For all the accolades and attention unbridled passion gets, I would like to take a stand for friendship in marriage.
Don’t get me wrong. My husband and I have had some crazy wild passion, particularly when we are naked and naively assuming our walls are way more soundproof than they actually are.
That being said, I still give friendship a more prestigious seat at the marriage table.
How good of friends are you and your spouse?
I know to some of you this may seem like a ridiculous question, seeing how most marriages don’t even become marriages without a friendship preceding all the shenanigans of falling in love and exchanging vows.
But I hear from people all the time who are no longer friends with their spouse. This takes a huge toll on their life together, including on their sexual intimacy. Shocking, right? Not shocking. It’s just easier to make love to someone you actually like.
When people ask me for sex tips, I don’t begin with technique or position or what leads to an intense orgasm. I ask about their friendship.
Do you two even like being with each other?
Do you share some common interests?
Do you have inside jokes that only the two of you understand?
Do you trust each other with confidential information and feelings?
Do you have each other’s back when life gets crappy and overwhelming? You know, when kids are throwing up and the dog is chewing up a cashmere sweater and the lawn needs to be mowed again and no one knows what’s for dinner. Oh and don’t even get me started about financial struggles, in-law struggles, car struggles, work struggles.
If there ever was an experience in life when someone needs a friend, it’s marriage.
When was the last time you made love to your friend?
Make it a goal in the next seven days to focus on the friendship between the two of you, even if (especially if) this has been a challenge for awhile. You don’t need grand gestures as much as you need genuine little gestures.
I don’t want to brag, but I did put a new toothbrush head on my husband’s electric toothbrush the other day. It was the least I could do, you know, since we are friends.
I could probably list a million ideas on ways to be a friend, but you don’t need a million ideas. You just need a few. Below are a few, but certainly get creative and come up with others, too.
Step up where you need to step up. Linger a bit longer with a hug. Run the errand you know your spouse hates. Leave a “have a good day” note. Throw in a load of laundry if you aren’t the one who normally does it. Say “thank you” more often, even for the mundane stuff. Go for ice cream. Go for a walk. Ask your spouse how their day was.
In other words, pay attention. Be a friend.
Oh, and don’t wait for your spouse to be a friend first. Take the lead. Sure, it may feel awkward and hard if the two of you have been in a mode of drifting through life as of late, but building healthy patterns takes some intention. You have to start somewhere.
Will this lead to all that unbridled passion immediately? Maybe. Maybe not.
That’s not the point. You’re simply trying to learn now to be better friends so that you can then better understand how to be better lovers.
Sex is better when you are making love to your friend.
Oh and I have a 5 video series available on building better sex in your marriage. Great way to invest in your marriage! You can find out all about it at this link: Better Sex in Your Christian Marriage.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.