marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Do You Have Sexual Blind Spots?
Jun
If you bought a ticket for a seat in a new $131 million baseball stadium, you would be fairly confident you would actually be able to see home plate, right?
Well, just make sure that ticket isn’t for Seat 1, Row K, section 321 at TD Ameritrade Park in Omaha.
There are actually 4 seats with obscured home plate views in this new stadium, home of the Men’s College World Series. The NCAA told Omaha that if the city wanted to keep hosting the series, it would have to build a new stadium — which the city did (much to the chagrin of several taxpayers, I might add).
It wasn’t until the stadium debuted last year that the slight misjudgment in measuring came to light. The section 321 debacle is due to the edge of some luxury boxes obscuring the view.
I wonder what someone in charge says to blind spots like that?
Oops.
This issue with the stadium did make me think about how easily we can have blind spots in our sexual intimacy. (There I go again. Talking about sex and baseball in the same post. Now, if I could just work food in here somewhere, I’ll have covered my three favorite activities).
Anyway, my point is — and I do have one — that our marriages are worth our willingness to recognize that we could have blind spots in our sexual intimacy. Most of us do at one point or another.
Better still is once we become aware of those blind spots, we humbly do something about them.
In my example of the baseball stadium, I think the ticket sales manager should train all ticket office employees to point out to purchasers that the view of home plate is obscured in four particular seats. Last news report I heard is that the ticket sellers are still not disclosing this information, despite all the news coverage about it.
Sad. Slightly pathetic, if you ask me.
Why on earth would they not be up front about this?
Do they really want fans in those seats to be disappointed that their experience is not going to be as enjoyable as they had expected it would be?
Unfortunately, the same thing sometimes happens with sex in marriage.
Two people stand at an altar, eagerly anticipating marriage, with the expectation it will include enjoyable God-honoring sex. In some marriages, one of those spouses becomes deeply disappointed that the experience is not anywhere close to what they expected.
That scenario can happen for a variety of reasons, but sometimes it happens when one person holds all the keys to sex — rationing it, denying it, manipulating it, and so forth.
What is supposed to be a bonding and enjoyable experience becomes a source of contention, division and frustration.
Take a deep breath, assess the tone and atmosphere of sex in your marriage, and ask yourself if something is a bit askew.
Do you have blind spots that are sabotaging sexual intimacy with your spouse?
Here are a few that may resonate eerily familiar to you…
Have you believed that infrequent or non-existent sex is “just what happens as a marriage moves along?”
Without good reason, are you stubbornly against sexual variety that really isn’t prohibited biblically? (The best example I can give is insisting sex happen only in missionary position, even if your husband has expressed wanting to try other positions.)
Do you believe that your sexual pleasure is not important? (I’m convinced that one reason so many wives fall into the routine of “going through the motions” sexually is that they are not experiencing orgasm — and they won’t do what it takes to understand their own bodies and/or teach their husbands how to stimulate them sexually).
Are you scared of sexual pleasure — scared you will lose control or that you don’t deserve it?
Are you using body image and/or modesty as an excuse to not have sex?
Have you believed a false teaching on marital sex, like that it is wrong, gross, dirty or sinful?
Do you think that sexual intimacy struggles will sort themselves out all on their own, without some genuine effort, conversation, prayer and change?
Have you given your husband the impression that his body and sex disgust you?
Do you justify your refusal of sex because your girlfriends, even your Christian girlfriends, don’t like sex with their husbands?
Do you think your struggles with sex are God’s punishment for past sin or promiscuity?
These are just a few possible blind spots.
Given the opportunity, I’m sure we could come up with more.
Just know that whatever yours are, there is grace and guidance from the Lord. He is ready to show you a healthier way, but He asks that you take the courageous first step to humble yourself — and then actually start walking toward that healthier path.
If you can’t see home plate from where you are sitting, it’s time to do something differently.
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
BLIND SPOTS IN THE NEW STADIUM?? I would be devastated if those were my family’s seats. We’ve been watching hours and hours of this World series (including as I type this) and thinking of you up there in Omaha. Someday I’ll actually come watch in person with Nathan or Jordan. (We still have 2 more seasons to hope Jordan could actually compete in it.)
Anyway, that is a brilliant analogy to married sex. The overwhelming disappointment of looking forward to something with so much exuberance and then being BLOCKED from it is heartbreaking.
I’m so thankful for that turn around those years ago in my marriage. Love is good.
Such a good post Julie. Sex is such an important element of feeling close to your partner that I always encourage couples who are having such difficulties to face up to it and speak to a counsellor before it’s too late. Sometimes once the rot sets in it can very difficult to deal with.
I’ll tweet this out. Have a great Friday
Grace
A great reminder and challenge that sexual intimacy is worth fighting for, especially as I’m sure I’m not the only person who, over the years, (whether directly or implied) have heard the statement “married sex?” mentioned as a big joke.
Julie, I’m so thankful for blogs like yours that are intentional about standing up for the truth and reclaiming lost territory. Praying Galatians 6:9 in all of this: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Baseball and sex? I’m so there.
I agree with your analogy, Julie. Unfortunately, some spouses want to just leave the stadium rather than address the blind spots. Great post!
Mine is trying really hard to learn not to “disengage” during sex … not easy to do … but the other night I was super concious about it and did really well … stayed “there” about 95% which is a huge accomplishment … praying I can keep staying “there” and stop disengaging … I have done this forever and it’s hard to break … I’m sure it comes from being married (my first lover) to an alcoholic abusive creep, that literally figured sex was all for him … lasted 4 years … new hubby is so totally different … and after 21 years you’d think I would have stopped dissengaging … but I haven’t … I’m willing to keep trying and learning … hubby knows none of this … not sure how to share that … any suggestions?
Thanks Sandra for the comment…
Disengaging is a common challenge, particularly for women… even women who do not have a history of a selfish and/or abusive first husband. We wives are such multi-taskers.
A few suggestions… if you think you are still struggling with unresolved pain from the past, even if it was long ago, don’t rule out getting some counseling to sort through those issues and find healing.
Also, maybe try to find a way to “prepare” for sex that lets you let go of the day’s stresses, responsibilities, etc. I think a hot bath is a good approach.
Another suggestion… have sex with the lights on, even if it a nightstand lamp or candles. The added component of being able to see each other can help you focus. Also, talking during sex can help… meaning tell him what feels good and ask him to tell you what he likes… this kind of verbal interaction, even sounds and moans of pleasure, can help you stay focused.
Hope some of these ideas are helpful…
Julie
Julie – thanks for this. Blind spots are so annoying because even if you think you have them, YOU CAN’T SEE THEM!
My team (South Carolina) is still in the CWS – although tonight is “make it or break it!” I would be pretty mad if I had paid for one of those seats.
Thanks for this post. I need to take a look at myself and see if I have any “blind spots.”
Ha GC… thanks for the comment! We are actually rooting for Arizona. Being Omaha natives, we tend to root for the underdog. We’ve been to three games this year and really have had a good time. It’s such a great event for Omaha!
Yes! I have blind spots. I don’t like the way my husband gets so “into” sex but I don’t say what it would take to satisfy me. I don’t know why. Im scared, I guess. I feel like because I had other partners who just “knew” that now I’m being punished? I don’t like my body and the shape I’m in right now so I don’t feel comfortable when he tells me I’m beautiful. I know I need to take this to the Lord, and I do. But my mind says otherwise when I look in the mirror or when I put on a pair of pants that don’t fit. I guess Im discouraged and need to spend quality time with the Lord and my man.
Thanks for your realness @Shane… I think the enemy certainly tries so hard to take hold of this area of our marriages, whether it be with lies about body image or past promiscuity or so on.
You are deeply loved by the Lord. I’m sorry for your discouragement, but I know that you are on the right track when you say you need to spend some quality time with the Lord and your man. So true…
Be encouraged and blessed.