authentic, sexual intimacy, Uncategorized
Why Sex in Marriage is Totally Hot
Oct
We buy our dog food at a feed and grain store that happens to be in the city, rather than in a quaint rural setting.
(I imagine long ago it was out in the country…before the city did what cities do, gobbling up quiet dusty roads and turning them into meticulously straight paths bordered by well-aligned houses.)
I love the feed and grain store.
The heavy door swings open to the simultaneous sound of a creak and a jingling bell.
Rudimentary shelving is stacked with bags of dog food, bird seed and a sundry of supplies for farm animals. A lazy cat sleeps the day away on the counter, squinting its eyes shut and offering up a deeply-contented purr every time a customer runs their fingers over its soft coat.
A yellow lab saunters around the place and plops himself down on the wood floors like it is his home. (Who knows? Maybe it is.)
The distinct aroma of fertilizer, sawdust and seed permeates the air, ushering in a memory of a calmer time in history.
I actually walked in one day to find a pen full of chicks scurrying around, if you can believe it.
The feed and grain store resonates with comfort and familiarity.
And every time I walk in, I briefly wonder what it would be like if my whole life felt like the feed and grain store.
“What on earth does this have to do with sex, Julie?” (I figured I’d throw the question out there in case you were wondering it anyway).
Well, my whole life doesn’t feel like the feed and grain store, but some of it does.
Sex does.
Yes, sex in my marriage feels like the feed and grain store.
What?!
It’s true.
Here’s why… sex with my husband resonates with comfort and familiarity. The sex gets better — hotter — the more years I spend with this man… the more years I have sex exclusively with this one man.
This is such contrary thinking to the “friends with benefits” culture that says more partners means more sexual variety, which obviously is just… well… more fun, right?!
Or not.
Have you ever noticed that marital sexual intimacy is usually fodder for comedy in entertainment? I think this is because the entertainment industry is bent on perpetuating the more marketable idea that single people have the corner on incredibly hot sex.
And apparently, according to many of the messages floating around, casual sex with a variety of partners makes it all the hotter.
But those of us with nurtured sexual intimacy in our marriage bed know better.
The gig is up, so to speak. We are quick to discern that what makes sex phenomenal is the familiarity, transparency, and “knowing” that is inherent with a commitment to stay.
And by “stay” I mean for more than just the night.
I think it’s awesome that Deuteronomy 24:5 in the Old Testament tells us that “if a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.”
I wonder how closely such a verse was obeyed back in the day. (Too bad it’s not a universally accepted practice now, huh?)
One glimpse at the verse should reveal the deep consideration God gave to His vision for marriage.
He wants a husband and wife to grow in their familiarity with one another, that it would deepen their resolve to not only understand doing life together, but enjoying all it has to offer as well, including extraordinary sexual intimacy.
…that they would intuitively recognize and respond to each other’s touch in a way that cannot be known by a mere casual encounter.
Sex in marriage has the potential to usher in a comfort and familiarity to which we can’t help but want to return again and again.
Let the evening comedy shows or singles sleeping around say what they want, but as for me, I know the best place to go for the hottest sex.
And I know — I really know — who will be there when I get there.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
“He wants a husband and wife to grow in their familiarity with one another, that it would deepen their resolve to not only understand doing life together, but enjoying all it has to offer as well, including extraordinary sexual intimacy.”
LOVE that quote! Waiting and hoping for that someday.
Excellent post. May God open the eyes of our nation (and world) to His truth about this.
Indeed! I think we Christians need to start doing a better job talking about how awesome sex is when done according to God’s plan. In our silence, we have let the world corner the market, at least in terms of perception. I love Kevin Lehman’s line from hie “Making the Most of Marriage” series:
“If there is anyone who should be talking about how awesome sex is, IT IS THE CHURCH!”
Julie,
What an incredible post–it’s beautifully written and well-said. When we got married, Tom used that verse from Deut. in the decision he made that we wouldn’t be involved in any ministry in the church for the first year of our marriage. It was a wonderful time where we focused on each other. I felt cherished, loved and adored. And I still do.
Fabulous!!:)
Yes, sex with the same partner can be amazing, so long as you work to keep it amazing. I think part of the problem with the stereotype are the marriages where they’ve stopped trying to be innovative in their marriage bed. They’ve given up growing because it’s comfortable. Get uncomfortable once in a while! That’s how you keep the sex hot in marriage! I wrote about this here: http://sexwithinmarriage.com/2012/07/how-to-spice-up-your-sex-life/
It is not what your expecting from a “spice up your love life” post.
Rob and I often joke that sex is a 20-year warm up! Our intimacy is much more rich and fun than it was years ago, and I can SO relate with your perspective about feeling warm and comfortable with sex as a long-time married couple.
Our adult son and daughter-in-love are living with us for about 2 months as their house is being completed. It’s a new adventure to sneak in some time to be intimate… (we go out one day a week to leave them time to not feel inhibited)
Julie, this was an excellent post. I agree with it 100%. Married sex, the way God intended, is absolutely glorious!
Julie,
I love the scripture from Deuteronomy. The Israelite’s did it right. Wish we could afford this for our kids as well.
Great post! I never dreamed that I could love my bride more now than on our wedding day. And yes, the intimacy keeps getting better.
I love this post and the Scripture verse you used from Deuteronomy. I think my husband would’ve stayed home from the workforce a lot during our first year of marriage if the real world would’ve allowed him to in order to bring me more happiness.
I haven’t been married all that long (almost 2 years) but I can say that sex is better now than it was when we first started. I totally agree that marital intimacy is ten times hotter because it’s more admirable and honorable to keep coming back to the same man time and time again who wants me every single time, and wants me more than the last time. I think the one man-one woman thing that the Bible talks about makes a man and a woman, not multiple sex partners. The guarantee that I have that my husband will put up with my sexual struggles and help me through them and love me tenderly, gently, and passionately all the way is so beautiful it brings me to tears. And I’m willing to do the same for him. We are continually getting to know each other on the marriage bed, learning about each other’s needs/desires, implementing new things, and getting the chance to do it over and over and over again. I can’t wait to experience sex to the fullest with my husband well into our older years!
Amen!! 🙂 We’re twenty one-ish years married and it’s hotter than ever. Wouldn’t trade it for anything!!
I really liked this post. Having ventured outside of my own marriage bed, at the time, it seemed like the sex was better. But it always left me feeling dirty and used. I was coerced into doing things I would never normally have done, things that I am ashamed of. When I came home and God restored my marriage, there was finally NO ONE else in the bed but me and my husband. And it has been the best 7 months of our marriage, emotionally, spiritually, AND in the bedroom!
Well, our intimacy in marriage grew (over two and a half decades) to such a sweet point that I can hardly call it “intimacy” anymore 😳 And we were given the chance to learn about quite a number of other married couples and their intimacies. Thus, from practice, I can tell that Hollywood is (as usually) on the pervert liar’s side — who knows?, maybe they’re so stressed with their own lifestyle that they wish to promote it as the hottest and greatest. However, invariably, real life indicates that casual sex out of marriage is detrimental to your physical and mental health. I’m not sure if a wife would need as much spicing up as her hubby, to kill boredom, that is. But mine got so inventive with spicing up our married sex life that I can’t even mention about it on your blog.
Excellent article! Wish the not-yet married could read it and tinker with their think-box a bit more about life-changing decisions to make. I can see that you started to blog daily, that’s great. Thank you, Julie!