My oldest is 21 and my youngest is 15, so I am way beyond the stage of having littles.
But I remember those days. I know how tiring they can be…the days and the kids. I remember what it felt like to not be able to leave the house unless I had most the house with me.
The sippy cups. The nursing pads. The binky. The blankie. The four sets of clothing.
There are countless joys in parenting littles, but it is simultaneously an exhausting, bewildering and crazy-making stage—what with the trying to keep everyone bathed, clothed, fed, safe and accounted for on any given day.
And by any given day I mean every day. More often than you will care to admit, you will glance around at the chaos that is your life and whisper beneath your breath, “What exactly have we gotten ourselves into?”
You will be too tired to answer that question.
So where does getting sexually passionate fit into this? How are you supposed stay connected sexually with that person who is your partner in this exhausting parenting trek? You know, the one with whom you once had extended make-out sessions and romantic dinners at quaint cafes.
Yeah. That person.
How are you supposed to stay connected sexually to that person? Here are some ideas…
3 Strategies to Stay Connected Sexually When Your Kids are Little
1. Go small. Often.
By small, I mean lots of small gestures of affection. I just think that when you can send up a smoke signal to your spouse that you’re still glad they’re your person, it can help keep the sexual fires burning.
Small gestures of love remind you both that before you donned the parenting hat, you first wore the lover hat.
So kiss. Hug. Touch. Reassure. Be kind. Write a love note every now and then. Be loving with your words and your actions. The more you can build affection, including passionate affection, into your coming and going throughout the day, the easier it will be to connect sexually.
It softens you to each other. Sets the stage, so to speak, to welcome the closing of the bedroom door and the warmth of each other beneath the sheets.
2. Embrace less-than-ideal opportunities
If you are parenting babies and young children, you aren’t going to get too many ideal moments to make love—you know, where the stars align, the house is tidy, the dishes are done, the room temp is just right, and the children are sleeping soundly.
So stop waiting for perfect circumstances.
Instead, embrace the less-than-ideal opportunities. Make the most of quickie sex. Make the most of when the kids are napping. Resist the urge to use that time to always do dishes or laundry or check email.
Dishes and laundry and email can wait, especially if it means you have 30 minutes to get naked with the love of your life. Learn to embrace less-than-ideal opportunities to have sex. Your marriage and your home life will be better for it.
3. Remember who controls the calendar
You do. That’s who controls the calendar. It’s one of the privileges of being the grown ups in the room.
It can be real tempting to fill the calendar up with playdates and toddler music class and various other commitments. And yes, I know there is value to some of that. But what happens too often is those sort of activities with young children can wipe out your energy, leaving you completely depleted by the end of the day.
The same can be said for commitments with extended family. I know for some married couples, this can become a job unto itself—keeping up with all the gatherings with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and so forth.
It all can get to be too much when you have littles. And you end up sacrificing sex. Like all the time. You end up sacrificing sex because everything else got your first fruits. Sex just falls by the wayside while your head was turned and your inbox had you all distracted.
So remember who controls the calendar. You do. Work together as husband and wife to get on the same page and have ninja skills about calendar control. Be incredibly intentional about time for the two of you before you allocate all of it to other activities.
I know that parenting littles is a daunting task. What’s that old saying… the days go slow, but the years fly by. Keep that in mind as you reach for the hand of the person you fell in love with… the one who was next to you when you embarked on this monumental task of raising small people.
The other thing I would add about all three of the above suggestions is that they demonstrate to your kids that your marriage and the intimacy within it are foundational.
No, your kids don’t see you having sex. But they sense it with everything in them if mom and dad are doing well together.
Do not wait for someday to nurture sexual intimacy in your marriage. Those littles who you keep having to stop from running into the street today will grow tomorrow to be kids with soccer practice and Algebra homework and prom dates and college entrance exams.
Every parenting stage has its demands, so do not wait for someday to have sex. The sooner you learn to stay sexually connected with your spouse no matter the stage your’e in, the more sex will be woven into your life.
For more reading, you can cruise through my list of past posts, as well as my page with a bunch of posts on orgasm.
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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2 thoughts on “3 Strategies to Stay Connected Sexually When Your Kids are Little”
You have hit the proverbial nail on the head, and I wish I had had the opportunity and brains to read this type of material 25 years ago. My question now is…”Why is no one writing about how to maintain sexual intimacy in your marriage when you have 20+ – 30+ yr old introvert children living at home, working full time and still not able to afford their own place. So you are all working straight 5 day a week jobs, all getting home at the same time. We are too old to go out for coffee and get busy in the back seat. But no one wants to write about this???
Excellent post, Julie. Spot on!