resulted in me getting pregnant when we really didn't want to). We have recently learned that my hubby has extremely low testosterone, which if course is part of the problem and we can't afford hormone replacement therapy. This is a problem for me as the wife.

  • JulieSibert says: June 14th, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Thanks "Anonymous 6:41" for the additional insight... very helpful indeed.

    And definitely there are situations where it is the wife who desires more sex and the husband is not willing. I have blogged about this less common situation before (as have other bloggers I know). I tend, though, to lean toward addressing the more common scenario. Thx so much for sharing vulnerably about your own situation. You are right that low testosterone can be a factor (for men and women actually)... and the thing about low testosterone is it usually happens gradually over time, so a couple may not initially think to get tested.

  • anonymouse says: June 15th, 2012 at 3:18 am

    I write this with a heavy heart I am and have been married to my wife for 16 yrs in that time we have been thorugh our share of struggles and trials and some in our marriage I love my wife with all my heart I am struggling to write this as I dont want to be seen as talking about my wife in bad way and or sharing things that are private between us. But this blog hit a nerve with me and I feel should share. Unfortunately my wife has never I think in our marriage considered sex as a major inportance frequency is at times a cause of some quite heated discusions and or heated arguments I would be lucky to have in some form once every two weeks yes we have it and she says she enjoys it but it is not something she thinks about she always has her mind on all the other things that has to be done with running a family and kids. I am always the one who instigates the intimacy at the moment she is suffering from constant pain due to a health condition, so intimacy is the last thing on her mind it is something I am struggling with in that I want to be supportive to my wife who is in constant pain and not hassle her about wanting to have sex with her yet my needs are not being met as a husband. I have many a time tried to talk to her about the lack of but I think she seems to think of it as not a big Problem
    Thank you Julie for such a great blog and website
    sex and christians is such a usually tabo subject you talk and handle it with great class and sensitivity
    great work

  • Greg says: June 15th, 2012 at 7:37 am

    @Anonymous 6:41 - FWIW, there are inexpensive herbal supplements that might be helpful in restoring some of your husband's testosterone levels; one of which is DHEA (a precursor to both estrogen and testosterone). But it does come with a number of warnings, so it would be good to talk to your doctor about it first.

    Also, if your husband can increase how much exercise he gets, that is also very helpful in raising testosterone levels.

  • Robert says: June 15th, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    This is a subject where I have some (painful) personal experience.

    A large part of our problem was, I think, my bride's battle with perimenopause. This transition can be brutal. For her (well actually for us) things got much better once her Dr. sorted out some hormonal issues. A lot better.

    For me, it was the rejection that was the most painful. To be rejected by the woman I love most in the whole world. To have my sexual requests/advances rejected out of hand. Painful.

    The other extremely painful part of that long episode in our lives - the lack of affection. My bride would shy away from me if I tried to hug her or kiss her. That hurt. A lot.

    It is not exactly the lack of intercourse that is the problem, although intercourse is important. It is the lack of attention to affection, the message that rejection sends. Ultimately, the lack of affection in a marriage eats away at the fabric of the marriage.

    To those faced with this kind of problem, I pray that you will work on this part of your marriage. Ignoring the problem is destructive.

  • Kurmudge says: June 15th, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    It is an immutable law of humanity: we find the time and energy to do the things that are important to us. If you are too tired or busy for frequent sex with your spouse- it takes no more than 60 to 90 minutes a week to have a sex life that any sexual being would find sufficient and fulfilling- it is because you don't really believe it is important.

    Adults find time to do their chores; and their approach to them is a function of maturity. You don't skip dishes, kid care, and laundry (or car repair, snow shoveling, etc.) because it is too tiring or too much work. And your consciously adopted attitude is what makes it a pain in the neck or just something that is important to life. Id married sex a chore? No- but if you find it to be, tackle it like an important one.

    And you can "have sex" in a lot of different ways for those times that you are really "just not there" for traditional coitus. Of course, that applies only if you think that your promises and duties toward your spouse are meaningful.

  • Stephanie says: June 15th, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Another awesomely insightful post.

  • Doris says: June 16th, 2012 at 4:29 am

    As Kurmudge said: if you deem it important then you go for it, even if you're no big fan of sex. But, as Julie repeatedly points out, sex is not a chore -- on the contrary: sex is a painkiller and a stress reliever of much higher effect than all the pills on the market.

    We raised four kids and had to cross low valleys and hard times together in life -- all these strengthened our love and intimacy. The hardships brought us closer and not apart. Do you know what's the greatest chore in a married couple's life? Raising the kids!, educating and preparing them to think with their own heads, to swim throughout the ocean of public lies without drowning for common chimeras. It is not just about physical feeding/growing the kids, but also about building their spirit the way our Lord wants to -- because, after all, He gave us our kids and we have to answer to Him about how we prepared them for adult life.

    Couple this crucial responsibility [to God] with the numerous immediate ones [to society] and you realize the stakes are high, maybe too high, for you and your spouse. But what you can't fathom is what Jesus gives you in the morrow so that you can make it -- because He never fails us.

    Now, how on earth can we beat all this stress out of our minds and bodies? Stress induces cortisol and high levels of cortisol make your body burn out -- yes, that's the name of the disease!

    In order to relax, you beat cortisol out with a flux of pleasure-hormones. Some come from chocolate but eating too much [of any food] would eventually ruin your metabolism -- to such a degree that you'll have much greater issues than cortisol high levels.

    The CLEAN and HEALTHY production of pleasure-hormones is a process we commonly call SEX! Sure, promiscuous sex brings in your body a host of parasites that will kill you young, plus it will ravage your mind and soul down to tragic levels. But sex in marriage is [to cite Julie again] what God has planned for us to get fixed and live happily for another day. From this perspective, when you live with your loved one, when you're married to the father of your children, then it's crazy NOT having all the sex you can get together.

    And yes, not all sex goes in missionary position. Hubby needs sex almost every day [actually we have more sex now when we're "old" than when we were young and busy] and my needs would fit a two-three times a week. But that's not an issue for us because I don't mind giving him oral sex and, when I'm too tired even for that, he is happy to take the business into his own hands.

    Here's a new thing that happened to our sex life, starting this April. Some of our kids drove me on the brink of burn out -- yes, even with two or three washing orgasms a week, your health can be knocked out by the stunts of your kids! Because of our intensive supplementing and balanced nutrition, the docs didn't find any physiological cause and they diagnosed what I deemed a heart attack to be just a "panic attack." Sending me to a psychiatrist. But when reading their papers, hubby said that going there will make things only worse, for me and for us, given that docs would pour synthetic pills in my body. And when he decides against something, then he also comes with a solution. His take is to make me the Domina in the bedroom, to empower me, to make me feel that I'm in control. This already made me way more confident and masterful in dealing with kids-generated stress [by day], plus it fulfills one of his fantasies [by night]. So yet another win-win situation.

    All you need to do is treat sex from an intellectual perspective, to consider that sex starts when you communicate with your spouse. Yes, in some particular cases, it can end there -- like chaste couples would "talk" sex instead of "doing" it.

    And if you thank God for the hardships of life, why not thanking Him for the wonderful gifts? Because sex in marriage is an outstanding gift to us.

  • Jody says: June 16th, 2012 at 6:37 am

    But what about when it's the husband denying the wife! I NEVER see anything about that! It goes both ways!

  • Dr. Vicki Tyleer-Waters says: June 16th, 2012 at 8:36 am

    I totally understand. My husband had to go through the same thing until God delivered me, healed me, and is continuing to make me whole. The bible states, " what the devil meant for harm God will turn in to good(paraphrased). As a result of the devil trying to destroy my marriage in the area of intimacy, God has now turned things around. My husband and I are enjoying the best intimacy ever and we have been married for 27 years(and we are believing God for it to get better and better). God has given us a H.E.A.L.T.H and W.E.A.L.T.H Ministry to inspire, encourage, and equip Husbands and Wives to enjoy and love each other. I know what is like to have no desire to be with my husband, to promise to be with him and then deliberately pick a fight so that I did not have to "do" what I promised I would do. Because of a bad experience when I was nine years old, God had to heal me and give me understanding about what true intimacy is first with him and then with my husband..........

  • JulieSibert says: June 16th, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Jody... I am so sorry about your situation and I assure you that there are other wives who desire more sex than their husbands.

    The reason my site and many others don't address this as often is because it is the exception not the rule, and we tend to write for the masses. For every one comment/email I receive from a wife who has a higher sex drive than her husband, I probably receive 20-40 comments/emails from men who feel they are being sexually refused.

    That being said, I in no way want to minimize your pain. It is real and heartbreaking. Even though it is not as common, I and other bloggers have addressed the issue.

    Below are some links you may want to glean from. Also, you have inspired me to begin work on a resource page on my site that will specifically focus on resources for wives who want more sex and aren't getting it.

    http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2010/10/04/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/

    http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2011/08/09/wives-who-are-sexually-refused/

    http://hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com/2012/04/he-doesnt-wanna-but-i-do-help-for.html

    http://hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com/2012/04/he-doesnt-wanna-but-i-do-be-brownie.html

    http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/i-cant-remember-last-time-my-husband-touched-me.html

    http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/08/i-cant-remember-last-time-my-husband_13.html

    http://site.themarriagebed.com/problems/desire/how-to-get-him-to-want-sex

    There also is a book called "The Sex-Starved Wife" by Michelle Weiner Davis. I haven't gotten all the way through it, but you may find some helpful information in it.

    Again, I am so sorry for your pain.

  • Saturday Round Up « mission:wife says: June 16th, 2012 at 9:44 am

    [...] Intimacy in Marriage – this is a post that most women should read. It’s titled “5 things you must know if you are denying your husband sex.” “I’m not denying my husband sex,” you say. I say, “read it anyway!” It’ll remind you why you don’t want to deny your husband and how as a wife you have a big opportunity to help your marriage. [...]

  • Your Excuses for "No Sex"? | Intimacy in Marriage says: June 16th, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    [...] Recently, a reader commented on my post 5 Things You Must Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex. [...]

  • B says: June 16th, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Goes both ways. My ex husband constantly refused me, for up to a year at a time. Guess what....we're divorced.

  • JulieSibert says: June 16th, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    I agree with you totally B. And all 5 things I would say to any husband who is denying his wife sex... all 5 apply either way.

    No matter how any spouse who is doing the denying tries to spin it, the truth is that sex does matter in a marriage, and when it is neglected, the fall out can be tragic.

    Thanks for taking the time to comment...

  • Justin says: June 16th, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    In the 17 years we've been married, I'd say we average having sex perhaps 2x or 3x a year—on a good year. There have been several years where we never had sex. My wife has made it clear to me that she is NOT attracted to me in "that way" . . . As a result, I've gained weight which makes the "act" of sex more difficult which, in turn, adds another reason why she pushes me away. Furthermore, she'll tell me we'd be able to enjoy sex more if I'd lose weight (she says this during the rare moment when we're having sex). Let's set aside the fact that we BOTH have gained probably 50 pounds since we were married. But somehow I'm the problem. I've been working out for the last 18 months trying to get fit, but it sure would be nice to be loved unconditionally by her just as I try to love her and cherish her without strings.

    I'd like to send her a link to this article, but I know it wouldn't be well received. Since divorce isn't an option (although I think about that far too often) because of our kids at home and primarily b/c God is opposed to it, I'm left with no hope. More than anything, I'd appreciate your prayers for a breakthrough. Only the hand of the Lord can make me "attractive" to my bride so that perhaps one day we'll enjoy the oneness and intimacy that we were designed for. Thanks.

  • John says: June 17th, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    "We are lucky to have sex 3-4 times a MONTH."

    I wish I had your luck!

  • Very Happy Man Now says: June 18th, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Men, listen up (and women too)

    First of all, you need to make sure you are working on being a man your wife wants to love (and if not her, some other woman would if you were in the market which you're not). Women want to be pursued but not chased. Don't be too soft as that is offputting. Be manly, but be balanced. Be an alpha male with plenty of gentlemanly qualities to back it all up.

    Second of all, women who can't seem to figure out why they don't want sex may have some legitimate reasons, but the main one to cross off the list is TESTOSTERONE LEVELS. Get checked out ASAP by a practitioner in the field. Don't mess with OTC supplements, online offers for hyped-up crud, or even Rx creams. If a woman's T-level is well below 100 or so, there is a pellet that can be inserted in the muscle tissue during an office visit. It hurts, it heals, and it can take about a month or more for T-levels to rise. And she can't forget to take it or apply it: It's there. This can be dependent on other factors: It is not a silver bullet, so see a hormone specialist about this option.

    If these two factors are addressed, then I suspect things can change, especially through communication and collaboration. All the testosterone in the world won't make a woman more attracted to a man she's got issues with. And you may think you're one of the best catches in the world and can't figure out why she doesn't dig you and it may be largely a hormonal reason.

    Do not underestimate either. For me, my wife and I had sex less than once a month over the past few years. I worked on me and saw little change in the bedroom. She found out last fall about her low T and got the pellet and...

    DAY AND NIGHT DIFFERENCE! And not just in sex, but in real godly intimacy. If I weren't a Christian I'd say I don't believe it but God is good (and he came up with testosterone, right?). Frequency is irrelevant, but lets just say after that first month of 'waiting' we pretty much out-did our first month of marriage, let alone the previous 5 years combined. Not because "she got repaired and fixed" but because we both cared enough about God's plan for marriage, including sex and especially intimacy, the work on this together.

    No links here, I'm not selling. Just sharing.

    @Justin and John:
    It's not about luck. I feel for you (as I noted above - less than once a month for me, but that's in the past). Your wife is not attracted to your weight: Are you? Do you love it more than sex? It's hard to lose it, but lose it. Now. A few suggestions:

    1. Drink water, nothing else (except maybe chocolate-based milks around your workout).
    2. Take 1 or 2 30 minute walks per day (don't linger, but don't jog either unless you want to. Heart rate matters more than speed). ALSO: Got a desk job? Get a stand-up desk (your employer may provide that if you ask).
    3. Stop snacking, and eat smaller portions at meals. Use gum instead or brush your teeth (this tells your brain you're done eating for a while and it tells the rest of the body the bad news). Eat a good breakfast: That sets your metabolism on fire if you're not eating junk - or skipping breakfast altogether.
    4. Sleep is just as important to weight loss as diet and exercise: Get at least seven hours and be consistent (and not more than 8 - get up and live!).
    5. As you lose weight, buy some sharp clothes from time to time (formal and casual). Don't break the budget, but get someone other than your wife to help you pick out nice outfits that you'll only wear on dates with her.
    6. As you become more attractive, your wife will notice and that will incentivize her to do the same. As she does, support and appreciate her efforts. If she doesn't, be a testimony to how good you feel and encourage her to consider the simple efforts you've taken to get there.
    7. Read books on Julie's list about marriage or get audio books if you're into that instead. If you read secular books (which I don't recommend) then get a brother for accountability. There is a lot of garbage to sift through.

    I could go on, but I'm tired of reading about "luck." Choose, don't excuse: Take control of what you can control (Gal. 5:22-23). Sex is in the head, yes, but not ONLY there. It's also a physical celebration of intimacy that God designed. And I can honestly tell you all, my wife and I have been having a wonderful celebration of intimacy and marriage over the past few months. It takes effort, but IT IS SO WORTH IT because she is so worth it! I love her, so what am I supposed to do? Stoke her inner passions by watching SyFy and ESPN or working 10-12 hour days?

  • LTB says: June 21st, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    My brothers and sisters in Christ -

    My heart breaks for each of you - being refused hurts on so many levels. But there is hope! Jjoin the forums on http://www.themarriagebed.com; signup and subscribe to the married sexuality forums. There are forums specifically for those who are refused, for those who chose to refuse, and dozens of other topics. There are hundreds of users giving good, Christian based advice. It has helped our marriage in so many ways!

  • michelle whisker says: June 23rd, 2012 at 12:08 am

    Can you give me some bible verses to read about how sex is for the both of us...thank you

  • JulieSibert says: June 23rd, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    michelle...

    the most significant verse is 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. Also check out the entire book of Song of Songs in the Old Testament. The book is very allegorical and metaphorical, so if you are not familiar with the book, I would encourage you to read it in a study Bible or with a commentary on the book so that you can see the meanings behind the images. It is full of descriptions of marital sexual intimacy from the perspectives of both the husband and the wife.

    Hope this is helpful...

    julie

    Julie

  • Jane says: June 25th, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    I am in the opposite situation. I havent had sex in almost 5 years, since the birth of our only child. Before that, it was 5 years of marriage where I honestly thought I couldnt stand it anymore. The first 6 months were ok, and we were virgins, so we didnt really know what we were doing, but we were enjoying getting to know one another. I was discovering a part of me, a fun and playful and naughty side that I was very curious about. One time we went on a holiday and i was the one initiating and suggesting sex in unusual places, and now, looking back, i think i was more ready to experiment than my husband was. There was a moment in our first year where i think i put him off or shocked him and we never bounced back. At least, thats what i think it is. I have been racking my brain and heart and memory all these years trying to work out what i did that was so wrong or what i could have done differently...But in the end it adds up to the same thing- a sexless marriage. For ten years. before we got married we didnt think we were gonna be able to hold on until the wedding night, and then the unthinkable happens...far from me being the one who denies him...its been me, all this time, asking for us to see a counsellor, a therapist, have prayer, meet with pastors...and to his credit, he has gone along, but has never put into action any of the advice he was given. My childhood background was filled with abuse of every kind so i knew i was going to have to work at the sex in our marriage...I NEVER thought the work i would need to do was TRYING to get my husband to touch me! You are so right about the enemy having a field day with marriages where sex is denied. by either partner. Ive struggled for years with thoughts of other men... any that would pay me any attention. Ive been starving for affection and connection and while ive never done anything, and i never will, the only loving i get ive had to give myself. this flies in the face of everything i believe and ive sought Gods help and He has helped me. However, its a struggle i dont want to have, and i believe i shouldnt have to work so hard at suppressing what is actually natural desire for my husband. if you had told me 10 years ago when i was making my vows that i wouldnt even want to look in the mirror anymore, that i would not know how to be a strong and confident role model for my daughter and that i would be tormented with fears of my husband leaving me, or fantasising about other women or worse, actually having an affair. That i would beplagued by suspicion and fear and that i would also secretly walk in shame and at my secret, that no one wants me, and that my wedding photos would make me cry one day...
    Do you have any advice for someone in my sistuation???

  • Alicia says: June 27th, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Julie, I am new to your blog as of 5ish minutes ago...I am married 4 times...I was told it was dirty and only a duty...with that I wanted to do anything to please a man...I have in the past put on the sexiest little nothing and laid in bed hoping it would stir the monent...but that is the past...I have been married 10 years this time...he does not have a romantic bone in his body...there is only one way he will do it because of the Bible...and I love to climax but have not been able to do to orgasmic headachs and let me tell you they hurt so so bad you stop in your tracks...I have even tried to do it on my own and still get the headachs...it has been a year if not more from the last time we came together...I do have other health issues but have always loved making love...some of my problem is that after we married I found out 2 years into the marriage he went to the Phillipens looking for a woman...we all know that most of the women from there are subserviant...and I am not...he does not like fathers day cards or anything of the sort because he is a step-dad and feels it is not nessary...which hurts me, we came as a package even tho the two boys were grown...Help!!!!!!
    Alicia

  • celine says: June 28th, 2012 at 1:53 am

    My story is a confusing one, first it was my husband who denied me sex, not only denying but sending me out of bed, the reason being he had found another lover with whom he has a child now. He constantly abused my private parts with ugly descriptions that indicate it wasn't useful to him, not good at all, not enjoyable etc....Due to that and many ugly scenes in our marriage, i lost interest (naturally) and started fearing him.

    I was hurt in the true sense of the word, and during that time, I kept wondering why after 12 years of marriage my husband discovers how bad (my private parts) i was? Wont he start comparing me with his current lover?. I had many an unanswered question rotating in my mind.
    Any how i was locked up in my thoughts and for him, he wants showing any interest at all.

    After two years, he woke up to start demanding for sex in a very harsh way, i found that unacceptable, especially to a heart that is broken, i thought he needed to have performed better than that. He now accuses me of denying him sex and yet it all began with him!!!!. His approach is bad, he is still living half way with the other woman, honestly, where can a person get strength to do this? Given all his activities, I really believe he is taking me for granted and i keep hurting!
    Which way now?

  • JulieSibert says: June 28th, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Hello Jane... sorry it took me awhile to respond. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably.

    Is your husband willing at all to go to counseling? Refusal to have sex can be for a number of different reasons, and sometimes getting to the heart of those requires a willingness to open up -- which can be facilitated by a counselor. Your husband's lack of interest may also be due to medical reasons (such as low testosterone), so it would be worth going to a medical doctor for a full check up.

    If your husband refuses the counseling route and holds to his ground of simply ignoring this challenge in your relationship, then I highly encourage you to go to counseling on your own -- not only to find ways to navigate, but also to show him that you are highly committed to improving what has become a huge source of division in your marriage.

    You may also try to write your husband a letter... not as a way to avoid face-to-face conversation, but sometimes sharing your feelings and concerns firmly, yet lovingly, in a letter can give him time to process... and to see that this is not a light issue for you. The goal of the letter of course (and you would want to express this) is that it is a starting point to move toward more conversation, more solutions, and more transparency between the two of you as to what is going on and what you can do together to grow closer sexually and in the relationship in general.

    I hope some of this is helpful. Keep praying and seeking solution. You may also want to look into the book "Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage" by Michael Misja and Chuck Misja, who are Christian psychologists.

    Julie

  • JulieSibert says: June 28th, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Celine... your husband is committing adultery and being abusive. If I were you, I would seek elders in your church to go with you to confront him with this to see if he will be repentant and begin to honor his marriage.

    At the minimum, I encourage you to seek counseling to find support and insight on how to navigate.

    I am so sorry you are in such a painful and harsh situation... this is not God's plan and your husband is clearly walking in sin.

  • Happier Wife says: July 9th, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    I just want to say THANK YOU! for your website and your openness about sex within a Christian context.

    Though there are many points in this article that I relate to, the single most important point (to me) is one I think many people overlook.

    I was one of those who was raised in a home where sex was dirty and embarassing and was only for procreation. That had a long-lasting effect on my marriage and because of that I appreciate women like you who tell of the true gift it is when enjoyed as God intended it.

    It was probably six years into my marriage before I finally realized that it was OKAY to enjoy sex with my husband! I remember being absolutely shocked and embarassed when some of my Christian girlfriends dared to talk openly about having sex with their husbands. I honestly didn't realize there was this whole other world.

    And now, boy do I ENJOY having sex with my husband!!! ;) And I LOVE that I can feel "naughty" without all the guilt.

    I tell you all this just to express how grateful I am for people like you and this blog that are honest about the beauty of sex within the right context. I hope many women (and their husbands) are helped by your blog.

  • SandyAnnDee says: July 18th, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    "Very Happy Man Now," those are all excellent suggestions.

    One thing that I don't think that I see here is a concern for thyroid issues. People with thyroid issues can often lose interest in sex. Luckily that was one of the few symptoms that I did NOT have when I was DX'd with hypothyroidism, so it never occurred to me that my husband's, ahem, diminished interest had anything to do with his TSH level. We recently found out that his thyroid issues are far worse than mine. I'm hoping that getting his TSH level corrected will have an impact on his drive! I've been the initiator for the majority of our marriage, but after reading the comments here, I see that I'm blessed. Our sex life may not be as active as I'd like, but at least it is active!

  • jd says: July 28th, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    But what is a wife to do when her husband denies her sex? he claims that he is stressed out due to his job and we are struggling a bit financially. But I have tried everything to spice things up. I have been patient with him but I am getting frustrated. There is no passion left in our marriage. Don't these 5 things apply to husbands too???

  • JulieSibert says: July 30th, 2012 at 8:57 am

    @jd... yes, these five things apply to husbands too. Sexual intimacy in a marriage will not take care of itself. I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. Have you tried to talk specifically about the struggles? Sometimes a letter can be a good way to raise awareness... written in a tone of love, of course, but clearly communicating that sex is a vital part of the marriage and that you long for the two of you to really nurture it.

  • David J. says: September 22nd, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    God bless you. Keep saying it.

  • barely holding on says: October 5th, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    Very informative article. Unfortunately my wife doesn't subscribe to your way of thinking. We haven't had sex for months because she says we aren't connected anymore. We have spent 14 yrs. raising our family and pursuing various personal accomplishments, school and in our careers. Now she feels withholding sex will bring us closer. It's having the opposite effect. Besides being constantly upset, I find myself withdrawing emotionally and struggling to remain close to someone who has intentionally pulled away from me. She says she cannot put a time table on when or if we will have sex again. She says she loves me, and denies any affairs.

    I feel the gap widening not closing.

  • Ryan says: October 7th, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Oh man if ONLY my wife could see this article. But of course If I am the one to bring it to her attention, she will automatically dismiss it as just another link I send her to get more sex.

    Sex in my marriage is infrequent at best, and most if the time it feels like she's just going through the motions. Part of me longs to go back to being just boyfriend and girlfriend, to being unmarried. Because even though I abstained form sexual intercourse, there was so much passion at that time.

    After abstaining from full fledged premarital sex with my first wife, who left me for an Exboyfriend, and with my second wife, who seems to just put up with sex on occasion, there is nothing that I as a Christian male regret more than abstaining from sexual intercourse before marriage.

    Abstaining was the right thing to do, but there is no pay off. Quite the opposite. I never had the wild passionate nights that both of my wives, and most other people had. And I am left with complete emptiness and loneliness. You really have no idea!

    Abstaining was not worth it, and it has me seriously doubting that the other things I do for God will be worth it either. Yeah, sure there will be some reward, but some investments have just a small return on them.

    Being abstinent, and being faithful to my wife have been extremely agonizing. And the pat on the back, or the "Attaboy", that God will give me as a result just seem like such a slap in the face.

    "How long oh Lord, HOW LONG !!!" Ok I'm done whining.

  • Bu says: October 29th, 2012 at 7:22 am

    I've never had sex with my husband but we love each other so much. It's just out of my own belief that sex has nothing to do with love and he later shares the same view with me too. Before meeting me, he'd want to sleep with many women and used ponorgraphy but after meeting me, he has done nothing like that. He said all he dreamt about is me, to hug and kiss me forever . I know my individual example can't discredit what you wrote here but allI want to say is to open your mind to see new posibilities. My husband and I can finish each other' sentences and know how one feels because we connect through body and soul. It might sound funny to you when I use "body" but it's true, we embrace each other in love and we don't care what others really think. We haven't invited any demons in our house either if you wonder. We pray and meditate together. We share our love and life with purpose and goals. We will build more orphanages to have all the homeless children in the world. Our love is not just for us. It will hopefully warm up all the other unfortunate souls whom can't find the love we have for one another.

  • JulieSibert says: October 29th, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Bu... interesting perspective. I'm curious if there are other parts of the Bible you choose to ignore as well. My point is that if God tells married people to have sex, I think His wisdom is worth listening to. I don't doubt you and your husband love each other, but I'm not sure if your marriage is all God envisions it to be.

    I appreciate you stopping by and commenting though. Thank you!

  • EB says: November 9th, 2012 at 10:07 am

    My wife and I have not had sex since June 2012. For the last two or three years we probably had sex two or three times each YEAR. Pretty much since we got back from our honeymoon in late 2001, I have had to beg for sex. About three or four months into our marriage, she suggested that she should just leave. we are still together, but our marriage is quite strained. I read Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" a few years ago which was great but also painful because I could relate with the husbands mentioned in it. When I left the book out as a hint for her read it, she threatened to divorce me.

    We have had some financial difficulties in the last few years which were primarily my fault, but I have gotten a grip on them now. even so, I cannot believe that that issue alone is the problem. I do not know why it has been a struggle since almost day one.

    I will never leave her. I made a vow to God and to her in church, and I will not break that vow. However, I am at my wits' end. I do not know how else to convince her that sexual intimacy is such a great need for me and for our marriage and that it is NOT just a physical need but an emotional, relational/martial, and spiritual one.

  • u r right says: November 10th, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Ok maybe there is no God Satan or one u love but how do u deal with the kids now that they all going to be over 18 and have seen u not saying hello for the past 5 years not sleeping in the same room not eating together.

  • Grace says: November 17th, 2012 at 6:13 am

    I need help, I discovered that my husband has been cheating on me with another woman in whom he fathered a child in front of my eyes and denied it for almost six years. In those years I was yearning for my husband but he was always having reasons why we couldn't be intimate. I was hurt emotionally (sexually). After this discovery, I struggled having intimacy but as a Christian woman I continued to try. I had so much pain, bad feeling and thoughts when being intimate with. The original beautiful and pleasant feeling of intimacy turned into an awful bad and painful experience. Up to now I am still struggling to have intimacy. I regularly made bad discoveries even after the exposure become even more scarier. I lost trust in him and l have't have intimacy the last ten months. Please advise me and pray with me. I am a pastor as well as him . He is currently not leading any church due to the aforementioned. I want to obey God and am struggling in this area. I am afraid of intimacy.

  • Anonymous says: November 17th, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    "I don’t know your back story, but unless you are in an arranged marriage, the man who is your husband is someone you loved enough to actually marry."

    I don't mean to offend, but that statement is very ignorant. I agree that withholding sex is wrong, but making such an offensive statement towards arranged marriages shows your lack of knowledge in regards to other cultures.

  • JulieSibert says: November 17th, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Thank you Anonymous for the comment. Appreciate you stopping by! No offense taken. I certainly wasn't trying to make a negative comment about arranged marriages.

    I was simply pointing out that people who are not in arranged marriages typically fall in love first and then marry. So the premise that they love each other is there on the front end... and why would they want to hurt someone they love?

    Anyway, motive of my heart was in the right place.

    Thanks again for the comment!

  • JulieSibert says: November 23rd, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    @Grace... I apologize it has taken me awhile to respond.

    Your husband's adultery certainly has taken a toll on your marriage. I encourage you to seek the help of a counselor... even if your husband won't go, then possibly go on your own to gain the insights of a third person and to seek your own healing. If you have any reason to believe your husband is still having sex with other women, you have a right to protect yourself and to set boundaries sexually.

    At any rate, if you and your husband are both committed to healing the marriage and rebuilding trust, then I encourage you to understand that this isn't just about sex... yes, sexual intimacy can be healed between the two of you, but certainly the healing and reconciliation and hard work of strengthening the marriage needs to extend into all areas... communication, how you do life together, accountability, etc.

    Continue too to seek the support of wise Christians around you. You need female Christian confidantes who will pray with you, offer you insights, pray for your marriage, etc. Your husband needs wise male Christians around him who he can be real with and pray with, etc.

    I hope some of this is helpful. I'm so sorry for what you are going through...

    Again, I am sorry it took me awhile to respond... In Christ, julie

  • Dan says: November 24th, 2012 at 8:53 am

    My wife and I have been married for 25 years. I am 54 and she is 44 and i was previously married before without children from that marriage. I got remarried to my "now" wife because I loved her and because we both were Christians. Once we got married, I got the feeling that something wasn't right... we had or tried to have sex the night of our honeymoon but from that time on we seemingly didn't "connect" for whatever reason. I began to notice that my wife wasn't really an "expressive communicative" person and it became un-nerving to me but when I would ask her if anything was the matter or if she was thinking of something, she would just reply "no".

    As time went by, we decided to try to have children and when it came to the act of intimacy, for my wife anyway, it was so robotic in nature that I was the one who felt we just preformed a "job task" and I told her as much but got no real response. I just felt like I was a means to an end for her to have children.

    As time went by, whenever I would try and approach her to engage in husband/wife relations, almost always she would make me feel like I had to "jump through hoops" and then "maybe" give in but even then I never felt that she was really "engaged" in love making. It got so bad and made me fell so humilitated that I final decided to stop trying with her due to my frustration. I would ask her repeatedly if anything was wrong but she would just kind'a pass it off as her being tired raising our kids, which I figured could be real but as time passed I knew that she couldn't be that tired by never approaching me to ever intial sex. I started to become very frustrated with her and her lack of communication concerning this and almost everything in our lives to the oint that I just decided that if she didn't want to show me she loved me than I would just "emotionally divorce her and try to "ride this thing out".

    Two years ago, I just couldn't take that our
    marriage" was seemingly so sad and lacking in any kind of intimacy (communicative, emotional, sexual, spiritual) that I final let out my frustrations to her and told her that I wasn't going to continue to "walk down this road of relationship death any more" and that she had better figure out what was going on either with her and/or us or things were going to change. During this point, she still couldn't express her thoughts or feelings to me except to become mad and frustrated and cry.

    we went to our pastor and discussed the situation (or in reality, I was the one eho did most of the discussing since my wife wouldn't utter more than a handful of words to make up a couple of phrases) then we were directed to a marriage counselor but over the weeks the same thing happened were my wife wouldn't openly discuss her/our issues. Our kids our pretty much out of the house and I knew this point in time would come when reality would stare us in the face since we never experienced "oneness or real intimacy as god ordained.

    On a side note, my wife is an only child and she has such a extreme close bond to her mother that I have never felt she separarted from her when we did get married and I never had felt I was second (God is to be first) in her life. Her mother got word she has cancer when I decided to "let the cat outta the bag" and voice my displeasure with our marriage and now that has clouded our issues where she still is more focused on her mother.

    Didn't mean to go so long with my rant but as you can tell, I am very frustarted because I just wanted to try to have as "normal" of a marriage as possible but never thought something like this could've happened. She just doesn't open up about her feelings or desires and doesn't express love in a physical way to me. I am expressive and would love physical intimacy and feel I've been ripped off all these years... I'm about to contemplate separation or divorce if things don't get fixed fast. I'm just so depressed and frustrated. Soory again about the length of my rant!

  • Anonymous says: November 25th, 2012 at 1:25 am

    We have been married for a year and 7 months. Since July my husband has left the house 4 times. I know we have issues we need to resolve, but I never felt the issues warranted him leaving. So now we are officially separated since mid October. I believe we both would like to eventually reconcile, but there is still a lot of tension.
    He has quoted 1Corinthians 7:1-5 (this is actually the only time he has quoted the bible) and is telling me I need to give him sex even if we are seperated. Is there any truth to that?
    He has been going out to bars and drinking since July. That's how he has been handling what's been going on. It's not every weekend, but its been enough times. I'm personally not comfortable with the idea of us being seperated and having sex. He says it will help him think more clearly. I believe there are deeper rooted issues that need to be delt with and us not having sex while we are seperated isn't it.
    I feel though that he is warning me, that if I don't give him sex, he will cheat cause the bible says he will be tempted.
    Any insight in his situation will help. Thank ou!

  • JulieSibert says: November 25th, 2012 at 9:13 am

    @Anonymous... thank you for the comment. I am not a counselor, but it definitely seems that you and your husband do have various issues to work on if the marriage is to not only survive, but be healthy and strong.

    I highly encourage you to seek marriage counseling. Marriage requires a tremendous amount of maturity, but in the same regard, can be such a place of fun and encouragement. I don't think the discord in your marriage is just about sex, and I think a counselor can help uncover the issues and offer suggestions on how to get on some firm footing going forward.

    Also, I encourage you to seek support from safe female Christian confidantes... women who will pray with you, pray for your marriage, listen, not bash your husband, etc. Ideally it would be good if your husband had male Christian confidantes doing the same for him.

    My heart goes out to you...

    julie

  • Anonymous says: November 25th, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    Thanks Julie! We did counseling, my husband isn't a fan. I do have a great support system of Christian friends who are praying and being encouraging. My husband unfortunately doesn't he keeps everything in and doesn't like talking to people, I do believe in time that will change though. I have faith that God will see us through and that this will be a testimony of His faithfulness.

    I was just curious if there was any basis on what he was saying that I have to have sex with him even though we are seperated.
    Thanks anyway! :-) ..... Great blog!

  • Johnson says: November 26th, 2012 at 6:12 am

    Julie,

    I just found your blog and sad to say its when I was denied sex by my wife for the last year. I have been doing all I can to get her to say yes but she happily denies me every night after night. I want to ask for any advice because I am all out if ideas. :(.

  • JulieSibert says: November 26th, 2012 at 7:28 am

    @Anonymous ... As to whether you have to have sex with him even though you are separated, I guess I would really have to think that one through Biblically, because technically you are still married. One could argue that you should continue to offer yourself to him sexually.

    But I will say this... if he is really not making any effort to deal with deep-rooted issues and is not mutually interested in healing the past hurts and setting in place healthier patterns going forward, then all the sex in the world really isn't going to get you where you want to be... in a strong, nurtured marriage.

    Being physically separated yet still having sex seems to me like he wants some of the benefits of marriage without the responsibilities. Could you do that long term? I doubt it.

    Obviously, keep praying for him and for your marriage and seeking wise counsel, but at some point, I think it's reasonable to express your disappointment with the arrangement as is.

    I'm sorry for what you are going through...

    julie

  • ANONYMOUS says: November 27th, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    What a great blog ,my wife and i have discovered that diet has a great influence on emotions in a marriage and sexual function and ability.12 months ago we started taking flaxseed oil mixed with greek yoghurt as per the BUDWIG PROTOCOL and wow what a change it has made to our life.Mental calmness and performance in the bedroom is just one of many great changes,Eliminating sugar intake and replacing with honey where possible and gradually eliminating processed foods where practical has helped us both to feel much younger both mentally and physically.

  • Alisha says: November 30th, 2012 at 10:36 am

    I throughly agree.It is like why would ahusband and wife living under one roof she go to neighbor cook his food rub his feet and have sex eith the neighbor.While same ladirs husba d go across street to shovel single oarent across street drive way play with single parents kid fix her drain repair her house.Than same husband and wife walk in house and not perform the job or role they signed up to do with each other.OR your job hires you than you dont fo jpb at all u hired to do.I MAKES NO SENSE.GIVE EACH OTHER LOVE&sex u said u would.:)

  • Alisha Walls says: November 30th, 2012 at 10:39 am

    I throughly agree.It is like why would ahusband and wife living under one roof she go to neighbor cook his food rub his feet and have sex eith the neighbor.While same ladirs husba d go across street to shovel single oarent across street drive way play with single parents kid fix her drain repair her house.Than same husband and wife walk in house and not perform the job or role they signed up to do with each other.OR your job hires you than you dont fo jpb at all u hired to do.I MAKES NO SENSE.GIVE EACH OTHER LOVE&sex u said u would. Just think how rejected hurt unloved you would feel if your dpouse denied you and you really needed to be held or you really needed sex.

  • Richard says: December 8th, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Thank you for your article. I like what you said and thought to share my experience.

    I'm a re-born Christian while initially born as a Chinese. I feel that sex within marriage is most satisfying only when there is mutual respect between the husband and wife.

    Christian husband and wife ought to love and care for each other. The pre-requisite of love is to regularly show good and proper manners to each other. In my opinion, we must not be lax or lazy in our communication. Be diligent towards your spouse. If possible and when we have the opportunities, we ought to always confer and direct greater honor onto your spouse whenever we talk to others about ourselves or our family. Your spouse will be spiritually drawn to you and will open his/her heart to you regardless whether he/she heard you saying nice things about him/her. It is in the spirit of love that the greater one can confer honor to the spouse, the more he/she will honor you in return. Do this regularly. Not just once, twice or thrice. The more the merrier until you believe you have married the best spouse in the universe.

    Then you can enjoy each other with wonderful intimacy in the privacy of your rooms. Take showers or baths together. Wash or rub each other's back. Go hot on each other. Be playful only in the trust and secrecy of each other's company.

    However don't make a show of intimacy in front of others. Not even in front of your children. Once you are in public, always behave yourselves with perfect decorum towards your spouse. This is about honouring each other. (I love my wife. She's absolutely wonderful. We're married for 30 years and we still enjoy each other sexually to produce 6 children.) Try this recipe for a long lasting, hot & sexually very satisfying intimate marriage relationship. It may just work for you as it did for my marriage.

    God loves you. Jesus saves. It's great to be a Christian. God bless your marriage.

  • JulieSibert says: December 8th, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Thanks for the comment @Richard... beautifully written. I would only disagree with the point about not showing affection in front of anyone else. I think appropriate expression of affection, even in front of the kids, is definitely good and sends the message that the marriage is highly valued.

    Thx for stopping by and commenting! Really appreciate it! Many blessings on your marriage!

  • Could This Wife's Story Be Yours? | Intimacy in Marriage says: December 8th, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    [...] I read the 5 Things You Must Know if You Are Denying Your Husband Sex, I just wanted to bawl.  I wish I had known years ago what I know [...]

  • Josefina says: December 10th, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    While it's a good article, a woman does have the right to say no. A man does not have the right to demand sex from a woman. Sex should be a mutual thing. If it's okay for a man ogle teenagers and watch porn, and lust after other women, then a woman surely has the right to say no, if she doesn't feel like having sex.

  • Emily says: December 10th, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    Congrats. You just reversed feminism by about 50 years.

    There is no God given right to sex, for anyone. How dare you preach about sexual relations as if women are objects to be possessed, controlled, and used by their husbands for sexual pleasure.

    And honestly. If God wants me to have sex so much, why does the Church constantly defame it.

    Makes no damn sense, Miss.

  • JulieSibert says: December 11th, 2012 at 12:34 am

    Thank you @Emily for stopping by and commenting, but I think you missed the point of my blog post. I don't really think it had anything to do with feminism, but from the adamancy in your tone, I'm guessing you didn't realize that.

    Anyway, my site is directed at Christian couples, particularly wives, who I would hope would be interested in what God says about sex in the Bible. The Bible is clear in 1 Corinthians 7 that indeed husbands and wives are to have sex often and that sex is a sacred gift within marriage, not meant to be seen as "optional" but something to partake in often. And that when married couples nurture their sexual intimacy, indeed many blessings flow out of this.

    As for your comment about the church, I wasn't sure if the point of your comment was that the church doesn't speak well of sex or that some people in church leadership treat sex in a sinful way. Regardless, though, of the church's failings in dealing with sex, the truth still remains that sex was designed by the Lord for marriage.

    Thanks for stopping by though. Many blessings on your day...

  • bobus says: December 11th, 2012 at 5:05 am

    lol r u serious? this is the most retarded thing i have ever read "Satan is hell bent on destroying marriages because marriage is a covenant relationship God created" LLLOLOLOLOL no its not and satan isn't real nor god

  • JulieSibert says: December 11th, 2012 at 7:22 am

    @bobus.... I'm sorry you feel that way. Obviously we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

    Even when two people disagree, it's helpful to have at least a tone of respect if possible. Just an idea.

  • what??? says: December 11th, 2012 at 9:17 am

    This might be one if the most offensive things I've read recently.

  • JulieSibert says: December 11th, 2012 at 9:20 am

    @what??? But you read it, so I guess from my viewpoint, that's a good thing.

    Thank you for stopping by and for commenting... I really do appreciate it, even if we disagree.

  • Blake says: December 11th, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Strange that all of a sudden people are showing up and blasting this post. Oh well, to each his/her own. I do admire the Christian way you react to people who don't agree with you, Julie.

    I'm not sure how urging couples to follow the words of Paul AND Solomon (during his wise, God-approved period) is offensive and sexist. Solomon counseled men to rejoice in the wife of their youth and be satisfied with their breasts (so to speak). Considering it's one of the great Proverbs, I can't see anything wrong with pointing married couples down that path.

  • Emily says: December 11th, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Julie, I think you missed the point of my comment (and no, I didn't miss the point of your post). You can't simply "remove" feminism from your post just because you think it's convenient. My argument is that the "advice" that you're giving women is a reversal of the female agency that feminists have been battling for since the 50s. If a woman doesn't want to have sex, she shouldn't have to, regardless of what the BIble says. Non-consensual sex is called rape, and yes, after a long, sad period of time, finally, rape is illegal within marriage too. If I don't feel like having sex, I shouldn't feel pressured to because the Bible tells me to.

    I know you're trying to do this whole "kill with kindness" and "be a Christian" thing, but it's unimpressive... I want you to engage my argument. I want you to tell me why you can justify marital rape with the Bible.

    FYI - I was born and raised Catholic. I really do understand what the Bible says. (Not that I believe any of it after I went to college and actually became educated).

  • JulieSibert says: December 11th, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    @Emily... Thanks again for stopping by!

    I don't think I missed the point of your comment. I simply think that it would be difficult for us to engage in productive dialogue about it because you believe that my post is a "reversal of the female agency that feminists have been battling for since the 50s" -- and I don't believe that's what my post is.

    The basis of my post is what I hold to be clear foundational Biblical messages that sex is a vital part of marriage and nowhere in the Bible does God portray it as something optional. In fact, 1 Corinthians 7 tells married couples to engage in sex often.

    Am I advocating forced sex? No, I'm simply saying that husbands and wives would be wise to take good care of their marriage... a covenant relationship designed by God... and part of taking care of marriage, according to the Lord, involves sexual intimacy. Sadly, there are many spouses out there who greatly disregard nurturing sexual intimacy, much to the downfall of their marriage.

    It's fascinating to me that you don't believe in the Bible, yet you think you and I can really have a conversation about something the Bible says, when indeed I do believe in the Bible.

    I humbly recognize, based from your tone, that I'm not going to convince you of my perspective... nor are you going to convince me of yours.

    I do really appreciate you taking the time to comment again, though. Thank you so much!

  • Ridiculousblogpost says: December 12th, 2012 at 5:24 am

    Yes, I'm sure God cries over every husband who doesn't get sex from his wife who has free will. By the way, God gave her that too.

  • JulieSibert says: December 12th, 2012 at 7:43 am

    @Ridiculousblogpost... You sound angry. Why so angry?

  • Blake says: December 12th, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    For naysayers out there, Julie isn't talking about rape or coercion. It's about the right use of our moral agency. Nobody should force us to keep the law of chastity, pray, or accept Christ as our Savior, but God hopes we do these things and is sorrowful when we don't. The same goes for marriage: we have our agency, but God still expects us Christians to use it to nourish our marriage in all its aspects, including physically. I'm sure that Julie and her colleagues aren't preaching marital rape, but are encouraging others to use their agency for the good of their marriage.

  • J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says: December 12th, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Julie did an excellent with this post. Of course, no one post can cover everything that might be said on a subject. To clarify, however, there is a vast difference between force or marital rape (which unfortunately does exist) and recognizing the need and benefit of meeting legitimate physical and emotional needs in marriage. Once a spouse recognizes that there is a need and an obligation, that doesn't mean they subject themselves to mistreatment. Far from it! They take steps to work together as a couple to build a great sex life. Sexuality shouldn't be one-sided in marriage--as in one spouse demanding sex or the other demanding no sex.

    Julie was making the case that wives need to understand what is happening if they think there are no consequences to a sexless marriage. As she pointed out, it does have a negative impact.

  • anonymous me says: December 13th, 2012 at 3:50 am

    Great article Julie! I am a 29 year old woman who is in a 4.5 year relationship. I have never engaged in actual sex in all of my life. Initially ( during teen years to early 20's) it was a choice. Now it is a problem. I cannot understand why, but when my husband and I "try" I clench in anxiety and fear of pain. I ask him if we can go to counseling on it and he says " It's my problem so if I want to go I should go on my own". This makes me feel alone and resentful.
    I do take care of business for him in other ways so to speak, but nothing ( i understand) can make up for the actual act. I do not know what to do. Even if we split, this is something I wish to resolve.

  • JulieSibert says: December 13th, 2012 at 8:34 am

    @anonymous me... I definitely think you should go to counseling and possibly even visit a medical doctor as well, because it would be worth it to better understand where the anxiety and fear of pain is coming from.

    Even though your husband doesn't want to go, you really have nothing to lose and all to gain by going on your own. When you stand back and look at the situation as it is now, obviously you don't want your marriage to be filled with anxiety about sex.

    I would start with a counselor and your medical doctor and see what insights they can offer.

    In addition to that, I would encourage you to take more time during foreplay... it could be that your body simply isn't warmed up to the idea of sex. Foreplay is crucial in helping get us in a place where sex is enjoyable, etc. Foreplay can help us clear our mind of other distractions, can help us relax, etc. And by "foreplay," it can include such things as having a nice conversation, enjoying giving each other backrubs, light caressing all over the body, extended kissing, etc.

    Anyway, I hope some of this helpful... be encouraged and don't give up hope that things can look different than they do right now.

  • Hurting husband says: December 16th, 2012 at 11:44 am

    As a sexually deprived husband I can attest that this article is VERY accurate. I'm writing this in hopes that it may help some of the wives out there to "get it", since clearly my wife doesn't. For the wives... Imagine if your husband decided he didn't want to talk with you or do things with you and payed you little attention. Or , when he did talk to you he acted like he didn't want to be there. Would you be tempted get attention elsewhere? Probably so, because you would have a basic need that was being neglected. This is exactly how a husband feels when he is denied sex. My wife and I have sex maybe once or twice a month. And when we do it seems like a chore. I went from being hurt to angry , to resentful , then to withdrawal. I don't ask for it any more because it makes me feel like a loser. I love my wife, I am a friend to her, I treat her with respect at all times. I am a nice looking, clean guy. I pay all the bills. I take care of my responsibilities. I don't want to cheat but what is a man to do....?

  • Tony says: December 17th, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Thank you so much for your incisive write up. But as I am writing this letter now, my own case with my former wife is alredy too late. She denied me so much that I hated her, even so she told me so many times of how she hates me. I resorted to masturbation but stopped on my own accord. Her attitude of nagging and husband battering and hatred made me to pack out of our house for her and since then I have peace of mind for two months now before thinking of remarrying. Regards, Tony.

  • Rob says: December 17th, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    I just emailed this link to my wife. Because it was written by a woman and that is important. I'm hoping it may help her think about our marriage a little differently.

    I love my wife very much and she is my whole world. I tell her I love her everyday. I tell her how hot she is, I work a lot and have always done my best to make sure her and the kids are always looked after.

    My wife might give me two minutes once a month, it is nothing for me to go two or three months without any intimacy at all. It has almost always been that way for us. I can only think of three times since we met in high school where she instigated anything sexual, two of those times were twenty years ago. It is not important to her, she see's it as a chore, she thinks it's just about the release. She uses many of the excuses found here. Too tired, is a big one.

    I have to agree with Hurting husband, you said it right. There are stages to this for us men, well there are for me anyway.

    First there is rejection in several forms and different levels, after a few weeks it turns to anger and hurt. That's when I notice myself getting cranky, short tempered, susceptible to road rage and things like that. That doesn't make her want to be intimate I'm sure. So, that just makes things even worse. I know that so I try hard to hide it. A few weeks after that the anger turns into sense of worthlessness, and more pain. Around the two month mark you hit the last and worst stage for me is the feeling unloved stage. When you feel like you're going through a break up or something. It's that deep pain that tightens your chest like you've just lost a loved one and you are grieving, you can't sleep, your work is suffering, you miss your wife so much.

    This is the most dangerous stage, and usually for me when she will offer an obligatory two minutes. At this stage I don't even want it. I want her, I need to feel her love not her two minutes to shut me up.

    I bet this is when men start to wonder off, perhaps to their lawyers. I'm not sure, but I could see it for sure.

    For me, like I said before. My wife is my whole world and my whole life. I really do love her, we've been through a lot together and came out strong. She loves me too, I know she does. We get along great, never fight and we do a lot of things together... Except in our bedroom...

    I will never cheat on her, it's the love and closeness to her that I really need. Yes, 20 plus years later I'm still hot for my wife like I was as a teenager. I could go elsewhere for gratification, but I know that wouldn't work for me anyway. It's not just "getting some" that I want, it's my wife that I want. I can only get that at home.

    All that said, I can tell you as a guy...Begging sucks! Don't make your man beg, he is not a dog. Don't treat him like one.

    When we see our wives, we go running up to you like an excited puppy, tail wagging and full of kisses. When you yell "No" and say "Go lay down" like you would to a dog, it hurts pretty bad! When you leave us in the laying in the corner for weeks, or months it's just cruelty to husbands.

  • So Sad says: December 18th, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    I waited to have sex till I was married. It was a horrible experience for me. There was no affection or connection just pain and tears. Nine years later nothing changed. I hate it. I waited for nothing. I'm so sad and lonely and my husband just doesn't care. When you grow up in a strict religious family and was told sex is for marriage you think that when you get married that every thing will be ok and will fall into place. God does not promise good intimacy in marriage. I'm learning this the hard way. I'm don't deny him but I'm suffering and I'm trapped

  • Shamma says: December 21st, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    I have been married for 2 and a half years. However we have not consummated our marriage. There are many reasons for that but the first and most important reason is... it hurts.... I don't mean the usual pain that a woman has her first time.... I mean a pain that makes me want to throw up... It is physical but it is linked to psychological problems. In 2007 I was almost raped as I was on my way back from work. This ordeal has stayed with me since. I am working on making myself better for my husband. However here is reason number 2. My husband is an international student. In June 2011 he went back to our home country because my mother in law was really unwell. We were going to apply for a spouse visa but I could not get a job paying me enough to bring him back. I am also a student so going into full time means I cannot study or have to go into part time study. I got a full time job instead by taking a gap year. I worked for about 600 pounds per month. It was an international college and they shut down temporarily in December 2011. In January 2012 I went to my home country however just before that me and my husband had a serious argument. My anger reached its peak and I wrote to a friend in anger saying a lot of things I shouldn't have said (but I said only in anger). My husband has my password so he read the message and got angry at me accusing me of being a cheat and a liar. I kept trying to explain to him that it was all out of anger (he DID cause the fight... the reason was that I never gave him time. I worked from 8:30 till 6 and sometimes 7 for a mere 600 pounds and when I get home I am exhausted. I rarely go out with friends to save money and I hardly call anyone. He kept saying I never gave him time and I didn't love and that's how the argument got serious in the first place.) So even though I tried to make him understand it was just out of anger he did not listen and started going on about divorce. I got to Bangladesh and we were ok for a while but had many fights even then. In February I came back to the UK and got another job. This one paid only 500 per month. It was full time babysitting (sometimes from 7:45am-7:00pm). It was private and I am not a registered childminder so I can only accept minimum pay. Again our problems started. I have a friend who is a guy and I spoke to him occasionally. He is the only man friend I have as I do not really speak to my male classmates outside of academia.
    My husband has been hacking my computer and he obviously saw that I had spoken to him.... about 3-4 times. He started accusing me of cheating. It took me 3 whole months to make him realize I am not having an affair. However our problems got worse when our government decided to change the spouse visa laws. So I would have to show 18,500 pounds per month for 6 months. I couldn't find a job like that. I would need a degree at least. So we could not apply. Finally we decided he should come back on a student visa. However his IELTS results were not acceptable and he had to redo them another 3 times. He just got his latest results back and he was not happy.

    My husband is a very emotional man and quickly takes up the word suicide. And today he took it up again. I was trying to console him but he simply refused to listen. I got angry and started say that he shouldn't have left in the first place. He started saying I should have worked better. We kept dredging up the past until he said he wanted a divorce. He has said that many times so I was unwilling to listen. However he is serious this time.

    I am not writing to ask about whether I should divorce him or apply for annulment, I simply want to know if it is all my fault.

  • pretending happiness says: January 3rd, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    I agree with some of the commenters on here that a woman doesn't "owe"her husband sex.

    However, I do get tired of pretending I'm happy when i work 40-55 hours a week, doing all the laundry, dishes, and fixing all my own meals during the week, and breakfast on the weekend, and getting sex about 3 times a year. I'm a fan of swapping a certain favor and that's happened once in the past two years.

    Yes, she's a stay at home wife with our two kids, but I'm getting tired of pretending I'm happy while getting treated like a peasant.

  • Anonymous says: January 7th, 2013 at 1:48 am

    I agree. A wife shoudn't withold from her husband but my husband brings it all on himself. We've been married for almost ten years now. I've given birth to our three kids. After our third, we chose to get the Mirena IUD as we can not afford any more babies. I'm pretty sure one of the side effects is weight gain and I'm sure me entering my thirties is also indicative of slowing metabolism. Anyway, I've always been thin and now I'm 145 lbs. Still thin but maybe a littlle on the chubby side and we haven't worked out since August. So..... he picks on my weight. Tells me I'm fat and lazy (I'm a stay at home mom) with a part time job too but I'm far from lazy and I'm not fat... just more so out of shape. When he says things about my weight. I despise him, I have issues with my body anyway as I was molested for years by a close family member as a child. I'm very insecure about my body. I don't even like him to see it in the light. He's never been a very affectionate person and he's a selfish lover. We have sex MAYBE once a week due to him working long hours and being tired and many times I can't get our youngest to sleep when I need him to. So almost all the time, when we do finally have sex- he obviously finishes rather quickly and then does nothing to help me achieve anything. He just gets up like it's no big deal, heads to the bathroom for a routine after-sex urination and it's back to bed and off to sleep. All while I'm laying awake.... frustrated and feeling like taking care of it myself. He does this all the time. It's to the point where I dont really feel like having sex because I know I'll be left hangin' and then I feel used. I was used as a child by my Grandpa, then in my early teens I began chasing sex with several different boys and ended up used then too, now..... I feel used by my husband. We've met with our pastors about him saying things about my weight but I'm unsure of weather or not to talk to them or if I'm supposed to get a sex counselor. My husband would never just sit and talk about this with me. We had a huge blowout today where he beat me up with words..... hours later he apologized and then he acts like I'm supposed to stand up, dust myself off, give him a passionate kiss and move on with my day like nothing happened. I feel as if I was beat up physically. I'm tired and really I just don't feel like moving. He was trying to be so sweet tonight and while I wasn't mean to him.... I wasn't accepting of him in my heart. What do I do?

  • JulieSibert says: January 7th, 2013 at 8:03 am

    @Anonymous... thank you for your vulnerable comment. I am sorry for what you are going through. Very heartbreaking.

    Here are a few posts that may be helpful...

    http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2012/07/20/difficult-marriage-what-should-you-do/

    http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2012/05/08/crappy-marriage-what-if-it-doesnt-get-better/

    At any rate, you need good support. I would encourage you to find a safe Christian woman who will pray with you, pray for your marriage, listen without judgment and simply be a good friend as you journey this difficult place.

  • George says: January 7th, 2013 at 11:08 am

    I agree with your message and the 5 points. 9 out of 10 of my friends wives do not have healthy sexual relationships with their husbands after marriage and especially after kids. The lucky 1% has nothing to worry about. However, the 99% do not understand how important it is to a husband to be physically and emotionally connected to their wife. All of the women were very active prior to getting married which makes it so much worse from an expectation perspective. So what does this mean, it means that the first somewhat attractive women to flirt or hit on me or just about any man that has been ignored we go for it. The funny thing is my wife thinks everything is just fine even though I tell her I am not fulfilled. She just calls me a nasty individual and other names. She did not call me those things when we were dating, I can assure you of that. I ended up trolling the internet and starting a relationship with a younger women for booty call sessions that are mutually beneficial. I would divorce my wife but am waiting until our kids are older. Then I am going to divorce her. All I have to say is most womene are scheming and manipulative during the dating and courting phase of a relaitonship and completely change once they marry you and once they have kids it becomes unbearable. They act so nice and bubbly in public but are (expletive) and negative, depressed nags behind closed doors. Most of them seem to need to take depression pills and sleeping pills because their heads are so messed up.

  • Virginia says: January 7th, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    I didn't see any scriptures, are there any you can recommend about sex & marriage?

  • JulieSibert says: January 7th, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Thank you @Virginia... I definitely can offer some scriptures.

    Read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 as well as the entire book of Song of Songs, of which the most common interpretation is that it is an allegorical and metaphorical description of sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. Also see Proverbs 5:15-19.

    There are more, but these are good places to start.

  • Virginia says: January 7th, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Thank you so much! God bless ;-)

  • Thomas says: January 7th, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    you know, i do agree with author of this article to a certain extent.

    but i think it is important to remember if there is something wrong with the sex life and your wife is denying you sex, instead of shifting the entire responsibility to the wife, and go " oh well, all she need to do is say yes, how hard is that?"

    rather it would be good for the couple to sit down together and figure out what is going on, "honestly".

    for example ,i know one impediment towards a good sex life is weight issues, esp obesity.

    i know, because i struggle with weight issues myself, and frankly, i can not say i blame my wife for want to get intimate with me less often because of it.

    dont get me wrong, i am not bashing people with weight issues, let face it, in western society the number of people who are overweight is staggering. While i do believe this is a personal issue, and if a person is happy with being overweight or obese, it is their choice and no one elses. however, this does not apply to their spouse as their spouse are the ones who have to get intimate with them, and i do believe they have to take their spouse's feeling into consideration in those matters.

    you know, as a Christian, i do think it is important for us not to have this " have your cake and eat it too" mentatliy. As i believe this type of mentality is agaisnt scriptural teaching " one reap what one sow" ie self resp.

    you cant expect to "not have to" take care of yourself and still expect to have your spouse desire you in the same way.

    obviously there are exceptions, as many people many struggle with weight issues because of medical problems etc etc

    and yes, losing weight is not easy ( i should know), it does requires sacrifises etc etc

    but like i said, it is completely and utterly irresponsible for a Christian to have this "have your cake and eat it mentality".

    you have to make a decision which is more important to you and willing to give up on something else.

    that is just how life works.

    we are not children, and we need to stop behave like children walking into a candy store and think it is ok to want/demand/entitled to every single type of candy he can see.

    and no, i am not talking about wife having a body of a supermodel or husband having a ab of steel, i am merely talking about looking healthy and reasonably slim.

    so yes, if a husband want their wife to find them attractive but know they are carrrying a huge spare tyre in the middle, need to stop shifting the entire resp to their wife and start exercising.

    anyway, if you love your spouse, then i would you would want to put in some work into looking attractive for them!

  • Sam says: January 8th, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Lady I don't know who you are, but you should wright a book you would save a lot of christian marriager.I for one am not a sex mad animal. You are spot on when you say that most men would not play up if they were happy with there wife's sexualy. For men like me it's a stress release and it's showing your wife love. You are one special lady wish you could speak to my wife before I leave. God bless you. Sam

  • L. says: January 10th, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    I stumbled upon this article when doing a general search on "What to do when your fiancee cry's after being denied sex" . While your article doesn't apply to my situation. So far there has been two situations where he wakes me up at 2, 3, or 4 in the morning to have sex (on a workday) and I say something like "Fine, I'm awake, lets do this." Or, "come on lets get this over with" to which his response is to role over and shed silent tears- which then makes me feel horrible and apologetic.)Other than the early morning requests I haven't denied him intimacy or sex. I often initiate as well. I just wish that he would realize that I am not trying to hurt him.. I'm just not at my best when woken up by my nipples being pinched or his hand down my PJ pants. This is where I am looking for advice :)

    Anyways, the point of this post is I really enjoyed the read. I feel as if reading this has educated me slightly and I will be a better wife for it.

  • Dumisani says: January 11th, 2013 at 7:01 am

    I came across this article, so to speak, by "accident" but this has proved to be a very good "accident" indeed. The article and many of the subsequent comments and responses etc are very educative and inspiring while others make for sad reading. We have a lot of challenges in our Christian marriages but this is the way to go Julie, i.e. to bring out the issues and talk about them so frankly and openly. God bless you richly for this. I have forwarded the article to several friends and I trust they'll be blessed by it too.

  • cindy says: January 16th, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    What is a woman to do if she has over the last 5 years, been to doctor after doctor and ask what to do about 0% sex drive? I have no desire for it what so ever. However, I do it for the mercy of my husband. To keep him here with me. But I hate it. It's all because I have no sexual desire. I didn't choose this. So do you have any advise on this matter? When I go to the doctors and approch them with this issue, all they say is, there is no miracle pill and if I only knew how many women come to him/her with this same issue. Well, I am only worried about this woman and sooner or later, my husband will venture elsewhere for the romance. I need any and all advise you may have for me.

  • JulieSibert says: January 17th, 2013 at 7:43 am

    @cindy... I'm sorry for what you are experiencing with low/no sexual desire. Have your doctors done hormonal testing to see what your testosterone levels are? Both men and women have testosterone (of course men have it in much higher levels), but it is a hormone that is key in desire. If your level is low, doctors can prescribe supplements. You would need to talk to a doctor first though.

    My other question is are you experiencing orgasm when you and your husband are sexually active? If you are not experiencing pleasure, it may be helpful for you and your husband to explore this... meaning really understanding your body so that you know what it will take for you to climax. Sex without pleasure really begins to feel chore-like, so if you are not experiencing pleasure, that could be a contributing factor as to your non-existent desire.

    Another suggestion I have is to really nurture your friendship... I know that sounds silly, but the more you can strengthen your relationship outside of bed, the more likely it is you will have increased desire in bed.

    Lastly, I would say have sex more often. I know that seems like a lot of work if you don't like it at all right now, but for many couples, the more they have sex, the more they see what a vital part it is of their relationship.

    I hope some of this is helpful. I encourage you to pray and not give up on finding solutions. Your marriage and you and your husband are all worth it!

  • Ed says: January 19th, 2013 at 4:11 am

    Thanks to ALL for sharing your experience to let many of us know that we are together in this undesirable state.

    My wife of 18 years told me she doesn't need sex and she can achieve orgasm by herself if she needs it. I've always gave her orgasm first before its my turn no matter how much time and effort it needs from me. There's many patches of sexless of varying periods from weeks to years in our marriage. It only seems to have gotten worst. In addition, there's lots of verbal accusation and bullying. She always have something to say about everything in mostly not-so-good way for the recipients. We went for Christian counseling and when suggested that we work on our communication, she said there's nothing wrong with her communication. I've lost confidence of holding on any longer.

  • Yakzy says: January 30th, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Thanks for ur post. I am a christian n knows all that the bible says about marriage 'wives submitng' to their husbands. At first, i thought i could work on it but, it's almost becomng a problem to me. What do u do when most of the time, there's little or no foreplay,n once he penetrates b4 u say 'jack robinson' he's reach orgasm, dozing off n leavng u to masturbate/finger urself to release the tension? I ve talked to him on hw i want 2 be handled on bed especialy d romance aspect bt to no avail. Its realy frustratng n has made me to begin to lose my lubido n interest in sex. For all the 5-6 times of sex in a week,i go unsatisfied n most at times angry. We have 1 child,stil young n ful of energy to b exploit in fun makng bt, lately,he cant even go twice. So, wat do i do?

  • Former Henderson GVR says: February 1st, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    I am not christian, not even close... My wife has been withholding for a long, long time. It started years ago when I went to her to report that a friend of hers approached me with offers of sex. She was a short Japanese christian who must have liked tall white guys.

    Three or four years later, another friend of hers visited our home and used our computer to bid on an eBay auction for video duplication equipment. Turns out (after reviewing the eBay history) she was dealing porn and she just happened to be a baptist pastor's wife in Las Vegas (under the Southern Nevada Baptist Association). I reported that to my wife and she chose the BPW's wife over me on who to side with. Months later, the pastor's wife flashed me by lifting her mini-skirt, showing me her breasts and put her fingers in my posterior crack. I have since learned that, culturally, you cannot tell a Japanese wife things like this. Amazing to me is that the Japanese who are christians seem to be the most morally-challenged.

    I have since developed prostate issues at the age of 41. My urologist suggested I "take care" of my issue by becoming active again.

    I do not have the money to afford "taking care" of it. I cannot afford a divorce, but vengeance will be mine. I have blood in my urine and semen, I experience pain daily and I am starting to experience bumps on my bones in various places. I am not getting any treatment. My punishment to her will be my withering away and dying on her.

    I embarrass her by outwardly criticizing christians and christianity. I have explained to my children that christianity is an excuse to do bad things because they have some make-believe thing to "forgive" them.

    If there were ever a chance for me to save a bus full of christians or do nothing and let them die... My decision has been made. Being unable to work, I now devote my energy to putting christian businesses under.

  • snehal says: February 2nd, 2013 at 3:10 am

    well said...

  • JulieSibert says: February 2nd, 2013 at 9:26 am

    @Former Henderson GVR... Thank you for your raw honesty in your comment. I am deeply saddened by what you've experienced in your marriage.

    I can assure you, though, that despite your negative experience with some Christians, not all Christians are like what you have described. In your reference to the bus load of Christians, I imagine in such a scenario, on that bus would indeed be people who humbly followed the Lord, loved their neighbor as themselves, fed the poor, took care of the weak and loved compassionately in their marriages.

    My prayers do go out to you that you would encounter the love of Christ in such a way that you will see how deeply He does care about you and your life, even if the people around you (including your wife) have been so incredibly careless in showing you the same compassion.

  • Paul says: February 5th, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    MamaB -- Just tell him! He is not a mind-reader. If you are taking care of your husband like you say you are, I would bet money he will return taking care of you IF HE KNOWS what you want.

    Julie -- great article. I wish my wife would get this. She has been denying me since we got married ("I wasn't raised that way", "only sluts wear that", "only whores do that", "why are you so horney?" -- in context of being naked in front of me, wearing sexy lingerie, doing anything that would visually excite me, and having sex multiple times a week). Needless to say, she has some big hang-ups with sexuality.

    I don't want to excuse any of my bad or sinful choices, but I do want to confirm what you are saying less anybody have doubt.

    In 22 years of marriage, and as a direct result of continued sexual denial, I have:

    - Grown to bitterly resent my wife and my marriage. I see it as the greatest mistake of my life.
    - Don't even bother pursing her anymore...ever.
    - Could care less about anything romantic.
    - Do not go out of my way to make her happy anymore because it is too painful.
    - Really don't even care about our marriage beyond maintaining sufficient stability for our son.
    - Don't have energy / willpower to try working on other marital issues. Issues that could be resolved with some effort on both our parts.
    - Know I have my own issues impacting our marriage, but am literally unable to work on them without being overcome by anger.
    - Have lost any feeling of intimacy we might have had right after marriage...there is no "we" and I doubt there ever will be.
    - Laid awake at night wishing she would leave me, I would die, or she would die.
    - Tried to figure out if a safe way exists (aside from castration) to remove my sex drive.
    - Experienced extended bouts of significant depression.
    - Fallen into deep pornography addiction (which God pulled me out of, but resisting temptation is unfathomably difficult).
    - Attempted to have an affair (I can only praise God for creating situational elements preventing this from happening each time).
    - Seriously considered engaging with a prostitute.
    - Had reoccurring thoughts of suicide.
    - Have absolutely no hope our marriage will be anything more than two room-mates sharing a house.
    - Plan on getting a job involving extensive travel as soon as my son goes to college.

    I'm not fooling myself into thinking we would be trouble-free if my wife did not have issues with sexuality (issues she is unwilling to resolve). But I will say none of the items listed above would be present in our marriage had she only been able to say "yes".

    Before anybody wants to write this off as me just being a bad husband...I spent years really trying. So much that women would regularly comment "I wish my husband would do that". No more.

    I'm writing this not to complain, but because I hope others can avoid the trap my wife created for us.

  • Paul says: February 5th, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Former Henderson GVR -- I must question if your story is real or made up. I question only for these reasons:

    1) What you describe, while possible, is certainly out of the ordinary.
    2) Many people have devoted themselves to making Christians look bad. Such people regularly make things up.

    If your story is legitimate, my heart also goes out to you. I am so sad that your experience of what a "Christian" is deviates drastically from real followers of Jesus. The Bible presents a picture of Christianity that is very different. So different, in fact, that we would have to seriously question if the people you describe are actually Christians, or call themselves that because it seems fashionable.

    Do all people sin? Yes. Do Christians still sin at times? Yes. Do I sin? Sure. But the Christian life is not about excusing sin because you are forgiven. It is about having a relationship with the very God who created us -- and who loves us in spite of our sin. As this relationship develops, we sin less and show Jesus more.

    Do Christians still have problems? Deep, deep problems at times? Obviously. But again, living for Christ does not mean our problems -- or the consequences of past sins -- are magically taken away.

    Think of it like a father / child relationship. Our children disobey, but we correct them and teach them over time to do what is right. Our children have problems, but if we are good fathers we support our children through their problems.

    Because a child disobeys or has problems, should we say nobody should be a child? Obviously not.

  • Kristal says: February 6th, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    If you say no to your husband, he will cheat because you ruefully unleashed Satan on your marriage? Wow, this is the tactic my step father must have used to get my mother to take him back.... I've got news for you crazy brain washed broads... It takes 2 to make love and two to destroy a marriage. If a woman doesn't FEEL like having sex then HE hasn't made her feel special, beautiful, his one love... We are emotional creatures and its our emotions than control our sexual hormones... And this article is SOLEY blaming women for the lack of sex in a marriage?! So sleep with him so Satan doesn't tempt him? Give me a f****** break! He's a grown ass man who made the vow and shouldn't be given such "Divine" excuses... This post blows my mind you're brainwashed by whoever fed this to you...

  • JulieSibert says: February 6th, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    @Kristal... wow, you seem angry. I think you misunderstood my post, but I imagine we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

    Thank you, though, for taking the time to comment.

  • Wanting to be Good says: February 6th, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    Julie, I found your blog several days ago, and this post just a few moments ago. Thank you so much for all that you do to help those of us out here who want and need more intimacy in our marriages. I am unfortunately a wife who refuses my husband. It has been months and months...in fact I cannot remember the last time we were intimate. I will be brief about my issues. During the birth of my second child, something tore, which required stitches in my clitoris. I can still have orgasms. I've never experienced one while having sex. Next issue is, I met my current husband online. We are both Christians. We've been married 7 years. I did not love him when I married him. I liked him a lot. I trusted that God would give the love for him, sort of like an arranged marriage. I have grown to love him, but never that "in love" kind of feeling. That does not matter to me. I would like very much to please him. He has been wonderful to me. He is my best friend. However, I am on some pretty strong medications for depression. I have NO desire to be touched. To make it worse, my dear husband has no idea how to go about initiating sex. He grabs my breast and twists my nipples, which really hurts, or he puts his hands down my pants, and that's it for foreplay. My natural instinct is to push his hand away. He gets angry and that's that. When we do have sex, he says if I don't have an orgasm, it's no good for him. I have to fake it every time, which turns into work for me. I never, ever, ever enjoy sex. It never feels good. We don't have good communication at all. I really don't know how to fix this. He jokes about finding a surrogate sex partner. He no longer initiates, and when I used to, he would refuse, saying that he "forgot how". Just like the other men who have posted here, he is grouchy, angry, withdrawn, etc. We do make excellent friends and roommates. :-(

  • JulieSibert says: February 7th, 2013 at 9:16 am

    @Wanting to be Good: Thank you so much for sharing so vulnerably. I know that takes courage.

    Here are a few suggestions...

    First of all, it is very encouraging that you can still have orgasms. Not surprising that it may be difficult to climax during intercourse. Have you ever explained this to your husband? I recognize that this will require that you humble yourself and admit that you have been faking orgasm, but the sooner you shed light on this the better. Approach it honestly... that you didn't want him to feel bad, but over time you began to realize that faking it wasn't really helping either of you (for one thing, it introduces a lie into your marriage bed, which certainly isn't good).

    Ask for his forgiveness and express to him your deep desire that together the two of you work to nurture sexual intimacy so it is enjoyable for both of you and happening more frequent than it has been.

    The past does not have to dictate the future.

    The other thing you need to try to help your husband understand is that the clitoris is not always as responsive as the penis. The amount of stimulation may vary... for example, can you incorporate more oral sex, more manual stimulation, different positions, etc. It's no wonder that if you haven't been having orgasms, then sex is a chore. You deserve to experience pleasure... God designed orgasm for both a husband and a wife. Consistent sex without climax is boring and difficult.

    The goal obviously is transparency in your intimacy... that you and him both feel complete freedom to express what feels good, what sex means to you, etc. God designed sex to draw a husband and wife closer... emotionally, spiritually, physically. And that certainly is possible, but most couples who experience profound sexual intimacy would quickly admit that it takes genuine effort to understand each other's bodies, to listen, to both initiate, etc.

    If generating this conversation in person is too difficult, consider writing him a letter... with a tone of love and commitment that you want the intimacy to be better. You may then say in the letter, "My hope is that this letter is just the beginning of more face-to-face conversation about this intimate area of our marriage."

    Of course, if he is open to it, don't rule out marriage counseling. Sometimes a counselor can be exactly what a couple needs to develop the kind of conversation that moves them toward solution and away from unhealthy patterns.

    Even though you and your husband have been stuck in this unhealthy cycle of no intimacy (or intimacy that includes faking orgasms), it is possible to develop new, healthier patterns. It is possible. God is a god of redemption and hope. That's his business... making things new.

    I hope some of this is helpful. Be encouraged! Thank you for writing!!

  • jane says: February 7th, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Our problem started 13 years ago after i broke my hip,and we started sleeping in seperated rooms,he then said he enjoy sleeping alone we tried a couple times after that but he said i would pull the covers off of hin,,then he got an enlarge prostate and ed,but i found out he was trying with the women across the st but he still could not he and her had oral sex ,now that the affair is over he is going to a doctor and will have to get surgeyto reduce the prostate,and now l have being trying to win hin back in my bed but he still gives me the cold shoulder unless i ask for a kiss and hug from hin he will but say to me he is not used to during so ,me very sad

  • MeMe says: February 8th, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    What about when your husband denies you sex?

  • JulieSibert says: February 9th, 2013 at 10:40 am

    @MeMe... here is a link on my site that includes many blog posts that address the issue of a wife who wants sex and the husband denies. You may find some helpful information you can glean from...

    http://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/

  • Renee says: February 13th, 2013 at 12:40 am

    My husband is very angry at me for withholding sex. We have been married almost 8 years. When we first got married, things were very good.

    But then there were times that we had sex twice a week. He would complain and say he needed sex three times a week. Then he started calling me names and putting me down. He would never apologize. While I was angry and hurt, we wouldn't have sex for several days.

    But then he got physically abusive. He began to follow me around, push and pull me. Once he knocked down a door to get to me. Another time he had pushed me up against he wall with his hand around my neck. The names and cursing got worse. I was deeply wounded.

    Eventually, it got to where I stayed away from him for weeks. He never apologized and always thought I deserved what I got.

    We are now separated (again). He gave me a petition for divorce. And even while separated, he accuses me of failing to give him the sex he's biblically entitled to. It makes me feel cheap and worthless....he doesn't respect me enough to care for my emotional well-being, but he still wants sex. He says he is angry because I didn't give him sex as often as he wanted.

    Excuse me for not wanting to sleep with the enemy.

    I have tried very hard to be close to him again...and I just cannot. I am a strong Christian...my father is a pastor. I grew up deeply rooted in the Word....and naive. The older I get, the more I realize you can't put everyone in the same pot.

    I have spent 8 years being bullied, harassed, belittled, berated, cursed at, threatened, manipulated, and physically/mentally/emotionally abused. Oh yes, there have been many wonderful times. It's not all been bad...but the "drip drops" over the years have sent me recently into a depression I'm battling to get out. I feel on the brink of a nervous breakdown because he will not stop harassing me about sex....even though we are separated.

    He says he is angry because I stay away from him longer and longer periods each time I'm upset with him. Well, yes I do. But it's because I'm afraid to be close to him. I'm afraid I will let my guard down and he will hurt me again.

    So, yes...I'm denying my husband sex. I really don't want to be with him anymore, and that bothers me....because I don't want my marriage to fail. I just don't know how to overcome this. I'll be honest, I don't think he deserves my love and affection -- at least not until he can acknowledge his abuse and change it.

  • JulieSibert says: February 13th, 2013 at 12:54 am

    @Renee.... I am deeply saddened by the way your husband has treated you. He has been abusive and you have every right to set good boundaries to keep yourself safe. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (http://www.ncadv.org/) may also be a helpful resource for you.

    I would never suggest that a woman (or a man for that matter) stay in what is clearly an abusive relationship. At the minimum, separation can be a wise step to determine if the abuser truly is repentant and is willing to do the intentional and hard work of building a healthy relationship. And in some situations, reconciliation is not possible and divorce is the outcome.

    My thought is that if an abuser is unwilling to change their destructive patterns, they have clearly already "left the marriage." You do not owe sex to someone who has "left the marriage."

    I don't think any Christian who has truly sought the Word and the Holy Spirit would consider it wrong for you to set boundaries to keep yourself safe. Anyone who would tell an abused person to stay in the line of abuse all in the name of avoiding divorce is definitely skewing God's Word in my opinion.

    Be encouraged and definitely find a safe support network that will pray with you and help you discern the best choices to make for your safety and your future.

  • Phin says: February 15th, 2013 at 6:23 am

    When I met my wife, we never talked about religion. I'm atheist, so it's something I'd never bring up in conversation.

    We got pregnant within a few weeks, and bought a house and had our first baby within the first year.

    After we had the baby, my wife said she wanted to go back to church! I had no idea she was Christian. And to be honest, if I knew before hand, the relationship would not have gone any further.

    We now have 3 children. But our relationship is always strained. I'm never given a voice regarding religion to the children. When my children have asked in the past, why I do not believe in God and that they are scared that I will go to hell because I do not believe, my wife shuts me up before I open my mouth.

    Her religious beliefs are a detriment to our sexual relationship (reading the bible in bed, is a big enough turn off to start with). She's not giving in bed or even very receiving at times. Her Christian beliefs have completely changed her in bed. She no longer comes on to me, she will not even go on all fours because of her beliefs. I'd go as far to say that I prefer masturbating, it is so boring in bed.

    I try my best to be a good lover, always have done. I can last in bed as long as I want to, as it's harder for me to orgasm than it is not to (delayed/retarded ejaculation). This has always been the case even from losing my virginity. I'm also a very giving lover, this stems from me not always being able to orgasm, so I make sure that my partner does, which gives me pleasure.

    I left my wife recently for more reasons than just the sex. The Children do not know yet. It hurts me so much to think that the kids will get hurt.

  • JulieSibert says: February 15th, 2013 at 7:40 am

    @Phin... thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm sorry about the pain and strained relationship within your marriage.

    If you have even a little hope that the marriage could be reconciled, I encourage you to consider marriage counseling. A marriage counselor likely could spur on some good dialogue between you and your wife, if you both are willing to at least take baby steps toward healing your marriage and making it stronger.

    You obviously have been together for awhile if you have had three children together. If indeed your wife is a Christian, I would think she would want to do all she can to reconcile the marriage. Professional marriage counselor could be one of the healthiest steps you both take toward finding common ground, addressing the sexual struggles, addressing other problems, etc.

    My prayers go out to you...

  • Phin says: February 15th, 2013 at 11:27 am

    We've been together 12 years. And have seen a relationship counsellor several years ago, who brought up daddy issues with my wife. We also seen a sexual counsellor a couple of years ago, who again looked towards my wife.

    We only saw each counsellor once or twice each, and it made my wife open her eyes. Unfortunately, it's all short lived. Am I supposed to put my life on hold for months, years at a time because of her issues.

    I'm a very level headed person and I do not want to tread on her faith. But personally, I feel at times like tearing it apart and telling my children exactly how I feel. Which will happen in the next week or so anyway.

    I have respect for everyone's beliefs regardless. But equally, Atheists should be respected.

    A couple of years ago, A friend of ours who was talking to me about someone who was having a go about religion etc, and he found it offensive as he is a Christian. I simply put to him, it's equally offensive to Atheists when we are being preached to.

    I live in a house where my wife talks more about a relationship with Jesus. All my Children have been taken to Church for years and go to faith schools. They listen to the worst Christian songs at home, some which I find offensive and can subliminally brainwash the kids.

    Yes, I would love to save our relationship. But I fear her relationship with Jesus is more important.

  • Broken says: February 17th, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    Obviously there are two sides to every story. But here is mine.

    I have been in church since I was born. I became a Christian when I was 7. My wife was my first and only girlfriend, my first and only kiss, and the love of my life. Today, I am a 37 year old who has been stuck in an unconsummated marriage for the last 9 years. Help!

    I was in college. She was still in high school and we had known each other at church for a while. I finally got the nerve to ask her out on a date. One date turned into years of exclusive, uninterrupted dating. I believed I had found the most amazing, wonderful, godly, Christian woman. We were both devoted Christians and so sex before marriage was never an option in either of our minds.

    We had what I consider a very romantic dating relationship. I loved loving her. I loved being around her. We dated until she graduated college. Her senior year of college I asked her to marry me. I think everyone that knew us, including our families, knew we were bound for the altar when she graduated college.

    Honestly I never gave much thought to whether or not we would have sex once we were married. It seemed like a given, like it was part of the deal.

    Finally the month after she graduated college we were married! We went on a beautiful honeymoon. Leading up to our wedding day she started to tell me that she would be uncomfortable having sex on our honeymoon and wanted to wait until we got back home. Brokenhearted, I went along with her request.

    During the first year of our marriage I thought that surely she would have sex with me at some point. However, she never did. Every time I asked her about it she said she wanted to “read about sex” first. I fully supported her reading about what to expect, etc. Although, she never read about it. Despite the no-sex policy she still fully expected me to romance her. This romance came naturally and she never needed to request it. I genuinely enjoyed romancing her and making her happy even though I was slowly dying inside.

    However, somewhere around the 6 month point of our marriage I started to become incredibly frustrated with our arrangement. It seemed that we were just dating roommates who publically paraded around as very romantic, happy newlyweds. The reality was our marriage bed was dead on arrival and I began questioning if our marriage would last. It’s like she didn’t or wouldn’t make the transition to intimacy that came with marriage. I felt unloved and rejected by the very woman who expected me to love her passionately and completely.

    Over the years she has made out with me from time to time. Sometimes she has even taken her shirt off. However, she has never allowed either of us to touch unless we were both wearing pants. I have grown to despise “making out” with her because I know it is not going to lead anywhere. I try to just forget about sex and intimacy. It’s very hard, especially because it’s on my mind all day, every day. I tell her it’s on my mind all of the time and she tells me it’s because I’m not making her feel safe enough, loved enough, etc. The subject gets changed and I try to move on.

    I do my best to be physically fit. I am 6’0” and 210lbs. I actively run as well as other aerobic and anaerobic exercise 4-5 times a week. I’m 37 and in good health. I want my wife!

    It is also breaking my heart because I am starting to wonder if we will ever have children. I have longed to have children since I was a boy. I have always wanted to grow up, marry, have children, invest my life in my family, grow old with my wife, and then one day go to heaven. I feel trapped because I don’t want to divorce my wife. I genuinely love her. It’s just so difficult being in this marriage.

    Nowadays we get into arguments a lot. She is always upset with me because she says I am often irritable and on edge toward her. I agree with her because I know I’m not perfect and I can see these attributes in myself in varying levels from time to time. However, the only way I know to get along with her is to ask her to forgive me for being these things (even though I don’t always agree with her accusations). I just want there to be peace in our home. I have asked her to go with me to marriage counseling. She has said repeatedly that she is all for me going. However, she said that she won’t be going because she doesn’t “need to go.”

    I have never asked her to have a job. I have always wanted her to be able to be a stay-at-home mom one day. Meanwhile, I want her to be able to be a stay-at-home wife if she wants. And she has stayed at home even though it took us years to pay off our pre-marriage debt. Furthermore, in addition to no-sex, she has never taken upon herself any of the traditional wifely duties such as cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, or even picking up after herself. I don’t exaggerate this. She has never cooked me a meal, never dusted or vacuumed, never washed my clothes. Perhaps in 9 years she has washed dishes less than 10 times. That’s honestly about it. For me, living in a clean and orderly home is important and she knows it. When I come home from work I try to cook, clean, wash clothes, etc. She thinks that I do these things because I don’t want to talk to her. Although, I probably spend 15-20 hours a week listening and talking to her about whatever she wants to talk about. On top of that, I average over an hour texting and talking to her from work each day. At night I read a devotional and pray for our family and friends with her. I’m drowning not only as a sex deprived husband, but also as her dating roommate.

    Today she packed her bags and is currently driving home to her parents’ house after she said she couldn’t take me being irritable and on edge toward her anymore. It exploded after I told her yesterday for the thousandth time that I was broken and hurt because we’ve never had sex. I told her that I can’t stand for her to always be upset with me. Her response was that I was not taking responsibility for my not making her feel safe enough. Part of me wants to say goodbye to this horrible chapter in my life. Part of me wants to cling to the person that I love more deeply than anything and potentially salvage this relationship. Selfishly, I don’t want to be a divorced 37 year old man. Nor do I want her to be alone. I don’t want either of us to have to suffer the embarrassment of a divorce. I believe divorce is wrong. I believe God allows divorce because our hearts are hard. I don’t believe it is right to marry someone else after a divorce. I feel like I can stick this out, or forever give up on the hope of sex, marriage, children, and family.

    Since I wrote this last paragraph she has agreed to come back home so long as I won’t be irritable and on edge toward her anymore. I feel like I am trapped in a cage. She just flat out asked me if I would marry her if given the chance again. I said, well … I would want to talk to you about what your picture of marriage was, what your expectations were for things like sex, home maintenance, etc. She thought this was incredibly rude for me to ask. None the less, she’s driving home as I post this article. Please pray that God will give me direction and that He will continue to hold me up.

    Sincerely,
    Broken

  • JulieSibert says: February 17th, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    @Broken... thank you for writing and sharing so authentically.

    Here is my very honest response to what you have written:

    1. Your wife is sinning by not engaging in what are normal Godly aspects of marriage... sex, partnering with her husband, mutually building a life with the man she married, taking to heart what God says about a husband and wife becoming one flesh.

    2. You are completely justified in expecting all forms of intimacy with your wife... sexual, emotional, spiritual, financial, mental, etc.

    3. I'm guessing your wife has huge past issues or past pain that you are not aware of (either sexual abuse, skewed theology from her family or church leaders), etc. If she is not willing to address these issues through counseling or other deep work, then she carries (in my opinion) nearly all of the fault for misleading you into believing that the marriage the two of you have would truly be a marriage, not a glorified roommate situation.

    4. It is not normal for a husband and wife to never have had sex. If you were to ask 100 random people if it seems normal for a husband and wife to have been married for as long as you have and to not even have had sex once, you would not find one person to say that was normal (or healthy).

    5. You are completely justified in lovingly, yet firmly, bringing your wife's sin to her attention, with the goal of encouraging her to study with you God's Word about marriage, to go with you to seek the wisdom of church elders and to heed what the scriptures and mature Bible-based Christians say about your situation.

    6. If she does not take any of this seriously and intentionally seek to repair and heal the deep pain and damage already done, then in my opinion she has already "left the marriage" (as defined in God's Word). I would seriously question if she is a true believer, although I recognize that those are heart issues between her and the Lord. However, if she is not willing to have a true marriage, then the reality is that you don't have one. She misled you. She lied to you. She was deceptive.

    She can't possibly think it is normal for a husband and wife to never have sex, can she?! If she told all her girlfriends and family members that the two of you have never had sex, my guess is they would look at her with complete disbelief.

    Regardless of whether she will go to counseling, at the minimum you need to go, in my opinion. You need the wisdom and insight of godly Christian men who will pray with you, guide you in the things of the Lord and help you discern what decisions to make about your future going forward.

    You say that you don't want to be alone or her to be alone.

    You are already alone. Clearly.

    I'm so sorry for your pain. I pray your wife humbles herself, seeks the Lord and His Word, and seeks to have a marriage that fully honors Him. You don't have that right now.

  • RB says: February 18th, 2013 at 12:51 am

    So am I breaking gods heart if I do not want sex with a husband who finds slit open women and splattered blood sexy? Who wants to be beat and peed on? Who tells me the only god he believes in is himself? Am I supposed to bring him to Christ? I am just disgusted and disheartened.

  • JulieSibert says: February 18th, 2013 at 10:25 am

    @RB.... I think God's heart is breaking more about the way your husband is treating you.

    If you have lovingly, yet firmly, expressed to him that these things are not arousing and you don't feel comfortable doing them... and he still is manipulative about it, it doesn't mean you have to do these things. You can express to him that you want to have sex, but you will not pee on him, hit him or allow him to do those things to you.

    I am concerned that your husband even sounds abusive. You may consider calling the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (http://www.ncadv.org/) for some insights, etc.

    Do you have a church home or at least one safe Christian woman who you can confide in? Having a mature sister in Christ who will pray with you, listen to you and offer you wise counsel would also be a start to some support.

    As for bringing him to Christ... the Holy Spirit is who brings someone to Christ. What you can do is seek to live a godly life, model Christ-like behavior in word and action, and (as the Word says), always be ready to give a reason for the hope you profess. But "bringing someone to Christ" does not involve being a sexual doormat.

    I'm saddened by the pain you are experiencing... I can completely understand why you are disheartened.

  • Kwala says: February 18th, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Great post Julie, interesting to see it's still going months later. I've condensed my post to a sentence or two now...
    Try telling my wife all the above!!!!! I have - and nothing works! And everything else you could ask me to do - change me, pray, seek God, buy flowers, rub feet, help around the house, pray for her - done it all, and nothing changes.
    God bless
    K

  • anonymous says: February 19th, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    My wife is currently denying me sex and has been since last july. she states that she wants me to get a vasectomy and until i do..she will refuse. when i told her that is unfair and i will not allow that..she said it was my choice. the two choices she gave me is vasectomy or that she would finish the divorce,that of which we bounced back from. i feel i am facing a death or death situation. she wont listen to me an it only creates harsh arguments. need advice!!

  • Working on It says: February 19th, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    @ Broken - Go find a marriage counselor - Today - With or without her. Every big church has someone who does counseling and can help. Your employer/insurance likely also has an anonymous counseling service for things like this - Ask your HR department for the 'personal help line' number for the insurance company. In my company it's available for things like addiction issues, etc. But I know they also cover counselors for all kinds of issues. There is nothing normal about your story. Really sorry for you, dude - go get some help!

    @ Other guys struggling to correct your derailed sex life. Check out these 2 books, 'The 5 love Languages' by Gary Chapman and 'The Way to Love Your Wife' by Penner & Penner. I have a hard time actually reading a book that isn't an engine manual, but these books have been extremely helpful. The second book is written specifically for men struggling in sex-starved marriages. Discusses things like how American men are conditioned from an early age to 'score' in sports, etc. and how that translates to 'scoring' in sex for teenage boys, etc. What does that look like 5 years into a marriage and how do you fix an attitude you didn't even know you had? It's really made me take a different approach to my wife and sex by explaining some things I never realized or thought about before ... and would never have figured out on my own. The answer isn't easy, and if you're like me, you'd normally go to your wife for help figuring out this sort of thing. In this case, she can't help. You have to find it on your own. But there IS and answer - swallow your pride and get to work finding the solution.

    One other helpful tidbit I found. Go make a calendar somewhere where you can keep track of your wife's period. Figure out which days sex is most likely/not likely so you aren't disappointed on days when there's no possibility of sex. (I know this is creepy, but read on..) Here's the deal - From the first day of her period, count 14 days to ovulation, and 14 more days after that to the next period (28 total). Mark days negative before ovulation and positive after. So the calendar looks like this; Period Starts, -13, -12, ... -2, -1, Ovulation, 13, 12, ... 2, 1, Period Starts, and so on. Keep track of the [few] days you have sex over a few months and it'll start to show a pattern. In my case days -4 through +5 are the best days. Days -14 through -5 are 'no way', and the rest are 'maybe'. It's really helped temper my enthusiasm on the low percentage days. I'd otherwise have no clue about this stuff and go to bed mad about 1/3 of the month.

    Hope this helps in some way.
    Good Luck!

  • JulieSibert says: February 20th, 2013 at 12:06 am

    @anonymous... regarding your wife's demand that you have a vasectomy.... is this because she does not want the two of you to explore any other form of birth control?

    I sense though that there are bigger issues going on. While it is reasonable for a husband and wife to have open discussions about the pros/cons of various types of birth control (including vasectomy), I don't think your refusal to get one is grounds for divorce on her part. Obviously you can't control what she does, but if she divorces you because you won't get a vasectomy, well I don't think that will hold up very well in God's eyes (sure, she could still go through with it, but as Hebrews 4:13 clearly says, we all will have to give account for how we have lived).

    The tension in your marriage is definitely a good opportunity to consider some marriage counseling, as a professional counselor is often exactly what a couple needs to move them past roadblocks and start generating some healthy dialogue.

    At the minimum, you may consider going to counseling on your own... not only to seek wise counsel/discernment, but also to demonstrate to her your commitment to do all that is within your power to strengthen the marriage.

  • Amandaluv says: February 21st, 2013 at 3:25 am

    Well ur post goes a long way 2 tell women not 2 withheld sex from deir husbands. In my case i have sex with ma husband just 2 please him coz i can't even remember when last i had an orgasm n he seems not 2 notice it. Once he attains orgasm,he gets down n d next tin is backing me n he dozes off immediately leaving me faustrated. Just little foreplay 2 get me wet n he is in already n out. In dis case whats d best way 2 handle it?i'v tried dialogue bt no improvement n its just a young marriage nt upto a mnth. I tink d best way is 2 keep 2 masef so dat he understnds by experiencing what i'v been experiencing....

  • hopeless in a failing marriage says: February 22nd, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Hello. I've only been married for a year. This is my second marriage, and I'm devastated. I've struggled with resorting to pornography whenever i feel unfulfilled. My wife had told me that porn is cheating and that she doesnt want to be married to a cheater, so i cant be honest with her and tell her what im doing. Its definitely a stronghold in my life and satan has defintely found a way. My wife and i only have sex maybe once a month, if I'm lucky, and if i ever bring it up, then she says shes sorry and understands how I feel, but it never gets me anywhere. I wish i could get her to read this article that you have wonderfully written, but it would just start an argument. I just dont know what to do anymore. I mean I'm definitely not a bad looking guy. I always get hit on and propositioned at work. Im afraid that if I'm ever caught in a weak moment that I may do something regretfully stupid and end up divorced again. I know that sex isn't everything in a marriage, but for me its important.

  • JulieSibert says: February 22nd, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    @hopeless in a failing marriage... thank you for courageously writing.

    For a marriage to be healthy and whole requires transparency and a shared commitment to address problems, to work toward nurtured intimacy, etc.

    I recognize completely that this is scary ground for you... to admit to your wife your struggle with porn. But the reality is that there are repercussions either way... If you do not admit to her and seek to heal the marriage, become a stronger healthier couple, etc., then you continue to live in mediocrity and in a lie. If you do admit to her, she could indeed decide to leave you, punish you through further withholding of sex, etc.

    BUT, at least in the last scenario... opening up about your struggle... there exists at least the possibility that she will recognize the pain and severity of the struggle and want to restore the marriage, support your journey toward healing, etc.

    I can't tell you what to do, but I'm fairly certain that if you do nothing, things will only deteriorate further on all levels... your relationship with God will continue to suffer, your relationship with your wife will suffer, your relationship will be characterized by growing distance, you'll see deeper into porn addiction, etc.

    At the minimum, I strongly encourage you to seek the wise counsel of a trusted godly Christian brother in Christ. You have to at least start opening up to someone who can give you insight on finding a ministry, resource and/or counseling to get at the heart of why you are turning to porn and how to make healthier choices away from it.

    Could the consequence of all this be that your wife leaves you? Possibly. But even if she did, yet you still ultimately healed from your porn addiction with the help of others, then at least you would have repaired your relationship with the Lord.

    These are painful painful things... not easy.

    But please do not stay stuck where you are. It's not doing you any good. Be courageous and reach out. You might be surprised in that your wife may actually appreciate the vulnerability and may indeed seek to heal the relationship.

  • Smarter than you says: February 22nd, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    You are a sick woman who has advocated for rape. In writing. You are not bright, obviously, missed a few college class in women's rights, but stop this: 2. If you deny your husband sex, you are breaking God's heart. Do not use women's weakness in reality to allow them to feel obligated to sex.

    It makes no sense. and with the revelation of a billion other galaxies and therefore earths, you're religion is one made of of millions. Stop spreading this. It's shameful.

  • Now I just feel bad for you says: February 22nd, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    You are clearly disturbed: 3. If you deny your husband sex, you are handing Satan the keys to your marriage.

    There is no Satan, poor thing. You need some science in your life. I know, you think you know better, based on no evidence (evidence has a definition, not "i think so?!?!".), but really get in touch with any university, they have classes online, they will help you, gain confidence and realize you're not sole purpose is to service someone else. Some sexual abuse law could really help bring you out of these books that were written hundreds of years after the occurrence of which they write. Honey, they're made up.

    Stop hating yourself and telling other women to do the same You are a very harmful person, telling men this is how women want to be treated. I hope you know you have blood on your hands, bc what you are touting is illegal behavior and the reason men think it is ok to treat women like prostitutes and Chris Brown is an acceptable figure.

    If this is how YOU like to be treated, keep it to yourself and seek treatment. Good luck and I hope you untangle yourself from the mask of religion to think clearly and see yourself as worthy of choice.

  • JulieSibert says: February 22nd, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    @Smarter than you... Wow, you sound angry. Thanks for stopping by though and taking the time to comment.

  • JulieSibert says: February 22nd, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    @Now I just feel bad for you... Hmmm... I think maybe you misunderstood the post. If not, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

    Thanks for taking the time to comment, though.

  • Farra says: February 25th, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Hi there,

    Let me get this out of the way fast, I am not religious, so you and your readers can determine if they want to continue reading, or not. I am a 32 year old woman married to a man who has a host of health issues (and yes, he is undergoing treatment/taking meds) and next to nil interest in sex. I found your blog while searching to see if I was out here alone. I knew I just couldn't be alone in this, but it appears that for a woman's drive to be higher than the man's is a bit out of the norm, or our largely male-centric society just doesn't acknowledge this.

    In any case, I have had to resort to using dildos and toys to pleasure myself, and I often do, several times a day some days. Every man I see that is remotely attractive, I want to pounce upon like a wild leopard in heat. I can't even go grocery shopping without seeing men that I would like to do some naked gymnastics with, all because my man is not taking care of me. I wonder do you ever care to address the females like myself, who NEED sex from our man, and WE feel rejected and ugly and unloved as well.

    To be honest, I thoroughly resent and get offended by religious perspectives on these kinds of matters, because they always make it into the issue and weight of the solution bearing square on the woman's shoulders. Do you ever address men who are remiss in satisfying their women? This is a real problem, that as I said earlier, does not get much airplay because it's almost taboo to suggest a man is anything short of virile and ready to go at the sight of some skin. So totally not true, because my man once was but is no more. It's so funny, women's issues are discussed all over with nonchalance, but with men having issues, we can even say he has a testosterone deficiency...it's "Low T" shame to even say the word. My goodness. How far we have to go.

    I also dislike how people are pitty pattying with male egos and emotions. We women have the same egos and emotions. We feel hurt when our partners reject us sexually too, just as much, if not more. I look good and I know I do. I have clear radiant skin, I exercise, I eat well, I am very thin and fit, and I am 5'10 and 129 lbs. I am not undesirable. I deserve my man to desire me and please me. We used to have sex all the time, but since his back problems and low testosterone issues began, there is no more sex for me. I know if I wanted I could find a "friend" to satisfy these needs, but contrary to what most religious people think of we atheists, not all of us are hedonistic self-servers. I wouldn't want to hurt him like that, but he is hurting me. I have spoken to him, and we are going to counseling...but what do I do with my libido in the meantime? Put it in a neat little box and tell it, "Never mind. You belong to a female. You aren't allowed to have needs. Just forget and baby the man that is tormenting your life."

    I'm not here to bash your beliefs, by why do you guilt these females so much, and never address the males who are doing damage? I don't even know why I posted this save for sheer desperation and sadness. Feel free to disregard.

  • JulieSibert says: February 25th, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    @Farra... thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I appreciate you stopping by.

    While myself and other bloggers often focus on women denying their husband's sex, we do hear from women facing circumstances like what you are facing.

    I have a page on my site that addresses this. Take a look at the posts on the link to the below page, as some of the links might be encouraging. Glean from what you read, as everything may not apply to your situation.

    I'm sad with you for what you are facing, but encouraged that you are seeking ideas, help, insights, etc.

    http://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/

    There also is a blog written by a high-drive wife... here is the link to it: http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com

    julie

  • AddMeIn says: February 28th, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    I must say this is one of the best posts with knowledge and wisdom I have ever read from a female blogger. It also hit home to me as well Julie. I am in the same boat with many other men in the world. I have been married for 6 years and My wife and I have been struggling back and forth on this issue. Throughout the years I found her with other men, then I tried to leave saying I was with other women. Long story short, we came together for resoultion to take care of our 2 kids, but here we are again back where we started. Not only do I feel rejected, I feel worthless and manipulated. It seems she will give it to anyone except me, and only wants it if I say Im fed up and leave or she wants more kids. I am a dummy and a idiot for falling for this woman, but I do Love her. I am a victim of pornography, and I try to look away and resist any woman who comes on to me. This is challenging for me, and I know it is Satan who keeps tempting me with everything but my wife. I am now in another state for a job, and she will be arriving shortly here with the kids, but I am thinking of giving her the papers and staying single. I do not want to go through this with anyone else, and I believe I need rehab for my porngraphy addiction. I know God is able to do all things, and I am glad that I read your post, and dont feel guilty about how I feel. Talking doesnt seem to work in my marriage, and the only excuses I hear is Im tired, headache..blah, blah. There was an instance when I begged her, and she laided on the bed like a dead body. They say there are no good men, but those that are left are easily used as toss buckets. Thanks Again Julie

  • james says: March 1st, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    I like this article, probably too little to late for me, I already asked my spouse for a divorce.

  • evelyn says: March 3rd, 2013 at 11:11 am

    What if you know about him & found condoms in the car that he & I sure &what if its because you talked to him about spending time with you outside the bedroom & nothing happens,what if I'm the one feeling denied

  • Broken Heart says: March 3rd, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    I have been struggling with sex in my marriage since the 2nd month after the wedding. I have talked t my wife many, many time over and over again, I have gone from 250 to 160 lbs. I have done romantic stuff, I have tried foreplay, asked her what she wants. I have asked her for affection, kisses and more. I have been flexible with her in all what she asked for and still the same. You are right about opening doors to sin. Lately have been fighting with pornography to satisfy my sex drive. This was never the plan GOD designed for me, but I am really to the point that is this or getting out of my marriage. I cannot be unfaithful with my wife even if I want to. There is some thing that hold me back and I know is God. I am really tired of the same result, she said she will change but I don't see it. I feel she is not attracted to me and she is with me just for commitment and not love me at all. This has been a long 10+years battle. I have enrolled in different sports and activities to distract my mind and exhaust my body, but all these things are not enough. Any advice will be well taken.

  • JulieSibert says: March 3rd, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    @Broken Heart.... Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am saddened by what you are experiencing.

    It seems your wife doesn't understand the depth of your pain or she does and is just plain mean. If she is open to marriage counseling, definitely go. If she is not, write her a letter explaining how the lack of intimacy is painful and not what you envisioned for being married to the woman you love. If she doesn't grasp the seriousness of all this and doesn't make effort to genuinely make improvements toward healthier sexual connection, then I suggest you go to a Christian counselor on your own.... one to get the wisdom/insights of someone else and also to demonstrate to your wife how deeply serious you are about improving the marriage and doing whatever you can as far as you are concerned.

  • Judy says: March 5th, 2013 at 9:34 am

    After reading all the comments on this particular post,I find myself to be so thankful for my loving husband,and the wonderful sex life we share. I have always been a very submissive wife for him,...I never say no,even at times when I am not prepared for his unpredictable mountings. It may be in the kitchen while fixing dinner,..it might be while I'm taking a shower,it may happen in our yard,I just never know,and even though I don't climax during many of these so called "quickies",..just knowing my husband is very sexually attracted to me ,and the fact he can't hold off til bed time,is more than enough satisfaction for me! I have often thought what our sex life would be like at this point,should I have turned him down,..denied him sex in other locations outside of our bedroom. I'm so glad he clearly knows,... what's between my legs, is open for business 24/7.............

    Judy

  • Ken says: March 9th, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Wow. This is so so very true. I wish my wife would read this. I don't know if I can take it much longer.

  • Paul says: March 10th, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    Unfortunately, when this type of situation goes on for years, hate builds and you just end up giving up. You stay for the kids that you have that you basically destroyed, because all they ever saw was a mother more interested in a can of Pledge then putting her arms around her husband when he came home. As a Christian she knew her obligation to the marriage, but decided that a good Confession would take care of all her problems. Now the kids are both doing their own things and could care less about our family, or the lack of a family. So now when life was supposed to be happy being emptynesters we now stare into space and wait to go to sleep. She in our bed and me in my kids. I'm tired of arguing and basically tired of all the fingers pointing. I have taken this as a personal attack and I can never forgive her for it. Even if our sex lives were to start up again, I would look at it as a forced situation that is basically a chore and not a desire. I'm Done!!

  • McKenzie says: March 11th, 2013 at 11:27 am

    @Paul, my heart truly breaks for you and your situation! Reading your words I can hear your pain. Although I am only six years into my marriage with two little ones, it wasn't that long ago I was headed down your path. It wasn't until I went searching for info backing me up that I found these blogs and God changed my heart. Now I get up with my girls and play and do arts and crafts for daddy and then while they take naps I clean the house and shower and try and to look my best for when my husband comes home. Then it's all about him when he walks through the doors. I know for me that during our dark time I had just had two babies and gained a lot of weight from those pregnancies back to back and had stretch mark galore and felt utterly unloveable and that made me push my husband away to the point of sleeping in different rooms to completely avoid any kind of intimacy. I didn't realize during this time he was on his knees in prayer. Everyday and night. That, I believe, is what saved me and our marriage. We were able to have the most honest conversation we had ever had. I told him how I felt about my body and that was the reason for my attitude towards him to push him away, and he told me how incredibly beautiful he thought I was, and that this body is what gave him his two beautiful girls and for that he would be forever grateful. I learned the pain he truly felt, and how he gave it all to Him everytime he felt pain. Today we have the most amazing marriage and sex life that can be imagined. I guess my point is you never can tell what outcome God has for you while you are in the spiritual "weight/wait room", but while your are building your spiritual muscles know it is is something worth fighting for! Don't let the enemy win, he wants that very badly. He is in your corner cheering you on feeding your resentment, but let God be in your corner. Maybe there is a breakthrough in your future and I will be praying that for you, it is never too late. I have read enough testimonies on these blogs to know it can happen to more than just me! May God be always be by your side!

  • Paul says: March 11th, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Thank you McKiinzie, your words are sweet, and I thank you for caring. You have a long life ahead with your little ones and your loving husband. I look around my house at all the memorabila that was purchased for Mom's Day, Christmas, birthdays, love note written on the bottom of very expensive statues, and none of that meant a damn to her. I was not the person she wanted and she made that very evident throughout the almost 30 years we've been together. As I said I appreciate your words and thank you from the bottom of my heart, but I'm pretty burned out.

  • Nimay says: March 24th, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    We are just in beginning of our 30s, met each other when we were 27, kept on meeting on weekends following 2 years (..those were the days..) and married @ 29 have kid by the time we turned 30. We are pretty normal built (though smaller´I 5'5" and wife 5'2")

    I thought I was alone who was denied almost on daily basis. In a good week we have intercourse 2 times, rest of the weeks remain binary ranging from 0 to 1.

    Initially I thought that taking care of our only child was making her tired so I tried everything to take almost complete burden of household work which may make her tired. For example laundry, buying grocery, cleaning utensils. Although KG where my child goes is too near from the place we live but I take break from office to bring my child to KG and take a break again to bring her back in mama's lap and then go to office again.

    She will ask me to wait till she brings our child in bed and then she does not return because she says she becomes cozy and feel like sleeping. Sometimes I keep on waiting for 2-3 hours in hope which I do know will be shaken most of the times.

    My wife is not having any affair and am sure about it. I do not know what I can do? And now comes the ultimate! She even says that I could find a girl friend for satisfaction or even go to prostitute instead of begging her all the times. Many times I end up alone helping myself mostly thinking about our per-marriage love and few times seeing adult videos which make me feel krank later. What do you tell such husbands? Starting affair is for me out of question. I want my kid to grow up with strong moral values and should always be seeing his parents as an example couple.

  • Nimay says: March 24th, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    @Julie.
    I wish a miracle happens and my wife start thinking the way you do. This is so true what you wrote. Am sure many many men on this planet find their wives attractive. They need not be slim or BBs. Having one good love makes me feel good for coming 3-4 days, I feel so healthy and important and valued that God built beauty (here I mean my wife) allowed me.. But I think we have a long way to go before she starts thinking this way. I just wish that she reads this page accidentally and goes through your comments.

  • JulieSibert says: March 24th, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    @Nimay... that is sad that your wife says you could get a girlfriend or go to a prostitute. Definitely don't do this. I would encourage you to not look at adult movies either.

    I know this is probably not much consolation, but if you are having sex on average once a week, that really is not that out of the ordinary. However, I understand why you want more sex.

    Possibly write your wife a letter, expressing to her that you were hoping twice a week for sexual intimacy would be better. Somehow the two of you need to strive toward a healthy compromise. Emphasize to her that it's not just about sex, but about your deep desire to connect with the woman he loves and treasures so much.

    Also seek to strengthen your relationship in other areas as well... not just with helping with household duties, but also with nurturing the friendship the two of you share... spending time together, enjoying activities together, etc., getting away for a date night every now and then.

    If you feel that the intimacy not being at the level you would prefer is causing significant division and difficulties, suggest counseling. If she is not open to going, I suggest you going on your own to seek insights and coping strategies.

  • Nimay says: March 25th, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Thank you that you replied Julie.

    We go out on vacation at least 3 times in a year. Each vacation lasts more than a week. Initially I thought that might be refreshing because we usually do not visit big polluted cities but rather countryside which she really loves but even that has not helped. Going out on Saturday makes her tired because it disturbs (according to her) routine and she goes especially on that day early to bed. Same is during vacation.

    German society is rather conservative when it comes to marriage counseling but have heard in big cities they have already started such a service. I am tired of begging and bugging her.

  • susie says: April 29th, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I stumbled across this article recently and it's by far the best article on sexless marriage I've come across. It helped me realize that my husband and I aren't alone.

    I hope that Paul and all the men and women out there in a sexless marriage will learn from my mistakes and show their significant other this letter and the damage they're causing my denying their spouse sex.

    My husband and I will be married 25 years this fall. We have three boys now in there late teens and early 20's. We have overcome everything you can imagine in our marriage, but this nearly destroyed us.

    We married very young, right out of college and until 2003 had a good marriage and sexual relationship. To make a long story short, I completely lost my sex drive after a hysterectomy in my early 30's. I went from a healthy sex drive to hating sex. My doctor didn't believe me because my ovaries were left intact and my lab work showed that after six months, I was producing normal hormone levels. I knew differently and struggled for years trying to find someone who would listen to me. Nine years later, I found a family practice doctor that did listen and re-checked my levels and found my fsh was so high that I had probably been in menopause for years. I've read that sometimes just the shock of surgery can send you into menopause. My testosterone was almost zero and he sent me to a pharmacist that deals with bioidentical hormone therapy and I was started on hormone therapy and within weeks my sex drive returned enourmously! I felt I had my life back....I did, but it was too late, the damage was done from all the years of denying him sex. Six weeks after starting hormone therapy, I came across a website my husband had been frequenting for several years and had been visiting prostitutes. Before you judge my spouse or why I stayed in the relationship, let me tell you how I treated him. What he did was completely wrong, but looking back I'm not sure I wouldn't have done the same.

    My spouse was never my priority even prior to menopause, but it worsened after menopause. He would always tell me the kids and the dog came first and he was right. I know now that putting your marriage first, makes for a happy home. I didn't kiss my husband for 8 years and we had sex every 4 to 6 weeks and it felt like an obligation. I just wanted it over....We became friends that lived together and it worked for me because all my needs were being met. He helped with the kids, cooked most of the meals and I was spoiled and happy. He would bring me flowers and tried everything to keep our marriage strong and I plain and simply...didn't care. I remember thinking, what is he going to do, leave me, have an affair or worse...never, he would never do that. I remember him being so stressed he blurted out in front of the kids that he hated his life. He told me it wasn't natural to deny your partner sex and I disagreed stating that all changes after having kids. My oldest son remembers him crying and sitting in the garage alone. I remember the day he told me how lonely he was and that if the cat didn't get fed at home, it would find food elsewhere. I remember thinking...he would never do that. Well he did, he was starving for attention and found it with prostitutes.
    Now that I have my sex drive back, I can't imagine going through a sexless marriage and the feeling that intamacy brings.

    It's been a year since I discovered his secret. Initially, I just wanted to die. I went into a deep depression and started numerous meds to ease the pain. We talked, cried and had terrible fights. I decided to stay because I loved him so much and didn't want to throw all we had built away and destroy our family. We recently told the children because they noticed the tension and it was wearing on them. I was surprised to hear my oldest son say he never saw any affection between us as a child and how shocked he was to see us hug and kiss over the last year. My other son basically told us how strong we were to survive all we had and by still trying to work things out, said a lot about our relationship. I think about it everyday and pray for the day I don't. We're in a totally different place now and we both love each other more than we ever have. Yes, trust is still and issue and I will never forget. I also failed to mention I broke our vows two years into the marriage and he forgave me and the situation was beyond horrible and I have deep regrets.

    To all the women and men out there denying your partner a healthy sexual relationship....heed my warning...your walking on thin ice. Sex is a HUGE part of a healthy marriage and you will eventually be alone...as I nearly was ;(

    Thanks for the great article Julie...

    Susie

  • JulieSibert says: April 29th, 2013 at 11:29 am

    @Susie... thank you so much for your deep vulnerability and honesty in sharing so intimately about your journey and the heartache your marriage has endured. It takes courage to share this authentically.

    I think your words will have an effect on countless people... people you and I may never know about this side of Heaven.

    I'm grateful your marriage has survived and that you and your husband are in the process of trying to overcome the pain and division that was built up over years.

    Thank you again for sharing...

  • Susie says: April 30th, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Julie,

    Thank you for responding. I cried when I read your response and the fact that you didn't judge me. I pray others will learn from our mistakes and save their marriage.

    I was prepared for the comments regarding staying with a man who visited prostitutes. I prefer to look at the situation differently. How can I leave the love of my life that did everything right other than making one big mistake in having sex outside the marriage. God forgives me for my sins...how can I deny my husband the same.

    For months I wanted to write the prostitutes he visited and tell them what horrible people they're, but after deep thought I realized they're suffering too. What little girl grows up to say, "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up"? They don't, they're struggling too to give their self worth and esteem away so easily. I can't imagine the fear of never knowing who is going to walk through that door and what disease their clients may carry. Many don't realize that unprotected oral sex is just as dangerous as unprotected sexual intercourse. I read one prostitute tell men how to buy a hobby phone and hide it from their spouse or significant other. I wanted to email her and give her a mouthful, but it wouldn't change her way of thinking. I can only pray that someday she will come around. I can only forgive them and hope they eventually find their way.

    Thanks again, this blog has helped me tremendously!

    Susie

  • JulieSibert says: April 30th, 2013 at 11:28 am

    @Susie... thank you again for commenting. Of course I wouldn't judge you. It sounds like you have a very humble and compassionate heart, and that is exactly what is needed in so many marriages. I was blessed by all that you shared so authentically.

    I would love to connect with you more and see if I can use your comment (anonymously of course) as a blog posting. I believe strongly that when people share so genuinely as you have, it is great encouragement to others who may be in similar circumstances.

    Please email me at jksibert@cox.net.

    Thank you!

  • Susie says: April 30th, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Julie,

    Thank you for your nice comments. Absolutely, I would love you to share my comments. I noticed my grammer was poor because I wrote it from my heart, so you may need to touch it up.

    I actually avoided many blogs dealing with infidelity, because the comments were often in favor of leaving your spouse and that wasn't the direction I was going. I needed to stay positive and didn't need anymore depression than I already had.

    This was the only site I felt comfortable with sharing my feelings. Thank you for allowing me to share.

    Susie

  • JulieSibert says: May 1st, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    @Susie.... Thank you! I will let you know when I have the post up.

    Many blessings to you...

  • Danny says: May 4th, 2013 at 9:53 am

    This is a great article, so true. It's not really about the lack of sex, its about the lack of closeness and intimacy. For the last 10 years my wife has all but refused to have a sexual relationship with me, we went for 2 and a half years at one point without ever having sexual intimacy. For the rest of that time we had sex about 3 times a year...yes a year. To me, this was a true reflection of the warmth, affection, love, care and intimacy that existed in the relationship, it was a terribly sad and lonely life for me. I can not tell you the amount of pain and disappointment this caused me, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I came to the conclusion that my wife despised me, and it seemed there was nothing that I could do to fix things. We went to marriage Counselling but could not break through. Finally I told my wife that I wanted a divorce. A few days later she told me that she had been sexually abused by two of her relatives, she had kept this secret from me for the 16 years of our marriage. This changed a lot about how I felt and thought about the neglect that I had experienced for 10 years, but it didn't undo the damage, she had destroyed my sense of self worth. We are now separated and probably heading for a divorce. Denying your husband a sexual relationship is one of the most hurtful things that you could ever do to a man, and don't deceive yourself that it is ok, it is not ok! If you have an issue with having a sexual relationship with your husband, CONFRONT THE ISSUES AND DEAL WITH THEM. If you don't, your marriage is almost certainly headed for disaster.

  • TheRulesAreWrittenFollowThem says: June 7th, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    It is written.... YOUR DESIRE SHALL BE TOWARDS YOUR HUSBAND AND HE SHALL RULE OVER YOU ALL OF YOUR DAYS. Argue against or Ignore or Deny that which came straight from our Creator& rule maker and you are in Rebellion. Period. Your desire shall be towards your husband in ALL matters. If you're too tired.... make needed adjustments in your daily activities to NOT be too tired for him. Basically, the selfish wife tears her husband down. The prudent wife builds him up. It's the duty of the wife to build that man up!!! To be his helpmate in ALL areas. Don't bother disagreeing because your "feelings" don't take priority over the Written Word. Be a good wife and reap the rewards either in marriage or later with the Rule Maker or Both. Be selfish and reap what you sow. I am not addressing husbands (bad or good) because THAT wasn't the subject of the topic. Good post Julie.

  • Liz says: June 15th, 2013 at 4:10 am

    Wow! I needed to hear from Christians in my hurt. I denied my husband sex today because he hardly communicates with me. We are both college professors. He does not want to know what challenges I am going through at work. I have challenges with some of his family members, he ignores it and leaves me to work it out myself. if I mention the behaviour of his younger one who is often rude to me, he gives an excuse for the behaviour, but always wants me to be at my best behaviour to him. He is fiercely devoted to his family of orientation. He leaves me to bother about our children's welfare while he pursues that of his sister's children. I feel hurt, he hardly communicates with me then suddenly I feel a hand on my breast at night fumbling to have fun. After that he turns away. No, I had to deny him today, I am more like an unpaid maid. I feel used by him. I really do need help. Maybe I am still carrying a grudge in my heart that he probably does not love me but married me (he told his friend) because of an inheritance left for me by a grandparent. He always wanted me to be financially responsible to him and provide all his needs. I did so for years. The inheritance is long finished. We have been married for 25 years and I still feel used. Oh I need help.

  • JulieSibert says: June 15th, 2013 at 10:43 am

    @Liz... thank you for your comment and sharing so vulnerably. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. From what you have shared, your husband is clearly not taking care of the marriage the way he should as a husband.

    My encouragement to you is that you suggest the two of you go to Christian counseling. My guess is he will refuse, but even if he does, go on your own. Not only will it give you the insights of a third party, it also will demonstrate to your husband that you are committed to doing what you can to address issues and strengthen the marriage.

    Also, do you have 2-3 safe female Christian confidantes who are mature who you can pray with? I am talking about Christian women who will not bash your husband, but will listen non-judgmentally, will encourage you right where you are and will pray for you and with you. This kind of support can be so vital when we are in the midst of valley times in life.

    How often do you and your husband get to spend time just the two of you away from the kids? In other words, are there baby steps you can take to start strengthening the friendship between you... maybe going to some community activities together or out to dinner or even on a walk. Express to him that you really want the two of you to strengthen all aspects of your intimacy, including the physical, but also the emotional connection.

    I hope some of the suggestions help. I feel for your pain and I know many others experience the same thing. My prayer is that even little improvements can add up to something stronger and that hopefully your husband will see what he has to lose if he doesn't start nurturing his marriage.

  • Mrs.B says: July 24th, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Now that you have eloquently conveyed one more time how wrong wives are to deny sex please do a post to husbands who deny sex. I'm a lonely sex starved wife. And rarely do I find anything from a Christian perspective directed toward husbands who withhold sex.

  • JulieSibert says: July 24th, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Mrs.B... thank you for your comment. I do have a page on my site for wives who want more sex and aren't getting it. You may find some helpful information there:

    http://intimacyinmarriage.com/resources/blogs-and-websites/wives-who-want-more-sex-and-arent-getting-it/

    I also will try to write a post soon that addresses this matter. Thanks for commenting.

  • bina says: July 31st, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    What if you do give your husband sex all the time. But he still insists on constant fantasy talk about you with other men and practically begs you to make him your cuckhold even though he is supposed to be a christian? Do you have any articles on that? What about us women who do it all and it still isn't enough?

  • Jack says: July 31st, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Thank you Julie. I've been struggling with the lack of sexual intimacy for over 8 years. The 24 years prior were healthy marital sexuality. As a Christian man, yours is the first blog/article that resonated with me -- most are just rants or non-sensical semantics. Granted I miss the actual act of sex which my wife has been denying me, but more than that is the one-to-one intimacy that it engenders. Denial also breaks down the trust bonds within the relationship, because it becomes very difficult to trust a partner that has made an arbitrary decison that so strongly impacts the relationship. You're right too about the temptations. Satan is always lurking and patiently waiting for an opportunity to take advantage of a weakness. Luckily I haven't fallen prey, but the temptations are definitely out there. In other respects my wife is loving and caring, and has gone to a Christian-based therapist for help and guidance, but nothing seems to be making any headway on this issue. We have normal health issues of people in their mid-sixties, but nothing that would prevent intimacy. I remain puzzled, but committed to the marriage, and simply appreciate the opportunity to voice my feelings. Due to position within the community, there's really not anyone that I can talk with and be totally assured of their discretion. I am also guilty in that I find it impossible to cuddle with her at night because I end up frustrated -- and I've explained that to her, but she just smiles and says ok. About a year into this period, I thought it might have been my diminished levels of performance due to some heart medication. Talked with my doctor about it and he gave me a sample of Viagra to try. When she saw it, she simply laughed and asked where and when I thought I was going to use that. Obviously it sits unopened and she continually asks when I'm going to throw it away. It all continues to go downhill, but I continue to pray for acceptance and strength. Thanks for being an ear for me.

  • JulieSibert says: July 31st, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    @Jack... thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I'm saddened with you about what you are experiencing, as it does sound like you genuinely are trying to bring healthy change to the situation.

    @bina... your husband is completely out of line and walking in sin if he expects you to participate in fantasy talk about you and other men, etc. Clearly, yet firmly, express your refusal to do this. Tell him you want sexual intimacy that is exclusive (in thought and action) to the two of you. If he continues to demand sex that is skewed beyond that biblical boundary, tell him you want the two of you to go to a Christian counselor and/or a mature Christian mentor. I am so sorry your husband is not treating you as Christ would have him treat you.

  • Andy says: August 2nd, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Hi

    I am glad to hear someone posting a blog about this issue. I've been married for 9 years and I could count with my both hands the number of time my wife had sex with me. we produced two kids 4 and 6 and they are such joy to me. My wife is the first person I ever had sex with and she would be the only 1 I would want to have sexual intimacy with. We haven't had any sex since the conceiving of our second child and so it has bee five years. I am not a perfect husband; though I honestly trying to improve in what I do and who I am. I was so devastated after all the years of rejections and we've been keeping separate room so making my coping easier. She never initiate sex not even once. Someone once say the wife you married can either make you or break you and that's certainly true.

    I live in the daily regret that why I made such a foolish choice when I asked her to marry me 10 years ago. I have a son and a daughter and I wonder how I can teach them when they grow up about choosing the right mate is so critical in the future success. I was one of those that believe if I love my wife and that would be an enough motivation for her to respond likewise. How foolish was I?

    Wife who denies their husband sometime rooted in the deep disrespect for her husband. My wife will often say that she despises the kind of live I gave her that she wants to be able to freely spend on things she wanted without any concern for the money. It seems my low 6 figure salary makes her feel we are so poor. I am glad to find your blog and glad to know I am not alone with the problem and even more glad to know it's a woman who wrote it. I often heard from my wife that since you didn't do what I want so why should I do what you want. It seems sexual intimacy is a business trade deal. I am not so sure that I am capable to satisfy her in everything. I don't think even God can :-)

    I read a wonderful book called Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage few years ago when it was first published and I must say it's a great resource for men and women, especially for men who feel they are in the rot. Please know there is a lot more to life than marriage.

  • Andy says: August 2nd, 2013 at 11:21 am

    @ Paul
    As I read more responses from this post and I am glad to find that my situation is not the only one or the worst. Like you I also experiences what you felt. The depression could get so bad that I sometime felt death could be the easiest way out. For a while I stopped taking care myself in what I eat or how little sleep I got. However, I thought about my two little kids and got me thinking. After 9 years and 5 years without any form of sexual relationship, I am very doubtful that anything will change on her side.

    My youngest is 4 and I know in 15 years as soon as I helped packed my daughter to college, I will pack mine because I think that will be all I can handle humanly speaking. Like you I deeply regret I married her and I often relive the memory of when I asked her to marry me. I often wonder why God didn't do something at that moment so I would change the course, better yet, never met her.

    Women need to understand that their husband is very easy to maintain and please. I never ask my wife for anything except one thing. It's both comical and tragic that's the very thing you can't have.

  • yaa says: August 13th, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    This is a very interesting blog. My husband sent me this blog so I take it he wants more sex with me. Stress takes my mind off sex so will try n be dirty a bit, cook less n wash less. This shd bring excess time on hand n keep me relaxed for sex at any time t.

  • Anonymous says: August 19th, 2013 at 9:38 am

    This article interested me, mostly for what it DIDN'T say. The "children" part doesn't apply to us...my husband's children are grown and we have none.

    It's not that I "deny" my husband sex...it's more that his behavior makes me dread sex or even hate it. And he RARELY initiates sex, I almost always do, but he complains about "never" having sex.

    He reads porn stories constantly (he calls it "erotica", like that's different from porn). He rarely touches me unless he wants sex. An occasional kiss when he gets home from work, occasionally grabs my butt (which really turns me off when it is not accompanied by any other kind of affectionate touch). Furthermore...when he's been reading porn for hours...right in front of me...I really HAVE no interest in having sex with him. Why would I when he obviously prefers the computer?

    He just about always waits until we get into bed late at night and then if he wants sex he either grabs my breast or shoves his hand into my crotch. This makes me want to scream and tell him to get away from me. It turns me so cold that for me to even TRY to move forward and have sex is almost impossible.

    It's not that I don't want to have sex...I DO! And frequently...but I want some time spent on me...I want some AFFECTIONATE touch. And I want him to prefer ME to the computer "sex".

    Why is that men just don't "GET" that they would be able to have all the sex they could possibly want if they just took the time to be loving and affectionate with their wives? Touch your wife NON-SEXUALLY frequently and you will have all the sex you want!

    It's not just a simple matter of "denying" my husband sex. He has as much responsibility here as I do. My husband is not a believer, and has refused for us to go to counseling. I am stuck. I love him dearly, but that love and commitment is being sorely tested.

  • Amy says: September 2nd, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    I just love to read Julie's articles! I've written her before!
    I would like to say that I'm not the gal who is depriving my husband. I would give any thing to have him touch me, but that hasn't happened in 45+ years. Before the ink was dry on our wedding license, I was considered a nobody. I've lived alone all these years he has lived in our basement and I upstairs all these years. I saved myself for him but he didn't care at all. I stayed for the money and benefits, my anti-depressants keep me sane.

  • maria says: September 22nd, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Great post. Thank you and God bless you

  • WH says: September 28th, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    @Anonymous on Aug 19: Julie has a great article (several, actually) on your very situation. See if you can get your husband to read them. I certainly believe romance is required for intimacy. Email Julie if you have difficulty finding the articles. What your husband needs to know (I'm a husband) is that intimacy is sooo much better with romance. He's literally throwing away the love of a lifetime by not courting you, and you need to tell him that. I touch and caress and probably grope my wife all the time, she doesn't seem to mind. Please read up on Julie's articles and press forward with addressing this issue before your husband shuts off the love you have for him.

  • Deewhy69 says: October 15th, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    So true what you expressed in your article. I am so wounded. It has been almost 18 months and my spouse continues to reject me. I had no affair and always point us to Christ to handle any problems or conflicts. She also made some very bad decisions and choices and refuse to allow Christ to be the center of our marriage. I am so tired and ready to remove myself. We have 5 kids that I feel like I am raising alone. I am just so tired.

  • Mike says: November 26th, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Right now in pain,frustration,denial and all sorts excommunication this brought about. I promised my God and myself that I wouldn't cheat . My wife has been absolutely frustrating me...It is totally disheartening. I have on many occasions let her understand my stand in our marriage.We have had discussions over discussions concerning this issue many times that i cant think of; Her excuses has always been the same thing over and over again: tired, sleepy,my back hurts,i dont like sex,is too early in the morning,let wait till nite time,dont wake me up when im sleeping,you are such a guy,you like sex too much,go get a life,is that all you know,is that all you think about and so on,i could see the hate in her voice if i put my hand on her boobs sometimes while we are in bed " Dont touch me" and if she want to have sex she will have her way whenever she wants me,I have told her many times that dont think im weak that you can have sex with me whenever you wanted to,I am not not on your schedule,when it comes to when I want to have sex,it becomes a struggle,two wrong can never makes a right,.....Pls,our union is going to be 5 years in January 17 ,2013 and we are still fighting over sex. We have 2 kids and I love my family. At this point i dont thinks it really makes sense for us fighting over sex all the time ,for almost 5 years now in all honesty, I dont enjoy my wife when it comes to sex...She has called me sex maniac ! At this point,it looks like I am making up my mind never to bother her anymore. But, I will ask God for forgiveness if i ever sin. Amen.

  • nicole says: December 11th, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Julie,

    Although I see your point... how would you deal with this? I need advice...

    My husband says I vowed to obey him when we got married, which means having sex with him whenever he wants... I enjoy sex, but I do not want it on the same frequency he does...

    I have started to resent him for how he treats me when he does not get sex. So that even when I am or could be in the mood I no longer want to because his personality is so unattractive.

    For example, when I had a migraine and said I was not in the mood because of said migraine I was told I was lazy and never wanted to have sex (because never means we had sex the other day). I was yelled at and chased around the house until I give in and have sex.

    How do you keep forgiving someone who has not changed? Who has not even cared to see the disrespect that is shown? In the 4 yrs we have been together things have come up where he has not understood when I have not wanted to have sex, the day after my favorite uncle passed, the night we got back from a 14 hr road trip, and mornings I am on my way to work and he expects me to be late. Or if sex does not happen exactly the way or position he wants he is upset, he takes no effort for any foreplay but blames me when I am not aroused. How am I supposed to physically be attracted to someone who has associated so many bad memories with sex.

    Once again, this is not all the time, but frequent enough to have left a mark, especially when there is no change. When I communicate with him about it, same day, days after.. any time I bring it up I am told it is my duty and that the reason I do not want to do it is because I am lazy. We can just get finished having sex and I am told we never have it. We work opposite shifts with some days where I do not get to see him and still have sexual intimacy 3-4 times a week.

    ANY time I saw I am not in the mood he fights me. Sometimes where is has almost come down to physical abuse. So this article hurts to read because I feel it only gives him more ammunition to not care or even consider how I feel since I just need to always give into his sexual desires to make sure he is happy.

  • JulieSibert says: December 11th, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    @nicole… thank you for your comment. I am sorry for the way your husband is sometimes treating with regard to sex. He clearly is not honoring you and respecting you and treasuring you as he is commanded to do in God's Word.

    I do not have easy answers. If you have tried to calmly, yet clearly, express to him how his behavior makes you feel, and he still is indifferent to treating you better, then I encourage you to seek support. Do you have one or two mature Christian women who you could confide in and pray with? These would be women who could listen without bashing your husband, pray specifically for your marriage, offer godly insights, etc.

    Also, you may consider the book Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage. There are also a couple other books out there that may have good insights, including "How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong" and "10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages."

    I'm not saying everything in those resources would apply, but like I said… you might glean from them a few good insights that will help you navigate.

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't have easy answers, but I do know the Lord sees your pain and He too desires that your husband start taking his marriage commitment seriously.

  • Shane S says: January 25th, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    If your denying your husband sex, your going to wake up some day and find he is having sex with someone else.

  • christabel says: January 30th, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    very good teaching.

  • Sean says: February 5th, 2014 at 10:02 am

    This article should be posted in every church bulletin in the country!

  • TC G says: February 5th, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    Julie I thank U for sharing this blog. It says exactly what I feel. I pray to God to remove all the things that my wife places before me above me and denying me by staying seperated from me. I love her with all of me and I have no desire to be with another woman because I love her. Another woman makes me feel dirty and sinful. I'm tired of being called stupid for waiting on my wife and I'm starving big time. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this I want to please God first my flesh is weakening and I know that God has a blessing in store for the both of us if she will only conform to the marriage as he ordains it to be. I want to know what happiness feels like again as God intended it to be.

  • Anonymous says: February 11th, 2014 at 7:59 am

    Good article. I think "spouse" should be used in place of "husband"!

    And might be helpful linking articles to: effects of denying your spouse emotional connection//intimacy (and definition of emotional intimacy), how to deal with sexual abuse issues and attitudes (and effects of not dealing w them on your life and relationship), a foreplay guide (quite a few wives commenting on husband not knowing more than grabbing breasts and vagina and this is a big turn off), differences of fe/male arousal and desire, how to begin having conversations about your sexual relationship (a lot of people go into marriage having never had mature discussions about sex with anyone), how to have healthy confrontations in marriage

  • Melissa says: March 21st, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    So I guess the man has no fault in this situation? What about when he doesn't provide for the family? Or is never at home? Don't you think a normal woman would want to have sex with a "real man"? Well once the woman has to take the role of the provider and care taker, there is little need in a man. So I hope you are lavishing your wife with all the financial stability she needs or else you deserve to not have sex.

  • Melissa says: March 21st, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    And the thoughts of him leaving me for no sex! Well there's a hooker on every corner if he wants so go ahead! Women everyone don't be so blind...you are worth more than a sex object! Ugh I could vomit on this article!

  • JulieSibert says: March 21st, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    @Melissa… Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm sorry to hear your pain and frustration. Certainly I think husbands and wives both have responsibility to nurture the marriage.

    Obviously, there are countless examples of when husbands do not take care of the marriage. There are also countless examples of when wives don't.

    One blog post cannot cover every scenario, but my hope with this particular post is to speak to those wives who have been careless with their marriages. I have also written posts that speak to men who have been careless as well.

    Anyway, thank you for commenting. I appreciate that.

  • Lost Husband says: April 17th, 2014 at 8:50 am

    I been with my wife for 18 years and married for almost 15. We have no sex life at all. The sex life was great when we where first married. We have three children 13-11- 5.5. There is no form of physical contact let alone sex. We have not had sex in almost 5 years, and before that was only 2 times in 3.5 years, with on time being our last child (planned). I am to the point that I do not even try. She has claimed it is medical, however the Dr's can not find anything wrong with her. She states its me becasue I get upset about it or that I am verbaly abusive (which I am not). Her parents where 20 years apart and had little to no relation ship. Her father (stepfather) was not very active in her life, He did not ever raise his voice or say anything. When I yell at my kids she thinks I am being mean and abusive. I grew up in an abusive home, I try to make sure I am not the same way. I can not help that I have a deep and loud voice that might be scary to a child. I love my wife and my children. I just fear now that my wife does not love me or at a min is not in love with me. She is always telling me how to act, what to say, what I am doint wrong. If I even dare say anything to her it turns into your being abusive again.

    I am know to the point I want out - I just can not bring myself to being apart from my kids.
    I keep praying about this asking GOD to help my marrige and to give me wisdom and direction. It seems he is leading me out.

    HELP I am lost.

  • JulieSibert says: April 17th, 2014 at 9:05 am

    @Lost Husband… have you suggested counseling to your wife? Maybe approach it from the tone that you want a marriage that is strong and thriving, not merely existing…. that you love her, but that the lack of intimacy (all intimacy…emotional, physical, spiritual) is very difficult and discouraging for you.

    I don't have easy answers, but I encourage you to lovingly, yet firmly, be clear about your concerns and your heart and that you believe the two of you can work toward making things better.

  • GoodDad says: April 17th, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    @LostHusband: it's not you, your wife has daddy issues that are affecting her. She's also emotionally manipulating you in an attempt to control you (by accusing you of being abusive). I do not have an optimistic view of your wife becoming an affectionate, warm person; you're going to have to make some decisions and take some action. Julie's suggestion to make your marriage more than two people existing together is a good one...but you may need to do more than suggest. Find a counselor, ignore accusations of abusive and set a date for counseling to begin. Insist that progress is required because the status quo cannot continue until the children leave home. Prayer can save souls, but action gets results.

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