authentic, intimacy, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles
Does this Blog Make Me Look Hot?
Ahh. A new year. When you think of sexual intimacy in marriage in the upcoming year, what emotions stir within you? Anticipation? Excitement? Dread? Are you wanting things to look different — maybe even better?
I know in my last post 3 Reasons Your Husband Likes It When You Climax, I mentioned that my next post would touch upon why “faking it” hurts your relationship. That’s coming.
First, though, I want to give props to Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband fame. He recently named my blog as one of his Top 10 for 2010. This is a huge honor people, because Paul and his wife Lori are forerunners in talking about sex in the Christian arena. They rock! They aren’t afraid to talk about sex in an authentic way, all in an effort to really encourage couples in their marriages. We need more of what the Byerlys offer — a positive and godly take on sexual intimacy.
The internet does not have to be commandeered by detestable sexual behavior, which deeply grieves God’s heart. The more we celebrate blogs and resources that talk about sexual intimacy as the Lord intended it, the more we say “no” to the enemy’s schemes. I’m just saying. Let’s do what we can to stop giving that crafty Satan a foothold.
Now, I’m not trying to just draw attention to my blog. Check out the list and you’ll see the other tremendous blogs Paul has included. I have become acquainted with some of these bloggers and consider it a huge honor to be hanging out on the same list with them.
What does 2011 hold for you? Now’s the time to take stock of what’s happening in your marriage sexually. Now. Not later. Not in six months. Not when the kids are grown. Not when the house is paid off. Not when the job stress settles down. Now.
Don’t know where to start? Well, my suggestion is start with God. Vulnerably lay your heart before Him… all the hurt, all the crap, all the frustration, all the confusion, all the disappointment, all the desires. (Yeah, I know… not an easy thing to do. But hey, He already is well aware of what is breaking your heart. You might as well press into Him and talk to Him about it).
And as He leads, take it upon yourself to intentionally seek resources to help you grow, learn, assess, and move in the direction of healthy sexual intimacy patterns. Explore fresh insights through blogs, books, seminars, etc.
Here’s my mantra that I say often… sexual intimacy is such a sensitive issue, especially among Christians, that you have to have the courage to glean what resonates with your situation and then let the rest go. Don’t be afraid of your ability to do this. Too often I meet Christians who are in the muck of horrible patterns in their sexual intimacy in marriage, and yet they quickly become paralyzed when they look closer at sexual intimacy resources, even Christian resources.
Have you ever stumbled across a few things in Christian resources that don’t jive with your beliefs, so you “throw the baby out with the bathwater”? Come on. You’re brighter than that. A better approach is to glean, glean, glean. Look for the nuggets of gold. Keep reading. Keep growing. Keep praying. Find safe confidantes (women confidantes for women and men confidantes for men). At any rate, don’t settle for painful isolation when there is even a glimmer of hope that things could look phenomenally different sexually or you could at least discover new ways to journey.
So, does this blog make me hot? If there are topics you would like to see addressed here, let me know, okay? My goal is to blog at least 3-4 times a week (isn’t that crazily ambitious?!! We’ll see. The year’s still young. And I’m already jacked up on caffeine today, so that’s maybe what is making me a little delusional).
Never miss a post by subscribing to the RSS feed thingy. I have no idea how that works, but I’m hoping to become a little less technically challenged in 2011 (see…there’s the caffeine speaking again).
And if you want an opportunity to win a free book once a month, get on my eNewsletter list. I randomly pull a name from that list each month. Just gave books away to Laura in California and Joe in Texas. They both chose the book by my friends Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo called Stripped Down. I reviewed it on my blog here.
Happy 2011! Here is to a new year. Fresh beginnings. Makes me think of Lamentations… His mercies are indeed fresh every morning. Every single morning. That’s the God we serve and love.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert, Sexual Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Just had my 12 anniversary with my wife. I’ve followed all the usual advice. I help around the house, interact and love on our kids, give her attention, go on dates, etc., but our sex life sucks.
I can talk her into it about once a month. When I do, it’s always the same. Missionary. She takes about 30-45 minutes to psych herself up. We do it and that’s it. There’s not much foreplay (despite my best attempts). No oral. She doesn’t even like me to look at her. I tell her how beautiful she is, but she makes faces or looks away.
She says she loves me, but is never in the mood. It’s just so frustrating. I love her, but this really hurts. She’s never orgasmed b/c even when she would let me do what it would take, she’d always stop me before she got too close. I think it’s that she likes being in control.
Before our first child (now 9 years old). We’d have sex 3 times a week. It wasn’t too creative, but at least I could touch her with my hands and occasionally we’d do oral and other positions.
Any help would be appreciated. I’m strongly committed to her and hate the thoughts that occasionally pop in my head that the only recourse is divorce. I’m just so tired of fighting about it and feeling like I’ll never get to love her like I can.
Sad and in love
Hi Mr. Sad,
maybe this is not the right place. Why don’t you go and put your story on “The Marriage Bed” forum, they have great people there helping others in situations like you described.
My first questions to you, however, would be: – Have you talked to your wife about this? – Have you thought professional counsel? You are already talking about divorce but you are not trying to really resolve this first? (At least I don’t see any appropriate effort by you in your story) – Did you ask her what SHE feels about this clear sin in not providing physically for you as part of her marriage covenant? Is there anything else that she might feel YOU are not doing for her? Do you often enough talk ABOUT your marriage with each other?
Congrats on making the Best of 2010 List!
My wife and I have recently been doing exactly this, gleaning. In order to improve our sexual intimacy, we’ve started gathering information. There is so much out there that it’s hard to know where to start, and once we did start it was so easy to be overwhelmed with stuff we didn’t agree with or simply didn’t care for.
We decided to go ahead and keep looking, even if the first page we flipped to didn’t appeal to us. We still give the book a try. Maybe there are a couple of chapters we completely skip over, but there could be one bit of information in another chapter that we find to be perfect for us.
As usual, you rock! Keep up the good work, and my wife says thanks, she reads your blogs to, mostly because I post them in my marriage group listed above. If you ever want to write something for my blog or group, please let me know.
Congrats Julie on this post… way to go!