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Right off the bat, I hope you noticed I didn’t say how to have great sexual intercourse on your wedding night.
I know that’s often the picture we paint for newlyweds.
We build up wedding night sex like it will be all fireworks and indescribable pleasure. The heavens will literally open up and angels will sing, because this is what you’ve waited for!
But most couples heading into the hotel room with those expectations on their wedding night soon discover how unrealistic such expectations are. This can be particularly true among Christians, and even more true if a couple has never had sex (either with each other or ever).
The awesomely good news is the wedding night can be a perfect place to start laying the foundation for authentic sexual intimacy. These are the sort of things I wish someone would have shared with me when I was young adult.
I can’t decide for you what timeframe constitutes before. Some people are of the philosophy that if an engaged couple talks too much about sex too far in advance of actually having it, they’re just fueling unmanageable sexual temptation.
I don’t have those concerns, because I think planning a marriage is a grown-up decision. And grown ups should be able to talk maturely about topics that are instrumental to the health of their marriage, including sex.
If the two of you have different visions of what the wedding night is going to look like, it’s probably going to be a big let down for both of you. To head off all that discouragement and confusion, why not have a few conversations? You need to talk about sex. You need to talk about the wedding night.
A good idea is to go in with an open heart and positive attitude and no script on how things are supposed to be. You two are writing your own story, including your own sexual story, so don’t get tripped up by making all kinds of assumptions.
It takes a lot of the pressure off if you have a shared attitude that the wedding night is about connecting way more than it is about consummating. The best way to arrive at a shared healthy attitude? Talk.
God is your biggest fan when it comes to this area of sex in your marriage. Such a big fan. So ask Him to guide the two of you and give you great discernment on how to best nurture your intimacy.
As children of God, we are invited to come boldly to the throne of grace and to trust that He will indeed show up for us. Within the exclusivity of your covenant, as husband and wife you have tremendous freedom to explore, pursue and enjoy pleasing each other sexually.
You are not limited to only one position. You are not limited to only one way to have an orgasm. Pray for your selves as individuals and for each other and with each other.
Some couples find their sexual connection and oneness are particularly heightened if they pray right before they are intimate. Whether you do that or not is up to you, but definitely make it a healthy pattern to pray throughout your marriage for your sexual intimacy.
Some people take the total opposite approach on this one. They figure having quite a bit to drink before being alone on the wedding night will quell any anxiety or uneasiness about sexual intimacy. It will be easier to connect sexually, they believe.
Here’s the thing, though. Alcohol is a depressant, so it lowers our ability to think and behave clearly. I can already hear some of you saying that it also lowers inhibitions. Sure, it does that, too. But the better way to lower inhibitions is to connect as your authentic selves. You are friends, after all, and friends can be vulnerable with each other and encourage one another in the face of uncertainty.
Another obvious reason to limit how much you drink is because too much alcohol just leads to a lot of sloppiness all the way around. We just aren’t at our best when we are drunk or nearly drunk.
So if you do drink, just have a couple. And if you don’t drink at all, certainly don’t pick you wedding night to start.
There is something profoundly intimate about undressing each other as husband and wife, and this is your first opportunity to do it. Take your time with this. Remember that you are alone in the privacy of your hotel room or your bedroom. It’s just the two of you. This is a moment to be vulnerable.
As a wife, depending on your dress, you’ll probably need some help undressing anyway. Remember how many gals helped you get into that thing?!!
And I highly encourage you shower together or take a jacuzzi bath if there’s one of those in the room. My husband and I had never had sex or seen each other naked before our wedding night, so we really felt like a jacuzzi together was a perfect way to ease into being close to each other.
The added bonus of showering or bathing together is you then are clean. You won’t have the inhibitions of feeling sweaty from all the dancing or sticky from all the cake feeding! There’s just something about crawling into a bed clean with the person you desire to know on the deepest level.
So this is just the beginning to the rest of your life together as husband and wife. You’re going to have a lot of sexual intercourse in your marriage… some of it will be quickie sex, some of it will be long drawn out lovemaking, and the vast majority of it will be somewhere in between.
This first night together, there’s no need to rush to the main course. Invest in caressing, kissing and enjoying skin-to-skin contact. If you have never had sex with each other or at all, this initial experience is full of so many firsts, many of which may feel super awkward. That’s okay!
Awkwardness is not a sign that you are mismatched sexually. It’s a sign you are human and you’re trying to navigate one of the most bewildering, mysterious and intense experiences known. Sexual arousal and pleasure with the person you love and to whom you have pledged your life is powerful.
And because this is your wedding night, there is no better time than now to start having clear communication about what feels good. Invite each other’s input and willingly offer it even if not asked. The more you build this mutuality to learn your own body and each other’s body and what feels pleasurable, the stronger your sexual connection will be.
This first night is your chance to become a student of the art of foreplay, because if there is anything you want to master in your marriage, foreplay definitely should be on the list!
If you are like most married people on their wedding night, you will have sexual intercourse. I would encourage you to at least prepare for this by having already discussed birth control (if you will use any), as well as one of you bringing a quality lubricant.
Just don’t let your first time making love lead you to believe it’s the best it will ever be. Rarely is wedding night or honeymoon sex the best sex. The best sex is coming, though! It is!
Continue to place a high priority on your sexual connection, be open about your sexual desires and concerns, share in initiating and pursuing, appreciate your pleasure and your spouse’s, keep learning about sex, and remember to savor the gift sex is to your relationship.
The best sex is coming. It is!
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.