authentic, intimacy, marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized
Most Creative, Lame or Hurtful Excuses for Denying Sex?
Apr
It’s a question. I’m genuinely asking.
What are the most creative, lame or hurtful excuses for sexual denial you’ve either given or received in your marriage?
I thought it would be interesting to collect some of these excuses in one spot. Mind you, I’m not making light of sexual denial (simply read my post Do You Deny Your Spouse Sex? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself to see how serious I am about the topic.)
I hear from many people whose marriages have been a place of ongoing sexual denial for no justifiable reason. It got me thinking, “Hmmm. I wonder what some of the specific excuses have been?”
Want to share an excuse you’ve either given or received? (Yes, I know. I will probably receive more that have been received than given, but I thought I would cast with a wide net).
The good news is you can do it anonymously. Simply comment on this post with the excuse. You don’t have to use your real name or real email address. BUT I do moderate comments to keep SPAM from filling up my comment sections on posts, so if you don’t see your comment right away, be patient. I’ll approve comments quickly so they appear. Please refrain from using profanity.
Down the road, I will do a follow up post listing all the creative, lame and hurtful excuses.
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
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The dog is acting funny is the worst one.
I’m tired, or I have a headache again tonight, or that’s lasted 5 years (the length of our marriage). Another is the I don’t feel good.
“I need to go see my completely healthy mother. She asked me to run an errand or errands for/with her even though you took off today for us time”
You are too heavy. (I lost 144lbs)
Kids are not asleep (Built a guest house for the last one still at home)
Past porn use (absolutely my fault but clean for years)
Too light in here (room darkening shades added)
Too tired (not for the things she wants to do)
Etc. etc. etc.
There is truth to all of these but I know none are the real reason. When pressed she just gets angry and shuts down.
Well, I don’t have any as good as those. When I was in my 20’s, I was perpetually in need of sex. I realize now, it was acceptance of me I was after, as well as out of control hormones.
The following were offered:
Is that all you ever think about?
You have sex on the brain.
My favorite:
It’s never enough, is it?
Word to females: If you are in your 20’s, that truly is a lot of what a guy thinks about. Wanting to connect with you, and then, often, if it’s good, it drives up desire even more. It connects to you profoundly in ways most women don’t get.
As to “It’s never enough!”–I once stopped the wife cold with that one. She LOVES chocolate cake. She would buy a piece at Rosa’s and eat it for week, just a little at a time. I said, “Hey, do you like that cake?” She replied, “Why yes, it’s the best!” So I said, “Is it so good, you ate a piece and you will never want it again?” “No,” she replied. “I just want it more. I love chocolate cake!” I replied, “Bingo on good sex for me.”
It’s all on the point of view.
We have Church tomorrow.
—
Sure, we can … but its not going to be that great.
I forgot the week of refusals, every week:
Sunday – spent all day at church. Too tired and work tomorrow.
Monday – yuck first day of work, to haggard
Tues – still recovering from monday
Wed – church tonight
Thurs – maybe, if everything is perfect and the universe aligns
Fri – too tired from work all week, want to go to bed early so can sleep in
Sat – gotta get up early for church tomorrow
This was a real conversation….Sunday afternoon
Me: could you be talked into some play time?
Her: Are you kidding? After what you did this week?
Me: Frantically trying to recall my “crime” Help me out. what did I do?
Her: ‘Huff!’ “Typical.” You put a peanut-butter spoon in the sink Wednesday night, and left it there ALL NIGHT!
Me: OMG. Call the press! Hell, Call SWAT! Call the divorce attorney! Are you fucking kidding ME?! That’s your excuse this week? Surely you can come up with something better than that?
Needless to say, when you don’t want to do something, any excuse will do…
For many years, sex on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday pretty much never happened ever. Too tired, starting the week etc. MAYBE Thursday. Friday, don’t even ask, too tired from the long week. Saturday is too busy.
We used to have to sex about 3 times a month, which wasn’t enough for me. Wife agreed to sex once a week on Sunday night and I could ASK one other time during the week. She didn’t like turning me down, so no asking every day.
“The kids are awake.”
“The kids are asleep.”
“I haven’t shaved my legs.”
“It’s not important to me.”
“My sister might call.”
Aand the stupid, guaranteed last line of lady defense which she’s made sure is ALWAYS the case over 20 years of marriage because she REFUSES to allow otherwise:
“The door is open.”
From the comments above, it does appear that sexual refusal and gate keeping are very serious problems in some Christian marriages (and, no doubt, in many non-Christian marriages also). Where are the pastors and the churches on this issue? This needs to be addressed.
A husband does not have to beg for sex, or have to earn it from his wife. Such thinking that the husband does have to earn sex from his wife is poisonous feminist thinking.
I literally wrote about this a while ago. My answer: “That’s just the way I am.”
(I don’t usually link here, because I don’t want to push my stuff on your blog, but for ease’s sake, here’s the link: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2018/05/07/the-lamest-excuse-for-your-sexual-problems/. Feel free to delete this part!!)
Just fyi Larry B. It’s not just wives. I’ve tried everything to from initiating and being rejected by pushing my hand away & rolling over the other direction, lingerie, talking, begging, marriage counseling, flirty text and emails, you name it. The excuses…thats all you ever think about, I’m too tired, I ate too much, my back hurts, I have to get up early, I don’t want to hear the dog bark, I have a mental block from you self harming (picking at skin) when you were doing EMDR to deal w/ cptsd from childhood trauma and it grossed me out so I can’t get past it even though you haven’t done it for over 4 months. It’s too much work cause you’re asking for foreplay too. The rejection of silence has been the most painful I think. Just rolling over away from me not saying anything. It’s completely crushed me. Like I don’t know what’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to touch me anymore.i can’t even try to initiate anymore because the rejection has destroyed me.