3 Things You Should Know About Your Husband’s Penis

Posted on Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

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So, anyway, I was cruising through my email in-box the other day, mindlessly deleting all the spam for penis enlargement pills, when it occurred to me that this obsession with penis size is just plain ridiculous.

Sure, there is a lot we need to know about the penis, but making it bigger is definitely not one of those things.

Sadly, ads for penis enlargement are perpetuated endlessly, despite common sense rationale that such ads aren't going to lead to anything -- except an empty wallet.

Yes, on that end of the spectrum, we are inundated with ludicrous sexual claims through spammy emails.

On the other end of the spectrum, though, is something more damaging -- many wives know very little about their husband's penis (and have no desire to learn more).

Woman to woman, I acknowledge that many of you reading this are just plain grossed out by the penis.  And it's probably not just the male genitals, but the genital region in general -- male and female -- with which you are not overly enthralled.

Obviously, having a positive perspective about the genitals can be a particular challenge for Christians, as we hold modesty in high regard.  I, like many Christians, do not take modesty lightly.  It pains me greatly that our landscape (Christian and secular) is scattered with scantily dressed young people, who (despite the best efforts of many of their mothers) succumb to the latest risqué styles because so little else is available.

I also am not thrilled that sexual promiscuity has become so mainstream that it is increasingly difficult to discern what authentic sexual intimacy even is (let alone how to experience it within our marriage bed).

Add to this the pervasiveness of pornographic images in our society, and it is no wonder that the beauty of sex, including the genitals, has become tainted. When it comes to the penis, I get why we have hang ups.

Even our earliest Christian conclusions compel us to associate the genitals themselves with sin and filth (Adam and Eve were naked in the garden. They sinned. They covered up their nakedness. Thus what was previously exposed -- the genitals -- must have been bad).  This is skewed rationale, of course, but one can see some of the roots of our struggle with viewing the genitals positively.

While we certainly need to maintain high standards of modesty when carrying ourselves publicly and in the company of other people, be careful what you sacrifice on the altar of modesty.

Modesty really needs to take a backseat when exploring sexual intimacy in the exclusivity of our marriage. Not easy, I know.  It's that whole "flip the switch" thing.

As women, the "flip the switch" is a huge barrier. In public, we strive to refrain from wearing sexually revealing clothing, casually participating in sexual banter, or being flirtatious.

But then behind our closed bedroom door, we are free to embrace sexual confidence. It is when we make love with our husbands that we are free not only to thoroughly enjoy sex, but also to enjoy pleasuring the man we married.  Truth is, this switch is not getting flipped in a lot of marriages.

Instead, the modesty and reservation we walk during the day wreaks havoc beneath our sheets at night.

While we can't solve all of those dynamics in one blog post, I do think you can start to right the ship by becoming a lot more comfortable with your husband's penis.

Here are three things you should know about your husband's penis:

1. All sexual encounters are not created equal.

I am guessing that you probably have it down to a science as to what you need to do during intercourse to get it over with quickly. Touch him here. Do this with my hands. Kiss him this way. Allow him to enter me. Allow him to do all the work. He climaxes. Done. Same routine. Every. Single. Time. And because he climaxed, we think each and every time is stellar for him.  Sure, you probably won't find him complaining.

Possibly, though, he would like sexual encounters where you are really present -- and willing to explore a full body experience.

Pay attention to his entire body. Allow him the privilege to arouse you. Show him you want to be there. As a result, what he then experiences in his penis will be intensified. To read a fabulous post on being intentional in pursuing your husband, see Lori Byerly's post "What Husbands Want: Love Me, Love My Sexuality."

2.  There are numerous ways to touch his penis and testicles.

I know, I am getting really blunt here (trust me, your husband will appreciate it).  While I hesitate to stereotype, I think it is fair to say that many husbands find it particularly arousing to have firm steady motion along the shaft of their penis, including directly under the head of the penis. This can be accomplished orally and with your hand, and to a degree by tightening your  pc muscles when he is thrusting (These are the muscles you would tighten to stop your urine flow. That's how you locate them, and you can do Kegel exercises to strengthen them. Tightening them during sex can be pleasing to him and to you).

You may also try light touch along his penis (with your breasts, the silky feel of lingerie, your fingernails, etc.). And do not neglect his testicles, which are sensitive and a key arousal zone.

Want to figure out how he likes his penis touched? Experiment with different techniques. Touch him. Ask him what he prefers. My guess is he will be more than happy to tell you and show you.

3. If he has trouble getting an erection, it doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you.

As much as we like to believe that men are "ready to go, no matter what," the truth is that many different things can affect a husband's ability to get and maintain an erection (this can become increasingly true as he ages).

Of course, every man is unique, but if he is struggling with getting an erection, it could be because of stress, the effects of some medical conditions or medications, tiredness, etc.

Look past your initial tendency to feel offended and instead engage him in a conversation.

You are his wife.  The more you can assure him that you are a safe person, the more likely he will open up.

And definitely encourage him to visit his doctor, not only to rule out more serious conditions, but also to explore possible solutions.

God designed our entire bodies. It is all His handiwork, from the tip of your head to the bottom of your feet.  He lovingly calls us out of a place of shame and into His truth.

And His truth is that the genitals are good, meant for amazing gifts within marriage.  Occasionally, the gift shows up as a baby.  More often than not, though, the gift shows up as indescribable oneness, wrapped in intense sexual pleasure.

When you get to know your husband's penis, you don't just honor your marriage. You honor God.

Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

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61 Responses to
“3 Things You Should Know About Your Husband’s Penis”

  • thesaint says: January 23rd, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Great article. I am a husband with a wife with the modesty thing and great difficulties overcoming that in the bedroom. That is a great thread to hit on, but can you talk about how to actually overcome the issue and helping women learn how to flip that switch?

  • JulieSibert says: January 23rd, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Thank you "thesaint" for your comment... I definitely will be addressing the "flip the switch" dynamic in future postings. Stay tuned! One thing that i do try to remind women is that no one else is privy to what is going on in their bedroom.

    In other words, what sometimes stops a woman from being more sexually confident and adventuresome is she worries about "what other people would think" or "what other people would say" if they knew "what she was doing sexually." Well, no one will think or say anything because no one else will know.

    Anyway, thank you for the comment on the post... you are right that the "flip the switch" dynamic is a difficult one.

  • Buffy says: January 23rd, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    Okay, I want to word this right. Before I was married a godly woman that I admired told me that 'sex really isn't that important.' Which is of course not true (I know now that there was probably a reason for her feelings but I digress). Anyway once I got married I was struggling with 'flipping the switch' because it was a big deal...for me (not that it wasn't for my husband either). This combined with a poor parental model made the 'good girl syndrome' kick in because I was told that sex wasn't important so really I had a big problem because shockingly my desire was for my husband.

    Once I realized that it was not just bad information I had received, but WRONG information, it made it easier to 'flip the switch.' I'm not sure if this is something that a lot of women deal with, but I know that lies are a big contributor to a woman's skewed image of sex and intimacy. I know that if I had been told that sex was important to my marriage I wouldn't have struggled so much as a newly wed.

  • Kliphton says: January 24th, 2011 at 10:33 am

    I think some women have a problem flipping that switch because of past experiences whether good or bad. What we have to do as men and womenis make sure you don't blame your spouse for your past, consintrate on the future, and have the best sex ever. Close the door, turn out the lights, and give your spouse your all and then some. GOD bless's marriage, and everything that comes with it, and that includes sex! Another great one Julie, keep up the good work!

  • thesaint says: January 25th, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Julie, thanks. Till you write about that could you recommend some books that talk about how to flip that switch?

  • herhubby says: January 27th, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    #3 really stands out to me. I don't react like I did when I was 20, so when she touches me and I don't react, she takes it as a lack of interest (or worse). I have used this analogy as well. During a scary movie, you jump at sudden surprises. After you watch the movie multiple times, you know what is coming and you don't jump as much, if at all. Well, my penis doesn't "jump" if it knows what is coming every time. So ladies, don't take it wrong if nothing happens, you may just need to try a different approach to keep us guessing and anticipating.

  • Captain No Marriage says: January 28th, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    As the author mentioned, many women have no desire to advance their sex life once they obtain the title of wife.

    As far as "flipping the switch", how about the women who had no problem flipping the switch before marriage or the ones who were known in every bar in town back before they got saved and now they magically have issues?

    No wonder so many men are opting out of marriage.

  • mom24boys says: January 29th, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    You are exactly right; if my stimulus is always the same, I become desensitized and the reactions are not as profound. It is the same for my husband.
    While there is a place for "good ol' comfortable sex" it is important to punctuate that with small variations that keep things fresh and delightful.

  • RuthAnn says: January 31st, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    This is to Kliphton -- Why turn out the lights? I don't like the blaring lights in our face but nothing wrong with a lamp on or candles etc

  • Lisa says: January 31st, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    Not all of us are privileged to have a spouse who can keep a secret. My husband works in a factory, and they all talk... I have repeatedly shared with my husband how this makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. In a meeting with our counselor I brought up the issue of my husband sharing intimate details of our life. His advice to my husband: Don't do it, but if you do don't tell your wife! Nice.
    What do you sugguest when you can't trust that a multitude of others aren't hearing the details?

  • JulieSibert says: February 1st, 2011 at 1:26 am

    Thank you Lisa for your comment. I am saddened to hear about the betrayal you have experienced, and that the counselor even condoned this.

    My encouragement to you actually comes from scripture. God’s word tells us that we each must give an account for how we have lived (Matthew 12:36, Romans 14:12, Hebrews 4:13 and 1 Peter 4:5). In other words, your husband will have to answer to God for his carelessness with talking to others about something that is meant to be sacred between the two of you. While you can ask your husband to honor your request, ultimately all you can do is to be responsible for your own actions.

    I don’t in any way want to minimize the depth of your hurt. I just want you to know that God does see your pain and he understands. My prayer for your husband is that he would begin to embrace God’s perspective instead of easily giving in to the temptation to participate in workplace banter that dishonors marriage and hurts his wife.

  • Heather G says: July 29th, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Ok, I have to admit that I am rather shocked by the tone of this blog posting. I am a virgin, dress modestly, and so forth. I am courting a wonderful man and we are on the path towards marriage. But I simply can't imagine needing to be encouraged to "talk openly" about my sexual feelings and desires to this man if we get married. I am afraid that the type of modesty I am reading about in this post, if it is true that many christian women are this unable to experience emotional and sexual intimacy with their spouses, is a travesty for whatever form of sexuality the church has been teaching people to have. Why would you marry a man if you don't feel completely empowered to show him your full heart, both the spiritual part of you and the sexual part of you? I am just flabbergasted reading all this... How do you talk about sex with your kids if you can't even discuss it between husband and wife? My parents taught me when I was younger about sex, about orgasm, about arousal, about open communication, and they were not embarrassed and I feel really sexually healthy for learning to be modest while at the same time sexually empowered in my own sexuality even as a virgin. I will go to my wedding night without even having kissed on the lips before the "I do's" but by no means naive or shy. It just boggles my mind that women who have been married for years would be more naive about sex than me! Meanwhile, christian men in droves are watching porn while their wives are too shy to discuss their penis with them?? Something is wrong here!

  • JulieSibert says: July 30th, 2011 at 12:21 am

    Thank you for your comment Heather!

    I think it is fabulous that you were raised with such authentic and thorough dialogue about sexual intimacy and that sex was explained as God intended it -- a beautiful gift meant to enrich a husband and wife.

    Sadly, your experience is the exception. Many many women go into marriage without a positive perspective on sexual intimacy.... and instead of addressing those struggles, they simply let sex become a burden or an avoided experience altogether.

    And many women are naive about all that goes into sex -- not only the spiritual and emotional implications, but the physical aspects as well... how to arouse their husband, how to allow themselves to be aroused, and so forth.

    You and your future husband are blessed to have already established such open communication!! This, no doubt, will help make your sexual intimacy profound on so many levels. You'll be able to talk openly not only about pleasure, but also about any difficulties or struggles you may encounter.

    My prayer is that my blog and others like it are helping stir conversations between husbands and wives... and encourage them to place a sacred value on nurtured sexual intimacy.

    Thanks again for your comment!

  • Tony Bonner says: September 6th, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Stop worshipping the sky fairy and give your husbands blowjobs. If you don't they WILL leave you (or go elsewhere).

  • JulieSibert says: September 6th, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    Tony... I think you've over-generalized things a bit, but we are all entitled to our opinion. I do know plenty of husbands who would not leave their wives because they are not receiving oral sex.

    My goal always is to encourage couples toward better communication and more fulfilling intimacy. Some couples find oral sex rewarding and a valued part of their sexual intimacy and others do not, yet still have great sex.

  • taille moyenne penis says: September 15th, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    OMG salutation

  • Greg D says: October 16th, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Thank you for sharing this! A number of men--myself included--are self-conscious enough as it is about our genitals, and (unlike some) are not ego-centric about this part of our body.

  • Ann says: November 25th, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    The only thing my husbannd does with his penis is go to the bathroom. He won't get intimate with me, so as you can see things like sex intimacy or love don't happen. Its been this way for 30 years and we have been married 40 plus years. I would bet we hadn't had sex or any kind of intimacy maybe 2 dozen times in the last 40 years. All these years I've had a bad time and don't see any change for the future.

  • Jamie says: December 23rd, 2011 at 7:12 am

    my husband penis was great at first but after 4 years and 2 babies, I am not getting to where i want to be. He is 5 years older the me but I think he acts alot older. We have intercourse like twice a week and that is all. I would like to have it every night like we used to. Also we used to last for an hour or two. Now its like 15 mins and he is done. He says it is because he gets too excited but i think maybe he is bored with me. How do you know? He has recently had to go to Mexico because of a daeth (Rip) but I feel like I need him more then ever and he is not here for me. I really need a prayer, I have so many male friends if you know what i mean, I am so tempted but dont wanna loose my husband who is a really great man. Please help me and pray for me.

  • Marie C. says: December 29th, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    I failed to find any comments on one very important subject, that of sexual abuse. If someone has been sexually abused, either husband or wife, it follows many of them WILL have issues with sexual intimacy in marriage. According to statistics (and I believe it is actually higher), one in four women have been sexually abused before the age of 18, and it is not a whole lot better for men. Think of it! If you know 4 women, chances are good that one of them was sexually abused. Many of them know sex is ordained by God, but have a difficult time wrapping their minds around that. The issues may come out later in the marriage when their son or daughter reaches the age they were at the time of the molestation. Much more study needs to be done on this and much more written on this topic. Sexual abuse victims need healing and understanding. In my own case, I really feel that God has healed this area of my marriage and after 30 years of marriage, my husband and I are enjoying sex on a much deeper and more satisfying level. I can now truly thank God for the gift of sex.

  • Aloha says: January 1st, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Guys here is some advice. Do NOT look at pornography. Porn will rot your brain, and spoil your sex life. Here is some other advice. Pop some viagra and rock your wifes world. Take control, perform oral, do it doggy, missionary, make ride ride you, do all of this each time you make love, and make it fun for her. The better you are at sex the better SHE will be, trust me. It comes natural, if your wife knows your a rockstar in the sack and is like 'wow Joe really rocked my world last night wow, i got no sleep and i orgasmed, i feel great!' she is naturally going to return the favor. If you just give her 42 seconds of missionary right before bedtime....don't expect anything in return. Girls, here is some adive from a guy who's been over 13 girls and has had sex at least 2000 times. Stop being lame in bed. Rock your husbands world, or else he will probobly look at porn when your off at work. And give head too, it's not that bad. And shower before you make love cuz you girls get stinky runnin around the kids and workin all day. Also, dont be afraid to talk about sex. The more you communicate, the better it will be. Trust me on this people. My girl LOVES going down on me and LOVES me inside of her and begs for it....you wanna our secret? Well, I pop a viagra, sex lasts about 25 minuts (perfect time) we always orgasm together (chicks love this guys), and we do it in several positions all over the house, we laugh and have fun. With a glass a wine before adds a plus. Plus, we love each other :)

  • JulieSibert says: January 2nd, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Hello Aloha... thanks for the comment. Rather blunt, but I get your point. I don't know if having sex with 13 girls is really something to brag about. And I hope that the girl you are with now is actually your wife. If so, sounds like the sex you are experiencing in your marriage is rather great!

    You are spot on about the damage of porn -- so true!

  • JulieSibert says: January 2nd, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Thank you Marie for your comments... I appreciate you stopping by and I'm encouraged about what you have shared. I definitely know that sexual abuse is a horrendous trauma that can greatly impact sex within marriage.

    So glad that the healing you have found had brought you to a place of enjoying sex with your husband, and that you give God the glory! Your comment resonates with much hope!

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  • T says: May 2nd, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    I truly believe having hubands/men reading this blog is inapproriate. Seriously your husband is okay with you telling in a sense how you touch him. This was no better than a poorly done soft porn/erotica.Mmmmm yes touch their, taste hear, yeh thats it........ We women do not need lessons on how to stroke our man. I am saddened that as a christian woman you see fit to talk about such things with men. Christ would have never condoned ministering to a sister in such a way. If I was to listen to a man on how to give blowjobs, or positions, or even how to talk to my husband about touching, or how to have better oral sex on me, my husband would not be pleased. How can you or your husband for that matter look at your pastor without embarresment of what you post. Any men reading your posts....Go find yourself some godly brothers to teach you, to offer you councel. Stay out of what should be a women only blog!!!!

  • T says: May 2nd, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    And Aloha.....Your Nasty! And I am not talking about the type of sex you have, what you do in the bedroom is private. Nothing wrong with that...But you just spoke to every woman here like we are dime a dzen sluts. Seriously....If you were speaking about your love life to say Jesus's mother or sister or your pastors wife, that is how you would speak? You spoke with no respect for the woman/wife you are with or the women reading this blog. Seriously once again, SOFT PORN! I think the subject of sex is grand and if is just a group of women we can be more open, yet lady like but to speak on such matters in mixed company. SMH That cannot in anyway be God pleasing. And 1 more thing, can posts not be deleted such as Aloha that is obviously distatfully done and searching for attention?

  • JulieSibert says: May 7th, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Thank you T for your comments. I appreciate you stopping by. Sorry you are disappointed by the post. I should point out that my blog is a forum for sharing information, with my goal being to encourage couples toward healthy sexual intimacy in marriage. Not unlike Christian books on sexual intimacy, I don't shy away from the actual information that would be beneficial to many couples.

    I respect your insights though. Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you will again!

  • Anonymous says: May 29th, 2012 at 8:28 am

    So what's a man to do when his wife adopts the "stimulation of the genitals with the hands, even if it's only foreplay or preparation for pentration, is so totally gross" stance? My wife wasn't like that before, but in the past couple of years, has become increasingly distant in that regard. I try to ask her why and get down to the root of it, but she simpy says, "I think it's gross. You have to respect my opinion." I often think she's hiding something, although she assures me that nothing's wrong.

  • JulieSibert says: May 29th, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Hey Anonymous... thanks for the comment.

    I don't have easy answers. If you have tried to talk to your wife about it and she still won't open up about her reasons, then you may have to back off about it... yet, still pray that the Lord would soften her heart and create opportunities where it can be discussed and pursued.

    If she is hiding something and won't share with you, then she'll have to give an account of that to the Lord. Scripture is clear that we all must give an account for how we have lived.

  • landschooner says: May 30th, 2012 at 2:56 am

    "she is naturally going to return the favor." That just simply isn't true in many marriages. I wish it were. What an easy fix that would be....


  • Deprivedoflove says: July 7th, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Thanx guys for discussing this issues. We born-again Christians need to realize that intimacy in marriage is very important, if it is not looked after so many problems could result. I'm married but I wish I could meet another Christian woman who can love and I could enjoy intimacy with. Please pray for me. Being married for eight years but sex is a disaster. How do you communicate with a person who shuts you out? I need to be pleasured by my wife but she doen't seem to realize that, instead sex is almost non-existent and I'm so frustrated. Pray for me please!!

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  • Fortuna Veritas says: August 20th, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    It's just a shame that so few people are able to accept that many in the church have just outright lied to them about sex and that this is something that could actually be changed rather than having to come up with common sense, no-brainer solutions like the ones in this blog post.

  • Claudia says: August 24th, 2012 at 4:50 am

    Hrm. I thought sodomy (which includes oral sex) was forbidden in the bible. Then gay anal sex should be okay too, shouldn't it....?

  • JulieSibert says: August 24th, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Thank you for your comment Claudia, but I will have to disagree with you on this one...

    I don't find anything in the Bible that would forbid oral sex between a husband and a wife (if anything, many common interpretations of the book of Song of Songs believe it contains references to oral sex within a marriage).

    As for gay anal sex (or any gay sex for that matter)... I wouldn't say this is okay, because the Bible describes marriage as between a man and a woman.

  • Jason@SongSix3 says: August 27th, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Claudia, might I suggest you get yourself a copy of a WONDERFUL book called "Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex"... it's written by a couple of Godly ladies, Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, and very specifically addresses the things about which you wrote. Linda & Lorraine do some pretty exhaustive study of the scriptures as they talk about just about everything you can imagine related to sexual intimacy within the bonds of marriage.

    I think you'll be quite surprised by what God Himself allows, versus what MAN has said is "forbidden".

  • PJ says: September 2nd, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Let us be mindful not to scold women for not having the sexual desire as strongly as their husbands. We must not punish women, but we must be honest and understand that men and women are different. You all should be aware of the times that the men hate to sit and chit chat with their wives. Then why don't we tell men that the wife may cheat and find someone to chit chat with, if the husband won't chit chat" with her, just as we tell women their husbands will cheat on them.
    Men must learn their wives bodies and do what it takes to help her orgasm, then you will have wives who are interested in sex with their husbands, otherwise, women don't find it worthwhile.

    If a man can't keep is genitals in his pants and cheats because he is not getting sex all the time. Then he has to answer to God. Everybody out there......... remember: A man will not die if he does not get sex all the time. We have just spoiled them and allowed them to play that game. (not funny)

  • landschooner says: September 6th, 2012 at 6:52 pm


    A lot of women DO leave their husbands because they dont get their emotional needs met. Noone is saying its ok either way. But to neglect your spouse sexually or emotionally is fueling discontent and fanning the flames of temptation. Its also sin.


  • landschooner says: September 6th, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    "Men must learn their wives bodies and do what it takes to help her orgasm, then you will have wives who are interested in sex with their husbands, otherwise, women don’t find it worthwhile."

    If THAT is the issue with their lack of desire, ok, and certainly a husband needs to strive to please his wife physically. But in many cases, and I would say the majority, physical sexual response is NOT the cause of a lack of libido.


  • Ted says: November 15th, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    In response to "3. If he has trouble getting an erection, it doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to you."

    I speak from personal experience when I say he should visit a doctor if he has trouble getting an erection, especially if under 60 years old. It could be a symptom of heart disease. Quite eye opening for unsuspecting men, if you ask me. It's better to be safe then sorry and get checked out.
    There are so many easy solutions that allow the sex life to regain the passion and possibility it once had.

    I do enjoy your article about penis size not being of importance (or maybe I'm biased becuase I'm a guy:) but it's very true, good lovemaking is all about the tender caressing of the head, kissing softly on the cheeks, showing her body is a temple, not just a sex-object.
    Have a great day everyone!

  • Greg Morrison says: November 16th, 2012 at 10:35 am

    I applaud you for allowing a wide range of comments here without censoring them.

    After 30 years of marriage, I've learned a couple of things:
    - Men, if you treat your wives like they're queens... literally, like she is more important than you are... her words, her opinions, her needs, her desires, etc. - then you will enjoy the best sex ever with her, and as often as you want it. It took me a long time to get this.
    - Be patient with her (remember, she's more important than you are) if you have children. There is something that happens to your wife when she becomes a mommy. Be patient. Give her a break and rub her neck. You will be greatly rewarded when you become empty nesters!
    - Trust is the key ingredient to great sex.

    We are grandparents now, and we have sex as much as we did when we were first married. And, of course, it is SO much better after 30 years of practice!

  • Em Es says: November 18th, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    To Greg Morrison,
    Oh man, will you pound some of your thoughts and knowledge in to my husbands brain? I too, have been married a while (29 years) and am frustrated because it is only getting worse. He has lost a lot of his libido while mine has increased. He has never been able to last longer than 8 seconds, literally. Well, a few times he has but it's not pleasurable for him to try to hold off then that makes me even more tense thinking I'm too slow. So I typically have one "Oh Yeah" to his 50. Did that make sense? He will not talk to me, about pretty much anything. Never compliments me.

  • Bernice says: June 22nd, 2013 at 10:34 am

    I totally agree once you give yourself completely to your lover best relationship ever.:)

  • LOUISE says: July 17th, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    I think this blog is Great! So many women do have a negative perspective on sex and the marriage suffers. There is a whole book in the bible ladies which is the song of Solomon that speaks of the beauty of sex as well as the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5. Some people don't read and translate it as it really means according to God, which is sad. It's only bad when you’re not married. This is the reason we have such a naughty thought on it. While we were single it was pounded in our heads how awful sex was, so that we would restrain from it until we are married. However, like anything that you are told over and over you soon believe that it is true. Then we bring that thinking into the marriage. We as women just have to retrain ourselves to believe sex is a wonderful pleasure we should experience to the fullest with our husbands as God intended it to be.

  • Serena says: July 23rd, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    This was a good article. Too bad you had to get all theistic.

  • JB says: July 24th, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Serena, glad you found this site. It is a great source of information for married couples. It is also specifically written for Christian marriages and while Julie's posts are applicable to all couples, her "theistic" writing is one reason most of us read them. You can't take God out of the sexual relationship within marriage. After all, it was God that designed that aspect of marriage too.

    Read some of the past posts too. Lots of wisdom to be shared. Blessings to you and your spouse.

  • JD says: July 29th, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    It has always been hard for me to give oral sex to my husband. Something that has made it easier is when he washes before hand and I rub something sweet on it to hide the taste (if its gross to you). Men don't mind this...it makes it more exciting to me which makes it more exciting to him!

  • Sara says: August 9th, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    I want to say this is a good post, and in some ways, it is, but it's STILL ALL ABOUT PLEASING HIM. The author acknowledges that it's hard to flip the switch for Christian women (though doesn't acknowledge that the source of it is the huge emphasis we place on purity and not sinning by lusting, etc), but then her instructions for fixing that are STILL all about HIS pleasure. It ends up reading like something out of Cosmo: "here's how you can make things in bed more awesome...for HIM."

    I'm left wondering at how in the world making sex better for the guy is at all going to help women get over sexual repression. Indeed, this ends up reading more like a call to duty - since you're sexually repressed, you're denying your husband pleasure, so here's how to fix that. It's a bandaid that deflects the problems onto the husband, and STILL ignores the idea that women have a sexual drive and could be not getting the satisfaction that they want and need from their husbands.

    It's also quite disturbing that "ask him what he likes" isn't brought up until almost the end of the piece, with, of course, no acknowledgement of what the woman may want or how the woman can get pleasure by COMMUNICATING with her husband.


  • umaderday says: August 21st, 2013 at 12:58 am

    Well said my husband and I have been marfies 23+years and. Have aChristian upbringing and he has serious health issues .but I have found a little coaxing and touching my spouse makes it great for both of us at a intimate level that God created for husband and wife tha k you so much for touching on this subject

  • 3 Sex Mistakes You May Be Making | Intimacy in Marriage says: December 1st, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    […] And as for the penis, you may want to pay more attention to detail in how you touch him (that's partly why I wrote the post 3 Things You Should Know About Your Husband's Penis). […]

  • Km says: November 22nd, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    I have a question. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years and now have 2 children. I have no problem trying to please him and trying new things. I would also prefer to have more sex. I was sexually molested when I was young. He gets frusterated because I am sensitive sometimes if he comes on too strong. For example: he grabs my genitals during the day when passing through the kitchen and sometimes in front of our young children. Or just grabbing my breasts without even kissing me. Almost always doing these things without kissing. Also sex usually begins without kissing or any warm up. I feel violated and disgusted. Is this normal? Am I overreacting?

    I bring it up and he thinks I am being too sensitive.

  • MyDingDongSaysUrWrong says: December 6th, 2014 at 2:47 am

    As a man and husband, I must strongly disagree with the part about engaging him in conversation. Especially when stress, worries or tiredness prevent our penises from functioning like machinery where there's simply a switch to be flipped! Us men are human beings with feelings, moods and emotions... believe it or not. And our masculine way of dealing with these feelings is often NOT to strike up a conversation about it! Especially in a moment like THAT where stressful thoughts are already all too distracting and present on our minds to the point that our penis is temporarily out-performed by our problem solving techniques. It is perfectly NORMAL as a healthy man not to have a rock hard throbbing erection every time we take off our pants or lay eyes on our spouse! And that's not because we're poor multi-taskers either, ladies. The last thing I want in times like that is to over-analyze the situation and hash it out with exhausting, endless explanations and reassuring counseling conversations. THAT's definitely not gonna get me to "open up" or make my dick hard! But a nice quiet, relaxing, stress relieving back and/or butt massage might! Even better if it includes tickling my balls and scrotum. So try to be sensitive and observant enough to consider that the next time your man doesn't pop an instant boner at the sight of you. Something else to know about your man and his penis! I resent uninformed write-ups like this that make women look like they don't have a clue!

  • Shanna says: December 17th, 2014 at 7:16 am

    I think that it has a lot to do with the man if a man is hard to please after you have done every thing for them and they still complain who want to continue doing things to please them. Another thing I think a lot of woman know if they start a particular thing for a man that we will constantly be looking for it. Just like the man woman have needs too it's not like we are ready to just jump into bed without being showed some attention to get us in the mood most women are tired from dealing with children they have jobs and mental stress as well. So therefore it's atwo way street a marriage has to be on the same page there must be respect between the two. The time must be right the mood has to be right also!!!!!

  • Mantis says: January 12th, 2015 at 12:43 am

    How do I get my wife to turn on her switch more often then just every 10 years? In 1995 and 1996 my wife and I had a lot of sex together. We were having the kind of sex that Aloha above recommended, but after 1996, her switch turned off, but then all of a sudden it turned back on again in 2005-2006 and then again turned off after that time. I've tried everything to get her switch to turn back on, but without any success. I have no idea how I turned her switch on the previous times. Why every ten years?

    To make matters worse, we now have less of a chance to have sex because we are living apart from each other now. We are not separated. It was just the way it worked out. In 2014, we sold our house to buy a retirement home early because I was unemployed at the time and we both knew that we needed to buy a house that didn't have a mortgage. It was a deal that we couldn't pass up. We bought a house in a town where we planned to retire, where her first cousins reside and close to where my daughter is going to school. Unfortunately for me, I can't find work there so I've had to stay close to where we use to live to find employment (360 miles away). I only get to visit about 2 weekends per month.

    Life really sucks for Christians these days. Not only do we have less sex, but I can't even live with my family everyday. I am going to have to wait until I retire (6 years from now) just to be with my wife again.

  • Mary N says: February 13th, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    Being 55 and married 30 years I can understand why flipping the switch is important. But its not every thing life has to offer. What hurts sometimes builds character loving unconditionally is best. Better days are coming that's our motto. And it has for us but not without any pian times.

  • MJ says: June 15th, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Old post, only a bit related to my problem, but got to ask somebody so here goes.

    Hubby's libido has always been off and on. Never know if we will have sex four nights in a row or go a week or more without.

    Mostly because he has left me no room to initiate! He hates having his penis touched, tolerates oral if I let him take over and choke me, and rarely likes a lingering kiss. Everything seems to be okay if it's his idea. Mine? Not so much. Cannot be seduced.Doesn't respond to lingerie or any attempts to keep myself attractive unless he is in the mood to pleasure me. Don't get me wrong. It is darn nice when he wants to touch me. He is generous-a bit rough-but generous, but, tired of getting brushed off when I try to start or reciprocate. I have even tried just being blunt, getting him to talk, but he will have none of it. Says most women wouldn't complain. He doesn't get that this has me feeling like I am just a convenient body, that I have no skills to pleasure him, and that I have nothing to give besides the right parts. Guess I have no great question here but just had to get this out. So frustrated and feel really alone in this weird problem.

  • Larry B says: June 17th, 2015 at 2:12 pm

    @ MJ:

    Your comment, among others on this blog, indicates that there is a serious need for some husbands to improve or adjust their mindset and attitude as regards sex within their marriage. A husband ought not respond negatively when his wife initiates or tries to initiate lovemaking. A refusing spouse, husband or wife, is wrong to refuse.

    As a husband of many years, this attitude baffles me. Husbands, too, need to take their marriage vows seriously. Getting such a husband to admit that there is a problem with his mindset may be the biggest challenge.

  • TR says: July 6th, 2015 at 12:37 am

    A couple's healthy relationship starts with a healthy relationship with God. If we rely on Him for our salvation, value, meaning, satisfaction, joy, etc, then we, empowered by the Holy Spirit, can selflessly love our spouses in all areas of life.

    A marriage is an earthly representation of Christ's perfect love, sacrifice, and union with the church. Sex, in it's rightful place, is the physical representation of a man and woman being one flesh. If there is unrepented sin, division, or dissention in the relationship, then it makes sense that sex, the ultimate symbol of unity, would be awkward, uncomfortable, and/or painful.

    God loved us first so that we in turn can love Him and love each other which results in more glory to God.

    Concerning sex itself there is a commonly neglected hot spot: nipples. Many men have sensitive nipples and will respond positively to stimulation by gentle flicking from the tongue, tender tweaking between the fingers, or lightly but quickly stroking the tips. Try both nipples at once. This is effective as a part of foreplay and arousal as well as upping intensity during the throws of intercourse.

  • hlonny says: July 12th, 2015 at 8:16 am

    I have been struggling for a long time,im going to try this tonight.

  • uxorious says: July 14th, 2015 at 8:59 am

    I think the church has ended up churning out more hypocrites than saints with its sex-is-sin teachings. The younger christian generation is seeking knowledge from other sources. We teach them sex is taboo, evil, sinful and ugly. They imbibe these teachings, and gradually learn to shut off all of their sexual feelings. Then all of a sudden, we feel they are old enough for marriage, we begin to tell them sex is beautiful and created by God to be enjoyed. and then we begin to wonder why the young men would detest and beat their wives, why some of them would refuse to marry, etc. Imagine a young christian man who had never seen a naked woman before being confronted with the terror of it all on his wedding night. picture their embarrassment especially when there has been no theoretical teaching on sex at all. marriage revolves around sex. I believe we can lecture the younger ones on sex without losing them to fornication. It's high time the church woke up.

  • Christian Husband of 38 yrs says: July 15th, 2015 at 8:08 am


    With regard to your 3rd item: Yes, as we guys get older, quite a few of us do have increasing troubles with getting and keeping an erection. It most assuredly DOES NOT have anything to do with how we feel toward our wives. It DOES have everything to do with aging and increasingly out-of-shape bodies, and with declining testosterone levels. Women have menopause, we have this.

    There are little pills of course, incessantly advertised, that help most men most of the time, but even these are not 100% effective 100% of the time for 100% of men. Eating right, exercising vigorously, and getting the weight down often helps - that should be a great motivator! Somewhat surprisingly, one partial cure for these sexual difficulties is to have more sex, as that does apparently stimulate the production of testosterone.

    One thing is essential, though: wives need to be very understanding, sympathetic, patient, and loving toward their husbands, and both of them have to be open-minded enough to try different things. In particular, when the guy just can't manage to do what he has to do to perform for intercourse, then it is time to switch to what I and some others have delicately referred to as "outercourse". The couple can still enjoy close intimacy, and they can both still share the joy of giving each other intensely pleasurable orgasms. It is important that they do so, because this will stimulate the husband's testosterone levels, "keep him in the game" for continuing sexual activity over the long term, and may even help increase your odds that the next time intercourse will be possible.

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