marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized
What Your Husbands are Telling Me about Your Sex Life
Jul
Okay, I don’t know if your husband specifically has contacted me.
But I do know this:
I hear from a lot of husbands via my blog. Frankly, many of them think I have some easy solution to get their wives to want to have sex with them.
Oh, how I wish that were the case.
If I did indeed have an easy solution, I would be rich. But honestly, I’d gladly share any easy solution for free.
If I had one.
Which I don’t.
Marriage is a complex creature, and that’s as true about my marriage as it is about any other one. Complex I tell you. But within that complexity, God implores us to take this matter of sexual intimacy to heart.
Granted, there are some rare situations where couples simply cannot have sex because of extreme physical limitations or illnesses. And I’m not naive in thinking that unresolved relationship betrayals by one or both spouses don’t make sexual intimacy all the more treacherous.
But for the rest of us?
For those marriages where two people are simply navigating life, dealing with cranky youngsters and trying to make a box of cornflakes stretch for more than a week…. yeah, sexual intimacy struggles in those marriages are usually the result of unintentional carelessness at best and downright selfishness at worst.
What are your husbands telling me?
On a regular basis, I hear about wives who…
Haven’t made love to their husbands in months or even years.
Never initiate sex.
Consistently put ministry, children’s activities and other obligations above sex.
Act as if their husband is a pervert because he wants to try a different sexual position or desires to see his wife naked.
Easily get defensive when their husbands try to address the sexual intimacy struggles.
Are too tired for sex, but not too tired to watch Grey’s Anatomy, the Bachelor or Extreme Makeover.
Regularly refuse their husband’s initiations for sex, but then vilify him when he is easily tempted by outside sexual stimulation.
Cheapen the marriage bed by simply “going through the motions” to get sex over with quickly.
Minimize their own need for pleasure, further confirming his feelings that “she doesn’t really even want to be here.”
Conveniently ignore God’s command that they share their bodies with their husbands, all the while feeling “led by the Lord” to head up the VBS committee or prayer ministry.
I know that the above scenarios are usually not as clear cut as I lay them out in a blog post. A couple struggling with sexual intimacy usually hasn’t arrived at such a struggle over the course of one week or month.
And though I hear from many husbands, I also occasionally hear from wives who are the ones who want more sex — and the husbands are the ones neglecting nurtured intimacy with their bride (I promise to write more about this, but if you want to check out a recent post on it, visit what Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous has to say.)
Generally, when we boil down many of the intricate details, we still arrive at a place where you know what is (or isn’t) going on in your bed.
You know if sex is a place of connection in your marriage — or a place of horrible discord.
And you know (or at least have some inkling) if the keys to change are dangling in your hand.
Sure, you can’t change your spouse, but if the roadblocks to nurtured sexual intimacy have been placed by you, then you are the one who needs to courageously start moving those roadblocks off the road.
Make a path for some intimacy to flow between you and your husband.
Scared of what that looks like?
Scared of the pain that might be stirred?
Scared of Holy Spirit conviction that reveals the vital necessity of nurtured intimacy?
Call the fear out. That’s right… cast light on it and boldly say to your husband, “I’m scared to bring this discussion up, but I want to talk about our sex life. I want things to be better between us.”
God works in the light. Satan, on the other hand, would just assume your fears stay hidden. He’s all about darkness, that guy. The enemy wants you to stay isolated in a place of denial or despair.
There is hope when we push through fear to get to solutions that are life-sustaining in our marriages.
There is hope when we invite God into the deepest recesses of our hearts and minds, where sadness, shame and disappointment have anchored themselves.
And there are plenty of other people trying to speak hope into situations that may look painfully similar to yours.
As I was busy writing this post, I was completely unaware that the Holy Spirit was pouring out great things through Kate Aldrich in her blog post “We Haven’t Had Sex in Over a Year.”
So, while I’d like to think that the husbands emailing me are simply isolated cases, Kate’s post kind of confirms differently. She too is hearing from husbands who are hungry for their wives to start taking this matter of sexual intimacy seriously.
What those of us who blog on sexual intimacy are encouragingly saying is do what you can — where you are — to set a new course in your marriage.
I pray for the day when the only comments I receive are from husbands and wives who are champions for sex. On a regular basis. In their marriage.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Thanks, Julie. Sometimes I feel so alone and that nobody cares. Thanks for hearing and sharing. I am not wierd, or a pervert. I am just a man trying to live a Godly life who hungers for the connection with the wife God gave me. Thats all. Without it, I don’t feel loved and I must fight the “lier’s” voice telling me that I am not good enough or that she really does not love me.
Love the post, but can’t help but think of all the husbands who expect sex, desire,initiation, and fulfillment, but are pointing the finger in the wrong place. Love the encouragement to fight the spiritual warfare, but guys also need to get up from in front of the TV and lead by giving themselves up for their bride. She is designed to respond to his loving leadership.
I may just blog on this myself and we can keep the conversation going. Thanks for your ministry. God bless.
Huzband.wordpress.com
Thank you husband mentor! Love your points! Yes… definitely… I agree wholeheartedly. If you do blog about it, shoot me the link so I can share!
Great post – a lot for wives to think about. I’m not suggesting that there is an easy answer to this problem, because that’s not the case, but I would encourage wives who are on birth control pills and find themselves having no sexual desire to consider that the pill may be playing a role. I have read about a number of women who found that their libido increased greatly when they went off the pill. That was the case for me, and I found that I was better able to focus on increasing intimacy with my husband. It still required intentional effort on my part for a while, but it was so much easier once my body was cooperating!
Thanks Julie. I’ve done everything I could think of to help. I put my wife first in my life after my relationship with Jesus, but no change.
Husbands whose wives have sex with them at least once a wife can’t understand what it’s like to feel like you’re putting her out by even asking.
Last night we had sex and she tried to blame me for keeping her up late (when we went to bed an hour early). It really hurts to feel like I’m the one who loves most.
Paul
The biggest reason for lack of sex in marriage is the husband simply doesn’t understand how to act in a way that turns his wife on. All those actions you outlined above are simply things a woman does when she just isn’t into her husband all that much.
Women can’t trick or will themselves into being more sexually turned on by their husbands. The husband is the one that needs to change to pull her interest and attention.
Understanding what turns a woman on is no mystery.
Hello Athol Kay… thank you for your comment… I appreciate you stopped by and took the time to comment. I agree with you that women can’t trick themselves into being more sexually turned on.
I do think, though, that husbands and wives can together work toward nurtured intimacy, each being accountable for nurtured intimacy.
Discovering what turns each other on shouldn’t be left to mystery (I think some husbands would disagree with you that “what turns a woman on is no mystery” … I hear from plenty of husbands who try to turn their wives on, try to be more romantic and loving, and try to specifically ask what their wives desire… all to no avail).
To be fair to wives, I recognize fully that responsibility flows both ways. Sometimes a woman has tried to educate her man on what it will take to turn her on… and he hasn’t responded accordingly.
At any rate, my hope always is that both the husband and a wife get at the heart of vulnerable communication and make sex a priority.
Thanks again for the comment! I always like it when people chime in with great dialogue!
Julie, Thanks for you comment and defence. You are correct, the communication must go both ways. It is not always the lazy jerk guy sitting in front of the TV’s fault for not caring about his wife and marriage. (I know that happens alot) Some of us guys are just normal guys. That is one of the things that makes this such a painful thing. I think about our sex life all the time. It is relentless in my brain. I am not a pervert or any kind of wierdo. I am a Christian family man with a professional job. I teach Sunday School. We do not have TV or do any non-family movies so my eyes are only for her. We work together to raise our children. I work and think about sex. I try not to but it keeps comeing back into my head. It is like the chemicals inside me force me to think that way. It is hard to keep your thoughts pure when there is very little outlet at home. My wife does not think about sex. The thought of it is so far down the list that it is an afterthought by bed time. No preparation, no anticapation, nothing. I know she loves me, but the main way that I feel connected and loved in marriage is to engage in making love. I enjoy talking , dreaming, praying, studying God’s word together, and I enjoy her company. The problem is that these things do not reach to the core of who I am and make me feel connected or loved in return. They miss the mark.
Thanks JR — I know each situation is unique and there are many variables, but a theme I commonly hear is that sex is just neglected in a marriage… usually by one spouse, but sometimes by both.
I recognize too that it is rarely easy to rebuild intimacy if the “norm” has become “no sex” or very little sex. But when a couple moves in the direction of nurtured intimacy, their overall marriage tends to get stronger as well.
I’m sorry for your situation…. makes me sad…
Julie,
I really like your blog – it has been very helpful.
That said, Athol’s blog has helped me more. I am a committed Christian man who found out about MMSL and even bought the book a few months ago (through the Ruth Institute blog of all places)
Here’s my situation. My wife and I had been intimate 2 times in 2 years up until 3 months ago (there was a pregnancy in there also). Before that, I would say we probably were intimate 6 times a year the past 4, and maybe 8-10 times per year before that. Even right after we were married, she did not show much interest in intimacy. I’ll give you the hard numbers. In the past 3 months we have been intimate 15-16 times.
I am not saying that Athol’s blog and book are entirely responsible for this, as I have been gathering advice from elsewhere to (including your blog). In short though, I think the lion’s share of the credit goes to him. Evidently, he hears from people like me all the time.
I won’t go into detail, but I will say that one of the points made in the book is that most women don’t really know what turns them on. Its something they can’t – or don’t want to – articulate.
I must say that I can’t go everywhere he goes (there are some ideas that disturb, bother, or slightly offend me and I know would offend my wife) but the amount of practical advice in the book has been great.
Part of the problem is that, for the most part, the higher drive spouses are the ones reading all these posts.
Sadly, I hear these stories too. And some of my closest friends continue to be oblivious to how their complete lack of sexual interest causes deep hurt for their husbands. Yes, it’s a two-way street. And when tension, frustration, and disappointment exist in a couple’s intimate life, someone has to bring up the subject and start the discussion. You are so correct that bringing the issue into the light is the start of a solution. Love this post, Julie!
Dear wives,
Your husbands have a real emotional need that is God-given that includes sexual interaction with you. The sad reality is that many wives have the same need but resist it, deny it, or have conditioned themselves to believe that it’s not a need of their own but a ‘service’ they must perform in marriage (I don’t know how else to say a “non-need”). Well, guess what? You do need this.
For guys it’s been hard for us to understand that enabling the right circumstances is far more delicate for you than for us. Help us learn that. Contributing to your willingness is not always obvious. Help us know what’s in your mind and heart. And participating in your personal indulgence, sexually, is something we’re pretty much novices at. Help us here, any way you can. We want you to have fulfilling, gratifying experiences.
We want to feel validated with you, not because of you. We want to share in the respect and admiration, not resentment and apprehension. We want to cultivate intimacy in all areas of our marriage instead of harvesting indifference. Some things are more natural for women and hard for men to adjust to, but we want to — not for the sake of ‘you know what’ — but for our sake; for our lifelong bond, for the sake of our family, and for the sake of those two crazy star-struck lovey-dovey people we were years ago.
We’re praying humbly for you, even hoping to be an answer to your prayers each day in some way. Please be patient with us as we patiently wait for you, and lets draw closer together in every way, realizing the God-given joy waiting to be discovered in every moment, word, and togetherness we that we’re privileged and blessed to share…
I’m the same guy who wrote the post above about MMSL.
I just need to say that there were many times that I talked with my wife about shared intimacy throughout our marriage. I asked her what she was interested, what I needed to do, etc.
She could only give me vague hints, and I never had a real plan about how I could make things work. In short, she really didn’t know what she wanted, and I think she still doesn’t. Just last night, she told me that for her it is more emotional than sexual. She says that for women, it has far more to do with a man paying attention to a woman (and not just sexually) that helps intimacy.
Well, yes, but its more than that. It also has to do with what kind of a man you are and *how you act*. You can be very loving and show that in your external actions, but that, I have found, is not enough. There is more to it than that, and I think Athol Kay is right – these are things that can be learned. It has to do with displaying alpha traits (displaying high value), even as one does not ignore the softer “beta skills”.
In short, what she says she wants and what she ultimately falls for are two different things.
Julie, you should check out Athol’s blog/book and do some serious reflection on what might be true in there. It would make your already very insightful and thoughtful blog even better.
Thanks Anonymous… I am glad you commented and I will take a look at Athol Kay’s blog. Have a great day! Stop by again… I love to see the dialogue going on.
I have looked at Athol Kay’s blog. IT IS NOT A CHRISTIAN SITE, so tread carefully. Like eating fish, pick out the bones. Some advice is not aligned with the Spirit or the Word, so make sure you approach anything secular with a spiritual foundation and mutual Christian accountability.
Annon and Anthol, you seem to miss that this blog is for Wives. This is not a “Get out of Jail Free” card post for lazy husbands.
It is good for husbands to take responsibility for their roles in their marriage. It is also good for wives to take responsibility for their roles in their marriage.
This is a post for wives who aren’t taking their responsibility for their sexuality in their marriage. If you aren’t one of those, then this doesn’t apply to you. And that it doesn’t apply to you doesn’t make it not true.
As we are all broken (fallen, sinful, ect) people, it stands to reason that in some marriages the husband will be correctly filling their role (in this category) but their wife will not be.
It’s as if Julie had said, “If you have the flu, go get a flu shot.”
And you responded, “I have a broken arm. Your flu shot isn’t helping my broken arm.”
If you have a broken arm you need a very different treatment. But that doesn’t make getting a flu shot the wrong treatment for the flu.
Please go to the “broken arm” blog to talk about what you need. And leave the “flu” blog to people who have the flu.
Sometimes I wonder if Christian husbands are “too nice” about this and basically allow their marriages to die because they will not force the issue out into the open and insist that it be addressed. This year I saw the marriage of a couple in my family end in divorce because of this. Both husband and wife are Christians and heavily involved in ministry, so it is a tragedy in many ways and for many people. Although the wife certainly bears a lot of responsibility for what happened, the husband never forced the issue until it was too late, the marriage was destroyed, and he was unable to work on healing it. If he had insisted that the problems be addressed 10 years ago, even to the point of separating for a time, I believe the marriage could have been saved. So in a way I think that he was cowardly, because he went with the path of least resistance until it was too late to choose another path.
This is a really, really painful topic for me. I’ve thought about this subject for a long time because I was living it. I am happy to say that things are different now.
I’ve struggled with whether I have anything to add to this conversation.
The thing I wonder is whether refusing wives understands the deep, very deep, pain this causes. Sex is not just physical. Sex is heart to heart, soul to soul. Constant rejection wounds deeply and tears at the fabric of the relationship.
I am not casting stones. I am definitely NOT assuming that all serious problems are the wive’s fault. Husbands are, of course, quite capable of wreaking havoc in marriages.
But, where the husband is relatively fault free and the wife is constantly refusing.- that pain is deep. Very, very deep.
We’re recovering from a sexless marriage. It took conversation and healing our overall relationship. I was first exposed to the more Christian-oriented information that got us on the path – compassion, communication, etc. While that helped tremendously with frequency, it didn’t solve the issue of my wife not appearing to feel much desire for me. And that’s where I think the solutions that Athol, et al discuss come in. These seem like two unrelated camps of thought, but I think the right answer is in understanding and integrating both.
When you go to MMSL, you will find off-putting things there, but there are some core concepts of attraction that can be very helpful. If you’re primarily coaching women, I think it would be helpful for them to become consciously aware of why they might find their husbands less attractive so they can encourage his growth in those areas (leadership, confidence, strength, etc). Armed with this knowledge, and the knowledge that being sexually disinterested completely undermines a man’s confidence, wives might be more inclined see an easy path to getting the man they want out of their husband.
Looking back, I can see clearly how my being too “nice” contributed greatly to the problems we have. I have to find a new balance now, and we’re not there yet, but I see the path. I understand that it’s hard to discuss this issue without appearing to blame the victim, but I could have really used this kind of advice early in my hunt on how to turn things around.
Well, I wish I had more sympathy for the hubbys who are whining. Unfortunately it seems to me that its *always* about the man and what he needs, what he wants, what he deserves. I’m a wife who’d love to have a sexual relationship with her husband. He has refused to have sex with me for over 2 years now. Before that I considered myself lucky if he’d give in and have sex with me once a month. We’ve been married 7 years and he’s never made an effort to help me enjoy sex. He won’t hug me, kiss me, touch me, let alone have sex with me. He suddenly lost all interest in sex 6 weeks after the wedding and since then, the only time it happened was when I initiated. And I could initiate daily and only get him to agree to sex maybe once a month at best. I’ve tried counselling, alone b/c he won’t go, I’ve read every marriage book I can get my hands on, I’ve made it a point to tell him I appreciate him, to do my best to follow his directions even when he treats me like a 2 year old, I cook his meals, I wash his clothes, clean his house (Sure I live here but my name’s not on it and if he died, it’d become the bank’s), I raise our kids, I gave up furthering my education so I could be a good and available wife, I gave up my need and desire to have a conversation with him b/c he doesn’t like to talk, I gave up getting any physical affection from him b/c he’s ‘not into that mushy stuff’. He provides for us financially and materially and I appreciate that. But he thinks that money will make up for him not being there to talk, for him refusing to have sex, for him refusing to even try to make sex good for me. I’ve accpeted his excuses for why he doesn’t have sex with me for years. I’ve done my part in the bargins he’s made- “You do X and we’ll have sex more often.” even though he doesn’t hold up his end. And yes, my husband knows how I feel and you know what he said? “So? That’s YOUR problem!” But yeah, the pain is deep, very very deep, I’d venture to guess almost beyond healing.
A few more thoughts.
Being on the receiving end of regular refusal means getting the message that how I feel and what I need is not important. When my wife has refused me, I feel like I simply have no say in the intimate part of our relationship. That my very real need for an intimate relationship is simply not important to her. I look at the effort she pours into hobbies or other activities. She finds the energy and makes the time. Why not for me?
For those spouses (whether male or female) whose need for / interest in / willingness to engage in sexual intimacy is much lower than their spouse’s, consider how you would feel if your spouse refused to engage in some activity that you could only enjoy with your spouse and which you greatly valued.
Remember that sexual intimacy is a need that can only be satisfied within the boundaries of the marriage. I don’t cheat and never have. By God’s grace I never will. But that doesn’t make being regularly refused any less painful.
I have no brilliant ideas for those being refused. For me, I have chosen to stick it out. Over three years things drifted downward. Last year was absolute low point of along marriage. Then, for no obvious reason, things have gotten better. Not perfect, but better. Some months are better than others, but I feel like I am married again, not just a roommate.
And, finally consider your wife’s health. Menopause can hit some women hard – brutally hard. That is not her “fault” it just is what it is. For husbands, this can be a tough time. Sometimes all you can do is love your wife without expectation of any affection or intimacy in return, and wait out the storm.
Finally, if you are the one being refused – examine yourself. Where you are at fault, make amends. Work on your relationship now, even if all the work seems one sided.
Ivan – Julie’s said she wished she had a solution to this issue. I have one. That’s about all there is too it.
Importantly you misunderstand a key aspect of female sexuality – that it is responsive to male sexuality. There’s not a lot a woman can do to wish or pray herself into feeling sexually turned on by her husband if he is in a general sense not sexuall attractive.
I can assure you the letters I get from Christian women struggling with these issues are quite heartbreaking. I’m glad Julie is here doing the work she is.
This is a great blog! My DH and I were struggling for years because of my low libido. (OK, so “low” is being generous – but this is the web and you’re supposed to embellish here, right?) Back in early January he shared with me a blog (that’s how I found this one today!) called http://www.onefleshmarriage.com and an article called the 10 Day Challenge. I was not real happy with him for doing that, but we had been talking about my non-existent sex drive (we had been having sex maybe once or twice a month) and he very quietly and timidly asked me if I would just read it and tell him what I thought. I told him alright: and was he disappointed.
Welllllllllllll……I had a change of heart a few weeks later because the talks we had been having died down and I didn’t know what to do. So the week leading up to Valentines Day I decided I would try it, but take the initiative (and not tell him, so I had an “out”). I figured at the very least we would have one night on Valentines Day and, at the most, 10 days (out of years of marriage, I guess I could handle that) of sex. By they way I had already read a number of articles that claim that one of the cures to a low sex drive is having sex. (It wasn’t until later that I realized I’d hate to read articles by the same people that deal with the fear of dying.)
So beginning Valentines Day we did NOT have sex for 10 days straight. We went 13. 13 days in a row. I wasn’t overcompensating, but rather learning every day something new about my sexual response. I won’t lie – after the first night, the next six days were very hard (they do call it a “challenge” and I know why) but I followed their tips and asked myself the next day what am I learning that’s positive about this. (I joked that one positive was that my husband almost wasn’t up for the challenge since on day 5 I had to work hard on him to get him to cooperate!) I think day 11 happened because I forgot and lost count. Day 12? Yeah, I wanted to again. Wanted! That was so cool! Day 13 started off as a joke about getting lucky and, well, I did (and so did he). Day 14 we cuddled and talked and decided to take a break.
Nowadays we just have sex when either of us want to, provided the conditions are decent. We don’t say how many times per week or month because it varies too much, but much more than in the past. But we very rarely deny the other if there is any desire, and yes sometimes that’s still a bit of a chore for me since I’m not in the mood. But I’m so happy that there are so many more times when I DO want to, when I’m in the mood and initiate it! Sometimes we have sex a few nights (or days) a week, and sometimes we’ll go 2 or 3 weeks without. (We think we have invented the “Other 10 Day Challenge” of going at least 10 days without sex only to help build up anticipation for day 11.) We haven’t gone 10 (let alone 13) days in a row since February, but I’ll just say that experience forced me to confront sexuality and my aversion to it. I can’t tell you in words what changed, but I can say that it was alot about choosing my husband over the past feelings and choosing to honor God’s design for me.
My advice to wives is to plan sometime in the next month to do the 10 Day Challenge and GO TEN DAYS. My advice to husbands is to gently ask your wives to read it and ask them to tell you what they think. Your mileage may vary, so be prepared either way. Here’s the link:
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2010/10/10-day-challenge.html
As for my DH our marriage is very different than a year ago. Last year we had a good marriage that was on a strong foundation, and now we have a wonderful marriage with roots so strong they have broken through the foundation into much deeper, fertile soil – not because we had a lot of “sex” but because of God and our willingness to submit to him by submitting to each other.
Thanks so much for the comment Lynn… I agree that Brad and Kate’s blog http://www.onefleshmarriage.com is fabulous. Such genuine conversation going on at that blog. I’m grateful for their insights!
Glad you took the time to comment. The more light we shed on good resources, the better!
I enjoyed reading many of the comments in your blog over the last week. My husband sent me the link to look at. We struggle with a sexual combatibility issue (his words). We do not seem to be on the same page. He says it has been that way from the start but I remember it differently. The stresses of life really do play a part on being there, really there for each other. Things very quickly become routine. I do believe that women need to respect their man and be there to please them sexually but in the same token the man needs to show the wife his love for her in other ways and other times not just when he wants to have sex. That is what I struggle with, not seeing the love except when sex is wanted. I then have a tendency to not be very responsive because I don’t see it all the time. I am open to feedback.
Thanks so much Karen for your kind comments… it blesses me whenever I hear comments like yours.
I couldn’t agree with you more that for sexual intimacy truly to be a mutually-valued place in marriage, both the husband and the wife need to genuinely show ample love, respect and commitment outside the bedroom as well.
Sadly, in some marriages… sex becomes a bargaining chip (even if this is not spoken intentionally)… in other words, couples fall into a pattern where they always are “negotiating” sexual intimacy. (“If I do this, then I should get sex” or “He is nice to me just when he wants sex, so I’ll use it to my advantage and act this way” etc.
But what you have spoken about is absolutely the healthier standard… where a husband is genuinely kind to his wife regardless of the sexual reward, and a wife is genuinely respectful to her husband.
Personally, I think the only way to move toward this is to strengthen your communication (in all areas, including sex) AND strengthen your friendship. I’ve always believed that the more a husband and wife can nurture their friendship (time together, genuine interest in each other, heartfelt willingness to support each other), the more likely it is that sex is going to become a more valued part of the marriage as well.
Hope this is helpful! If you think of any other specific topics you’d like me to address in the blog, please let me know! THANKS!!!
My husband has no interest in sex or intimacy with me. Weve been married 40 plus years and I have no idea what happened. Figuring him out is a real challenge. I don’t even remember what sex is, being kissed, hugged or holding hands feels like. I bet we hadn’t had sex 2 dozen times in our whole 40 plus years. He won’t talk to me about anything (just small talk) . Won’t sleep in the same bed, some times he’ll stay up all night and then go downstairs and sleep all day. We never had kids I wanted them, he didn’t and told me if I wanted kids find some one else to father them and he can pay for them. I was heart broken, and to this day I won’t forgive him for say what he said. My life has been broken and ruined. I know were past the age for any good sex but I still have to rant. I hope all you younger folks out there please excuse an older lady for spouting off alittle.
@A Lilac
You’ve tried everything but hitting the gym. “Hit the gym” should be on top of every list of suggestion for women wanting to improve their sex life.
I have no problem with having sex, even every night. We went through a rut where we were only having sex once or twice a week, which still doesn’t seem so bad to most married couples, but my husband likes sex a lot, and we are in our early 20s. Been married for 5 years, been together since high school. I realized how important sex was after he cheated on me. But lately my husband has not been holding up his end of the deal as far as emotional intimacy goes. If the only time he’s showing me affection or any attention is when we are having sex, that makes me feel used, especially after everything that has happened. He has only gotten like this the past few months, after the “affair”…if you can call it that. It was for a very brief time period and he SAYS he didn’t sleep with her, they just kissed and went on a few dates and sent texts back and forth. And of course along with the lack of emotional intimacy, he also refuses to talk about what has happened and how I am still hurt by him cheating on me. I am having a lot of trust issues right now, and he has been acting like he doesn’t care at all, which is not helping me with wanting to have sex with him at all. He was one to always tell me I was beautiful, or to cuddle with me on the couch while we were watching tv, and tell me he loved me multiple times a day, and now he only says it right before, during (sometimes), and after sex. I haven’t been able to talk to him about anything with out it turning in to a huge fight. We’ve always been a couple to know that communication is important, so I don’t know what’s going on. He’s a Vet and suffers from PTSD, but things have never been this bad. I just want my husband back, or to at least try to work on things instead of just being stuck in this emotionless rut.
Athol Kay. I think your proposed “solution” is much too simplistic. You would release the wife from any any responsibility at all for her own sexual desire and blame the husband entirely for not being attractive enough. Your point is belied by the many Christian wives who deliberately use fantasy and even self-pleasure to purposefully increase their desire for their husband. I’m trying to work up the courage to ask my wife to try it. The fact is there is no way a man can attract a woman who has no interest in being attracted. There are many, many men (myself included) who have talked openly with their wives about what we can do to be more sexually attractive. The answer we often get is “nothing, dear; I love you, you’re not doing anything wrong; my hormones are just dead.” And, then, they prove their point by not responding to anything we try. Thanks Julie for the constant encouragement to talk. My wife and I are starting to engage the vulnerable conversations and I have great hope for our sexual future.
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Giles, i agree with your comments. Other women of varying ages have said I am a handsome man, but in over 20 years of marriage I cannot recall that my wife ever gave me this compliment, even though I regularly said she was attractive. Several months now I asked her often if she loves me, but she could not say those 3 words. Except for one time recently when I was working on the lawn, and she was going somewhere, but there was no eye contact, so not sure if even that counts. You stand at the wedding altar and vow to Love, Honor and Cherish (and forsake all others), and then your spouse values you so little. But she has the time and desire to watch TV up to 17 hours on her free days, but acts like I am bothering her if I try to hug and kiss her while she is in front of the TV. She still has the need to go visit her parents every week/shopping with her mom every week, and at home she is very comfortable just doing her own things alone. Can this be the norm for most wives ?
@Jim: you’re not married, you’re just paying your wife’s bills. Do not let this become your future, because you’re headed for a sexless marriage. You are entitled to intimacy, so demand the entire marital package – emotional as well as physical oneness. Too many wives want the financial support of a husband, or want him to pay for children, but think it’s OK to just drop the physical aspect of marriage. You and you alone can fix this, because your wife has no incentive (apparently) to do so. You need to have a showdown with her before you turn 50 and have an affair (yes, it can happen to you). Tell her she must value your relationship over her mother, over television, over anything else. She is leaving you wide open to temptation by her flagrant disinterest in your marriage, and it has to stop. She gets to choose the outcome – a great marriage or being single – but YOU are forcing the change. Either outcome will be better than what you’re looking at 5 years down the road. Either stand up NOW or accept the responsibility for a lonely and celibate life.
What about the other side. I can’t get my husband to sleep with me. We use to be so sexually active. We’re about to have our 5 year anniversary, we’ve been together for 10 years. We have 3 beautiful kids. Having baby’s never seemed to throw his sex drive off. But for the last few months and can’t even get him to glance at me while naked! I love him so much. But I’m only 23 I have needs and I funny understand why a 26 year old man wouldn’t. I’m not ugly. I still have a beautiful body after 3 babies, I’m so confused in why this is happening.
@Jennifer… I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. I can understand why this is very frustrating and discouraging. Without knowing your husband, I couldn’t speculate on his reasons for the sudden change in intimacy desire.
Have you talked to him directly about this? With a tone of firmness, but also love and vulnerability to show him how this is really affecting you.
Men lose interest in sex for a number of reasons, and not all of them are the scandalous reasons we often think of (infidelity, porn, etc). Sometimes men are struggling with work or other concerns, and instead of talking about those, they internalize them. Or sometimes they are struggling with erectile dysfunction.
Anyway, I guess I’m just saying that it could be any number of factors. I would first try to have a heart-to-heart talk when you both have time to really focus on the conversation (maybe after the kids are in bed or if you can go on a walk while someone is watching the kids or if you both could take an afternoon off and spend it together).
If he still refuses to open up about it and to genuinely listen to your pain, then I would suggest marriage counseling. If he won’t go to counseling, go on your own. Not only will you get the insights of a professional who understand relationship dynamics, but you also will demonstrate to your husband that you are serious about this and that a marriage without sexual intimacy is not okay with you.
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