Hey, I totally get it. You are time-strapped. Me, too.
We are in that not-so-exclusive club of adulthood. So how are you supposed to find more time for sex in your marriage?
I have some ideas.
But first let me tell you about something that annoyed me a few years back—and how I had to get over it to get to the truth about time.
Here’s what happened. I was listening to a motivational speaker who said something like, “We all have the same 24 hours in a day!” I hated the amount of enthusiasm the speaker had when he said what seemed to me a ludicrous proclamation.
My immediate thought causing me to boil was something like this:
“Really?! You have got to be kidding! So you’re telling me the wealthy business executive who has a housekeeper, nanny, chef and landscaper has the same amount of hours in the day as lowly ol’ me, who is doing her own laundry, driving carpool, cleaning toilets and running to Target three times a week for God knows what. Really?!! Is that what you’re saying?!”
The “really” sounded incredibly drawn out and sarcastic in my head. You can do that sort of thing when you’re having a conversation with yourself.
As aggravated as I was, I had to eventually acknowledge that the motivational speaker was RIGHT. Yes. Right. I did have the same 24 hours as the wealthy business executive. Lamenting about someone else’s life being better suited than my own does not gain me their life. And it certainly doesn’t gain me more hours. It leaves me writhing unnecessarily in the muck of my own negative thinking. And what good does that do anyone?
There always will be people (some we personally know and some we don’t) who we believe have been dealt a better hand on the clock. It is pointless to get stuck feeling jealous or discouraged about that. You’re going to have to get over it. I had to get over it.
So if you want more sex in your marriage, a good place to start is to remind yourself that genuine sexual connection does not take hours. A lot of great sex can be had in 30 minutes or less. If you are locked into the mindset that you two can have sex only when you have a couple hours at your disposal, that’s not going to bode well for having much sex. It just isn’t. At least not if you are like most people with full and active lives.
So change up your attitude a bit. Remember that the “we-literally-have-an-entire-Saturday-with-nothing-on-the-calendar” lovemaking is awesome. BUT so is the “let’s-make-the-most-of-this-1/2-window” lovemaking. There is room on the plate for all of it.
And with that heart approach, here are 5 ideas to find more time:
1. Watch less TV
If your idea of relaxing is sitting in front of the TV for 2-3 hours or more each night, try shaving off an hour of that and heading to bed earlier. Yeah, it will feel weird at first. But you’ll adjust, especially if it means you have more time and energy for sex.
And no, I’m not assuming you would have sex every night as you embark on your less TV adventure. The nights you don’t have sex? Just go to bed earlier. The relaxation and rest will do your body good. And falling asleep with each other will do your relationship good.
2. Get firm about kids’ bedtimes
I’m not always a fan of parenting experts, but I do think the ones who have argued that kids need some structure are spot on. And a consistent reasonable bedtime is one of the best forms of structure.
Even with grade school and older kids, there’s nothing wrong with insisting they spend some quiet time in their room reading before they turn off lights and go to sleep. Consistent bedtimes help bring a rhythm as the day is drawing to a close. And it’s that rhythm that will help you and your spouse carve out some time for the two of you.
Those kiddos may battle you on this bedtime thing, but stay strong, my marriage champions! Stay strong. One of the best things you can do for those little creatures you created is to give them a mom and dad who value their marriage enough to take care of it.
3. Work together as a team
Many people feel they don’t have more time for sex because out of necessity they have to spend a lot of their evening just staying ahead of the chaos. Grocery shopping and dinner and soccer practice and laundry and “I need a piece of poster board for school tomorrow!”
Oh for the love. You get the drill, right?
When you stand back and survey how your evenings go, do you see where you and your spouse could work better as a team? Have a conversation. Make your relationship a high priority and then strategize on how you can tame those evenings together so you’re not doing laundry at midnight.
4. Lower your standards
This is a great one to piggy back with the last one. I’m not saying lower your standards so that the whole household slides into oblivion. I’m just suggesting that it’s okay if laundry isn’t always folded right away or the evening meal occasionally consists of a couple frozen pizzas and a side salad.
I mean, seriously, None of us are in the running for Mom of the Year based on how clean our kitchen floor is. (Yes, I know. None of us are in the running for Mom of the Year period. But you get where I was going with this, right?)
And while we are talking about having more manageable standards, why not say “no” to a few more things in your life? Sure, volunteering is good, but not if you’re doing it so much that it’s sabotaging your marriage.
Having reasonable boundaries doesn’t make you less of a mom or a dad or a church member or a family member. Having reasonable boundaries makes you a healthier version of all those things.
5. Get creative on when you have sex
I’ve often said that I’m not a morning sex gal. But I can be convinced. If you are in the throes of a crazy season of life, you may have to get creative on when you have sex.
Late night is not the only time for sex. But I hear from people who have that mindset and regularly make the promise “later tonight.” But then they find themselves dead beat tired. Later becomes rarely or never. Yet they cling to this illusion that the only time they can have sex is right before they go to sleep for the night.
There’s something to be said for getting sexually creative with other times during the day.
Can you meet home over lunch? Or what about when your kids are at events that don’t require you be there (i.e., friends’ birthday parties, athletic or dance practices, youth group, etc.)? Use those windows of time when the house is empty to have sex. Resist the urge to fill that time with running errands.
Some kids are old enough to be left in the family room to watch a show while you and your spouse spend some quality time together behind your closed bedroom door. (For a humorous read, check out the post Your Teens Can Hear You Having Sex? Why THAT May Be Totally Fine.)
I don’t know what will work for your particular situation, but it’s worth getting creative. Your marriage will be better for it.
So there you have it. 5 ideas to find more time for sex. What other ideas would you add to the list?
For more reading, check out the post 5 Reasons You Should Have Sex Often When You Have Young Kids and Do You Really Have “Plenty of Time Later” to Nurture Your Marriage?
And I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.