In the messiness of marriage and intimacy, possibly you and your spouse have gone a long time without sex.
And now you are trying to figure your way back to each other sexually.
Is sex like riding a bike? Will you remember how to do it?
I’m not talking about the basic mechanics. I trust you still know the logistics of how the process works. What I’m really talking about are all the tiny idiosyncrasies that happen as you and your spouse reacquaint yourselves to each other emotionally and physically.
You don’t want this this experience to merely be do-able. You want it to be enjoyable, too.
Here are 5 encouraging suggestions…
1. Attitude outshines awkwardness
If you and your beloved haven’t had sex in a long while, things may be a bit awkward, to say the least. That’s why the attitude you each bring (above the sheets and below them) will likely determine how your sexual reconnection goes.
Proceed with patience, compassion, healthy self deprecation, appropriate humor, a willingness to listen and an eagerness to learn. As with most experiences in life (and in bed), the more positive your attitude, the better the outcome.
If you took up bike riding after a long time, you’d catch on quicker if you brought a good attitude. Same is true of sex.
2. Trust the process
I don’t know what got you to the point of not having sex. Maybe it was medical or health issues or relationship discord. Maybe it was even a betrayal of trust. Or maybe the two of you just drifted into a pattern of neglecting sex because you were consumed with the responsibilities of day-to-day life.
Some circumstances that lead up to a sexual hiatus are more severe than others. No one will dispute that. But regardless of what led to the sexual disconnect, you now are at a point where you want to reconnect. It’s probably going to be more of a process than an overnight fix.
So trust the process. It’s going to take more than one lovemaking session to feel vulnerable, passionate, and sexually intuitive with each other.
In that regard, it is a lot like riding a bike. I learned to ride a bike when I was 7. Until recently, I hadn’t ridden a bike in literally decades. So when I started back up, it took a few rides before I felt confident in what I was doing.
Same with sex. You’re going to need more than one ride to feel steady and enjoy the freedom.
3. Keep your eye and heart on the goal
As big a fan as I am of orgasm, you may think that’s the goal to which I’m referring. Well, orgasmic pleasure is the bomb, but what’s even more significant as you reconnect sexually is what is going on with your relationship.
Let’s recap. For whatever reason, you and your spouse headed into a sexual slump. But you didn’t bail on the marriage and now you have come to realize that if your marriage is going to be strong and healthy, you’re going to have to figure out how to nurture sex on a regular basis. Sure, experiencing sexual pleasure with each other again is awesome, but what makes it even more fantastic is that your relationship is getting stronger along the way.
They feed into each other nicely — the passionate physical response of arousal and climax AND the renewed sense of a deeper relational connection. Keep your eye and heart on the goal.
4. Pursue outside help if necessary
When I was thinking about taking up bike riding again, I went to the experts to get some help. No, I didn’t necessarily need someone to teach me how to ride a bike again, but I did benefit greatly from the bike store employees who genuinely understand what makes bike riding enjoyable. They helped put me on the right path — figuratively and literally!
So if repairing the sexual and relationship damage between the two of you requires some outside professional help, don’t run from this. Pursue it. I’ve been a big fan of counseling for a long time. I personally have experienced the difference it has made in my own life, and I have heard from countless others who have seen positive growth on the backend of counseling sessions.
It shows tremendous resolve, courage and commitment to admit that the two of you can’t find your way back to each other on your own. It’s more than okay to ask for some help. If you can’t afford counseling, here is a great post with 3 Ideas if You Can’t Afford Professional Marriage Counseling.
5. Make nurtured sexual intimacy your new normal.
I could go back to not riding a bike, but why would I want to do that?! Riding a bike is fun and healthy for me, so for as long as I am able to do it, I am going to ride my bike!
The same can be true of your sexual intimacy. If you two have found your way back to each other sexually, make this your new normal. Don’t take sex for granted. Recognize the positive influence it has on your marriage. The healthiest and happiest marriages are ones where there is genuine affection and sexual touch.
Is sex like riding a bike? Will you remember how to do it? I believe you will.
Oh and I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.