Notice I didn’t say 3 “Easy” Steps.
I want to be real with you. I know what it takes to love sex in marriage. But as is the case with anything worth having, it’s likely not going to be easy.
It’s going to be worth it, though.
Given the choice between mediocre occasional obligatory sex and soul-drenching enjoyable frequent sex, what would you choose? Seriously ponder that question a moment.
My guess is this post will resonate primarily with people who have been hesitant to nurture sex or address sexual struggles, despite their spouse’s pleas that sex take a greater priority in the marriage. You see this post as a wake-up call and you are ready to be woke.
You want to address the struggles, no matter how deep or longstanding they are. You want to start loving sex in your marriage instead of despising it or ignoring it.
The post may also strike a chord with couples where both the husband and wife recognize sex has fallen by the wayside—and they together want to change that dynamic.
Do you want to love sex in your marriage? Here are 3 steps in that direction…
1. Pay attention to what is influencing you
What perspectives on sex have you embraced over the years? Did the messages with which you built your mental framework about sex paint a negative picture of sex in marriage? Or did those messages paint a vibrant picture?
Do you see sex as being good and holy and worthy of pursuit? Or do you see it as insignificant or confusing or scary?
Take stock of why you think the way you do about sex. Look closely at the narrative you tell yourself about sex. While you are at it, raise your awareness on what is influencing you now regarding sex in your marriage.
Sometimes individuals or couples become entrenched in a mindset that sex in marriage is “boring” or that sex in general is “gross” or that sex is just something you “have to do,” rather than something you get to do.
If your narrative doesn’t align with God’s beautiful and holy and passionate design and vision for sex in marriage, then it’s time to find new influences. Want to love sex in your marriage? Set good boundaries on any voices that tell you sex isn’t worth loving.
And then seek God and Christian advocates for healthy sexual intimacy in marriage. Those are the voices that will help you embrace that sex is worth loving.
2. Give yourself permission to learn what is pleasurable
Real-life sex isn’t like make-believe romantic movie sex. Real sex takes a willingness to explore pleasure with each other—and a humble willingness to be taught by each other. There’s a lot of trial and error involved in enjoying sex.
And that’s not only okay, it’s exciting!
I’m convinced loving sex in your marriage is intricately tied to how pleasurable it is. Pleasure does matter. A big part of that is physical arousal and pleasure, of course, but I’m also talking about the emotional and spiritual connection that happens within healthy sexual intimacy.
Do you know what arouses your spouse? Do you know what makes their orgasm profound? Do you know what helps them feel completely safe in being vulnerable in a good way…immense and transformational vulnerability?
All good questions, for sure. But guess what? You also need to ask the exact same questions about yourself.
Give yourself permission to find the answers to all the questions. It’s okay that you don’t have it all figured out yet, even if you have been married a long time. And it’s okay that you have sexual struggles that you have downplayed until now.
You can lament over regrets and should haves and could haves and would haves. But hear my heart on this. Your time would be better spent starting where you are now and moving forward with intention to learn. And to keep learning.
3. Don’t assume your spouse knows your desires
I get that there can be something sexy about subtlety. Sometimes it can be a sweet dance of cat and mouse as we hint at desires without coming right out and saying them.
But the married couples who love sex in their marriage do not rely too heavily on subtlety when it comes to sexual desire. The more comfortable you become in not only expressing sexual desire clearly, but also making known what arouses you, the healthier your sexual connection will become.
Want to become more confident and comfortable expressing sexual desire? Then express sexual desire more. Comfort and confidence come with frequency.
People who love sex in their marriage are not tripped up the stereotype that married sex is boring or rare. They know better. They embrace sex as sacred and erotic…passionate and intimate.
Do you want to love sex in your marriage? What are you going to do to make that your reality?
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.